RESOLVE-ing to make a difference

I'm so excited that the RESOLVE of New England Annual Conference is in just a few weeks from now! It's amazing to me that last year, Larry and I walked in, wide-eyed, overwhelmed, and still trying to make sense of this daunting path known as infertility.

This year, I'm walking in as a volunteer and Board of Directors member, and Larry's walking in right back with me, also as a volunteer. I talk a little more about my experiences at the Annual Conference blog here and why I'm coming back this year.

I'm also officially inviting every single reader of this blog- no matter where you live- to attend this year's Annual Conference on November 6, 2010 in Marlborough, MA. I know the cost can seem like a lot, but scholarships are available. I should know: it was the only way Larry and I could afford to go last year. I'm telling you: it's totally worth it to attend this conference, if not for the vast array of information, resources, and people you'll meet, but for the sense of hope you'll walk away with at the end of the day.

7 Reasons Why You Should Come to the RESOLVE of New England Annual Conference:
1. Our keynote speaker is Melissa Ford, the ever-fabulous and award-winning author of Stirrup Queens. I'm kind of peeing my pants over the opportunity to meet her in person.

2. Plenty of information if you're considering adoption. The Annual Conference features an adoption track of sessions, including an adoptive and birth parent panel.

3. Plenty of information about IVF and donor egg. Again, a track just for donor egg sessions. We found these programs particularly informative and helpful last year.

4. Consumer access to area vendors. Clinics, adoption agencies, donor egg matching services, pharmacies that specialize in fertility drugs... there are a ton of vendors for you to connect with one-on-one. Whether you're a consumer or an industry professional, it's a great chance to network and gather resources.

5. Raffles! Because who doesn't love a good raffle?

6. New: Ask the Experts panels. Whether you've got questions about adoption, donor egg, your wonky ovaries, your wonky husband, we have a whole series of experts lined up ready to answer your questions from Reproductive Endocrinology, Acupuncture, Men's Perspectives, Nutrition, and more!

7. Come meet me! Not that I'm any kind of main attraction, but it would be awesome to meet some of you fabulous readers and followers IRL.

...So?

What are you waiting for? Register today. And if you are going, please do let me know in the comments - I'd love to meet up and grab lunch together during the Conference!

June ICLW: Elementally Speaking

Howdy! Thanks for stopping by for June's ICLW. (Learn more about the ICLW here and see how you can sign up for next month.) I've got a few previous ICLW intro posts to get you up to speed: ABC's of Me (November 2009), April 2010, and May 2010. For this month's intro, I think I'll try something a little different: looking at my life right now through the Four Elements. Intrigued?

The Four Elements of Me

Earth: What Grounds Me ~ Roots and Foundation
+ My husband, Larry: totally my rock, my love, my soulmate. We've been married for 2 and a half years. We were high school sweethearts from 1997... do the math. We've been together a long time and are still madly in love with one another.
+ My family: My mom, my papa, my sister Jasmine and her husband Neal - these are my core. Then Larry's mom, dad, and sister - just as much family as my own blood. And soon, probably sometime this week: Willow! My niece-to-be, the first grandchild, the little darling we've been waiting 9 months to meet. You can count on a post about her later this week since my sister will be induced on Friday :)
+ My faith: I'm Jewish. But I put an equal amount of faith in the goodness of humanity, the beauty that surrounds us daily we often take for granted, and in the sovereignty and power of the collective creativity of women. I ground myself by redefining the world around me, and walking forward with faithful steps in the world I've created.

Water: What Moves Me ~ Transition and Flow
+ My health: it's been in a varying state of flux. I have premature ovarian failure, diagnosed in April of 2009. I have Hashimoto's thyroiditis. I recently learned I've got degenerative arthritis in my lower spine. Oh yeah, I'm 28. Thankfully though, my thyroid appears to finally be stabilized after a year of ups and down, my my POF is being treated with HRT.
+ My job: Recently promoted.
+ My home: We are house-hunting, and hope to have a formal offer in to the seller by COB today.

Air: What Lifts Me ~ Joy and Celebration
+ Food, music, the arts, photography, flowers, Hell's Kitchen, Weeds, LOST, Radiohead, indie music, Vampire Weekend, MUSE, art house cinema, Bach Cello Suites, cooking, our trip Japan last year, camping, fishing, reading, writing, writing my book, RadioLab, The Moth, This American Life, taking the time to literally stop and smell the roses.

Fire: What Consumes Me ~ Passion and Perseverance
+ Having a family: The timeline has been pushed back significantly since we're buying a house, but we plan on adopting an infant domestically. We're skipping fertility treatments altogether.
+ My advocacy: I've recently decided that I am an health advocate, fighting for infertility treatment coverage and research. It all started with this video. The content of my blog has shifted slightly from mostly about me to more about the greater ALI blogosphere and what we can all do to be everyday advocates. I am also RESOLVE of New England's newest Board member on their Board of Directors!
+ My writing: I do it all the time. I've been keeping a journal in print or electronic form since I was in 7th grade. This blog is a continuation of that, but I'm starting to branch out to other places like Examiner.com and hopefully more paying opportunities. I'm also writing a book about my experience of converting to Judaism three years ago.

Looking forward to meeting new folks. Happy ICLW and happy commenting!

Image used with generous permission by the artist, Alida Saxon, copyright 2010.

An Overview of Adopting in Massachusetts: Part 2

The second half of this series will focus on the aspects of adoption once a match is made and the baby comes home. Part 1 of the series covering agency selection, homestudy, profile, and matching, can be found here.

Meeting with Birthparents
Once a match is made, it is encouraged that the adoptive parents and the birthparents make a connection and have a chance to meet. As we learned during the panel discussion, this might not happen before birth, as was one couple's experience. The birthmother just couldn't meet with them. It wasn't until a day after the child was born that the birthmother finally met the adoptive parents. The purpose of this is to build those memories that will be so vital to your adopted child's story later on. This is also a good chance to discuss openness, and to figure out what that means for both the birthparents and adoptive parents. As Betsy and Dale mentioned, about 75% of adoptions are semi-open and the remaining 25% fully open.

