Mommy's Garden

A colleague of mine, a parent through adoption, shared a beautiful story of a friend of hers who decided to tell their child they were conceived using donor gametes. I want to share this with you for two reasons: 1) it's such an original way of disclosing to children about their donor origins and 2) I want to save it somewhere for posterity so that someday I can pull this up and reference it when Larry and I blessed enough to have to tell our own children their origin story.

My friend told me this story a while ago, so my memory is hazy on the details. The main points have stuck with me though, so I'm retelling it now as a short work of creative non-fiction. Names are totally made up; I never knew the names of the folks in the original story as it was told to me.

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Mommy's Garden

Photo by Stacie via Flickr.

Rose knew it was time to start telling her young daughter about from where she came and the story of her conception. Rose's daughter, Juniper, was a bright-eyed chatty 4-year-old, curious about the world around her. Juniper wasn't like most other 4-year-olds her age; Juniper was conceived with the help of donor egg. Rose and her husband Sam had struggled for years with infertility; their daughter was their little IVF miracle, with the help of an egg donor. Rose wanted to open the door gently to this deep idea with her daughter, so she decided to tell her about Mommy's Garden.

"Juniper, would you like to plant a garden with Mommy?" Rose asked her daughter one warm spring afternoon.

"Sure!" Juniper replied, her eyes lighting up with excitement. She followed her mother into the kitchen.

Sitting on the table was an empty egg carton, a small pot of soil, a spoon, a cup of water, and a small seed packet. Juniper ran up to the table, her fingers pressed on the edge as she stood on tiptoes to see. "We're going to plant a garden in the kitchen?" she asked, incredulously.

Rose sat down and picked up her daughter, holding her in her lap. "Yup, in fact we're going to plant a whole tiny garden in this egg carton!" She reached for the seeds and handed the packet to Juniper. "If we're going to make a garden, we're going to need some seeds."

"What are seeds?" Juniper asked, examining the picture on the seed packet.

"Seeds are very special," Rose said. "They're like little eggs, but instead of hatching a chicken, they'll grow into plants. These are flower seeds." Rose took the packet and opened it, spilling a few seeds into Juniper's outstretched hand.

Juniper looked down at her hand and then back at her mother with astonishment. "There are flowers inside these?"

Rose smiled at her daughter's inquisitiveness. "Inside everyone one of those little tiny seeds is a beautiful flower. The seed is like a special shell, like an eggshell even. If they're going to grow into big flowers, we'll have to take care of them just right. They need food from the soil and plenty of water to make them grow. Oh, and sunlight; flowers need a little sun too."

"Won't they get a sunburn?" Juniper asked, a note of concern in her voice.

Rose chuckled. "No, they won't get a sunburn but you don't want to give them too much sun. It's a balancing act of making sure they have enough to eat and drink. Let's start by feeding our little seeds." She reached for the empty carton and soil and handed Juniper the spoon.

Juniper began delicately spooning the soil into each cup in the carton. While Juniper was diligently filling each cup, Rose began speaking, softly and gently, almost as if wondering aloud:

"Do you remember how I said the seeds are like little eggs?"

"Mmhm," Juniper nodded.

"Well, you came from a little egg too. Mommies have little eggs inside them and then Daddies have to take special care of them so those little eggs can grow into little girls and boys."

"Mmhm," Juniper said again, distractedly. She began pushing her fingers into the soil, making little divots. Rose began placing seeds one by one in the soil, Juniper quick the cover them with the soil.

"These seeds look thirsty. Let's give them just a little sip of water," Rose said, reaching for the cup. Juniper began gingerly spooning the water over the soil. They were making a delightful mess on the kitchen table.

"Now what?" Juniper said, looking up at her mother with a big smile.

"Now we wait," Rose said as she wrapped up her daughter in a big hug. She placed the egg carton on the windowsill over the kitchen sink.

. . .

Rose checked one more time to make sure Juniper was asleep for her nap. She slept curled up in a tight ball, her breaths slow and even. "Out like a light," she thought.

She walked into the kitchen and took the egg carton from the windowsill. The soil still damp, Rose dug her fingers into one of the small seedling cups. She fished around in the soil, her fingers pinching on the newly planted seed. Still pinching the seed between her fingers, she turned on the tap and rinsed the soil from her hand. With a plink, she dropped the seed down the garbage disposal and placed the carton back on the sill.

. . .

The seeds had begun to sprout in just a few days, Juniper dutifully asking her mother if it was okay to give them something to drink nearly every few hours it seemed. Rose was grateful once they began sprouting that they hadn't drowned them.

On this afternoon, Juniper asked to water the seedlings yet again. When she brought the egg carton to the table, Juniper frowned. "Mommy, I think that seed is broken," she said, pointing to the lone still-barren seedling cup.

Rose felt her breathing quicken and a clenching in her throat. "It's now or never," she thought to herself.

"Huh, look at that. I wonder what happened?" she said calmly, trying not to betray her nervousness.

"Maybe it got sunburned," Juniper said sadly.

"Don't be sad, honey," Rose said reassuringly. "Sometimes seeds don't grow. We can get a new seed though and plant that one instead."

"Okay!" Juniper said cheerfully.

Rose wento to the counter and picked up another packet of seeds. "We don't have any more of the old seeds left from when we planted them. But we have a new packet. And these seeds are special - a very kind woman gave me this packet of seeds."

"A farmer?" Juniper quizzed. "I can't believe how bright she is sometimes," Rose thought. "No, not a farmer. Just a very nice lady who let me have her packet of seeds." She handed the packet to her daughter. Juniper turned the packet over and over in her little hands, studying it carefully.

"That was nice of her," she said.

Rose could feel the air catch in her throat. "Yes, it was very nice of her."

As Juniper began making room for the new seed, Rose began speaking in that same soft voice as before.

"Remember how I said that Mommies have special seeds like little eggs too?"

"Yeah."

"Well, Mommy didn't have very good eggs. And your Daddy took very good care of them but they just wouldn't grow or hatch or become little boys or girls." She paused. Juniper was gently patting the soil with her fingers, listening intently.

"So a very nice lady gave Mommy some of her eggs," she continued, feeling the tears brim at the corners of her eyes. "This very nice lady gave your Mommy some eggs so you could hatch into a beautiful little girl." she paused when Juniper didn't respond. "Do you understand?"

Juniper's brow furrowed, the wheels spinning in her young brain, putting the pieces together. "I think so. I came from a very nice lady's eggs?"

