IT'S NOT ENDO!

My doc assures me... it's not endo. It's a "transient active cystic structure." My follie threw my whole reproductive system for a surprise, probably created a fluid or blood filled cyst, and then went away, thus explaining all of my symptoms. As my doc put it, it would be near impossible for me to even develop endo at this point in the game.

Thank the fucking stars.

Next up: hormone replacement therapy, or as you many commonly refer to them: birth control pills. That ironically, well, are doing nothing to keep me from getting pregnant.

I'll schedule a follow up at some point with Dr. G for a scrip, but for now, I'm just going to soak up the good news. Other good news: Ari's out of town tonight for a series of interviews at corp HQ. Fingers crossed, I'm hoping he'll have a formal job offer by this time next week.

In diagnostic limbo...

So, my bloodwork from Saturday came back already - everything is pretty much super-low, which is "normal" for someone with POF. Crazy high FSH (62.4), mid-range LH (32.6), estradiol wicked low (20), progesterone (0.1).

But that crazy u/s I had Friday, the one where I suddenly have endo? Yeah, it doesn't appear that Dr. G has gotten the results back yet. And if he has, there's been no email or phone call follow-up. Is the endo a red herring, so to speak? Am I worrying over nothing? Or is this indicative of something much more awful?

The imagination, she is a harsh mistress.

Dear Wanda*

Dear Wanda*,

Thanks for poking that pocket of newly discovered endo today as deeply and as uncomfortably as possible during our 15 minute tryst this morning. (Also- thanks for wearing a condom; we can never take our love for granted in this day and age.) All of the pain that I was having last week that disappeared early this week has now come back with a vengeance, such that Advil barely touches it. Thanks. I feel totally awesome up in my girlie bits right now. We should do this again sometime.

xoxo,
Miriam

*Not her real name.

Cannot catch a break.

First question I ask: "Do I have any endometrial lining?"

Answer: Yes. It's very very thin, but it's there.

Ultrasound tech brings in the doctor. It's Lesley, the lady from last week. SOP: look on the outside, pee, drop trough, insert dildocam, call in the doc. This time, well this time it was different. It was all SOP but then no good pics, then a collective scratching of heads. They bring in Dr. #2. Lots more prodding with the dildocam; it's beginning to get quite uncomfortable. All that pain that had virtually disappeared this week came back (I'm achy as I type this). My ovary is quite small, consistent with POF. But... there's an... anomaly.

Is it an egg? No. Is it a follie? No, but there's a super tiny one still. Is it a cyst? Sort of? Maybe? Place your bets folks, place your bets... What's the weird half-inch thing on my ovary?

If you guessed endo- that's right: endo-fucking-metriosis- come claim your prize.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Dreaming in anger.

Had a dream so real this morning I thought it actually happened, and then was so angry in said dream I woke up with a nasty headache. I wish I had written this down as soon as I got to work as opposed to so late in the day now, as the details are fuzzy. Essentially, it had this very late 70's early 80's feel to it, like the way old photos look. I was at my RE's office, there for a 9am appointment. The receptionist said it was canceled, and no one had called me to let me know it was canceled. I freaked out- like full-on screaming match- and went on and on about how it's already a 45 minute drive to their office and they could have called me before I got there. The receptionist had the nerve to tell me it was a far drive for my doctor too, and that I shouldn't be so selfish. I stormed out of the office. I think the receptionist was played by Elizabeth Mitchell of LOST fame. (My dreams have been peppered by cameo appearences this past week from several LOST stars.)

I have been in a foul, foul funk as of late.

I've got a 2nd u/s Friday morning (7:30am... which means I have to leave by 6:45am to get their by T b/c driving in to the Longwood area is dumb) and more b/w, prolly during lunch tomorrow. The part of me that can't stand being a human lab rat is also the same part of me that doesn't like unanswered questions. If a second u/s and more b/w mean a better picture of the random ovarian pain these past few weeks (which is all but gone now), well, then, let's do it, I suppose.

I look forward to tests and doctor's appts now about as much as I look forward to a bat to the face.

Speaking of b/w, here's the results from last Monday, 2/1:
Estradiol = 24 pg/mL (post-menopausal or mid-follicular peak, depending on context)
Progesterone = 0.3 ng/mL (low, post-meno)
ESR (Erythrocyte Sedimentation Rate - measures inflammation/autoimmune disease things; non-specific test) = 23.0 mm/hr (slightly elevated)
FSH = 61.4 mIU/mL (post-meno ranges)
LH = 42.3 miU/mL (post-meno or mid-cycle peak, depending on context)

Stellar.