Openness
Open adoption can mean very different things to different people. For some, it means regular opportunities for the birthparents to interact with the child. For others, it might mean regular letters and pictures. Some adoption triads email. Others correspond through their agencies. Openness occurs on a continuum and it varies for every individual triad. Dale was quick to point out that open adoption is not the same as co-parenting, rather, it provides an avenue for adoptive children to learn as much of their birthfamily's story as possible and to weave it into their own personal history. Betsy talked about how it's common for adoptive parents to leave letters and photos with their individual agency, and that the birthparents may pick up these packets at their leisure, as the need to check in arises. The agency also keeps copies of all correspondence so that the child may see a record of communication between their adoptive parents and their birthparents. The key thing to remember is that openness is about information sharing, and not to take away from the validity or experience of either set of parents. It should also be interesting to note: Massachusetts has legally enforceable Open Adoption Agreements, should all parties agree to it. A successful open adoption, as Dale put it, is one where birthparents are like those extended family you don't see very often but you love very much.

Termination of Parental Rights and Legal Risk
Just to reiterate: these processes apply to birthparents local to the state of Massachusetts. Once the child is born, in the state of Massachusetts, a birthmother has 96 hours* to consent to the termination of her parental rights. Given that most normal vaginal births only require the mother and child to be hospitalized for a maximum of 48 hours and that most birthmothers do not want to take the baby home, this leaves an interesting quandary: where does the newborn go? Short-term foster-care is available for the remaining 48 hours is available, however, most birthmothers would rather the child be immediately placed with the adoptive parents. However, if an adoptive couple takes the baby home from the hospital, there are still 2 days for the birthmother to change her mind in the state of MA. This situation is called legal risk. Legal risk also includes a revocation period (if applicable in that particular state where the child is born; there is no revocation period in MA) and during the finalization period.

If the birthmother has received a good amount of counseling and a firm relationship established with the adoptive parents, it is not likely she will change her mind, but it's a real possibility. Situations could change at the last minute: a birthfamily member agrees to help raise the child, for example- and then the adoption cannot be completed. This is called a fall-through. Sadly, these do happen, so that's why it's vital to tease out everything before the birth as much as possible. This also poses a financial risk. Full-service agencies that charge a flat fee absorb the cost of the loss. Per-fee agencies will refund only what is left in the birthmother's escrow account that hasn't been paid out already; a fall-through in this situation may cost the adoptive parents anywhere from $2K-6K in lost monies.

*There are some cases where a birthmother is given more time. An adoption agency might receive a call from a social worker at the hospital, working with a woman who is in labor and has expressed in that moment she would like to create an adoption plan. Given that the agency won't have sufficient enough time to screen and match the birthmother to a waiting family, more time is given to the birthmother for her to be able to consent to termination of her rights.

When the baby is born, a birth certificate is issued in the name given by the birthmother, listing the birthmother and birthfather (if the birthmother chooses to name a birthfather). Adoptions occurring in other states have differing periods of how long a birthmother has to consent to termination of her rights.

Post-Placement Requirements
Regardless of where the baby was born, once the baby comes home with the adoptive parents, they are legally required to be supervised for the first six months after the baby is born in the state of Massachusetts. Typically, this means a social worker visits the home at months one, three, and five, and the other months are through phone check-ins. Betsy said that these visits are mostly to check in on the new parents, see how they and baby are adjusting to the newness, and to ooh and ahh and talk about the baby's latest tricks and accomplishments. Once the six-month supervised period is complete, the agency will apply for a court date to finalize the adoption. If a birthfather has been named, they will attempt to contact him to notify him of the impending adoption. Often, this is in teeny-tiny print in the legal notices section of the area newspaper where the birthmother believes conception took place.

Typically, it takes about 3 months to get a court date. The judge reviews the homestudy and all paperwork and declares the adoption finalized and legal. An adoption decree and amended birth certificate listing the adoptive parents and the child's new name are issued. The original birth certificate kind of disappears into the ether; it's held on file at the agency, but as a matter of public record, it's as if it didn't exist. In Massachusetts, the post-placement finalization process takes about 9 months from the time the child is born. It is possible, and oft times cheaper and faster, to have adoptions finalized in other states (i.e., Florida only requires 12 weeks to finalize including just two supervised visits).

An important point about naming: it is generally agreed that it is vital to the birthmother's closure process to name her child. It is up to the adoptive parents as to whether they will keep or incorporate that name, but usually, adopted children will have multiple middle names. Betsy and Dale both agreed that it's a good idea to incorporate the original name should the child go researching their birthparents and wonder, "Why did you change the name I was given?" Certainly a valid point to consider.

And... that's it!

To recap: adopting in Massachusetts consists of about 6 steps:

1. Finding an agency.
2. Completing a homestudy.
3. Completing an adoptive parent profile.
4. Making a match with birthparent(s).
5. Birthparent(s) terminating their rights.
6. Finalizing the adoption.

Top 10 Points to Remember:
1. Your vision of your child can change over time, allowing the possibility for a wider net of birthparents to see your profile.
2. After considering the wait and cost, make sure your agency is a good fit for your needs.
3. Be open and honest during the homestudy process. Just be yourself!
4. Matching is a little bit of strategy and a lot of luck and timing.
5. Openness is not co-parenting and is about sharing information over time.
6. Even if your adoption will be semi-open, it's important to establish an initial relationship with the birthmother to add to that child's family story.
7. Carefully weigh the legal risks involved at every step of the adoption process.
8. Be ethical.
9. Fall-throughs happen.
10. All of the paperwork, stress, and waiting will totally be worth it when baby comes home and the adoption is finalized.

To quote Kristen Howerton at Grown In My Heart:

"If you adopt, then you will be a real parent.
If you adopt, then you will be abundantly blessed with a child."

I hope you found this information helpful. Thank you so much to Betsy Hochberg, Dale Eldridge, and RESOLVE of New England for putting together such an informative program for prospective adoptive parents. We might be a little overwhelmed at the prospects, but we are also wildly excited about this path to family building.

Have you adopted in Massachusetts? I'd love to hear from you! Drop a line in the comments.


(Photo by Joe Green via Flickr.)

