This week's Torah portion, Eikev. A good chunk of Jewish theology can be found in these quick chapters in Deuteronomy: the V'ahavta, the concept of welcoming strangers. The overarching theme is love, from a very parental aspect.
This weekend was supposed to be my last weekend before the shit hit the fan at work as we gear up for the opening of the University. I have several weeks of training ahead of me- long days, lots of time away from home. I was planning to relax, take things slow, but instead we drove 5.5 hours south to spend time with his family.
Ari's grandmother is dying.
I have never witnessed anything like this in my life before, and nothing can prepare you for the gamut of emotions of watching someone literally just slip away in front of your eyes.
As we left her, she was sleeping. The shallow, rapid breathing- a strange punctuation like an ellipses to an inevitable ending. She is in and out of lucidity. She's in hospice care, and only has oxygen at this point. As we left tonight, Ari's parents believe it's a matter of hours really.
My heart is breaking to have to drive back tonight- I have to be in at 8am tomorrow. Of course, barring the course of events over the next week, I'll be on the first plane back home. But for now, we drive back, b/c there's not much else to be done.
This weekend has been filled with symbols and portents of death: playing poker with 4's all over the place, an absolutely awful car accident I passed where I actually saw a body covered with a sheet, an out of place crow at the mall parking lot, cawing ominously.
...
EDIT: Post resumed at 1:16pm, 8/10/09. I have had 2 hours of sleep to my name, and am on my 3rd cup of coffee. I'm jittery, I'm exhausted, I'm miserable, and I'm trying desperately to give a damn about my work. It is a stretch.
Ari's grandmother is still deteriorating. We were all convinced that last night would be it, but by 10pm, there wasn't progress one way or the other, so we made the call to drive back to Boston from NJ. I have been doing a lot of writing in the last 48 hours- scribbled in margins, in spare notebooks, in various Word files. It has been my sole coping mechanism.
Like my blog description says: writing it all out, one day at a time.
Nan has been a grandmother to me, and there is nothing that can prepare you for literally watching a person die. Aside from the onslaught of confrontations with my own sense of mortality, this is fascinating, sad, taxing, and overwhelming.
Ari and I are officially writing off 2009. Aside from our trip to Japan coming up in October, and our awesome vacay in California in January, I am done with 2009.
B/c I really can't take much more.
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
August 9, 2009
July 8, 2009
Hannah wept: A(nother) Sad Realization
I live at the college campus where I work. My commute consists of exiting my building, walking through the Arts building, and then entering the building where I work. This morning, as I have for the last couple of weeks, I've waded through a herd of 7-10 year old summer music theatre campers.
The thought process started like this: At what point do you start sending your kids to camp for the summer? Wouldn't you just want to keep them home all summer? Oh right, not if you're working 9-5 like most folks. I wonder at what age you start cultivating hobbies for children? How do you do that? Do you just say, "Hey Johnny, want to learn to play the piano?" What about voice lessons? Voice is an easily manageable hobby and requires no instrument purchase, just the cost of lessons.
And besides, any child we have will have an amazing voice like I -
Well, actually, they probably won't. The voice that I got from my grandmother is not something that will most likely get passed on, since DE seems to be our best chances for children.
Add this to the list of things that won't get passed on: my unusually soft skin, my smile, my eyes... Similarly, at least they won't get thyroid problems, fertility issues, predisposition for heart disease and diabetes, my awful myopia. And I know that it's not about what kids look like, or sound like, but how they grow and develop and are nurtured.
Still, that hit me like a ton of bricks on my walk in to work this morning.
Edited to add: showed this post to Ari. His reply? "Sorry, honey. Look at it this way, at least they can probably still get MY predisposition for heart disease, diabetes, and bad eyes." And this is why I love my husband :)
The thought process started like this: At what point do you start sending your kids to camp for the summer? Wouldn't you just want to keep them home all summer? Oh right, not if you're working 9-5 like most folks. I wonder at what age you start cultivating hobbies for children? How do you do that? Do you just say, "Hey Johnny, want to learn to play the piano?" What about voice lessons? Voice is an easily manageable hobby and requires no instrument purchase, just the cost of lessons.
And besides, any child we have will have an amazing voice like I -
Well, actually, they probably won't. The voice that I got from my grandmother is not something that will most likely get passed on, since DE seems to be our best chances for children.
Add this to the list of things that won't get passed on: my unusually soft skin, my smile, my eyes... Similarly, at least they won't get thyroid problems, fertility issues, predisposition for heart disease and diabetes, my awful myopia. And I know that it's not about what kids look like, or sound like, but how they grow and develop and are nurtured.