Rose nodded and smiled, unable to speak as she tried to regain composure.

"Did I live in your tummy?"

"You sure did!" Rose said finally, chuckling. "You wouldn't hold still for a second. Mommy barely got to sleep while we waited for you to come out. But you understand that you didn't come from Mommy's eggs, right?"

"Yeah," she said quietly, the notion still clearly processing. "She must have been a really nice lady to give you her eggs. I'm glad she was so nice to you."

Rose scooped her daughter up into a tight hug, the tears flowing freely as she stroked Juniper's head. "She was a very nice lady and it was a really nice thing that she did."

Juniper wriggled back, puzzled by her mother's tears. "Mommy, why are you sad?"

Rose smiled. "I'm not sad honey. Sometimes Mommy cries happy tears. I'm just so happy to have you as my little flower."

Rose hugged her daughter again, tighter this time, knowing there would be many questions in the days and weeks and years to come... but that it was going to be alright.

Thoughts On Choosing the Donor Egg Path

Photo by Frank Monnerjahn via Flickr

IVF with donor egg is a tough concept to wrap your brain around; I certainly struggled with it initially. We've certainly flip-flopped around in our family building plans in the two years since I was diagnosed: donor egg, adoption, then back to donor egg. I have RESOLVE of New England to thank for that; we went to the 2009 Annual Family Building Options Conference and came out thinking donor egg. Then we went to their Adoption Decision-Making Seminar and came out thinking adoption. After volunteering at last year's Annual Conference, we're back on the path to donor egg. Like I've mentioned in our latest snapshot of our infertility journey, the only thing holding us up is getting our finances saved up for the adventure.

Despite all the flip-flopping on the mechanics of building our family, Saturday certainly solidified the decision for us and for the first time, saving up the money be damned, I'm actually really excited about the prospect of donor egg. On Saturday, RNE hosted their Donor Egg Decision-Making Seminar; since I'm on the Board, I got to host the event: set up the room, make sure the presenters are set, sign in and register attendees. Did I deliberately volunteer to host one of our programs that just so happens to be right up my interest alley? Why, I don't know what you're talking about!

I brought my laptop with me and tweeted a lot of the key points and information throughout the day. (You can see the summary of all the #RNEDESeminar tweets here.) It was a nice way to be able to not only jot down notes for myself, but to share them with folks as they were around on Twitter Saturday. Despite all of the research Larry and I have done regarding donor egg, there's always something new to learn, and I certainly picked up a few interesting facts, such as...

Did you know different sects of the same religion have different views on donor egg? For example, if you're a Sunni Muslim, donor egg is forbidden; if you're a Shiite Muslim, it is permitted. Of course my ears perked up when the presenter talked about Judaism: the halacha is a bit fuzzy on the whole issue of donor egg, so really, it's whatever your Rabbi says. Ha! Like I have a Rabbi right now; we still need to find a shul to call our own. (PS: live in MA? Know of a nice Reconstructionist Temple w/in the Boston/North Shore area? Email me.)

That said, I learned a lot and was thrilled to connect with the other attendees; we had 14 total (7 couples) and it was refreshing to connect and talk with folks in person. I'm actually seriously considering starting my own peer-led support group in the North Shore region; meeting other people who really understand the infertility experience is so therapeutic. I'm hardly a healed woman myself; I've come a long way, yes, but I still need the support on a regular basis. I was also shocked that 2 other women there had POF diagnoses, as well as one of the panelist speakers at the end of the day. We're such a small lot that I was glad I could meet other POF-ers in person. ("Glad" of course is a relative term: no woman should ever have to go through POF.)

I wanted to share just a few highlights from the day. The Donor Egg Seminar was structured into five sessions throughout the entire day and I'll just share a few gems from each one:

From Preparing the Way for Egg Donation
Dr. John Petrozza, Chief, Reproductive Medicine and IVF, and Joan Eilers, RN, MGH Fertility Center

• IVF with donor egg has around a 55% success rate nationally which is slightly higher than "regular" IVF (that is, trying to use your own eggs). While success rates vary by clinic, select a clinic that feels like the right fit for you: consider doctor/patient dynamic, nurse and office staff, timeliness of response, etc.
• The ASRM guidelines for donor compensation suggest a minimum donor fee of $5,000 but anything above that should be justified (which is a debatable term right now). The ASRM considers a donor compensation fee above $10,000 to be exorbitant. 
• Donor egg recipients have it a lot easier than normal IVF patients. The prep is in telling the ovaries "Hey! Don't do anything!" and that's typically accomplished with birth control pills. Some recipients may complete a mock cycle: it's a dry run just to see how the recipient responds to meds; this is typically reserved for patients who have never completed IVF before and is usually done concurrently while the donor get screened, to save time.

From Legal Issues and Contracts
Amy Demma, Esq, Law Office of Amy Demma

• Reproductive lawyers are a small, niche group in this country but are extremely well-versed in the intricacies of navigating the legality and ethics of assisted reproductive technology. It's in your best interest to seek out a specialist this this area of law rather than say, your real estate lawyer.
• Did you know about the Donor Sibling Registry? When working with a lawyer, you can include this in your contract with the donor requiring her to register. It's a valuable tool and resource for intended parents and donors.
• While not required, it's good practice to have your lawyer review your Service Agreement with your chosen donor agency. When in doubt, just remember: it's for your benefit and legal protection to have that set of expert eyes looking over any contracts before you sign.

From Finding a Donor
Sheryl Steinberg, Senior Case Manager, Fertility Source Companies: The Donor SOURCE

• Donors are typically young women in their early to mid-twenties. They come from all races, religious backgrounds, marital status, and may or may not have already had children.
• While you can't obtain full medical records of potential donors, they are expected to complete a detailed medical history and comprehensive diagnostic screening.

From Psychosocial Issues
Laura Lubetsky, LICSW, Brigham and Women's Hospital Center for Infertility and Reproductive Surgery

• Selecting your donor: looking through profiles and their pictures - is a weird experience, like you're going through Match.com. It's perfectly normal to feel weird about the whole thing; it's also perfectly normal for there to be feelings of guilt, anger, and grief.
• If you're using a known donor, particularly a family member like a sister, consider the Thanksgiving Dinner scenario. What will the dynamic be like with you, your sister, and your donor egg conceived child at the table? How will define your roles? How weird will it feel? Will it feel weird at all?
• While disclosure is almost always a good practice, it really is nobody's business how you got pregnant.
• The idea of how to tell your children they were conceived with donor egg can seem particularly daunting  to intended parents. Typically, after you have your child and once you're parenting, the idea doesn't seem so foreign and there are a variety of resources out there to help you begin that dialogue with your child.