An Overview of Adopting in Massachusetts: Part 1

After a day of house-hunting (I promise I'll update this week about this new piece of news in our life), I finally have some time to post about my experience at the RESOLVE of New England Adoption Decision Making Seminar that Larry and I went to yesterday. We're pretty set on our intent to adopt an infant domestically, and boy, did we learn a lot at this seminar. I won't be able to capture all of the info from yesterday, but hope to provide a general overview of what the process will most likely be for Larry and I. There is so much information to share that I'm going to split this into 2 posts.

Larry and I were just two of about 40 people who were in attendance. The seminar was lead by Betsy Hochberg of Adoption Resources, Dale Eldridge of Adoption Choices, and Sarah Groff of MAPS Worldwide. Betsy and Dale led the conversation on domestic adoption and Sarah the portion on international adoption. At the end of the day, we listened to a panel of three recent adoptive parents: two domestic and one international.

It was an all-day seminar jam-packed with lots of information. We were certainly overwhelmed by it all; we were also both emotionally and physically exhausted from everything that went on this week and the rather dreary weather did not help. We ended out taking a long lunch and skipping the international session because a) we really want to adopt child younger than a year (the youngest children internationally are ~1 year old right now) and b) were we just zapped from the first session. Information overload, and we needed to decompress for a little bit.

We got a very thorough overview of how domestic infant adoption works here in Massachusetts. The process is pretty straightforward:

1. Find an agency.
2. Complete a homestudy.
3. Complete an adoptive parent profile.
4. Make a match with birthparent(s).
5. Birthparent(s) terminate rights and adoptive parents receive child.
6. Finalize adoption.

Looks simple, right? Oh heavens, if only it were.

Finding an Agency
In Massachusetts, adoptive parents are required to utilize a licensed, not for profit agency. MA is one of only three states that mandate this by law. At first I thought this was some racket between adoption agencies and the state, but I was reminded that these are non-profit organizations, and that this system makes sure that services are provided for the birthparent(s). We can choose from private agencies who specialize in voluntary placements or elect to pursue foster placement. Larry and I have previously discussed the latter option and we agree that private domestic infant adoption is more in line with our parenting goals, especially given our younger age.

Betsy and Dale pointed out three things to consider when choosing an agency: wait time, cost, and fit. The best way to pick an agency, they recommend, is to attend their open houses and take the time to make sure that those three things are in line with your goals. There are two types of agencies: full-service, who require a flat fee that covers everything (including an adoption fall-through) and those that pay variable fees attached to the birthparent(s). The latter carries a greater financial risk should an adoption fall-through, but the overall cost to the adoptive couple is generally cheaper.

Due to demographics, local birthparents are few and far between in MA. As such, couples often work with both their MA agency and another agency, adoption attorney, or adoption facilitator in other states where the birthparent pool is greater (think Bible Belt). Fees are split accordingly: homestudy fees for the MA agency, placement fees with the respective placing agency. All finalization and post-placement costs are paid to the MA agency. Complicated stuff.

Completing the Homestudy
The homestudy is a series of meetings between the adoptive parents and a social worker. At a statutory minimum, there are about three to four meetings, but every agency has different requirements. Most meetings will be with the couple, but there will be an individual meeting with each adoptive parent as well. The prospective adoptive couple will need to provide all sorts of paperwork: tax returns, marriage license, my name change documentation, Larry's personal business info, 3 letters of reference, and a letter from both of our doctors. We will also need to complete a full background check: sex offender, credit history, criminal background, and FBI fingerprinting clearance. The FBI fingerprinting is now a requirement for ALL domestic adoptions within the US, so it's kind of undergoing what the Passport Agency did when it changed the requirements for passport usage back in 2008: it is now inundated with requests. A normally 2-3 week clearance takes about 12 weeks now. The entire homestudy process can take anywhere from 2-3 months, and all of this is compiled into an actual homestudy document. This document will then be seen by the judge once an adoption is finalized.

Social workers aren't looking to turn down prospective adoptive parents; it's a rarity. And it's totally not fair that adoptive parents have to go through such an intensive process when parents who are able to get pregnant (naturally or otherwise) don't. The social workers completely understand the unfairness, but it doesn't change the process. As such, adoptive parents should be honest and open about what they're looking for and who they are. This is really the way that the social workers get to know the couple, and can ultimately help to determine to whom their profiles are shown. Dale went on to discuss that at her agency, the final homestudy meeting is an in-depth discussion with the couple regarding their child parameters, and what kind of child or match they could be comfortable parenting: special needs, race, birthparent(s) situation, a child of rape, a child with an unknown birthfather, etc. Heavy stuff, but a valuable conversation nonetheless.

The Adoptive Parent Profile
Part scrapbook, part autobiography, the profile is what agencies will show to birthparents, and upon which they will base a potential match. It will talk about us, our relationship, our families, our community and lifestyle. It will also include a letter to our potential birhtparent. We got some great advice from the panel on what to include. As a graphic designer and writer, I am really looking forward to creating our profile. Once the profile is complete, it will be shown to birthparents that meet our criteria.

A birthparent typically looks at about 4-6 profile books. One of the things that Dale and Betsy recommended was that our vision of our ideal child could change over time, and that the more open and flexible we could become, the greater our chances of finding a match sooner. Wait time, generally is about 12-18 months on average. I personally know of folks who've waited much less time, and we met folks who waited substantially longer at the panel. They also recommended that we set a case-by-case standard for various parameters, i.e., if we say no to any birthmother who smoked, we could be waiting longer. However, if we say we'll consider that parameter on a case-by-case basis, it gives us the flexibility to ask: how long did she smoke? What did she smoke? We have the opportunity to research the situation a little further and then make a determination. Blanket decisions on parameters generally don't work in the couple's favor.

I asked about legislation about advertising to potential birthparents, as parent-identified matches are totally doable. While we can't take out an ad in say, the Boston Globe or on CraigsList, we can certainly put our profile book online... or create an adoption specific blog. I expect once we get the ball rolling I'll be creating another blog (bringing my total up to 5- that's right, 5 blogs) for our birthparent recruitment efforts since it seems that most MA couples adopt out of state.

