Back from the Cruise and Back to Life

I'm so sorry I have fallen off the internet radar in the last twoweeks. Just two days after coming home from our vacation, I managed to get one ugly case of strep that knocked me flat on my ass for three days this past week. Even though I was literally been in bed for 48 hours, I've been in so much pain and on so much medication that the thought of sitting down to blog was just too much. And then add to that I'd been out of work from our vacation, back a day, and then out sick for three days... I had a ton of catching up to do.

That being said, I'm back! And I have what I'm sure is going to be a lengthy travelogue of our vacation, because brevity is not my strong suit (my Japan travelogue, which I've not published here, but probably should at some point, is 31 pages and 14,000 words long). Here are the quick hits:

+ Cruise: Awesome! Relaxing. Norwegian is very different than Disney. Love love love me some cruises.
+ Grand Cayman: Beautiful, expensive, touristy, and the ocean water was just the most beautiful cerulean. Managed to avoid a sunburn but got a nice base tan. Bonus: drove a Jeep on the left side of the road (intentionally).
+ Cozumel: Touristy like WHOA, downpouring rain, I really don't like ATVs, and I need to go back there on a fishing charter. Bonus: learned that Cozumel is basically Fertility Island according to Mayan worship.
+ Miami: Art Basel 2010 was in town, South Beach is hopping, hip, and very VERY rich, ate at a delicious authentic French cafe, might have gorged on some gelato, relaxed on the beach before heading home again.
+ In sum: A really wonderful vacation.

And now for the detailed travelogue... Pull up a chair, get comfy: this got long.

We left for Miami the Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend bright and early; we landed at MCO at 8:35am. Having never been to Miami before, we figured we'd tool around for the better part of the morning and head over the ship... the trouble was figuring out what to do with our luggage. We found out we could drop it off at the port starting at 10am, so we took a cab down to the port area and got ourselves some breakfast while we waited. Even though it was only 10am, Larry ordered himself a Cuban sandwich and a smoothie; I went for eggs, ham, and a Cubano coffee. While we ate breakfast, we realized we hadn't made any plans before getting onto the boat. Hm.

Normally, Larry and I are Mr. and Mrs. Travel Agent when it comes to planning our vacations, but we had no clue what do to for the next four hours. We're reading things like Yelp and random travel websites just to get some ideas. In my infinite wisdom, I find a rather misleading blurb for a "Sunday Village Market" featuring "craft sellers" and other neat sounding vendors. I'm thinking it's going to be this very kitschy, hipster, trendy thing.

Oh no. It's a bunch of really lame (less than 10) stalls in this very weird high-end strip mall in the middle of the financial district in Miami. We got there planning to spend a couple of hours checking it out, and we made the rounds in about 20 minutes. And considering it was a rather expensive cab ride to get over there, we didn't just want to turn around and head back to the port. So we did the next best thing: we hit up the Publix and got ourselves some bottles of Coke*.

*Good thing too: I'll get to that reason later.

We decide to head to the ship early and just chill out and explore the boat until we set sail, so it was another $20 cab ride back to the port. Getting onto the boat was easy, but just like at the airport, it was no drinks allowed, so I chugged my little bottle of Coke while I waited in line. Then it dawned on me:

What if the Norwegian is a Pepsi ship?!
 

We couldn't check into our cabin right away so we wandered around the ship, checking out all the restaurants and lounges and nooks and crannies. As we set sail, we headed down to the pool deck for a Caribbean inspired barbecue with steel drums and plenty of fruity cocktails. We splurged and got ourselves a fruity concoction of orange juice, strawberries, and a fair amount of rum. As we set sail and watched Miami fade into the distance, we were already feeling mighty relaxed.

The next day we were at sea all day, so we got to explore the various activities on board. We watched a delicious cooking demonstration and got to meet the Executive Chef of the ship. We hung out by the pool and got a nice tan. We met another couple on the boat who we would end up running into throughout our trip. We played shuffleboard (way harder than you would think) and I loved just watching the water. The coolest part? Seeing several schools of bonito (flying fish) glide over the waves and back into the water. I wondered at what point does a school of flying fish become a flock. I was also just amazed at the changing palettes of blue as I gazed out at the sea- I never knew there could be so many subtle shades. For dinner, we went to the sushi restaurant on board where I couldn't resist ordering bonito sashimi... it was friggin' delish.

The next day we anchored at Grand Cayman and took one of the first tender boats to the island. The heat was almost a shock to our systems: just oppressively hot in the late morning sun. What amazed me more: the folks who headed right off the boat and pulled up a seat at the port-side bar. Really? At 10am? Larry and I aren't big drinkers, so this was a cultural thing that was beyond us. (Sidebar: I really don't know how recovering alcoholics can go on cruises. The amount of drinking combined with how much it's peddled at you is almost overwhelming.) We headed out for our 4x4 Jeep tour of the island. As we hopped on the shuttle bus from the port, we became acutely aware that everyone was driving on the left. Oh right.... British colony and all. Well, it should certainly make driving our Jeeps interesting!

Larry's inaugeral drive on the left side of the road.