Still, that hit me like a ton of bricks on my walk in to work this morning.
Edited to add: showed this post to Ari. His reply? "Sorry, honey. Look at it this way, at least they can probably still get MY predisposition for heart disease, diabetes, and bad eyes." And this is why I love my husband :)
June 9, 2009
Quick Updates: Mom is A-OK
Thank GOD.
Medical stress test and cardio catheters revealed no blockages. Elevated cardiac enzymes may not actually have indicated a heart attack, but rather a result of her crazy high blood pressure (240/180) on Thursday morning. She has to meet with the hospital's endo before she can be released, but it looks like she should be out late afternoon/early evening today. I think our whole family was pretty spooked by everything that's happened the last few days, but my Mom seems to be doing well. Just waiting for the final OK from the dr's so she can be released.
Thanks again for all the thoughts and well wishes.
---
On the IF front: not much new here. I've started my 75mcg dose of Levoxyl... not sure how that's working out for me yet. I've been getting over a cold, and with my Mom in the hopsital, I was super stressed, so I've felt extra tired than normal. I finally feel like I'm 99% over my cold, so that's a relief.
Trying to light the fire under my ass to get in shape, lose weight, and get generally healthy so when and if a baby happens in the next year, I'm not huffing and puffing a la Fatty McGee.
My current hw assignment from Ari? Find a physical activity I can do 3-4 times a week that I enjoy. I started by walking my school's track with a friend last night. The conversation and movement really helped my mood, so I'm hoping to stick with that.
---
On the everything else front: Ari is still looking for a job, has a good lead about 2.5 hours away from where we are now... thankfully, it's mostly telecommute. So, fingers crossed on how that goes.
We're going camping this weekend- first camping of the season! It'll be nice to dust off the old Fort. (We call it a fort b/c it's a HUGE 4-person tent... for just the two of us. It has its own vestibule. It's a lil ridiculous, but we love it.)
I treated myself to a purchase of the full-size Bath and Body Works Japanese Cherry Blossom bath gel. I used it last night, and it smells divine. I think I will use the birthday money I got from my Mom last month to treat myself to some new pants.
I need to reschedule the birthday massage that Ari got me, since I went to NJ this weekend. I'm thinking maybe one night this week after work... we'll see.
Medical stress test and cardio catheters revealed no blockages. Elevated cardiac enzymes may not actually have indicated a heart attack, but rather a result of her crazy high blood pressure (240/180) on Thursday morning. She has to meet with the hospital's endo before she can be released, but it looks like she should be out late afternoon/early evening today. I think our whole family was pretty spooked by everything that's happened the last few days, but my Mom seems to be doing well. Just waiting for the final OK from the dr's so she can be released.
Thanks again for all the thoughts and well wishes.
---
On the IF front: not much new here. I've started my 75mcg dose of Levoxyl... not sure how that's working out for me yet. I've been getting over a cold, and with my Mom in the hopsital, I was super stressed, so I've felt extra tired than normal. I finally feel like I'm 99% over my cold, so that's a relief.
Trying to light the fire under my ass to get in shape, lose weight, and get generally healthy so when and if a baby happens in the next year, I'm not huffing and puffing a la Fatty McGee.
My current hw assignment from Ari? Find a physical activity I can do 3-4 times a week that I enjoy. I started by walking my school's track with a friend last night. The conversation and movement really helped my mood, so I'm hoping to stick with that.
---
On the everything else front: Ari is still looking for a job, has a good lead about 2.5 hours away from where we are now... thankfully, it's mostly telecommute. So, fingers crossed on how that goes.
We're going camping this weekend- first camping of the season! It'll be nice to dust off the old Fort. (We call it a fort b/c it's a HUGE 4-person tent... for just the two of us. It has its own vestibule. It's a lil ridiculous, but we love it.)
I treated myself to a purchase of the full-size Bath and Body Works Japanese Cherry Blossom bath gel. I used it last night, and it smells divine. I think I will use the birthday money I got from my Mom last month to treat myself to some new pants.
I need to reschedule the birthday massage that Ari got me, since I went to NJ this weekend. I'm thinking maybe one night this week after work... we'll see.
June 5, 2009
UPs and Downs
Today has been a crazy day. Productive morning at work followed by a Friday afternoon slump. Ari and I planned a movie date night for tonight, so I bought tickets to see UP. I booked a fantastic hotel for a conference I'm going to at the end of June; I was nervous using Hotwire but ended up getting a really swanky hotel room for only $79/night and just 2 blocks from the Convention Center.
