RESOLVE Advocacy Day 2011 in Washington DC Recap

RESOLVE volunteers in front of the Capitol Building.

From left: Lee, Kara, Theresa, and me.

I never thought advocating for infertility awareness could be so empowering, but RESOLVE's Advocacy Day was just incredible. I advocate all the time on this blog; I write letters to my legislators all the time. But to actually walk around Independence and Constitution Avenues in the heart of Washington DC, to walk into Senator John Kerry's and Senator Scott Brown's offices - I've never felt so humbled or proud to be an American. I've never felt so honored or privileged to take advantage of my rights as a voting citizen in this country. And I've never been prouder of the infertility community.

The day started with an opening training meeting where close to 100 volunteers representing 18 states gathered. I was thrilled to see folks from Night of Hope again, including Lee Rubin Collins and Risa Levine, winners of the Hope Award for Advocacy. Lee was in the Massachusetts delegation with me and two other volunteers, Theresa and Kara. Barb Collura, the Executive Director of RESOLVE, opened the day with introductory remarks. I was totally not expecting for her to recognize me for the whole PETA counter-campaign, but I won't lie: it felt good to stand up and be recognized for that. Then Risa came out to deliver our keynote address... it was simply beautiful, powerful, and so inspiring. Risa has kindly sent me a copy of her remarks and allowed me to republish them online, so here is just a brief excerpt:

Wherever you are in this process, I know how hard it is for you to be here. How hard it is for you to identify with this disease that has stripped you of your identity. How hard it is to say "I am infertile".

I want you to think about all of the diseases you've experienced personally or through friends and family. I want you to think about how you or others have been affected by those diseases but how your infertility has redefined how you see yourself and how you relate to every one else in the whole universe. How unfair the unwarranted shame and loneliness has been. I want you to think about your own goals and dreams and self definition and for some of you, the retirement village in Florida that you will never join because you can't compete in the grandchildren wars. I want you to think about all of the times you bought Girl Scout cookies to support your friends' children and all of the times you heard that children are our nation's future. And I want you to believe that YOUR right to have YOUR disease treated so that YOU can have children whose cookies can be bought or whose health care should be provided for are just as important as everyone else's. And then, I want you to walk into Congressional offices today with the confidence that you are justified, no, righteously compelled and duty bound to demand that the treatment and cure of infertility be a priority in our national agenda of providing health care to the people of this country.

Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.

We went back over our key advocacy issues for each congressional visit: 1) infertility is a disease; 2) pushing for co-sponsorship of an Infertility Tax Credit Bill; and 3) to have legislators call the CDC to demand to know why work stopped on the National Action Plan for infertility. Barb announced that Senator Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) has agreed to be an original sponsor for the Senate version of the Infertility Tax Credit bill. (A bill number and name is still forthcoming.) And then our group was treated to a special guest appearance from Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (D-FL), who gave a rousing 15 minute speech on the importance of the advocacy work we were doing, and to take our legislators to task to hear our concerns. (I'll post a video of her speech this week.)

And then... we were off to our Senate appointments. Our delegation from Massachusetts was followed around by RESOLVE's official event photographer. I felt like such an Infertility Rockstar!

Sen. Kerry's swanky Senate office.

We headed to Senator Kerry's office where we waited to meet with his Health Legislative Aid (or, Health LA in DC staffer lingo). After a short wait, we were ushered into the large conference room in Senator Kerry's office. I gave the rundown to the Health LA about infertility as a disease: stats, figures, and a brief overview of my personal situation. Lee then talked about the Infertility Tax Credit and the inquiry to the CDC. While the Health LA couldn't commit to specifics without running things by her boss, she seemed receptive to both the legislation and getting Kerry's office to call the CDC. And in the blink of an eye, we were shaking hands and exchanging business cards and then off to our next appointment.

We arrived at Senator Brown's office with just minutes to spare, after getting to his office in the Rayburn Building only to find out he had moved to the Dirken Building. We sat down with Brown's Health LA who was surprisingly receptive (despite Brown's track record with wanting to pare down the Massachusetts healthcare mandates- including infertility- back in 2009). She asked great questions and Lee was able to talk about how the Infertility Tax Credit would be a huge relief to military families, as TriCare (the military health plan) only provides discounted infertility treatment coverage at only four centers in the entire country. And then, as Theresa was explaining the part about the CDC...

Remember, Scott Brown: babies grow up to be future voters!

When in walks Senator Scott Brown himself. I literally could only mumble out "It's an honor to meet you" as I shook his hand and I probably could have caught flies in my mouth it was handing so wide open. "How about a picture?" he suggested, and we lined up and Scott Brown put his arm around my shoulder. Just as quick as he popped in he was out and I felt like was a starstruck teen giddy at meeting her dreamboat idol. Let me be clear: he's hardly my dreamboat idol, but he's still good looking whether I agree with his politics or not and he's still basically a political celebrity. Thank goodness our group was followed by RESOLVE's professional photographer, who snapped up a ton of pics of our group with Scott Brown.

The afternoon was spent meeting with our House representatives. Our group had scheduled appointments with Rep. Ed Markey, Rep. Barney Frank, and Rep. Nikki Tsongas. Each appointment went very well: each office was committed to calling the CDC and wanted us to send them the Infertility Tax Credit bill language asap for review. I had registered late so I didn't have a scheduled appointment with my Represenative, Rep. John Tierney, but our group agreed to swing by his office to drop off some materials for his Health LA. When we did, I was thrilled when the Health LA agreed to an impromptu meeting. I stepped up to the plate and delivered our whole Advocacy Day schpiel by myself (we had been trading off each of the three issues at each appointment). And then the icing on the cake: Rep. Tierney popped in at the end of our meeting and we got to grab a photo with him.

And suddenly, it was 3pm, all of our appointments were done, and it was time to decompress and grab some snacks at the end of the day debriefing and reception. As the delegates from other states returned, we swapped stories of the day. Alabama and New Jersey seemed to have the best success stories of support from their legislators; the lone delegate from Texas had a tougher time with the day for a variety of reasons: Texas is a huge state for just one volunteer to cover and her legislators aren't exactly supportive of mandated coverage. It made advocating for her cause pretty challenging. All the same: to blogger Hold My Hope, I'm so proud of you for taking on that challenge. Thank you for representing one of the biggest states in the Union by yourself.

Before I knew it, I was hitching a ride to the airport, on a plane and back home by midnight. I was exhausted- physically, mentally, emotionally - but I didn't regret a single second of the day.

