Yesterday Ari and I celebrated two years together. It's kind of nuts, what we've been through in the first two years of marriage already, but we've come out stronger and closer. I'm still just as in love with him as the day I walked down the aisle. We went to a lovely French bistro for dinner, and he surprised me with my anniversary gift: an edited video of our wedding! We knew we had footage of our wedding, but it disappeared among family for almost a year and a half, and finally made our way back into our hands about 6 months ago. Ari recut the footage and we watched our whole ceremony (I never realized just how long our wedding ceremony was - almost 40 minutes!) and some speeches, the Hora, and some quintessentially NJ wedding dancing (Guns N Roses Livin' on a Prayer, Journey's Don't Stop Believin, and DJ Kool's Let Me Clear My Throat). It was the first time I'd really seen anything other than our pictures, and it was fun to relive those moments that feel so long ago, but in truth, were only two years ago.
Since it was the cotton anniversary, I made us t-shirts that say Team Z---, Est. 2008. On the back of Ari's it says 01 in big athletic numbers. On mine, 02. And yes, I bought the very first item for the child I don't have: a youth sized small t-shirt. The plan? When we get there, making another Team Z shirt with a big 03 on the back. And I bought it not b/c I'm pining for an impossibility, but b/c I'm excited for the future and feeling really hopeful.
A year ago, we had just gotten back from a whirlwind 5-day tour of California (San Fran to San Diego). I had baby fever like whoa, but right after the trip, it had calmed down somewhat. You can't really fit a carseat into a 2-seater Corvette Converible and just hop on the Pacific Coast Highway on a whim. And then 2009 just went to shit.
2010 has already started on a much better note. We're still going strong, we're feeling more comfortable in our family building plans, and things on the Ari's job front have really picked up. He's got an interview next Friday, a company that reached out to him and asked him to apply, another company that's willing to create a full-time position just for him, and then the latest... well, he may as well have gotten an offer letter last Thursday, quite spontaneously. He got a one line email from a former colleague: "How do you feel about Miami?" After a very positive conversation yesterday where numbers got thrown around that weren't laughed at, things could get very interesting for us very quickly. I'm still on the fence about moving and starting over again, but if the money's good... sometimes it's worth it to sellout in the short term for long term investments.
Other good news? My lady bits are feeling like lady bits again. I'm in this constant state of feeling like I'm PMS-ing, so that's a good thing, right? Who knows what's going on down there, but for now, I'll take it.
Only one small gripe, out of all this goodness lately... I got my first "so when are you having kids" comment, ever. My sister posted a lovely status wishing Ari and I a happy anniversary, and wishing us a year filled with good things. A commenter added "And another baby!" Commenter has no clue about our situation, as far as I know. It's all good- a harmless, throwaway comment from someone I've talked to maybe twice in my life- but even after almost 11 months, it still lands weird. Had this comment been made 6 months ago, different story. I can look at this momentary gripe as a way of looking at how I've grown.
Does my diagnosis still hurt? Absolutely. Do I still wish I could have my own genetic children? Every day. But have I let my infertility consume me? Despite my IF coloring the way I look at the world, has it defined me, defeated me?
No, no it hasn't.
It's not so much that I've moved on or moved past this, rather, I've accepted it, accepted what I need to do to move forward from here, and accepted that I'm still an ok person, and that even though my life isn't going according to plan (does it ever??) I'll make it work.
And I'll come out stronger in the end.
In other news, I will hopefully find out if I'm going to be the Auntie of a neice or nephew a week from today... exciting! Spud has not been cooperating very well during u/s - Spud's a bit camera shy. My bets are on a girl. Everyone else seems to think it'll be a boy. Hopefully we'll know more in a week!
January 27, 2010
January 21, 2010
What the hell happned to January?
This happens every year. I work in higher ed, so January just vanishes. November is also notorious for just disappearing. Work has been crazy. I hate my job, I hate the people I work with... it's just a challenge to get out of bed every morning, which is extra hard when you live where you work. What's worse is I hate the field I'm in now, and I don't really know what else to be when I grow up.
Things occupying my time as of late: work. More work. Here, have a few extra hours of work tonight. Cooking, cleaning, and watching epic amounts of LOST. I'm 3/4's of the way through Season 3. Thank goodness seasons 4 & 5 are shorter. Final season premiere in less than 2 weeks. I'm so excited I could just piddle.
Latest round of bloodwork has come back. TSH is up to1.06 from 0.029 just 4 weeks ago. Free T3 is still steadily climbing. No clue if this is good or bad. Free T4 still rocking out in normal town. I am most excited about the TSH. I basically told my doctor I wasn't upping my dose (which he recommended at the end of December). I stayed on the 125 of Le.voxyl and it seems my body just needed more time to adjust to the dose. Symptomatically, I'm feeling pretty darn good.
Here's the most interesting lab that came back: my estradiol is up from 20 to 27. This is interesting b/c in the last 2 weeks, up until about 2 days ago, my boobs were sore, I've been crazy moody, and holy shit - my libido came back to nigh high school and college levels, much to Ari's happiness. I've also had intermittent discomfort in my right ovary region. It lasted about 2 days, on and off. There's a chance I could have some kind of cyst.