From A Group Discussion About the Issues—Recipient Parents Speak
Annie Geoghegan, LICSW, Brigham and Women's Hospital Center for Infertility and Reproductive Surgery

• One couple on the panel talked about the very broad way of how they plan to tell their daughter she was conceived by donor egg: "You weren't an oops baby. In fact, your daddy and I couldn't have wanted you more."
• "Everyone comes to the moment they pick their donor differently, but when you do, something just clicks. Selecting a donor can become a very philosophical process."
• "Your emotions can change so much during the whole donor egg process. Just try to take it a day at a time."
• "The moment that baby is in your arms, all those concerns about using donor egg totally shift. You have to stomach this weird process to get to this wonderful end."

On a very personal note, this was perhaps the most emotional and valuable session of the entire day. I left feeling so filled with hope to hear success stories from parents via donor egg. I think the one piece of information that stuck with me, as I drove on a long quiet drive by myself back home afterward. Right now, even though donor egg and IVF and clinics and costs and how are we ever going to tell our children are so ever present on our minds, things totally change and all this worry-filled head space starts to feel more and more distant. The moderator for the panel discussion put it best: if you successfully resolve with donor egg, it stops being the headline. It becomes a badge you wear instead.

I like that. A headline implies that the whole world is looking at you with a judgmental lens; a badge is something we've worked hard to earn and is something of which we can be proud.

I can't wait and I hope I'm lucky enough to earn mine soon.

A Snapshot of Our Infertility Journey Thus Far

Photo by Tim Regan, via Flickr.

So often I'm writing about all the big picture things in the infertility world: advocacy efforts, ranting about the media, and the like - sometimes I forget to remember that ultimately, I started this blog to chronicle our personal journey through infertility. I thought I should take a step back from all of that other stuff - though quite important - to just take a look at where we are right now.

Back before we ever knew about my diagnosis, Larry and I had talked over the Big Discussion of When We'd Have Children and decided that May 2011 would be the month we ditch the birth control and start makin' babies. How idealistic we were. It's bittersweet to know that now I can't ditch the BC if I wanted to; it serves as vital hormone replacement therapy. And, despite my best efforts to be sloppy with taking BC, I couldn't make an "accident" happen no matter how hard I tried. And believe me: I've tried this past year. What can I say: I've got a busted ovary and wishful thinking is hardly going to jumpstart it again anytime soon.

It's hard knowing this was supposed to be the month we made love with reckless abandon in hopes for a baby by our fourth wedding anniversary. It's hard knowing that my body has conspired against us. And, like every spring, it's hard feeling like the last kid picked for the team when all I see on my Facebook, Twitter, and Reader feeds are pregnancy and birth announcements, many from within this community. I am of course, happy for each and every one of them.

If you're an infertile blogger, then you know what that bittersweetness feels like: joy tinged with the faintest jealousy. You know that as happy as you are in your heart, it doesn't stop your nearly instinctual reaction to start crying, wondering, "When will it be my turn?"

Once again, I'm on the hunt to find newer blogs of folks who haven't yet resolved; I still read the folks who are moving on, but I'm finding myself in fewer alike company. When I started blogging two years ago, I watched that first batch of fellow bloggers resolve. There have been many batches of bloggers since. And I just keep writing, keeping filling this very aching void in my womb with inspired words.

What I can't create in biology I create in writing instead.

I wonder how many words I will have written before I'm able to write That Happy Ending. That Happy Ending That We Thought We'd Get to Have It All Just Like in The Movies - you know - The One Where You Marry Your High School Sweetheart and Have Your Little Soulmate Babies Together.

Our new adjusted timeline is to hopefully select a donor sometime late fall of this year, to pursue IVF with donor egg. My second opinion doc, Doc Awesome, assures me I'll be an excellent candidate for DE/IVF. Once we select a donor and go through that whole legal and donor screening rigamaroll, hopefully we'll get this baby-makin' ball rolling by December or January at the latest. And... it's only May. It's good to have a timeline in sight, but damn if the waiting doesn't get to me.

This all of course, depends on how quickly we can make our $15,000 savings goal. Believe me, I'm thankful to live in a state with the best mandated infertility treatment coverage, but of couse, donor egg is full of loopholes. Donor compensation, donor screening, agency and legal fees aren't covered, so even with my awesome mandated insurance, we're still facing $15K out of pocket. I know I should be thankful - it's remarkably less than those who have no insurance coverage, but we're not exactly Bill and Melinda Gates here. We're doing our best to pay our mortgage, our bills, fill up our gas tanks and our bellies and still somehow put some cash aside so we can build our family.

And then there's that nagging little voice: "We're actually saving $15K for a chance to build our family."

Because like everything else in this infertility journey: there's just no guarantee.

So that's where we're at: in a financial holding pattern until we save up the money. I continue to be involved with RESOLVE and RESOLVE of New England. I advocate for infertility awareness because it helps pass the time and gives me a sense of purpose and control while I wait. And the world moves ahead of us, another pregnancy announcement at a time.

I keep praying for a miracle.

As the days tick off the rest of this month, as I approach my 29th birthday next week, I keep thinking about How It Was Supposed to Have Been and How It's Very Much Not That at All Now.

And we keep waiting.

A second opinion on everything, really.

Doc Awesome: Artist's rendition.

My second opinion appointment went really well yesterday. The staff at the clinic were very professional and rather friendly. I tweeted from the office that the patients sitting in the waiting room, however, looked a bit somber, but I can't blame them. It just made the contrast between the friendliness of the staff that much more apparent.

Dr. "I have an incredibly awesome/sexy South African accent" who I suppose I should just shorten to Doc Awesome was equally as warm and friendly. (I would've called him Dr. Sexy, but that's reserved for our vet: a post for another day.) I came armed with my list of a dozen questions and a folder full of test results. What astounded me was that I didn't have to sit and give my schpiel (menarch at 9, PCOS Dx at 18, ovary out the same year, thyroid problems at 20, POF/Hashi's at 26 blah blah blah)... he had actually read my file prior to my appointment and was able to give me my own summary back to me.

I find this astounding because with Dr. G, I could count on at least 20 minutes of repeat dialogue at every appointment, including having to go through my medical history at nearly every other appointment. Egads, a doctor that does his homework?? What is the world coming to?