When so much is taken away from us as infertility patients – without our choice – going to Capitol Hill gave me a sense of power and purpose in my infertility journey. I have often taken for granted my rights as an American citizen and taking part in Advocacy Day is perhaps one of the truest expressions of what it means to be an American. I had a voice. I was heard. And now, I commit to the work that needs to be done to ensure that my 7.3 million brothers and sisters struggling with infertility are heard too.

I really do believe Risa's words, that this was the most important Advocacy Day we have ever had. I am grateful and thankful to have been a part of the experience. Now, the real work begins: following up with my legislators and building public support for a forthcoming Infertility Tax Credit Bill.

I'm already marking my calendar for next year's Advocacy Day. You better believe I'll be there next year, and the next, and every year after - until we no longer need to advocate for infertility. I truly believe that with the advocacy work we did last week, I hope that's someday soon.

Me & RESOLVE Board Member Lee Rubin Collins.

Remember Us on Sunday

Driving in to work this morning, I was listening to one of my favorite public radio stations. For weeks they've been promoting buying flowers for Mothers' Day to help support the radio station; a portion of the costs go directly to fundraising.

I'm not sure what it was this morning, but as I listened to my favorite local radio hosts hawk their fundraising flowers, I had to switch the station over to another. They went on and on about mothers and how children should honor the mothers in their lives. I don't disagree - I'm blessed to have two incredible mothers of my own- one by blood and one by marriage- and a sister who's shown me that she is one tough mama. I am grateful for each one of my aunts. And I cherish my dear friends who are mothers themselves. You all set a high standard for me to rise to one day.

But there was something about the radio hosts this morning that left me reflective and sad, as they played testimonials of folks who've bought flowers in the past for this fundraiser, singing the praises of the mothers in their lives who stayed up late with the kids and did so much. "Buy flowers for the stay-at-home moms to brighten their day," they said (as if somehow being a SAHM was otherwise dreary and draining and not the rich experience I know it to be for many moms).

As I changed the station, I thought to myself, "What about all the women who want nothing more to be moms? What about all the women who, for whatever reason, will never be able to be Hallmark's definition of a mom this Sunday?"

What about all the infertile, the childless not by choice?

What about us?

I hold out hope for myself that somehow, someway, I will parent with my husband. But I know there are so many out there who can't parent, despite many emotionally and financially draining attempts. That once again this year for Mothers' Day, it's just not in the cards. Last year, I wasn't as phased by Mothers' Day; I was more about exploring what Motherhood means to people. This year, well - this year is different. And there was something about driving in to work and listening to their endless pitch for flowers that just struck me differently - and deeply - this year.

Yesterday at Advocacy Day in DC (recap post Monday), Risa Levine, RESOLVE's National Advocacy Co-Chair, delivered the keynote address in the morning to all the attendees. She spoke beautifully at the conclusion of her speech about the "elephant in the room" - Mothers' Day this Sunday - and encouraged us to raise a glass for the work we set out to do that day and for all the Wannabe Moms. Because we've all held onto our dreams and fantasies of being a mom one day, and those dreams are just as important.

So, I'm asking the rest of the Hallmark-card-sending-world to remember us on Sunday.

We may not have stayed up late when the kids wouldn't go to bed. But we've stayed up late worrying about our transfers the next morning. We've stayed up late wondering why the agency hasn't called. Stayed up late wondering "How on earth are we going to pay for this?"

We may not have endured 20 hours of labor and a natural birth. But we've endured countless hours in stirrups, endless rounds of needles and herbal treatments and painful surgeries. And years of silence and shame.

We may not have brought our child to work but we've sacrificed careers to stay in jobs we hate just to maintain specific health insurance coverage, however crappy that coverage might be - but it's better than paying 100% out of pocket.

We may not have sold Girl Scout cookies with our daughters or run Boy Scout canned good drives with our sons, but we buy boxes of Thin Mints and hand over soup and beans to yours every time you ask us to.

We may never have experienced all those incredible moments that define and shape Motherhood...

...and we'd give anything to, just once.

Remember us on Sunday.

Gearing Up for Advocacy Day

I've got the shoes - slip-on heels that are uber-comfy. And there's a backup pair of flip flops in my shoulder bag just in case. That's been the #1 piece of advice I've gotten from all of the other bloggers I've asked who have participated in Advocacy Day: make sure you have comfortable shoes.

I'm so. freaking. excited. for tomorrow. After work today, I hop onto a flight down to DC amd then starting bright and early at 7:30am tomorrow, Advocacy Day begins with on-site registration and breakfast. We train from 8am to about 10am, and then it's off to the Senate Office Building. I was thrilled to read on Friday's Advocacy Day update email that Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz (D-FL) will speak to our group at 9am before we head out! Rep. Schultz was one of the 20 co-sponsors of the Family Building Act of 2009 and is a vocal supporter of the infertility community. She spoke with members of RESOLVE in support of our community at a Congressional briefing on infertility last April. I am ver yexcited to hear her speak.

I'm nervous about tomorrow.

The other folks I've talked to have all assurred me there's really no reason to be nervous. Larry said it best to me last night, "What's the worst that could happen? They say to you, 'Thanks for sharing your story with me?'" He raises a very salient argument there. But I can't help it; I'm still nervous. Maybe it's more nervous excitement. I know I'll be in the company of over 100 people representing 18 states who will be doing the exact same thing: meeting with legislators and/or their staffers, advocating for infertility awareness and some key action items. And it's not like we'll be unprepared: we have plenty of materials we've been given over the last few weeks, there are resources online, and we'll be getting that last-minute training rally first thing tomorrow morning.

Still... I'm nervous :)

I'll also be really candid here: this whole OBL thing? Makes me nervous about retaliation. As much as I think it's important to release the photos eventually, I'm just praying the White House doesn't decide to drop those today or tomorrow. Like, seriously folks? Can you just wait until the weekend for that? Please? Thanks. It's been a few years since I lived in the DC area, but even when we still had the colored terror threat system, I know how the region gets in times of increased security. I had to put this (slightly irrational) fear out there: name it, own it, and realize that there's not really a whole helluva lot I can do about it.

Tomorrow I'll be speaking with folks on Capitol Hill about three key issues:

1. Infertility is a disease. I know it seems like such a no-brainer to all of us. Yet, even though WHO and ASRM define infertility as a disease, we haven't gotten that yet from the CDC. More on that further below.
2. Getting support for a possible Family Tax Credit Bill. Similar to the Adoption Tax Credit, a bill has been drafted (but not proposed officially) that would offer infertility patients a credit of their infertility-related out-of-pocket expenses. It would certainly supplement folks like me who live in a mandated state, but would be a tremendous help to the 35 other states with no infertility mandate. As I will be meeting with Senator Kerry's staff, you better believe I will close the deal on asking him to originate the bill rather that just co-sponsoring, as he's on both the Senate Finance Committee and its Healthcare subcommittee.
3. Asking our legislators to follow-up with the CDC to inquire about the status of last year's National Action Plan for Infertility. This was a huge step forward for our community: the CDC last year committed to researching and funding a National Action Plan for "an emerging public health priority." (That's how the CDC refers infertility - not as a disease. You can see why issue #1 is important to discuss with legislators.) However, all work has stopped on the Action Plan. We want to get our legislators to commit to pushing the CDC to move forward with their work or to at the very least, find out why work has stopped.

