A Fathers' Day Twitterview with RESOLVE & "I Want to Be a Daddy"

As I mentioned yesterday, even though it's Men's Health Week, we don't often hear the male side of the infertility journey. With Fathers' Day just around the corner, this is especially timely. There are a few elusive male voices out there (emphasis on the few). But the guys who are out there really help to shed some light on what is so often a woman-centric subject.

Take for example, Brittanie's husband Ben, over at Fertilize This! He busted a myth for NIAW about his experience as a man with male-factor infertility. Or Rain's husband at Weathering the Storm - she interviewed him about his experience with male-factor infertility and how it affects their marriage.And then there are awesome guys like my husband, Larry, who wrote a guest post of his perspective of being married to someone with female-factor infertility.

And then there's Alec, over at I Want to Be a Daddy. Are you reading him? You aren't? Well, you should. Alec has become a rising voice in the infertility community from the ever-elusive male perspective. He spells it out exactly right in his blog's description:

My wife JK and I went through a 2 1/2 year odyssey of infertility. It was a painful time. The emotional toll was as real for me as it was for JK. Friends who had survived infertility helped me to cope, and thus I hope that our story will help others.

Now this is the kind of voice we need to hear out there! This Friday, there's a unique opportunity to engage with Alec and RESOLVE, as they host a Twitterview with Alec at 2pm EST. From MyDestinationFamily.org:

On June 17th, leading up to this coming Father’s Day, RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association and MyDestinationFamily.org will honor this shared struggle through a personal and informative Twitterview with Alec Ross, blogger at I Want to Be a Daddy and regular contributor at FertilityAuthority. Alec will help to shed light on the all too silent male side of infertility in this one-hour Twitter exchange with executive director of RESOLVE, Barb Collura. He will speak to the two-and-a-half year infertility battle he and his wife faced, and the ups and downs that they continue to face today.

Wait, what's a Twitterview?
It's kind of like a public conversation, but since it's Twitter, it's like having that public conversation in a sea of a million voices. The conversation stands out by using a dedicated hashtag to differentiate this conversation's tweets from all the others. In this case, the dedicated hashtag for the Twitterview is #tvFD (for Father’s Day TwitterView).

How do I follow along?

• Make sure you're following @RESOLVEorg, @infertility_guy and @MyDestFamily on Twitter. Oh, and me if you aren't already (@miriamshope).
• Beginning at 2pm this Friday, June 17, make sure to follow #tvFD. You can do this in a couple of ways: 
• Twitter's own search: http://twitter.com/#!/search/%23tvfd
• TweetChat: http://tweetchat.com/room/tvFD
• If you sign in with your Twitter account on TweetChat, you can jump into the conversation and TweetChat automatically adds the #tvFD hashtag to the end of your tweets.
• You can share the experience with others by retweeting tweets during the hour.

When is this Twitterview again?
This Friday, June 17th, at 2pm EST. Join in or follow along to hear about the impact that infertility plays on Fathers' Day and the male experience with infertility. I know it's going to be an informative, engaging and emotional conversation. I'm really looking forward to it.

Hope to see folks tweeting and retweeting away on Friday!

Of SpermComets, Cellphones & Wannabe Dads: Men's Health Week 2011

It's that time of year again, guys: Men's Health Month is here and this week is Men's Health Week! I know I talk a lot about my lady bits at this blog, but let's not forget that infertility is not just a woman's issue. In 30-40% of cases, infertility is the result of the man. And while I know there are a broad range of health concerns for men besides infertility, I choose to highlight how men  can be impacted by infertility during this Men's Health Week. Believe me: there's plenty we can talk about on just this subject alone.

Take for example, the latest news to come out of Queen's University Belfast. Researchers there have developed a test for sperm quality that could revolutionize the diagnosis of male infertility and assist couples in determining the best path for fertility treatment in the process. The test, in all its inifinite wisdom has been named (and trademarked) as... wait for it...

The SpermComet^™ test.