Doc Awesome let me ask my myriad questions and many of the answers were ones that I had expected. Based on my various hormonal tests throughout the last year, it's POF. And like any POF-er, it's entirely possible to experience spontaneous ovarian function and even become pregnant, but that occurs in about 1% or less of the POF population. Bummer.

That being said, Doc Awesome said I'm a fantastic candidate for donor egg, and that POF-er's in general usually are great candidates for DE/IVF. Doc Awesome also oversees all of the donor cycles at this clinic, so I'm in capable hands. They run pretty aggressive treatments for donors and say they get as many as 20 eggs in one shot. Their success rates are also well into the 50-60% range with DE. I asked if my Hashi's could play in a role in the success of DE/IVF and he said that so long as it's maintained, it's a non-issue.

As far at the actual cycle itself, once we pick a donor and she is screened (and the screening process at this clinic is intimidating bordering on absurd- his words, not mine), I'd stop taking my birth control pills and switch to estrogen only. Meanwhile, she'd go on a stim protocol and trigger. The day of retrieval, Larry obviously has to do his thing in a cup, I'll add progesterone gel (sounds goo-tastic!), and the eggs are retrieved from the donor. Depending on how Larry's army looks, we'll either let them do the rumba in the petri dish or directly inject his sperm into the egg via ICSI. About 4 days later, I would come in for a 10 minute procedure to insert either 1 or 2 embryos into my lady parts... and then, voila, the 2ww. Should I choose, I can also add an hour of acupuncture/pressure before and about 45 minutes of the same after the transfer. All told, apart from the actual transfer and using donor gametes, it's par-for-par hormonally and experientially as any other woman experiencing pregnancy.

I mean, I wouldn't even get the giganto box o' needles from the fertility pharmacy. I could avoid needles.

This is huge for me folks. Huge.

All told, we're looking at about $15-17K when you factor in donor agency fees, donor fees, legal feels, and donor screening. (It seems silly that insurance wouldn't cover donor screening, since they are medical procedures, but apparently it's the one medical part of the process they don't cover, which can run anywhere from $2-4K.)

I'm not going to lie: this is WAY cheaper and potentially faster than adoption. And given my age, my other relative health, there's a good chance of this working on the first shot. I know DE/IVF is no guarantee, but even Larry brought up the point: if it didn't work, we would potentially still have other embryos on ice to work with again, given the aggressive retrieval protocol they run on donors.

And you know what? I do want to experience pregnancy and birth. I have resolved that I'll still be just as much of a woman and mother if I don't, but the pregnancy experience is still important to me after all. There's also a good bit of halachic vaguery about the Jewish status of a child born via donor egg, so believe it or not, according to Jewish law, donor egg is easier to navigate that adoption. I wouldn't necessarily need a Jewish donor if pursuing DE/IVF, but absolutely would need a Jewish birthmother if pursuing adoption, domestic or international.

After talking the appointment through with Larry yesterday, I think we're changing our minds... again. Once we save up the money, we're going to go for DE/IVF. I don't think adoption is off the table for us completely, but just not as our first shot.


In sum: Doc Awesome is pretty awesome. (He even complimented me for coming in armed with all of my info noting that I was "a lot more researched than the average patient, which is a great thing.") And when we're ready to go for donor egg... we'll be going with him. I feel really confident in his ability and he has a wonderful candor and sense of professionalism.

So yeah, there you have it. Donor egg is back on the table... and I'm really excited about it. The timeline all depends on how quickly we can hide away the cash, but I think we could probably do this by the end of next year.

I suppose I should start working on a new blog header image this weekend!

Infertility's ethical dilemma.

Tomorrow I have my second opinion appointment. I've filled out all of my pre-appointment paperwork. Larry has filled out all of his pre-appointment paperwork. I have a 1-inch thick file of all of my bloodwork results in the last year and a half, and two handy Excel spreadsheets summarizing my thryoid workups and female hormonal workups. I am ready to go. And well... I'm a little nervous.

Anytime I open myself up to more diagnostics, more testing, I always worry that I'm opening myeslf up for something worse. What if it was never POF all along and instead it was... pancakes? Or dumptrucks? Or... *gasp* Sunday coupons?! (I'm replacing all of the other horrible things a gal could be diagnosed with less severe things as I'm superstitious to ever name actual horrible conditions, like, if I write it here, I'm jinxing myself).

I'm 99% sure I'm going to receive the same diagnosis of POF; my FSH hasn't really dipped below 50 and was at its highest, around 67 I think. I'm not so much looking for a second opinion on the diagnosis as I'm looking for a) a more competent doctor, because as I talked to many folks at the conference this weekend, Dr. G is bad news and b) the slim chance that maybe, just maybe, we could build our family without the use of donor eggs or heading straight to adoption.

Which lead's me to infertility's ethical dilemma... what if I pass on my infertility to my children?

Here's the thing: if I were to do IVF with my own eggs (which, as far as I know based on one opinion, this isn't possible), it would probably save us anywhere from $5-$7K out of pocket (potentially more with agency fees on top of that). I'm lucky because my insurance would cover all my medical costs as well as the donor's medical costs, but I'd still have to pay for all the donor compensation for her time and travel, essentially, the donor fees. Also, insurance (of course) will not pay for legal fees as donor egg use requires the use of a laywer to negotiate the legality of the future child, as in, who's child is this legally. So if I were to use my own eggs, I wouldn't have to worry about paying for anything out of pocket other than office visit and prescription co-pays.

Not only would using my own eggs be cheaper, but I'd get to live that dream of making a baby that's party me, part my husband. But if I do use my own eggs, I could very well pass down my infertility to my potential children.

Would my future child resent me for it later if and when they try to conceive and they ran into issues? I realize that I don't resent my parents for giving me a predisposition for diabetes and heart disease, but if I knew that my parents had a choice in the matter... well, I don't know then. I mean, I'd rather be the person that I am, future potential medical issues or not, rather than not existing at all (as who I am genetically) because my parents used donor gametes. Maybe I'd be able to have a closer relationship with my child, instead of them pushing me away, because Mom and Dad would understand, and we'd be able to share resources with them.

And it's all a gamble anyway... what if we used donor gametes and our future child still had infertility issues later in life? What then?

What if, what if, what if... it's so easy to start formulating endless possibilities and scenarios, like a flowchart of doom branching menacingly into the future. But this is a valid question with which I really struggle: what if I gave this G-d awful, terrible, heartbreaking, tragic disease to my own child?

