The LOST Finale & Infertility

How can I NOT talk about it? Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Locke, Sayid, Hurley, Desmond, Jin and Sun, hell, even Ben - they've been like family for the last six years. I'll say it now: spoilers abound, so if you haven't seen the finale yet, stop reading now. You've had your warning.

Why on earth would I talk about LOST here though, besides being a totally obsessed fan? Well, the commentary on fertility, life, death, and rebirth has always been a recurring element in the show. Ss someone who is now infertile and learning of this after half the show had aired - well, it's added an interesting element to my viewing. LOST definitely has had some Mommy issues. Women who conceive on the island die. Claire's baby Aaron has to be raised by Kate when Claire cannot escape the island. Jacob, the Man in Black, and Allison Janney as the most terrifying OB/GYN ever as we learn their backstory: birth and fertility have always been woven throughout the show.

EDIT:
...So I cheated and wrote those first three paragraphs a week ago in preparation for ICLW. I have now finished watching the finale, and since this is first I've been able to stop crying hysterically since the credits rolled, I'll try and write something cohesive. All infertility connections aside, this was a beautiful, moving, well-crafted ending to a moving, beautiful, well-crafted story. I'm still sitting here, stunned and a bit haunted by the final scenes.

Did I mention spoilers abound? Seriously, stop reading right now if you haven't seen it.

When Juliet appeared (which I knew was coming when Elizabeth Mitchell's credit popped up in the opening and I may have squee-ed a bit) and performed Sun's ultrasound, I think that was the first time I started crying in the episode. Jin and Sun suddenly remember their island past, and it was just so powerful. Of course, as someone who may never even get to experience this kind of ultrasound, well, it hit home. Same thing for Claire's birth scene in Sideways world, as Kate remembers her island past as she helps to deliver Aaron (again).

In the last half hour of the finale, Kate convinces Claire to leave the island with them. Claire refuses to leave, saying, "This island's made me crazy, I can't be a mother to Aaron like this. I don't even know how to be a mother!"

Kate responds: "No one does, Claire- at least not at first. You're not alone."

Larry chuckled at my abundance of tears, thinking this was all just my reaction to the show, but again, like so many other scenes related to birth and fertility in this show, these words rang deeply within me. Through tears, I explained this to Larry, whose face softened and said, "That's sweet, then honey. It's good to know you're not alone."

Cue: more tears.

While I'm still trying to process the relative ambiguity of the final scene in the church, I'm still left with some of the greater concepts that the show left us with: family (however we define that), faith, love. The underlying message is of course is that what matters most is our experiences, our connections with one another, and the lives we build and craft for us. Like my existential musings last week, it felt like LOST was really speaking directly to my philosophical ponderings.

It's rare that I connect with a show like I have with LOST. Battlestar Galactica was a close second, but I never watched it while it aired. I ended up watching the whole show over 2 months on DVD (and I'm sorry, their finale BOMBED in terms of writing and closure compared to LOST). I think part of it was because that yes, the fertility elements of did resonate so strongly for me that it made the character experience that more human, that more real for me.

This post is a bit rambly since I'm still processing the last two and a half hours I just watched, but I wonder: are their shows or movies that have resonated strongly or differently for you given your journeys in infertility? What are they? How have they impacted you?

Thought for Food

I mentioned my husband and I have begun seeing a nutritionist. Hooray! It's another opportunity to invent a pseudonym! So, I'm going to calling her Dr. Organic. She's not a doctor, but she's wicked smart, and I like the way the name sounds.

So. Dr. Organic is a foodie like us! She gets it when we enjoy tasting, eating, and cooking. She understands that we live in such a great restaurant city how could we not go out all the time? She understands that food isn't just sustenance: it's a sensual, emotional experience. She appreciates our love of cheese, local foods, and gourmet experimentation in the kitchen. She appreciates the value of shallots. That says a lot to me.

In our first appointment with her, we realized what our biggest problem was: our eating habits and schedule were so chaotic. Our bigger problem? We never go grocery shopping. I come home from work, we play the "What's for dinner game?" and in our laziness either go out or order in because it's easier than going to the store, getting all the ingredients, coming home, and cooking. And we weren't making good choices about the places we'd go out to eat.

Dr. Organic's suggestion was so simple: plan your meals for the week. We spent a session just planning out what we'd eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner each day. We made a grocery list. We went shopping at the start of that week. It felt revolutionary to Larry and I, but it was the easiest solution staring us in the face the whole time.

By planning breakfasts, it reminded me there was food in the fridge or fruit in the bowl that needed to get eaten or it would go to waste. Our other problem was not eating breakfast. I never put it together, but when you have dinner at 8pm, go to bed at midnight, and don't eat again until noon, you're going almost 15 hours without eating. Your body goes into feast or famine mode, so it holds onto EVERYTHING in an effort to compensate for the fact that your body thinks it's not going to eat again, so it better start storing up all that fat. Who knew? So now I eat breakfast. It started small: a cup of yogurt here, a piece of fruit there. Now Dr. Organic is pushing us to have a little bit of something from each food group: maybe yogurt with berries and granola, or a quiche cup that we make in batches and freeze until we're ready to eat them. We've learned to make use of our freezer, to cook in advance, and adjust when our moods change and we suddenly don't feel like Tacos on Tuesday. (But I mean, how could you not, it's Taco Tuesday?!)

All this planning has helped bring a sense of structure to our somewhat chaotic schedules. We don't homecook every night; we plan nights and meals out, but we're putting so much more thought into what we eat. We're learning to compromise. If I had some cookies after lunch, do I really need dessert after dinner? If I'm ordering noodles at my favorite Japanese place, do I need the sushi or can I just get the sashimi? I really just want the fish, so why have all that extra rice with my noodles?

Larry and I don't do diets. And Dr. Organic doesn't weigh us, doesn't make us count calories. She's helping to create a lifestyle change, a cultural shift in our culinary pursuits. She's challenging us to engage our minds, not just our tastebuds. And we're losing weight- nothing dramatic, but it's happening at a natural pace in step with our lifestyle changes.

And change is delicious.

Welcome to May's ICLW!

Hi there! If you're new to the blog, feel free to poke around and check things out. Lots of info about me, this blog, and my interests are scattered all about. The About Keiko and Important Posts are good places to start. Also, make sure to check out the other folks participating in this month's ICLW.

Briefly: Hi! I'm Keiko. *waves* Welcome to my blog. And yes, that's my real name and face everywhere. No more hiding. I'm infertile, big whoop internet. Moving on... :)

I'm Jewish, I'm half-Japanese, I'm a video gamer, blogger, scrapbooker, wine snob and I freakin' love food, I'm seeing a nutrionist with my husband b/c we love food a bit too much, I've got POF and Hashi's, and we're decided to adopt in lieu of pursuing ART. While it's hella more expensive, I'm a huge chicken when it comes to medical stuff and I've been through a lot in the last year, so I'm just not up to more needles and doctor's visits. We hope to get the ball rolling on finding an agency within the next 3-4 months from now.

I'm just a month away from being a first-time Auntie and I can't wait to meet my neice. She's the first grandchild in my family, and she is going to have the best Mom and Dad ever, my sister "Otter" and my BIL "Thor."

I participate in this awesome thing called The Red Tent Temple Movement. I go to the Salem, MA chapter the first Monday after every new moon with a good friend of mine, "Honeybee." It is restorative, empowering, beautiful, and helps me to maintain my sense of womanly cycles since I don't get them anymore.

I made an award-winning short film last month chronicling my experience with infertility (click the What If? Video link above or to the right for more info) that has completely shaped and changed what I want to be when I grow up. Currently, I work in higher education. I've been living in a student residence hall for 3+ years now, and I'm kind of done living in a dorm. I've discovered that health advocacy is my true calling, as I've learned since making this video and seeing its impact. I'm at the right point to transition out of my current career field and into another. I'm currently looking for health advocacy opportunities in the Boston Metro area for an immediate start. Got any leads? Shoot me an email (on the Facebook badge on my right sidebar).