Now, I assure you that the name is not the result of a haughty researcher ego: the results actually look a bit celestial.The test itself measures the DNA quality of sperm. Knowing this information is key to predicting the success of certain infertility treatments over others. The SpermComet™ test is indeed 'groundbreaking' as its been described in the media, as it provides another way of giving couples more diagnostic information to make more informed decisions regarding their treatment. The test may ultimately lead them on a faster path to success.

Also making news in the past couple of weeks is the that cellphone use can impact a men's fertility, specifically the development of sperm. The study comes out of Queen's University Kingston (Ontario, Canada); it's not clear from what I read what exactly they mean about "use." The study was conducted from 1997-2003; the iPhone wasn't even released until June 2007 (which is totally crazy when you think about that for a second). I'm sure cellphone "use" in their study meant call time, but as we all know, that has broadened quite a bit in the age of smartphones. Sure I use my phone all the time, but not just for calls: checking email, GPS, playing music, banking, etc. In fact, call time probably makes up the lesser amount of time that I actually use my phone. Ditto my husband.

The study has examined the role of cellphone frequencies and their impact on sperm DNA. Their findings? There's a definite link between sperm health and cellphone use. Ladies: remind your gentlemen friends to keep their phones out of their pockets from now on and maybe that they don't need to play another level of Angry Birds.

But if you're worried, you can always have a SpermComet™ done.

All kidding aside, Men's Health Week always falls the week before Fathers' Day every year and the emotional health of the men in our lives in just as vital as their physical health. There are plenty of Wannabe Dads out there who find Fathers' Day just as painful as Mothers' Day for their wives and partners. This year I asked people to Remember Us on Sunday; that post came from a very woman-centric place. This year (and every year!) I'm asking folks to remember the Wannabe Dads this Sunday for Fathers' Day. Men have a biological clock too, and while it may not always be in sync with ours, we can't forget that it takes two to make a baby and that just as much as we want to be moms, they want to be dads, too.

I'm not saying go out and grab your guy a new tie and some golf clubs, but don't forget about his feelings this Sunday too. For all the tips and tricks you can use to make it through Mothers' Day, the same can be applied to Fathers' Day. Go out and have a day to celebrate yourselves or just celebrate the Wannabe Dad in your life. Stay away from kids on Sunday, if you can. Make it a weekend getaway. Or, maybe just give your spouse a little extra space if he needs it. Men process their emotions in a variety of ways, some more overt than others. You know your guy best, but make a plan on how to tackle That Dreaded Sunday in June.  RESOLVE has a great guide for coping with both Mothers' and Fathers' Day on their website that I highly recommend.

For more fertility-related Men's Health Week goodness, check out my Five Myths of Male-Factor Infertility, as well as last year's Men's Health Week Roundup.

What are you doing to recognize Men's Health Week? How are you coping with Fathers' Day coming up this Sunday?

Dispatches from My Better Half: A Guest Post by My Husband

While I'm happy to take the microphone and do all the talking, I'm stepping off the stage today to shine some light on someone who deserves just as much attention and credit: my fantastic husband, Larry. I'm blessed to have found my soulmate and to have someone who dives head and heart-first into our family-building adventures with me. I hope you'll enjoy his unique take on things as the "elusive male point of view."

. . .

For a long time, Keiko’s been asking me to write a guest post and for a long time – thanks to my unabashed sense of procrastination – I haven’t. I haven’t really known what to say. Keiko has built herself quite the readership and become a fairly prominent fixture in the infertility community. I, like many husbands in our situation, have hung back. I’ve been here to provide my unconditional love and support, but I’ve never felt it was my place to speak out. It wasn’t my body that was having havoc wreaked on it and it wasn’t my body by which I felt betrayed.