At about 4:30, my dad calls me to let me know that my mom had a mild heart attack yesterday. I knew she was hospitalized yesterday for crazy high blood pressure, but her b/w today revealed some elevated cardiac enzymes indicating she actually had a heart attack. She's stable and doing otherwise well. She has a cathederization procedure scheduled for Monday that she's terrified for; I am too. She has some other issues like diabetes on top of it all, and this whole thing is just nuts. Ari and I are headed to NJ to keep my dad company this weekend.
It's official: I am writing off 2009 entirely. B/c when it rains, it fucking pours, apparently.
Please keep my mom and family in your thoughts this weekend, especially Monday.
. . .
So, I knew UP was going to feature some IF-related imagery and storytelling in the opening sequence, as first noted by Coming2Terms here and also by Mel over at LFCA under "Movie Warning." I knew it was going to be in the film, and Ari also read that UP has some generally emotional scenes (but didn't know one was IF-related) and it still just wrenches your heart to watch it on screen.
The film is really quite poignant and sensitive to the devastating nature of pregnancy loss, but to see it in a PG-rated animated film is jarring just the same. The first 4 minutes of the film are an emotional rollercoaster that paints the picture of IF so clearly, and the theme is reiterated throughout the film: sometimes, life just doesn't work out as planned. The beginning of the film tells the story of Carl and Ellie, how they meet, fall in love, get married, find out they can't have children and/or suffer a devastating pregnancy loss (it's not exactly explained in depth, but it's crystal clear), and move on with their lives, living childfree into their old age. And while you're still left reeling from the OB/GYN office scene, BAM! Ellie's funeral. Yeah, first four minutes of the movie. I was a wreck. (To be fair, so were a large portion of adults in the audience, too.) It's beautiful, touching, and the storytelling is just so well crafted. The rest of the film concentrates on Carl in his old age for one last big adventure. Hilarity and poignancy ensues.
There's some pretty heavy-hitting themes throughout the film: love, death/loss, dealing with old age, living childfree or parentless, destruction of childhood hero figures... it's got the works. If any of you are on any kind of hormonal treatment and plan to see this... seriously bring tissues, b/c if you're not waterworks in the beginning, you will be quite unexpectedly later on in the film.
I particularly liked, in the 4-minute life story montage, when Carl and Ellie are watching the clouds, and Carl points out one that looks like a baby, to which Ellie agrees. Then ALL the clouds look like babies. Why I like it: 1) That it was the husband that seems to want a child first and that 2) When you are clucky and want a baby, it's all you see and can think about. Really, really well done Pixar. I seriously think UP should win Best Picture next year, it's that good.
. . .
Saturday, June 6th, 12:30pm - In NJ. Going to see my mom in a bit. Seems to be in good condition with a good prognosis, according to my dad. It feels good to be home again.
At about 4:30, my dad calls me to let me know that my mom had a mild heart attack yesterday. I knew she was hospitalized yesterday for crazy high blood pressure, but her b/w today revealed some elevated cardiac enzymes indicating she actually had a heart attack. She's stable and doing otherwise well. She has a cathederization procedure scheduled for Monday that she's terrified for; I am too. She has some other issues like diabetes on top of it all, and this whole thing is just nuts. Ari and I are headed to NJ to keep my dad company this weekend.
It's official: I am writing off 2009 entirely. B/c when it rains, it fucking pours, apparently.
Please keep my mom and family in your thoughts this weekend, especially Monday.
. . .
So, I knew UP was going to feature some IF-related imagery and storytelling in the opening sequence, as first noted by Coming2Terms here and also by Mel over at LFCA under "Movie Warning." I knew it was going to be in the film, and Ari also read that UP has some generally emotional scenes (but didn't know one was IF-related) and it still just wrenches your heart to watch it on screen.
↓↓↓ UP Spoiler Alert: Stop reading now to avoid spoilers. ↓↓↓
The film is really quite poignant and sensitive to the devastating nature of pregnancy loss, but to see it in a PG-rated animated film is jarring just the same. The first 4 minutes of the film are an emotional rollercoaster that paints the picture of IF so clearly, and the theme is reiterated throughout the film: sometimes, life just doesn't work out as planned. The beginning of the film tells the story of Carl and Ellie, how they meet, fall in love, get married, find out they can't have children and/or suffer a devastating pregnancy loss (it's not exactly explained in depth, but it's crystal clear), and move on with their lives, living childfree into their old age. And while you're still left reeling from the OB/GYN office scene, BAM! Ellie's funeral. Yeah, first four minutes of the movie. I was a wreck. (To be fair, so were a large portion of adults in the audience, too.) It's beautiful, touching, and the storytelling is just so well crafted. The rest of the film concentrates on Carl in his old age for one last big adventure. Hilarity and poignancy ensues.