Larry drove first. We were paired up with a lovely little old lady from Wisconsin named Shana. She had no interest in driving (thank G-d) but she was a total shotgun hog the entire time. Otherwise, very pleasant, sweet woman. The driving took a little getting used to: we drove on the left, but our Jeep was American and not retro-fitted for left driving, so the steering wheel was also on the left. When I got to drive later in the tour, the sensation was very disorienting. Making right turns were not only cognitively confusing, but just plain dangerous, as my muscle memory was conditioned to look pretty much left before pulling out (your last look should be to the right as you have to cross a lane of oncoming traffic. Like I said, disorienting and dangerous).

We stopped at the National Forest and overlooked a stunning view of the reef- the second largest barrier reef in the world. From the beach to the reef are depths of anywhere between six and fifteen feet. Beyond the reef, it's a straight drop of anywhere from 2000-6000 feet! In the forest, we were told to keep our eyes peeled for wild iguana... sadly the only one I saw there was roadkill :-/

From there we headed to the Tortuga Rum Cake Factory. Remember when I mentioned that I'm glad I chugged the Coke before boarding the ship? Turns out: you either have to buy a soda plan with a special mug, or pay $2 a glass on the boat. So of course, even though Grand Cayman is probably one of the most expensive Western Caribbean islands (because everything on the island is imported), I still put down $3 for a 20 oz bottle of delicious, delicious soda. We also tasted a sample of some rather sweet rum cake (Larry swears it's his Nan's sherry cake recipe) and did a shot of some rum that tasted somewhere between rocket fuel, banana, and delicious. Oh and then I drove again. How's that for responsible? We made another stop at Hell, this weird coral formation in the middle of the island that looks like... well, hell. There I saw an iguana in a tree and nearly stepped on one that then ran up a coconut tree.

It was back to the beach for a couple of hours where we finally got to go into the ocean- it was so warm and clear. We even went snorkeling and saw lots of awesome fish just neck deep out. We added another layer to our tan and felt totally relaxed and exhausted after just a couple of hours in the waves. After a 2 hour clusterfuck nightmare trying to get back on the boat when we got on the last tender boat back to the ship, Larry had a little chat with the front desk and we ended up with a free dinner and a bottle of wine at the steakhouse on board (food is free, but they have upgradable dining experiences). The filet I had was bangin'. Larry's porterhouse was obscene. The wine- a carmenere- just perfect.

The next day we docked at Cozumel. We were up early again for our big ATV adventure in the jungle. As we got off the boat, we were surprised at how chilly it was, and saw the looming dark greyness on the horizon. As we waited in our excursion holding area at the port, we saw the darkness slowly begin to hide the landscape behind a thick grey veil. It was headed right towards us. We ran inside one of the portside shops for cover as the downpour hit. It was our first encounter with a Mexican pharmacia - where I could literally take my pick of otherwise prescription drugs in the United States. It was surreal.

The rain continued and we made our way through near ankle deep water toward the bus. The streets were flooded and yet our bus zipped along the highway at breakneck speed. We arrived and the rain subsided only long enough to watch our safety video. By this time, Larry and I were already soaked to the bone. As I picked up my helmet and said a little prayer for safety (I was pretty much terrified out of my mind to do this), the rain came down even harder. Great, I thought, just great.

The guide put me in third gear since this rattling gas heap of death was a semi-automatic ATV. Larry took the ATV in front of me and we were off - way faster of a start than I would have ever liked. There was a short rush of exhileration as I got up to about 40 miles per hour in that first flat stretch that turned to panic as we started hitting the rougher terrain. The trails were completely flooded. It was like riding through a river of chocolate milk. I'd zip along and then slow down suddenly when I'd hit dips of 2-3' deep waters, then gun the engine to slosh through it, mud flying all around me and all over me. I stalled twice (once shouting at Larry in front of me as he just sped away) when I slowed down too much in the water.

Never, ever again.

We reached the midway point of the adventure and took a break. It had stopped raining and you could see the sun straining to break through the thick layer of clouds above. Our guide Jaime took us to the top of a hill where we stood in the middle of Mayan ruins. As my back and arms ached from the ride so far, our guide told us about the history of the island of Cozumel. The Mayans are known for being a people who practiced human sacrifice, but none were performed at Cozumel. The island was sacred to the singular Mayan goddess, Ixchel. As the Mother Goddess, Mayans honored and respected her by not defiling her island with such sacrifices. And cue the "we can never really escape our infertility" moment: she was of course, the goddess of midwifery, birth, and fertility, so ancient Mayan couples (and even present day Mexicans) traveled to the island to conceive and venerate Ixchel. Supposedly, those that conceived on the island were blessed with very large families. Between our three guides alone were 19 children! (Jesus, the man who would save me from my two stalls, was father to 11 children. Um, nuts.)

Jaime made some jokes about this excursion featuring a special massage package: "So tell me, men, have you liked your cajones massage so far? And ladies, how is your boobies massage?" It was the first time I really cracked a smile, and we were back on the ATVs. "The rest of this is much easier, less rocky," Jaime promised.

Lies.

Yeah, he loved it.

Deeper, longer stretches of water, seriously rocky sharp turns, and the whole time I'm convinced I'm going to flip off and get crushed by this vehicle or drown, I'm not sure which first. The ATV was genuinely a bit tough to steer. Adding to the fact that I was smack in the middle of the line, I had to drive much faster than I wanted just to keep up. The sun managed to come out, as did the mosquitos and some huge, radiant butterflies. We finally made it back in one piece. Larry was grinning from ear to ear - he loved it. I was pretty much exhausted, soaked to the core, and ready to take a shower.

