Infertility and Raising Awareness

We are more than our infertility. 

When we think of infertility, sometimes we think about all the things it has taken away from us: our fertility, our sense of control in our lives and of our bodies, sometimes even our hopes and plans. Infertility can make us weary, stressed, sad, numb, frustrated, jaded, angry, confused, scared, restless... the list goes on. For some, infertility leaves a sense of emptiness inside them. For others, infertility is less a sense of emptiness but more of a constant reminder that shadows them wherever they go.

I have said this on multiple occasions and I'll say it again: we are more than our infertility.

Often, when I speak of my own infertility journey, I start with saying "Infertility has robbed us of the chance to build our family the old-fashioned way." It's true. That chance was in fact stolen from me. Yet it hasn't left me empty, even if at first it felt that way. And I don't feel like infertility is chasing on my heels, a shadow I can't escape, rather, it's colored my vision and the way I look at the world. Infertility has changed me as a person, but I am not defined by my infertility.

I think this is due largely to my involvement with RESOLVE, particularly with advocacy and raising awareness. I've written before that I fit very much the definition of a wounded healer, that from my place of pain I am able to turn around and help others. A lot of this is probably personality but I think a good portion of this is simply part of my healing process. And I won’t lie: it kills the time while we wait to begin our own family building process.

Raising awareness and advocating for infertility treatment, coverage, and research has given me back a lot of the things that felt taken from me. I feel like I’ve regained a sense of control and that I’m engaged in meaningful, purpose-driven work. A couple of weeks ago, I was telling my husband how I was sorry I’m not the same woman he married three years ago. “Infertility has made me a different woman,” I said.

“It’s true. You’ve changed,” he said, without hesitation. I turned to look at him. “But you’re a stronger woman because of it.”

I carried a lot of shame for that first year after my diagnosis. After creating my video for National Infertility Awareness Week last year, it was as if that veil of embarrassment and guilt was lifted from me. I spoke with confidence: “My name is Keiko Zoll, I’m 26 years old, happily married, and living with infertility.” That confidence has only grown and yes, I am a different person – a stronger, more passionate person who’s ready to take on the challenges facing our community and advocate for change.

I know advocacy isn’t for everyone, but I can’t deny how much of a positive impact is has not only made on our journey, but in my life.

There are two ways you can raise awareness and advocate for change coming up in the next two months. One requires very active, direct interactions with legislators while the other can be more passive, from the comfort of your favorite blogging platform.

Less than a month from today, RESOLVE is sponsoring National Infertility Awareness Week 2011, from April 24 – 30th. There are a variety of events happening around the country, and you can host your own event too. Or, if you’d like a more passive approach, check out this year’s Bust a Myth Infertility Blog Challenge. Pick an infertility myth and blog about it – it’s that simple! All entries will then be eligible for RESOLVE Hope Award for Best Blog at their annual Night of Hope Awards.

With all of the misinformation and misunderstanding about infertility out there, this is a perfect opportunity to raise awareness and pave the way for change. You might even use it as an opportunity to “out” yourself to others- daunting and not for everyone, I know – but still a perfect chance to show people how 1 in 8 is not only someone they know, but someone just like you.

If you’re feeling particularly inspired and fired up, you can also participate in RESOLVE’s Advocacy Day on Thursday, May 5th. With RESOLVE’s training and guidance, you can meet with legislators on Capitol Hill to speak about why Congress needs to care about infertility and to legislate wisely when it comes to reproductive healthcare and mandated healthcare coverage. Can’t make it to Washington D.C.? No problem! RESOLVE will help set up appointments for you with legislators in your state and local districts.

I realize how intimidating this might sound, but others just like you have done it (Stirrup Queen, Body Diaries by Lucy, and A Little Pregnant, to name a few) and after the initial jitters, feel exhilarated at having taken such a bold step in infertility advocacy. To quote the ever fabulous Julie over at A Little Pregnant, "I don't really know what to say about Advocacy Day except that I have never had a more empowering moment as an infertile person." How is that not inspiring to get involved?

I’m planning to go to Advocacy Day myself this year for the first time. I can’t make it to D.C., but I can certainly take a day off of work to meet with legislators here in Mass. and thank them for their support and provide them with further education. Honestly, it’s the least I can do for having the privilege to live in state with mandated coverage.

Infertility and raising awareness, advocating for change: it’s good for the soul. It feeds us with passion and purpose. We regain some of that control we’ve lost. We see our infertility less as a limit of who we could have been and more of an opportunity of what we can become and the change we can make in the world. Raising awareness and advocating for change helps to support our infertility brothers and sisters-in-arms.

In the end, we come out stronger because of it.

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This post is part of About.com’s Health Channel Fertility Blog Carnival hosted by Rachel Gurevich, author of infertility.about.com.

4 Myths Debunked About Mandated Infertility Coverage

As I mentioned last week, Maine could potentially become the sixteenth state to mandate insurers to cover infertility treatments. The bill, LD 720, will be heard before the Joint Committee for Insurance and Financial Services at the Maine State House (room 220) in Augusta at 1pm today. There will be time for brief testimony to be shared with the committee. If you live in Maine and you've got the time- please make it to the State House today. Your support is vital for this bill to gain any continuing momentum in the Maine legislature. Complete details regarding this bill and the public hearing today can be found on RESOLVE of New England's Maine Advocacy Alert page.

Believe me when I say your support is critical; there is already a lot of opposition for this bill. Just ask Anne Beldon, a devoted RNE volunteer up in Maine who sent in an excellent Letter to the Editor of the Bangor Daily News. Some of the reader comments, aside from being quite misinformed, are downright cruel. It is a stark reminder of just how lucky I am to live in Massachusetts, where we lead the nation in mandated coverage.

Some of the biggest complaints from commenters were that they shouldn't have to pay for the lifestyle choices of others and that overpopulation is a global problem, so perhaps infertile people should take the hint. Oh, and have you considered adoption?

*facedesk*

I almost don't know where to begin.

Let's start by addressing four of the myths about mandated infertility coverage we hear all the time (as reflected in the reader comments to Anne's letter) about why infertility treatment shouldn't be covered.

Myth #1: Infertility isn't a disease; it's a lifestyle choice.

Reality: The World Health Organization would beg to differ. The inability to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term is a medical condition, not a choice.

Myth #:2 I shouldn't have to pay for someone's expensive, elective IVF treatment.

Reality: IVF accounts for less than 3% of all infertility treatment, according to the American Society for Reproductive Medicine. ASRM also states that IVF accounts for 0.07% of U.S. health care costs (Source, ASRM). In fact, infertility is a treatable disease, so it makes sense that insurers provide coverage for its treatment.

Myth #3: Providing infertility coverage will drive up everyone's premiums.
Reality: Employers who provide infertility coverage can see as much as $1 per member per month in premium reductions (Source, American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology). And take a look at what happened in Massachusetts: infertility expenditures made up less than 1% (0.81%, specifically) of all insurance expenditures in 1986, a year before the mandate was made into law. Less than 10 years after the mandate was in place, infertility expenditures as a percentage of total expenditures actually decreased to nearly haf that number, at 0.41% (Source, Fertility and Sterility, 1998).