Or maybe *strokes imaginary beard inquisitively*... maybe the Big O happened?
...
Ahahahaha! Man, that would be crazy. Theoretically, my estradiol was in the right range, as was my LH, but my FSH is through the freakin roof (63! Highest yet, I believe.)
But we didn't take any chances, and course corrected appropriately (refer to the libido comment above.) Things I am promising myself right the hell now: no pee sticks, unless I'm hurling chunks for a few days in a row. Who knows what's going on down there. It's weird to feel all PMS-y again. I haven't really had PMS in a year... actually, about this time almost exactly a year ago. Huge PMS buildup and then... nothing. This moodiness has taken me by surprise really- I've forgotten how weird it feels. I'm bitchy, emotional, bloated... I lament about missing it for over a year and then forgot just how icky the whole menstrual cycle can be sometimes.
Maybe this is just my ovary's way of saying, "Happy New Year!" before flipping me off every time I think about trying to have my own children.
And if I really do actually get a period- a for reals, honest to goodness, no this isn't withdrawal bleeding from being the on the pill period- I'll be devastated. That could have been THE last egg.
Or maybe... maybe there's a fucking chance. Maybe my body is slowly recovering itself, having a lil Bionic Woman peptalk between thyroid and ovary, saying things like, "We can rebuild her."
Next time I meet with the doc I'll make sure to get an u/s done, just to check for cysts. It's been 6 months since my last u/s, which came back normal. But for now, I'm going to ride out these PMS-like symptoms and see where they're taking me. I hope they're takin' me to Mom Town, or at least Holy Shit You're Ovulating Ville, by way of This Would Be a Fucking Miracle Airways.
For now, I'm just flyin' standby.
Things occupying my time as of late: work. More work. Here, have a few extra hours of work tonight. Cooking, cleaning, and watching epic amounts of LOST. I'm 3/4's of the way through Season 3. Thank goodness seasons 4 & 5 are shorter. Final season premiere in less than 2 weeks. I'm so excited I could just piddle.
Latest round of bloodwork has come back. TSH is up to1.06 from 0.029 just 4 weeks ago. Free T3 is still steadily climbing. No clue if this is good or bad. Free T4 still rocking out in normal town. I am most excited about the TSH. I basically told my doctor I wasn't upping my dose (which he recommended at the end of December). I stayed on the 125 of Le.voxyl and it seems my body just needed more time to adjust to the dose. Symptomatically, I'm feeling pretty darn good.
Here's the most interesting lab that came back: my estradiol is up from 20 to 27. This is interesting b/c in the last 2 weeks, up until about 2 days ago, my boobs were sore, I've been crazy moody, and holy shit - my libido came back to nigh high school and college levels, much to Ari's happiness. I've also had intermittent discomfort in my right ovary region. It lasted about 2 days, on and off. There's a chance I could have some kind of cyst.
Or maybe *strokes imaginary beard inquisitively*... maybe the Big O happened?
...
Ahahahaha! Man, that would be crazy. Theoretically, my estradiol was in the right range, as was my LH, but my FSH is through the freakin roof (63! Highest yet, I believe.)
But we didn't take any chances, and course corrected appropriately (refer to the libido comment above.) Things I am promising myself right the hell now: no pee sticks, unless I'm hurling chunks for a few days in a row. Who knows what's going on down there. It's weird to feel all PMS-y again. I haven't really had PMS in a year... actually, about this time almost exactly a year ago. Huge PMS buildup and then... nothing. This moodiness has taken me by surprise really- I've forgotten how weird it feels. I'm bitchy, emotional, bloated... I lament about missing it for over a year and then forgot just how icky the whole menstrual cycle can be sometimes.
Maybe this is just my ovary's way of saying, "Happy New Year!" before flipping me off every time I think about trying to have my own children.
And if I really do actually get a period- a for reals, honest to goodness, no this isn't withdrawal bleeding from being the on the pill period- I'll be devastated. That could have been THE last egg.
Or maybe... maybe there's a fucking chance. Maybe my body is slowly recovering itself, having a lil Bionic Woman peptalk between thyroid and ovary, saying things like, "We can rebuild her."
Next time I meet with the doc I'll make sure to get an u/s done, just to check for cysts. It's been 6 months since my last u/s, which came back normal. But for now, I'm going to ride out these PMS-like symptoms and see where they're taking me. I hope they're takin' me to Mom Town, or at least Holy Shit You're Ovulating Ville, by way of This Would Be a Fucking Miracle Airways.
For now, I'm just flyin' standby.
January 15, 2010
Miriam's Foodie Fridays 1
Welcome to Miriam's Foodie Fridays! Since good food is better shared, Miriam's Foodie Fridays will be open to anyone on the blogosphere who'd like to participate!
How can you participate in Miriam's Foodie Fridays? It's simple!
- Snag the badge- grab the code here.
- On Friday, post to your blog a new recipe that you've made over the past week. Make sure to cite your source, if applicable.
- If you got some food porn, include that too. Everyone loves a tasty macro shot.
- Tell us how the new recipe was: was it delish? Was it a bust? Would you make it again? Dish!