There's some pretty heavy-hitting themes throughout the film: love, death/loss, dealing with old age, living childfree or parentless, destruction of childhood hero figures... it's got the works. If any of you are on any kind of hormonal treatment and plan to see this... seriously bring tissues, b/c if you're not waterworks in the beginning, you will be quite unexpectedly later on in the film.
I particularly liked, in the 4-minute life story montage, when Carl and Ellie are watching the clouds, and Carl points out one that looks like a baby, to which Ellie agrees. Then ALL the clouds look like babies. Why I like it: 1) That it was the husband that seems to want a child first and that 2) When you are clucky and want a baby, it's all you see and can think about. Really, really well done Pixar. I seriously think UP should win Best Picture next year, it's that good.
. . .
Saturday, June 6th, 12:30pm - In NJ. Going to see my mom in a bit. Seems to be in good condition with a good prognosis, according to my dad. It feels good to be home again.
June 1, 2009
Choose Your Own Adventure
If you want to try to have your own genetic child, turn to page 6.
If you want to recruit a donor for donor eggs, turn to page 12.
If you want to adopt a child, turn to page 30.
---
I've been mulling over how to write this entry since Friday's doctor's appointment, and this title seemed to be the most fitting. I won't try to spin this post with emotion one way or the other, but rather lay everything out as it's been laid out to us.
I've been diagnosed officially with Hashimoto's thyroiditis. My Premature Ovarian Failure is likely not reversible. There is anecdotal evidence (read: less than 1%) to suggest I may conceive naturally using hormonal birth control (HBC) to suppress gonadotropin receptor antibodies long enough to jumpstart my ovary into producing its own eggs. (My FIL compared it to giving a car a jump whereas I compared it to licking a 9-volt battery). Dr. Gross is doubtful, based on my numbers, that I have any follicles left to create eggs at this point, but HBC is low-cost and least-invasive enough to warrant giving it a try. Clomid wouldn't work- it would be like putting Rogaine on a scalp that has no hair follicles left. You can't grow hair where there aren't follicles; the same can be said of eggs.
Next steps:
So, right now, we're just trying to remain positive and hopeful for that longshot chance in January/February 2010. I have a lot of work to do to get myself in shape. It feels strangely calming to be in a place where I finally know my options solidly and have a rough gameplan in place. Yet, the prospects for the future are still daunting.
This just really... sucks. It really does. We're both sad, relieved, tired, and overwhelmed. So there it all is, laid out like a Choose Your Own Adventure novel. If only picking a page was so simple.
Edited to add: Thanks to whoever mentioned this over at the LFCA! The support has meant so much and has really brightened my day! :)
If you want to recruit a donor for donor eggs, turn to page 12.
If you want to adopt a child, turn to page 30.
---
I've been mulling over how to write this entry since Friday's doctor's appointment, and this title seemed to be the most fitting. I won't try to spin this post with emotion one way or the other, but rather lay everything out as it's been laid out to us.
I've been diagnosed officially with Hashimoto's thyroiditis. My Premature Ovarian Failure is likely not reversible. There is anecdotal evidence (read: less than 1%) to suggest I may conceive naturally using hormonal birth control (HBC) to suppress gonadotropin receptor antibodies long enough to jumpstart my ovary into producing its own eggs. (My FIL compared it to giving a car a jump whereas I compared it to licking a 9-volt battery). Dr. Gross is doubtful, based on my numbers, that I have any follicles left to create eggs at this point, but HBC is low-cost and least-invasive enough to warrant giving it a try. Clomid wouldn't work- it would be like putting Rogaine on a scalp that has no hair follicles left. You can't grow hair where there aren't follicles; the same can be said of eggs.
Next steps:
- Thyroid dosage adjustment. Going from 88mcg to 77mcg. My current dosage/brand are quite potent and have thrown me into the hyperthyroid range blood test result-wise, but symptomatically, I'm still presenting severe hypothyroidic. This is because the Levoxyl, which is synthetic T4, is not being converted into enough free-T3 in my body. So on paper, I look like I'm hyperthyroid, when in fact, it's the reverse. This is apparently fairly common with Hashi's.
- Pelvic/uterine ultrasound. Scheduled for Thursday; just want to make sure that my remaining ovary looks normal, and there are no uterine abnormalities.
- Semen analysis. We need to make sure everything is a go on Arieh's end.
- Wait 6 weeks and retest thyroid levels. There is a chance I may need to top off my meds with some T3 in addition to the Levoxyl (T4). Then begin...