Adoption Matching
Birthparents come to adoption agencies in a variety of ways. Local birthparents will meet with an agency here in a face-to-face meeting and submit their medical history. The agency will provide reasonable costs and financial assistance until the child is born. They are asked what families are of interest to them: what situation would be ideal for their child? They make a hospital plan and are given extensive counseling by an agency social worker. The SW will thorough probe the birthparent about why they want to create an adoption plan for their child, and fully explore the birthparent's options.

Once all of this has been completed and the birthparents' preferences noted, the agency will pick appropriate profile books to show the birthparent. We heard stories of how the littlest, most random thing in someone's profile could inspire a match: a picture of swimming with dolphins; a picture of a relative that looked like one of the birthparents' relatives; travel to foreign countries the birthparent would want their child to see. It would seem that matching is the result of timing and luck.

With all the preliminaries out of the way, I'll save all of the "baby comes home" stage for the second part of this series. Check out An Overview of Adopting in Massachusetts: Part 2 here.

(Photo by William Whyte via Flickr.)

Adoption Decision Making Seminar

Sidebar: Thank you to everyone's condolences and sympathies for the passing of my grandmother this week. They have meant so much to me during this particularly difficult time.

RESOLVE of New England's Adoption Decision Making Seminar is this Saturday in Newtonville, MA. Check out my latest Examiner.com article for more info. I hope to do a review of the seminar first thing next week; Larry and I are really looking forward to it.

Are you considering adoption as a family building solution? Have you exhausted your fertility treatment options and are looking to explore adoption? Are your weighing the pros and cons of domestic and international adoption? The Adoption Decision Making Seminar this Saturday, June 12, 2010 in Newtonville might just be the best place to find your answers. Read the rest of the article here at Examiner.com.


(Photo by Vivian Chen via Flickr.)

The Game of L-if-E

I titled my post today thinking about LIFE, a game I didn't actually start playing until I moved in with Larry 6 years ago; I never owned the game growing up, but Larry took his set when we moved in together. We've played it maybe a dozen or so times. It's one of those game that I'm like, "Oooh, let's play LIFE!" and then I forget how much of a pain it is to setup and kind of boring to play once you get into it. But I've been thinking a lot about it in the last 24 hours, and the fact that our favorite acronym, IF (infertility) is right smack dab in the middle of it.

On our drive home from our awesome weekend in NH last night*, Larry asked me if he thought we should pay off our credit cards with the money we currently have in savings. (*General updates on life lately at the bottom of this post). If we did this, we'd have about $1500 left in savings. We've worked really hard to save what we have so far. I'm all for paying off credit cards (I managed to successfully pay off two very high interest cards with over $10K in debt with the help of a debt management plan 3 years ago), but I'm reluctant to let go of our nest egg so quickly. We rarely live on credit anymore, compared to six years ago when that's just about all we had (and thus, what caused me to nearly drive us completely into credit card debt).

Our conversation shifted to the old debate again: do we buy a child or a house? Because let's face it: adoption or DE/IVF, we're still "buying" a child. It's not a pretty thought, but it's our reality. If we were to soften it, let's say we're buying "a shot at parenthood." We then drifted our conversation into very uncharted waters: choosing to live childfree.

Advantages: not worrying so much about money (hopefully) in that our resources would not be spread across three family members; the ability to travel more; more freedom in general; buying lots of cool things because we are rather consumerist people by nature. Disadvantages: Oh... you know... that whole "not ever having kids" thing. We decided that ultimately, we feel like we'd regret not having kids together, but it was a worthwhile argument to float out there, see what that felt like for a few minutes. We gained a new found respect for some of our childfree family friends in the process, as we talked about their lives and what they're able to do as a result of being childfree.

With my current job situation all topsy turvy (it's so complicated it makes me a little nauseous thinking about it) and my desire to move out of higher ed, we're faced with having to find our own place to live for the first time in three years. We've done the renting gig before, but our first apartment experience was a rare one: we rented a condo, paid no utilities, and our rent only went up $100 over the course of three years. Did I mention this place had a washer/dryer and dishwasher in unit, free parking for two cars, allowed us to have pets with no deposit, and air conditioning? Yeah, we live in a much different rental market. Boston/Metro ain't cheap. This has been quite the wake-up call in recent weeks.

So now the question is, do we rent or buy? I don't want to keep pissing away money by renting, especially when we've managed to save so much. But we've basically got enough money to afford either a 3% down-payment on a very modestly priced home, or all of the initial payments for adoption. The problem of buying a home in MA is that if we want to live anywhere nice, convenient, or T-accessible, there's nothing under $500K. We're in the $200-300K market, and $300K is pushing it. I don't want to live in Lynn, South Boston, or Dorchester. If we buy a home, I don't want to buy a "starter home" (that term drives me insane). I want this to be the place we put down roots, which for us, is a daunting prospect considering we've lived like gypsies the past 6 years.

It's like the game of LIFE. Here's this little formula you're supposed to follow: education, career, marriage, house, kids, blah blah blah... And here's your stack of starter play money. Sadly, we don't have that starter stack of cash, and the stack that we do have we're holding onto for dear life. Spinning our brightly colored decision wheel isn't just a part of playing the game: it's a real gamble for our future. It's frustrating and disconcerting sometimes. My husband likes to remind me that this is all about opportunities but I suppose I can be a bit of a pessimist, and all I see is struggle.

I hate this feeling of inaction, of holding dice in my hand with a wide swath of possibility before me, unable to commit to anything right now, afraid to roll a wrong number and making the wrong decision.

The game of life is really the game of "if."

(Photo by Meganne Soh  via Flickr.)

General Updates:
Thanks for an awesome ICLW last week! Great to meet so many new people and add more blogs to my Reader. Sorry I've been MIA the last few days; Larry and I spent a weekend in Lake Winnipesaukee at a friend's lake house. Limited internet access left me virtually off the grid all weekend. We had an amazing time and felt refreshed and relaxed. We did a ton of fishing (I caught 14 sunfish and Larry managed to snag a 2lb smallmouth bass!) and had a great time with four of our friends. I even managed to survive a weekend with a 6 month old and two dogs ^_^ Here are some of my favorite photos from the weekend:

From Words to Voices to Faces: Researching Adoption

We've got lots of questions about adoption. The internet, the blogs, the two books we're reading- they've got answers. For Ari and I, it's getting a little overwhelming, not going to lie. Unfortunately, we can't really move forward yet until two things are figured out: 1) my job and 2) our housing. My job and housing come as a package deal, and there's some rather vague, amorphous changes happening to my job this summer that may or may not leave us with housing. *uncomfortable laugh* ha ha ha ha... I'm hoping I get some answers soon because if they do yank my housing (in lieu of a higher salary and better position title), um, we need to find a place to live.

