It's time for professional help.

And I'm not afraid to admit it.

I have a call in to a fertility counselor my doc recommended whom he knows personally. Dr. G has been great about my care thus far, so I trust his recommendations. I did therapy in college, so I'm well aware of its benefits and I'm way beyond any kind of mental health stigma. Hell, I'd rather talk to someone than have to ever take an antidepressant ever again. (Which, oddly enough, the personal hell that was labeled clinical depression and panic disorders in college might have actually been the result of my hypothyroidism being poorly monitored the whole time.) B/c Miriam + antidepressants =/= Miriam. I am really not the cool, awesome person I normally am with antidepressants. That (combined with a period of reduced finances) is why I quit them cold turkey almost 2 years ago. I know that's a medical no-no, but probably one of the best decisions I've made for myself medically. I feel like a person again.

I've also got an email out for a free acupuncture consultation at one of the leading acupuncture clinics for IF in New England. I met the owner at an arts festival (of all places) this weekend. And she was cool enough to follow up with the email address I left her and send me a list of times she's available to meet this week. While I am generally terrified of acupuncture, I'm willing to give anything a shot at this point. And there's gotta be something to it otherwise ppl would have stopped doing it 3000 years ago. EDIT: Looks like I'm going to see her next Tuesday at 7pm. This should be interesting.

What brings me to my positively foul state of mind recently: disturbing realizations, guilt over good news, and doing some more research into hypothyroidism. I was particularly discouraged by reading more detailed info about thyroid hormones here online, and that the fact I am practically useless in the gym is a direct result of years of poorly managed thyroid disorder. I'm not feeling too great about myself right now- I've fallen off the WW wagon pretty hard (Ari has too), and I know that the old adage of "lose weight with diet and exercise" is next to fucking impossible when you're as hypothyroidic as I am.

The guilt over good news, which I finally broke down and told Ari last night, was that secretly... I hoped his SA would be disastrous, so that all of the IF problems wouldn't be just mine. So that fault doesn't sit squarely on my shoulders. While he totally understands why I would think that and knows that I'm not deliberately harboring ill will toward him; it was a desperation thought process not to feel so goddamned isolated and alone in our marriage. I am still reeling from this whole thing, that I couldn't just accept the good news and be happy.

And the disturbing realization: We have a good chunk of money in savings. A good net, if say, I got laid off (knock wood, b/c that's the last fucking thing we need right now). But we only have just enough right now for either one IVF cycle, or one paltry down payment on a house. And the choice we need to face right now is... do we want a child? Or a home of our own? I am so bitter, angry- no, infuriated- and depressed by this.

This is just not how it was supposed to be, for fuck's sake.

And I'm at a point in my own personal development that I can recognize when it's time to call in the big guns and get some help. B/c I am way too angry and sad this far out from my original diagnosis.

Whirlwind week.

July 4th weekend was fantastic. Had friends from out of town at our place this weekend, with their adorable 10 month old in tow. Babies are exhausting! And cute, and fun, and wonderful. I particularly enjoyed seeing Ari with the baby- he's going to be a great dad someday.

Blood work this morning: thyroid workup and vitamin D levels checked. We're looking to see how this new lower dose of Levoxyl is working, and to make sure I'm not too much of a vampire and am getting enough sunlight (lol, with a little help from my liqui-gel Vitamin D tabs). Also, I might go on birth control again. That should be fun... we'll see if I get to keep my sex drive or not.

Still on WW. Gained 1.1 lbs this last week. Trying not to get discouraged by it, had a fluke weekend where we ate out a ton. Trying to remain focused on why I'm on this diet in the first place: gotta get my body healthy to have kids.

Ari has a semen analysis scheduled for next week. Fingers crossed, everything should be normal; we don't have much reason to suspect otherwise. And if there is something wrong, God help me b/c I might have a mental break at that point.

So my Dr. just called, and I need to up my thyroid medication back up to 88mcg. 75mcg isn't cutting it. Awesome, especially since I just got my 75mcg refilled... yesterday. Whatever, I have it on hand for the future.

In other news, outed myself to another friend. It's still bittersweet telling people in person. Good to let it out, but yanno, generally sucky to share that sort of news. Also, another friend just had their first child, a beautiful baby girl. When I got the picture message waiting in the airport flying out from my conference last week, I smiled, and then burst into tears. Who loves emotional roller coasters? *waves frantically* I do!

Still taking everything a day at a time. Still in that weird "we're not actively trying but we have this diagnosis looming over us" phase. Still in the Land of IF.

Professional development vs. The Diet

The score? Diet's winning.

Tons of walking + tote full of swag + laptop computer in a bag + 3 full 20oz bottles of water a day = making up for any poor food choices I'm about to make tonight.

