A Snapshot of Our Infertility Journey Thus Far

Photo by Tim Regan, via Flickr.

So often I'm writing about all the big picture things in the infertility world: advocacy efforts, ranting about the media, and the like - sometimes I forget to remember that ultimately, I started this blog to chronicle our personal journey through infertility. I thought I should take a step back from all of that other stuff - though quite important - to just take a look at where we are right now.

Back before we ever knew about my diagnosis, Larry and I had talked over the Big Discussion of When We'd Have Children and decided that May 2011 would be the month we ditch the birth control and start makin' babies. How idealistic we were. It's bittersweet to know that now I can't ditch the BC if I wanted to; it serves as vital hormone replacement therapy. And, despite my best efforts to be sloppy with taking BC, I couldn't make an "accident" happen no matter how hard I tried. And believe me: I've tried this past year. What can I say: I've got a busted ovary and wishful thinking is hardly going to jumpstart it again anytime soon.

It's hard knowing this was supposed to be the month we made love with reckless abandon in hopes for a baby by our fourth wedding anniversary. It's hard knowing that my body has conspired against us. And, like every spring, it's hard feeling like the last kid picked for the team when all I see on my Facebook, Twitter, and Reader feeds are pregnancy and birth announcements, many from within this community. I am of course, happy for each and every one of them.

If you're an infertile blogger, then you know what that bittersweetness feels like: joy tinged with the faintest jealousy. You know that as happy as you are in your heart, it doesn't stop your nearly instinctual reaction to start crying, wondering, "When will it be my turn?"

Once again, I'm on the hunt to find newer blogs of folks who haven't yet resolved; I still read the folks who are moving on, but I'm finding myself in fewer alike company. When I started blogging two years ago, I watched that first batch of fellow bloggers resolve. There have been many batches of bloggers since. And I just keep writing, keeping filling this very aching void in my womb with inspired words.

What I can't create in biology I create in writing instead.

I wonder how many words I will have written before I'm able to write That Happy Ending. That Happy Ending That We Thought We'd Get to Have It All Just Like in The Movies - you know - The One Where You Marry Your High School Sweetheart and Have Your Little Soulmate Babies Together.

Our new adjusted timeline is to hopefully select a donor sometime late fall of this year, to pursue IVF with donor egg. My second opinion doc, Doc Awesome, assures me I'll be an excellent candidate for DE/IVF. Once we select a donor and go through that whole legal and donor screening rigamaroll, hopefully we'll get this baby-makin' ball rolling by December or January at the latest. And... it's only May. It's good to have a timeline in sight, but damn if the waiting doesn't get to me.

This all of course, depends on how quickly we can make our $15,000 savings goal. Believe me, I'm thankful to live in a state with the best mandated infertility treatment coverage, but of couse, donor egg is full of loopholes. Donor compensation, donor screening, agency and legal fees aren't covered, so even with my awesome mandated insurance, we're still facing $15K out of pocket. I know I should be thankful - it's remarkably less than those who have no insurance coverage, but we're not exactly Bill and Melinda Gates here. We're doing our best to pay our mortgage, our bills, fill up our gas tanks and our bellies and still somehow put some cash aside so we can build our family.

And then there's that nagging little voice: "We're actually saving $15K for a chance to build our family."

Because like everything else in this infertility journey: there's just no guarantee.

So that's where we're at: in a financial holding pattern until we save up the money. I continue to be involved with RESOLVE and RESOLVE of New England. I advocate for infertility awareness because it helps pass the time and gives me a sense of purpose and control while I wait. And the world moves ahead of us, another pregnancy announcement at a time.

I keep praying for a miracle.

As the days tick off the rest of this month, as I approach my 29th birthday next week, I keep thinking about How It Was Supposed to Have Been and How It's Very Much Not That at All Now.

And we keep waiting.