Right, so anywho. Back to adoption. We're reading books, trolling teh intarwebs, readin' the blogs, and boy howdy, it's a lot. So we've got two things up at the pass for us to hopefully make digesting this whole adoption thing a little bit easier. At 4pm today, I'm participating in the Adoption Info Teleseminar via RESOLVE, as part of their free teleseminars this week for National Infertility Awareness Week. (Sidebar: RESOVLE's got a brand-spankin-new website and it looks AWESOME.) And on June 12, we're going to an Adoption Conference sponsored by RESOLVE of the Bay State, our local chapter. We've been to their Annual Conference, so we expect the same high caliber, in-depth material. We're really looking forward to it. I hope to blog here about my experience with the teleseminar tonight or tomorrow morning.

Other updates...

- Still pressing on with my #ProjectIF entry. No details on what I'm doing yet, but man oh man I can't wait to post it when I'm finished.
- As a result, ICLW Iron Commenter status has stalled a little bit. Trying to pick up some comment time when I can today.
- Am really proud of the healthy choices I made while out to dinner last night. I had yakisoba with veggies, suzuki sashimi (sea bass) instead of nigiri b/c I didn't want the rice since I was having noodles, and daifuku (mochi with ice cream) instead of the giant bowl of fried ice cream. Also, Boston's Chinatown is one cool place.

Gotta run... lots of work on #ProjectIF today. Are you participating?

Welcome to April's ICLW!

Hi there! If you're stopping by from ICLW, welcome and thanks for visiting. I think most of my pages and tags should be good places to get started to know a little bit more about this blog, but here's the quick and dirty reader's digest version with links to relevant blog posts to get you up to speed:

• Hi! I'm Miriam Keiko. The hubs is Ari Larry. We are so totally in love it's kind of ridiculous; we're high school sweethearts of 10+ years, only married for the last 2.5. We're Jewish, we love food, we love to travel. Oh, and we really want to be parents.
• I've got one ovary, and it's way busted (premature ovarian failure). My thyroid is also pretty busted (Hashimoto's thyroiditis). Our options, as I was told a year ago, is IVF with DE or adoption.
• Current treatments: birth control pills as hormone replacement therapy. I'm currently having my first "period" in over a year. I use the term loosely since it's really just withdrawal bleeding from skipping a couple of days of the pill. Also, I'm on Levoxyl for my thyroid. I've got a regular thyroid monitoring appointment on Thursday.
• After much ruminating, we've decided to pursue adoption! Like, literally finalized this decision a couple of weeks ago. We're still in the info gathering stages and have lots of questions. I'm definitely on the hunt for other adoption bloggers to follow.
• Next week is National Infertility Awareness Week. It's a cause near and dear to my heart.

I look forward to discovering new blogs and meeting new bloggers this week. I'm also going for Iron Commenter status, and working on What IF: Part Two, so I'm hoping to get in at least 2 posts this week, but it might be rough. Want to know more? Leave me a comment or shoot me at email (miriamshope AT gmail).

Happy commenting this week!

EDIT: In light of posting my What IF? video, I've put our real names up here and changed my "About Me" page.

A sea of questions about adoption.

It's Patriot's Day here in Massachusetts, quite possibly my favorite random statewide holiday (aka, freebie day off). Happy start of the American Revolution! It's also the running of the Boston Marathon. I can totally see a relevant metaphor between marathons and adoption, but seeing as I know next to nothing about running culture, I'll just let that metaphor pass me by...

Anywho, we've dived deep into adoption literature and websites, talking more with our families this weekend. Ari needed an eye checkup (his father is an eye doctor), so we spent the weekend with our families; I had the chance to do some serious baby shower shopping for my sister. Our parents are so excited for us. It's wonderful to have their support, and I feel constantly blessed with the amount of support we have in our lives. And I wasn't a blubbering mess picking out shower decorations- in fact, I am freakin' PUMPED to be an aunt in just a couple of months. I think now that since we're solid on our decision to adopt, so much of the uncertainty and doubt about having kids has been washed away. I've moved from pain to excitement.

You may have noticed the large new column of adoption-themed blogs to the left. Thanks to everyone and their suggestions in my last post: I found so many great resources and stories out there. With this influx of information, Ari and I are trying to stay afloat, treading uncertain and overwhelming waters. We have so many questions. Just when we think we have an answer... more questions! It's a lot to digest at once. We've been doing so much of our own soul searching, asking questions of each other and having conversations we never thought we'd have.

Here's just a small snippet of what's running through our heads:

• Race. Wow, this has been an amazing, confusing, refreshing conversation at any given point. It gets interesting because I'm half-Japanese, half-Irish(ish), so I have perhaps a more open attitude toward race. At the end of the day, our preferences are our business, but it's a mind-blowing conversation to be having just the same.
• Religion. Not knocking any Christian organizations out there, but there's a TON of support for Christian couples... haven't seen so much for Jewish couples. Obviously, we'd need to disclose our religion and in what faith our adopted child would be raised. I worry that this is actually going to limit the kind of reception we'll get from birthparents. 
• Cost. Sweet jiminy crickets. Since IF treatment is mandated in Massachusetts, the cost of treating our infertility was a lot more doable than the cost of coping with childlessness (an important distinction). Thankfully, Ari's new job is allowing us to save for the first time in a year, but we still have a lot more to go. I've been researching grants, and sadly, neither of our employers provide any adoption assistance benefits. I've also been toying with the idea of setting up an Etsy shop for some of my crafts, and of course, monetizing this blog. Our parents have also volunteered to help... I wonder is it tacky to ask our friends and family fundraiser-style? Is a PayPal "Donate Here" button on this blog too far? This arena of etiquette is completely foreign to me.
• How open? "Open" adoption can mean a lot of things. Are we a "Come over for lunch on Tuesdays" kind of family or pictures every birthday or are we just "please let us know about any medical issues as they arise for you and your family" when it comes to openness? How open is too open? How will this limit our chances to be picked by birthparents?
• Blogging. Don't worry, I'm not planning on closing this blog any time soon, but as I've browsed other adoption blogs, there are pictures of the adoptive couple, full names, contact information, detailed personal profiles with sidebar badges like "Considering adoption? Consider us!" I wonder if I'm ready to do that when the time comes, or perhaps I just create a separate blog entirely. Do I really want to share all of this with our future agency, birthparents, or even future child? I also wonder if a sidebar request like that isn't also in violation of Massachusetts law (no private advertising may be done by the couple, as independent adoptions are illegal in the state). 
• Stuff. Um, do adoptive parents get baby showers? Do we need to buy a crib before we have a home study? How does one- better yet, WHEN does one get the future child all the stuff they need?
• Cost. Did I mention we're still scrambling to figure out how we're going to afford this?