Myth #4: The world is overpopulated. Why don't you just adopt?
Reality: The first issue is that you attempt to deflect the issue at hand by making "overpopulation" the focus of your rebuttal; this is commonly known as a straw man argument. But I'll bite and turn this question back to the reader. Why don't you just adopt? Why must adoption fall solely in the arms of the infertile? Instead of having your own biological children and thus contributing to overpopulation as you claim, why not adopt yourself?

5 points to remember when responding to the infertility coverage critics out there:

1. Educate yourself. People will want sources. (I've provided them all here.)
2. Don't feed the trolls. They're a hungry lot, and it's easy to fall into their traps.
3. Pick your battles. You can't win over everyone.
4. Agree to disagree; like the point above, you can't change all hearts and minds.
5. Don't lose sight of the bigger picture and keep fighting the fight!

That last one is important. It's easy to get bogged down in trying to respond to every thoughtless, ignorant comment, to try and make each of your comments a teachable moment. In reality, the bigger issue at hand - getting mandated infertility coverage - is the goal. You can't lose sight of the forest for the trees.  Stay tuned for my post about Infertility and Raising Awareness, where you can find out more about how to be your own infertility advocate.

What are some of the comments you've come across, either in person on as a response to a blog post or article, and how did you respond?

This Friday is D-Day.

St. Patrick's Day will never be the same for me.

It's not like I roam the streets of Boston half-drunk or anything, quite the contrary: I deliberately avoid the nightlife scene on March 17th. When you work in higher education and your school just happens to be one of the few not on Spring Break, it's not a night that you look forward to anyway, especially when you're on call (like I am again this year).

It's the day after, March 18th. D-Day. Diagnosis Day.

This Friday will be two years since I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure*.

Last year, I took the day off to relax and celebrate myself; it was pretty glorious. After the last month of truly upsetting anti-choice legislation and more recent legislative news making me physically ill, plus the near incomprehensible scale of tragedy in Japan over the weekend... I'm thinking of doing the same again this year to celebrate? Commemorate? Remember? I'm not sure of the right verb here.

I will be spending the morning getting my car inspected and ready to turn back in as my lease ends in two weeks. But I've taken the day off from work again, like last year. I swear my coworkers must think I take the day off as hangover relief from the night before.

I still haven't planned out the rest of the day. I think it's important that I acknowledge and do something for myself. With work and personal life as crazy as it's been recently, I haven't set aside any time to myself to plan my day. (I also haven't given myself the proper mental space to really reflect on it being two years now.) I'll be free after 1pm at the latest once my car is all done, but hopefully earlier.

It's Shabbos that evening, so perhaps a nice meal, and maybe actually lighting Shabbos candles for the first time in months. Or maybe a massage again. But massages aren't cheap, so I'm looking to do something else free or low-cost.

I'm open to suggestions. Sound off in the comments.

*POF was my diagnosis at the time although the preferred nomenclature is now premature ovarian insufficiency.

I Stand with Planned Parenthood.

This post is part of Fair and Feminist's I Stand with Planned Parenthood Blog Carnival. Check out the other participating blogs today and lend your support.

http://www.plannedparenthood.org/

I stand with Planned Parenthood for a lot of reasons. I can think of the most recent, when, of all things, Larry and I feared I might actually be pregnant, in late November of 2008. Let's just break that down for a second: I feared I was pregnant. We were newlyweds, coming up on our first wedding anniversary in just over a month. Even though we had talked about how abortion wasn't necessarily the gut reaction now that we were married, we both agreed that timing was not good. (In hindsight, it's almost laughable. We couldn't get pregnant then even if we wanted to, but I digress.)

I had been lazy with my pill. I skipped something like, 11 days' worth? Yeah, not good. There was a fair amount of horizontal mambo-ing in that stretch of no birth control (remember: newlyweds), I hadn't gotten my period, and I panicked. I took a pee stick test and thankfully it came out negative, but I realized that with our timing it was possible I could have been chemically pregnant, so I turned to Planned Parenthood for emergency contraception, to prevent implantation.

Larry and I talked a lot in the day leading up to getting the EC and me taking it. How weirdly, when actually confronted with the possibility that I could be pregnant, that all of those years of being a pro-choice feminist in college seemed strange and foreign. "What if I was?" I thought. If the EC didn't work, we'd resolved ourselves to the idea of being parents way before we wanted to. I am grateful that I live at a time when I have the freedom to make that choice. It was the first time I realized what pro-choice actually meant. It's not about being pro-abortions for all: it's about being pro-the freedom to have control over your own body.

And that folks, is why I stand with Planned Parenthood. Not because I was able to get EC when I needed it, rather because they are an organization that helps people (not just women) get the reproductive care they need when they need it.

When I wrote Wednesday about the war on women and what it means for the infertility community, I was so grateful for the outpouring of support for Planned Parenthood in the comments here, on FB, Twitter, and elsewhere. I want to share some of those reasons why Planned Parenthood is important to the infertility community, and why the House vote to defund Planned Parenthood is a slap in the face to all of us.

Planned Parenthood is not just about abortions, it's about access to low-cost, routine medical care.

A dear friend Nine writes:

When I was young and had no access to health care, I used Planned Parenthood's services for my annual exams and to receive medication to help me with debilitating menstrual cramps. Because I had no primary physician, they were also kind enough to keep an eye on my heart and lungs for me.

Another dear friend Marie-Audrey echoes this and expands on the breadth of coverage Planned Parenthood provides:

They provide care for women (and men) without health insurance - which I did not have a few years ago. I had very little money and their "pay according to your income" allowed me to get the health care I needed for a very fair price... What about the teenager who does not get any kind of support (money or psychological) from home? What about the single mom with 3 kids? What about the freelancer without regular income and/or health care?

Planned Parenthood helped save MrsSpock's sister's life and keep her sister's family planning on track:

Because of her bipolar disorder- an illness she has unfailingly taken her meds for for 10 years- my sister has been denied health insurance from her employer's insurer, even though she has worked there for that same decade. She is only able to get her well woman care through Planned Parenthood, as she can pay based on a sliding scale. Her income is low, and she could not afford to pay for full fees. because of them, she was able to get the pap that caught her early cervical cancer, and get into a clinic to treat it based on their referral. Never mind that she has chosen not to have children based on her mental illness, and they give her affordable access to the contraceptives that make sure that plan remains.

Planned Parenthood has also been vital to many of your infertlity journeys.

Anonymous writes:

...did you know some Planned Parenthood centers also provide Level II infertility treatments? I know this because in the wake of my own IF diagnosis, I found myself missing the compassionate and thoughtful care I received as a PP patient. The center closest to me wasn't able to provide me with the next stage of my care but they referred me to a specialist that hopefully will help.

