Dr. G sent over my latest results, with more thoughts on Ari's SA. While the numbers may be borderline, they're ok for IVF, but he wants to boost Ari's count when we eventually go that route. Most likely will involve a modified diet and some vitamins.
Latest thyroid panel: TSH is down from 5.69 to 2.93. T3 and T4 are still mid-range normal. Dr. G wants to up my Levoxyl to 100 mcg. I've felt a noticeable difference since re-upping my dose. We're almost there, but not yet. I'll be so glad when my levels are where they should be.
As for IVF, donor eggs... That's all up in the air. The finances just aren't in place, our current housing arrangements are less than ideal, and really... are we ready to be parents yet? I seem to think I am, but there are moments where I wonder if I'm just blinded by a biological imperative. Ari has a clear timeline in mind, so it looks like it's going to wait for a couple of years yet. It's frustrating, confusing... I'm hanging in, I suppose. I am seriously doubting the viability of even trying to use birth control to stim my ovary anytime in the future. 2 reasons: 1) disappointment. 2) I'd have to complete readjust my thyroid meds again, and lord knows, I am not about to redo the last 7 months of work.
So, we wait.
Until then: get my thyroid in shape, get me in shape.
And wait.
August 25, 2009
Life as of late.
Life has been a bit nuts lately. Ari's mom is now in sheloshim, the 30 day mourning period following Nan's death. Ari had a potential job offer in NH fall through b/c his point person was in a horrific car accident. He's negotiating another offer now, but it's not looking good; he's thinking about freelancing now. It's all uncharted waters, and daunting, at best.
At work I've essentially been given a new job without a title change or pay raise (yet... maybe?). My old responsibilities have been stripped for new ones, including the direct supervision of our largest student staff team, the biggest res hall on campus, and oversight of 9 other RDs and the entire residential programming model for our campus. This is an amazing opportunity; I just wish I had been given more than 48 hours notice. In fact, I'm blogging on my phone during some downtime at our RA retreat.
We are looking forward to the High Holidays. We are *stupid* excited for our trip to Japan in October. I have said the Amidah for 8 days running now. Life has been a blur, really.
I have been breathless, trying to keep up.
At work I've essentially been given a new job without a title change or pay raise (yet... maybe?). My old responsibilities have been stripped for new ones, including the direct supervision of our largest student staff team, the biggest res hall on campus, and oversight of 9 other RDs and the entire residential programming model for our campus. This is an amazing opportunity; I just wish I had been given more than 48 hours notice. In fact, I'm blogging on my phone during some downtime at our RA retreat.
We are looking forward to the High Holidays. We are *stupid* excited for our trip to Japan in October. I have said the Amidah for 8 days running now. Life has been a blur, really.
I have been breathless, trying to keep up.
August 13, 2009
August 12, 2009
Update on Ari's Grandmother
(Follow up to my most recent post.) Still no progress for Ari's grandmother. She ate yesterday- something she's barely done in 2 weeks- but no progress one way or another. She is still generally unresponsive.
Right now, Ari and I are operating in that mode where we're just waiting for the phone call. It is a conflicted place to be in.
Hospice care is simply astonishing to me. I'm the kind of person who wants to make the world right, to get my hands dirty and wade out into deep waters to make change, to heal, to repair. The idea of hospice care is simply to let nature take its own course. Ari and I have read her living will, and this is in fact, her wishes. These were her wishes made several years ago, in fact, while she was still quite lucid and mobile. We may not intervene- all we can do, legally, is stand by.
For ENFP & INFP personalities such as Ari and me, respectively, this course of (in)action is contrary to our personal beliefs and values.
Yesterday I went shopping for a new dress for the inevitable. I felt so shameful doing it, but as Ari explained, when it comes to Jewish funerals, there just isn't time to go out and get new clothes if you don't have them for the funeral. The deceased must be buried as quickly as possible. I felt so awful, like I'm willing this kind of fate upon her and yet, it was a matter of practicality.
FFS, she's not dead yet.