We're trying not to get too overwhelmed, but all these questions just keep coming. I'm hoping to tread water just long enough to get us to the RESOLVE of the Bay State's Adoption Conference in June. Until then, anyone have some answers or thoughts to our questions?

Calling All Adoption Bloggers!

Ari and I just keep getting more and more excited the more we think about adopting. In fact, we're downright giddy. We are also c l u e l e s s. Right now we're reading the two books below- Ari's reading the first one, I'm reading the second one. We'll swap when we're done.

I'm enjoying the Idiot's Guide; it's a great overview. But I am always desperate for more material. I've been trolling the Adoption Blogroll over at Stirrup Queens, but I'm looking to connect with other bloggers who are in the initial, pre-home study stages of their adoption process or at the very least, those who have not yet been matched or finalized.

So I'm putting the call out there, because I trust this community more than I trust Google:

What adoption blogs should I be reading and following?

Also what websites, books, videos, YouTube channels, etc. should I be looking out for?

Which resources should I stay away from?

Thank you in advance, oh wonderful and resourceful and connected ALI community!

The Big Decision: Building Our Family

I call it the "Tofu Baby Revelation." As you may remember, I had a really bizarre dream last week about my sweet dream baby turning into a block of burning tofu on the stove. Freud, eat your heart out. While it's not exactly Moses and the burning bush, after a few days of stewing it over I think I got it (with a little help from WiseGuy)...

Nursing the baby and having liquid gold instead of breastmilk represents a Golden Ideal, all I could have hoped for and more. The block of tofu could represent a lot of things. In Freemasonry (my husband's a Mason) a carved block of stone represents moral perfection (as opposed to a rough, uncut rock).  In Taoism, perhaps the tofu is representative of the Uncarved Block- the potential for creation, discovery, growth. I walked away with this interpretation: in my dream, the tofu was *still* my baby, but obviously in a very different form. The distress and grief upon realizing this transformation was not only warranted, but vital. Essentially, Ari and I will have our baby- just not in any way that we could have ever imagined, and mourning that change was necessary. 

In the days following this dream, as I rolled around interpretations in my head, my decision just hit me- it was like I just knew this was the path we would take all along. I say my decision because Ari was on board for anything, and it's been up to me for about the last 4 months.

Over the past week, I've been becoming more and more comfortable with the idea of how we plan to build our family. We've teased it out to our families and one friend: everyone is supportive and excited for us.  And in reaching this decision, I feel like a HUGE weight has lifted off my shoulders. For once in this crazy journey, things feel like they're in focus and with clarity comes relief and excitement.

Oh, but I am being coy, aren't I? ^_^

So... we've decided we're going to adopt!

*happy dance*

This is not at all how I would have imagined building a family. And I'm okay with that; this past year has been highly instrospective and I'm at a place of peace when it comes to grieving my infertility. From darkness, light: from despair- hope, commitment, action.

Like any family planning decision, especially one frought with the context of IF, there are a lot of reasons why we've chosen adoption. As much as I'd desperately like to experience pregnancy and childbirth, I've come to terms with this fact that I've got the deck stacked against me. While donor egg/IVF could potentially be successful, my Hashimoto's puts me at greater risk for miscarriage. Ari raised an excellent point, even as far back as the RESOLVE Conference we went to in November: could I really survive the mental trauma of a loss after interfility treatments?  Survive yes, but I could be irrevocably damaged in some way. I'm not saying this is the standard, I'm just saying in my experience with my own mental health, I don't think I could cope well with a loss.

And honestly? After the hormonal roller coaster I have been on for the last year, and literally seeing a balanced thryoid issue just resting on the horizon- I just don't know if I'm up for the hormonal challenge that is DE/IVF cycling. It scares me, it intimidates me, and I just don't feel connected to the idea of it anymore. Adoption is by no means any easier- but there's a whole medical element that is removed from the situation with which I am infinitely more comfortable. That being said, for those of you who are planning to or have cycled using ART: I am humbled by your courage and grace.

Adoption is for us, a guarantee. Yes, we'll have to wait. Yes, we've heard some of the horror stories. But at the end of the day, we get to come home with a child. DE/IVF was just too much of a financial and emotional gamble for us. Ari and I are poker players. Since we haven't put any money into the pot, we're not pot committed, so it's okay if we fold our hand on ART. Adoption has always been our ace in the hole. Adopting a child is also really attractive to us in that we get to help someone out. We get to add such a unique dynamic to our family story.

We still have TONS of details to figure out. Like, yanno... how the heck we actually do this!  We also need to sort out a timeline and start looking into financial planning. I think we'll probably start the ball rolling by next year, if not early 2011. Everytime I think about it, I get excited; I get this big grin to myself. Talking about it with Ari just gets me more excited.

I never once in my dreams imagined I'd adopt. And now the idea is the most exciting notion to me- I cannot wait for the adventure ahead of us.

General updates on life.

So I've come out of hibernation for a bit. It's that whole spring reawakening thing. I don't know how much I plan to update... the emotional release that was so vital and cathartic a year ago doesn't seem as relevant or pressing now.