Also in the spirit of advocacy, I'm creating a network of Massachusetts-based infertility bloggers. Do you live in Massachusetts and blog about infertility? I'd love to get to know you. Check out this post for more info on how you can join!

Other things... I turn 28 on Tuesday, May 25th. I'm feeling a lot better about my approaching birthday this year than I did last year. That's saying a lot, because I don't normally get all excited for my birthday. This year? This year we're going to The Melting Pot. I've never been, and boy howdy - do I love me some cheese.

Last month, I made Iron Commenter. This month, I'm turning the tables: 7 days = 7 posts. I'm going to try and post every single day for the entire week, so stop back each day to see what's new!

Welcome and thanks for stopping by. If you feel so inclined, feel free to follow this blog*, follow me on Twitter, or friend me on Facebook. I'm looking forward to meeting and connecting with new folks to my blog! *If I hit 200 followers to this blog before the end of ICLW, I think I'll have to throw my first giveaway, so spread the word!

Happy Commenting & Happy ICLW!

And the Oscar goes to...

Okay, so I might be exaggerating just a tad. I didn't win an Oscar. But I did take the top prize in Wellsphere's This Is Me video contest!

I recut my video with a different intro title and stripped the audio and submitted it to this video contest a couple of weeks ago. #ProjectIF and the This Is Me contest just happened to align perfectly. As the top winner, I've won a Flip Mino HD camera and $100 will be donated towards RESOLVE. But the biggest prize?

Greater exposure to this vital health issue that is infertility.

Check out Wellsphere's YouTube channel to see all 85 submissions. There are some really great videos about some very important health issues on there.

*adjusts her director's hat*

I'm already plotting the films I can make with my new camera... Advocacy films, short documentaries, PSAs... I'm just going to keep riding this wave and keep on makin' waves in the process!

Calling All Bay State IF Bloggers!

Do you live in Massachusetts?

Are you living with infertility or have struggled with infertility in the past?

Do you blog?

I am looking for you!

I'm working to create a network of Massachusetts-based infertility bloggers. We are extraordinarily lucky to live in a state with comprehensive mandated IF coverage, and while we lead the nation in terms of what's mandated, it's not perfect. This is where I'm hoping that our collective voices can help make important changes to the current mandate parameters regarding infertility.

If you are a Massachusetts-based infertility blogger, please take a moment to fill out this form. I'm in the data-gathering process right now. The information will be sent directly to me and shared with no one else at this point. In the future, I'd like to be able to share this network with RESOLVE of the Bay State, the media, and legislators. You can opt out of sharing any or all of your information on the linked form. I know IF is one of those rather personal things you might not want out there: I know not everyone is in a position to be as "out" as I am, and I totally respect that.

Please feel free to tweet this, repost this to your own blogs, Facebook, or message boards. The more places I can get this post out there, the greater the chances of building up this network!

I'm a Person With Passion!

I am honored to be featured today as a Person With Passion at Lisa Marsh's blog, Your Great Life. Lisa and I have been in touch since NIAW and she inspired me to write a post about Transforming from Patient to Advocate for her blog.

Lisa is a Circle+Bloom Fertility Coach, based out of the UK. Stop by her website to find out more about her work and to see how she can help you in your journeys. Lisa has a lot of great posts on her blog, so do peruse her page! You can follow her on Twitter @yourgreatlife.

Decisions and Definitions

I've been rather existential this week, from contemplating motherhood to ruminating on the value and purpose of human existence. I tend to get a little introspective in the weeks leading up to my birthday. I have never been a fan of my birthday. It's always overshadowed by Memorial Day here in the States, so trying to do any kind of getaway for my birthday is a wash. Peak season prices go into effect. Everyone is on the road. No one wants to come to parties because they've made plans for the holiday weekend.

This year, my birthday is on the same day of the week I was born: Tuesday, May 25. I'm excited by that, rather than the birthday itself. I like patterns and repetition.

But I digress.

In this time of redefining myself, I was drawn to an article in January's issue of Wired magazine. There was a brilliant statement about a woman who, with a significantly increased risk of both ovarian and breast cancers, chose to have both a complete hystorectomy/oopherectomy as well as a double mastectomy. A mother of two, she endured these radically preventative measures as the result of thoroughly weighing her options. She utilized the process of a decision tree, something which the Wired article goes into more depth. The statement that stood out for me the most:

For Smieja, the decision was traumatic to navigate. But ultimately it came down to her desire to reduce her risk through all available means. That meant waiting a few months to wean her baby, then having the procedures. “I’m done with that decision,” she says. “This is what I need to do. I need to be around for my kids. I am not my ovaries. I am not my breasts.”

In a truly physical way, Smieja redefines herself. An inspiration, a pause for reflection. A moment to simply appreciate.

What does your decision tree look like in your infertility journey?

Eggs-istentially Speaking

"Do you find your Judaism is influenced by existentialism?"

My mind was racing to remember the definition of existentialism. I had a vague idea, so I blurted out: "Probably. I've always had grand ideas about life, death, God, and human existence."

. . .

This is an excerpt of just one of many interesting conversations I've had in the last two weeks since my video went live. I was speaking with Dr. Lawrence Nelson, Principle Investigator on premature ovarian insufficiency with the National Institutes of Health. For a brief update on where this is going: he'd like to bring me on board with his POI Recovery Team, a group of endocrinologists, pyschologists, nutritionists, and spirtual advisors for women who are coping with POI. My video intrigued him, and we got into a very deep conversation about how I've managed to not only cope so well with my diagnosis, but in such a short time compared to other women with the diagnosis. He brought up this idea of existentialism, so I decided to refresh my memory on the subject.

The simplest definition I found was on a Jack London glossary page. Existentialism is "the belief that one shapes one's basic nature through the direction of life one chooses to live." Our suffering is a result of not being able to create meaning in our lives. The wikipedia article on existentialism provides a good summary as well, going into concepts such as Despair, Angst, Freedom, and Authenticity, all results of our struggle to define and create meaning.

You know, I've never thought of it this way so concretely, but I suppose I am an existentialist Jew. And in a lot of ways, the two complement each other. Judaism is so focused on the marking of time, of creating significance through life cycle events and daily ritual. As Jews, we are taught to craft meaning and our relationship to G-d through these ritual acts. How is that not existential?

. . .

But back to my witty post title.

I've been thinking about existentialism in the context of my infertility. I'm redefining myself, mother, family, etc. I'm crafting new meaning in my life. I'm carving out a path for myself, and while I'm not entirely sure where it's going, I'm confident in the value and fulfillment it will bring.

There are lots of times that I step back and look at my life from a distance, seeing from where I've come and at where I am now. I'm only 2 years away from turning 30, but there are moments when I feel like I've blinked and suddenly I'm about to turn 28, and other moments, like all of 2009, that felt like an eternity. This weekend was both my sister's baby shower and Mother's Day- talk about timing! (Also- both were amazing. The closeness I feel for my mom, my sister, my mom-in-law... it's overwhelming, as is their love and support for Larry and me.) And it was another one of those moments of reflection, of crafting meaning. And today, when I read about the heartbreaking passing of a member of the ALI community- Vee's husband Alex (link goes to a beautiful tribute by Gil, a good friend of their's)- and thinking of my own paranoid terror surrounding death... well, it makes you think. It makes you think that life is effing short, and you've got to make the most of it, right? Carpe diem and all that?

I realized it's about crafting that meaning and fulfillment. I've been saying that the Universe has been talking to me, and it's time I listen. I've decided I'm fully in a job search now for something in the health advocacy sector, and that it's time to leave higher ed. With virtually no direct experience but highly transferrable skills, this is not going to be easy. I've realized this is what I'm meant to do, and I'm only meant to do it because I made that meaning. Not the Universe or G-d. Just me. I think those Outside Influences helped guide me to my conclusion rather than handing me the answer.

