I'm really not looking forward to tomorrow at 3pm. In fact, I am going batshit insane over tomorrow.
There's just something about hearing your diagnosis in person that fills me with dread. And while I know that this followup could cover anything, I'm pretty sure POF will be the solid diagnosis. I need to really mentally prepare myself for tomorrow, and I haven't at all. I've been lil Miss Escapism for the last two weeks (friends of ours lent us their DVDs of Battlestar Galactica, and we've starting averaging about 3 episodes a night... we're almost halfway through the series).
I've done a lot of work researching, preparing, telling myself I'm beautiful, I'm just as much of a woman, a wife, and someday a mother- that this isn't some kind of punishment from God, or that I did something or didn't do something to cause this. I've had a non-stop inner monologue for over a month. I feel like a lot of it is slowly eroding away in anxious anticipation of tomorrow. A can tell you- I do a great job of psyching myself out for things. The takeaway lesson: I need to do a better job of managing my stress.
After reposting my NIAW info on my FB page, I've had 3 people I've known "come out" to me about their struggles with infertility. Just based on how different all three people are, it's humbling to see that IF can really strike anyone. I'm so sad that this is something I share in common with them, but I'm strengthened by having this new support network of people I know who can really relate to this.
Tonight: more escapism. A and I have 2 tickets to a local production of The Pillowman (a very dark, inventive play). Tomorrow I have an open house to work, then lunch, then this appt.
28.5 hours.
7 comments:
Once I understood I was not in control, and that I could not change anything I was able to come to terms with the diagnosis.
I just thought, it is what it is, and I won´t let IF rule who I am, it will always be part of my life, but it WILL NEVER rule my life... I am infertile, yes, but I also am so fortunate to have MANY, MANY other great things to be grateful for... And I just focus on those things and take it one day, and sometimes, one hour, or even one minute at a time.
You will find strenght in yourself you didn´t now existed, YOU will get through it!
ahhh the pillowman, GREAT play! Enjoy!
Good luck. And remember that ovarian failure at 26 isn't the same as ovarian failure at 43. Though I won't pretend that there is any perspective that will make the diagnosis easier. Especially once it drops out of the doctor's mouth. It will be tough. But this doesn't mean you will never be pregnant.
You never do know you this IF crap will hit do ya? I am sorry for you struggles. I hope your appt. goes well today. Thank you for the comments on my blog. You are sweet!
GOOD LUCK!!
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Wishing you good luck at your appointment tomorrow.
And, Battlestar Galactica is an incredible series...right through to the end.
I remember that appointment very well :( The good news is you are going into prepared (as I was). It would be much worse to be caught off guard. I would guess they will order some more bloodwork for you if you haven't already done it (serum karotype, etc.) to rule out causes of POF. Hey, maybe they'll find a cause that's fixable? I think you may have thyroid issues? Maybe that's contributing? In any case, hang in there tomorrow. I'll be thinking of you. ((HUGS))
I can relate to getting increasingly anxious before doctors' appointments. Good luck tomorrow, sending hugs your way.
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