All just for the sake of being able to say that this child is half-Keiko and half-Larry?

Is it worth it?

. . .

I know there's no answer to that question, and I don't know if any of us could answer that question. But I have to be honest: it doesn't feel rhetorical.

And it doesn't feel ethical. But I suppose, barring genetic testing and selective reduction, there's not a whole lot I can do. And even those options feel icky and just not the best decisions either.

This is infertility's evil Catch-22.

. . .

And this is all on the assumption that I could ever conceive a child with my own eggs. The odds are stacked against me, no matter what doctor I see. So it's all just a waiting game: arming myself with a long list of questions for the doctor tomorrow, and hoping to finally get some encouraging news for once in this journey.

RESOLVE of New England Annual Conference Live Blog!

I'm blogging live today from the RESOLVE of New England Annual Conference in Marlborough, MA. Stay tuned for updates throughout the day - make sure to hit F5/Refresh! Newest updates at the top of this post.

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5:15pm - Alrighty, we're out. Full recap post tomorrow. Thanks for following along for this live blog!

5:08pm - Wow. What a day. Just waiting for Larry to come back with his Room Monitor Sheet from the For Men Only Ask the Expert Session.

4:27pm - Helping to tally up the Room Monitor sheets... so far, the morning sessions were really well attended! Great to see folks dropping off evals on their way out, but I hope folks are heading to the Ask the Experts sessions! It's nice to sit at the main table and answer questions for folks. Also? If I haven't mentioned this already? Everyone is super friendly- presenters, exhibitors, volunteers, and attendees. A very safe space indeed for folks at every stage of their journey. Hm, probably should have mentioned that at the beginning of the day :)

4:00pm - Talking about known donors: there's not a lot written about it right now, and that's an indicator of how well they work. All in all, this is a really great session. Have to scoot... I'm working as the Room Monitor Captain for the Ask the Experts Panels at 4:20pm!

3:53pm - Amazing analogy that cracked up the group re: explaining conception to young children -  Conception equals three ingredients: ovum, sperm, uterus. PB&J sandwiches equals three ingredients: PB, J, and bread. If you're out of PB, you don't replace it with mustard because it's the same color. So, kids as young as 4 and 5 can begin to understand the basics of using donor gametes in their conception. Fair enough. Now I want a PB&J sandwich.

3:50pm - Nancy raises an excellent point about revealing donor gamete status. We must ask ourselves: "This is my child's information. If I share this information with others, will it help or hurt my child?" Ultimately, it all comes back to your child.

3:48pm - Members of the audience agree: sharing your stories with others is a good thing. The panelists talk about creating A and B teams - who are the people who can truly support you, and you might find that one person can shift from A to B, based on life circumstances. Your best girlfriend who is your strongest A team member becomes pregnant, and now you can't relate on the same way. She moves to the B team, but she's still your support, just in a more removed way. It's nice to hear other people share that when they've opened up to others they've gotten a flood of support.

3:41pm - Best statement of the conference, from the male panelist: "There's a lot of ways you can cope, but the one thing you learn through these opportunities is, you are not alone." Good lord is that true. That folks, is why I'm blogging and advocating and volunteering. We are not alone.

3:34pm - Lynn: The whole process feels very overwhelming at the start and you're just freshmen now, but you'll be sophomores soon. It'll all make sense soon. The first panelist makes a great counterpoint: it's okay if you're not able to get to that stage, or not able to be comfortable about going to that next step. Refreshing viewpoint!

3:28pm - Nancy: "Parenting is really flying by the seat of your pants." Totally rings of Melissa's keynote speech from this morning about "Just wing it."

3:22pm - Amazing statement from the previous panelist's husband: after 2 failed IVFs, they looked at their doctor and asked, "Why should we do this?" Their doctor's response: "Because one of those eggs could be your baby." And one of those eggs became their daughter. He also spoke beautifully about how much he wanted to see his wife pregnant, to spoon in the middle of the night, feel that big round belly and feel the baby move. "There's nothing like that in the world." First of all, totally never expected to hear this from a guy, so well said. Secondly - wow. Just... wow. It's so relieving to hear someone else express the desire to be a part of that pregnancy experience, as either mother or father. Just beautiful and really moving - lots of sniffles behind me in the audience.

3:13pm - Another panelist shares the very painful recollection of when her RE told her that she was not a candidate for IVF because of her age, despite being otherwise healthy. "It was a long process to try to work through that." She discusses weighing adoption vs. egg donation and went through the loss. Ultimately, the decision for egg donor won because experiencing the pregnancy was important to she and her husband, as well as having control over the health of the child as opposed to the lack of control over maternal health via adoption. Man, this is really stirring up some emotions for me. I hate the idea of feeling selfish for wanting to experience pregnancy.

3:08pm - Awesome comment from one of the parent panelists: when she was telling her 11 year old son that she was speaking at the conference today about donor egg and donor sperm, he told her: "You should bring me in as an example, mom!"

3:05pm - Nancy Docktor and Lynn Nichols, both consultants (private practice and BostonIVF respectively) open things up with our panel of parents who have been through donor gametes.

2:59pm - Waiting for Donor Egg & Donor Sperm: Asking the Tough Questions to begin. Interestingly enough, after talking with Larry today... if we had the chance to conceive with my eggs, we'd go for it. This opens up an interesting can of worms for later, but I'll get into that in a separate post.

2:02pm - Taking a break from the sessions to check out the exhibitors. Lots of candy to give away, as well as neat swag (props to Harvard Vanguard for the pillbox keychain!) and of course, tons of great information. Also great to see Joanne from Circle+Bloom. And I had a wonderful conversation with Davina - apparently she LOVES her doc... who just happens to be the person I'm seeing next week for my second opinion. Very comforting to talk with her about her experience, as I'm nervous about the possibilities.

1:07pm - So... I just got a Volunteer Award. Um, seriously not expecting this and TOTALLY flattered and humbled. Thanks RNE ladies! Y'all rock! (And props to Lee Collins, Terri Davidson, Amy Demma, and Sandy O'Keefe for their Volunteer Awards as well!)

12:57pm - RNE Board Member and Advocacy Director Davina Fankhauser is giving out RNE's Advocacy Awards to our corporate sponsors who helped to get the Infertility Mandate updated in MA. Recipients (in alpha order): BostonIVF, Brigham & Women's, Mass General Hospital, Reproductive Science Center (and specifically Dr. Samuel Peng), and Village Pharmacy. Davina has also announced a celebration of Family Building legislation at the MA State House on Wednesday, Dec. 15th from 2-3pm.