I am reminded of another part of my conversation with Dr. Nelson last week. We were talking about Rachel, who in the Bible, was Jacob's most beloved wife and yet she could bear no children. She wept and prayed and fought with her sister and handmaids vying for favor in Jacobs eyes as they each bore him many children. Finally, her prayers were answered and she conceived and bore Joseph and then later Benjamin, Jacob's youngest son. But her prayer came at a price, and she died in childbirth with Benjamin. Infertility and maternal mortality, the two ends, two extremes of the spectrum, bookends, as Dr. Nelson put it, on the experience of human reproduction. The reminder that for beginnings there are endings. In life: death.

And all the rest in between is what we make of it.

A heavy post indeed this week, but I wanted to wrap my brain around some of these bigger thoughts brewing in my head for the last week.

Moms in Six Words

Grown in My Heart presents their Mother's Day Adoption Carnival - The project is simple. In honor of Mother's Day, post a picture of your Mom(s) (however you define it) and write a six-word memoir about her/them. For more info and to see the other blogs in the carnival, check out the link above. I don't want to say much else other than to let these pictures and words speak for themselves.

I love you, Mom. Happy Mother's Day.

In her eyes, I'm always beautiful.

"In-law" has never applied.

Sister, worry not: you'll be amazing.

Make This Mother's Day Me Day

I've been getting such beautiful comments about redefining motherhood for Mother's Day this year. Alex writes that motherhood is "the wanting to take care of someone. It's the desire, more than the ability." This year, she's in limbo in the 2ww during Mother's Day. It's a unique place to be in; go visit her and wish her luck! Kakunaa considers herself "a mother...maybe not to my own children, but I am the mother of my friends, to my furbabies, and in my heart." And Sonja puts it so simply and eloquenly when she says "mothering is a state of mind." She says further: "It might not be the definition of the term "mother" that I grew up with, but you know what? This works for me now." Kudos to those of you who are board with redefining motherhood this year!

I'm fortunately in that don't have the same Mother's Day blues as many other women. I'm blessed and thankful that my mom and mom-in-law are both living and well. And since we were never actively trying, it's not like I'm missing out on something, as though this holiday is leaving me out. For others, they become the afterthought at Mother's Day gatherings, the room oohing and ahhing over the moms and then stopping at The Infertile One and going "Oh, right, well have a lovely day too dearie!" Danya shares how painful the experience can be:

Like many other woman I dread Mother's Day. But mostly because I dread other people's pity. I'm always someone's "afterthought" on this day. Especially at church. Everyones running around exchanging flowers and gifts with cries of a "happy" Mother's Day until they notice me, get "that look" on their face and go, "Oh yeah, ahem, Happy Mother's Day to you too, Danya! Cuz you'll be a mother someday too! So you can celebrate too! Ummmmmm.... Oh! Here's an extra flower! You can have one too!" Gee thanks. I've always wanted an afterthought Mother's Day flower drenched in your pity.

Danya's right. We shouldn't be afterthoughts on Mother's Day, or any day for that matter. And too many times in our IF journeys, we become our own afterthoughts: we'll hold of that vacation because we need to save the money for this cycle. I don't need to buy new clothes in case this cycle works. I'll put off using that gift card I got for XYZ holiday/event/birthday because I don't need to go shopping now. A fascinating NYT article from December of 2009 reports on a psychological phenomenon known as pleasure procrastination. We do it all the time, letting gift cards expire before ever cashing them in, never visiting local tourism like museums, monuments, and parks because we kind of take them for granted. In think in the IF community, we are always putting our pleasures, our joys, hell, our lives- on hold.

Here's the thing: when we pamper ourselves, do even just one little something for ourselves that makes us feel good, we feed our bodies some delicious feel good brain chemicals. I'm no scientist, I have no idea what they are, but I'm going to say comfortably that this happens. (Why yes, I do have a PhD in Making Up Scientific Facts as Needed. How ever did you guess?!)

So this Mother's Day, if everyone is celebrating around you, without you, despite you: I say, celebrate yourself! In fact, let's change the name. It's now Mother's Me Day. This is a day to do for you. If you have to go to that family function, do it. But get your hair done, paint your nails, buy that pair of strappy sandals you've been eyeing and arrive in style. Do for yourself and make yourself feel good!

And Mother's Me Day is the perfect excuse to go out and splurge a little on some home spa products, or jewelry, or clothes, or books - hell, even a new computer! (I might be speaking from personal experience. Let's just say, there's been a major party shift in the Zoll household and I friggin love my new laptop.) There are TONS of sales geared toward the mommy demographic that are just as applicable to the IF demographic. We read books. We wear clothes. We like perfume and gift certificates and spa packages. All you have to do is replace Mother's with Me and bam: it's a week of sales just for you! Look, I know it's a crap economy, but sometimes, you just gotta splurge once in a while and celebrate yourself. Sometimes even just a couple hours of retail therapy can do wonders.

But like the NYT article mentions, we wait for special occasions to celebrate ourselves, and that we need to let that notion go. Case in point: last week, Larry really wanted cake for dessert. Not cupcakes, not pastries: straight up "frosted all over made in store looks like something you'd take to a potluck or dinner party" cake. And you know what? We bought the cake. We invited a bunch of friends over to help us eat said cake because yanno, we didn't want to be total fatties eating the whole thing ourselves. Did we wait for a special occasion? Nope! We said, "we're having cake because a) we want it b) we're awesome and c) we don't need a reason." You might say we... had our cake... and ate it too... I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself.

This Mother's Me Day, celebrate yourself. You deserve it, you're worth it, and if you're going to wait around for someone to do it for you, you'll have wasted a perfect opportunity to indulge yourself.

Everyone's situation is different, so when I shop it out, others might need something a little more substantial. Be sure to check out these great articles for coping and surviving Mother's Day and Father's Day.

• Coping with Mother's Day & Father's Day (RESOLVE.org)
• Making the Best of Mother's Day and Father's Day (RESOLVE of New England)
• Empty arms on Mother's Day (American Fertility Association Blog)
• Help For When Mother's Day Isn't Happy (BlogHer.com)
• How to Support an Infertile Friend on Mother's Day (surprisingly compassionate article at eHow)

What other things do you do or will you do differently this year to make it through Mother's Day?

Redefining Motherhood on Mother's Day

Mother. [ˈmə-thər] Noun. Etymology: Middle English moder, from Old English mōdor; akin to Old High German muoter mother, Latin mater, Greek mētēr, Sanskrit mātṛ. Date: before 12th century 1 a : a female parent b (1) : a woman in authority; specifically : the superior of a religious community of women (2) : an old or elderly woman 2 : source, origin 3 : maternal tenderness or affection Merriam Webster Dictionary Online, 2010.

This is our working definition of mother, the one we just know, the one we've known from birth when we looked up into that sweet loving face smiling down at us. No matter who raised us, we looked up to her: we called her Mother. For some, Mother was never a figure in our lives. She might be a memory, a photograph, or a story told to us by others. But always, always this connection to somewhere or someone: Mother.

In my video, I posed the question: what if I redefine what it means to be woman, mother, family? Even in my blog header, I proclaim that I'm redefining womanhood. I no longer define my womanhood by my fertility. While pregnancy is an experience for which I mourn and sometimes long, it is no longer a defining experience of womanhood to me. I've resolved to let my experiences and my history define me.

This Mother's Day, I want to redefine motherhood. So how do we redefine motherhood? I may not be able to compete with Webster's dictionary, but I can certainly do my best to work on a cultural shift.

