Remember Us on Sunday

Driving in to work this morning, I was listening to one of my favorite public radio stations. For weeks they've been promoting buying flowers for Mothers' Day to help support the radio station; a portion of the costs go directly to fundraising.

I'm not sure what it was this morning, but as I listened to my favorite local radio hosts hawk their fundraising flowers, I had to switch the station over to another. They went on and on about mothers and how children should honor the mothers in their lives. I don't disagree - I'm blessed to have two incredible mothers of my own- one by blood and one by marriage- and a sister who's shown me that she is one tough mama. I am grateful for each one of my aunts. And I cherish my dear friends who are mothers themselves. You all set a high standard for me to rise to one day.

But there was something about the radio hosts this morning that left me reflective and sad, as they played testimonials of folks who've bought flowers in the past for this fundraiser, singing the praises of the mothers in their lives who stayed up late with the kids and did so much. "Buy flowers for the stay-at-home moms to brighten their day," they said (as if somehow being a SAHM was otherwise dreary and draining and not the rich experience I know it to be for many moms).

As I changed the station, I thought to myself, "What about all the women who want nothing more to be moms? What about all the women who, for whatever reason, will never be able to be Hallmark's definition of a mom this Sunday?"

What about all the infertile, the childless not by choice?

What about us?

I hold out hope for myself that somehow, someway, I will parent with my husband. But I know there are so many out there who can't parent, despite many emotionally and financially draining attempts. That once again this year for Mothers' Day, it's just not in the cards. Last year, I wasn't as phased by Mothers' Day; I was more about exploring what Motherhood means to people. This year, well - this year is different. And there was something about driving in to work and listening to their endless pitch for flowers that just struck me differently - and deeply - this year.

Yesterday at Advocacy Day in DC (recap post Monday), Risa Levine, RESOLVE's National Advocacy Co-Chair, delivered the keynote address in the morning to all the attendees. She spoke beautifully at the conclusion of her speech about the "elephant in the room" - Mothers' Day this Sunday - and encouraged us to raise a glass for the work we set out to do that day and for all the Wannabe Moms. Because we've all held onto our dreams and fantasies of being a mom one day, and those dreams are just as important.

So, I'm asking the rest of the Hallmark-card-sending-world to remember us on Sunday.

We may not have stayed up late when the kids wouldn't go to bed. But we've stayed up late worrying about our transfers the next morning. We've stayed up late wondering why the agency hasn't called. Stayed up late wondering "How on earth are we going to pay for this?"

We may not have endured 20 hours of labor and a natural birth. But we've endured countless hours in stirrups, endless rounds of needles and herbal treatments and painful surgeries. And years of silence and shame.

We may not have brought our child to work but we've sacrificed careers to stay in jobs we hate just to maintain specific health insurance coverage, however crappy that coverage might be - but it's better than paying 100% out of pocket.

We may not have sold Girl Scout cookies with our daughters or run Boy Scout canned good drives with our sons, but we buy boxes of Thin Mints and hand over soup and beans to yours every time you ask us to.

We may never have experienced all those incredible moments that define and shape Motherhood...

...and we'd give anything to, just once.

Remember us on Sunday.

Dude, it's Men's Health Week!

Spread the word about Men's Health Awareness! Do it for your brothers, your sons, your dads, your husbands, your uncles, and your best boy buds. June is Men's Health Month and this week is Men's Health Week. It happens every year the week before and including Father's Day. I wish I had prepared for this week, because I would have lined up some male-factor IF posts. I do plan to post about the elusive male point of view in the next month or so. Until then and in celebration of Men's Health Week, I'll list some great infertility resources for the men in our lives.

I've also posted an article about Five Myths of Male-Factor Infertility on Examiner.com. Check it out!

Male factor infertility is the sole cause of a couple's infertility issues in about 30% of cases. Female factor accounts for another 30%, and the rest are either unexplained or a combination of the two (source: RESOLVE.org). Infertility is not just a woman's problem, and even when the issue is female factor, it doesn't mean it's not affecting her partner. Here are some great resources that I've come across:

+ Men’s Health Week: A Time for Men to Step up to the Fertility Plate: Dr. Geoffrey Sher of the Sher Institute and puts a call to action for men facing infertility. Read the complete blog post at IVF Authority.

+ Men and Emotions: "Despite the fact that approximately 40% of infertility is attributed to male factors, it appears that men are not as willing or as able as their female partners to talk about their experience. Perhaps this is because we traditionally think of children as a woman's province." Read the rest of the article here at RESOLVE.org.