- Birth control treatment. Oddly enough, I would use birth control as a way to jumpstart my ovary into releasing it's own eggs. 6 months on starting July/August, stop, and wait to see what happens. In essence, we would begin TTC early 2010, a full year and a half earlier than we had planned on, but it's essentially our last shot to have children genetically related to me.
So, right now, we're just trying to remain positive and hopeful for that longshot chance in January/February 2010. I have a lot of work to do to get myself in shape. It feels strangely calming to be in a place where I finally know my options solidly and have a rough gameplan in place. Yet, the prospects for the future are still daunting.
This just really... sucks. It really does. We're both sad, relieved, tired, and overwhelmed. So there it all is, laid out like a Choose Your Own Adventure novel. If only picking a page was so simple.
Edited to add: Thanks to whoever mentioned this over at the LFCA! The support has meant so much and has really brightened my day! :)
May 9, 2009
thoughts from the red line train
@ porter sq, a young father with a little blond haired blue eyed boy no more than three years old. the father is one of those young geeky types: trim build, spikey hair, thin wire glasses.
the boy, all smiles in the high end stroller. the father sits, begins doting and chatting to his son.
a bouquet of a dozen red roses and baby's breath in the under-stroller storage area. a "happy mother's day" decorative wand in the middle of the velvety red blooms. from the stroller handle dangles a pink and orange striped gift bag, the word MOM across the front. the O is a decorative paper daisy with a button in the center.
@ harvard sq, an old man sits next to them, complimenting the mid-30s father on his sweet boy. they chat casually, a sideways conversation to each other, all the while looking continuously at the smiling boy. i can't make out what they're saying; i'm listening to ludakris on my ipod.
@ central, they leave. the old man scoots into the still warm seat.
@ charles mgh, i glance at the night-lit boston skyline along the charles. the day i stop craning my neck towards this serene view is the day i know it's time to leave boston.
the boy, all smiles in the high end stroller. the father sits, begins doting and chatting to his son.
a bouquet of a dozen red roses and baby's breath in the under-stroller storage area. a "happy mother's day" decorative wand in the middle of the velvety red blooms. from the stroller handle dangles a pink and orange striped gift bag, the word MOM across the front. the O is a decorative paper daisy with a button in the center.
@ harvard sq, an old man sits next to them, complimenting the mid-30s father on his sweet boy. they chat casually, a sideways conversation to each other, all the while looking continuously at the smiling boy. i can't make out what they're saying; i'm listening to ludakris on my ipod.
@ central, they leave. the old man scoots into the still warm seat.
@ charles mgh, i glance at the night-lit boston skyline along the charles. the day i stop craning my neck towards this serene view is the day i know it's time to leave boston.
April 10, 2009
Made the Blogroll!
Thanks much to Melissa over at Stirrup Queens! I just made the IF blogroll over there, so I'm looking forward to lots more clickers :) SQ has been so helpful in finding other experiences and stories similar to my own, so I hope my story here can also help others out there.
Also- we're home-home now with family for Passover. It has already felt awesome to see both of our families. I feel much more comforted, relaxed, relieved. I feel like I can let go of this big breath I've been holding for the last couple of weeks. I feel a little more back to center.
Chag Sameach folks.
Also- we're home-home now with family for Passover. It has already felt awesome to see both of our families. I feel much more comforted, relaxed, relieved. I feel like I can let go of this big breath I've been holding for the last couple of weeks. I feel a little more back to center.
Chag Sameach folks.
April 7, 2009
Happy Passover!
Fascinating post on BlogHer: The Perfect Storm of Holidays: Infertile at Pesach (found via her blog, Stirrup Queens*). Got me thinking about religion, faith, and the Jewish perspective.
Passover starts tonight at sundown. Last night A and I had a really long, thoughtful discussion on faith and God. Initially, I didn't want to celebrate Passover, which, for the most part to me, is attending 1-2 seders and keeping KFP for the week (kosher for Passover). But I've realized over the last week or so, that one of the things I love so much about Passover is that it brings together family, and instead of turning away from the ritual aspects of the holiday, I can instead try and find meaning.
The linked post talks about how Pesach is so enveloped in the idea of children, but I disagree in that it is solely about children- for me, it's about more than children- it's all about family. Since I wasn't born Jewish but rather converted (2 years ago on April 20th!), we only usually have 1 family seder with A's parents. And literally, 9 times out of 10 (b/c I think I've been to at least 10 seders at his parents' house), there are usually no children. The only time I can think of is literally once, and she was maybe 9 years old and unrelated to the family anyway. Add to the fact that I'm open about the IF issue with both of our families, and I'd like to think I've dodged the "So, when are you having kids?" bullet.