In the end, I didn't buy anything. I have a dress, and Ari just did a ton of dry-cleaning so I have a cardigan to wear as well. If anything, I just need to pick up a pair of new shoes.
What it comes down to is that I'm not standing here, arms folded, tapping my toe in impatience. I'm here waiting, continuing with life as normally as possible. And I pray. I pray a lot. I don't ask for G-d to be quick in His decision. I simply want her to be comfortable, to be happy, to be at peace.
B/c if there's nothing else I can do, I can do this much.
Right now, Ari and I are operating in that mode where we're just waiting for the phone call. It is a conflicted place to be in.
Hospice care is simply astonishing to me. I'm the kind of person who wants to make the world right, to get my hands dirty and wade out into deep waters to make change, to heal, to repair. The idea of hospice care is simply to let nature take its own course. Ari and I have read her living will, and this is in fact, her wishes. These were her wishes made several years ago, in fact, while she was still quite lucid and mobile. We may not intervene- all we can do, legally, is stand by.
For ENFP & INFP personalities such as Ari and me, respectively, this course of (in)action is contrary to our personal beliefs and values.
Yesterday I went shopping for a new dress for the inevitable. I felt so shameful doing it, but as Ari explained, when it comes to Jewish funerals, there just isn't time to go out and get new clothes if you don't have them for the funeral. The deceased must be buried as quickly as possible. I felt so awful, like I'm willing this kind of fate upon her and yet, it was a matter of practicality.
FFS, she's not dead yet.
In the end, I didn't buy anything. I have a dress, and Ari just did a ton of dry-cleaning so I have a cardigan to wear as well. If anything, I just need to pick up a pair of new shoes.
What it comes down to is that I'm not standing here, arms folded, tapping my toe in impatience. I'm here waiting, continuing with life as normally as possible. And I pray. I pray a lot. I don't ask for G-d to be quick in His decision. I simply want her to be comfortable, to be happy, to be at peace.
B/c if there's nothing else I can do, I can do this much.
August 9, 2009
Eikev.
This week's Torah portion, Eikev. A good chunk of Jewish theology can be found in these quick chapters in Deuteronomy: the V'ahavta, the concept of welcoming strangers. The overarching theme is love, from a very parental aspect.
This weekend was supposed to be my last weekend before the shit hit the fan at work as we gear up for the opening of the University. I have several weeks of training ahead of me- long days, lots of time away from home. I was planning to relax, take things slow, but instead we drove 5.5 hours south to spend time with his family.
Ari's grandmother is dying.
I have never witnessed anything like this in my life before, and nothing can prepare you for the gamut of emotions of watching someone literally just slip away in front of your eyes.
As we left her, she was sleeping. The shallow, rapid breathing- a strange punctuation like an ellipses to an inevitable ending. She is in and out of lucidity. She's in hospice care, and only has oxygen at this point. As we left tonight, Ari's parents believe it's a matter of hours really.
My heart is breaking to have to drive back tonight- I have to be in at 8am tomorrow. Of course, barring the course of events over the next week, I'll be on the first plane back home. But for now, we drive back, b/c there's not much else to be done.
This weekend has been filled with symbols and portents of death: playing poker with 4's all over the place, an absolutely awful car accident I passed where I actually saw a body covered with a sheet, an out of place crow at the mall parking lot, cawing ominously.
...
EDIT: Post resumed at 1:16pm, 8/10/09. I have had 2 hours of sleep to my name, and am on my 3rd cup of coffee. I'm jittery, I'm exhausted, I'm miserable, and I'm trying desperately to give a damn about my work. It is a stretch.
Ari's grandmother is still deteriorating. We were all convinced that last night would be it, but by 10pm, there wasn't progress one way or the other, so we made the call to drive back to Boston from NJ. I have been doing a lot of writing in the last 48 hours- scribbled in margins, in spare notebooks, in various Word files. It has been my sole coping mechanism.
Like my blog description says: writing it all out, one day at a time.
Nan has been a grandmother to me, and there is nothing that can prepare you for literally watching a person die. Aside from the onslaught of confrontations with my own sense of mortality, this is fascinating, sad, taxing, and overwhelming.