Exciting updates...
Ari has a job! He starts Monday. He'll be in Georgia for most of the week for some paperwork and training, but it's a great job and an excellent fit for his goals and interests. And the money's not bad either ;)

I'm only 3 months away from being an Aunt! Otter just passed the 6-month mark. I'm helping with shower planning and am getting excited about starting some neat craft projects for Spudette (it's a girl).

We are moving! There's been some stirrings at my job and I need to switch buildings on campus. (We'd literally be moving 2 buildings over, maybe a hundred yards at best.) There's potentially a promotion happening with this as well. While the apartment would be bigger, and presumably the paychecks, I'm not thrilled. I'm actively job hunting, and looking to get out of student housing as soon as humanly possible. Mostly I just need to not work for my current boss and this institution.

Other updates...
Facing some interesting and tough choices, some of which need to be made as a couple, and others I need to wrestle with on my own. The first is whether we buy a house or start a family. The fact that we even need to consider this financially still angers me. Presumably, all couples should consider this, but a down-payment on a house and the cost to conceive or adopt are pretty much on par with one another. It boggles the fucking mind.

The other choice is a personal one: whether we go DE/IVF or adopt. And then if adoption, do we go domestic or international? *insert cash register sounds here* It's a deeply personal struggle, b/c as I've said many times before, I feel like pregnancy would be a healing experience for me. But adoption carries a pretty much 100% guarantee of a family. There are so many pros and cons for each, and I've been writing them out and pondering them a lot recently, b/c we need to make a decision and soon. I know- we're not even 30 yet, but seeing as either route can take some time, and that I wanted to have children basically AT age 30, we need to get the wheels turning.

This has probably been the most complex decision I've ever had to make. Ari is on board for whatever path I choose, but right now, the decision is pretty much up to me. He's leaning more toward adoption, and in some ways, so am I... it's just really hard to let go of an idea that has held such a grip on me, that I'd be able to just pop out a baby, donor egg or otherwise. I suppose when something's biologically hardwired into your brain, the decision to reject that notion should be frought with struggle.

So that's pretty much the state of the union. I'm still not sure what's going on with my doc (see my previous post) or when I'm starting HRT. Other good news: we should be getting a substantial refund again this year... I'm one of the few ppl that loves tax season.

So yeah. I'm back, I suppose. Lots of stuff on my mind as of late. Lots to ponder. In some ways, just barely keeping it all together but trying to do so with as much of a smile as possible.

Two dichotomous posts on parenting

Two quick stories I wanted to share with two interesting takes on the limits of parenthood.

1. A truly disturbing story from my current home state of Massachusetts: Mother of 9 claims she was sterilized against her will.

Savicki acknowledged that some may feel little sympathy for her situation, but cautioned against public judgment because she is a poor, unmarried mother of 9.“I would never have the right to tell anyone else ‘because you have this many kids that’s enough,’ ” she said. “That’s no one’s right to say that. It’s my choice. No one has the right to say you’ve had enough.

My quick take: Appalling, illegal, downright immoral. This story challenges us to think about the right to parent, and about basic reproductive rights.

2. A more uplifting story from CNN: 'Unadoptable' as child, man gets new parents.

John decided he was tired of spending Christmas and birthdays alone. He realized, even as an adult, that he still needed parents to provide him advice -- and compassion. He wanted a family of his own.

My quick take: Even at the age of 23, a "child" found a family. Adult adoptions are pretty rare in the U.S., but this article challenges us to reconsider our traditional definitions of family, parenthood, and a sense of belonging and human compassion for your fellow man.

Just two interesting stories I wanted to throw out there. More updates this week.

Brief Updates on Life

Sitting in the BWI airport, waiting to fly home. Ari's great-aunt passed away Tuesday and we drove down from MA to NJ Wednesday night and then from NJ to MD for the funeral. I have to be at work tomorrow, so I'm flying back tonight and he's driving back in the late morning tomorrow. Aunt B's funeral was really just... hauntingly beautiful and serene. My heart breaks every time I think of Uncle N: 61 beautiful years of marriage. Ari and I lived near them when we lived in MD and made it a point to visit when we could. It was not unexpected; she was given a year to live six years ago, but she declined sharply in the last 6 months. It's just very sad, and another thing I can add to the "Things That Sucked in 2009" List. It's a long list.

On a lighter note: my sister's 2nd ultrasound went well. Things are going swimmingly for Otter and her Spud. I am excited to see her at Christmas. So far, no need for an amniocentisis, and that's wonderful news given her age.

Work is... work. It's a paycheck, housing and health insurance at this point. I have come to the firm decision I will no longer be a doormat to my bully of a supervisor, and quite frankly, I'm a better person than my supervisor and will not let my supervisor win. Bullying is not a management style- it's a personality flaw, and I'm simply not going to take the passive-aggressive bullshit anymore. I'm digging in my heels and ready to fight the fight, if need be.

Ari's been applying for some more full-time work since he knows how unhappy I am at my job. He's got two apps out right now, so if you can put the good vibes out there in the universe for him, it would be much appreciated. Also... his birthday is Monday! It'll be the 12th birthday of his I've spent with him... nuts. I have some serious shopping I need to do before then :)

On the IF front... I've been much more open to the idea of adoption rather spontaneously in the last few days. Not sure why, but maybe I'm not meant to be pg. I really worry about whether or not I could successfully carry a pregnancy to term - just a weird gut feeling I've had in the last couple of weeks. As much as it would be a healing process for me, I just don't know if it's a realistic goal. DE/IVF is scary, just in terms of what you have to go through medically, and I don't know if physically, I'm really up for that. And if it failed, or worse yet, I miscarried... the emotional and financial damage could be irreparable.

I have a regular 6-week thyroid  checkup on Monday with my RE. I'm not looking forward to it. Despite the dosage increase over the last 6 weeks, symptomatically, I feel worse. I had my b/w done yesterday (with a juicy lookin bruise on my hand... I look like a junkie) and I'm not confident that the numbers will be what I hope they will (in the 2-3 range). I'm betting they'll be over 5 again. I haven't hit my sweet spot TSH level yet, and honestly, after 9 months of treatment and yo-yo-ing on Levoxyl dosages and TSH values, I'm starting to get pretty fucking impatient. Add to the fact that my doctor basically said it's useless to try and take care of anything related to my weight right now b/c of my thyroid being unstable, and well, I'm not feeling to great about my health. I'm a terribly impatient person and I might need to seek a second opinion to see if I can't move this on a faster track. At the very least, I might need to seriously reconsider again supplementing this with some TCM and acupuncture.