We went back to the ship covered in mud. I was freezing, as the wind was still going strong, so I just shivered the whole walk down the dock. After a hot shower, a clean change of clothes and a snack, we went back to the port to do a little shopping. We checked out all the various touristy shops, looked at some jewelry, cohibas, and endless bottles of tequila but only walked away with a magnet. We decided to stop by Señor Frog's, since we'd heard so much about "that's the place you have to go to in Mexico!"

Oh my. Oh my goodness, Señor Frog's. We managed to spend $33 on two yards (28oz) of pure fruity alcoholic madness between Larry and me, and get three free shots of tequila as we danced in a congo line where the waiters shot the alcohol from squeeze bottles into our open mouths as we passed them. I basically experiened a lifetime's worth of College Spring Breaks in about... 20 minutes. Yeah. 20 minutes and that much alcohol. I was wasted before we even got back onto the ship, which was only a 10 minute walk from Señor Frog's to the gangway.

And of course, we were heading to the ship's cinema for the lighting of the menorah on board. It was the first night of Hanukkah and I have to hand it to Norwegian - they had a rabbi on board, a hanukkiah with actual candles (and a fire extinguisher on hand), latkes and Manischewitz. We sang songs and said the blessings- from what I remember, it was lovely. About 60 people showed up, way more than I would have expected. It was nice.

I then headed back to the cabin where I pretty much passed out for two hours and slept off some of the shame that was Señor Frog's.

The rest of the time was at sea as we made our way back to Miami. I forget the blur of nights on the ship, but we saw two magic shows: one in the theatre (he made a helicopter appear onstage. The levitation bit at the beginning was cheesy, but I admit, the helicopter was pretty cool) and one in the cinema where he did nothing but sleight of hand card work. Admittedly the latter was the better show: I basically had to pick my jaw up off the floor. (I have a thing for magic.) We also saw two improv performances of a Second City troupe (best show on the boat) and one of the ship's performers' "shows." I use quotes because their show was just... a trainwreck. But whatever, it was free entertainment and we were happy to be entertained.

Before we knew it we were back in Miami, after some rather choppy waters on the way home. I never got seasick, but it did give me a headache. Best $80 of the cruise was spent on having our bags sent ahead to our plane from the boat. We breezed through Customs and had the whole day and early evening to explore Miami. We took a cab and made a beeline for South Beach.

I posted on Facebook that day that South Beach is basically a foreign country. There was a point at which Larry and I could have moved there, and so we kept looking at it through the lens of once-potential residents. We walked down the famous Lincoln Road, checking out all the shops and galleries. Art Basel 2010 was that weekend in addition to already being a pretty art-centric town to begin with. (I love the description of Art Basel from their website: "Art Basel Miami Beach is the most important art show in the United States, a cultural and social highlight for the Americas." Translation: I'm kind of a big deal.) We discovered an artist we hadn't heard of, Britto - he's got a thing for adorable cats. He's like Keith Haring on Prozac and E.

We made our way to the ever expensive and scenic Ocean Drive, passing hotel after hotel. At one point we passed a group of people, presumably family, that no joke looked straight out of National Lampoon European Vacation, when they're all wearing the ridiculous Italian "fashions" except the people that passed us were for real. Totally had to be in town for Art Basel. G-d, I hope so anyway.

We stopped down Espanola Way into the Spanish Village Historic District and ate... French. Very authentic French at A La Folie Cafe. From there we grabbed a quite bite of pretty amazing gelato and off to the beach. The water was surprisingly cold, so we just laid out and sunbathed for a couple of hours. As sunset approached, I whipped out the menorah I had been carrying in my purse (what can I say, I'm a prepared Jew) and we lit candles for the third night of Hanukkah right there on the beach. We strolled up and down Ocean Drive people watching and ogling the many very fast, very expensive cars that lines the street. I loved walking around and hearing various techno and electronica being played from every store. We even passed a clothing store- a clothing store!- where a live DJ was actually spinning tunes in the window. The urge to dance randomly was strong. Remember what I said about Miami being a foreign country? Yeah. Totes.

We grabbed a slice of pizza, got a second helping of gelato for the day, and took a cab to the airport. It was time to go home. In all, we had a really wonderful, relaxing time. You know it was a low-key trip as we only took about 150 pictures total (Japan we took something like, 900 pics and and hour of video). Although we're usually power-travelers who need something to do everyday and we did get a smidge cabin fevery on the last day at sea, it was nice just to have the freedom to relax. We had a lot of great "us" time.

Team Zoll has had another great vacation. Next year (and Larry's pinky-sworn to it): Israel!!!

Check out all of our vacation photos here online.

. . .
Now, let's get back to getting some posts up about infertility again... I've had a lot brewing in my head the last week. Back to regular posting now - promise :)

A stack of books

...for me to listen.

I love my Audible account. Listening to audiobooks on my way into work makes the time fly. My husband and I are our account; we're able to do so by racking up tons of credits. Instead of carrying a stack of books on the plane and dragging them around the beaches next week* I just bring my iPhone and hit play.

*Oh yeah, we're going on a cruise next week. Details in Saturday's post.