- Leave a comment on the latest Foodie Fridays blog post here with a link to your post.
- Ta da! That's it :)
On a ridiculously cold night here in Boston, I wanted to warm up our bellies with a deliciously oh-so bad for you version of macaroni and cheese that's so bad for you it's almost sinful. I bring you...
I'm actually not going to repost the recipe here, so you'll have to click over to get all the details. And quite frankly, her recipe and the step-by-step picture guide is probably the most hilariously written recipe blog post I've ever read. It's totally worth the CTRL + click over.
A brief summary of the ingredients:
- 2 cups of whole milk (I used ultra pasteurized skim that tastes like 2%)
- half and half (This is where I made up for not having whole milk by using heavy cream... since I didn't have half and half)
- 2 cups of various cheeses (I ended up using vlaskas gouda, aged guyere, sharp cheddar, parmegiano reggiano, fontina, and chevre)
- caramelized onions
- bacon, sweet glorious bacon...
- ...and its decadent drippings
Bonus recipe!
Grilled Tomato Salad, by yours truly
Take a couple of ripe tomatoes and slice in half. Throw on the grill cut side down until they're done. In my case, it's the middle of winter, so I put them on a griddle/skillet/pan thingie I have, put it on high heat, and just let them cook. Create a bed of salad greens in a bowl. Whip up a little balsamic vinaigrette with balsamic vinegar and olive oil (1:1 ratio) and drizzle over salad greens. Place the grilled tomato half cut side up on bed of greens, and drizzle just a smidge of olive oil right on top of the tomato. Feel free to garnish with fresh chopped basil.
What recipe do you have to add to The Collective Cookbook for Miriam's Foodie Friday? Leave a comment on the most recent Foodie Friday post here with your link to your recipe post!
January 12, 2010
My Two Week Wait
Ha! Gotcha didn't I?
It's two weeks until my two-year wedding anniversary. It's pretty crazy to think that this time two years ago I was finalizing seating charts and making lots of illegal photocopies of wedding programs at work, and, amazingly enough, still tracking down RSVPs (we had a few stragglers).
I remember thinking- how is life going to be different? We'd already been living together for almost 4 years at the point, and dating for over 7 years at that point. We'd been engaged just shy of 2 years - I mean really, how could things be different for us?
On the morning of my wedding, at 7am, I went for a run. I am not exactly a "go for a run" kind of lady, but I put on something warm, loaded up my iPod with all sorts of girl-power tracks, and jogged/ran about 2 miles on the track at the park near my parents' house. I had a nice long conversation with myself about being a good wife to my husband, but at the same time thinking "What does that even mean?" As far as I and a lot of other people were concerned, our wedding was just a formality. Ari and I were long committed to each other - we were soulmates, we were in love - that's all a marriage needs... right?
While it didn't happen the moment we signed our ketubah, there certainly was a mental shift, a sense of both belonging and responsibility unlike that which I've felt before. Ari wasn't just the guy that helped pay half the rent anymore (to be fair though, I don't think I ever regarded him in that light; it was more to make a point). Suddenly, decisions about big purchases or jobs or whatever took on a whole new perspective; having a spouse carried a greater sense of responsibility unlike any I'd really been able to understand up until that point. I felt, curiously, like a grown up for the first time.
I went to a peer-led RESOLVE support group last week, and another woman there had a similar experience to Ari and I - female-factor, early in the marriage, Dx before TTC. She stated that she felt like her infertility has unfortunately defined so much of their marriage. In a lot of ways, I can really relate. Just a couple of months after our 1st wedding anniversary, we get handed a bombshell. And then a layoff. And then lots of other craptacular stuff that just rained down on us in 2009. But here we are, 2 weeks away from anniversary numero two, still intact, albeit a little bruised.
Amazingly, what could have driven some couples apart has managed to bring us closer together. Our marriage has never felt stronger. My friendship to my husband has never felt deeper. I used to be paranoid, in the fiancee days, that we wouldn't have anything to talk about as we grew old together. How wrong I was: we talk all the damn time, from the latest internet meme to vacation plans to deep philosophical crap on the meaning of human existence. Sometimes a conversation might just be fart noises and butt jokes. Sometimes we have these moments of complete crystal clarity: vulnerable, terrified, and desperate for validation. But always, we are there together, side by side, and ready to take on the next big adventure.
It's weird, after everything we've been through, it's hard to believe it's only two years, cuz damn, it feels like 4 or 5, easily.
It's two weeks until my two-year wedding anniversary. It's pretty crazy to think that this time two years ago I was finalizing seating charts and making lots of illegal photocopies of wedding programs at work, and, amazingly enough, still tracking down RSVPs (we had a few stragglers).
I remember thinking- how is life going to be different? We'd already been living together for almost 4 years at the point, and dating for over 7 years at that point. We'd been engaged just shy of 2 years - I mean really, how could things be different for us?
On the morning of my wedding, at 7am, I went for a run. I am not exactly a "go for a run" kind of lady, but I put on something warm, loaded up my iPod with all sorts of girl-power tracks, and jogged/ran about 2 miles on the track at the park near my parents' house. I had a nice long conversation with myself about being a good wife to my husband, but at the same time thinking "What does that even mean?" As far as I and a lot of other people were concerned, our wedding was just a formality. Ari and I were long committed to each other - we were soulmates, we were in love - that's all a marriage needs... right?