Virginia adds:

I always make a point of pointing out that Planned Parenthood helped us plan for and medically prepare for conceiving our daughter whenever anyone gets up on their abortion soapbox. I'm an endo sufferer and PP helped me keep my womb and tubes healthy enough to conceive naturally when we were ready for a baby. She really was a miracle - I've been dealing with secondary infertility since her birth almost 17 years ago.

If having low-cost access to basic reproductive care is something that's important for you, I urge you to take 10 minutes right now, to act and do something about this.

1. Read and sign the open letter from Planned Parenthood expressing your outrage. Time: 2 minutes.

2. Find out how your representative voted in the House vote to defund Planned Parenthood. Time: 1 minute.
+ If they voted against it, please email them and thank them. Time: 2 minutes.
+ If they voted for it, please email them and tell them what you think about that and how their vote impacts you. Time: 2 minutes.

3. Share your story about why Planned Parenthood matters to you. You can share it with Planned Parenthood directly, or you can blog about it. Make it your Facebook status or find eloquence in 140 characters or less on Twitter. Time: 4 minutes (maybe less).

4. If you have the means- even $5- make a donation to Planned Parenthood to show your support. Time: 1 minute.

Tada! 10 minutes, maybe less. See, grassroots advocacy is seriously not that hard or time-consuming, I promise.

I know in the infertility community, we think a lot about our future children. We hope, we pray, we wish, we dream for our future children. I'm asking you to think about them again, right now - is a country that's willing to strip away access to basic reproductive care one in which you want your kids to live? Do you want your children to go through the same fertility struggles you're going through right now because they couldn't get the kind of low-cost reproductive care they needed in their teens and college years?

I know sometimes it can be hard to see beyond the immediate hurdle of just trying to build your family, but we need to take active steps in shaping the world in which they'll live.

I'm not just doing it for myself, but for my kids - one day, should we be so blessed. That's why I stand with Planned Parenthood.

Will you?

Why does the government hate women so much?

Hi. Did you at one time or do you currently have one of these?

Adorbs, right? Buy it here.

Oh, you don't? 



From left: Rep. Phil Jensen (R-SD), Rep. Chris Smith (R-NJ), Rep. Bobby Franklin (R-GA).

Then please stop trying to govern mine.

If you have lady bits or know someone who does, you should really become familiar with these faces. They're out for your lady bits. No no no, not in that way - in the "restrictive legislation that they really have no business putting forth" kind of way.

I don't care if you're pro-choice, pro-life, pro-family, or pro-whatever: I need to talk about this because it's been eating away at me for almost a week. In fact, I shelved a post I wrote sometime last year when we were knee-deep in our "let's adopt!" phase. It contained a rather inflammatory sentence that basically said, despite my years of being pro-choice/pro-family, every abortion is a missed adoption opportunity. I know - I know - that's why I never posted it here. Too inflammatory even for me and I didn't want to deal with the aftermath in the comments. So... yeah, don't kill me on that one.

Here's the thing: infertility patients need to pay attention to healthcare legislation, particularly anti-abortion legislation. Anti-abortion legislation, in a cruel twist of fate, can pose a serious threat to our access to care. Here we are, trying our damndest to have our own children, and yet (I know how ironic this sounds) we need to be vigilant about others' rights and access to terminate their own pregnancies.

Case in point: Iowa's Personhood Law (HF 153). This lovely little gem seeks to define that life begins at conception thus rendering abortion illegal in the state of Iowa. Why does this matter to infertility patients? Oh, you were able to fertilize all 8 of your eggs for your IVF cycle? Congrats! Oh, some of them weren't so high grade and aren't worth saving? Tough cookies, it's now illegal to dispose of them. I've seen so many of your beautiful blasties out there and it's kind of awesome (in the truest sense of the word) to know that those little blasties are your future children - but calling it murder to get rid of them? Come on. And yet amazingly, HF 153 actually passed an Iowa House subcomittee. What boggles the mind: the bill was authored by Rep. Kim Pearson (R-IA). Kim: you've got lady bits. Use your head, woman! Even the ASRM and SART said enough was enough, and issued a public letter in opposition of the bill to Iowa House Speaker Kraig Paulsen.

[Do you live in Iowa? Does this piss you off? Please contact your representatives and tell them why this matters to you as their constituents. You can search for your Iowa legislators here online for their full contact info.]

There's a reason to speak up, contact your legislators, and blog about it: because it works. Look at South Dakota (fig 1). Their House Bill 1171, introduced by Rep. Phil Jensen (R) sought to redefine justifiable homicide:

Homicide is justifiable if committed by any person while resisting any attempt to murder such person, or to harm the unborn child of such person in a manner and to a degree likely to result in the death of the unborn child, or to commit any felony upon him or her, or upon or in any dwelling house in which such person is. (Source.)

In a nutshell, it would create legal precedent for someone to kill abortion clinic workers. Let's broaden this a bit: remember those blasties I mentioned a few paragraphs up? Let's say those low-grade blasties are discarded. According to HB 1171, it would be justifiable homicide to take out the offending embryologist who discarded them. Thankfully, the public outcry, both from South Dakotans and the blogosphere, was large enough that the language was changed and ultimately, South Dakota realized that maybe this whole thing didn't need to be brought to the table at all.

But we still have a big fight ahead of us, most notably, the most recent vote by the House to defund Planned Parenthood, spearheaded by New Jersey Rep. Chris Smith (fig 2). This is much more than just about abortion rights: now we're just talking about restricting access to basic reproductive care. Planned Parenthood does a lot more than abortions: they provide routine pap smears, access to birth control and emergency contraception, and routine care for STIs. By taking away these services, these women now have an increased risk of infertility because they won't be able to access the reproductive care they need.

And as many of you know, sometimes the decision to terminate a pregnancy is beyond our control. Enter my new hero, California Rep. Jackie Speier, who had the chuzpah to remind the House of this staggering reality late last week:



"The gentleman from New Jersey can kindly kiss my ass."
[Don't know how your Representative voted? You can check here online to see whether or not they voted to defund Planned Parenthood. Then take the time to thank those that who supported PP or speak your mind to those who did vote to defund PP.]

Have you been angered by the craptastic media coverage of infertility, IVF, donor gametes, and celebrity infertiles? You ever notice how the media likes to play the victim blame game? With all of this recent legislation, anyone else getting that vibe that there's this cultural misogyny at work here (like last week's Nir Rosen and Debbie Schlussel's *disgusting* rants blaming CBS correspondent Lara Logan for her own sexual assualt in Egypt)?

What the holy hell is everyone's problem with women just, ya know, living their own lives and having some say in what we choose to do with our bodies?

This is why we, as an infertility community, need to care about anti-abortion legislation, regardless of our own personal views. This is why we need to act, to speak up, to speak out, tell our neighbors, our friends, our families and most importantly: the people who govern, as most of them do not have uteruses (uterii?), but have an awful lot to say about what goes on in them.

Because if we don't, then we might just end up with legislation that seeks to investigate all miscarraiges, cuz yanno, to see if they were induced. Because if they were, it would be a criminal offense.

