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| Photo via Flickr by Mike Locke. |
I've gotten used to the commute but I do miss going home for lunch with my husband. The days feel a little longer now as a result. I haven't felt this positive about my job in a while but the hours are wearing on me a bit. Ah, the joys of going from non-exempt hourly to exempt salaried... suddenly I'm here all hours of the day and night because they don't have to pay me overtime. (I do get limited comp time.)
I've had so much going on that I've completely forgotten to shout and showcase some things... like my giveaway winners! (This weekend, I PROMISE!) And AFA, RESOLVE, and WEGO Health events here in Boston, an article where I was interviewed for Tablet Magazine last month, and the Night of Hope in less than 2 weeks. And oh yeah, didn't I start this blog because I wanted a baby and couldn't have one??
When you start writing checks for thousands of dollars for things UNrelated to artificial babymaking, it's interesting how your priorities shift. We basically had to make the decision this summer: do we buy a house or a baby right now? We chose to buy a house. Thus, saving up for adoption has been kicked back easily another two or three years. A year ago, I would have freaked out but now I'm in a place where I think I'm ok with this. Well, not that we have much of a choice: there's no money left to "buy" a baby if we could, adoption or otherwise.
This idea of building a family in general is strange to me: for fertile couples, it just kind of happens naturally, usually within a given time frame. Accidents and suprises happen. But for us, it's just another item on Life's To Do List and will fit within a prescribed timeline for us as soon as finances can come together. Our family building is entirely way more planned out than I think we would have ever wanted.
I miss this lack of spontaneity. I wish my life didn't feel so planned out.
But I don't miss being independent, a family of two, a homeowner. I haven't exactly been Miss Baby Fever lately. Don't get me wrong, I still ooh and ahh over my adorable little neice (um, because she's ridiculously cute!). I'm still very excited for friends who are building and expanding their own families. But for us? Right now?
Is it wrong that I'm more interested a sofa and chair than a crib and stroller? I'm just not on that whole BABYNOW vibe.
Ironically enough, Larry has expressed on multiple occasions recently he'd totally be happy to be a new dad right now. Awww... just typing that melts my heart. We've both apparently done a complete 180 from about 6 months ago. I want to enjoy being a family of two for a little while longer. Just watching my sister with her soon to be 3-month old exhausts me: am I really up for that? I wonder to myself. Sometimes I wonder if I'm up for the challenge entirely.
As I shared with someone last week, sometimes it's easier to turn down an opportunity entirely than to accept the opportunity and its responsibility because you run a greater risk of failure. It's a whole lot easier for me to say I don't want to parent than to parent and fail. I'm totally cognizant of all of this.
But it's affected the way I'm looking at my advocacy. Yes, lobbying for infertility awareness, research, and legislation is still important. But suddenly it's not in the spotlight anymore. Maybe it's just because I'm totally overworked as of late. Maybe it's because I'm don't have visions of baby-plum faeries dancing round my head right now. Maybe it's because secretly, I know it's easier to walk away before things get big than deal with the burden of responsibility later.
In any event, this blog is supposed to be about our family-building journey and it's on a bit of a hiatus right now. I'm not saying I'm taking a hiatus from this blog, but I'm wondering now if "infertility blog" is the most accurate descriptor at this point in time. Right now, it's just "life."
It's all just life: moving onward a day at a time, as we're left to marvel at its passing. Smack in the middle of the Days of Awe and with a rare fiery blessing extended to us, I'm left contemplative of this notion. It's a reflective melancholy as I take stock of what's important, so if this post is a bit of a downer, I apologize.
Got a lot of stuff on my mind lately, but oddly enough, that stuff doesn't include babies right now.
12 comments:
Maybe that is a good thing...distraction, time for just you two...
I think your blog can evolve to be whatever you want...life, infertility, other crap.
Can I say again how glad I am that y'all are ok and your house will be ok.
I think this post just reinforces that for some of us, life is more than building a family. :)
This post wasn't a downer - we all evolve and grow and shift and flow.
I think you have enough in your hands right now ... and even though you're not planning baby-making right now, your advocacy continues to mean so much. And there are lots of ways you can make home feel like home. I think there's nothing wrong with couches.
I'm glad to hear your honesty, I think that there are moments in our lives that tug and pull. There is only so much emotion for us to express and feel at once, and it seems that you are feeling lots of those right now. Besides now that you know it has to be planned, it easier to not let it tug until you have saved up, that is not this year. I'm so happy for you both in your home ownership status! Happy decorating!
You are in a good place as a future mom right now. I know that the most miserable part of my life so far is comprised of those years that I suffered and grieved and ranted against my fate as a woman with secondary infertility. Luckily, our opportunity to adopt did not come until After I had decided that I could be happy with the life I had and the family I had. I think it was spiritually and psychologically easier for everyone involved to add our little Maxx to a family that I already saw as whole rather than expecting him to fill some gaping hole in my psyche.
Being content now does not mean you are abandoning your goal and it does not mean that your focus on this issue will be buried or go away. Being content and focusing on current priorities allows you to maintain a healthy balance and that is something that all of us who struggle with IF need to see regularly. :)
I am so sorry about the fire and the loss of $2100. I hope the tides turn in your favor.
Hey, I'm with you whether you're talking about babies or not!
I think those feelings are normal. Most of us have been there before.
Parenthood is scary. Anyone who isn't questioning whether they are really up to it is not looking at it realistically. So, good for you! Enjoying this time being a family of two with a new house will just make you a better mom down the line.
Also, I would read your blog no matter what topic you wrote about :)
But infertility is just so darn fun!
It sounds like you're in a good place right now. Much healthier than bemoaning something that isn't feasible at the moment, for whatever reasons (money, biology, etc.)
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