While it didn't happen the moment we signed our ketubah, there certainly was a mental shift, a sense of both belonging and responsibility unlike that which I've felt before. Ari wasn't just the guy that helped pay half the rent anymore (to be fair though, I don't think I ever regarded him in that light; it was more to make a point). Suddenly, decisions about big purchases or jobs or whatever took on a whole new perspective; having a spouse carried a greater sense of responsibility unlike any I'd really been able to understand up until that point. I felt, curiously, like a grown up for the first time.
I went to a peer-led RESOLVE support group last week, and another woman there had a similar experience to Ari and I - female-factor, early in the marriage, Dx before TTC. She stated that she felt like her infertility has unfortunately defined so much of their marriage. In a lot of ways, I can really relate. Just a couple of months after our 1st wedding anniversary, we get handed a bombshell. And then a layoff. And then lots of other craptacular stuff that just rained down on us in 2009. But here we are, 2 weeks away from anniversary numero two, still intact, albeit a little bruised.
Amazingly, what could have driven some couples apart has managed to bring us closer together. Our marriage has never felt stronger. My friendship to my husband has never felt deeper. I used to be paranoid, in the fiancee days, that we wouldn't have anything to talk about as we grew old together. How wrong I was: we talk all the damn time, from the latest internet meme to vacation plans to deep philosophical crap on the meaning of human existence. Sometimes a conversation might just be fart noises and butt jokes. Sometimes we have these moments of complete crystal clarity: vulnerable, terrified, and desperate for validation. But always, we are there together, side by side, and ready to take on the next big adventure.
It's weird, after everything we've been through, it's hard to believe it's only two years, cuz damn, it feels like 4 or 5, easily.
January 8, 2010
Miriam's Foodie Fridays!
I'm starting a new tradition here at HWSL: Miriam's Foodie Fridays! As part of my New Year's resolutions (I'll have a nice long post about those this weekend), I want to cook a new recipe at least once a week for the entire year. I want to share that recipe, along with some serious food porn shots of the cooking process and end results, along with my reviews, here on the web for you to a) drool over and b) hopefully try on your own! Since good food is better shared, Miriam's Foodie Fridays will be open to anyone on the blogosphere who'd like to participate!
How can you participate in Miriam's Foodie Fridays? It's simple!
- Snag the badge- grab the code here.
- On Friday, post to your blog a new recipe that you've made over the past week. Make sure to cite your source, if applicable.
- If you got some food porn, include that too. Everyone loves a tasty macro shot.
- Tell us how the new recipe was: was it delish? Was it a bust? Would you make it again? Dish!
- Leave a comment on the latest Foodie Fridays blog post here with a link to your post.
- Ta da! That's it :)
And the inaugural recipe?
Smoked Paprika Roasted Salmon with Wilted Spinach
Ingredients
1/4 cup orange juice
2 tablespoons plus 1 teaspoon olive oil, divided
2 teaspoons dried thyme Leaves , divided
2 pounds salmon fillets
1 tablespoon brown sugar
1 tablespoon Paprika, Smoked
1 teaspoon Cinnamon
1 teaspoon grated orange peel
1/2 teaspoon Sea Salt (unground)
1 bag(10 ounces) fresh spinach leaves
Directions
1. Mix orange juice, 2 tablespoons of the oil and 1 teaspoon of the thyme in small bowl. Place salmon in glass dish. Add marinade; turn to coat. Cover. Refrigerate 30 minutes or longer for extra flavor.
2. Preheat oven to 400°F. Mix brown sugar, smoked paprika, cinnamon, orange peel, remaining 1 teaspoon thyme and sea salt in small bowl. Remove salmon from marinade. Place in greased foil-lined baking pan. Discard any remaining marinade.
3. Rub top of salmon evenly with smoked paprika mixture. Roast 10 to 15 minutes or until fish flakes easily with a fork.
4. Meanwhile, heat remaining 1 teaspoon oil in large skillet on medium heat. Add spinach; cook 2 minutes or until wilted. Serve salmon over spinach.
Source: TheNest.com (link to recipe here).
Paired with a lil homemade garlic bread, and accompanied only by the finest Virgil's root beer. Candles optional.
This recipe was really a hit Thursday night! I thought 10oz of spinach would be too much, but I ended up using an entire 5oz box of baby spinach. It was just the right amount of spinach to the portion of fish. I used a little bit too much of the rub - I forgot I was only working with 1.5lbs of salmon, so I thought I needed to use all the extra rub. Smoked paprika is fantastic - the smokey, earthy flavor reminds me of campfires and autumn; it's delicious. A tip: mash up the dried thyme in your hands before adding to the marinade and rub to release the oils. If you use a salt grinder like I do, don't grind the sea salt. The crunch and texture of the salt is a nice contrast to the soft give of the salmon and the softness of the spinach. The richness of the rub would actually pair really nicely with a spicy red wine, but alas, it was root beer tonight.