How I wish I were making this up. (I've been trying to find a less inflammatory post about it, but this one at Daily Kos hits all of the important points). Allow me to introduce you to Georgia Rep. Bobby Franklin (fig. 3) who is pushing for the following legislation:

"...any time a miscarriage occurs, whether in a hospital or without medical assistance, it must be reported and a fetal death certificate issued. If the cause of death is unknown, it must be investigated... Hospitals are required to keep records of anyone who has a spontaneous abortion and report it." (Source.)

This is the last straw. I had to write about it here because, having been invested in the stories of so many of you who have experienced a miscarriage, I just about went apoplectic when I read this on a friend's FB page. Rep. Franklin's proposed legislation would treat you like a criminal just for having miscarried. Seriously? Is this what we have come to as a nation?

We have got to wake up, start paying attention, starting making those calls and writing those letters. We need to be informed and to inform others. We have got to start fighting back as a unified community of women or we are going to get trampled by the cultural norming of misogyny in America.

Compassion, Grace, and Courage

Last week, I gave an interview to my college alumni magazine talking about the work I've been doing for the infertility community, and how my one little video exploded on the internet nearly a year ago. I'm excited to see it come out sometime in April or May, as it will be coming up to the one-year anniversary of my video going live and also (hopefully) smack dab in the middle of National Infertility Awareness Week. As I was talking with the reporter, it dawned on me that it's been almost two years since I was diagnosed. And then I remembered that even those I was still a total IF noob, I outed myself on Facebook just a month and a half after the diagnosis. I quickly deleted it and then reposted it when someone I knew from childhood contacted me privately to say, "Thank you for posting this. I'm going through this, too."

I remember being totally blown away by the revelation that, holy cow- it wasn't just me, and not only that- this is someone I sat with in social studies class in middle school. And then someone else I went to school with contacted me. And then a former coworker. It was one of those moments when I realized just how indiscriminate infertility is and how it's touched a shocking number of people in my lives.

While I was in Atlanta, I received an email from one of those friends that reached out to me nearly two years ago. I'm posting it here with his persmission but have changed their names:

Hi Keiko,

I've been trying to figure out how to write this for weeks. I am going to screw it up and for that I am sorry. I have had this raging internal debate on sending this, for fear of making you feel like I am singling you out or making your day (or even just a brief moment today) unhappy. But as my only IF confidant (besides 1 or 2 VERY close friends) I feel compelled to write you

One of our IUI treatments a few months ago was successful; Bella is at 12 weeks tomorrow. I've been riding a roller coaster of emotions for weeks: joy, fear, guilt among others. The worst has been thinking of my friends in the IF community - and how they would feel knowing that yet another couple is expecting. I wish I had the magic words to make it all right, but as I still haven't found them myself, I don't know what to say... other than thank you: for being a voice, an advocate, and a friend- for doing what you do everyday- for giving all of us hope.

We may be pregnant, but I know I will always be a part of the IF community. I must carry the knowledge everyday that my son/daughter- in spite of all the love and wisdom (ha!) - I plan to give them is ultimately another man's genetic make-up. Ultimately (as we well know) there are burdens in life that we all must bear, and this is one that I happily choose to carry.

We plan to share our news in the very near future with everyone. But I knew that I needed to share this with you before that - and to thank you for being a voice... and perhaps offer you the same hope that you have given me and so many others.

- Edward

You could have knocked me over with a feather after I read that email. I replied and was totally up front with him: I'm so happy for them both, but I know they know that this is also momentarily painful too. I thanked Edward for his compassion, grace, and courage in sharing that with me in such a compassionate, graceful, and courageous way.

It was one of those moments that filled me with hope even through the tears of reading another pregnancy announcement. I hope that one day we do get to experience all of that same joy, and even their fear and guilt too. I feel like it's only natural when IF folks do find out they're pregnant. And I hope we get to experience all of that.

And I hope that if I do, I can show the same level of compassion, grace, and courage to all of you, because I know how hard it will be for some of you to read that. But after reading Edward's email - man, I really hope I do get to share that news with you one day. I was so filled with hope because, unlike the other success stories I read out there - I know Edward. We went to school together, suffered through the same miserable bio class, and while we weren't the best of friends, we got close only recently because we both had such a deeply personal battle in common. And I feel like because I know him, maybe it's totally possible for good things to happen to us, too. His story only makes me more hopeful for our own.

So to Edward and Bella (I couldn't resist): mazel tov on this wonderful blessing, this incredible new chapter in your lives and thank you for being a model of compassionate grace and courage to the rest of us.

Thanks for thinking of us and cheering us on. I'll still be doing the same for you, too.

This one's for M.

I'm sitting in the hotel lobby at my conference, because amazingly, in this day and age, I'm expected to actually pay for internet in my room. Come on Marriott, I get the money game you're playing here, but come on. We're already paying out the nose for the room... you could throw a little free in-room internet my way.

This conference has taken up a grand amount of time (as it should) but it's been an intense 4 days so far. Tons of sessions from which to choose, constantly playing the game of "what information can I realistically take back and practically apply to my institution?" and feeling a bit out of my league. This conference is more academically focused rather than just pure student affairs' conferences I've attended in the past and sometimes I just feel like I'm wearing a scarlet BA on my chest... more faculty and administrators than staff here, that's for sure. Larry told me after I got out of my first session: "Don't sweat it and don't sell yourself short. You're just as smart and have every right to be there, too."

And that's why I love my husband ^_^

. . .

Yesterday morning, I was on my way out of a session when a young woman came up to me.

"Hi, are you Keiko?"

"Yes," I said, distractedly.

"I read your blog and I just had to come over and say hi and thank you for being a voice out there for us." We chatted for another minute; I was half-asleep, having overslept a bit and trying to remember where my next session was so I gave her my business card, thanked her for reaching out to me, and dashed out into the crowd of attendees. A few minutes later, I realized how rude I must have seemed: I didn't even get her last name.

I had gotten her first name- M- but hadn't thought to grab her card in my semi-awake state. I was thrilled when I checked my email that evening to see she had sent me a note. This morning we exchanged emails and texts and met up to chat during some downtime this afternoon.

. . .

Like any good academic conference, there are plenty of publishing company exhibitors here to hawk their titles to us salivating first-year/common reading book selection committee members. Today many of them had catered lunches featuring several of their authors here to talk about their books. M and I had each gone to different lunches, and she shared with me a really tough moment for her that day:

The author of Just Don't Fall, Josh Sundquist, spoke at her lunch about how childhood cancer robbed him of his leg but lead to a path toward the Paralympics. She relayed his delivery: energetic, engaging, exhuberant. He described how as a 9-year old, he looked up to a boy wearing a lime green soccer uniform in his school. He wanted that uniform; that was his goal. At 10, he was diagnosed with cancer and lost his leg. After years of physical therapy, he talked about a ski trip with his family where he went sledding with a modified sled. Just before he went down for another run, as he was sitting on the sled, a man came up to him, saying "Hey kid!" He turned and looked, and here was a man in a red, white, and blue uniform: stars, stripes, matching and coordinated. "Hey kid, I'm a coach for the US Paralympics Team, and I think you'd be great."