Motherhood isn't just an act of procreation. My uterus may not have borne children, but it shall bear ideas, voices, action. Motherhood is an act of love, of selfless love at that. Motherhood is an act of sacrifice: whether it's the pain of labor and delivery to the sheer act of giving a part of our heart to another. And that's different from the giving of our hearts to our lifelong companions. Motherhood is sacrificing that bit of ourselves, that bit of our hearts, for another. It is more than just loving affection. Motherhood is about fighting and dying for those we love, the primal lioness who protects her cubs.

And our cubs: they may be borne of us or another. They may yet be born in our hearts. They may indeed be furry friends. They may in fact, be our friends.

This week, as we approach Mother's Day on Sunday, I want to write and explore this idea more, this idea of what it means to be a mother. I know this is a very hard time of the year for many of us. I'm hoping this week as I tease this all out more, that we find strength together, that we channel our fears and worries and dread of this holiday into something positive, into action and renewal.

How do you define Motherhood?

What IF? Video Production Notes

On this last day of National Infertility Awareness Week, I look back over the week and see such tremendous growth. For me personally, I'm looking back on this week as probably one of the turning points in my life. My followers, both of this blog and on Twitter, have substantially increased. My direct traffic has climbed steadily each day. But more importantly, I have met some of the most amazing, brave, passionate people online. I always thought the ALI community was such a small corner of the internet, but I have been proven otherwise this week. I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has spread this out there. I am humbled and deeply grateful.

At the time of writing, my video has reached exactly 5,500 views. Every time it's embedded in a blog post and played there, or watched directly at the Vimeo link, it records that as a view. I have submitted it to CNN iReport, where, at the time of writing, it has received 208 views. It's still not yet been vetted by CNN, but whatever, it doesn't matter. The whole point of all of this was to raise awareness. I didn't create this video because I'm looking for my 15 minutes of fame or any money. I created this video because I'm simply sick and tired of 7.3 million people not being able to speak out for themselves about a very real and very painful disease, both physically and emotionally.

I wanted to share my production notes about actually making this film. It's funny- I've never made a "film" before. I mean, I've shot video, yes, but never put together anything like this before. I just used our camera, a Panasonic Lumix DMC-LX3. For editing, I just used the latest version of iMovie on my husband's Mac. Our camera was particularly helpful since it shot HD and also had unlimited burst mode, so shooting a series of still frames depicting movement was cake. (Even though it ATE UP the battery fast.)

The original idea was to get a variety of women's voices reading a bunch of these questions, profiling a day in the life of a woman, as if these were thoughts in her head. I then realized that I didn't feel like recruiting voiceovers for this, so I thought of just recording myself. Then it morphed into subtitles, and eventually, stop-motion signs. I drew a rough storyboard on Wednesday night. Thursday morning I wrote the script. The entire film was shot over the course of about 10 hours that Saturday. I started bright and early, filming in sequence all of the interior shots in our apartment. Writing all of these questions word by word was... time consuming, at best. I filmed the entire interior sequences in a span of about 4 hours. The most frustrating to film were the shots where the words appeared in the picture frames; I had to shoot, take apart the frame, write the word, reassemble the frame, shoot, lather rinse repeat.

For the exterior work, Larry and I headed to Boston Common. These shots were filmed out of order to make use of available daylight. What I thought was going to be the most challenging sequence: a woman walking across the shot pushing a stroller- was actually quite easy to get. Near the playground, I just walked up to a woman and asked if she wanted to be in my video. She said yes, the rest was history. To thank her for her participation, I gave her a $5 Dunkin' Donuts gift card. We did two takes, and I used the first take.

While filming, particularly the white board scenes and the chalk on the sidewalk scene, we got a lot of curious looks from passersby, but only one couple actually stopped to ask us what we were doing. Lots of stares, raised eyebrows, and half-smiles.

The music was kind of an accidental find. I was leaning toward a Bach cello suite at first, and then possibly a track from the LOST soundtrack (Rose and Bernard theme, for those of you who are curious). I was just listening to MUSE when I was like, this song is perfect. The lyrics even fit with the theme of the video, another happy accident. If you liked the song, please buy it on  - for only $1.29, it's a steal :)

I had a lot of fun making this. After we finished our shots on the Common, we went out to dinner with some friends for some tasty sushi. After I put the video online, I got a message from one of my friends saying she was amazed I was so perky at dinner afterwards despite filming such a heavy subject all day. The truth is, it was just energizing and motivating. I've been riding the energy all week.

I am still absolutely in awe of the reception it has received and is continuing to receive. (15 more views in the 15 minutes I've been writing.) I would love for this to get picked up by the media. But more importantly, this experience has got me rethinking about myself, my goals, and perhaps what I'm meant to do in this world. Perhaps health advocacy is my calling, and #ProjectIF was my catalyst.

Speaking of #ProjectIF: you have until 11:59pmEST tonight to submit your entry. Go do it already! :) I'm going to spend this weekend catching up on the 150+ entries so far (uh oh, this is going to feel like ICLW Iron Commenter all over again) this weekend, and I encourage you to do the same.

Click here expand/collapse the full list of questions in my video.

What IF we raise awareness about infertility?

What IF I never fill this scrapbook page?

What IF I never see two lines?

What IF infertility has robbed me of my sexiness and I'm never "in the mood" again?

What IF we finally save enough money for our one IVF cycle and it fails?

What IF we can't afford to adopt?

What IF I can't counter the thought we had to "buy" a baby?

What IF I see another pregnancy announcement or ultrasound photo on Facebook today?

What IF we have to learn to live childfree... with a smile?

What IF he leaves me for a fertile woman?

What IF I never let go of the resentment and jealousy of the women who got to do this naturally?

What IF I lose myself along the way?

What IF I stop defining myself by my infertility?

What IF I stop hiding behind my fears? My doubts? My grief?

What IF I redefine what it means to be woman? Mother? Family?

What IF I let go of the doubt, the fear, the worry, the self-judgments for one day? One week? For the rest of my life?

What IF I became an advocate for infertility research and treatment?

What IF every state passed a law requiring insurance companies to cover infertility treatments?

What IF I lived in the moment rather than in an uncertain future?

What IF my story can help just one person? Hundreds? Millions?

Click here to expand/collapse the lyrics of the song in my video.

MUSE: Exogenesis Symphony Part III - Redemption: Let's start over again / Why can't we start it over again / Just let us start it over again / And we'll be good / This time we'll get it, get it right / It's our last chance to forgive ourselves

ICLW May Be Over, But NIAW is in Full Swing!

I did it. 170 blogs (3 went down since the list went up). 170 comments in 7 days. I made my first Iron Commenter! I have found so many new blogs to follow- check my right sidebar to who I've added. I've found a ton of adoption blogs- check out my left sidebar just to see all the adoption bloggers I'm following. But most of all, I've met and made connections with so many people. The experience of making these connections is just amazing. Iron Commenter is indeed not for the faint of heart, but it is worth it, so worth it.

Like the post title says, ICLW may be over at midnight tonight, but that doesn't mean the comments have to stop. This has definitely kicked my butt into being a better active partipant in the ALI blogosphere. The sheer value in the connections I've made will only last if I keep up my end: reading, commenting, sharing stories.

Just because ICLW is over doesn't mean that NIAW is even close to being done! There's a lot happening on Capitol Hill right now. Melissa Ford of Stirrup Queens has posted her remarks she gave this morning at the infertility briefing on the Hill. They are powerful and inspiring. They remind me of why it is that I'm out and outspoken about my IF: because we need the government to act! She's there today with the executive leadership of RESOLVE. I hope they're making waves.

What else can you do to raise awareness? You can tweet about it, Facebook it, blog about it... make sure you Stumbleupon and Kirtsy and Digg and Reddit your links too! You can be out and outspoken about your infertility. Like Iron Commenter, it's not for the faint of heart, but damn if it doesn't feel good. "But what IF I'm too nervous about outing myself?" you ask? Well, here, let me do it for you. Use me as your stand-in, and share my What IF? A Portrait of Infertility video. Just spread it with words like "Because 1 in 8 is someone you know. This video is about a very important cause." And then leave it at that. *wipes hands* See? Infertility activism and advocacy is easy.