Ari and I are officially writing off 2009. Aside from our trip to Japan coming up in October, and our awesome vacay in California in January, I am done with 2009.
B/c I really can't take much more.
This weekend was supposed to be my last weekend before the shit hit the fan at work as we gear up for the opening of the University. I have several weeks of training ahead of me- long days, lots of time away from home. I was planning to relax, take things slow, but instead we drove 5.5 hours south to spend time with his family.
Ari's grandmother is dying.
I have never witnessed anything like this in my life before, and nothing can prepare you for the gamut of emotions of watching someone literally just slip away in front of your eyes.
As we left her, she was sleeping. The shallow, rapid breathing- a strange punctuation like an ellipses to an inevitable ending. She is in and out of lucidity. She's in hospice care, and only has oxygen at this point. As we left tonight, Ari's parents believe it's a matter of hours really.
My heart is breaking to have to drive back tonight- I have to be in at 8am tomorrow. Of course, barring the course of events over the next week, I'll be on the first plane back home. But for now, we drive back, b/c there's not much else to be done.
This weekend has been filled with symbols and portents of death: playing poker with 4's all over the place, an absolutely awful car accident I passed where I actually saw a body covered with a sheet, an out of place crow at the mall parking lot, cawing ominously.
...
EDIT: Post resumed at 1:16pm, 8/10/09. I have had 2 hours of sleep to my name, and am on my 3rd cup of coffee. I'm jittery, I'm exhausted, I'm miserable, and I'm trying desperately to give a damn about my work. It is a stretch.
Ari's grandmother is still deteriorating. We were all convinced that last night would be it, but by 10pm, there wasn't progress one way or the other, so we made the call to drive back to Boston from NJ. I have been doing a lot of writing in the last 48 hours- scribbled in margins, in spare notebooks, in various Word files. It has been my sole coping mechanism.
Like my blog description says: writing it all out, one day at a time.
Nan has been a grandmother to me, and there is nothing that can prepare you for literally watching a person die. Aside from the onslaught of confrontations with my own sense of mortality, this is fascinating, sad, taxing, and overwhelming.
Ari and I are officially writing off 2009. Aside from our trip to Japan coming up in October, and our awesome vacay in California in January, I am done with 2009.
B/c I really can't take much more.
August 3, 2009
Today, I'm making myself a promise.
Today I promise to stop peeing on sticks, b/c in this economy and in a single-income household, I simply cannot afford to buy anymore.
I've had persistent nausea and migraines for the last week. I thought *maybe* - maybe baby.
$13 later, maybe not.
When you haven't had a period in 7.5 months (227 days to be exact, but who's counting?) it kind of makes any odd early pg symptom jump out at you, even when you know you have a busted ovary.
Today at lunch, I P'd OAS. I didn't even set a timer. 20 minutes later my husband reminded me- Hey, did I check it? Oh yeah, duh. The single line of doom. Toss it out like every other one. And every POAS I've ever done in my life- including the handful in college- has always been for the same reason: Oh crap. Am I? Did we?
Previous to my diagnosis, one line meant relief. Now, it's an annoying reminder. A minus sign. Me minus a baby. Me, incomplete in some way. Two lines are an equal sign. Two lines equal completion.
Today, I promise to stop peeing on sticks until we're actively trying, which at this point, is so up in the air right now it makes me want to scream. I need to stop overanalyzing myself and my body. I need to stop thinking that my POF will reverse itself, magically, on a whim. And every time it comes up negative, I just get into one helluva foul mood.
Today, I'm giving up believing in chances, in maybes, in what ifs. It's not a matter of giving up hope; it's a matter of fiscal responsibility. It's a matter of survival.
I've had persistent nausea and migraines for the last week. I thought *maybe* - maybe baby.
$13 later, maybe not.
When you haven't had a period in 7.5 months (227 days to be exact, but who's counting?) it kind of makes any odd early pg symptom jump out at you, even when you know you have a busted ovary.