What recipe do you have to add to The Collective Cookbook for Miriam's Foodie Friday? Leave a comment on the most recent Foodie Friday post here with your link to your recipe post!
Also, feel free to snag the handy dandy sidebar badge below:
January 6, 2010
A donor for your thoughts.
Please indicate your preference:
hair color, eye color, location, highest education received, religion, race, ethnicity, height, etc.
My future child is being determined by a basic sort formula in Excel.
. . .
Ari and I have begun to look at donors. We're not committing, by any stretch of the imagination. But at the suggestion of my therapist, it's more of an exercise in making this more real, in moving beyond grief and into action. Dr. S warned me that some couples can get really hung up on the donor selection process. After perusing a few databases online, I can see why.
It's fucking weird choosing a donor. There is no gentle, eloquent way to say that.
Sometimes I browse on my own, pick a handful here and there. Different things stick out for me: race, hair and eye color, religion (b/c a Jewish donor would make life so much easier in terms of conversion issues). Then I might read about how they're musically inclined, artistic, or well-traveled.
What the hell does a well-traveled donor have to do with who my future child will grow up to be? Very little, other than increased donor exposure to foreign illness and such, but otherwise, not so much. But it's weird how reading that lil tidbit fact about a donor suddenly makes her more attractive.
Speaking of attractive... why do I keep picking pretty donors? And when Ari picks out a donor he likes, and she's obviously quite attractive, why do a get a little pang of jealousy? Or worse, when he picks a donor I don't think is attractive, I say to myself: "Am I in that same class of women? Am I that unattractive too?" I start looking at myself through the lens of my husband, and I feel like I look like a very different person.
Choosing an egg donor opens up whole new body image wounds you didn't even know where there. I've come a LONG way in my body image issues. Am I obese? Yes, by BMI standards. Do I look it? Not really - I hide it well. I'm finally at the "I don't really care, so long as I'm not morbidly obese or generally unhealthy." But all of a sudden, when I'm browsing profiles of women weighing in their 120s, I get very self-conscious about my extra weight.
When we went to the RESOLVE Conference in November, we went to a really helpful panel discussion on adoption vs. donor egg. There were two DE recipients there. One Japanese woman was totally focused on getting a Japanese donor. In the end, she settled for Korean, b/c it was close enough. The other woman originally looked for donors that looked like her, had the same interests, but ended up going with a woman who looks nothing like her and with totally different interests. She used the DE as an opportunity to bring new traits- physical and character- into her family. A neat concept and a brave choice.
It's a bizarre state to be in: making judgements about women I've never met, like some distorted beauty contest. Instead of a swimsuit category, I'm judging the profile pictures they chose. Instead of an interview, I'm reading detailed medical histories. Instead of the Congeniality Award, I'm reading donor statements. And do I place oddly-out-of-context-for-me judgements? Absolutely. Weird trend I've noticed: several donors I've seen have had abortions. And for some reason, this sits weirdly with me. Which is odd, b/c I'm lil Miss Pro-Choice. The whole thing is just surreal.
I'm glad we've got some time before we need to commit to anything, because choosing an egg donor is probably the strangest, most emotionally confusing thing I've ever had to do. I mean, think about it: I'm picking another woman with whom my husband will make a baby.
Fucking weird.
hair color, eye color, location, highest education received, religion, race, ethnicity, height, etc.
My future child is being determined by a basic sort formula in Excel.
. . .
Ari and I have begun to look at donors. We're not committing, by any stretch of the imagination. But at the suggestion of my therapist, it's more of an exercise in making this more real, in moving beyond grief and into action. Dr. S warned me that some couples can get really hung up on the donor selection process. After perusing a few databases online, I can see why.
It's fucking weird choosing a donor. There is no gentle, eloquent way to say that.
Sometimes I browse on my own, pick a handful here and there. Different things stick out for me: race, hair and eye color, religion (b/c a Jewish donor would make life so much easier in terms of conversion issues). Then I might read about how they're musically inclined, artistic, or well-traveled.
What the hell does a well-traveled donor have to do with who my future child will grow up to be? Very little, other than increased donor exposure to foreign illness and such, but otherwise, not so much. But it's weird how reading that lil tidbit fact about a donor suddenly makes her more attractive.
Speaking of attractive... why do I keep picking pretty donors? And when Ari picks out a donor he likes, and she's obviously quite attractive, why do a get a little pang of jealousy? Or worse, when he picks a donor I don't think is attractive, I say to myself: "Am I in that same class of women? Am I that unattractive too?" I start looking at myself through the lens of my husband, and I feel like I look like a very different person.
Choosing an egg donor opens up whole new body image wounds you didn't even know where there. I've come a LONG way in my body image issues. Am I obese? Yes, by BMI standards. Do I look it? Not really - I hide it well. I'm finally at the "I don't really care, so long as I'm not morbidly obese or generally unhealthy." But all of a sudden, when I'm browsing profiles of women weighing in their 120s, I get very self-conscious about my extra weight.
When we went to the RESOLVE Conference in November, we went to a really helpful panel discussion on adoption vs. donor egg. There were two DE recipients there. One Japanese woman was totally focused on getting a Japanese donor. In the end, she settled for Korean, b/c it was close enough. The other woman originally looked for donors that looked like her, had the same interests, but ended up going with a woman who looks nothing like her and with totally different interests. She used the DE as an opportunity to bring new traits- physical and character- into her family. A neat concept and a brave choice.