I've downloaded several titles- more than I'll ever listen to in one week, but enough so that if I want variety, it's there.

Right now I'm listening to The Girl Who Played with Fire by Stieg Larsson, the second of the Millenium trilogy. Yes, it's as good as everyone says. Seriously dark content- do be forewarned- but immersive and irresistable. I finally broke down and watched The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo; I had promised myself I would wait to watch the movies until I'd finished the books, but now it's strangely satisfying to picture the actors in my head as I listen. Thankfully the pace of this second book picks up considerably faster than Dragon Tattoo.

I've also got Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro on tap. This was recently made into a film with Keira Knightley and Carey Mulligan. On all appearances it looks like a period, turn of the century English boarding school story, but upon closer inspection, it's actually a dystopian sci-fi piece. I won't spoil it, but I made the mistake of reading more about the film and kind of know what it's all about, but it's received sweeping reviews so I thought I'd give it a whirl.

Other audiobooks in my queue:

The Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan. In short: corn is in everything. I totally get it. But as a foodie, this is apparently a very important book to read. Similarly, I want to listen to...

Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver. Unfortunately, after previewing the author reading her own work, the pace is so staggeringly slow that I'll actually have to read the book rather than listening to it. (This is also how Twilight didn't make the cut. The narrator's nasally voice was a total turn off. Also, after listening to about 5 minutes from each book in the series, I realized just how awful the writing is and I just can't do it to myself. I'll watch the movies, but that's it.)

The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown. I know, I know - same plot, same characters, different conspiracy theory. However, I find his books like a good popcorn flick. Also, it's about Freemasonry so I can appreciate the themes.

And finally, Room by Emma Donahue. It's a new release and an interesting premise: it's told in the narrative of a 5-year old boy named Jack who's been locked in a single room all his life by his Ma and under the oppressive shadow of Old Nick. And then one night, Ma and Jack escape, and the tale unfolds from there.

What are y'all reading or listening to?

"And miles to go before I sleep."

I think it's time for another...

C25K: And miles to go...

Today will be Week 2, Day 3 of the C25K challenge that Larry and I are doing together. Last Friday, (Week 1, Day 3) was hard. If it weren't for Larry jogging by my side, slowing his pace, and cheering me on, I don't think I would have finished. Come Monday, it was a different story. I was jogging for a slightly longer clip at a time (90 seconds instead of 60 seconds) and went for my first solo run. It was definitely tough, but I didn't hit quite the wall that I did the previous run. I felt really proud of myself for managing to run on my own through my neighborhood.

Wednesday was wonderful- again, tough, but rewarding. I even did my run on my lunch break at work, meeting a friend of mine at the track behind my office. Claire was such a good sport- she's a week behind on the program, and when she accidentally dropped her phone and lost her training app progress, she kept up with my week's program in spurts. It was a great way to break up the work day (thank G-d for extra anti-perspirant and body spray) and I felt pretty amazing and productive for the rest of the day.

Larry is out of town at a trade show in NYC, so after working a 15 hour day on Wednesday, he couldn't run. We made a promise to each other  that if either one of us was out of town for a run day, we'd still run. So he ran yesterday to make up for it and we'll run together tonight after work. I was so proud of him for running yesterday morning, despite his hectic work schedule and unfamilar terrain. (Apparently, running in Manhattan is a beast.)

This week's routine is just a smidge higher in intensity than last week's: 5 minute warmup, jog for 90 seconds, walk for 2 minutes. Repeat for 20 minutes, 5 minute cooldown. So in a given run, I've been jogging for 9 minutes spread out over the half hour. Next week it ramps up, I'm still jogging a total of 9 minutes in a given program, but 6 of those minutes are in 3 minute clips- should be interesting.

So far I've run a total of 6.55 miles. I'm averaging about 1.75 miles in my 30 minutes, more than half of a 5k.The great thing about this program is that in about 8 weeks, I should be doubling that mileage in the same amount of time.

I'm looking forward to that challenge. For the first time in my life, I am really psyched about accomplishing a very tangible fitness goal.

Harry Potter 7, pt.1: ...before I sleep.

I went with my friend Charlotte last night to see the first installment of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. There's a lot of fun to be had at midnight showings, especially for a franchise as epic as HP. There were cloaks and burgundy and gold striped ties, scarves, and hats, as well as lightning tattoos and drumsticks doubling as wands. I opted for a more practical solution: pajamas. The movie runs about 2.5 hours, so my plan was to roll into bed once I got home. Getting up this morning for work was brutal.

It's a really excellent film that stays rather close to the book (including the fairly boring stretches of wandering through the wilderness a la Lord of the Rings). If you haven't read the books, I imagine this film would have been a nightmare. There's no catching up to speed on the previous 904 minutes of film. Either you know what a horcrux is or you're drowing in 6 movies' worth of established mythology.

I won't spoil any surprises, but there is a scene from the book I had completely forgotten about toward the end of the film - seeing it onscreen was both visually satisfying (yummy Daniel Radcliff) and kind of weird, because as I realized last night... I've been watching these actors grow up for over a decade. The Harry Potter films have spanned my 20's. It was almost awkward to see such a "racy" scene. But it's a nice payoff to mounting tensions throughout the film. (Especially if you're like me and perpetually took issue with certain main characters' romantic choices. I'll just leave it at... Team Harry would have been epic.)