Sundquist arrived at his selling point, about how to adapt his book and his story to college freshmen audiences of all backgrounds: "Sometimes you grow up and want so bad to fit into one uniform, only to find out that it's not that one that's handed to you."

M didn't have to explain anything more beyond that point. The look in her eyes was enough to know just how deeply that had resonated within her that afternoon, a stark reminder of how the pain/anger/longing/fuckedup-itude of infertility can really strike us anywhere.

No matter how hard we might work to create safe-spaces for ourselves, we just never really know when a subtle reminder of your own infertility can creep into your brain. In some ways, it's like we're either always with our guards up or feeling hopelessly defenseless. It's a precarious and unsettling state in which to be.

. . .

M and I talked for over an hour, each sharing our stories and experiences. I think we were both appreciative of the chance to make a face-to-face connection. I certainly didn't come here thinking I'd talk to anyone about infertility but I'm glad I did.

Sidenote: I had my own WTFIF?! (I'm coining a new acronym: What the fuck, infertility?!) moment Saturday at the Georgia Aquarium. That's a post for later in the week.

I'd been feeling a bit stagnant in the days leading up to the conference, but since I've been here, I've felt a renewed kick in the ass about writing, and more importantly, about doing more for this community. My chance meeting with M has only solidified that resolve.

I told M that I write and make videos because infertility shouldn't be silent and we should be able to speak openly about it with others. M made such a great point about how we can both look around this Sea of The Academy and know we have brother and sisters in arms, fighting daily and (most likely) private battles. I listened to M's story, celebrating the things we share in common and listening with compassion at her own challenges, offering the best advice I could. It was a truly wonderful conversation and I'm glad to have made such a happenstance connection with someone.

. . .

Photo by Gillian via Flickr.

I know this post is titled "This one's for M" but really, it's for all of you:

M: Keep writing. Even if you don't blog, make that pen move. I won't say that every word put to paper is one less tear, but it certainly makes it easier along the way. No matter how things turn out, you can always look back and read the story of your growth and strength.

You don't have to carry signs or run a fundraiser to be an advocate. Like I said, even sharing your story with just one person outside your safe circle is another person educated about the reality of infertility and potentially another ally in your corner.

Arm yourself with information and facts. People will be snarky, ignorant, or even polite and well-intentioned but careless in their delivery. Or, as you said, they could be straightforward and devastatingly blunt. We're in the field of education, so I know you can relate to this: make those teachable moments. You don't have to necessarily share your personal story, but a solid statistic or research can go a long way. Like a good higher ed professional, refer them to a reliable resource for more information.

Treasure your safe circle of support and "use" them when you need to. Don't be afraid to ask for their support when you need it. That's why you hold them so close to your heart.

Never feel weird about reaching out to me, even at a place as random as an academic conference. I'm here to listen. I might not have any answers but at the very least, I can listen because your story told in your voice to another person is important, valid, and to be respected. I know it's not easy and I respect and honor your courage for opening up and sharing it with me.

I wish we weren't both members of this community, but I'm glad we found each other, that we made this connection. It helps not to feel so goddamned alone.

And M: no matter what happens with this cycle, I'm sending you luck and support. Take it easy with those needles and just remember that you've got someone rooting for you, ready to celebrate or provide an ear, a shoulder, and a box of virtual tissues if necessary.

Be well and safe travels.

Dear Media: You're Not Helping

Warning: ranty post ahead.

The media has never really been kind to infertility. Then you get movies like Baby Momma and the ever horrifying The Backup Plan that kind of muck things up once in awhile. Only recently have we started seeing more empowering coverage such as Self Magazine's ground-breaking infertility article last August and shows like Giuliana & Bill. That said, we still have a long way to go.

Which leads me to my first point. Dear Media: Leave Guiliana and Bill Rancic alone.

Hang in there, Guiliana.

I realize that's a loaded statement given the fact that they've created a reality show based primarily on their infertility experience. Also, in full disclosure: I haven't watched their show, but I've followed along in online updates. They did something pretty brave by putting their infertility struggle in a very bright public light, and I applaud them for their courage and resolve. I can't even fathom coping with a miscarriage on national television.

So I was rather annoyed when I read an interview with Giuliana, titled "Giuliana Rancic: We Are Done With IVF For Now." The not-so-subtle spin there? The Rancics are quitters. When I clicked through and read the interview, I was even more infuriated that the question immediately following "how are you handling your miscarriage" was "Have you considered adoption?"

*facepalm*

No! Gosh! What is this "adoption" you speak of, oh wise media outlet? The thought has never crossed the minds of couples who can't have children. Goshemgollygeewhiz what an idea!

Why - why - is that always the first question other people ask in the wake of infertility? It's insensitive and just plain rude. I'm not knocking adoption by any means, but man - give this woman a break. She just lost a pregnancy following an aggressive IVF treatment. Have some respect.

It doesn't matter if Guiliana and Bill Rancic have a TV show or not. If they want to take a break from IVF, so be it. IVF is no walk in the park and no couple should ever feel like they're quitters just because they want to take a break, whether it's IVF, DE, IUI, or even natural conception. Sometimes you just need a break from the babymaking madness - and that deserves respect, not rejection.

. . .

Seriously. Please close your mouth.

Rant #2. Dear Media: Stop perpetuating the idea that getting pregnant, especially as a teen, is super easy and sort of cool.

Kim Kardashian: let me just file this under "topics I never thought about which I'd blog." But I'm getting ahead of myself.

You may have heard that there's apparently something in the water in at Frayser High School in Memphis, Tennessee: 90 young women are currently pregnant or have had a child this academic year. Granted, the school has a program for teen moms, so the superintendent claims it's a "magnet for pregnant teens."

Let's all just have a moment to scream silently: "90 pregnant teens in one high school and I can't score even one positive pregnancy test ?!"

Sweet, I feel better. You? Fab.

So then Kim Kardashian opens her big fat famewhore mouth (I know, not the most feminist-empowering or politically correct word I could use but let's face it: I'm callin' it like I see it) and blames the whole mess on MTV's Teen Mom. Two of the women from the show rightfully fire back at Miss Kimmy's holier-than-thou stance, reminding us that: "she made a sex tape when she was younger and she wants to bash the girls on Teen Mom?"

Word, Teen Mom lady, word.
 
On the other hand, I can understand where Kim "Wait, Why Am I Famous Again?" Kardashian is coming from. Much like the "pregnancy pact" drama of last year up in my neck of the woods, teen pregnancy is a subject the media loves to glamorize. Exhibit A: the film, Juno - because having babies at 16 is all iconic t-shirts and cheeseburger phones.
 
The issue I take is that there is a media perpetuated and culturally dictated message that if a young dude so much as breathes on a young lady, BAM! Teen pregnancy. (That's been one of my biggest gripes about abstinence-only sex ed in high schools.) At 17, I was super paranoid about pregnancy... and I was still a virgin! That's how paranoid I was. So, color me shocked when just a decade later, I'd like to get knocked up and I find out that all of those media messages and the borderline-Puritanical tone of high school health classes are a lie. That no, it's actually not that easy to get pregnant and millions of twenty and thirty-somethings have this idea that they'll land a bun in the oven on the first few tries.
 