Today at lunch, I P'd OAS. I didn't even set a timer. 20 minutes later my husband reminded me- Hey, did I check it? Oh yeah, duh. The single line of doom. Toss it out like every other one. And every POAS I've ever done in my life- including the handful in college- has always been for the same reason: Oh crap. Am I? Did we?
Previous to my diagnosis, one line meant relief. Now, it's an annoying reminder. A minus sign. Me minus a baby. Me, incomplete in some way. Two lines are an equal sign. Two lines equal completion.
Today, I promise to stop peeing on sticks until we're actively trying, which at this point, is so up in the air right now it makes me want to scream. I need to stop overanalyzing myself and my body. I need to stop thinking that my POF will reverse itself, magically, on a whim. And every time it comes up negative, I just get into one helluva foul mood.
Today, I'm giving up believing in chances, in maybes, in what ifs. It's not a matter of giving up hope; it's a matter of fiscal responsibility. It's a matter of survival.
July 30, 2009
Show & Tell 2: Fish!
It's that time again. Be sure to see what the other kids are showing off this week!
Once again, I have a camping related S&T post. Ari and I went camping on Burton Island, off the VT coast of Lake Champlain this past weekend. We had an amazing time with lots of firsts: first time camping w/o a tent (we slept under a lean-to with just a mosquito net to cover us), first time camping on an island, first time catching fish- then cleaning and eating them! On to the pics.
This is looking out on Lake Champlain. The weather held up for the most part- rain at night, but hot and sunny during the day.
A nice view of the docks at Burton Island.
Our very sacrilicious marshmallow roasting. It rained the first night, and we REALLY wanted campfire marshmallows, so we roasted them over the tea lights we brought as Shabbos candles... and it totally worked.
We caught three fish! From the top: Sunfish (I cast, but Ari reeled in), Smallmouth Bass (I caught), Yellow Perch (Ari caught). We cleaned and ate them and they were delicious. It was important we catch dinner b/c I forgot to pack Saturday night's dinner in the cooler!
A perfect end to our weekend: driving home, we saw a kickass thunderhead form a beautiful rainbow :)
July 29, 2009
Open your mouth and say "Ah-cupunture."
A bit sluggish this morning... had a very cathartic conversation with Ari last night about how generally awful I feel on a daily basis. And not just emotionally awful- I'm able to pick myself up 99% of the time- I mean physically worn out. I have virtually zero stamina or energy lately. I'm concerned that the 88mcg of Levoxyl just aren't cutting it. I'm just desperate to feel like my old self again- I don't really dig this newer, moodier, constantly exhausted version of me.
Monday, I went to a Red Tent Temple that my friend organized. It was nice to connect with other women in all stages of their Goddess paths. It meets close to the new moon each month, and I felt so wonderful and invigorated and inspired. I'm hoping to keep up with this group as a way to a) meet new people and b) mark a sense of cyclical time. I've really missed my period - I can't believe it's the last week in July! I've had no way ot marking my monthly time anymore and it's really thrown me off. The women were so open and supportive and bold and strong and vulnerable... it was a really wonderful night. I even had energy work done on me, which I haven't had done in years and I felt amazing afterward. I also got to share my story of how I'm at where I'm at medically, and it was so cathartic and comforting. Sadly, I can't make the next RTT, but I'm looking forward to September's.
Last night I had my free consultation at an acupuncture clinic. No needles yet- just a medical history and TCM (traditional Chinese medicine) diagnosis via the tongue inspection. That's right- she looked at my tongue and pointed out all these things that were big issues. The crack in the center of my tongue indicates a systemic imbalance. The little lumps along the back of my tongue correlate to PCOS. The scalloped edge (where my tongue basically presses into my teeth) indicate metabolic issues. The veins underneath my tongue were almost black they were so purple, which had to do with my migraines and blood stagnation in my neck and head. I forget what she said about the coating, but it indicated that my problems are rather severe.
They see a ton of infertilty patients, and a large number of folks with Hashimoto's and/or POF. She's recommended 4 initial sessions to get me started, as a way to see a) how fast I respond to treatment and b) if this clinic is a good fit for me. And while I have an insurance discount b/c of our particular carrier, it's still not cheap. (Hello tax deduction.)