Passover tells the story of the Exodus: the Jews are freed from Mitzraim (Egypt), wander around lost for a little bit (read: 40 years) and find God (that whole Mt. Sinai thing). What a great parable for anyone coping with infertility, even the non-religious. Look at the metaphor of "Exodus > 40 years in the desert > Mt. Sinai" as "Diagnosis > Coping > Coming Out a Stronger Person" somehow. To simplify it is not to invalidate the gravity of IF or the profundity of Exodus, but rather to draw a parallel meaning. Thus, re-contextualizing the way I look at the practice of ritual right now allows me to find that meaning, that guidance that I still feel a bit raw over in approaching God directly. Perhaps this Passover marks my Exodus out of a question of faith and toward my Mt. Sinai of accepting God, and thus, this situation (b/c all the Jews at Mt. Sinai chose to accept the 10 Commandments- interesting sidenote here. The Torah was given, but it was up to the free will of each person to accept the Torah).
I'm not dreading Passover. I was this past weekend, but really, I have no reason to. I'll be surrounded by family that loves and cares for us, and thankfully, I shouldn't be around too many wee ones. And if I am, I'll manage. I'm really looking forward to spending the time with family. I think A and I could really use it, especially since this will be the first time we're seeing them since my Dx.
This post has gone on long enough, but I have a whole other post to do re: the Infertile Matriarchs.
*PS... Stirrup Queens is one hell of a resource when it comes to finding other blogs out there about IF. If you haven't checked her out, and are looking for other women, couples, and *gasp!* the elusive male point-of-view, I suggest checking it out.
Passover starts tonight at sundown. Last night A and I had a really long, thoughtful discussion on faith and God. Initially, I didn't want to celebrate Passover, which, for the most part to me, is attending 1-2 seders and keeping KFP for the week (kosher for Passover). But I've realized over the last week or so, that one of the things I love so much about Passover is that it brings together family, and instead of turning away from the ritual aspects of the holiday, I can instead try and find meaning.
The linked post talks about how Pesach is so enveloped in the idea of children, but I disagree in that it is solely about children- for me, it's about more than children- it's all about family. Since I wasn't born Jewish but rather converted (2 years ago on April 20th!), we only usually have 1 family seder with A's parents. And literally, 9 times out of 10 (b/c I think I've been to at least 10 seders at his parents' house), there are usually no children. The only time I can think of is literally once, and she was maybe 9 years old and unrelated to the family anyway. Add to the fact that I'm open about the IF issue with both of our families, and I'd like to think I've dodged the "So, when are you having kids?" bullet.
Passover tells the story of the Exodus: the Jews are freed from Mitzraim (Egypt), wander around lost for a little bit (read: 40 years) and find God (that whole Mt. Sinai thing). What a great parable for anyone coping with infertility, even the non-religious. Look at the metaphor of "Exodus > 40 years in the desert > Mt. Sinai" as "Diagnosis > Coping > Coming Out a Stronger Person" somehow. To simplify it is not to invalidate the gravity of IF or the profundity of Exodus, but rather to draw a parallel meaning. Thus, re-contextualizing the way I look at the practice of ritual right now allows me to find that meaning, that guidance that I still feel a bit raw over in approaching God directly. Perhaps this Passover marks my Exodus out of a question of faith and toward my Mt. Sinai of accepting God, and thus, this situation (b/c all the Jews at Mt. Sinai chose to accept the 10 Commandments- interesting sidenote here. The Torah was given, but it was up to the free will of each person to accept the Torah).
I'm not dreading Passover. I was this past weekend, but really, I have no reason to. I'll be surrounded by family that loves and cares for us, and thankfully, I shouldn't be around too many wee ones. And if I am, I'll manage. I'm really looking forward to spending the time with family. I think A and I could really use it, especially since this will be the first time we're seeing them since my Dx.
This post has gone on long enough, but I have a whole other post to do re: the Infertile Matriarchs.
*PS... Stirrup Queens is one hell of a resource when it comes to finding other blogs out there about IF. If you haven't checked her out, and are looking for other women, couples, and *gasp!* the elusive male point-of-view, I suggest checking it out.
April 5, 2009
My Initial Emotional Response (so far)
Finding out that you probably won't be able to have your own children is such a devastating blow. I remember feeling like there's no way this could be really happening to me for the first couple of days after I found out. Since 3/18, I've been through a lot emotionally. Add to the fact that my husband also just got laid off the day after my Dx... yeah, it's been rough lately.