In Baltimore for a conference for work, and I'm having a wonderful time. My first out-of-town professional conference - it's been recharging and energizing all at once. I worried about not being able to keep up with Weight Watchers, but yesterday I was only over by 4 points, and I've still got 10 left for today. I'm making lots of smart choices - nixing the bun, loading up on salads and veggies before attacking the proteins, and only eating proteins in moderation. It's all about portion control, tons of H2O, schlepping up and down downtown Baltimore, and the most valuable thing I've been aware of most the last 2 days: knowing my hunger cues and cycles.

Re: my above equation... I love hitting up local NFT/Yelp finds. Yesterday I sought out the Lexington Market for lunch, and what a treat. Tons of food stalls: any cuisine you could think of, seafood, produce, fresh baked goods... the works! And there was even live jazz - these are the kind of traveling experiences I crave, I seek out- I love :)

Tonight, I'm trekking out via cab to Tapas Teatro, a hip little tapas bar with a killer wine list MELI, a hip lil bistro with live jazz tonight. I've got 10 daily points, 16 weekly points, and 14 activity points to cash in on plate after plate of tapas tonight (yes, I realized that's redudant as tapas means "plate") a lot of tasty French food and desserts. I think I deserve a little splurge, especially since it's on the company dollar! :)

Diet Week 1 & Quick Update

Even with our lavish brunch on Saturday with nothing but plates of fine cheeses, fruits, salami, and crackers... I managed to lose 3 lbs last week! Ari lost 4.5! I'm ⅓ of the way there to my first goal (5%). Next step: add a little more physical activity to my life.

My caffeine cut back has been going very well. I had a half a chocolate bar on Saturday afternoon, but even that has less caffeine than the daily amount I was drinking prior to starting the diet. And I still haven't touched brown soda since last Sunday. The closest thing to soda that I've had (and even sparingly at that) is lightly flavored seltzer water. Since I've met my original one-week goal of no brown soda, I'm going to try for a goal of one month now.

In other news... Ari has a job interview on Wednesday! Wish him luck!

And, swing by Bella and Her Fella... they've got some great news over in their neck of the blogosphere as well :)

Feeling renewed

Sorry I've been a bit remiss in posting this week... I've been so caught up in #IranElection I pretty much forgot I had a blog.

Camping was incredible. Fort Z. braved the rainstorm Saturday night, despite very heavy rains for about 10 hours. Saturday day, the weather was gorgeous. Also, our campfire spaghetti dinner on Friday was delicious. Added bonus: I packed two tealights and we celebrated Shabbos in the woods. It was deeply calming and recharging. Friends joined us on Saturday, and we had a ton of fun swimming in the lake (my first time in a lake, ever), playing Apples to Apples, and making s'mores. And then Sunday, I went to a friend's book club she had arranged. It was great to spend the afternoon surrounded by intellectual women.

My birthday massage (rescheduled twice due to life) was amazing. Hot tub soak, hour long deep tissue/Swedish massage... what a wonderful gift from my husband. So wonderful, that we're going back tomorrow for a private hot-tub soak together!

No real updates on the IF front. My next appt is July 10; I'll need to have some b/w done to check out my thyroid levels beforehand, and I might call my Dr. to see if he can order a semen analysis before that appt as well. Recently, I've actually been in a very good place, emotionally; I think I had one random crying jag late last week, but otherwise I've been ok. The cold & cough I had been fighting from last month is finally gone, so I have a ton of energy back. Also, my new Levoxyl dose seems to be working wonders- a lot of energy back.

New blog widgets! My Inspire.com badge to the left. I just stumbled on these boards and found a wealth of new support, as well as a lot of fellow POF-ers. The RESOLVE board seems to be more active than the Inspire IF board, but both are chock full of regular posters. I like finding new support networks.

Also, if you click on the any blog post title, there's a Tweet This button at the bottom of the post. Feel free to tweet me into the tweet-o-sphere.

You may have noticed my weight ticker on the right. That's right, I'm on a diet. Ari and I are doing Weight Watchers together. We did it last summer and both lost a good amount of weight... and then the last 5 months of craptitude happened and we put a lot (and then some) back on. If I'm going to have kids, and if I want to be a successful candidate for IVF, I need to lose some serious weight. So I'm starting with my first goal: 5% of my current weight so far. Baby steps. I've almost made it through my first week, and I've been a little grouchy. That's probably b/c I also stopped consuming caffeine, entirely, 5 days ago.

Why the caffeine cut? Well, I drank WAY too much soda before the diet (no soda, not even diet, for 5 days now). And the soda eats away at the calcium in your bones, and since POF messes with your bone density, I really needed to wean myself off. I really need to think of soda as the occasional treat as opposed to daily staple. The first 2 days, I had a bad headache, and was walking around like a junkie looking to score. Now I'm more of in that calm, Zen-like acceptance, although I've been craving oolong tea really badly. I'll see how many days I can go w/o caffeine, period. My goal is to start at a week, and go from there. I've already noticed a huge difference: I sleep like the dead at night, hot flashes have decreased significantly, and that general sense of anxiety doesn't feel like it's looming over my shoulder every 10 minutes.

So that's life right now. Not thinking too much about babies, or my inability to have them. And it's a nice feeling, for a change.