The film ends rather abruptly, but I suppose it's really the best place to halve the two films. I'm kind of going nuts to see part 2. And considering how emotional I became at several moments in last night's installment, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be a wreck at end of it all. Like I was for LOST (nigh inconsolable) and Battlestar Galactica (quite moved but still annoyed at some of Ron Moore's obvious copouts).

In sum: Harry Potter 7, pt. 1 is a really excellent film- more of a dark series of character studies than action driven linear plot. It follows quite closely to the book and I think for those of us who are invested in the franchise on both page and screen, it will be a very satisfying adaptation. I'm glad I didn't see it with Larry last night... because now it gives me an excuse to go see it again!

I'm going to try very, very hard not to fall asleep at my desk. Getting to bed at 3am and up by 7:30am are not sitting well with me at all, and this iced coffee isn't doing much either... *thud, snores, drool*

Happy Friday all.

RESOLVE of New England Annual Conference Recap

For all the nearly minute-by-minute details, check out yesterday's live blog here.

Now that I've had nearly a whole day to digest the conference... let me sum it up for you: wow. We left bright and early and had a long day ahead of us. Eight hours of discussing infertility can be pretty exhausting, and I won't lie: it was. Yet at the end of the day I felt exhilarated.

We officially had more attendees this year than last year; we even had close to 20 walk-in registrants! I don't know the final number, but I think we were just over 200 attendees. I finally got to meet (and spend more than 2 minutes talking to) some fabulous bloggers, including Melissa from Stirrup Queens and Jes from Baby Bump Bound. I also met a couple of readers - shoutouts to Moira and Victoria! We had folks coming from Vermont and Maine and Boston and Quincy and Schenectady, New York.

The most profound fact that I realized at the end of the day, however, was realizing that just last year, Larry and I were coming as wide-eyed, overwhelmed, newly diagnosed attendees. This year, we came back as volunteers and the experience was much more different for us this time around; in a good way, of course.

I experienced both blinder and reverse blinder effects. Last year, I was wearing blinders on my emotional experience; I was looking through a tunnel of my own pain and grieving with only minimally reaching out to others. This year, as a volunteer, the blinders came off. In interacting with so many other people: attendees, other volunteers, vendors, and speakers, I saw a much broader emotional spectrum. Sure, I still saw that same pain, grief, and even frustration, but I think my role as a volunteer, combined with my recognizability from my video, there was a greater sense of openness, of connection with people there. Last year it took all I had to be able to open up and share in the last session of the day, "Dealing with the Outside World." This year, I was sharing everything from my upcoming 2nd opinion appointment to the ways I've been able to cope- and not cope- in the last year.

By that same token, last year, I felt like I was inundated with an overload of information. This year, I had my information-gathering blinders on. Since I didn't attend every session and was concentrating on a) making sure I was performing my duties b) connecting and networking with folks and c) live blogging throughout the day, my attentions were divided and so I feel like I walked away with substantially less information this year. But that's okay - like I said above, the connections alone I made with people were worth the experience.

I also talked with a fellow RESOLVE of New England member about the vibe this year - definitely a different vibe. We both agreed that last year there were lots more couples appearing stressed out at the end of the day. This year: smiles, laughter, and again, seeing people reaching out and talking with others.  I also noticed the crowd this year appeared younger. I remember distinctly feeling in the age minority last year whereas this year, I saw a good number of couples that appeared in the "under 30" crowd. It was great to see that with a larger attendance the overall vibe was both more positive and the crowd younger.

I'm going to post my theories, totally unscientifically researched, about why this year felt different.

1. The economy was really in the crapper this time last year. I remember last year freaking out about being able to even afford to come. We were very lucky and very grateful to receive a scholarship for the both of us to attend. When you're at a Family Building Conference and realize that even with the Massachusetts Infertility Mandate, ART or adoption is going to cost you anywhere from $15 - $40K, I'm sure that would put anyone in a foul mood. I'm not saying the economy has snapped back, but it's certainly better this year than it was this time last year.

2. Increased media coverage of infertility (even negative) in the past year. I know we are still dealing with the aftermath of Octomom and yes, we're still wrestling with the ethical dilemmas of the 70-year old first-time mother in India or the 57-year old new mother of twins in Australia - but we've had some good press too. And with shows like Giuliana & Bill and their efforts with RESOLVE National, I think there has been a shift in the infertility media landscape. The most important thing is that the media is covering infertility, people are talking about it. With increasing dialogue I think comes an openness to making connections with others in the same boat.

3. An aggressive social media campaign. I know I'm certainly part of this, from blogging and tweeting and Facebooking every chance I could about the Conference, but it was all a part of a larger strategy by RESOLVE of New England to reach out to a broader audience through the online channels of which we're attuned. And I have to say, I think the strategy worked.

In sum, I think this was an incredibly successful conference, one that I'm proud not only to have been a part of, but proud to see how far we've come in a year. I am by no means "over" my infertility or finished grieving or living emotionally well with all of this - but we have come a helluva long way in a year. I find that inspiring for myself, and I hope it inspires and gives you hope too.

If I didn't see you at the Conference this year... I hope it's because you've resolved in some way. And if you haven't, I'll still be there next year.