I cry. A lot. You wouldn't think that you'd think about your ability have children every single day, but I do. I can't help it- there are reminders all around me. Take for example, a simple walk to get the mail with my husband. It's a sunny day, and by the time we get to Davis, I've seen 4 strollers, 1 pregnant woman, and tons of kids. They are everywhere. In the grocery store, on TV... pregnant ladies and babies are all over the place. It's kind of that same scenario when a woman has a pregnancy scare- suddenly, the only commercials on TV are for ClearBlue and Pampers.
If you haven't gathered already, I default to self-deprecating humor. It's a defense mechanism I readily recognize in myself, and honestly, it's just the first way I cope with things. I realize this might make others uncomfortable, b/c they think I'm making light of my own terribly tragic issue. It's not that I'm poking fun, or that I don't realize the gravity of the situation. It's just the easiest way for me to talk about it around other people and not be a blubbering mess. As a writer, this comes of usually as cynicism, so I thought it necessary to preface the rest of this post with this caveat.
The day I found out, I cried so much. I cried at work, cried when I got home, cried during dinner, cried before bed, cried when I got up the next morning. My husband cried with me. He was as sad as I was for all the same reasons, and sadder still to see his wife in so much emotional pain. In that first week following both my Dx and the layoff, our marriage has become foundationally stronger than it has been in the last year. If there's a silver lining to be had in all of this, it's that I know I have indeed, a partner for life, through all of life's sorrows.
For the first week or so, I was stuck in the overwhelming sadness of the situation. I was watching futures disappear: of coming out of the bathroom with a positive HPT in hand, telling Arieh he's going to be a daddy; of seeing my child's face for the first time and playing the "gee, he looks like me or you" game; of surprising family and friends with creative, inventive ways with news that we're pregnant... What made me saddest is that we were deliberately waiting to TTC (try to conceive) for another 2 years, so that I had my master's completed, and we had a bigger nest egg. We were getting all of our ducks in a row because it was important to us that we are financially secure when we're ready to build our family. I felt like I was cheated.
In coping, I've moved into a much angrier stage right now. I'm in the "it's just not fucking fair" stage. Because, well, it's not. I'm taking a lot of my anger out on God right now. The good thing is that I haven't abandoned my faith entirely; you can't be angry at something you don't believe in. That's just a logical fallacy.
I've just finished reading Harold Kushner's When Bad Things Happen to Good People, and while I can rationally internalize the concepts he presents, emotionally, I'm just not ready to accept them. God is not to blame for this. Neither am I. Neither are my doctors. Kushner argues that suffering is not caused by God; it is random and indiscriminant. Kushner validates God's existence, saying that God is here to give us strength to work through our suffering. As His children suffers, so to does God. It's a lot to take in at once, and like I said- I get it, but I'm just not ready to accept it.
It's unfair and it angers me. While I appreciate the comments I've received that "well, there's always adoption or IVF," it's extremely frustrating. Why should I have to pay thousands of dollars to have my own children when millions of women have them for free? Like, I get there are thousands of unwanted babies/children out there, but why should I feel guilty for wanting my own biological children? If children are our legacy, our immortality: imagine how terribly isolating it must feel to know that the gene pool for your family stops at you.
I struggle with feelings of inadequacy. I did when I had my ovary removed too; I described it as though I were a tree with a broken branch at the time. That I wasn't a complete woman. Now, with my ability to have my own children practically robbed from me, the effect has been devastating to my gender identity. I'm not saying I think I'm a dude, but I sure do feel like less of a woman. I feel fat. I feel ugly. I feel useless. Rationally, I know these things are not true. Emotionally, it's a struggle every single day.
I'm fairly convinced at my followup appt on 4/24, my doctor will recommend counseling. Until then, I just continue to write. It's theraputic, and it helps me chronicle my emotional development. It doesn't make any of this necessarily any easier, but at least it's something I can do in a situation where I'm virtually helpless.
I cry. A lot. You wouldn't think that you'd think about your ability have children every single day, but I do. I can't help it- there are reminders all around me. Take for example, a simple walk to get the mail with my husband. It's a sunny day, and by the time we get to Davis, I've seen 4 strollers, 1 pregnant woman, and tons of kids. They are everywhere. In the grocery store, on TV... pregnant ladies and babies are all over the place. It's kind of that same scenario when a woman has a pregnancy scare- suddenly, the only commercials on TV are for ClearBlue and Pampers.
If you haven't gathered already, I default to self-deprecating humor. It's a defense mechanism I readily recognize in myself, and honestly, it's just the first way I cope with things. I realize this might make others uncomfortable, b/c they think I'm making light of my own terribly tragic issue. It's not that I'm poking fun, or that I don't realize the gravity of the situation. It's just the easiest way for me to talk about it around other people and not be a blubbering mess. As a writer, this comes of usually as cynicism, so I thought it necessary to preface the rest of this post with this caveat.
