My Two Week Wait

Ha! Gotcha didn't I?

It's two weeks until my two-year wedding anniversary. It's pretty crazy to think that this time two years ago I was finalizing seating charts and making lots of illegal photocopies of wedding programs at work, and, amazingly enough, still tracking down RSVPs (we had a few stragglers).

I remember thinking- how is life going to be different? We'd already been living together for almost 4 years at the point, and dating for over 7 years at that point. We'd been engaged just shy of 2 years - I mean really, how could things be different for us?

On the morning of my wedding, at 7am, I went for a run. I am not exactly a "go for a run" kind of lady, but I put on something warm, loaded up my iPod with all sorts of girl-power tracks, and jogged/ran about 2 miles on the track at the park near my parents' house. I had a nice long conversation with myself about being a good wife to my husband, but at the same time thinking "What does that even mean?" As far as I and a lot of other people were concerned, our wedding was just a formality. Ari and I were long committed to each other - we were soulmates, we were in love - that's all a marriage needs... right?

While it didn't happen the moment we signed our ketubah, there certainly was a mental shift, a sense of both belonging and responsibility unlike that which I've felt before. Ari wasn't just the guy that helped pay half the rent anymore (to be fair though, I don't think I ever regarded him in that light; it was more to make a point). Suddenly, decisions about big purchases or jobs or whatever took on a whole new perspective; having a spouse carried a greater sense of responsibility unlike any I'd really been able to understand up until that point. I felt, curiously, like a grown up for the first time.

I went to a peer-led RESOLVE support group last week, and another woman there had a similar experience to Ari and I - female-factor, early in the marriage, Dx before TTC. She stated that she felt like her infertility has unfortunately defined so much of their marriage. In a lot of ways, I can really relate. Just a couple of months after our 1st wedding anniversary, we get handed a bombshell. And then a layoff. And then lots of other craptacular stuff that just rained down on us in 2009. But here we are, 2 weeks away from anniversary numero two, still intact, albeit a little bruised.

Amazingly, what could have driven some couples apart has managed to bring us closer together. Our marriage has never felt stronger. My friendship to my husband has never felt deeper. I used to be paranoid, in the fiancee days, that we wouldn't have anything to talk about as we grew old together. How wrong I was: we talk all the damn time, from the latest internet meme to vacation plans to deep philosophical crap on the meaning of human existence. Sometimes a conversation might just be fart noises and butt jokes. Sometimes we have these moments of complete crystal clarity: vulnerable, terrified, and desperate for validation. But always, we are there together, side by side, and ready to take on the next big adventure.

It's weird, after everything we've been through, it's hard to believe it's only two years, cuz damn, it feels like 4 or 5, easily.