RESOLVE of New England Annual Conference Live Blog!

I'm blogging live today from the RESOLVE of New England Annual Conference in Marlborough, MA. Stay tuned for updates throughout the day - make sure to hit F5/Refresh! Newest updates at the top of this post.

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5:15pm - Alrighty, we're out. Full recap post tomorrow. Thanks for following along for this live blog!

5:08pm - Wow. What a day. Just waiting for Larry to come back with his Room Monitor Sheet from the For Men Only Ask the Expert Session.

4:27pm - Helping to tally up the Room Monitor sheets... so far, the morning sessions were really well attended! Great to see folks dropping off evals on their way out, but I hope folks are heading to the Ask the Experts sessions! It's nice to sit at the main table and answer questions for folks. Also? If I haven't mentioned this already? Everyone is super friendly- presenters, exhibitors, volunteers, and attendees. A very safe space indeed for folks at every stage of their journey. Hm, probably should have mentioned that at the beginning of the day :)

4:00pm - Talking about known donors: there's not a lot written about it right now, and that's an indicator of how well they work. All in all, this is a really great session. Have to scoot... I'm working as the Room Monitor Captain for the Ask the Experts Panels at 4:20pm!

3:53pm - Amazing analogy that cracked up the group re: explaining conception to young children -  Conception equals three ingredients: ovum, sperm, uterus. PB&J sandwiches equals three ingredients: PB, J, and bread. If you're out of PB, you don't replace it with mustard because it's the same color. So, kids as young as 4 and 5 can begin to understand the basics of using donor gametes in their conception. Fair enough. Now I want a PB&J sandwich.

3:50pm - Nancy raises an excellent point about revealing donor gamete status. We must ask ourselves: "This is my child's information. If I share this information with others, will it help or hurt my child?" Ultimately, it all comes back to your child.

3:48pm - Members of the audience agree: sharing your stories with others is a good thing. The panelists talk about creating A and B teams - who are the people who can truly support you, and you might find that one person can shift from A to B, based on life circumstances. Your best girlfriend who is your strongest A team member becomes pregnant, and now you can't relate on the same way. She moves to the B team, but she's still your support, just in a more removed way. It's nice to hear other people share that when they've opened up to others they've gotten a flood of support.

3:41pm - Best statement of the conference, from the male panelist: "There's a lot of ways you can cope, but the one thing you learn through these opportunities is, you are not alone." Good lord is that true. That folks, is why I'm blogging and advocating and volunteering. We are not alone.

3:34pm - Lynn: The whole process feels very overwhelming at the start and you're just freshmen now, but you'll be sophomores soon. It'll all make sense soon. The first panelist makes a great counterpoint: it's okay if you're not able to get to that stage, or not able to be comfortable about going to that next step. Refreshing viewpoint!

3:28pm - Nancy: "Parenting is really flying by the seat of your pants." Totally rings of Melissa's keynote speech from this morning about "Just wing it."

3:22pm - Amazing statement from the previous panelist's husband: after 2 failed IVFs, they looked at their doctor and asked, "Why should we do this?" Their doctor's response: "Because one of those eggs could be your baby." And one of those eggs became their daughter. He also spoke beautifully about how much he wanted to see his wife pregnant, to spoon in the middle of the night, feel that big round belly and feel the baby move. "There's nothing like that in the world." First of all, totally never expected to hear this from a guy, so well said. Secondly - wow. Just... wow. It's so relieving to hear someone else express the desire to be a part of that pregnancy experience, as either mother or father. Just beautiful and really moving - lots of sniffles behind me in the audience.

3:13pm - Another panelist shares the very painful recollection of when her RE told her that she was not a candidate for IVF because of her age, despite being otherwise healthy. "It was a long process to try to work through that." She discusses weighing adoption vs. egg donation and went through the loss. Ultimately, the decision for egg donor won because experiencing the pregnancy was important to she and her husband, as well as having control over the health of the child as opposed to the lack of control over maternal health via adoption. Man, this is really stirring up some emotions for me. I hate the idea of feeling selfish for wanting to experience pregnancy.

3:08pm - Awesome comment from one of the parent panelists: when she was telling her 11 year old son that she was speaking at the conference today about donor egg and donor sperm, he told her: "You should bring me in as an example, mom!"

3:05pm - Nancy Docktor and Lynn Nichols, both consultants (private practice and BostonIVF respectively) open things up with our panel of parents who have been through donor gametes.

2:59pm - Waiting for Donor Egg & Donor Sperm: Asking the Tough Questions to begin. Interestingly enough, after talking with Larry today... if we had the chance to conceive with my eggs, we'd go for it. This opens up an interesting can of worms for later, but I'll get into that in a separate post.

2:02pm - Taking a break from the sessions to check out the exhibitors. Lots of candy to give away, as well as neat swag (props to Harvard Vanguard for the pillbox keychain!) and of course, tons of great information. Also great to see Joanne from Circle+Bloom. And I had a wonderful conversation with Davina - apparently she LOVES her doc... who just happens to be the person I'm seeing next week for my second opinion. Very comforting to talk with her about her experience, as I'm nervous about the possibilities.

1:07pm - So... I just got a Volunteer Award. Um, seriously not expecting this and TOTALLY flattered and humbled. Thanks RNE ladies! Y'all rock! (And props to Lee Collins, Terri Davidson, Amy Demma, and Sandy O'Keefe for their Volunteer Awards as well!)