And then millions of us wait another month or two longer to talk to our doctors because, it's just a little horizontal mambo, how hard could this be? Everybody (media, society) said this would be easy. Birds, bees, and all that jazz.
 
It's irresponsible, The Media. It's just fucking irresponsible.
 
We need the media to talk more responsibly about young women's health, not stories that turn babies into damned matching accessories. We need young women to a) thoroughly understand what's happening in their bodies and b) to recognize when things aren't right. We need young women (and men) to know that 1 in 8 could be them in 10 years, 5 years, next year- but they didn't even know it because they didn't feel empowered enough to talk to their doctor. We need high risk young women and men to think about fertility preservation - they might not know at 16 if they want to have children, but they should still have the chance if they want to later in life  and so they need to know how to talk to their parents and doctors about it now.
 

Because seriously? I should never have to agree with Kim Kardashian on anything. Ever.

What's your Creme de la Creme for 2010?

Mel over at Stirrup Queens is the host of a wonderful blog recognition program where we as a community select our own best post for the year. On January 1, 2011, Mel will then feature them in a list of all our best posts. It's the best of the best in the ALI community: it's the Creme de la Creme! And this year marks year number five.

The Best of the Adoption/Loss/Infertility Blogs of 2010

It's a pretty amazing list once it all goes live, and it's exciting to see what various bloggers see as their best posts for the year. Here's my 2009 Creme de la Creme submission. And I just submitted my post for the 2010 list... but of course I'm keeping it under wraps until the list goes up in January! So take a look back at your year and consider which post you'd like to show off. There are already 82 partipants (well, 83 if you count me) - will you be next?

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Have you donated to my Fertile Fall Fundraiser yet?

I've only raised $35 so far, and I've got $1965 to go!

Who wants to help out this important cause?

There's still plenty of time to donate!

In the Red Tent Temple

...I feel beautiful, vibrant, awakened, sexy, stress-free. I welcome the new moon with an open heart and a grateful smile.

"Welcome Woman, this place is made sacred with your presence."

In the Red Tent Temple, we are all Goddesses.

. . .

Last night, our Red Tent Temple was filmed for Isadora Leidenfrost's upcoming film, "Things We Don't Talk About." It was a magical, wonderful evening and I'm still left feeling like I'm walking just a few inches above the ground: our best Red Tent Temple to date.

I was interviewed individually on Monday night by Isadora at my dear friend Honeybee's home. It was strange to feel so exposed in front of her; I felt almost naked in the camera lens but I was just as open as if she hadn't been sitting there. Afterward, I felt exhilerated. Last night, I barely noticed the camera and lights, thankfully as Isadora literally "dressed up" her equipment in red dresses, fabric, boas, and tiaras. I didn't even notice she was filming most of the night and forgot she was there entirely until I was asked to wear a microphone for a few minutes.

So many beautiful women from all over came last night- many new faces or faces we hadn't seen in a while- and each woman brought her own unique voice, story, and talents to the group. There was drumming, singing, poetry reading, art displays, and just plain sharing and laughing and talking. We colored vulva coloring book pages, we drank tea (so much tea!), we ate chocolate chip cookies and tomato soup and sourdough bread and pomegranate seeds and apples and leftover Halloween candy.


Can you spot the pomegranate on my hand?

There was henna. I held the hands of dear friends and women I'd just met and painted intricate designs on their hands and mine. I'm usually shy about touching other people or being touched, but I dropped a boundary last night. There's something peaceful and calming about applying henna, watching the designs evolve on their own whimsy.

And ALisa Starkweather, the founder of the Red Tent Temple movement herself! - she stopped by and shared in our celebrations. I was star-struck and couldn't find the words to say much to her. But I was grateful and humbled by her appearance all the same.

We laughed, deep Baubo belly laughs. And our eyes brimmed with tears. Some cried openly. We talked about G-d, Goddess and women and sex and math class and chemotherapy and our husbands and birthdays and decision making and NOT making decisions if we don't want to and art and soup and our mothers and foremothers and the coming winter.

. . .

In the Red Tent Temple, it's the one place where I wear my infertility like a badge of honor, as if to say, "I am no less woman."

And if I so choose, I can leave that title at the door, too.

. . .

With a belly full of soup and tea and my heart filled with gladness and grace, I leave the Red Tent restored and whole again.

. . .

Every community needs a Red Tent Temple. We need to make Red Tent Temples for our teenaged girls. We need more Crones. We need to make room for trans voices and experiences. We need more women of color.

We need to reawaken the Dialogue of Women that whispers within each of us...

...and I firmly believe that the Red Tent Temple Movement is doing just that.

I am honored to be a part of this movement and thank you Honeybee, for opening the door to me and so many other women. We are each a part of something profoundly important to Women's Work.

A Fertile Fall Fundraiser!

Next Saturday is RESOLVE of New England's Annual Family Building Conference (full conference details here online). In the spirit of the Conference and also in my comittment to the organization, I'd like to host my first fundraiser for them: My Fertile Fall Fundraiser!




Here's how you can donate:

> Go to my Facebook Page, Keiko Zoll: Infertility Advocate, and donate via the FundRazr widget.

My goal is to raise $2,000 by December 30, 2010.

$2,000 may sound like a lot, but let's break that down...

$2,000 equals...
+ 20 people willing to donate $100 each;
+ 40 people willing to donate just $50 each;
+ 200 people who are willing to donate just $10 each!

For the cost of two tickets to a concert, the cost of a nice haircut with blowdry and style, or even the cost of brunch at your favorite mom and pop restaurant: you can make a contribution to help thousands of couples struggling with infertility in the New England region and help support an organization that's near and dear to my heart :)

In full disclosure, the money will be donated directly to my PayPal account. The only reason I'm not asking for donations directly to RNE is because my husband's company will match charitable contributions... so that means, if I meet my $2,000 goal, I'll actually be making a contribution of $4,000 to RESOLVE of New England!

Again in full disclosure: since your donation is made to me, it is not considered tax deductible. RESOLVE of New England is a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization and your contributions are tax deductible only when you make a contribution directly to them. If you'd like to donate directly to RNE, please click here, but before you do, check to see if your employer or your partner's employer has a charitable matching program. That way, even though you'll get the tax write-off, we won't lose out on the ability to match your donation, even if it's through a different company.

Please consider making your contribution today, whether you do it for yourself, a loved one, or if you've conquered your infertility... do it for your children! It's a great way to celebrate your victory.

I'm pretty confident I can hit this $2,000 goal, even with 200 people at just 10 bucks a pop... let's see how fast we can do it!

RESOLVE-ing to make a difference

I'm so excited that the RESOLVE of New England Annual Conference is in just a few weeks from now! It's amazing to me that last year, Larry and I walked in, wide-eyed, overwhelmed, and still trying to make sense of this daunting path known as infertility.