Throw in the mix some highlights of our journey- like the fact that despite the fact that I live in a state that leads the nation in mandated coverage, we're still looking at $15-20K out of pocket - my effervescent charm, and hopefully, a little luck - it looks like it's going to be one amazing day.

I also want to give a very public shout out to both Melissa from Stirrup Queens and Julie from A Little Pregnant: when I asked each of them, they were both very kind to give me some fantastic advice about what to expect tomorrow. They've both really taken a lot of the edge off of the nervousness.

I'll be updating throughout the day on Twitter, so if you're not already following me @miriamshope, that will be the place to read about all of my adventures on Capitol Hill tomorrow. I will of course have a huge update post on Friday with pictures, reflections, and maybe a little video. We'll see how much I can cram in tomorrow and how fast I can edit any footage.

So with that folks, I'm off. If you're going to DC, look for the gal in the dark teal blue shirt and dark grey pants; I'll be wearing a yellow RESOLVE bracelet too. Feel free to come over and say hi - I love to meet folks IRL. For those on the blogosphere, read about my exploits on Twitter tomorrow. And to all: come back Friday and read the recap.

Oh, and wish me luck :)

Nat'l Infertility Awareness Week 2011 Highlight Reel

It's hard to believe that National Infertility Awareness Week is already over. What an incredible week it was! I got to meet so many new people and be exposed to so many more blogs and resources out there... it was really just a phenomenal experience. I can't believe how much more involved I was this year and I have to say, it felt great to make those connections to and to offer that kind of support to others.

After such a whirlwind week, I wanted to share some of those moments, blog posts, and other goodies around the web that stood out for me this week. I present to you my personal Highlight Reel for NIAW 2011:

The Blogosphere

• RESOLVE's Bust a Myth Campaign: there are 350 Bust an Infertility Myth posts! Nice work everyone!
• Schmutzie's brilliant piece about living childfree: Why I Made A Kid-Free List On Twitter (And What Happened When I Did)
• A stunning post, Miscarriages Are Real Losses, from Stumbling Grace. 
• More wise words from Whitney about how to support someone who's dealing with miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death.
• The funniest myth-busting post I read all week by the ever fabulous Infertile Naomi.
• A thoughtful post from Rachel at infertility.about.com on where G-d and infertility treatment intersect.
• Reflections on the week from All Things Conceivable.
• Sonja's deeply moving blog post: When it comes down to it, I am not selfish.
• Mel over at Stirrup Queens reminds the resolved and the unresolved to cross the divide between us, as we share a unique pain in common with one another.
• And a big thank you to Fertility Blogs, who made me their Featured Blog of the Week!

Twitter

• I helped lead a little bit of a Twitter campaign to reach out to celebs to tweet their support for NIAW. I actually got a retweet from one of those celebs! Thank you, @ElisabethRohm!
• Clear Passage's #ShareHope Twitter campaign. The tweets were inspiring all week. You can read all of the #ShareHope tweets here.

Other Media

• Carrie Friedman's piece for the LA Times: What to Expect When You're Not Expecting.
• A special shoutout to my home state and neighboring county: a local piece about infertility awareness in the Gloucester County Times (NJ).
• Dr. Ali Domar and Alysyn Camerota talk about infertility awareness on Fox News.
• A special NIAW episode of The Surrogacy Lawyer show featuring Barb Collura, Executive Director of RESOLVE, Dina Roth Port, writer who wrote Infertility: The Disease We Need to Start Talking About for the Huffington Post, and Melissa Ford, Stirrup Queens blogger. It was a fascinating broadcast that gave me a lot of food for thought about whether or not people should be open with others about their infertility.

...Now what?

Just because National Infertility Awareness Week is over, it doesn't mean the work is done. The next big thing is Advocacy Day this Thursday. Believe it or not, there is still time to sign up. There are over 100 participants and at least 18 states represented... and there's room for more! Find out how you can participate in Advocacy Day either in DC or in your home state. I'll be going to DC for my very first Advocacy Day; I'm so excited! If you're going, leave me a comment or shoot me an email.

What other awesome things did you come across on the web this week? Share your resources and great NIAW finds in the comments!

RESOLVE's Advocacy Day: A Real Woman's Story

RESOLVE's Advocacy Day is one week from today on Thursday, May 5th and there's still time to sign up and participate. It might seem intimidating and overwhelming to head to our nation's capitol to speak to legislators about our needs as a community, but it can be a powerful, incredible experience for those who participate. I'll be heading down to D.C. Wednesday night to join RESOLVE in advocating on the Hill for infertility awareness a week from today. I'm a newbie to Advocacy Day too, so I wanted to share one woman's story to show you that yes, someone just like you or me can participate in Advocacy Day, with no prior experience with legislators at all.

Folks, meet Susan. You may know her as Donor Diva:

She's the proud mama to a darling boy, a fellow POF-er, and a blogger just like you and me who took the leap and participated in RESOLVE's Advocacy Day in 2009. I asked Susan to talk about her experience with RESOLVE and to tell us what the day was like.

Why did you decide to participate in Advocacy Day? 
My friend and I were both in the middle of our 2ww after our DE cycles. She suggested that we go down to DC for advocacy as a distraction. I live in Maryland so it was easy to get there.

How were you feeling about the day leading up to it? 
I was most nervous about talking with the Congressman and Senators. I was most excited about helping the infertility community. There are so many people in the infertility community that helped me I wanted to help also. RESOLVE provides you with support beforehand. They did a conference call, had papers for you to read through, and did training the morning before meetings. As long as you do your prep you will be ready to go.

Tell us what the Advocacy Day itself was like.  
My friends and I Metro-ed down to DC (we live in MD). When we arrived, we were greeted by many smiling faces. The first part of the morning was spent prepping us for our meetings and also hearing stories about peoples' journeys through infertility.

For me, the meetings were in a great progression. It started off with a big group and my last meeting was just me and one other person. It gave me a chance to warm up and gradually feel more confident. It was very exhilarating to actually speak to the Aides and have them understand our position.