12:57pm - RNE Board Member and Advocacy Director Davina Fankhauser is giving out RNE's Advocacy Awards to our corporate sponsors who helped to get the Infertility Mandate updated in MA. Recipients (in alpha order): BostonIVF, Brigham & Women's, Mass General Hospital, Reproductive Science Center (and specifically Dr. Samuel Peng), and Village Pharmacy. Davina has also announced a celebration of Family Building legislation at the MA State House on Wednesday, Dec. 15th from 2-3pm.

12:15pm - Really informative session. Learned a lot about the legality and the ways in which embryo donation programs vary throughout the country. Now, time for lunch! My tummy is a rumblin'.

11:58am - Susan: Virtually all states have statutes regarding sperm donation: children created through donor sperm are the children of the recipient couple. 9 states have statutes expanding this to include both egg and embryo donation. Sadly, MA is not one of these states. Only GA and FL have laws with specific terminology regarding embryo adoption. She recommends a "belt and suspenders" approach just to make sure that your family is protected by the law, and that means approaching a judge in those 41 other states and going through the procedure to adopt your own child. An almost absurd approach, but it's the safest and broadest protection to the legality of your family and ultimately, it's a bunch of paperwork more than it is from the traditional adoption approach.

11:49am - Amy: While it's legally complex, the legality should not be a deterrent if embryo donation is the right path to family building for you. Susan: Even with known donors, get a contract. Sometimes this can even be a screening tool if someone you know isn't willing to do a contract, this might send out a red flag for the eventual legality of your future family.

11:45am - Susan: Many couples who do IVF are willing to check off the "donate my leftover embryos" prior to achieving parenthood but often change their mind after the fact when they realize that there is the potential for their children to have genetically-related siblings out there in the world. A great discussion going on about consent.

11:40am - An overview of the process: 1) Find embryos. 2) Get them screened (look up IVF records, have donors and recipients screened). 3) Homestudy - are you suitable recipients per the standards of the donation agency? And those standards vary greatly across the map. 4) Medical protocol for the transfer itself. From a mental health professional in the audience: how much does the recipient family get to know about the donor? It varies from program to program. All of the donations that Amy has been a part of have been known. The point is raised that the mental health issues that face adoptive parents are nearly the same for embryo donation recipients.

11:33am - To the African-American woman earlier: don't be discouraged as there ARE options- there are donors and embryos to be found, but just requires some digging. Amy has some great resources to refer to her.

11:28am - Just learned about PGD (Pre-implantation genetic diagnosis). Mind. BLOWN. You can take 1 cell from an 8-cell embryo and run it through hundreds of genetic tests and then you can STILL grow a healthy embryo from the remaining 7 cells. WHUT.

11:25am - Interesting screening issue: donor couple needs to be screened, but if the embryo was conceived using donor gametes, then those donors need to be screened. This of course, varies by clinic, but an important point to consider.

11:21am - "The first place you should start looking for embryo donation programs is with your own clinic." - Amy Demma. The list she started with just two years ago has grown extensively. A large portion of programs have been faith-based, but they have been expanding, as Amy's noted in a really fantastic handout packet.

11:13am - Important distinction: embryo donation is the proper term as legally, embryo "adoption" means that you don't have legal ownership of the child you've carried for 9 months until 4 days after its born (in MA, at least). A small distinction, but a legally important one. Terminology, as I've been learning in our IF journey, is vitally important. Other key definition: embryo donation is a frozen egg that has been fertilized. From a personal perspective, it's where adoption and donor egg/sperm meet. Neat.

11:07am - Survey of the room: some MA couples, 2 folks from NY, and 1 couple from NH. Important to know since laws vary from state to state. Speakers are lawyers Susan Cocklin and Amy Demma, both area lawyers specializing in infertility law.

10:57am - Waiting for the Embryo Donation session to start. Looking forward to getting some more information about a subject about which I don't really have much knowledge. Interesting side-conversation overhead: an African-American woman expresses concerns that her clinic does have embryo donation, but no African-American embryos. A point I would have never considered; even though I'm half-Japanese, I have the luxury of being able to "pass" as "white." That's why ladies like Broken Brown Egg are a vital voice in this community: the African-American perspective on infertility is often forgotten about. Whoa, got off topic here. More updates soon with the latest info re: embryo donation.


10:34am - See! I met Melissa. Here's photographic evidence :) Also, what a great conversation - everything from blogging and book writing to "the ribbon cross lady on the plane." Oh, I do hope she blogs about her b/c that was a hysterical story. Time to head off to the volunteer table - first volunteer assignment of the day coming up: being room monitor for the Embryo Donation session.

10:04am - Chatting with Melissa Ford. She is one cool lady! Discussing the virtues of self-hosting my blog.

9:07am - My husband just called me the "Infertility Engadget" with this liveblog. I'm touched and flattered. Also, the conference Twitter hashtag is #RNE10.

9:04am - Q: Is there a clearinghouse of correct information? A: Go with your gut. Case in point? The multiple times Melissa has received advice to rub yam cream on herself. Yam cream?! Wow. She also addresses the Robutussin lore: may not be scientifically backed up, but we hear about it everywhere. Ultimately? Take it back to your doctor.