This year, I'm walking in as a volunteer and Board of Directors member, and Larry's walking in right back with me, also as a volunteer. I talk a little more about my experiences at the Annual Conference blog here and why I'm coming back this year.

I'm also officially inviting every single reader of this blog- no matter where you live- to attend this year's Annual Conference on November 6, 2010 in Marlborough, MA. I know the cost can seem like a lot, but scholarships are available. I should know: it was the only way Larry and I could afford to go last year. I'm telling you: it's totally worth it to attend this conference, if not for the vast array of information, resources, and people you'll meet, but for the sense of hope you'll walk away with at the end of the day.

7 Reasons Why You Should Come to the RESOLVE of New England Annual Conference:
1. Our keynote speaker is Melissa Ford, the ever-fabulous and award-winning author of Stirrup Queens. I'm kind of peeing my pants over the opportunity to meet her in person.

2. Plenty of information if you're considering adoption. The Annual Conference features an adoption track of sessions, including an adoptive and birth parent panel.

3. Plenty of information about IVF and donor egg. Again, a track just for donor egg sessions. We found these programs particularly informative and helpful last year.

4. Consumer access to area vendors. Clinics, adoption agencies, donor egg matching services, pharmacies that specialize in fertility drugs... there are a ton of vendors for you to connect with one-on-one. Whether you're a consumer or an industry professional, it's a great chance to network and gather resources.

5. Raffles! Because who doesn't love a good raffle?

6. New: Ask the Experts panels. Whether you've got questions about adoption, donor egg, your wonky ovaries, your wonky husband, we have a whole series of experts lined up ready to answer your questions from Reproductive Endocrinology, Acupuncture, Men's Perspectives, Nutrition, and more!

7. Come meet me! Not that I'm any kind of main attraction, but it would be awesome to meet some of you fabulous readers and followers IRL.

...So?

What are you waiting for? Register today. And if you are going, please do let me know in the comments - I'd love to meet up and grab lunch together during the Conference!

Remembering Our Losses

Today, October 15th, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Recognized in all 50 states, people are asked to light a candle at 7pm tonight for one hour to remember those who left this world far, far too soon.

I have never experienced a loss myself, and it's something that has actually been the driving force behind pursuing adoption. Is IVF truly worth the risk if we lose the pregnancy? I just don't know how I could bear it. IVF/DE isn't totally off the table yet, but the notion of loss is still an ever-present thought in the back of my mind.

While I'm incredibly lucky not to have experienced loss like this, I know many women, both personally and through the blogosphere, that have. And so for them, for their losses: you're in my hearts always, but especially so today.

Pregnancy loss is one of those topics that people aren't really sure with how to deal. How do you have a funeral? Why does this loss get less attention and compassion than the loss of someone who's older? It's all grief, it's all sad, and it doesn't deserve to be diminished in importance for the griever just because it doesn't fit the typical model of loss and death in modern society.

I can't imagine this kind of pain, and for those who have experienced it: I grieve for you and your loss and hope that you find peace, clarity, and hope it its wake.

Below is an incredibly moving and beautiful video with more information about this day of rememberance.



For more information, please visit http://www.october15th.com/.

My First Big Giveaway!

We've hit 200 posts, 200 followers, and 200 likes on Facebook. I think it's time for that long-promised giveaway! I'll be giving away five- yes, you read that right- five items for this giveaway! This is my way of saying thank you for sharing my work out there and being advocates in your own ways. I keep writing and doing this for y'all, so... thanks everyone. You all rock my socks ^_^

Kristen Magnacca, author of Love and Infertility: Survival Strategies for Balancing Infertility, Marriage, and Life, has generously offered one copy of her CD version of her book for this giveaway. Love and Infertility was honored with RESOLVE's inaugural Hope Award for Best Book last year at their Night of Hope. Her book is a wonderful resource to infertile couples, as described on her website:

Love and Infertility focuses on the importance of sharing and communicating so that a couple can move successfully through infertility without the stress of becoming all-encompassing and overwhelming. With honest humor and candid personal accounts, Kristen reveals tips, exercises, and rare bits of wisdom to guide couples through the hardships of infertility.

Joanne and Susan, the fabulous ladies behind Circle+Bloom, have generously donated one program of the winner's choice from their website! I personally have used their Energy for Empowerment program and I can't praise their products highly enough. From Joanne's soothing voice to the soul-stirring sense of body empowerment, Circle+Bloom is really the first product of its kind that specifically compliments each phase of a woman's cycle, whether she's trying to conceive naturally or through IVF/IUI, or simply trying to maintain a healthy pregnancy. Circle+Bloom is a truly innovative resource for all stages of your journey with a long list of testimonials to back it up, including:

“Circle+Bloom is a very important tool in the fertility kit. The Circle+Bloom audio mind-body program perfectly provides the support I need each day of my fertility journey. The audio meditations and visualizations so well-researched and well-crafted that I recommend it to every friend trying to conceive.” - Donna, via email.

Find out what three other goodies I'll have in this giveaway and how you can enter behind the cut!

Five (5) Fabulous Prizes Up For Grabs

1. Love and Infertility CD

2. Circle+Bloom Program of Your Choice

3. A pair of my handmade pomegranate earrings that I made for 200th Facebook follower, SomedayBabyT:

4. One very gently read copy of The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis. If you're exploring Traditional Chinese Medicine as an avenue in your journey, this is THE book:

5. A 15"x15" unframed print of Tranquility by artist Alida Saxon, as featured in my June ICLW intro post:

How to Enter
There are ten (10) possible ways you can enter to increase your chances of winning, as described below:

+ 1 entry = Leave a comment on this post. You may comment as many times as you like, but only your first comment will count for a total of 1 entry.

+ 1 entry = Post the following tweet: "I've entered to win some neat prizes @miriamshope's first giveaway, have you? Details here: http://bit.ly/9r6aup" You may retweet as many times as you like, but only your first tweet will count for a total of 1 entry.

+ 1 entry = Leave a comment on the Giveaway thread at my Facebook page. You may comment as many times as you like, but only your first comment will count for a total of 1 entry.

+ 1 entry = Become a follower of this blog. If you already are a follower of this blog, please mention that in your comment to this post with however your follower name is displayed.

+ 1 entry = Become a follower of my Facebook page. If you already are a follower of my FB page, please mention that in your comment to the Giveaway thread on my FB page.

+ 1 entry = Follow me on Twitter @miriamshope. If you already follow me on Twitter, please mention that in your comment to this post with your Twitter handle.

+ 4 entries = Write a blog post about this giveaway. That's right, this will earn you multiple entries! Your post must include my name (Keiko Zoll), my blog title (Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed) and a link to this post (http://hannahweptsarahlaughed.blogspot.com/2010/08/my-first-big-giveaway.html). Once you post it, you can comment here, tweet me, or leave a comment on my FB page with a link to your post.

Deadline to Enter
All entries must be received by 11:59pm EDT on Tuesday, August 31, 2010. That means all your tweets, comments, blog posts, and follower statuses must be made by that time. Five (5) individual and separate winners will be selected at random using Random.org sometime between September 1 and September 5, 2010. That means, once a winner has been picked for one prize, their name will be removed from selection of all other subsequent prizes. (I wanna spread the love here.) Winners will be announced on my blog sometime the week of September 6, 2010.