It was hard for me to stay calm since this was the first time for me to do something like this. What helped was knowing that I wasn't the only one meeting with them. Also, you aren't meeting with the actually congressman/women or senator you are meeting with their aid. Also, that we were doing this for a great cause. My proudest moment was talking with other participants of advocacy day.

At the end of the day, how did you feel? 
Exhausted!

Any advice you would give to folks going to DC for the first time this year? 
Prepare yourself and read EVERYTHING that RESOLVE provides you with. This way you will be confident in all of you meetings. If you are passionate about infertility then you should go. There were several states not represented when I went and the only way we are going to make change is by getting as many people as possible involved.

Thanks Susan, for sharing your story. I hope your positive experience will inspire others to follow in your footsteps and continue the grassroots advocacy work for the infertility community on Capitol Hill. I know it's certainly made me very excited to take part a week from today!

Worried about making it down to DC? No problem! RESOLVE can prepare you to talk with your local legislators in your own home districts. I wanted to give a special shout-out to Whitney, who had an amazing experience this week meeting with legislators in her home state. Not only did she meet with her legislators, give them plenty of facts, but she actually got their support to co-sponsor a forthcoming infertility tax credit bill. Another real person, another blogger just like you and me - and she's advocated in a huge way for our community.

It is especially critical for constituents from the following states to attend, as you would meet with key members of Congress who could help us in getting the infertility tax credit bill to succeed:

• California
• Delaware
• Illinois
• Maine
• Minnesota
• New Jersey
• New York
• Pennsylvania
• Washington

Have you participated in Advocacy Day before? Sound off in the comments and share your experience with us!

If you still have questions about the day and how you can participate, what to expect - even what to wear - check out the comprehensive Advocacy Day FAQ online.

Will you join me in DC this year for Advocacy Day? 

Dispatches from My Better Half: A Guest Post by My Husband

While I'm happy to take the microphone and do all the talking, I'm stepping off the stage today to shine some light on someone who deserves just as much attention and credit: my fantastic husband, Larry. I'm blessed to have found my soulmate and to have someone who dives head and heart-first into our family-building adventures with me. I hope you'll enjoy his unique take on things as the "elusive male point of view."

. . .

For a long time, Keiko’s been asking me to write a guest post and for a long time – thanks to my unabashed sense of procrastination – I haven’t. I haven’t really known what to say. Keiko has built herself quite the readership and become a fairly prominent fixture in the infertility community. I, like many husbands in our situation, have hung back. I’ve been here to provide my unconditional love and support, but I’ve never felt it was my place to speak out. It wasn’t my body that was having havoc wreaked on it and it wasn’t my body by which I felt betrayed.

I have to say, in some ways, I think Keiko’s diagnosis was, to be cliché, a blessing in disguise. Keiko has always been the one on my arm for business events and at various other gatherings of my peers where the attendance of a spouse who knows no one is absolutely required. It’s brought me a lot of joy over the past year to be on the other side of that coin. When we go to an event for RESOLVE or anything regarding the infertility community, Keiko is the one who is in the spotlight, she is the one who is recognized for the hard work she does for this community and I’m the one on her arm. And although I know the only reason she’s even here is because of a condition she never asked for or wanted, she’s been able to turn that pain into motivation and a directed sense of purpose that I’ve never seen in her before... and for that I’m thankful. She asked me to write about my feelings regarding our whole situation, this curveball that neither of us ever expected. It’s hard to sum that up into a few paragraphs, but her strength through the whole thing has been absolutely inspiring.

When we were at the RESOLVE of New England conference last November, Keiko asked me to attend a session that was specifically for husbands of women who couldn’t conceive on their own. I agreed, begrudgingly, because you know, I’m a man. I don’t need any of that stuff. But I came out of it with two very interesting insights.

First was that I wasn’t alone in my philosophy about the whole situation. From the very beginning, I’ve always told Keiko that to me it didn’t matter how we had a family as long as we had one, and no one could stop us from doing that. I don’t care if a child is 100% genetically ours, 50%, or 0%. Genetics only get you so far in life, and to be honest, between the two of us there are plenty that don’t need to get passed on. What really matters is imparting the knowledge and, dare I say, wisdom of my vast 29 years.

Having a family isn’t about a kid who has my hair (which is receding anyway, thanks to my genes); it’s about raising a child with our values and teaching them to have their own. To my surprise, most of the other guys in the group felt the same way. What’s important is the end result: being a family. I’ve felt that way since day one. So while I feel for Keiko with every cell in my body, her condition has never negatively affected my image of her, because regardless of how it happens we’ll always be able to have that family one way or another. And it will never affect her ability to be the wonderful mother I know she’ll be.

The second thing I came away from that group with was slightly more science-y. The guy who ran the session had done vast amounts of research on the emotional toll this situation takes on the husband. He’s found on average men lag about 3 years behind women in terms of emotional response. Now I don’t think that in a year I’m going to be sitting at my desk one minute and bawling the next. That’s just not how I operate. I bring it up though in hopes that some husbands and wives out there may take some solace in the idea that you may not be responding the same way as the other all the time; just because he’s not there crying next to you doesn’t mean or imply that he’s any less affected or that he doesn’t care. We just run on different timelines. It has never been a factor in my level of support for Keiko. My brain just processes the whole thing a little bit differently.

I don’t really know how to end this. I’ve done my fair share of writing, but never on something that’s so personal. I usually wrap up my articles with a succinct piece of poignant advice, but that doesn’t seem so apropos here. So I’ll just say that I hope a point of view from the other side was a little bit helpful and gives just a peek into what may be going on in the mind of those who care for you the most.

Life Before and After Infertility

Mel has a great post this week busting a myth about infertility, about crossing the divide between those who have and those who have not yet resolved their infertility. It's a brilliant post and she describes how we often can mark the moment at which our lives changed forever:

Because for many people, infertility doesn’t have an expiration date.  It doesn’t have an end point.  It is so huge, so emotional, so life-changing that it becomes an event — a divide in a life and the way we count years — the moment before the diagnosis and the moment after.  BD and AD. 

Mel's post got me thinking and I blurted out the following on Twitter yesterday:

I really do believe this. There is a clear cut line in my life experience where before March 18, 2009 I was one version of Keiko and all the days since I am now a different version of myself. While initially I would not have considered myself a stronger person: the depression, the grief, the anger - over time, I've come to a place of strength. I think of lot of that has come from forcing myself to really confront the bevy of emotions, to own those emotions and to self-validate.

It's okay if I'm having a tough time with this, I told myself. This is a pretty devastating ordeal so yeah, I have a right to be upset and grieve.