I have to say, in some ways, I think Keiko’s diagnosis was, to be cliché, a blessing in disguise. Keiko has always been the one on my arm for business events and at various other gatherings of my peers where the attendance of a spouse who knows no one is absolutely required. It’s brought me a lot of joy over the past year to be on the other side of that coin. When we go to an event for RESOLVE or anything regarding the infertility community, Keiko is the one who is in the spotlight, she is the one who is recognized for the hard work she does for this community and I’m the one on her arm. And although I know the only reason she’s even here is because of a condition she never asked for or wanted, she’s been able to turn that pain into motivation and a directed sense of purpose that I’ve never seen in her before... and for that I’m thankful. She asked me to write about my feelings regarding our whole situation, this curveball that neither of us ever expected. It’s hard to sum that up into a few paragraphs, but her strength through the whole thing has been absolutely inspiring.

When we were at the RESOLVE of New England conference last November, Keiko asked me to attend a session that was specifically for husbands of women who couldn’t conceive on their own. I agreed, begrudgingly, because you know, I’m a man. I don’t need any of that stuff. But I came out of it with two very interesting insights.

First was that I wasn’t alone in my philosophy about the whole situation. From the very beginning, I’ve always told Keiko that to me it didn’t matter how we had a family as long as we had one, and no one could stop us from doing that. I don’t care if a child is 100% genetically ours, 50%, or 0%. Genetics only get you so far in life, and to be honest, between the two of us there are plenty that don’t need to get passed on. What really matters is imparting the knowledge and, dare I say, wisdom of my vast 29 years.

Having a family isn’t about a kid who has my hair (which is receding anyway, thanks to my genes); it’s about raising a child with our values and teaching them to have their own. To my surprise, most of the other guys in the group felt the same way. What’s important is the end result: being a family. I’ve felt that way since day one. So while I feel for Keiko with every cell in my body, her condition has never negatively affected my image of her, because regardless of how it happens we’ll always be able to have that family one way or another. And it will never affect her ability to be the wonderful mother I know she’ll be.

The second thing I came away from that group with was slightly more science-y. The guy who ran the session had done vast amounts of research on the emotional toll this situation takes on the husband. He’s found on average men lag about 3 years behind women in terms of emotional response. Now I don’t think that in a year I’m going to be sitting at my desk one minute and bawling the next. That’s just not how I operate. I bring it up though in hopes that some husbands and wives out there may take some solace in the idea that you may not be responding the same way as the other all the time; just because he’s not there crying next to you doesn’t mean or imply that he’s any less affected or that he doesn’t care. We just run on different timelines. It has never been a factor in my level of support for Keiko. My brain just processes the whole thing a little bit differently.

I don’t really know how to end this. I’ve done my fair share of writing, but never on something that’s so personal. I usually wrap up my articles with a succinct piece of poignant advice, but that doesn’t seem so apropos here. So I’ll just say that I hope a point of view from the other side was a little bit helpful and gives just a peek into what may be going on in the mind of those who care for you the most.

Compassion, Grace, and Courage

Last week, I gave an interview to my college alumni magazine talking about the work I've been doing for the infertility community, and how my one little video exploded on the internet nearly a year ago. I'm excited to see it come out sometime in April or May, as it will be coming up to the one-year anniversary of my video going live and also (hopefully) smack dab in the middle of National Infertility Awareness Week. As I was talking with the reporter, it dawned on me that it's been almost two years since I was diagnosed. And then I remembered that even those I was still a total IF noob, I outed myself on Facebook just a month and a half after the diagnosis. I quickly deleted it and then reposted it when someone I knew from childhood contacted me privately to say, "Thank you for posting this. I'm going through this, too."

I remember being totally blown away by the revelation that, holy cow- it wasn't just me, and not only that- this is someone I sat with in social studies class in middle school. And then someone else I went to school with contacted me. And then a former coworker. It was one of those moments when I realized just how indiscriminate infertility is and how it's touched a shocking number of people in my lives.

While I was in Atlanta, I received an email from one of those friends that reached out to me nearly two years ago. I'm posting it here with his persmission but have changed their names:

Hi Keiko,

I've been trying to figure out how to write this for weeks. I am going to screw it up and for that I am sorry. I have had this raging internal debate on sending this, for fear of making you feel like I am singling you out or making your day (or even just a brief moment today) unhappy. But as my only IF confidant (besides 1 or 2 VERY close friends) I feel compelled to write you

One of our IUI treatments a few months ago was successful; Bella is at 12 weeks tomorrow. I've been riding a roller coaster of emotions for weeks: joy, fear, guilt among others. The worst has been thinking of my friends in the IF community - and how they would feel knowing that yet another couple is expecting. I wish I had the magic words to make it all right, but as I still haven't found them myself, I don't know what to say... other than thank you: for being a voice, an advocate, and a friend- for doing what you do everyday- for giving all of us hope.

