The Waiting Game

Blood just drawn, and despite my best efforts, they went in through the back of my hand. The lab tech was pretty good; quick, patient, and hopefully minimal to no bruising.

Predictions: FSH very high, LH mid range normal, estradiol very low.

Won't know anything until Friday's appt, or if my doc emails me the lab results beforehand. One of the trends I've seen among the IF blogs is this sense of waiting, of helplessness... of things left out of our hands. Whether it's the 2ww, or the first beta, the first u/s, to share news with family and friends, that next checkup... we're left trying to think of just about anything but. It's this constant level of anxiety, just hovering at the end of every thought, every sentence. Always hoping for the best and dreading something coming out of left field. I know POF is more than just IF issues. It's lifelong health issues, and I'm terrified they're going to find something else. Some complication. Something else I wasn't prepared for.

The last few weeks, the ball has been in my court. I've been researching, reading, blogging - giving myself some sense of control. Emotionally readying myself for the long journey ahead knowing that my POF Dx is pretty solid, just based on my initial numbers, always knowing that Dx part 2 was just around the corner. This morning, with a butterfly needle and a half-distracted lab tech who took a personal call while she drew my blood, the ball is out of my court.

So much for that Zen-like state from this weekend. I'm a basketcase already and I only just had my blood drawn 30 min ago... how on earth am I supposed to make it until Friday at 3pm? Waiting, waiting... to hear the inevitable in person.

At least my husband was with me this morning (he also needed blood work done), and he'll be with me on Friday. He really is my strength sometimes.