The day I found out, I cried so much. I cried at work, cried when I got home, cried during dinner, cried before bed, cried when I got up the next morning. My husband cried with me. He was as sad as I was for all the same reasons, and sadder still to see his wife in so much emotional pain. In that first week following both my Dx and the layoff, our marriage has become foundationally stronger than it has been in the last year. If there's a silver lining to be had in all of this, it's that I know I have indeed, a partner for life, through all of life's sorrows.
For the first week or so, I was stuck in the overwhelming sadness of the situation. I was watching futures disappear: of coming out of the bathroom with a positive HPT in hand, telling Arieh he's going to be a daddy; of seeing my child's face for the first time and playing the "gee, he looks like me or you" game; of surprising family and friends with creative, inventive ways with news that we're pregnant... What made me saddest is that we were deliberately waiting to TTC (try to conceive) for another 2 years, so that I had my master's completed, and we had a bigger nest egg. We were getting all of our ducks in a row because it was important to us that we are financially secure when we're ready to build our family. I felt like I was cheated.
In coping, I've moved into a much angrier stage right now. I'm in the "it's just not fucking fair" stage. Because, well, it's not. I'm taking a lot of my anger out on God right now. The good thing is that I haven't abandoned my faith entirely; you can't be angry at something you don't believe in. That's just a logical fallacy.
I've just finished reading Harold Kushner's When Bad Things Happen to Good People, and while I can rationally internalize the concepts he presents, emotionally, I'm just not ready to accept them. God is not to blame for this. Neither am I. Neither are my doctors. Kushner argues that suffering is not caused by God; it is random and indiscriminant. Kushner validates God's existence, saying that God is here to give us strength to work through our suffering. As His children suffers, so to does God. It's a lot to take in at once, and like I said- I get it, but I'm just not ready to accept it.
It's unfair and it angers me. While I appreciate the comments I've received that "well, there's always adoption or IVF," it's extremely frustrating. Why should I have to pay thousands of dollars to have my own children when millions of women have them for free? Like, I get there are thousands of unwanted babies/children out there, but why should I feel guilty for wanting my own biological children? If children are our legacy, our immortality: imagine how terribly isolating it must feel to know that the gene pool for your family stops at you.
I struggle with feelings of inadequacy. I did when I had my ovary removed too; I described it as though I were a tree with a broken branch at the time. That I wasn't a complete woman. Now, with my ability to have my own children practically robbed from me, the effect has been devastating to my gender identity. I'm not saying I think I'm a dude, but I sure do feel like less of a woman. I feel fat. I feel ugly. I feel useless. Rationally, I know these things are not true. Emotionally, it's a struggle every single day.
I'm fairly convinced at my followup appt on 4/24, my doctor will recommend counseling. Until then, I just continue to write. It's theraputic, and it helps me chronicle my emotional development. It doesn't make any of this necessarily any easier, but at least it's something I can do in a situation where I'm virtually helpless.
March 30, 2009
Who are Hannah & Sarah?
"Be fruitful and multiply."
Perhaps the most basic of the commandments in Judaism, and yet, three of the four Matriarchs were infertile. A cruel twist of fate? Harsh punishment or ultimate test of faith? I'm not here to debate theology, but rather, I reflect on what these two very different reactions to infertility can teach us from the Torah.
Hannah, in the Book of Samuel, is barren and weeps before the Lord. She prays day in and day out, and promises her child to the service of the Lord if He but answers her prayer. Sarah, the wife of Abraham, laughs when the Lord says she will bear a child in her old age after years of being barren. Both women do conceive and bear sons.
The journey through infertility is much the same: tears, laughter, and ultimately, faith.
(For more information on infertility in the Torah/Bible, I highly recommend Michael Gold's And Hannah Wept; it's out of print, but is an excellent in-depth look at the whole phenomenon.)
Perhaps the most basic of the commandments in Judaism, and yet, three of the four Matriarchs were infertile. A cruel twist of fate? Harsh punishment or ultimate test of faith? I'm not here to debate theology, but rather, I reflect on what these two very different reactions to infertility can teach us from the Torah.
Hannah, in the Book of Samuel, is barren and weeps before the Lord. She prays day in and day out, and promises her child to the service of the Lord if He but answers her prayer. Sarah, the wife of Abraham, laughs when the Lord says she will bear a child in her old age after years of being barren. Both women do conceive and bear sons.
The journey through infertility is much the same: tears, laughter, and ultimately, faith.
(For more information on infertility in the Torah/Bible, I highly recommend Michael Gold's And Hannah Wept; it's out of print, but is an excellent in-depth look at the whole phenomenon.)
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