Infertility isn't the singular experience that has changed me. It's certainly a defining moment in my life, but I am not defined by it. In growing up to be the person I am, I have gone through multiple Before and After versions of myself. Before college I was a selfish spazzy teen with wild hormones who was convinced she'd be a high school music teacher by day, opera star by night. After college I had mellowed out and become highly self-aware and discovered a wealth of value to be found in the field of student affairs.

Before marriage I was a selfish partner who fought dirty and was pretty damn needy. After marriage, I made a commitment to consider my husband a true partner and equal, to agree to sit down and really talk instead of ignoring the issues, and to compromise.

Before infertility, I knew that I might have a hard time conceiving but that it would still happen and that a few years into our marriage, we'd have a little mini-version of Keiko and Larry running around. Before infertility, the idea of parenthood seemed so casual and natural. Before infertility, I thought I'd eventually be the Dean of a college.

After infertility, all of that changed. After infertility I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I am not able to create a genetic child that is both mine and Larry's. Biologically it will be, but not genetically. After infertility, the pressure to build our family and do it soon is almost overwhelming. What once felt so casual now seems like a crazed mission. After infertility, I am committed to serving this patient community in any way I can and want to turn my passion into a career in this field.

Before infertility, I took advantage of my ability to cope, heal, and be strong. After infertility, I have no doubt in those abilities.

And that's why I wouldn't take my infertility back, no matter how devastating this experience has been. Like all these Before and After moments in my life, I have learned and grown from each experience. I'm still learning and growing, who am I kidding; I certainly don't have all the answers and I'm hardly 100% after my infertility. We're still in the middle of it all. But I've developed a level of pragmatic hope and optimism that I didn't really have before I was diagosed. So yeah, if I could go back in time and wave a magic wand... I wouldn't change or take away my experience with infertility.

That said, I know not everyone is in the same place, as Twitter follower Jen pointed out yesterday:

Jen's right too. Infertility is a journey, a spectrum of experiences and emotions. Some days I feel great, like I can take on the world. Other days, I'd rather just stay in bed thankyouverymuch. I know some of you reading this, if you could, would make your infertility vanish from your life's landscape. And I don't blame you. Infertility sucks.

But I'd like to think that the experience teaches us things about ourselves we wouldn't have otherwise learned: that we may be shocked at how jealous we could become, that we may be humbled to see how we've pulled through our darkest hours, that we may be comforted to know that hope lies within us after all.

What IF: One Year Later

365 days.

33,760 plays.

359,858 loads.

I can't believe it's been a year since I released my What IF video.

So much has happened in the past year that's it's crazy to think it's only been just a year; in other ways, it feels like it was just yesterday; I still remember going out for sushi with friends of ours after filming on the Common.

I had posted a follow-up post two months after the video, and so much had happened even just in those first two months. In the remaining ten, even more amazing opportunities and connections have been made. I made connections with so many professionals and colleagues and bloggers in this field. I gave my first interview talking about the experience of making the film in a piece for Tablet Magazine in August. I was awarded the Hope Award for Best Viral Video at RESOLVE's Night of Hope in September. In November I attended the RESOLVE of New England Annual Conference as a Board member and volunteer instead of a regular attendee, and it was a phenomenal experience. In December, we went on a much-needed cruise. With the new year, I came even more into my own strength and voice: in January, I took aim at the media and the following month, I had a thing or two to say to many of our legislators. In March, with the (now unsuccessful) attempt to bring mandated infertility insurance coverage to Maine, I stood up to the bevy of critics against mandated coverage.

And then this April has just kind of exploded: another interview, this time for my alumni magazine; an appearance on The Surrogacy Lawyer show; and of course, "that whole thing with PETA."

This is everything that's happened as related to my video and blog; I'm not even counting all the other things like buying our house, having a house fire, getting a second opinion, etc. It's been a pretty whirlwind year.

Yet like I said, I still remember the day I made the film with my husband like it was yesterday. The weather was gorgeous (unlike today's rather dreary weather). Our apartment was a mess, but it was shot deliberately so you couldn't tell. I still remember the funny looks from people as I wrote one of the questions with sidewalk chalk, word by word, then stopped and took a picture after writing each word. I remember the random couple who came up and asked us, "what are you doing?" as I stood there with my whiteboard in hand.

"I'm making an awareness video for infertility," I said proudly. They gave me a "oh, isn't that nice" kind of look and walked away.

I remember futzing with iMovie for close to 8 hours straight trying to edit the damn thing, thinking, "If it was a bajillion dollars, I bet this would be infinitely easier in Final Cut Pro."

And I remember hitting "Upload" on Vimeo and "Publish" here on Blogger and thinking my 29 blog followers at the time would be the only people to see the video, the only people to learn my real identity. How wrong I was.

The original post with the video has now 174 comments. Within the first few months, I received hundreds of emails from people who had seen the video: thanking me, telling me their stories and their struggles with infertility, often for the first time with someone beyond their partners. Even a year later, I still get at least an email a week from a viewer, or a mention tweet or direct message on Twitter, or a sporadic comment on the original post. In the last couple of days alone, I've had over 300 plays. The video just keeps going.

In some ways, it's kind of weird to think about this legacy that I've left for myself on the internet, because as we all know, there is no permanent delete online. Who knows what the landscape of the web will look like in 10 years, 20 years, 50 years even - but my little five-minute video will still chug along in some way, I bet.

It's a video, a project, and an accomplishment of mine I can't wait to show my children some day.

With all that, I just want to say thank you to everyone who's watched it, shared it, and blogged about it. And I want to thank RESOLVE again and to remind everyone that it's National Infertility Awareness Week. NIAW has been the launching point for shaping how I have chosen to cope with my infertility. It's influenced my commitment to giving back to the infertility community. NIAW fuels me to keep doing this work, to find new and creative ways to raise awareness for our disease and our causes.

I only ever made this video in the first place because the NIAW the year before gave me enough confidence to be brave enough to share my real name and face to my story.

I hope that National Infertility Awareness Week can inspire you the same way this year.

Bust An Infertility Myth: I Am Not A Broken Woman.

In retrospect, it was fitting that my last performance in The Vagina Monologues was reading "I Was There in the Room." It's a haunting, reverant, glorious monologue from Eve Ensler's perspective of watching her adopted son's child being born. She is present in the physical moment, in the space itself, but Eve is not the one birthing another. It's a noticable void in The Vagina Monologues: there's no monologue describing birth from a birthing mother's perspective. Just Eve's voice as the outside observer.

I often wonder if I will always be a kind of woman who is only there in the room: always observing, but never experiencing the moment myself.

. . .

When I was 18, I had my ovary removed in emergency surgery. Assured that my fertility would endure, I still felt like I was somehow broken. I had written a poem at the time about feeling like a tree with a broken branch.

