At what point do you become an Infertility Veteran?
It's a question I'm putting out there to the masses, and I'd love to hear what people have to say. I'll try to respond to comments as they come in throughout the day.
Are you a veteran by going through a treatment cycle? What if you opt to go straight to adoption in lieu of treatment? What if you decide not to resolve with children - are you a verteran then? Are you a veteran by resolving on the first try? Are you a veteran after a miscarriage? Can folks experiencing secondary infertility be veterans? I'm putting the questions out there and I'd love to hear what other questions you have.
Tell me readers: what does it mean to be an Infertility Veteran? And what should our badge be? How could and should we honor our own Infertility Veterans?
*On a serious note: to all of you who have served, who have loved ones who have served: thank you for your service to this country. There may be things I may not be particularly thrilled about when it comes to American defense policy, but I will say this: I have the utmost respect for anyone that is willing to put their life on the line for the sake of our country and freedoms. I have family and friends who are deployed, and there's nothing I want more than for every single one of them to come home safe.
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8 comments:
Having adopted one baby thru foster care and caring for another foster baby - I don't have the energy to even think of my infertility. I feel I'm a veteran that survived the great war on infertility but have 2 beautiful boys as a result of my journey.
for me, infertility co-mingled with pregnancy loss. i recently had a living baby, but i spent 6 years in 'the trenches' of acute loss and unexplained infertility. i consider myself a veteran of loss more than of infertility, but the infertility itself causes so much loss, it is something that you begin to have in common with people, no matter what the causes of their losses were. when i was in the thick of it, i related to women who identified themselves as 'IF veterans', but would never have called myself one, as my actual experiences of treatment were much less than theirs (i.e., i 'only' did 3 ivf cycles). it is an interesting topic.
I'm a secondary infertility survivor. My infertility manifested itself through repeat pregnancy loss and it was devastating. I honestly don't know whether that makes me an infertility veteran or not.
When I think of my cousin who's currently serving, I think of him as a veteran, even though he's active duty. I think it's only fair to grant that same status to folks currenly experiencing infertility. Every step of our journeys leaves little battlescars on our hearts and psyches.
Anon- Great point about being able to connect with others who have experienced loss, no matter what the terms.
What do you think our badge should be? How can we be honored too?
I wonder about this too. I had 3 years of IF and a failed IVF before conceiving my child. We've been trying since she was born 3 years ago for #2 (2 failed IVF's) with no success. Does the fact that I have a child mean that I'm not a vet? Or does it mean that I am (i.e., that I'm not in the trenches any more)? I really don't know.
You know you are an if vet when you are on a first name basis with your fertility specialist even outside of the office when he sees you.....or when the receptionist smiles and says "hey Christina have a seat we'll be right with you" as soon as you walk in the door! Or when you've been so many times that all of the magazines seem outdated because you've read each and everyone.....5 times!
I'm sure it means different things to different people. Personally, I don't think that (for example) less than 6 mos. TTC and one IUI that succeeds makes you an infertility veteran. But then again, I'm cynical that way. I am sure that to some, my 20+ IUIs and one successful IVF doesn't make me a veteran either, but in my view, I am. So it's hard to say for sure.
I was looking for a blogger's post from about 3 or 4 (or more?) years ago that deals with this topic. I can't seem to find it though. It talked about the uniform of infertility and the fact that after so many months or years, you get a particular colour of pants. And then if you get a BFP you get to wear another colour (orange maybe?). And if you have a take-home baby, you change your pants again (brown?). Something to that effect. And by wearing the same colour pants, we'd all know what sort of personal hell we've been through just by looking at the pants that each of us is wearing. A funny, thought-provoking post it was. But for the life of me, I can't seem to find it, nor can I remember who wrote it. Maybe someone else does.
I don't think the actual procedures, experiences and timeline of a fertility journey should have any bearing on "veteran" status except in the degree of emotions experienced by that person-- the fear, vulnerability, hope, loss, joy, disappointment, fear of getting hurt again, physical pain and discomfort, grieving, and anger are all, in some combination, factors for all of us dealing with infertility.
I have never had a miscarriage-- I've just had no pregnancies at all despite trying for 2 years. I couldn't say that I understand what someone who has had losses feels like. But still, someone in that position and I could commiserate on some of the harder moments of this journey together. We don't have to be the same to share with each other. I think that's what's most important.
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