I am pretty nervous about the needles. Before I start cooking Chinese herbs at home and pulling out the big guns, I've got an email into my doc about combining Western and Chinese medical approaches to my problems. I know he's receptive to it: at my first appt with him, he had a stack of "Infertility & Acupuncture" brochures on his desk. But apparently, if I get treated for my thyroid via acupuncture, I have to monitor my thyroid levels even more closely so that my dosage isn't too high. Considering I feel like I'm not even taking a thyroid med right now, I don't think that's going to be an issue right away.
I'm just at a point, as I realized last night, that I've really felt betrayed by my doctors over the years. My current guy, Dr. G, is wonderful - no major qualms other than some bedside manner issues. But all the other doctors who barely treated my hypothyroidism, who allowed me to continue taking hormonal birth control despite my known migraine contraindication, who wrote off practically everything I've felt and experienced as stress or clinical depression - when, as I've been reading and researching on my own and becoming my own reproductive healthcare advocate, this is simply not the case. Those crazy 2 years of depression and anxiety that nearly kept me from graduating college? Those mind-numbing, personality-altering years of Lexapro and Wellbutrin? The 40 lbs in 4 years of college, thinking it was all just a part of eating poorly on the campus meal plan? That wasn't stress. That wasn't depression, in the classic sense - it was all mismanaged thyroid, and I probably could have met Hashi's at the pass if I'd caught it early enough.
And the thing that's really been bugging me is when, 2 years ago, I didn't have a period for 7 months while I was on birth control, my PCP (aka, Dr. Skinny Bitch), basically told me a) I'm fat; b) I'm stressed; and c) my body needed more estrogen so here's a higher dose of the pill which I shouldn't have been on in the first place - if I'd stopped the pill and done some of tests I'd had in March, perhaps I could've been in the realm of POI rather than POF. And Dr. Skinny Bitch offered the same diagnosis, minus C, when my period didn't come back when I finally stopped the pill.
Dear Dr. Skinny Bitch: NOW do you see that this isn't fucking stress?? That my obesity is not the fucking cause, but a frustrating result?
...Why yes, that is a lot of pent up anger and resentment you're reading.
So, it's probably a very good thing I'm seeing a therapist who works with IF patients tomorrow night.
Monday, I went to a Red Tent Temple that my friend organized. It was nice to connect with other women in all stages of their Goddess paths. It meets close to the new moon each month, and I felt so wonderful and invigorated and inspired. I'm hoping to keep up with this group as a way to a) meet new people and b) mark a sense of cyclical time. I've really missed my period - I can't believe it's the last week in July! I've had no way ot marking my monthly time anymore and it's really thrown me off. The women were so open and supportive and bold and strong and vulnerable... it was a really wonderful night. I even had energy work done on me, which I haven't had done in years and I felt amazing afterward. I also got to share my story of how I'm at where I'm at medically, and it was so cathartic and comforting. Sadly, I can't make the next RTT, but I'm looking forward to September's.
Last night I had my free consultation at an acupuncture clinic. No needles yet- just a medical history and TCM (traditional Chinese medicine) diagnosis via the tongue inspection. That's right- she looked at my tongue and pointed out all these things that were big issues. The crack in the center of my tongue indicates a systemic imbalance. The little lumps along the back of my tongue correlate to PCOS. The scalloped edge (where my tongue basically presses into my teeth) indicate metabolic issues. The veins underneath my tongue were almost black they were so purple, which had to do with my migraines and blood stagnation in my neck and head. I forget what she said about the coating, but it indicated that my problems are rather severe.
They see a ton of infertilty patients, and a large number of folks with Hashimoto's and/or POF. She's recommended 4 initial sessions to get me started, as a way to see a) how fast I respond to treatment and b) if this clinic is a good fit for me. And while I have an insurance discount b/c of our particular carrier, it's still not cheap. (Hello tax deduction.)
