Called me out.

So I'm behind a few days worth of posts, but it's been an interesting few days. Ari and I (again) had another long discussion (read: late-night argument) about this rock and a hard place location I'm in where I need to find a job that actually stimulates and fulfills me but has MA-written insurance and a decent enough salary and that if I want to transition to another job I basically need to do it yesterday because it doesn't make sense to start a new job in a year and then start IVF.

Whew, pardon the runon sentence.

This goes back to a lot of what I wrote about in my last post: stuff I need to have in place (ideally) to have kids. What really annoys me is that there are plenty of couples who end up with an oops! baby and somehow figure out how to make it work, but when you're dealing with IVF and thousands of dollars, suddenly all the t's are crossed and i's are dotted before you can get the ball rolling. Add to the mix that Ari simply isn't ready for parenthood yet and it gets... frustrating, to say the least. At the crux of the argument is that either a) I wait until he's ready and we've got our finances in order and thus, am kind of left in a state of miserable waiting or b) I rush Ari into something he's not ready for and thus he's left in a state of feeling cheated.

It's not exactly a win-win situation. And this is why last week, we were up until 2:30 in the morning, shouting, crying, demanding, bargaining, and venting. Like all good marital "discussions," it started out about one thing, but by the end, was a very different beast that brought up all the various challenges in our relationship. We had finally had enough, and Ari was exhausted and went to bed. I was still fuming, so I do what I always do when I need to get out of the house in the middle of the night: I wander around the 24-hour grocery and drug stores near us. I spent the time looking for things related to his Hanukkah gift so I could channel my energy in a more positive direction towards my husband. After I got home, I fell asleep on the couch.

Somehow I ended up back in our bed before I woke up, and we talked some more. We both had only a few hours of sleep under our belt, and Ari finally said, "If this is that important to you, then let's do it. Let's get the ball rolling and start actively looking for donors and getting everything started."

*record scratch*

I kind of mumbled "Awesome" or something to that effect and then he was out the door for a gig for his new business. At work, I could barely focus. All I could keep thinking about was "Holy shit... he really wants to start moving on this..." and that's when I realized that maybe I wasn't as 100% ready as I thought I was. My therapist had even asked me about this a few sessions back: "What would you do if Ari called you out and said he wanted to start things now?" I didn't have an answer for her then, but I sure had it right now.

After we both got home from work, we had a long conversation about all of this. What it comes down to is several factors: financially, we're just not there. He's definitely not ready, and I'm probably only about 75% ready. Insurance is a must. And basically, the entire process of selecting a donor and going through IVF in general is pretty fucking daunting, and it really intimidates the both of us. What I realized is that I've got some pretty serious issues of my own I need to work out that my various medical issues are not helping. I've got a lot of work to do for myself, and after admitting this to not just my husband, but to myself, I'm at a better place to move on emotionally.

In the end, if we're ever going to be parents we need to be partners in the process, not enemies. We reached a compromise: let's re-evaluate things in a few months once his business gets off the ground. Let's work on getting all the other ducks in a row, particularly my thyroid and weight. And while we wait, let's start looking at donor profiles- not make any decisions, but get a sense of what we're looking for, what's important to us in a donor. Just dip our toes into the process rather than diving in headfirst.

Instead of standing back-to-back, looking in different directions with different agendas, let's stand side by side, holding hands, and looking at the entire expanse of the horizon. I really just need to remember the quote we had written in our wedding programs:

"Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction." ~ Antoine de Saint Exupéry