We may be pregnant, but I know I will always be a part of the IF community. I must carry the knowledge everyday that my son/daughter- in spite of all the love and wisdom (ha!) - I plan to give them is ultimately another man's genetic make-up. Ultimately (as we well know) there are burdens in life that we all must bear, and this is one that I happily choose to carry.

We plan to share our news in the very near future with everyone. But I knew that I needed to share this with you before that - and to thank you for being a voice... and perhaps offer you the same hope that you have given me and so many others.

- Edward

You could have knocked me over with a feather after I read that email. I replied and was totally up front with him: I'm so happy for them both, but I know they know that this is also momentarily painful too. I thanked Edward for his compassion, grace, and courage in sharing that with me in such a compassionate, graceful, and courageous way.

It was one of those moments that filled me with hope even through the tears of reading another pregnancy announcement. I hope that one day we do get to experience all of that same joy, and even their fear and guilt too. I feel like it's only natural when IF folks do find out they're pregnant. And I hope we get to experience all of that.

And I hope that if I do, I can show the same level of compassion, grace, and courage to all of you, because I know how hard it will be for some of you to read that. But after reading Edward's email - man, I really hope I do get to share that news with you one day. I was so filled with hope because, unlike the other success stories I read out there - I know Edward. We went to school together, suffered through the same miserable bio class, and while we weren't the best of friends, we got close only recently because we both had such a deeply personal battle in common. And I feel like because I know him, maybe it's totally possible for good things to happen to us, too. His story only makes me more hopeful for our own.

So to Edward and Bella (I couldn't resist): mazel tov on this wonderful blessing, this incredible new chapter in your lives and thank you for being a model of compassionate grace and courage to the rest of us.

Thanks for thinking of us and cheering us on. I'll still be doing the same for you, too.

Dude, it's Men's Health Week!

Spread the word about Men's Health Awareness! Do it for your brothers, your sons, your dads, your husbands, your uncles, and your best boy buds. June is Men's Health Month and this week is Men's Health Week. It happens every year the week before and including Father's Day. I wish I had prepared for this week, because I would have lined up some male-factor IF posts. I do plan to post about the elusive male point of view in the next month or so. Until then and in celebration of Men's Health Week, I'll list some great infertility resources for the men in our lives.

I've also posted an article about Five Myths of Male-Factor Infertility on Examiner.com. Check it out!

Male factor infertility is the sole cause of a couple's infertility issues in about 30% of cases. Female factor accounts for another 30%, and the rest are either unexplained or a combination of the two (source: RESOLVE.org). Infertility is not just a woman's problem, and even when the issue is female factor, it doesn't mean it's not affecting her partner. Here are some great resources that I've come across:

+ Men’s Health Week: A Time for Men to Step up to the Fertility Plate: Dr. Geoffrey Sher of the Sher Institute and puts a call to action for men facing infertility. Read the complete blog post at IVF Authority.

+ Men and Emotions: "Despite the fact that approximately 40% of infertility is attributed to male factors, it appears that men are not as willing or as able as their female partners to talk about their experience. Perhaps this is because we traditionally think of children as a woman's province." Read the rest of the article here at RESOLVE.org.

+ The Semen Analysis and the Men's Infertility Workup: What to expect from your doctor (via RESOLVE.org)

+ Psychological Issues in Male-Factor Infertility: "In general, the man’s reaction to infertility has been viewed by mental health professionals as taking less of an emotional toll than his partner’s... Little room is left for dealing with his own feelings of loss and sadness. This conforms to society’s gender expectations in which men are not given permission to express deep feelings of loss..." Read the rest at the American Fertility Association website.