I am pretty nervous about the needles. Before I start cooking Chinese herbs at home and pulling out the big guns, I've got an email into my doc about combining Western and Chinese medical approaches to my problems. I know he's receptive to it: at my first appt with him, he had a stack of "Infertility & Acupuncture" brochures on his desk. But apparently, if I get treated for my thyroid via acupuncture, I have to monitor my thyroid levels even more closely so that my dosage isn't too high. Considering I feel like I'm not even taking a thyroid med right now, I don't think that's going to be an issue right away.
I'm just at a point, as I realized last night, that I've really felt betrayed by my doctors over the years. My current guy, Dr. G, is wonderful - no major qualms other than some bedside manner issues. But all the other doctors who barely treated my hypothyroidism, who allowed me to continue taking hormonal birth control despite my known migraine contraindication, who wrote off practically everything I've felt and experienced as stress or clinical depression - when, as I've been reading and researching on my own and becoming my own reproductive healthcare advocate, this is simply not the case. Those crazy 2 years of depression and anxiety that nearly kept me from graduating college? Those mind-numbing, personality-altering years of Lexapro and Wellbutrin? The 40 lbs in 4 years of college, thinking it was all just a part of eating poorly on the campus meal plan? That wasn't stress. That wasn't depression, in the classic sense - it was all mismanaged thyroid, and I probably could have met Hashi's at the pass if I'd caught it early enough.
And the thing that's really been bugging me is when, 2 years ago, I didn't have a period for 7 months while I was on birth control, my PCP (aka, Dr. Skinny Bitch), basically told me a) I'm fat; b) I'm stressed; and c) my body needed more estrogen so here's a higher dose of the pill which I shouldn't have been on in the first place - if I'd stopped the pill and done some of tests I'd had in March, perhaps I could've been in the realm of POI rather than POF. And Dr. Skinny Bitch offered the same diagnosis, minus C, when my period didn't come back when I finally stopped the pill.
Dear Dr. Skinny Bitch: NOW do you see that this isn't fucking stress?? That my obesity is not the fucking cause, but a frustrating result?
...Why yes, that is a lot of pent up anger and resentment you're reading.
So, it's probably a very good thing I'm seeing a therapist who works with IF patients tomorrow night.
July 21, 2009
It's time for professional help.
And I'm not afraid to admit it.
I have a call in to a fertility counselor my doc recommended whom he knows personally. Dr. G has been great about my care thus far, so I trust his recommendations. I did therapy in college, so I'm well aware of its benefits and I'm way beyond any kind of mental health stigma. Hell, I'd rather talk to someone than have to ever take an antidepressant ever again. (Which, oddly enough, the personal hell that was labeled clinical depression and panic disorders in college might have actually been the result of my hypothyroidism being poorly monitored the whole time.) B/c Miriam + antidepressants =/= Miriam. I am really not the cool, awesome person I normally am with antidepressants. That (combined with a period of reduced finances) is why I quit them cold turkey almost 2 years ago. I know that's a medical no-no, but probably one of the best decisions I've made for myself medically. I feel like a person again.
I've also got an email out for a free acupuncture consultation at one of the leading acupuncture clinics for IF in New England. I met the owner at an arts festival (of all places) this weekend. And she was cool enough to follow up with the email address I left her and send me a list of times she's available to meet this week. While I am generally terrified of acupuncture, I'm willing to give anything a shot at this point. And there's gotta be something to it otherwise ppl would have stopped doing it 3000 years ago. EDIT: Looks like I'm going to see her next Tuesday at 7pm. This should be interesting.
What brings me to my positively foul state of mind recently: disturbing realizations, guilt over good news, and doing some more research into hypothyroidism. I was particularly discouraged by reading more detailed info about thyroid hormones here online, and that the fact I am practically useless in the gym is a direct result of years of poorly managed thyroid disorder. I'm not feeling too great about myself right now- I've fallen off the WW wagon pretty hard (Ari has too), and I know that the old adage of "lose weight with diet and exercise" is next to fucking impossible when you're as hypothyroidic as I am.