Other ways to raise awareness? Check out all of the blogs participating in #ProjectIF. Retweet @resolveorg or follow them on Twitter. Use hashtag #infertility in your tweets. Link to other bloggers on your blog, or even better yet- on your Facebook.

There's still 4 days left, including today, to raise awareness for National Infertility Awareness Week. Take just a few minutes each day and keep the awareness going!

What IF?

I was so inspired by so many of the questions raised in the Phase One of #ProjectIF that I couldn't pick just one to respond to. I saw this as a collective lamentation laid bare for the world to see. So many of these questions have flittered through and lingered in my brain at one point or another in our journey that I simply had to include them all. My hope is that this video captures the "everydayness" that is coping with infertility. So, here is my response to #Project IF. More about my thoughts on #ProjectIF below the video.




What IF we can become a positive force for change?


What IF? from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

What IF I can't pick myself back up after each setback?
I have seen the gamut of human experience and emotion this week. I've been going for Iron Commenter for ICLW, my first time trying it. I've read so much already - for every small victory: Aunt Flo still hasn't shown up, a successful transfer, social workers secured- there are just as many crushing setbacks: empty yolk sacs, canceled IUIs, no matured blasts, the birthmother backed out. I've read and commented on just over half of this month's participating blogs so far, and the sheer variety and depth of experiences is humbling, overwhelming, and at times, comforting. When you find someone, an otherwise stranger to you, who is going through nearly the same experiences, positive or otherwise, there is instant kinship between you and she, somewhere in the mix of wires and signals and binary code. In this mess of electronic tangles, we find connection.

If there's one thing I've learned so far in this year of coping, crying, laughing, and learning, it's that the road through infertility is indeed a bumpy one, and sometimes we diverge so far off course we hardly even recognize where we are anymore or from where we've come. All we know is that we are weary from the journey.

My hope in making this video was to answer this question above, to inspire those struggling with any aspect of IF to find the strength to press on, to find peace, to remain inspired and to remind them to be true to themselves.

What IF I got rid of the anonymity and put a real name and a real face to a story of IF?
Like most ventures on the internet, I got scared of putting my real name out there, much less my face. I hid behind my Hebrew name because it was convenient, and I think because in many ways, I was still ashamed, angry, and bitter at my diagnosis. Over this past year, I have grown and learned so much. I wouldn't say I've healed completely, but I've let go of a lot of baggage and realized that I can only move forward with my life if I allow myself to do so. I have found and met amazing people on the internet and in real life who understand this struggle. And I realized that legislators don't care about internet pseudonyms. They care about constituents with names, verifiable addresses, and most of all, votes.

So, allow me to introduce myself, dear readers:

Hi. I'm Keiko Zoll. *waves* Yes, my Hebrew name is Miriam. (I'm still the same old Miriam, but you can call me Keiko. I wasn't kidding when I said I was half-Japanese.) Yes, I'm 27 years old and yes, I live in Boston, MA. I still love food, travel, camping, scrapbooking, and playing a ridiculous amount of Modern Warfare 2. 

I live and cope with my infertility every single day, but I refuse to let it bring me down.

I'm taking this a step further. As I mentioned in my post about National Infertility Awareness Week, I posed a challenge to folks reading this blog to out themselves out of the IF closet on Facebook, Twitter, their blogs- wherever. Not only am I doing this myself tomorrow via my FB status message, but I'm sharing this video on my Facebook profile and Twitter accounts too.

What IF my video can help erase some of the stigma surrounding infertility, and give a voice to  millions who may be otherwise silent?

-----

For more information about infertility, please visit RESOLVE's Infertility Overview page.

Click here for more info about National Infertility Awareness Week 2010.

Click here for the complete What IF list.

Click here to see who else is participating in #ProjectIF.
-----

UPDATE: Read how this video has been received and my advocacy efforts two months later.

From Words to Voices to Faces: Researching Adoption

We've got lots of questions about adoption. The internet, the blogs, the two books we're reading- they've got answers. For Ari and I, it's getting a little overwhelming, not going to lie. Unfortunately, we can't really move forward yet until two things are figured out: 1) my job and 2) our housing. My job and housing come as a package deal, and there's some rather vague, amorphous changes happening to my job this summer that may or may not leave us with housing. *uncomfortable laugh* ha ha ha ha... I'm hoping I get some answers soon because if they do yank my housing (in lieu of a higher salary and better position title), um, we need to find a place to live.

Right, so anywho. Back to adoption. We're reading books, trolling teh intarwebs, readin' the blogs, and boy howdy, it's a lot. So we've got two things up at the pass for us to hopefully make digesting this whole adoption thing a little bit easier. At 4pm today, I'm participating in the Adoption Info Teleseminar via RESOLVE, as part of their free teleseminars this week for National Infertility Awareness Week. (Sidebar: RESOVLE's got a brand-spankin-new website and it looks AWESOME.) And on June 12, we're going to an Adoption Conference sponsored by RESOLVE of the Bay State, our local chapter. We've been to their Annual Conference, so we expect the same high caliber, in-depth material. We're really looking forward to it. I hope to blog here about my experience with the teleseminar tonight or tomorrow morning.

Other updates...

- Still pressing on with my #ProjectIF entry. No details on what I'm doing yet, but man oh man I can't wait to post it when I'm finished.
- As a result, ICLW Iron Commenter status has stalled a little bit. Trying to pick up some comment time when I can today.
- Am really proud of the healthy choices I made while out to dinner last night. I had yakisoba with veggies, suzuki sashimi (sea bass) instead of nigiri b/c I didn't want the rice since I was having noodles, and daifuku (mochi with ice cream) instead of the giant bowl of fried ice cream. Also, Boston's Chinatown is one cool place.

Gotta run... lots of work on #ProjectIF today. Are you participating?

Why you shouldn't play pranks on your husband.

...because head injuries may abound.

So Ari desperately needed to clean out his car last night, and I agreed to help him. (PS- he's also rocking out to his new job. He is *loving* it and they are *loving* him.) He was parked in the lot behind our building, and I suggested he back up to an empty spot beneath the light so we could see what we were doing. So Ari's backing up, and I'm standing at the back of the spot, refusing to move, b/c I know of course, my husband isn't going to back up into me.

...and then my little mischievous streak kicks in.

So he revs his engine for me to get out of the way, and I take small step back. When he's 99% finished backing up, I slap the back of his trunk to make it sound like he nicked me and I pretend to fall over. (Let me just say, we've both got weird senses of humor. This kind of stuff is totally normal for us.) Except, I wasn't looking when I pretended to fall backward, and smacked my head on the light pole behind the spot... hard. Like "saw stars, tasted metal in my mouth, staggered around in blinding pain for a full 30 seconds before being able to respond" hard. A big lump starts forming, and I'm apologizing profusely for trying to play such a cruel prank on him anyway. And he's all, "Are you ok? You'll be fine. See what happens when you mess around like that?"

We start cleaning out his trunk, and I'm starting to get a headache. And then, randomly, I think about Natasha Richardson, and how she randomly died after feeling fine after her head injury from her skiing accident. I start sobbing:

"Should I go to the hospital? I hit my head pretty hard and I'm getting a headache and there's a lump and I don't want to end up like Natasha Richardson who was fine but then she wasn't because she hit her head and then she just died and it was so sad because Liam Neeson couldn't be there because he was shooting a movie and I don't want to die like Natasha Richardson!"

Ari assured me I'm fine, and promised to call his mom (she's a nurse). After some consoling on the phone, I finally just took some Tylenol, but was petrified to go to bed because yes, I was still scared of dying in my sleep from an untreated head injury. I couldn't fight the Tylenol much more and finally fell asleep. I had some seriously weird dreams last night, too. Well, obviously I'm fine b/c I'm writing this post, but boy howdy have I learned my prank playing lesson* - all I've got to show for it is a bruised ego and a big bump on my head.