It's a bizarre state to be in: making judgements about women I've never met, like some distorted beauty contest. Instead of a swimsuit category, I'm judging the profile pictures they chose. Instead of an interview, I'm reading detailed medical histories. Instead of the Congeniality Award, I'm reading donor statements. And do I place oddly-out-of-context-for-me judgements? Absolutely. Weird trend I've noticed: several donors I've seen have had abortions. And for some reason, this sits weirdly with me. Which is odd, b/c I'm lil Miss Pro-Choice. The whole thing is just surreal.
I'm glad we've got some time before we need to commit to anything, because choosing an egg donor is probably the strangest, most emotionally confusing thing I've ever had to do. I mean, think about it: I'm picking another woman with whom my husband will make a baby.
Fucking weird.
My First Blog Award!
Presented to me by Sara over at Life Goes On. I had no idea I had won until I did a lil vanity searching recently :) Thanks so much Sara, I'm touched and honored!
The Rules:
- Share 7 things that you don't already know about me.
- Name 7 other blogs to receive this award.
- Leave a comment on each of the blogs I nominated.
- Thank the person who gave you the award.
7 Things About Me
- My favorite books include: Brave New World, House of Leaves, Kafka on the Shore, The Red Tent, Haunted, Atonement, and The Little Prince.
- I have watched the sun rise over the Reflecting Pond from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial and have seen the sun set over the Pacific Ocean along the Pacific Coast Highway, somewhere between Big Sur and Cayucos.
- Things I have eaten raw: crab, squid, abelone, tuna, salmon, mackerel, sea urchin.
- I have a knack for crafting and pick up on new crafts fairly quickly. My newest venture? Jewelry making. It's easy, it's fun, and if I get good enough at it, I can sell it.
- (Click the links for neat places I've actually been to in all of these states/countries.) I have visited the following states: New Jersey, Pennsylvania, New York, Maryland, Virginia, South Carolina, Florida, Massachusetts, Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, Wisconsin, Nevada (I'm counting the 2 hours I spent in Las Vegas on a layover - I played a slot machine, it counts), and California. I have visited the following countries: Bahamas, Canada, Iceland (again, counting a 4-hour layover in Reykjavík), France, Japan.
- I have been a vivid dreamer all of my life, and keep dream journals. I have recently delved into lucid dreaming with great success. I have several recurring dream symbols: bridges, oceans, tornadoes, being chased, carnivals and museums, the NJ Boardwalk, and recurring several recurring dreamscapes, particularly surrounding the neighborhood I grew up. If I really put my mind to it, I could map my entire recurrent dreamscape if I wanted to.
- I am a closet professional wrestling fan. The Big Show is my favorite wrestler, followed closely by The Undertaker and HBK. I don't follow it as much as I used to a few years ago, but I start caring once the Royal Rumble happens, and definitely try to clue in before Wrestlemania each year.
7 Other Blogs to Receive this Award!
- Jo at MoJo Working: Witty and razor sharp; I've enjoyed her writing style and perspective on life. She is going through a loss right now, so please direct all your love and energy to her and her husband as they go through this tough time.
- Fertility Chick: A blog I've started reading recently - dealing with PCOS and male factor. Found her via Twitter.
- Bella at Bella and Her Fella: One of the first POF blogs I found- she's now pg with twins (and due fairly soon, I believe). She gives me a lot of hope about finding parenthood despite POF.
- Kate of Busted Plumbing: This is probably the spunkiest blogs I've come across so far, and I love it. Another Twitter find.
- Die Frau Ohne Schatten (The Woman Without a Shadow): She's been MIA since a miscarriage mid-last year, and I'm hoping my blog award will coax her back into the blogosphere.
- IVF and the Newlywed: Props to a fellow Bostonian, who's also started a lovely gathering call the Ruby Feather Social Club. I'm still working up the nerve to actually check them out in person instead of lurking/following the idea on the internet.
- And my last award goes to Gil over at The Hardest Quest. This one is special to me. I met Gil over on LiveJournal, in one of the infertility communities. I put one of those "omg how do you cope with the pain?" questions out there, and Gil suggested I try blogging. She pointed me to her blog, and through hers I found so many others, and discovered the huge ALI blogosphere in just a matter of days. Pretty soon, I was bold enough to start my own. After years of struggling with IF, Gil is now a proud Maman to a 4-month-old daughter.
January 4, 2010
Two dichotomous posts on parenting
Two quick stories I wanted to share with two interesting takes on the limits of parenthood.
1. A truly disturbing story from my current home state of Massachusetts: Mother of 9 claims she was sterilized against her will.
My quick take: Appalling, illegal, downright immoral. This story challenges us to think about the right to parent, and about basic reproductive rights.
2. A more uplifting story from CNN: 'Unadoptable' as child, man gets new parents.
Just two interesting stories I wanted to throw out there. More updates this week.
1. A truly disturbing story from my current home state of Massachusetts: Mother of 9 claims she was sterilized against her will.