Other things... got an iPhone- it rocks, way better than the Windows Mobile POS Samsung Blackjack I was using before; leveled up to 21 in COD: Modern Warfare 2 and unlocked the Bling perk; catching up on No Reservations; thoroughly confused and enthralled by the new season of LOST; hating my job like it's my job and am now actively searching (5 apps out in the last 24 hours); really hoping to somehow have a magical 4-day snowday weekend, but most likely not; thought the second half of the Super Bowl was some pretty incredible football playing and absolutely despised the onslaught of particularly misogynistic ads this year; made mozzarella cheese from scratch last weekend.

And there ya have it. I'm pretty much perpetually angry and frustrated, constantly smiling and knodding at the life in front of me while glancing sideways at any opportunity to get out of or change my present circumstances, job or IF-wise.

I feel like I'm ready to crack.

Let me show you my No Face.

I was hoping to eventually title a post "Let me show my my O face" but sadly, looks like I didn't ovulate. Blood tests and u/s seem to indicate a big fat nothin is happening up in my lady bits. Dr. G put it so nicely in an email to me on Thursday:

"The lab tests look no different from your old ones. In other words that "follicle" is not producing any hormones like a follicle does. It sounds as if it is an inert cyst. That does not explain all your symptoms except for the supposition that the cyst is shrinking and would have been bigger and more active hormonally if we had looked at this earlier. I would suggest we recheck your blood work in a week."

POF, FTW.

Also, what the hell is an inert cyst? Part of me is like, well, let's get the second round of bloodwork and an u/s done. The other part of me is tired of getting some seriously passive aggressive behavior from my boss at work who's getting a little tired of me having near montly trips to the doctor that eat up a half day (b/c of the location of my doc and the places he sends me to for diagnostics, it's all quite scattered far from where I work). I'm also tired of feeling like a fucking lab rat, poked and probed and prodded.

I'm bummed, big time. I'm frustrated, and I'm angry, and I'm tired of holding out false hope. Did I mention that Ari's other really awesome job lead fell through? That would have been amazing but alas, it's not to be. Got that news followed by that email from my doctor within just a few days of each other. (He's still had 1 interview this past week with Company A, another one Monday at Company B, a 2nd interview for Company A on Tuesday, and a formal offer from Company C on Wednesday. I'm excited for this week for him.)

I'm just really angry and tired of all of this. What I thought was excellent news this time last week was once again, just a fleeting anomoly - just light and shadows and nothing of substance to hold onto. I was so excited to have actual TTC babymakin' sex and then I got that email and basically didn't want to be touched. I could be channeling this energy into looking for a donor or finding an adoption agency instead of holding out this false hope that I'm actually going to conceive with my own eggs.

I fucking hate this. I fucking hate that infertility has become my life. I fucking hate that I feel like my life is on hold, when I can so clearly see the end result that I want, but I can't do a goddamned thing b/c something else pops up in front of me, pulling my attentions elsewhere.

I fucking hate waiting... and waiting, and waiting, and waiting- for blood tests, for ovulation, for emails back from my doctor, for finances, for things to just settle the fuck down already... I am stuck in a goddamned existential waiting room, flipping through magazines I don't really care about and tapping my toe impatiently.

I may need to go into hibernation for a bit.

Groundhog Day

If the ultrasound sees a follicle, will there be six more weeks of winter?

One tiny follicle. "Your right ovary looks quite good." This is Lesley, the supervising u/s tech, while Amy, the other tech, presses the dildocam against my already sore ovary.

"There's no cyst?" I ask, worriedly.

"Nope. Just a small follicle." That's Lesley again.

"Have I ovulated?" I ask, increduously.

"Doesn't look like you have yet. But not all follicles release an egg. But there's no cyst." Amy tells me my report will be to Dr. G by tomorrow morning.

I'm not counting chickens- hell, I shouldn't even be counting eggs- but I can't believe how excited and humbled I feel right now. Almost a year ago I was told that adoption and/or DE/IVF were our only hope, and now I just might be ready to ovulate on my own.

I'm left simply in grateful awe right now.

More posts as I get bloodwork results and final u/s reports back.

No answers just yet.

I managed to fail a breast exam today. My doctor's words, not mine. He says I can't be pregnant b/c I "failed my breast exam." I assume that since I had a mildly bemused "that tickles" expression on my face as opposed to clawing at his face while he did my breast exam means I failed. My urine sample also came up BFN... for now.

Lots of bloodwork, measuring lots of hormones. A pelvic exam that revealed I've definitely got something on my right ovary. Doc thinks it might actually be a cyst. I have an ultrasound first thing in the morning to confirm.

I'm fucking amazed. My doc is a little bit too.