12:15pm - Really informative session. Learned a lot about the legality and the ways in which embryo donation programs vary throughout the country. Now, time for lunch! My tummy is a rumblin'.

11:58am - Susan: Virtually all states have statutes regarding sperm donation: children created through donor sperm are the children of the recipient couple. 9 states have statutes expanding this to include both egg and embryo donation. Sadly, MA is not one of these states. Only GA and FL have laws with specific terminology regarding embryo adoption. She recommends a "belt and suspenders" approach just to make sure that your family is protected by the law, and that means approaching a judge in those 41 other states and going through the procedure to adopt your own child. An almost absurd approach, but it's the safest and broadest protection to the legality of your family and ultimately, it's a bunch of paperwork more than it is from the traditional adoption approach.

11:49am - Amy: While it's legally complex, the legality should not be a deterrent if embryo donation is the right path to family building for you. Susan: Even with known donors, get a contract. Sometimes this can even be a screening tool if someone you know isn't willing to do a contract, this might send out a red flag for the eventual legality of your future family.

11:45am - Susan: Many couples who do IVF are willing to check off the "donate my leftover embryos" prior to achieving parenthood but often change their mind after the fact when they realize that there is the potential for their children to have genetically-related siblings out there in the world. A great discussion going on about consent.

11:40am - An overview of the process: 1) Find embryos. 2) Get them screened (look up IVF records, have donors and recipients screened). 3) Homestudy - are you suitable recipients per the standards of the donation agency? And those standards vary greatly across the map. 4) Medical protocol for the transfer itself. From a mental health professional in the audience: how much does the recipient family get to know about the donor? It varies from program to program. All of the donations that Amy has been a part of have been known. The point is raised that the mental health issues that face adoptive parents are nearly the same for embryo donation recipients.

11:33am - To the African-American woman earlier: don't be discouraged as there ARE options- there are donors and embryos to be found, but just requires some digging. Amy has some great resources to refer to her.

11:28am - Just learned about PGD (Pre-implantation genetic diagnosis). Mind. BLOWN. You can take 1 cell from an 8-cell embryo and run it through hundreds of genetic tests and then you can STILL grow a healthy embryo from the remaining 7 cells. WHUT.

11:25am - Interesting screening issue: donor couple needs to be screened, but if the embryo was conceived using donor gametes, then those donors need to be screened. This of course, varies by clinic, but an important point to consider.

11:21am - "The first place you should start looking for embryo donation programs is with your own clinic." - Amy Demma. The list she started with just two years ago has grown extensively. A large portion of programs have been faith-based, but they have been expanding, as Amy's noted in a really fantastic handout packet.

11:13am - Important distinction: embryo donation is the proper term as legally, embryo "adoption" means that you don't have legal ownership of the child you've carried for 9 months until 4 days after its born (in MA, at least). A small distinction, but a legally important one. Terminology, as I've been learning in our IF journey, is vitally important. Other key definition: embryo donation is a frozen egg that has been fertilized. From a personal perspective, it's where adoption and donor egg/sperm meet. Neat.

11:07am - Survey of the room: some MA couples, 2 folks from NY, and 1 couple from NH. Important to know since laws vary from state to state. Speakers are lawyers Susan Cocklin and Amy Demma, both area lawyers specializing in infertility law.

10:57am - Waiting for the Embryo Donation session to start. Looking forward to getting some more information about a subject about which I don't really have much knowledge. Interesting side-conversation overhead: an African-American woman expresses concerns that her clinic does have embryo donation, but no African-American embryos. A point I would have never considered; even though I'm half-Japanese, I have the luxury of being able to "pass" as "white." That's why ladies like Broken Brown Egg are a vital voice in this community: the African-American perspective on infertility is often forgotten about. Whoa, got off topic here. More updates soon with the latest info re: embryo donation.


10:34am - See! I met Melissa. Here's photographic evidence :) Also, what a great conversation - everything from blogging and book writing to "the ribbon cross lady on the plane." Oh, I do hope she blogs about her b/c that was a hysterical story. Time to head off to the volunteer table - first volunteer assignment of the day coming up: being room monitor for the Embryo Donation session.

10:04am - Chatting with Melissa Ford. She is one cool lady! Discussing the virtues of self-hosting my blog.

9:07am - My husband just called me the "Infertility Engadget" with this liveblog. I'm touched and flattered. Also, the conference Twitter hashtag is #RNE10.

9:04am - Q: Is there a clearinghouse of correct information? A: Go with your gut. Case in point? The multiple times Melissa has received advice to rub yam cream on herself. Yam cream?! Wow. She also addresses the Robutussin lore: may not be scientifically backed up, but we hear about it everywhere. Ultimately? Take it back to your doctor.

8:59am - Exciting! We're opening up for question & answers. Q: Are their blogs for men? Sure ARE! (Looking for them? You can check out some of them here under "The Elusive Male Point of View."). Oh, PS? We need more male voices out there.

Q: "Can you blog anonymously?" A: Absolutely - and if you do choose to reveal your identity, great advice - don't name your doctor, don't name your clinic. (Note to self: I'm going to go back and delete some stuff.) Referencing the Justin Long fiasco. You can also "come out" on your own terms, and when you're ready.

8:54am - "Go online and find your virtual tribe." Great point about the ways in which we seek support. "Go home and start a blog." Wow, so true - that's exactly how I got started, and I know so many of you did too! Shoutout for the ALI Blogroll. "And while support won't cure infertility, it will give you refuge."

8:53am - "The only way out of infertility is through infertility."

8:52am - Best advice for life, received from her dear friend Carla when Melissa forgot the notes to her first book reading: "Just wing it." Life doesn't always go according to plan, and that pausing from life isn't an option. Don't stop living - we can't let infertility take away from living our lives. "Just wing it" is the anti-"just relax."

8:48am - "When the losses are that small that they can be hidden, what right do I have to mourn deeply?" Melissa reflects about the loss of Politics and Prose owner, Carla Cohen and ties it back to the journey of infertility. How do you share a silent experience with others?

8:45am - "Infertility: the news never comes at a good time." Um, truth sister. Sing it, Melissa!

8:41am - Lots of conference raffles... exciting! Also, here comes keynote speaker, Melissa Ford!