+ The Semen Analysis and the Men's Infertility Workup: What to expect from your doctor (via RESOLVE.org)

+ Psychological Issues in Male-Factor Infertility: "In general, the man’s reaction to infertility has been viewed by mental health professionals as taking less of an emotional toll than his partner’s... Little room is left for dealing with his own feelings of loss and sadness. This conforms to society’s gender expectations in which men are not given permission to express deep feelings of loss..." Read the rest at the American Fertility Association website.

+ Get Thee to a Urologist!: The title says it all (via AFA).

+ Fourth Anniversary of the Death of My Sweet Baby Boy: A brilliant resource out there for men coping with loss. The articles and entries shared on this site are a resource for men and women alike (via GrievingDads.com).

+ Making Sex Fun While Trying to Get Pregnant: Mandatory sex is no fun. About.com offer's some advice to spice it up!

+ Coping With Mother's Day and Father's Day: With Father's Day approaching, this can be a tough time of year for men and couples struggling with infertility. RESOLVE has some great advice to make it through the day.

+ Add your resource in the comments below! Blogs, articles, websites: all are welcome.

Moms in Six Words

Grown in My Heart presents their Mother's Day Adoption Carnival - The project is simple. In honor of Mother's Day, post a picture of your Mom(s) (however you define it) and write a six-word memoir about her/them. For more info and to see the other blogs in the carnival, check out the link above. I don't want to say much else other than to let these pictures and words speak for themselves.

I love you, Mom. Happy Mother's Day.

In her eyes, I'm always beautiful.

"In-law" has never applied.

Sister, worry not: you'll be amazing.

Make This Mother's Day Me Day

I've been getting such beautiful comments about redefining motherhood for Mother's Day this year. Alex writes that motherhood is "the wanting to take care of someone. It's the desire, more than the ability." This year, she's in limbo in the 2ww during Mother's Day. It's a unique place to be in; go visit her and wish her luck! Kakunaa considers herself "a mother...maybe not to my own children, but I am the mother of my friends, to my furbabies, and in my heart." And Sonja puts it so simply and eloquenly when she says "mothering is a state of mind." She says further: "It might not be the definition of the term "mother" that I grew up with, but you know what? This works for me now." Kudos to those of you who are board with redefining motherhood this year!

I'm fortunately in that don't have the same Mother's Day blues as many other women. I'm blessed and thankful that my mom and mom-in-law are both living and well. And since we were never actively trying, it's not like I'm missing out on something, as though this holiday is leaving me out. For others, they become the afterthought at Mother's Day gatherings, the room oohing and ahhing over the moms and then stopping at The Infertile One and going "Oh, right, well have a lovely day too dearie!" Danya shares how painful the experience can be:

Like many other woman I dread Mother's Day. But mostly because I dread other people's pity. I'm always someone's "afterthought" on this day. Especially at church. Everyones running around exchanging flowers and gifts with cries of a "happy" Mother's Day until they notice me, get "that look" on their face and go, "Oh yeah, ahem, Happy Mother's Day to you too, Danya! Cuz you'll be a mother someday too! So you can celebrate too! Ummmmmm.... Oh! Here's an extra flower! You can have one too!" Gee thanks. I've always wanted an afterthought Mother's Day flower drenched in your pity.

Danya's right. We shouldn't be afterthoughts on Mother's Day, or any day for that matter. And too many times in our IF journeys, we become our own afterthoughts: we'll hold of that vacation because we need to save the money for this cycle. I don't need to buy new clothes in case this cycle works. I'll put off using that gift card I got for XYZ holiday/event/birthday because I don't need to go shopping now. A fascinating NYT article from December of 2009 reports on a psychological phenomenon known as pleasure procrastination. We do it all the time, letting gift cards expire before ever cashing them in, never visiting local tourism like museums, monuments, and parks because we kind of take them for granted. In think in the IF community, we are always putting our pleasures, our joys, hell, our lives- on hold.

Here's the thing: when we pamper ourselves, do even just one little something for ourselves that makes us feel good, we feed our bodies some delicious feel good brain chemicals. I'm no scientist, I have no idea what they are, but I'm going to say comfortably that this happens. (Why yes, I do have a PhD in Making Up Scientific Facts as Needed. How ever did you guess?!)