*...lesson learned for now, that is ;) I live to prank another day!

Who wants a ticket on the Thyroid Rollercoaster?

Stand in awe of my Mad MS Paint Skillz. You love 'em. Also, I'm pretty sure that roller coaster car is actually a hotdog with mustard and ketchup.

So I had my regular thyroid monitoring appointment this morning. Dr. G. seems to have forgotten the "I'm not your doctor" fiasco of early March, and we talked things like estrogen, swollen feet, and nausea. With topics like these, oh how I wish this could be an OB visit, but it was just GYN/RE. The swollen feet debacle last week was definitely a result of my body not only getting estrogen for the first time in over a year, but from a sudden drop in thyroid hormone (TH). PS- here's a handy thyroid function primer. The estrogen in the birth control binds to the proteins in my thyroid hormone, so hypothyroidic folks can double their current thyroid medication just to maintain the right level of hormones in their body while on the pill. It's pretty amazing stuff how intricately our bodies are designed to work.

So my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) has nearly tripled since my last visit in January. Higher TSH means my thyroid is functioning less. It's functioning less b/c it's not receiving enough TH, b/c the birth control is eating all of it. We're bumping up my dosage to 137mcg and I'll be back again in 8 weeks. If my feet start swelling again, cut the birth control for a couple of days.

Pretty standard stuff, and since I'm not pursuing ART, I don't need to work with him on protocols and IVF stuff. The rest, from here on out, is just maintanance. He wants to watch my adrenal function (anti-thyroid antibodies with POF almost always spell anti-adrenal antibodies) every other year or so. My hope is that once I find the right balance of TH with my birth control, I'll probably stop seeing Dr. G. I'm actually hoping to transfer my PCP to another doctor in the practice, one that's a) closer to where we live instead of schlepping a half hour to Wellesley for a 20 minute appointment and b) specialized in autoimmune thyroid and adrenal dysfunction.

Hashi's has nearly beaten me, but for the first time in over a year, I feel like I'm winning the war.

Other medical news: Ari and I have begun seeing a nutrionist. And they're not Diet Nazis! In fact, they don't even weigh you. We don't keep food journals. It's down-to-earth food and nutrition counseling with someone who appreciates food like we do. Our second appointment was last night, and while pounds are necessarily falling off of us, we're making real, positive steps to lifestyle changes.

A text I sent to Ari today: I'm fit as a fiddle and feelin' fine. Feelin' fine indeed. Edit: I forgot to add - this isn't sarcastic at all. I'm actually feeling the best I have in almost a year; I'm tired a lot, but I've got my mental acuity back, as the Hashi's had all but robbed me of when I was in a constant haze of brain fog. I'm also knee-deep in working on my entry for #ProjectIF. I'm hoping to post it next week. It's... involved. I'll just leave it at that. Still working on Iron Commenter status... happy commenting this week for ICLW!

Welcome to April's ICLW!

Hi there! If you're stopping by from ICLW, welcome and thanks for visiting. I think most of my pages and tags should be good places to get started to know a little bit more about this blog, but here's the quick and dirty reader's digest version with links to relevant blog posts to get you up to speed:

• Hi! I'm Miriam Keiko. The hubs is Ari Larry. We are so totally in love it's kind of ridiculous; we're high school sweethearts of 10+ years, only married for the last 2.5. We're Jewish, we love food, we love to travel. Oh, and we really want to be parents.
• I've got one ovary, and it's way busted (premature ovarian failure). My thyroid is also pretty busted (Hashimoto's thyroiditis). Our options, as I was told a year ago, is IVF with DE or adoption.
• Current treatments: birth control pills as hormone replacement therapy. I'm currently having my first "period" in over a year. I use the term loosely since it's really just withdrawal bleeding from skipping a couple of days of the pill. Also, I'm on Levoxyl for my thyroid. I've got a regular thyroid monitoring appointment on Thursday.
• After much ruminating, we've decided to pursue adoption! Like, literally finalized this decision a couple of weeks ago. We're still in the info gathering stages and have lots of questions. I'm definitely on the hunt for other adoption bloggers to follow.
• Next week is National Infertility Awareness Week. It's a cause near and dear to my heart.

I look forward to discovering new blogs and meeting new bloggers this week. I'm also going for Iron Commenter status, and working on What IF: Part Two, so I'm hoping to get in at least 2 posts this week, but it might be rough. Want to know more? Leave me a comment or shoot me at email (miriamshope AT gmail).

Happy commenting this week!

EDIT: In light of posting my What IF? video, I've put our real names up here and changed my "About Me" page.

National Infertility Awareness Week 2010

This Saturday kicks off RESOLVE's National Infertility Awareness Week. Last year, I was ballsy and decided to post about it on my Facebook page. My status: 1 out of every 8 couples is coping with infertility... and I'm one of them. Learn more about National Infertility Awareness Week. I had three friends: a former coworker's wife, and two friends from middle and high school message me on Facebook to tell me they were going through infertility too, and how grateful they were for posting that as my status. I had waffled on posting it- it was up for a few hours, then I deleted it. In the hours it was down was when I received those messages, so I put it back up.

This year, I plan to post it with pride. Not because I'm proud that I'm infertile, but that I'm proud to advocate for an important healthcare issue. And because if my story can help just one other person, then that's all that matters.

I posit a challenge to each of you: out yourself this week. Share your story, your pain, your fears, your hopes. Lay it out there for your family, your friends- better yet, your state and federal representatives. Be it Facebook, Twitter - maybe even an e-card: put it out there. Give a face to infertility. Give a face to infertility advocacy.

This year, become a voice for action.

A sea of questions about adoption.

It's Patriot's Day here in Massachusetts, quite possibly my favorite random statewide holiday (aka, freebie day off). Happy start of the American Revolution! It's also the running of the Boston Marathon. I can totally see a relevant metaphor between marathons and adoption, but seeing as I know next to nothing about running culture, I'll just let that metaphor pass me by...

Anywho, we've dived deep into adoption literature and websites, talking more with our families this weekend. Ari needed an eye checkup (his father is an eye doctor), so we spent the weekend with our families; I had the chance to do some serious baby shower shopping for my sister. Our parents are so excited for us. It's wonderful to have their support, and I feel constantly blessed with the amount of support we have in our lives. And I wasn't a blubbering mess picking out shower decorations- in fact, I am freakin' PUMPED to be an aunt in just a couple of months. I think now that since we're solid on our decision to adopt, so much of the uncertainty and doubt about having kids has been washed away. I've moved from pain to excitement.

You may have noticed the large new column of adoption-themed blogs to the left. Thanks to everyone and their suggestions in my last post: I found so many great resources and stories out there. With this influx of information, Ari and I are trying to stay afloat, treading uncertain and overwhelming waters. We have so many questions. Just when we think we have an answer... more questions! It's a lot to digest at once. We've been doing so much of our own soul searching, asking questions of each other and having conversations we never thought we'd have.