8:32am - Been here for a few minutes now, finally connected to the hotel WiFi AND I just met the Stirrup Queen herself, Melissa Ford! Exciting. Also, as far as I've heard - we're officially over the number of pre-registered attendees from last year... final numbers at the end of the day once we figure in walk-in attendees. Considering purchasing a 2nd copy of her book for her to sign since we still haven't unpacked our (21) boxes of books yet. Oops. Ahah, here come Rebecca Lubens, Executive Director of RESOLVE of New England and Melissa Ford... and here we go!

6:46am - And we're off! On the road to the Conference. Hope to arrive just past 8am.

General updates on life.

So I've come out of hibernation for a bit. It's that whole spring reawakening thing. I don't know how much I plan to update... the emotional release that was so vital and cathartic a year ago doesn't seem as relevant or pressing now.

Exciting updates...
Ari has a job! He starts Monday. He'll be in Georgia for most of the week for some paperwork and training, but it's a great job and an excellent fit for his goals and interests. And the money's not bad either ;)

I'm only 3 months away from being an Aunt! Otter just passed the 6-month mark. I'm helping with shower planning and am getting excited about starting some neat craft projects for Spudette (it's a girl).

We are moving! There's been some stirrings at my job and I need to switch buildings on campus. (We'd literally be moving 2 buildings over, maybe a hundred yards at best.) There's potentially a promotion happening with this as well. While the apartment would be bigger, and presumably the paychecks, I'm not thrilled. I'm actively job hunting, and looking to get out of student housing as soon as humanly possible. Mostly I just need to not work for my current boss and this institution.

Other updates...
Facing some interesting and tough choices, some of which need to be made as a couple, and others I need to wrestle with on my own. The first is whether we buy a house or start a family. The fact that we even need to consider this financially still angers me. Presumably, all couples should consider this, but a down-payment on a house and the cost to conceive or adopt are pretty much on par with one another. It boggles the fucking mind.

The other choice is a personal one: whether we go DE/IVF or adopt. And then if adoption, do we go domestic or international? *insert cash register sounds here* It's a deeply personal struggle, b/c as I've said many times before, I feel like pregnancy would be a healing experience for me. But adoption carries a pretty much 100% guarantee of a family. There are so many pros and cons for each, and I've been writing them out and pondering them a lot recently, b/c we need to make a decision and soon. I know- we're not even 30 yet, but seeing as either route can take some time, and that I wanted to have children basically AT age 30, we need to get the wheels turning.

This has probably been the most complex decision I've ever had to make. Ari is on board for whatever path I choose, but right now, the decision is pretty much up to me. He's leaning more toward adoption, and in some ways, so am I... it's just really hard to let go of an idea that has held such a grip on me, that I'd be able to just pop out a baby, donor egg or otherwise. I suppose when something's biologically hardwired into your brain, the decision to reject that notion should be frought with struggle.

So that's pretty much the state of the union. I'm still not sure what's going on with my doc (see my previous post) or when I'm starting HRT. Other good news: we should be getting a substantial refund again this year... I'm one of the few ppl that loves tax season.

So yeah. I'm back, I suppose. Lots of stuff on my mind as of late. Lots to ponder. In some ways, just barely keeping it all together but trying to do so with as much of a smile as possible.

A donor for your thoughts.

Please indicate your preference:
hair color, eye color, location, highest education received, religion, race, ethnicity, height, etc.

My future child is being determined by a basic sort formula in Excel.

. . .

Ari and I have begun to look at donors. We're not committing, by any stretch of the imagination. But at the suggestion of my therapist, it's more of an exercise in making this more real, in moving beyond grief and into action. Dr. S warned me that some couples can get really hung up on the donor selection process. After perusing a few databases online, I can see why.

It's fucking weird choosing a donor. There is no gentle, eloquent way to say that.

Sometimes I browse on my own, pick a handful here and there. Different things stick out for me: race, hair and eye color, religion (b/c a Jewish donor would make life so much easier in terms of conversion issues). Then I might read about how they're musically inclined, artistic, or well-traveled.

What the hell does a well-traveled donor have to do with who my future child will grow up to be? Very little, other than increased donor exposure to foreign illness and such, but otherwise, not so much. But it's weird how reading that lil tidbit fact about a donor suddenly makes her more attractive.

Speaking of attractive... why do I keep picking pretty donors? And when Ari picks out a donor he likes, and she's obviously quite attractive, why do a get a little pang of jealousy? Or worse, when he picks a donor I don't think is attractive, I say to myself: "Am I in that same class of women? Am I that unattractive too?" I start looking at myself through the lens of my husband, and I feel like I look like a very different person.

Choosing an egg donor opens up whole new body image wounds you didn't even know where there. I've come a LONG way in my body image issues. Am I obese? Yes, by BMI standards. Do I look it? Not really - I hide it well. I'm finally at the "I don't really care, so long as I'm not morbidly obese or generally unhealthy."  But all of a sudden, when I'm browsing profiles of women weighing in their 120s, I get very self-conscious about my extra weight.

When we went to the RESOLVE Conference in November, we went to a really helpful panel discussion on adoption vs. donor egg. There were two DE recipients there. One Japanese woman was totally focused on getting a Japanese donor. In the end, she settled for Korean, b/c it was close enough. The other woman originally looked for donors that looked like her, had the same interests, but ended up going with a woman who looks nothing like her and with totally different interests. She used the DE as an opportunity to bring new traits- physical and character- into her family. A neat concept and a brave choice.

It's a bizarre state to be in: making judgements about women I've never met, like some distorted beauty contest. Instead of a swimsuit category, I'm judging the profile pictures they chose. Instead of an interview, I'm reading detailed medical histories. Instead of the Congeniality Award, I'm reading donor statements. And do I place oddly-out-of-context-for-me judgements? Absolutely. Weird trend I've noticed: several donors I've seen have had abortions. And for some reason, this sits weirdly with me. Which is odd, b/c I'm lil Miss Pro-Choice. The whole thing is just surreal.

I'm glad we've got some time before we need to commit to anything, because choosing an egg donor is probably the strangest, most emotionally confusing thing I've ever had to do. I mean, think about it: I'm picking another woman with whom my husband will make a baby.

Fucking weird.