So this Mother's Day, if everyone is celebrating around you, without you, despite you: I say, celebrate yourself! In fact, let's change the name. It's now Mother's Me Day. This is a day to do for you. If you have to go to that family function, do it. But get your hair done, paint your nails, buy that pair of strappy sandals you've been eyeing and arrive in style. Do for yourself and make yourself feel good!

And Mother's Me Day is the perfect excuse to go out and splurge a little on some home spa products, or jewelry, or clothes, or books - hell, even a new computer! (I might be speaking from personal experience. Let's just say, there's been a major party shift in the Zoll household and I friggin love my new laptop.) There are TONS of sales geared toward the mommy demographic that are just as applicable to the IF demographic. We read books. We wear clothes. We like perfume and gift certificates and spa packages. All you have to do is replace Mother's with Me and bam: it's a week of sales just for you! Look, I know it's a crap economy, but sometimes, you just gotta splurge once in a while and celebrate yourself. Sometimes even just a couple hours of retail therapy can do wonders.

But like the NYT article mentions, we wait for special occasions to celebrate ourselves, and that we need to let that notion go. Case in point: last week, Larry really wanted cake for dessert. Not cupcakes, not pastries: straight up "frosted all over made in store looks like something you'd take to a potluck or dinner party" cake. And you know what? We bought the cake. We invited a bunch of friends over to help us eat said cake because yanno, we didn't want to be total fatties eating the whole thing ourselves. Did we wait for a special occasion? Nope! We said, "we're having cake because a) we want it b) we're awesome and c) we don't need a reason." You might say we... had our cake... and ate it too... I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself.

This Mother's Me Day, celebrate yourself. You deserve it, you're worth it, and if you're going to wait around for someone to do it for you, you'll have wasted a perfect opportunity to indulge yourself.

Everyone's situation is different, so when I shop it out, others might need something a little more substantial. Be sure to check out these great articles for coping and surviving Mother's Day and Father's Day.

• Coping with Mother's Day & Father's Day (RESOLVE.org)
• Making the Best of Mother's Day and Father's Day (RESOLVE of New England)
• Empty arms on Mother's Day (American Fertility Association Blog)
• Help For When Mother's Day Isn't Happy (BlogHer.com)
• How to Support an Infertile Friend on Mother's Day (surprisingly compassionate article at eHow)

What other things do you do or will you do differently this year to make it through Mother's Day?

Redefining Motherhood on Mother's Day

Mother. [ˈmə-thər] Noun. Etymology: Middle English moder, from Old English mōdor; akin to Old High German muoter mother, Latin mater, Greek mētēr, Sanskrit mātṛ. Date: before 12th century 1 a : a female parent b (1) : a woman in authority; specifically : the superior of a religious community of women (2) : an old or elderly woman 2 : source, origin 3 : maternal tenderness or affection Merriam Webster Dictionary Online, 2010.

This is our working definition of mother, the one we just know, the one we've known from birth when we looked up into that sweet loving face smiling down at us. No matter who raised us, we looked up to her: we called her Mother. For some, Mother was never a figure in our lives. She might be a memory, a photograph, or a story told to us by others. But always, always this connection to somewhere or someone: Mother.

In my video, I posed the question: what if I redefine what it means to be woman, mother, family? Even in my blog header, I proclaim that I'm redefining womanhood. I no longer define my womanhood by my fertility. While pregnancy is an experience for which I mourn and sometimes long, it is no longer a defining experience of womanhood to me. I've resolved to let my experiences and my history define me.

This Mother's Day, I want to redefine motherhood. So how do we redefine motherhood? I may not be able to compete with Webster's dictionary, but I can certainly do my best to work on a cultural shift.

Motherhood isn't just an act of procreation. My uterus may not have borne children, but it shall bear ideas, voices, action. Motherhood is an act of love, of selfless love at that. Motherhood is an act of sacrifice: whether it's the pain of labor and delivery to the sheer act of giving a part of our heart to another. And that's different from the giving of our hearts to our lifelong companions. Motherhood is sacrificing that bit of ourselves, that bit of our hearts, for another. It is more than just loving affection. Motherhood is about fighting and dying for those we love, the primal lioness who protects her cubs.

And our cubs: they may be borne of us or another. They may yet be born in our hearts. They may indeed be furry friends. They may in fact, be our friends.

This week, as we approach Mother's Day on Sunday, I want to write and explore this idea more, this idea of what it means to be a mother. I know this is a very hard time of the year for many of us. I'm hoping this week as I tease this all out more, that we find strength together, that we channel our fears and worries and dread of this holiday into something positive, into action and renewal.

How do you define Motherhood?