Here's just a small snippet of what's running through our heads:

• Race. Wow, this has been an amazing, confusing, refreshing conversation at any given point. It gets interesting because I'm half-Japanese, half-Irish(ish), so I have perhaps a more open attitude toward race. At the end of the day, our preferences are our business, but it's a mind-blowing conversation to be having just the same.
• Religion. Not knocking any Christian organizations out there, but there's a TON of support for Christian couples... haven't seen so much for Jewish couples. Obviously, we'd need to disclose our religion and in what faith our adopted child would be raised. I worry that this is actually going to limit the kind of reception we'll get from birthparents. 
• Cost. Sweet jiminy crickets. Since IF treatment is mandated in Massachusetts, the cost of treating our infertility was a lot more doable than the cost of coping with childlessness (an important distinction). Thankfully, Ari's new job is allowing us to save for the first time in a year, but we still have a lot more to go. I've been researching grants, and sadly, neither of our employers provide any adoption assistance benefits. I've also been toying with the idea of setting up an Etsy shop for some of my crafts, and of course, monetizing this blog. Our parents have also volunteered to help... I wonder is it tacky to ask our friends and family fundraiser-style? Is a PayPal "Donate Here" button on this blog too far? This arena of etiquette is completely foreign to me.
• How open? "Open" adoption can mean a lot of things. Are we a "Come over for lunch on Tuesdays" kind of family or pictures every birthday or are we just "please let us know about any medical issues as they arise for you and your family" when it comes to openness? How open is too open? How will this limit our chances to be picked by birthparents?
• Blogging. Don't worry, I'm not planning on closing this blog any time soon, but as I've browsed other adoption blogs, there are pictures of the adoptive couple, full names, contact information, detailed personal profiles with sidebar badges like "Considering adoption? Consider us!" I wonder if I'm ready to do that when the time comes, or perhaps I just create a separate blog entirely. Do I really want to share all of this with our future agency, birthparents, or even future child? I also wonder if a sidebar request like that isn't also in violation of Massachusetts law (no private advertising may be done by the couple, as independent adoptions are illegal in the state). 
• Stuff. Um, do adoptive parents get baby showers? Do we need to buy a crib before we have a home study? How does one- better yet, WHEN does one get the future child all the stuff they need?
• Cost. Did I mention we're still scrambling to figure out how we're going to afford this?

We're trying not to get too overwhelmed, but all these questions just keep coming. I'm hoping to tread water just long enough to get us to the RESOLVE of the Bay State's Adoption Conference in June. Until then, anyone have some answers or thoughts to our questions?

Calling All Adoption Bloggers!

Ari and I just keep getting more and more excited the more we think about adopting. In fact, we're downright giddy. We are also c l u e l e s s. Right now we're reading the two books below- Ari's reading the first one, I'm reading the second one. We'll swap when we're done.

I'm enjoying the Idiot's Guide; it's a great overview. But I am always desperate for more material. I've been trolling the Adoption Blogroll over at Stirrup Queens, but I'm looking to connect with other bloggers who are in the initial, pre-home study stages of their adoption process or at the very least, those who have not yet been matched or finalized.

So I'm putting the call out there, because I trust this community more than I trust Google:

What adoption blogs should I be reading and following?

Also what websites, books, videos, YouTube channels, etc. should I be looking out for?

Which resources should I stay away from?

Thank you in advance, oh wonderful and resourceful and connected ALI community!

#ProjectIF

I've had the button up on the right since my site redesign, but I wanted to make sure I blasted this out as a post, too. Mel over at Stirrup Queens is collaborating with RESOLVE for a truly unique online event in conjunction with National Infertility Awareness Week, April 24 - May 1, 2010.

Phase One of the project is currently live on her site. Click the button to the right to be taken there for all the details. Essentially, leave a comment to Mel's blog post asking the question "What IF..." and then fill in the rest from there, relating it to infertility. Mel will select 10 "What IF" questions to be used in Phase Two of the project. Phase Two will begin next week, which is currently a mystery... I'm excited to find out what the next phase is.

I gotta warn you: reading through the 300+ comments and even more What IF questions already posted, it is extremely humbling and moving. Tissues are a must.

This is a pretty amazing project to be a part of, so spread the word, via your blog or Twitter, with hashtag term #ProjectIF. There's still two days left to join in on Phase One, so if you haven't submitted your What IF's yet, get 'em in now!

A long lost relative returns...

Aunt Flo, it's been a year and a half. Well, specifically it's been 1 year, 3 months, and 16 days since you last came to visit. Yesterday was CD470. I guess I'm at CD1 again. Not that it really matters now, but I kind of forgot what you look like. In fact, going to the bathroom this evening, I thought something was horribly amiss in my pants and then had that slow, dawning realization, a giant cartoon lightbulb slowly appearing over my head.

I'm assuming this is normal. True, it's not a "real" period per se, as this is just withdrawal bleeding from the birth control. I'm wondering if this in fact, full on AF or just spotting. I'm going to place a call into my Dr tomorrow just to be sure. I also need to follow up with some scary stuff last week - I had swollen feet so bad I could hardly walk. I stopped taking the birth control for three days and in 24 hours, my feet were fine. I started taking them again a couple of nights ago, and everything seems to be fine. I'm thinking that my stopping for a couple of days, especially during the 4th week of pills, has triggered my yoot into this crazy AF action.

Just a day after the new moon, the first new moon of spring - it seems fitting. Either way, in a weird way... I'm glad to see her. I've missed her these past 471 days.

The Big Decision: Building Our Family

I call it the "Tofu Baby Revelation." As you may remember, I had a really bizarre dream last week about my sweet dream baby turning into a block of burning tofu on the stove. Freud, eat your heart out. While it's not exactly Moses and the burning bush, after a few days of stewing it over I think I got it (with a little help from WiseGuy)...

Nursing the baby and having liquid gold instead of breastmilk represents a Golden Ideal, all I could have hoped for and more. The block of tofu could represent a lot of things. In Freemasonry (my husband's a Mason) a carved block of stone represents moral perfection (as opposed to a rough, uncut rock).  In Taoism, perhaps the tofu is representative of the Uncarved Block- the potential for creation, discovery, growth. I walked away with this interpretation: in my dream, the tofu was *still* my baby, but obviously in a very different form. The distress and grief upon realizing this transformation was not only warranted, but vital. Essentially, Ari and I will have our baby- just not in any way that we could have ever imagined, and mourning that change was necessary. 

In the days following this dream, as I rolled around interpretations in my head, my decision just hit me- it was like I just knew this was the path we would take all along. I say my decision because Ari was on board for anything, and it's been up to me for about the last 4 months.

Over the past week, I've been becoming more and more comfortable with the idea of how we plan to build our family. We've teased it out to our families and one friend: everyone is supportive and excited for us.  And in reaching this decision, I feel like a HUGE weight has lifted off my shoulders. For once in this crazy journey, things feel like they're in focus and with clarity comes relief and excitement.

Oh, but I am being coy, aren't I? ^_^

So... we've decided we're going to adopt!

*happy dance*

This is not at all how I would have imagined building a family. And I'm okay with that; this past year has been highly instrospective and I'm at a place of peace when it comes to grieving my infertility. From darkness, light: from despair- hope, commitment, action.

Like any family planning decision, especially one frought with the context of IF, there are a lot of reasons why we've chosen adoption. As much as I'd desperately like to experience pregnancy and childbirth, I've come to terms with this fact that I've got the deck stacked against me. While donor egg/IVF could potentially be successful, my Hashimoto's puts me at greater risk for miscarriage. Ari raised an excellent point, even as far back as the RESOLVE Conference we went to in November: could I really survive the mental trauma of a loss after interfility treatments?  Survive yes, but I could be irrevocably damaged in some way. I'm not saying this is the standard, I'm just saying in my experience with my own mental health, I don't think I could cope well with a loss.

And honestly? After the hormonal roller coaster I have been on for the last year, and literally seeing a balanced thryoid issue just resting on the horizon- I just don't know if I'm up for the hormonal challenge that is DE/IVF cycling. It scares me, it intimidates me, and I just don't feel connected to the idea of it anymore. Adoption is by no means any easier- but there's a whole medical element that is removed from the situation with which I am infinitely more comfortable. That being said, for those of you who are planning to or have cycled using ART: I am humbled by your courage and grace.

Adoption is for us, a guarantee. Yes, we'll have to wait. Yes, we've heard some of the horror stories. But at the end of the day, we get to come home with a child. DE/IVF was just too much of a financial and emotional gamble for us. Ari and I are poker players. Since we haven't put any money into the pot, we're not pot committed, so it's okay if we fold our hand on ART. Adoption has always been our ace in the hole. Adopting a child is also really attractive to us in that we get to help someone out. We get to add such a unique dynamic to our family story.

