Dear Thyroid: You suck.

My appointment with Dr. G was a disaster. Despite the dosage increase, symptomatically, I've felt the worst I've felt so far (horrendous brain fog, lethargy, sleepiness, coldness in hands and feet - the usual). And yet the numbers say the inverse: my TSH was 0.024 - well in the hyperthyroid range. This is apparently common for folks with Hashi's - they can yo-yo between hypo- and hyperthyroid. Given the random spurts of racing heart rates and palpitations over the last month, and the recent crazy bouts of insomnia I'm dealing with, I knew this was going to happen. I have all the classic signs of a "thyroiditis flare up."

Basically, my thyroid is losing its damn mind, as indicated by the graph below. My TSH levels are in blue:

Dr. G has again prescribed a dosage increase (up to 137 mcg now) and has moved me to Synthroid instead of Levoxyl. The difference between the drugs is minimal, but perhaps my body might prefer one over another. It's like the difference between a Honda and a Toyota - they're both good Japanese cars, but some people just like one over the other (for the record, I'm a Honda girl and Ari is a Toyota boy).

My T3 has also been steadily climbing with each dosage adjustment. I need to go back and do some basic primer reading on T3 and T4 levels and what the hell they mean, b/c I just can't remember. This thyroid stuff is complicated and confusing.

I thought that perhaps Dr. G is moving a bit too conservatively, so I thought by telling a little white lie I might move things along more aggressively. I mentioned that Ari and I were earnestly moving forward with DE/IVF in the next six months (really, prolly not for another year), so let's get my body in shape to make that happen. The most aggressive thing he did was send me to the lab for 5 vials of blood and tons of bloodwork: vitamin D, folic acid, estrogen & progesterone (I think), cholesterol, hemoglobin A1C (glucose over time), and a host of other tests. I spent a half hour in the lab, b/c once again, my notorious thin/spongey/rolling veins played their little games and it took 3 sticks, 2 cups of water, and lots of fist pumping and overly tight tourniquets to be able to actually fill any of the 5 vials needed. It didn't help that the phlebotomist slipped when undoing the tourniquet and pulling out the needle and missed hitting the puncture wound with the gauze, sending a spurt of blood high into the air and almost all over my shirt (it did get all over my arm, her glove, and the tourniquet itself). I almost hit the floor - I just don't do blood, my own or otherwise.

It's been 8 months and I have little to show for it - I'm the heaviest I've ever been in my life, I feel miserable, and oh yeah, can't have my own kids. I hate feeling like a prisoner in my own body. I hate knowing that I used to be 118 lbs just 9 years ago, could do a two-hour performance singing and dancing with only a minor asthma attack afterward, and I looked good. I looked healthy. My periods were regular, albeit artificial with birth control, and my sex drive was almost criminal.

Cut to me now: 186 lbs (I only gained a pound since my last appointment, but I just feel a lot heavier), wheezing just going up a flight of stairs, not to mention the joint pain in my knees (another side effect of Hashi's - joint paint), and the worst acne of my life, a generally puffy face in addition to my double chin (another Hashi's side effect), premature ovarian failure, and a sex drive that comes and goes, and never with any great fanfare. It's practically a passing thought that I try to actually respond to once in a while.

I hate knowing that I could do so much more if I just had the energy, if I just had a body that would cooperate with me for more than a couple of weeks at a time. I hate getting stuck with needle after needle, praying that maybe this time- this time-  my TSH will be in the optimal range and I can stick with one dosage for more than 6 weeks at a time. I hate feeling physically a lot older than 27. I hate looking in the mirror at myself and thinking, Miriam, what the fuck happened to you in the last decade? Where did that spunky spry go-get-em girl disappear to?

While I'm still coping with infertility, realistically, my bigger issue right now is my thyroid. I desperately need to find some Hashimoto's or Hashi's w/POF blogs out there. If anyone has any recommendations, I'd love them. It's so frustrating to know that I can't even begin to address any of the infertility until my thyroid chills the fuck out... I told Ari at lunch today, it almost seems like we should just start the adoption process now b/c I'm sure that will move faster than trying to get my body ready for IVF.

I'm tired of feeling like everything in my life is perpetually on hold right now.