Well, this wasn't brief at all. I'll write more in the coming days... I've got some interesting initial thoughts and observations on the donor selection process now that we've registered with a couple of databases online. Weird stuff, man, weird.

For now, time to board. I can't wait to sleep in my own bed tonight.

Cross-Pollination Post: Decisions, Decisions...

I'm Cross-Pollinating today! For one day, bloggers in the ALI community swap posts without revealing who their guest blogger is as a part of Xpol. We sign up, we get matched, and agree to post the other blogger's post in our own blog without revealing their name/blog. To see all the other busy bees cross-pollinating today, click on the image above. The guest post follows below- I'm so happy to share my blogspace with someone who has such a great story to tell. Leave a comment and see if you can guess who my guest blogger is (and thus where my blog post is hiding today)!

"Decisions, Decisions..."

When Miriam and I were getting to know each other in that bloggy way – exploring each other’s sites and comparing the similarities and differences in our journeys, she suggested that I write about how hubby and I chose adoption and international adoption to be specific.

I think her request was brave. I know some people who have ALWAYS known that they wanted to adopt. It has nothing to do, for them, with any lack of fertility but with a dedication to help the children of the world. I’d love to say that I was that altruistic. I’d love to BE that altruistic. But the truth is that we only turned our thoughts towards adoption once our attempts to procreate had failed. Which doesn’t mean that we’ll love an adopted child any less than we would a biological one. But for a number of reasons – not the least is being the last of my line on my father’s side – it was very important to me that we at least TRY to genetically carry on our family lines.

Although I remember my frantic visit to Planned Parenthood for a pregnancy test after my first unprotected sexual experience (not sure why I was stupid enough to let that happen but the irony of that fear is certainly not lost on me!), by the time I reached my mid-20’s I think I KNEW that I wouldn’t get pregnant. And whether it was some genetic knowledge or a self-fulfilling prophecy, it turned out to be correct.

And with that knowledge, I had a plan. I was going to use a sperm donor if I was single and not yet a mother at 38 (coincidentally that is the age when my mother died. I’m not sure if I chose it for that reason or because I thought that would give me time to get pregnant before I turned 40 – because of COURSE it was going to work the first time. I never considered otherwise).

As it turned out, I wasn’t single at 38. But neither was I a mother, although numerous doctors had already said that they didn’t know why. But for a slew of reasons, we weren’t ready to dive into the wonderful world of IF treatments. And when we did, we met with a litany of chemical pregnancies, an early miscarriage, and a number of pointless cycles.

By the time we stopped trying this past January, I was 43. And adoption was already on the table as a concept. Unlike many couples I know, that ones who did copious amounts of research before deciding whether to pursue domestic (open? closed?) or international (what country?) we fell into our decision easily.

I think I spent all of two days looking into domestic foster-to-adoption. But two days is a lot if all you’re hearing are horror stories of children being returned to biological parents who are ill-equipped to care for them.

Domestic adoption probably got a week’s worth of attention (I have to say here though that when I research something, that something is WELL researched). The current vogue is to adopt openly. And I admit that there is a part of me that appreciates that in concept – the child is loved not only by their adoptive family but by their birth family who is active in their lives and of course, a child can never have too much love. And I applaud the decision that birth parents make when they decide that they must sacrifice their child to give them the best life possible.

But hubby and I both agree (him a little harsher than me) that giving up a child doesn’t mean getting all of the benefits with none of the work. Hubby and I will, more than likely, only have one child. We have (thankfully similar) pretty strict ideas on childrearing which mostly involve letting children BE children and not having to grow up too soon, etc. I think we’ll be stellar and very, very, fun parents who each have unique and different things to bring to our roles. We won’t be having a biological child but I still want a child who is, as much as any child can be, “ours.” Is that selfish? Perhaps. But I also truly believe that it’s less confusing for the child.

It might surprise you to know that I would actively support my one-day child’s search for their birth parents. But it won’t happen when that child is four or five. It will need to be their choice and something that they want to and are ready to undertake.

All of which made international adoption the clear choice for us. And as often happen for us, we fell easily into the choice of adoption for Bulgaria. When I began looking through the countries (as the designated family researcher), the Eastern Bloc countries were looking grim – expensive and demanding of a lot of in-country time - Guatemala and Ethiopia were mired allegations of children sold by their families or outright stolen from them. We were too old for other countries we looked at and my Jewishness was a strike in others.

Bulgaria jumped off the page at us for a few reasons. First off all, we’ve been there. Hubby is from the UK and I lived there with him for 4 years after we were married. Our first real vacation was to Bulgaria – someplace I never even thought of visiting. And we had a great time. The children who are put up for adoption there are typically Roma (more derogatorily referred to as Gypsy) with dark hair and eyes mirroring our own. For better or worse, the country’s adoption system which had come almost to a halt under an administration that preferred to see children living in orphanages than adopted to loving families oversees was being completely overhauled. The pricing is in the mid-range for international adoption and the in-country requirements are completely reasonable.

Was it the right choice? As I write this, we’re waiting for various bit and pieces of government approval so that we can submit our dossier and get on the waiting list. Adoptions are certainly moving faster than they were through last year under the old administration (in 2008 there were only 5 adoptions from the US as opposed to 298 in 2001) but there have been no referrals of “healthy” kids that anyone is aware of (that being said, what is considered unhealthy isn’t always as big an issue for those of us in countries with access to quality healthcare as it is for those in other countries).

Certainly only time will tell. At least all of those two week waits taught me some amount of patience. I’d like to say that we sweated this decision – that we poured over articles and called references and such. But while I’m ever-grateful to the internet and all of the information, and the few people on a listserv that I DID reach out to, we made this decision because in the end it just felt right. And I almost like to think that it found us and much as we found it.

Make your guess in the comments below, and feel free to share your thoughts on her story... after you make a guess, click here to be taken to their blog!