Savicki acknowledged that some may feel little sympathy for her situation, but cautioned against public judgment because she is a poor, unmarried mother of 9.“I would never have the right to tell anyone else ‘because you have this many kids that’s enough,’ ” she said. “That’s no one’s right to say that. It’s my choice. No one has the right to say you’ve had enough.
My quick take: Appalling, illegal, downright immoral. This story challenges us to think about the right to parent, and about basic reproductive rights.
2. A more uplifting story from CNN: 'Unadoptable' as child, man gets new parents.
John decided he was tired of spending Christmas and birthdays alone. He realized, even as an adult, that he still needed parents to provide him advice -- and compassion. He wanted a family of his own.My quick take: Even at the age of 23, a "child" found a family. Adult adoptions are pretty rare in the U.S., but this article challenges us to reconsider our traditional definitions of family, parenthood, and a sense of belonging and human compassion for your fellow man.
Just two interesting stories I wanted to throw out there. More updates this week.
December 31, 2009
Goodbye, oh nine.
Out with the old,
In with the new.
Two thousand nine,
I wash my hands of you.
Onward and UP!ward.
A blessed New Year to you all.
In with the new.
Two thousand nine,
I wash my hands of you.
Onward and UP!ward.
A blessed New Year to you all.
December 29, 2009
A letter to MA State Senator Scott Brown
I received an action alert email from a donor agency that Ari and I have been using to browse donor profiles. We haven't selected a donor, but it's a nice exercise in getting us at least mentally prepared for DE/IVF. The email linked to an article in yesterday's Boston Globe, where Senator Scott Brown, currently running for Republicans in next week's special election for the late Kennedy's US Senate seat, has said that he intends to propose legislation that would no longer require MA insurance companies to cover IVF. The key paragraph from the article is below:
As usual, this got me fired up, and I fired off an email to Senator Brown directly. If you live in MA, I urge you to do the same: his email is Scott.P.Brown@state.ma.us.
Dear Senator Brown,
I recently read in yesterday's Globe (http://www.boston.com/news/
As an elected official in Massachusetts, infertility affects over 150,000 of your constituents, according to the CDC’s 2002 National Survey of Family Growth. Yet, this isn’t something that we would necessarily write to you about. For many of us, we won’t even share these concerns outside of our closest family and friends. Some of us never find the words or the ways to share it with others, and live with a deeply stressful, private struggle. I, however, have chosen to remain silent no longer, and have channeled my fear and frustration into advocacy for an issue about which I deeply care.
Senator Brown, allow me to share my story with you, so that you may understand why insurance coverage for IVF is so important. Nine months ago, I began having symptoms wildly atypical for an otherwise healthy 26 year old woman in her childbearing years. My husband and I had no plans for children until a few years from now, once we were more settled financially. Taking the proactive approach about these strange symptoms, I sought out my doctor, who delivered a bombshell of a diagnosis: premature ovarian failure (POF). Formerly known as premature menopause, my reproductive system as essentially shut down, in a process I shouldn't be experiencing for another two decades. At 26 years old, I had lost my ability to be able to have my own children. At 26 years old, I was married for just over a year and had no plans to even start trying to have children for another two to three years, and I was told I would never be able to achieve pregnancy naturally. The only hope of building a family, I was told, as I sat there speechless and shell-shocked in my doctor's office, was to use donor eggs in conjunction with IVF or to pursue adoption.
It has been a wild year as my husband and I have been completely rethinking everything we thought we knew about how we would build a family together. Just days after my diagnosis, my husband was laid off. We moved quickly to transfer insurance coverage through my employer. As we began researching our options further, IVF has appeared more fiscally lucrative to our situation, particularly on one income right now. Dollar for dollar, IVF and domestic adoption cost about the same, in the $30,000 range. What has made IVF particularly attractive is that currently in the state of Massachusetts, that cost is nearly cut in half thanks to the state-mandated infertility coverage regulations.
Every decision my husband and I have made about our careers in the last nine months has been centered on the fact that we need to remain in Massachusetts, because of the very coverage that's in place. Senator Brown, if you propose legislation that would discontinue coverage for IVF, I simply cannot afford to have children, IVF or otherwise. This legislation would take away my ability to a basic human right: the right to build a family. The next best solution for us would be to uproot and move to another state with the next best health care regulations in place (in this case, New Jersey or Connecticut). In this economy, looking for a new job isn't easy, to put it plainly: just ask my husband, who is still unemployed after nearly a year since being laid off. How can this be something you endorse - legislation that denies individuals the right to build families or drives them out of the state to find appropriate coverage?
Senator Brown, I implore you not pursue this change in legislation. As a candidate for the Senate seat left by the late Honorable Ted Kennedy, it seems contrary to the legacy of progressive health care reform and support left in his passing.
In the Boston Globe article you state, "My primary responsibility is to ensure that the people of Massachusetts get the best value for their dollar." How can this be possible when you intend to propose cutting the coverage upon which the people of Massachusetts depend? Perhaps your rationale is that these procedures, like mammograms and minimum maternity stay lengths (as you also intend to propose coverage reductions), aren't relevant to the entire population of the state. Perhaps infertile women and couples, women at risk for breast cancer, and new mothers make up only a small portion of your constituents, despite the fact that 3.2 million women make up 52% of the state’s population. A reduction in these vital services is quite plainly cutting off the nose despite the face.