Brief Updates on Life

Sitting in the BWI airport, waiting to fly home. Ari's great-aunt passed away Tuesday and we drove down from MA to NJ Wednesday night and then from NJ to MD for the funeral. I have to be at work tomorrow, so I'm flying back tonight and he's driving back in the late morning tomorrow. Aunt B's funeral was really just... hauntingly beautiful and serene. My heart breaks every time I think of Uncle N: 61 beautiful years of marriage. Ari and I lived near them when we lived in MD and made it a point to visit when we could. It was not unexpected; she was given a year to live six years ago, but she declined sharply in the last 6 months. It's just very sad, and another thing I can add to the "Things That Sucked in 2009" List. It's a long list.

On a lighter note: my sister's 2nd ultrasound went well. Things are going swimmingly for Otter and her Spud. I am excited to see her at Christmas. So far, no need for an amniocentisis, and that's wonderful news given her age.

Work is... work. It's a paycheck, housing and health insurance at this point. I have come to the firm decision I will no longer be a doormat to my bully of a supervisor, and quite frankly, I'm a better person than my supervisor and will not let my supervisor win. Bullying is not a management style- it's a personality flaw, and I'm simply not going to take the passive-aggressive bullshit anymore. I'm digging in my heels and ready to fight the fight, if need be.

Ari's been applying for some more full-time work since he knows how unhappy I am at my job. He's got two apps out right now, so if you can put the good vibes out there in the universe for him, it would be much appreciated. Also... his birthday is Monday! It'll be the 12th birthday of his I've spent with him... nuts. I have some serious shopping I need to do before then :)

On the IF front... I've been much more open to the idea of adoption rather spontaneously in the last few days. Not sure why, but maybe I'm not meant to be pg. I really worry about whether or not I could successfully carry a pregnancy to term - just a weird gut feeling I've had in the last couple of weeks. As much as it would be a healing process for me, I just don't know if it's a realistic goal. DE/IVF is scary, just in terms of what you have to go through medically, and I don't know if physically, I'm really up for that. And if it failed, or worse yet, I miscarried... the emotional and financial damage could be irreparable.

I have a regular 6-week thyroid  checkup on Monday with my RE. I'm not looking forward to it. Despite the dosage increase over the last 6 weeks, symptomatically, I feel worse. I had my b/w done yesterday (with a juicy lookin bruise on my hand... I look like a junkie) and I'm not confident that the numbers will be what I hope they will (in the 2-3 range). I'm betting they'll be over 5 again. I haven't hit my sweet spot TSH level yet, and honestly, after 9 months of treatment and yo-yo-ing on Levoxyl dosages and TSH values, I'm starting to get pretty fucking impatient. Add to the fact that my doctor basically said it's useless to try and take care of anything related to my weight right now b/c of my thyroid being unstable, and well, I'm not feeling to great about my health. I'm a terribly impatient person and I might need to seek a second opinion to see if I can't move this on a faster track. At the very least, I might need to seriously reconsider again supplementing this with some TCM and acupuncture.

Well, this wasn't brief at all. I'll write more in the coming days... I've got some interesting initial thoughts and observations on the donor selection process now that we've registered with a couple of databases online. Weird stuff, man, weird.

For now, time to board. I can't wait to sleep in my own bed tonight.

Called me out.

So I'm behind a few days worth of posts, but it's been an interesting few days. Ari and I (again) had another long discussion (read: late-night argument) about this rock and a hard place location I'm in where I need to find a job that actually stimulates and fulfills me but has MA-written insurance and a decent enough salary and that if I want to transition to another job I basically need to do it yesterday because it doesn't make sense to start a new job in a year and then start IVF.

Whew, pardon the runon sentence.

This goes back to a lot of what I wrote about in my last post: stuff I need to have in place (ideally) to have kids. What really annoys me is that there are plenty of couples who end up with an oops! baby and somehow figure out how to make it work, but when you're dealing with IVF and thousands of dollars, suddenly all the t's are crossed and i's are dotted before you can get the ball rolling. Add to the mix that Ari simply isn't ready for parenthood yet and it gets... frustrating, to say the least. At the crux of the argument is that either a) I wait until he's ready and we've got our finances in order and thus, am kind of left in a state of miserable waiting or b) I rush Ari into something he's not ready for and thus he's left in a state of feeling cheated.

It's not exactly a win-win situation. And this is why last week, we were up until 2:30 in the morning, shouting, crying, demanding, bargaining, and venting. Like all good marital "discussions," it started out about one thing, but by the end, was a very different beast that brought up all the various challenges in our relationship. We had finally had enough, and Ari was exhausted and went to bed. I was still fuming, so I do what I always do when I need to get out of the house in the middle of the night: I wander around the 24-hour grocery and drug stores near us. I spent the time looking for things related to his Hanukkah gift so I could channel my energy in a more positive direction towards my husband. After I got home, I fell asleep on the couch.

Somehow I ended up back in our bed before I woke up, and we talked some more. We both had only a few hours of sleep under our belt, and Ari finally said, "If this is that important to you, then let's do it. Let's get the ball rolling and start actively looking for donors and getting everything started."

*record scratch*

I kind of mumbled "Awesome" or something to that effect and then he was out the door for a gig for his new business. At work, I could barely focus. All I could keep thinking about was "Holy shit... he really wants to start moving on this..." and that's when I realized that maybe I wasn't as 100% ready as I thought I was. My therapist had even asked me about this a few sessions back: "What would you do if Ari called you out and said he wanted to start things now?" I didn't have an answer for her then, but I sure had it right now.

After we both got home from work, we had a long conversation about all of this. What it comes down to is several factors: financially, we're just not there. He's definitely not ready, and I'm probably only about 75% ready. Insurance is a must. And basically, the entire process of selecting a donor and going through IVF in general is pretty fucking daunting, and it really intimidates the both of us. What I realized is that I've got some pretty serious issues of my own I need to work out that my various medical issues are not helping. I've got a lot of work to do for myself, and after admitting this to not just my husband, but to myself, I'm at a better place to move on emotionally.

In the end, if we're ever going to be parents we need to be partners in the process, not enemies. We reached a compromise: let's re-evaluate things in a few months once his business gets off the ground. Let's work on getting all the other ducks in a row, particularly my thyroid and weight. And while we wait, let's start looking at donor profiles- not make any decisions, but get a sense of what we're looking for, what's important to us in a donor. Just dip our toes into the process rather than diving in headfirst.

Instead of standing back-to-back, looking in different directions with different agendas, let's stand side by side, holding hands, and looking at the entire expanse of the horizon. I really just need to remember the quote we had written in our wedding programs:

"Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction." ~ Antoine de Saint Exupéry