. . .

She is a Tree of Life to those who take hold of her; those who hold her fast will be blessed. (Proverbs 3:18)

. . .

The Vagina Monologues were instrumental in my healing process back in college. They allowed me to shape and define my womanhood, a blossoming young adult woman myself. Performing three years in a row, the show gave me a space to take pride in my womanhood: to celebrate, cherish, and worship it. I performed another two times while working for another college; my final performance a visceral, but beautiful observation of the birthing process. It felt good to perform that monologue.

All this time, my soulmate was at my side. We celebrated, cherished, and worshipped each other. I knew we'd get married. I knew we'd have children together. This is just how it was supposed to be. And we did get married. We talked over our plans and agreed on May 2011: we'd begin our family. We'd give ourselves three years just as two, to grow to three (or more!) after that time.

I was worried about being down one ovary but remembered the assurance from my doctor from many years before: "You'll still be able to have children."

. . .

We had only been married a year and my puzzling symptoms at 26 simply didn't make any sense. In March of 2009, everything changed: premature ovarian failure.

In an instant, "the way things were supposed to be" was robbed from me. From us.

"I have failed you as your wife, as your soulmate, as a woman," I sobbed.

He held my face in his hands, looked me straight in the eye: "You are no less woman to me. You have failed no one. You're my wife and my soulmate and I love you."

"But I'm broken," I said in a voice, barely audible.

"No Keiko: you are not broken, I promise," Larry assured me. "We'll get through this."

. . .

Those years in college and in the years following, I took great pride and joy in being a woman. Sure, I griped about my monthly cycle: the cramps, the bleeding, the mood swings. But I still valued the work that my body was doing (or so I assumed at the time). I knew I was merely paving the way for my body's greatest test, and I would celebrate that too when the time came.

My body, my woman's body: a holy vessel of creation, power, life.

. . .

My infertility tried to rob me of that power. When I was diagnosed, I felt like Someone had taken a giant hammer and smashed my holy vessel to pieces. I am a broken woman, I would tell myself. I wove myself a blanket of shame and guilt.

Those days were the darkest, the days I felt robbed of all that I had celebrated and cherished about being a woman.

This was the myth I told myself.

. . .

In the past year, my voice has gained confidence, strength, and hope:

I am not a broken woman.

I am NOT a broken woman.

. . .

It's not that I think women should be baby-factories, let me be clear. Rather, I see the acts of conception, pregnancy, birth, and motherhood as sacred gifts in the womanhood experience. Our bodies then, are truly vessels of creative - in the truest sense of the word - power.

Yet my womb lies barren. My tree bears no fruit of its own. I am endlessly blessed to live in an age of modern science, where my womb can be made full with the help of a selfless other, a lab, and a little luck. There is no guarantee, but it's the chance I'm willing to take.

And if we can't conceive with help, then we are just as open to adoption. Motherhood without its traditional preceding acts is no less sacred; to parent is no less a gift.

. . .

So when I look at the past two years, at the vastness of what has felt like a decade but has only been just two years - I've come a long way. Each month at the Red Tent Temple, I remind myself and am reminded of all the joyous ways of being a woman in all stages. I leave my titles at the door: Barren. Childless. Infertile. Broken.

And I choose not to collect those titles when I leave.

I am not a broken woman.

I invite you to shed this myth with me. To bury this myth, to banish it from your mental vocabulary, to cast it out from your hearts. Say with me now:

I am not a broken woman.

I am NOT a broken woman.

Now keep saying this - out loud - with me:

I am strong and beautiful. 

I am a force to be reckoned with. 

I am wise and joyous and whole in spirit and grace. 

My infertility is only one facet of the many parts of who I am and I am not a broken woman.

I am not a broken woman and I have yet so many wondrous gifts to share with this world.

My Woman's Work has only just begun.

---

It's National Infertility Awareness Week. Infertility affects 1 out of every 8 couples... like me. Find out how you can participate and provide support to 7.3 million people living with this disease: www.resolve.org/takecharge. This post is part of the Bust a Myth Bloggers Unite project.

ICLW Welcome & Blog Award

Howdy all - if you're here from ICLW, welcome! Looking for the latest ICLW introduction? I've got a two-fer this time around. I'll post some random facts about myself here (and you'll understand why in a moment) but I've also updated my Running ICLW Intro Page as well. And if you've never clicked any of the page tabs above, do that too. Lots of good stuff up there. So yeah - lots of places to get to know me if you're new to these digs.

Also, if you haven't seen the list of goings-on around the blogosphere for National Infertility Awareness Week, do swing by this post!

 

I received this fabulous blog award from not one but two readers in the past couple of weeks. I've been sitting on them because like most blog awards, it comes with the "tell us about yourself" clause, so it makes ICLW intros that much easier. So first and foremost, thank you to Ashlee at Savor the Moment and Kristin at Dragondreamer's Lair for bestowing me with the Stylish Blogger Award!

 

To accept this award, the recipient must complete the following:

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 other bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.

So let's start with the 7 random facts about myself:

1. I just started playing Magic: The Gathering last Friday... and I'm hooked. Yes, the nerdy card game that's a mix of DnD meets WoW meets FF. If you understand all of those abbreviations, we should chat... because we're both nerds. I also just built my first deck from scratch. It's an addicting game already! 
2. I could pretty much eat pizza exclusively for the rest of my life (at great detriment to my health). It just never gets old for me. Artisanal, homemade, Domino's, frozen - pretty much any type/brand of pizza. Bread, cheese, tomato sauce - seriously, how can you go wrong?
3. I've been keeping a diary, journaling, and blogging in some form or another since fourth grade. I'm 28. Do the math.
4. 99.9% sure our house is haunted by the original owner from 1846. So far, nothing "bad" has happened, just "weird." Also? Our backyard is a centuries-old Quaker cemetary, so we're not really sure who's walking around the house at night. I live in Salem so this is really nothing out of the ordinary up here.
5. I converted to Judaism in 2007, and yesterday I turned 4 as a Jew-by-choice. I've been practicing, however, for over a decade at this point. The conversion was honestly just a technicality before we got married.
6. I drink... a LOT of regular Coca Cola. Like... a lot. Like, a lot a lot. I finally went to the World of Coca Cola Museum in Atlanta while I was traveling for work. Totally worth it.
7. We don't have cable TV; we watch everything exclusively though the internet on Hulu Plus, Netflix, and Boxee. (Our TV is connected to a media closet with a computer dedicated exclusively to media and our PS3.) Right now we're watching Big Love and 24. We also try to watch the Fox Sunday Night lineup during the week: Bob's Burgers, Simpsons, Family Guy. Bob's Burgers is the clear winner of the three; I absolutely adore the odd humor and comic timing on that show. It took some getting used to but I don't mind watching TV on my own time with "limited commercial interruption" - the savings alone in not having to pay $100+ a month for cable makes it all worth it.