Good luck!

A Belly Full of Fire, Part Five: Millions of voices calling for change

This is the fifth and final post of my five-part series on infertility advocacy. Catch up on Part One: Advocate or Abdicate, Part Two: The Wounded Healer, Part Three: Which Direction Do We Swim?, and Part Four: In a Perfect World.

PS: I'm also just over a dozen people shy of 200 followers to this blog. Once I hit 200, I'll do my first giveaway! Click here to follow my blog.

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"We know the battle ahead will be long, but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change."
- Barack Obama (NH Primary Concession Speech, 2008)

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”
- Maria Robinson

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A Belly Full of Fire, Part Five: Millions of voices calling for change

You've felt the fire burning in your belly. You've taken the pledge. You've seen how advocacy can be a source of healing. You've considered the possibility of being a part of a movement, whether you're the lone nut or the first follower. And for a few moments, you could picture why all this hard work is totally worth it.

So... now what?

Reader StolenEggs (aka Fox in the Henhouse) made a great comment on Monday's post about up/downstream approaches to advocacy:

But I wonder how many people are actually a little like deer caught in headlights wondering, "Which way do I go?" In the end they are neither upstream nor down because they are frozen due to the sheer enormity of the situation.

I can totally respect that: Rome wasn't built in a day, throwing starfish back into the sea and all that. Raising awareness and advocating for infertility isn't something you can successfully accomplish in one day. Hell, it might not even be something we can successfully accomplish in a lifetime... but we can try.

My hope is that this series has stirred something within you, inspired you, fueled that fire in your belly. I can't tell you exactly how you can advocate for infertility: everyone finds their own path. Only you know how comfortable you are, what boundaries you are willing to push within yourself, how far you are willing to go.

...but of course I'm not going to abandon you after four posts and leave you with "Go west, young advocate!" I can give you a little nudge on some brainstorming. But the rest is up to you.

Like the post about upstream/downstream work, there's a lot you can do on both the small and larger scales, and even in between. It all depends on your comfort level and time commitment- and those of course can be fluid and change over time. Here are some ideas to get you started with becoming your own infertility advocate:

From the comfort of your living room, you can...

+ Utilize social media: Your blog, Twitter, Facebook... a lot of you are already doing this. Get your message out there. Keep it fresh, unique, engaging. Build readership and followership. Get yourself on blogrolls. Network. Check out my blogroll on the sidebar, or Mel's massive ALI blogroll over at Stirrup Queens to get started. If you're in New England, consider joining the New England Infertility Blogger Network.

+ Visit RESOLVE's website: Recently updated and full of resources. Go explore it and see what it has to offer, whether it's the Pledge, the Center for Infertility Justice, or Project IF - there are lots of great resources for you to get started on a national level in a "from the comfort of your own home" way.

+ Write letters to your legislators: Emailing is great, phone calls are nice too, but when legislators have to actually open a mailed letter, there's a greater chance your words will actually be seen by said legislator. For the cost of a postage stamp (lol, I sound like Sally Struthers) you too can advocate for infertility awareness. This is especially important for states with mandated coverage or those who have pending legislation that threatens or supports infertility causes.

+ Email your friends, family, colleagues: A bit more daring, but just as effective. Tell them what you're going through. Ask for their support, whether emotionally or financially. I am still inspired by Willow at Write, Baby, Repeat, who wrote to her two cousins in April asking them if they'd be willing to donate their eggs. Talk about putting yourself out there. Even though they ultimately said no, what an act of bravery, of awareness building. A request like that doesn't stay locked in the corners of your brain- I'm sure her cousins will be much more sensitive, compassionate people for it. Even in such a small dynamic as one family, awareness is raised and advocacy happens. You have to start somewhere, right? And the ripples will spread out from there... her best friend agreed to donate her eggs two months later.

+ Donate money for infertility awareness/advocacy: I know it's hard to donate in a down economy. We've got a looming first-home purchase hanging over our heads, but I still try to find even a couple of bucks to throw to my important causes. I do it because I figure if I put enough good out into the Universe maybe it'll throw a little back at me. Also, check with your employer to see if they do employee matching for charitable donations. Tada! Double your contribution. Some organizations I'll pitch for your donation: RESOLVE, RESOLVE of New England, Parenthood For Me, and Rachel's Well.

+ Become an "armchair" philanthropist: Take it one step further... Try organizing your own fundraiser via your blog or FB or email. Set a goal. Set a timeline. Ask for donations. Maybe build in some incentives. Even if you only get $10 that's $10 more than you started with and $10 toward an important cause. Success isn't necessarily measured in the amount of what you can raise doing something like this but in the fact that you raised anything at all. Or join a fundraiser already in progress, like reader Sonja has for the A.M.S. Endometriosis Foundation Online Auction. Or how Busted Kate helped a grieving family with DuckFest. Or how Parenthood For Me started her own non-profit that gives grants for adoptive couples! Or how Mrs. Tiye over at Broken Brown Egg is helping to raise awareness about how infertility impacts the African-American community at her first A.H.A. Gala For Infertility Awareness in Chicago in September.

There are lots of bloggers out there who are finding ways to raise awareness, raise funds, and advocate for change. These are just the few I could think off the top of my head, but if you're a reader here and I've missed the amazing advocacy work you're doing such as fundraisers and other things, leave a comment and share with everyone else!

Lastly, I want to talk about Obama's quote above. (I try to keep my politics out of this blog aside from legislative advocacy as it relates to infertility and women's health.) I was WAY late on the will.i.am "Yes We Can" bandwagon, but when I first heard it, it moved me to tears. What's even more amazing is that the lyrics come directly from his concession speech from the New Hampshire primaries, when he lost to Hilary Clinton. It was a pretty big loss, but here we are, addressing him as Mr. President rather than Mr. Senator. I have always found this quote inspiring: even when he was knocked down, Obama still mustered up the strength to keep going. It's a lesson for life.

After 6,350 words devoted to infertility advocacy in this series, it all boils down to this:

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1. If we don't advocate for infertility awareness for ourselves, no one will do it for us. We need to step up to the plate as a community.

2. Advocacy serves as a proactive way to heal old wounds and regain a sense of control with a disease that seems to rob so much control from us.

3. Find a way to advocate in a way that feels comfortable to you. Fuel that fire in your belly. Then, when you're ready, push yourself one step further.

4. Remember that infertility advocacy is not a lost cause. Do this for yourself. Do it for your partner. Do it for the 7.3 million people in this country. Do it because it matters and for what all the possibilities of successful advocacy could be. Have hope.

5. Start your advocacy today, from the comfort of your own living room. Just do something and start right now. Commit to change. Be the change, as Gandhi would say.

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The time for silence surrounding infertility is over. The time for a positive, open dialogue is long overdue. The time has come for a million voices calling for change.

Will you be one of them?

Photo by Abe Novy via Flickr.