+ Get Thee to a Urologist!: The title says it all (via AFA).

+ Fourth Anniversary of the Death of My Sweet Baby Boy: A brilliant resource out there for men coping with loss. The articles and entries shared on this site are a resource for men and women alike (via GrievingDads.com).

+ Making Sex Fun While Trying to Get Pregnant: Mandatory sex is no fun. About.com offer's some advice to spice it up!

+ Coping With Mother's Day and Father's Day: With Father's Day approaching, this can be a tough time of year for men and couples struggling with infertility. RESOLVE has some great advice to make it through the day.

+ Add your resource in the comments below! Blogs, articles, websites: all are welcome.

Thyroid & General IF Updates

Dr. G sent over my latest results, with more thoughts on Ari's SA. While the numbers may be borderline, they're ok for IVF, but he wants to boost Ari's count when we eventually go that route. Most likely will involve a modified diet and some vitamins.

Latest thyroid panel: TSH is down from 5.69 to 2.93. T3 and T4 are still mid-range normal. Dr. G wants to up my Levoxyl to 100 mcg. I've felt a noticeable difference since re-upping my dose. We're almost there, but not yet. I'll be so glad when my levels are where they should be.

As for IVF, donor eggs... That's all up in the air. The finances just aren't in place, our current housing arrangements are less than ideal, and really... are we ready to be parents yet? I seem to think I am, but there are moments where I wonder if I'm just blinded by a biological imperative. Ari has a clear timeline in mind, so it looks like it's going to wait for a couple of years yet. It's frustrating, confusing... I'm hanging in, I suppose. I am seriously doubting the viability of even trying to use birth control to stim my ovary anytime in the future. 2 reasons: 1) disappointment. 2) I'd have to complete readjust my thyroid meds again, and lord knows, I am not about to redo the last 7 months of work.

So, we wait.

Until then: get my thyroid in shape, get me in shape.

And wait.

Results are in.

(So, I thought this posted from my phone last night, but my mobile messaging posting thing didn't work. Weird.)

Our doc called us from his home Friday night. Everything has come in as normal; low end of normal (21 million) but normal enough that he's not worried. Motility was a bit low, but isn't a big deal if/when we go IVF since a lab will be injecting sperm into the egg directly into the egg. My doc did say that if I had no IF problems of my own and we were trying to conceive naturally, we might have a slightly harder time than most, but it's a moot point really. Although, it makes me wonder if the birth control stimming "experiment" as my doc calls it, will actually be worth it in a few months. I just don't want to set us up for disappointment, or wasted time.

For now, this is a victory. A small one, but we choose to celebrate any win we can score at this point. It's the first victory we've encountered throughout this whole ordeal. For the first time in months, Ari has a sense of calm about him.

It's nice to have gotten some good news for once.

Facepalm Update.

Results have been faxed to our practice, but no word from Dr. G yet.

Ari called a few minutes ago and spoke to our very wonderful E, who we've learned is the Dir. of Patient Services. Ari was trying to see if there was any way to get the results since Dr. G is still in surgery.

E specifically sent directions to Dr. G's assistant to forward the results to Dr. D... and it sounds like the assistant didn't do this. (We're not sure if "assistant" refers to a static admin who works in the practice, or one of Dr. G's rotating med students. There's a new med student assistant every time I've been there.)

So E (God love her) got the office manager to personally walk the results over to Dr. D, who should hopefully being calling Ari shortly.

I cannot believe how many hoops we have had to go through for this one test result- it's theoretically the easiest and least invasive diagnostic, with fairly quick turnaround, so I find the hold up just a tad frustrating.

I'm goin' nuts over here.

Facepalm.

Still no results yet.

I love my practice, I do. I love my doctor. He's a bit gruff with bedside manner and a lil spacey when it comes to technology, but the man knows his shit, and is practically a pioneer for women's reproductive health in the Boston region.

However, the admin staff at our practice sucks.