Senator Brown, I urge you to reconsider your position on health care coverage reduction in the state of Massachusetts, and I encourage you to contact RESOLVE, the National Infertility Association (www.resolve.org) or its regional chapter here in Waltham, RESOLVE of the Bay State (www.resolveofthebaystate.org) for more information about why infertility coverage matters. I also welcome the opportunity to discuss this issue personally with you and your staff.
Senator Brown, I don't want to feel like my chances of having a family are being taken away from me for a second time.
Best,
Miriam
Brown also said he was filing legislation in Massachusetts to ease regulations on insurance companies, which he said have driven up costs. He said companies should not be required to cover so many different medical services, including in vitro fertilization.Coakley's campaign this afternoon attacked the bill, saying it would allow the removal of mandated insurance coverage for things such as mammograms, minimum maternity stays for new mothers, and hospice care for seniors.
As usual, this got me fired up, and I fired off an email to Senator Brown directly. If you live in MA, I urge you to do the same: his email is Scott.P.Brown@state.ma.us.
Dear Senator Brown,
I recently read in yesterday's Globe (http://www.boston.com/news/
As an elected official in Massachusetts, infertility affects over 150,000 of your constituents, according to the CDC’s 2002 National Survey of Family Growth. Yet, this isn’t something that we would necessarily write to you about. For many of us, we won’t even share these concerns outside of our closest family and friends. Some of us never find the words or the ways to share it with others, and live with a deeply stressful, private struggle. I, however, have chosen to remain silent no longer, and have channeled my fear and frustration into advocacy for an issue about which I deeply care.
Senator Brown, allow me to share my story with you, so that you may understand why insurance coverage for IVF is so important. Nine months ago, I began having symptoms wildly atypical for an otherwise healthy 26 year old woman in her childbearing years. My husband and I had no plans for children until a few years from now, once we were more settled financially. Taking the proactive approach about these strange symptoms, I sought out my doctor, who delivered a bombshell of a diagnosis: premature ovarian failure (POF). Formerly known as premature menopause, my reproductive system as essentially shut down, in a process I shouldn't be experiencing for another two decades. At 26 years old, I had lost my ability to be able to have my own children. At 26 years old, I was married for just over a year and had no plans to even start trying to have children for another two to three years, and I was told I would never be able to achieve pregnancy naturally. The only hope of building a family, I was told, as I sat there speechless and shell-shocked in my doctor's office, was to use donor eggs in conjunction with IVF or to pursue adoption.
It has been a wild year as my husband and I have been completely rethinking everything we thought we knew about how we would build a family together. Just days after my diagnosis, my husband was laid off. We moved quickly to transfer insurance coverage through my employer. As we began researching our options further, IVF has appeared more fiscally lucrative to our situation, particularly on one income right now. Dollar for dollar, IVF and domestic adoption cost about the same, in the $30,000 range. What has made IVF particularly attractive is that currently in the state of Massachusetts, that cost is nearly cut in half thanks to the state-mandated infertility coverage regulations.
Every decision my husband and I have made about our careers in the last nine months has been centered on the fact that we need to remain in Massachusetts, because of the very coverage that's in place. Senator Brown, if you propose legislation that would discontinue coverage for IVF, I simply cannot afford to have children, IVF or otherwise. This legislation would take away my ability to a basic human right: the right to build a family. The next best solution for us would be to uproot and move to another state with the next best health care regulations in place (in this case, New Jersey or Connecticut). In this economy, looking for a new job isn't easy, to put it plainly: just ask my husband, who is still unemployed after nearly a year since being laid off. How can this be something you endorse - legislation that denies individuals the right to build families or drives them out of the state to find appropriate coverage?
Senator Brown, I implore you not pursue this change in legislation. As a candidate for the Senate seat left by the late Honorable Ted Kennedy, it seems contrary to the legacy of progressive health care reform and support left in his passing.
In the Boston Globe article you state, "My primary responsibility is to ensure that the people of Massachusetts get the best value for their dollar." How can this be possible when you intend to propose cutting the coverage upon which the people of Massachusetts depend? Perhaps your rationale is that these procedures, like mammograms and minimum maternity stay lengths (as you also intend to propose coverage reductions), aren't relevant to the entire population of the state. Perhaps infertile women and couples, women at risk for breast cancer, and new mothers make up only a small portion of your constituents, despite the fact that 3.2 million women make up 52% of the state’s population. A reduction in these vital services is quite plainly cutting off the nose despite the face.
Senator Brown, I urge you to reconsider your position on health care coverage reduction in the state of Massachusetts, and I encourage you to contact RESOLVE, the National Infertility Association (www.resolve.org) or its regional chapter here in Waltham, RESOLVE of the Bay State (www.resolveofthebaystate.org) for more information about why infertility coverage matters. I also welcome the opportunity to discuss this issue personally with you and your staff.
Senator Brown, I don't want to feel like my chances of having a family are being taken away from me for a second time.
Best,
Miriam
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