For POF, there are two scenarios: 1) My ovary is like a carton full of bad eggs; or 2) My ovary is wearing earmuffs and can't hear my pituitary gland screaming at it to do stuff; or, a combination of the two. My doc thinks I might fall into the second category, and that for whatever, the shit ton of FSH I pumped out managed to find one good receptor that's not being blocked by anti-ovarian antibodies and that maybe, just maybe, it made one good follicle produce an egg this cycle. And the corpus luteum is what's created the cyst that's causing me pain on my right ovary.

Given all of my symptoms and what he felt during my pelvic exam, my doc says he's fairly confident that I've ovulated this month. So, if Ari and I timed it right, this could have worked. I have about a 1 in 3 chance, according to my doc, that we could be pregnant. I'll take those odds over the original 6-8% chance I could ever get pregnant on my own I was originally given.

He's strongly encouraging me to get on birth control for about 6 months, stop abruptly, and then see if I ovulate again. Seeing as how I need to be on HRT anyway, it kind of kills two birds with one stone. I need to see what's up with my blood test results, pap smear, and ultrasound tomorrow, but I think I'll probably wait things out and see if I can get my body to do this naturally again. My doc cautioned that it's as likely I could ovulate next month as much as this could have been my own cycle for 2010. It's a toss up. But, as my doc put it, it's the first good news I've had in almost a year.

So in a weird way, I'm kind of in a 2ww. For the first time in 14 months, I'm waiting for my period.

Weird. And... amazing, encouraging, exciting.... hopeful.

Bingo cards and holding out hope.

A cryptic blog post, yes. Allow me to explain...

Ari got a call from a close friend of ours from grad school about some theatre related things, as these boys love to talk about. Surprise surprise, in the middle of the conversation, we found out they're due in April, first baby for them. We are of course, super excited and wonderfully happy for them. And like all happy announcements, it's only logical that I stand in the shower crying.

You know how it is to be infertile.

It's like a Pavlovian response: pg/birth announcement ding! I'm crying in a corner somewhere. Drives me nuts. Not the announcement, but my reaction. I will of course put on a happy face, b/c, well, I am happy for them. But if I'm at home and reading it on FB or getting a phone call, inevitably, 5 minutes later, I'm a mess for a good 15 minutes and then my mood is killed for the day. Case in point, yesterday.

So why the bingo card? I teased with Ari last night we should make a bingo card of all our coupled friends and stamp them as ppl announce they're pregnant. I have no idea what the prize would be, but that's kind of what it feels like. I'm totally in that mostly married late 20's group where everyone's poppin' out babies. It's both awesome and awful. B/c, I love me some babies. It's that whole leading up to baby where all of the attention is on said couple that's the hard part. That sounds profoundly selfish when I type it, but it is what it is and I own those emotions. It's just that unspoken reminder of failure. Of loss. Of emptiness, barrenness, of holy shit I never knew I could be this jealous a woman-ness.

That random announcement definitely messed with my mood, compounding with some continued bizarre PMS-like weirdness. I've felt PMS-y since mid-January - bloating, cramps coming and going, tender boobs, and being generally crazy emotionally. I noted that my estradiol was elevated somewhat in my last round of blood work, so it seemed natural. But today is day 5 of random and persistent ovarian pain, around my right (and remaining) ovary. At first it just felt like regular cramps, but for the last 4 days it's been hovering in the 3-4 range on a pain scale of 1 to 10, and yesterday moved into the 4-5 range. It is highly likely I've got a cyst.

And that would be fucking AWESOME.

Why? Why would I be happy about a cyst?

B/c it means my ovary tried to pop out an egg! On its own! Nevermind that it got fucked up and might have made a cyst, but it maybe made an egg! This is like a freakin' miracle for a woman with POF.

Worst case scenario: it's a tumor. Why do I jump to that? That's what happened to my left ovary. (In fact, that's how I lost my left ovary.) Other worst case scenario: ectopic pregnancy. Highly unlikely though, given my gradual symptoms, and no other symptoms of early pregnancy. Best case: I'm knocked up. (Ha! Fool's hope.) What's most likely: ovarian cyst of some kind.

Either way, I hope I'll know more by this afternoon- I was able to get an urgent appointment with my GYN today at 2:30. Fingers crossed it's a cyst.

This is me, holding out hope for a cyst.

Women and Falling Fertility: ABC News Article

Women and Falling Fertility: Women Lose 90 Percent of Eggs by Age 30 - ABC News

Saw this lined at Fark.com, of all places. The article is interesting. The comment thread, like any comment thread on Fark, is a disaster. Still, premature ovarian failure is a fairly uncommon diagnosis... but it makes sense why some women, if not born with enough eggs, would run out much faster. Average age of Dx for POF is 27. Go fig.