Now, it's time to award 15 other Stylish Bloggers! Many of them are participating in ICLW too, so go swing by and leave them a comment. In no particular order, I award the following bloggers:

In Due Time

Stress Free Infertility

Shorty's Adventure

Busted Plumbing

999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility

Impersonating Normal

A Half Baked Life

Too Many Fish to Fry

Stirrup Queens

Elana's Musings

Broken Brown Egg

Fox in the Hen House

Mission: Fertile Soul

A Little Pregnant

Parenthood for Me (PS: Have you voted for them yet today? Do it now!)

Happy commenting this week!

National Infertility Awareness Week 2011: What's Happening Around the Blogosphere

APRIL 24 - 30, 2011

National Infertility Awareness Week is literally just around the corner! NIAW stands for so many things in our community: support, empowerment, awareness-raising, hope. In many ways, NIAW is about community and how we strengthen each other in our journeys by raising awareness for our disease.

There are many ways you can get involved with NIAW and I encourage you to participate in ways that you're comfortable. Besides the ever-growing list of NIAW events happening all around the country, I wanted to take a minute to highlight some of the various things happening around the infertility blogosphere and what you can do right from the comfort of your own computer. Whether it's raising awareness via social media, an online book club, writing a blog post or entering a giveaway, there are a variety of ways you can get involved as an infertility blogger. Check out what's out there in the list below!

---

+ BLOG CARNIVALS

Bust an Infertility Myth: Bloggers Unite!

Sponsored by RESOLVE, bloggers are invited to bust a myth about infertility via a blog post. You can pick from RESOLVE's list of infertility myths or select one of your own. Each participating blog will then be considered for RESOLVE's Night of Hope Award for Best Blog.  Snag a badge and don't forget to add your participating blog post to the list here.

IF We Believe! A Blog Carnival about the Stories and Faces of Infertility

Sponsored by blogger Up, Down and Natural, IF We Believe! is a blog carnival with a mission of tearing down the veil of infertility, and being able to express all the emotions, and daily infertility experience from the highs and lows, and everything in between. IF We Believe! Anything Is Possible... Particpating blogs will be entered into a drawing to win 20 ovulation predictor strips. See Arpita's blog for more info and submit your post online here.

IComLeavWe: April 21-28, 2011

Hosted by blogger Melissa Ford of Stirrup Queens, ICLW is like a blog comment carnival. Bloggers sign up to be added to a list of participating blogs and commit to commenting on at least 5 blogs and returning 1 comment left on their blog each day of ICLW. It's a great way to find new blogs and April's ICLW always lines up with NIAW. Bloggers have until 11:00PM EST on April 21st to sign up for April's ICLW and must add an ICLW badge on their blog. Sign up here.

---

+ SOCIAL MEDIA AWARENESS CAMPAIGNS

Share Hope (#sharehope) Twitter Campaign

Sponsored by Clear Passage, the Share Hope campaign seeks to raise awareness in 140 characters or less on Twitter during NIAW. Beginning on April 24, tweet your infertility story with hashtag #sharehope. Each day of NIAW, one tweet will be selected as the daily prize winner and will receive a book by a well-respected fertility professional; each of those winners will be entered into a Grand Prize drawing for 20 hours of free hands on infertility treatment at Clear Passage Physical Therapy. See their website for full details.

NIAW Twibbon Campaign

Sponsored by RESOLVE and MyDestinationFamily.org, a Twibbon adds a tiny RESOLVE logo to your Twitter or Facebook profile picture. One simple click can help raise awareness for a disease that affects 1 out of every 8 couples in the United States. Click the link to add your twibbon today!

Download an Infertility Ribbon

Bloggers Whitney and Erick think it's high time the infertility community has their own ribbon- so they've made one to share online! Snag a version for your blog, your Facebook or Twitter profile pictures, or even add to your email signatures. You can really get creative. Check out Whitney and Erick's blog to snag the codes.

---

+ VIRTUAL BOOK CLUB

Sing You Home by Jodi Picoult

Sponsored by the Law Offices of Amy Demma, they'll discuss Jodi Picoult's new book: Sing You Home. They invite all of their friends from within the infertility community (both colleagues and those trying to conceive) as well as friends, families and loved ones who want to support those struggling to build a family. Join in the discussions and posts on their Facebook page today!

---

+ GIVEAWAYS, CONTESTS AND PROMOTIONS

Vote for Parenthood for Me!

You have until 11:59 PST on Friday, April 22nd to vote for Parenthood for Me for the 2011 Leading Moms in Business competition, sponsored by Discover. Parenthood for Me is a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization whose mission is to provide financial and emotional support to those building families through adoption or medical intervention. They raise funds to award family-building grants to those living with infertility. You can vote once daily, so do it today, tomorrow and Friday!

Save $5 on The IVF Companion During NIAW

Are you about to undergo your first IVF? Your third IVF cycle? Consider organizing yourself with The IVF Companion, a guided personal organizer with tons of resources for making sense of your IVF cycle. Check back after April 23rd to get the promo code.

Blogger Giveaway
Sponsored by blogger In Due Time, she'll be giving away items every day of NIAW. Check back on her blog for all the details.

---

*If you're hosting an event like these listed above and would like to be added to this list, send me an email to miriamshope {at} gmail {dot} com.

Soundoff! How will you be participating in National Infertility Awareness Week this year?

Calling All Health Activist Bloggers

As some of you know, I'm a member of WEGO Health, a community hub for health activists in all areas of health interests, conditions, and diagnoses. It's a pretty nifty community and I highly recommend it if you're in the health industry in any way. I even won their Vlog Contest last year. They have a lot of neat resources for health activists, including a webinar this Thursday that I'll be "at" online.

Here are all the details:

Navigating Your Health Narrative Webinar

With Health Activist Panel with Lisa E, Erin B, Jenni P, and Amanda D

Thursday April 21st 8-9pm EST

Sign up here and get all the details

The webinar is for anyone from seasoned bloggers to blog-readers who want to start their own blog. The webinar will cover the basics of blogging and include more advanced tips and tricks for promoting posts, managing your time, and establishing your blog “voice” and how to raise awareness about your condition through blogging. By signing up you’ll also have a chance to ask specific questions for the Health Activist panel that will be answered during the live Q&A portion of the webinar. You’ll also get access to the archived version of the webinar.