The guilt over good news, which I finally broke down and told Ari last night, was that secretly... I hoped his SA would be disastrous, so that all of the IF problems wouldn't be just mine. So that fault doesn't sit squarely on my shoulders. While he totally understands why I would think that and knows that I'm not deliberately harboring ill will toward him; it was a desperation thought process not to feel so goddamned isolated and alone in our marriage. I am still reeling from this whole thing, that I couldn't just accept the good news and be happy.
And the disturbing realization: We have a good chunk of money in savings. A good net, if say, I got laid off (knock wood, b/c that's the last fucking thing we need right now). But we only have just enough right now for either one IVF cycle, or one paltry down payment on a house. And the choice we need to face right now is... do we want a child? Or a home of our own? I am so bitter, angry- no, infuriated- and depressed by this.
This is just not how it was supposed to be, for fuck's sake.
And I'm at a point in my own personal development that I can recognize when it's time to call in the big guns and get some help. B/c I am way too angry and sad this far out from my original diagnosis.
I have a call in to a fertility counselor my doc recommended whom he knows personally. Dr. G has been great about my care thus far, so I trust his recommendations. I did therapy in college, so I'm well aware of its benefits and I'm way beyond any kind of mental health stigma. Hell, I'd rather talk to someone than have to ever take an antidepressant ever again. (Which, oddly enough, the personal hell that was labeled clinical depression and panic disorders in college might have actually been the result of my hypothyroidism being poorly monitored the whole time.) B/c Miriam + antidepressants =/= Miriam. I am really not the cool, awesome person I normally am with antidepressants. That (combined with a period of reduced finances) is why I quit them cold turkey almost 2 years ago. I know that's a medical no-no, but probably one of the best decisions I've made for myself medically. I feel like a person again.
I've also got an email out for a free acupuncture consultation at one of the leading acupuncture clinics for IF in New England. I met the owner at an arts festival (of all places) this weekend. And she was cool enough to follow up with the email address I left her and send me a list of times she's available to meet this week. While I am generally terrified of acupuncture, I'm willing to give anything a shot at this point. And there's gotta be something to it otherwise ppl would have stopped doing it 3000 years ago. EDIT: Looks like I'm going to see her next Tuesday at 7pm. This should be interesting.
What brings me to my positively foul state of mind recently: disturbing realizations, guilt over good news, and doing some more research into hypothyroidism. I was particularly discouraged by reading more detailed info about thyroid hormones here online, and that the fact I am practically useless in the gym is a direct result of years of poorly managed thyroid disorder. I'm not feeling too great about myself right now- I've fallen off the WW wagon pretty hard (Ari has too), and I know that the old adage of "lose weight with diet and exercise" is next to fucking impossible when you're as hypothyroidic as I am.
The guilt over good news, which I finally broke down and told Ari last night, was that secretly... I hoped his SA would be disastrous, so that all of the IF problems wouldn't be just mine. So that fault doesn't sit squarely on my shoulders. While he totally understands why I would think that and knows that I'm not deliberately harboring ill will toward him; it was a desperation thought process not to feel so goddamned isolated and alone in our marriage. I am still reeling from this whole thing, that I couldn't just accept the good news and be happy.
And the disturbing realization: We have a good chunk of money in savings. A good net, if say, I got laid off (knock wood, b/c that's the last fucking thing we need right now). But we only have just enough right now for either one IVF cycle, or one paltry down payment on a house. And the choice we need to face right now is... do we want a child? Or a home of our own? I am so bitter, angry- no, infuriated- and depressed by this.
This is just not how it was supposed to be, for fuck's sake.
And I'm at a point in my own personal development that I can recognize when it's time to call in the big guns and get some help. B/c I am way too angry and sad this far out from my original diagnosis.
July 19, 2009
Results are in.
Our Dr called us from his home yesterday. Everything has come in as normal. Low end of normal (21 million), but normal enough. Motility was a bit low, but isn't a big deal if/when we go IVF since a lab will inject sperm directly into the egg. Our dr's only concern is that if I had no IF issues of my own, we might run into trouble trying to conceive naturally. I wonder if the birth control stim experiment then, is worth it. But for now, we celebrate, b/c we're going to take our victories where we can get them. This news has also done wonders for Ari's mood lately, so I certainly count this as good news.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)