Backstory: Dr. Gross wanted Ari to have an SA done, but took his sweet ass time calling in the order. So, just to be safe, we had Ari's PCP, Dr. D., write him up an SA in our practice's system. Dr. G. then called the fertility clinic at MGH directly, and had it put directly in their system. So, theoretically, there's still an SA lab order floating around in the computers at our practice.

Ari's SA was Tuesday. They have to act fast, b/c well, it's not like the sample's going to keep overnight, right? So theoretically, we should have heard by yesterday. When we didn't hear anything by 4pm, Ari called our practice. The admin who answered the phone said there was a message in for Dr. G. to call us back once the results came in.

I explained to Ari that Dr. G had told me to call and ask for him directly, and that he would call the fertility clinic and have it faxed directly to him and then call us. What usually happens is that the results are faxed to our practice's Medical Records office, which takes upwards of 2 weeks to spit it back out to the doctors. Lame, right?

So Ari called back yesterday, and asked to speak with Dr. G directly. The überbitchy receptionist said there was already a message in and basically to stop calling.

Cut to this morning. Dr. D. (Ari's PCP) calls him back and says "I don't even know where you had your SA done; the lab order is still sitting here unfilled in the system." Um, thanks for calling us, but the message was to have Dr. G. call us back.

Cue: *facepalm*

Ari called the practice and spoke to a much more helpful woman, E. She apologizes for the mixed-up message and assures us that Dr. G will call us this afternoon, as he's in surgery this morning. She calls back a few minutes later and says that the fertility clinic hasn't completed the results yet (why is this taking so long??) but will fax them over directly to Dr. G this morning once completed. E also said that Dr. G. might be in surgery this afternoon, so we might have to wait until Monday to get the results.

Are you kidding me? There's no way in hell I'm waiting through the weekend for the results of a goddamned SA! Now, I know I'm Ari's wife, and there are perks to it, but when it comes to medical records and test results, that whole HIPAA thing gets in the way, so Ari has to be the one to call, since it was his test. B/c if I could call, I would flip a shit on them right now.

EDIT: Results are in. Doc is still in surgery, could be all day. Will try to call us today, otherwise first thing Monday morning.

The waiting never ends...

Ari had his SA yesterday. Guys have it so easy initially ;) I got 7 vials of blood drawn for my first round of Dx, he gets to... well, you now how it works.

He called the dr's office today, but the results aren't in yet. I'm chomping at the bit to find out how his swimmers are. We have no reason to believe they'd be anything less than Michael Phelps or Greg Louganis. And yet, as I've so quickly learned in this process, you worry about everything. Even the stuff that you know should be solid. Ari's going to call again tomorrow- I hope my dr will give him the results right over the phone rather than waiting to have it mailed to us. Or he could email it. Either way, I just want to know now.

I'm already mentally preparing myself for the worst... yet I'm trying to remain optimistic. It's a fine line. I was so railroaded with my own Dx (I mean, I knew POF was a possibility but I never thought it would actually happen to me) that I feel like I need to dig my heels in and be ready to take whatever additional bad news might be down the pike.

My S.O.P. is that I'm perpetually waiting for the other shoe to fall.

. . .

In other news, visited friends of ours who just had their first child at the end of June. She's just beautiful- so alert! I was nervous for this visit, but I realized my toughest emotional moments aren't around babies - it's more around pregnant women and situations like showers. It's the expectation and the likelihood of conversation turning to "So who's next?" as opposed to hanging out with the bundle of joy we've been waiting for.

Two things that were awesome about the weekend and made me super excited about having kids one day:

1. I changed not one, not two, but three, yes three (ah ah ah) poopy diapers. 2 from the newborn, 1 from a 10-month-old infant, a child of another friend also visiting. It's no walk in the park, but it's not the absolute worst thing about parenting, I'm sure ;)
2. Baby had a moment where she was just inconsolable... until I managed to bounce and rock and shshsh her to calming and eventually to sleep. It was like a magic trick and it really felt magical.

. . .

*frustrated sigh* Still no qualifying round results yet on my husband's Olympiads? *taps toe impatiently* Come on already, MGH Fertility Clinic!