I would highly recommend this for both my newest readers who've just started blogging as well as those of you "old pros" reading this out there. From an infertility standpoint, it should be an engaging session to see how we're crafting our own stories to not only benefit ourselves, but hopefully to benefit others who read our blogs, be they friends, family, fellow bloggers, or just the random visitor from a Google search.

And to end in full disclosure: by posting this on my blog, I’m also being entered for a chance to win $100 or a $100 donation to the health charity of my choice. For more information and to find out how you can participate in this blog contest, click here: WEGO Health Blogger Contest.

Surrogacy Lawyer Radio Show Update: MP3 Available Online

If you missed me on last week's The Surrogacy Laywer Radio Program with Evelina Sterling, you can download the show as an mp3 to listen to at your leisure!

Click here to download Premature Ovarian Failure and the NIAW/PETA Debate with Evelina Weidman Sterling and Keiko Zoll.

As the title mentions, Evelina and I talked about all things POF; Evelina spoke to the more clinical aspects of the disease and I shared my personal experiences as a patient. Evelina also shared how it's now referred to as Primary Ovarian Insuffiency. And of course, we saved a few minutes at the end to chat with Theresa about the whole PETA ordeal.

If you have 54 minutes right now, you can listen below:

The Matzo Balls Are Coming.

This post is part of the IF-Free Zone: a commitment to blogging about something other than my infertility journey every now and then. Why blog off-topic? We are more than our infertility. So enjoy another installment in the IF-Free Zone series. Here's another peek into regular 'ol me.

. . .

I'm not sure how it happened this year, but all of a sudden, Passover is this Monday night. Rosh HaShannah felt late, Hanukkah was way late, so I guess it makes sense that Passover is wicked late this year. We have done absolutely zero prep for Passover... we haven't even bought our boxes of matzo yet!

But we need to get on it this weekend, because folks: the matzo balls, they are a-comin'.

If you're curious: they're sinkers THEN floaters.

Last year we were Passover CHAMPS. We held a Seder at our apartment and invited many dear friends. I was a cooking fiend that weekend, churning out matzo balls like they were going out of style. I could give you Larry's Mom's/Nan's recipe... but then I'd have to kill you. Larry made a (delicious) brisket. There was charoset and fresh-made maror and even vegetarian options!

This year... well, we're skipping First Seder on Monday night because Larry has a Masons meeting he can't miss. So we're hosting Second Seder, the first in our new home, on Tuesday night. So far we have six people coming and we haven't even picked the menu yet.

This should be an interesting weekend. I need to get a jump on the matzo balls and the soup, because they taste better if they've had a couple of days to soak in the flavor. But I also need to finalize our menu and do the shopping. We should also probably, yanno, clean the house too. That would be good. Somehow we plan to squeeze all of this in while painting our bedroom.

Now, painting wouldn't be such a challenge if we didn't also have to paint our bed (that Larry made himself right after we moved in) and if we didn't have to paint the very awkard, very high catherdral ceiling walls in our bedroom either. Thank goodness Monday is Patriot's Day here in Massachusetts, a state-wide holiday that just happens to be when the Boston Marathon is run every year.

It's going to be a busy weekend for sure.

I do have a question for the masses, Jewish or otherwise: I have two vegetarians joining us this year. I'm making separate matzo balls without chicken schmaltz and a veggie-based broth for them, but I'm at a loss for a vegetarian entree for  them. Last year I made parmesan-stuffed portobello mushrooms, but I'd like to try something different this year. Any tips or ideas on some delicious vegetarian entrees for Passover?

Alright, I can't wrap this post up without sharing at least one recipe with you; I've been going on and on about food, so it's only fair. A little backstory to this recipe: Larry's uncle's ex-wife apparently made some delicious Passover layer cake with full sheets of matzo and delicious frosting. For the last 14 years, at every Passover Seder at his parents' house, I've been hearing about Dahlia's "amazing Passover cake." The funny thing is, no one had the recipe. So when she left the family, the recipe went with her. And still, this Passover cake gets mentioned at every Seder table with the Zolls. I have been mystified and intrigued by this "amazing Passover cake," and last year I made it my mission to find the recipe.

After getting descriptions from both Larry and his mom, I set about Googling and found this recipe from AllRecipes.com. I made it last year, and as Larry took the first bite, you could see the years of nostalgia flooding back to him. I had found Dahlia's cake.

So here now is a near-diabetic coma-inducing Passover dessert to make this week. I've tweaked the recipe I originally found so that it's basically guaranteed to send your glucose through the roof.

Dahlia (and Miriam's) 7-Layer Passover "Cake"
I realize it looks unassuming. It's basically just sheets of matzo soaked in alcohol layered with buttercream frosting. I know, I know and yes - it is that good.

I am full of sugar and joy.

You will need:

• 3 1/2 (1 ounce) squares bittersweet chocolate, chopped
• 1/2 cup butter softened (because margarine is a cop-out)
• 1 cup superfine sugar (confectioners' sugar can work for this)
• 3 egg yolks
• 3 egg whites
• 8 matzo sheets
• (750 mL) bottle kahlua, kahlua creme, Bailey's or Godiva liqueur (or... all of these.)
• 1/4 cup finely chopped nuts (optional)

 To make the frosting:

1. Melt chocolate in a small bowl in the microwave by heating at 30 second intervals, and stirring between each one. When chocolate is almost melted, just remove from the microwave and stir until smooth. Set aside. You can also melt the chocolate with a double boiler if you have one (my preferred method and I don't have a double boiler; I do a smaller pot resting in a larger pot with about an inch of water in the bigger pot.)
2. In a stand mixer, cream together the butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Beat in the egg yolks one at a time until well blended.
3. In a separate bowl, whip egg whites with a pinch of superfine sugar until stiff.
4. Fold the melted chocolate into the creamed butter/sugar mixture, then fold in the egg whites.

To assemble the cake:

1. Pour 1/4 of your potent potable into an 8x8 inch baking dish. Soak one of the matzo sheets briefly on both sides, then remove to a serving platter. If you soak too long, it will break apart and become hard to work with.
2. Spread a thin layer of the chocolate cream over the soaked matzo. Continue soaking and layering the matzos and chocolate cream, leaving enough of the chocolate mixture to frost the sides when finished.
3. Break up the process by having a sip of your potent potable from a separate glass. Add more alcohol to the dish as necessary for soaking.
4. Optionally: press chopped nuts onto the sides, or sprinkle them on top for garnish. I'm not a fan of chocolate and nuts, so I skip this step.
5. Refrigerate overnight to allow everything to soak in and become amazing.
6. Upon eating, just try not to have your eyes roll back into your head with each bite. I dare you.