We still have TONS of details to figure out. Like, yanno... how the heck we actually do this!  We also need to sort out a timeline and start looking into financial planning. I think we'll probably start the ball rolling by next year, if not early 2011. Everytime I think about it, I get excited; I get this big grin to myself. Talking about it with Ari just gets me more excited.

I never once in my dreams imagined I'd adopt. And now the idea is the most exciting notion to me- I cannot wait for the adventure ahead of us.

Full disclosure to my readers.

I am simply buzzing with things to write about lately: big things are happening for Ari and I and here at this blog. We've made some concrete decisions about family planning, and I've been doing lots of rearranging and coding and redecorating around the old blog. I'll save the big family planning news for its own post. For now, I want to fully disclose some pretty big changes here at Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed.

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Disclosure Policy
(version valid from June 6, 2011)

1. The blog Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed is a personal blog written and edited by me, Keiko Zoll. This blog accepts forms of cash advertising, sponsorship, paid insertions or other forms of compensation.
2. This blog abides by word of mouth marketing standards. We believe in honesty of relationship, opinion and identity. The compensation received may influence the advertising content, topics or posts made in this blog. That content, advertising space or post will be clearly identified as paid or sponsored content.
3. The owner of this blog is compensated to provide opinion on products, services, websites and various other topics. Even though the owner of this blog receives compensation for her posts or advertisements, she always give her honest opinions, findings, beliefs, or experiences on those topics or products.
4. The views and opinions expressed on this blog are purely the bloggers' own. Any product claim, statistic, quote or other representation about a product or service should be verified with the manufacturer, provider or party in question.
5. The owner of this blog would like to disclose the following existing relationships. (These are companies, organizations or individuals that may have a significant impact on the content of this blog.) I serve on the following 501(3)(c) non-profit boards: RESOLVE of New England. I am an Amazon Affiliate and earn a referral fee for any books or other items linked on my site purchased through Amazon.com. I participate in affiliate marketing programs with the following companies/products: Circle+Bloom, Natural Fertility Breakthrough, Attain Fertility.

To get your own policy, go to http://www.disclosurepolicy.org

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Basically, I don't want there to be any doubts about what I'm doing here on this blog and who I'm working with. At the end of the day, I love writing, I love being an advocate and resource, and I'm passionate about sharing my experiences with the "Internet with a capital I" - but if I'm going to start pumping a little more effort into this blog, I need to make sure I'm getting a little something back too. I hope you'll continue to read and follow- a lot of this is just some cosmetic changes, but the content and vision of this blog remain the same.

Stay tuned for big news re: decisions on what's next with regard to building our family! Ari and I have been just brimming with excitement to blast the news here, but it's almost 3:30am, and I'm in no state to craft something of quality just yet.

Baubo, The Belly Laugh, and Spring Awakenings

It's been officially spring for a couple of weeks and I've been loving this warm weather across much of MA this week. It's been nearly three years since Ari and I moved to Boston, and these New England winters have made me appreciate the first signs of spring that much more so. I've been doing a lot of reading and a lot of thinking lately... I've felt as though I'm poised on the edge of decision-making with regards to family building, and I think I'm just about there. In these last couple of days of Passover, I've also been drawn closer to my faith. It's a holy season for everyone, really. Whether it's the pull of faith or perhaps the buzzing of the birds and the bees this time of year, there is certainly this feeling of energy, this vibrational hum pulsing just beneath the surface of things. Perhaps it's merely our skin delighting in all that sunshine, turning light into some much needed vitamin D.

I just finished Ellen Frankel's The Five Books of Miriam. This is a must-read for any Jewish woman (just short of Anita Diamant's The Red Tent- in fact, I call that required reading for every woman, Jewish or otherwise). It bills itself as a woman's commentary on the Torah. With it's highly conversational structure not unlike you might find in the margins of Torah midrashim, it is both feminist and traditional, forging new patterns of thought and interpretation while contextualizing the Torah into a feminist modernity from the lenses of our daughters, mothers, bubbes, and the women prophets and stars of the Bible itself. It is an incredibly empowering read for any Jewish woman coping with infertility, as it speaks so beautifully and painfully honest from the perspectives of so many barren Matriarchs.

In this rather empowered mindset, as I tap into that spring hum that seems to be buzzing all around me, I am reminded of a story that my dear friend Honeybee shared at one of the Red Tent Temples from a few months back. It's the legend of Baubo, a little known tale in the greater story of Demetre and her daughter Persephone's dark descent into Hades.

Demetre, the Greek goddess of the harvest and fertility of the soil, had a daughter, Persephone, who was wickedly abducted by Hades, the Lord of the Underworld. He tricks Persephone into eating the seeds of a pomegranate, and by consuming any food or drink while in the Underworld, she has sealed her fate for eternity: she may never leave. Demetre is understandably distraught, in fact, so much so, her grief plunges her into a dark, cold despair. She retreats from the World: the earth cannot bear crops, the land stricken with barrenness as she grieves the loss of her precious Persephone.

So much of Demetre's pain resonates within the ALI community.

Enter Baubo: descriptions vary from a woman with voluminous skirts to a talking vulva. Baubo sits in front of Demetre and lifts her skirts before her, telling raucous, bawdy jokes, inspiring a fountain of joy in the form of the deepest belly laugh, from our solar plexus and radiating outward. Baubo is the only one who ends Demetre's grieving, whose tears dry and face contorts into laughter. Through her bawdy jokes and brazen presentation, Baubo encourages Demetre to return to the World and to once again bear fertile fields. Baubo gives Demetre the courage to recover, to move on, to find joy and laughter in life again. And with that, the World awakens from the darkest Winter into the first Spring.

What can we in the ALI community learn from the legend of Baubo?

That after darkness, after pain, after loss: there is joy again. That we must encourage ourselves to laugh fully and completely, to laugh from the bottoms of our bellies, and by laughing we truly live in the moment. Even in our journeys to parenthood frought with worries, needles, tests, inconsiderate remarks and daily reminders of our struggles: there is still laughter to be found- there will always be a Spring to follow the Winter.

I have been feeling my own Spring Awakening as our path to family building comes into focus, and I wanted to share this energy, this inspiration: to laugh, to give ourselves permission to laugh, to feel joy, and to live in the moment. Here are some places I'd like to point folks in their IF journey, to take a moment to pause and laugh a deep belly laugh with Baubo herself:

Infertile Naomi is finding 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility. In addition to her blog, she has a Facebook page of the same name. Always hilarious, painfully honest - she is worth a read when you need to laugh at the absurdity of IF.

In the same vein as Infertile Naomi's blog, there's the YouTube video "Aunt Jane Knows More Than My RE."

WiseGuy over at Woman Anyone? is now on CD2 after "Agendy Fugnimimi" showed up. Always an interesting read, WiseGuy has a myriad of names she calls our dear Aunt Flo. Her post reminded me of a site I stumbled upon with a list of international phrases for good ol' AF - I make no vouchers if these are in fact true colloquialisms, but they are hilarious just the same.

And I always recommend People of Walmart when you need to feel better about yourself. Ok, so maybe it's not exactly politically correct to laugh at others' expense to feel better about yourself, but at least click over and check out the hilarity. Other photo blogs good for a laugh: This is Why You're Fat, LATFH (nsfw), Awkward Family Photos, Cake Wrecks, and Lamebook (occasionally nsfw). Honorable mention, for all you LOST fans: Never Seen Lost, a blog recapping each episode of Season 6 by someone who's never watched a second of the show prior to this season.

The moral of today's post: take a moment to pause and laugh, to laugh so hard and so deep from within your belly and womb that your tears are out of joy, of being fully in the moment. Let Spring awaken within each of you.

"At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities." 

~ Jean Houston