8:59am - Exciting! We're opening up for question & answers. Q: Are their blogs for men? Sure ARE! (Looking for them? You can check out some of them here under "The Elusive Male Point of View."). Oh, PS? We need more male voices out there.

Q: "Can you blog anonymously?" A: Absolutely - and if you do choose to reveal your identity, great advice - don't name your doctor, don't name your clinic. (Note to self: I'm going to go back and delete some stuff.) Referencing the Justin Long fiasco. You can also "come out" on your own terms, and when you're ready.

8:54am - "Go online and find your virtual tribe." Great point about the ways in which we seek support. "Go home and start a blog." Wow, so true - that's exactly how I got started, and I know so many of you did too! Shoutout for the ALI Blogroll. "And while support won't cure infertility, it will give you refuge."

8:53am - "The only way out of infertility is through infertility."

8:52am - Best advice for life, received from her dear friend Carla when Melissa forgot the notes to her first book reading: "Just wing it." Life doesn't always go according to plan, and that pausing from life isn't an option. Don't stop living - we can't let infertility take away from living our lives. "Just wing it" is the anti-"just relax."

8:48am - "When the losses are that small that they can be hidden, what right do I have to mourn deeply?" Melissa reflects about the loss of Politics and Prose owner, Carla Cohen and ties it back to the journey of infertility. How do you share a silent experience with others?

8:45am - "Infertility: the news never comes at a good time." Um, truth sister. Sing it, Melissa!

8:41am - Lots of conference raffles... exciting! Also, here comes keynote speaker, Melissa Ford!

8:32am - Been here for a few minutes now, finally connected to the hotel WiFi AND I just met the Stirrup Queen herself, Melissa Ford! Exciting. Also, as far as I've heard - we're officially over the number of pre-registered attendees from last year... final numbers at the end of the day once we figure in walk-in attendees. Considering purchasing a 2nd copy of her book for her to sign since we still haven't unpacked our (21) boxes of books yet. Oops. Ahah, here come Rebecca Lubens, Executive Director of RESOLVE of New England and Melissa Ford... and here we go!

6:46am - And we're off! On the road to the Conference. Hope to arrive just past 8am.

When Foodie Met Iffy

As I have mentioned on many occasion, I have a thing for Anthony Bourdain. Larry is fully aware that I would leave him for Anthony Bourdain, should the opportunity present itself. It's strange: I'm not really an "older man" kind of gal, but there's a hipness, a realness, a damn fine sexiness about the man.

I'm sorry, I need to mop up this puddle of drool down the front of my shirt.

Now that I'm commuting to work, I've got nearly two hours in my day of uninterrupted me time. Since checking my email or reading the internet while driving is generally frowned upon (in fact, now recently illegal in MA), I could get back into my habit of listening to NPR in the mornings. Instead, I'm taking the audiobook route. I just finished The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson. I know, late to the game on that whole series. (Sidebar: it's incredible - a slowly building, unsettling climax that makes your jaw drop.) I'd already read Kitchen Confidential, so I figured Medium Raw was sure to be a great read with Mr. Bourdain himself narrating again.

Medium Raw IS a great read/listen. This morning, I felt almost dirty listening to Tony describe his favorite bowl of Hanoi pho in his chapter about food porn, aptly titled "Lust." And as I listened to the opening chapter [SPOILER ALERT] where he describes his practically godless experience consuming ortolan [/SPOILER ALERT]- I felt almost ashamed listening to it... and instantly jealous.

So, knock me over with a feather as I'm bawling last night after I finished chapter 13, "Dancing." I was listening to it over dinner since Larry was at a lodge meeting. Bourdain devotes an entire chapter to his 2.5 year old daughter and why he wanted to be a father.

Fuck, I can't even listen to an audiobook in an entirely non-infertility related category, read by one of my celebrity crushes no less, without being reminded of this profound lack in my life. Thank you infertility, for managing to crash yet another "I thought this was a safe area of my life" parties.

Not to spoil the whole chapter, but Bourdain speaks of how he practically worships his little girl: she's his whole world, and rightfully so. From prying Play-Do from under his fingernails to dancing without a care, to ditching the leather motorcycle jacket for a pair of Dockers khakis - Bourdain leaves for his daughter a loving, razor-edged legacy of wit and wisdom, and ultimately, a love letter of empowerment.

He does spend a good bit of the chapter talking about his desire for fatherhood. After his 2006 ordeal in Beirut, where he and the crew of No Reservations was stranded due to nothing short of a war, Bourdain came back to the US and pretty much got off the plane, went home, and made a baby. Seriously. This isn't so much paraphrasing as it is nearly verbatim from the book.

Lately, I have been way down on myself. There's been some flutter of varying pregnancy-related announcements again in my life, so once again I feel like the last kid picked for the team. I've been wrestling with the idea of getting a second opinion, and worrying that depending on what Doc #2 could say, might change all of our plans. This past weekend I had to scurry home suddenly after a lunch date with a friend. After we parted, I continued to browse the little shops all over Salem's downtown, when I was suddenly hit with an overwhelming sadness and ache.

I want a little kid to dress up for Halloween, too.

I nearly burst into tears in the middle of a confectioner shop. FFS, I was surrounded by chocolate and yet I nearly started to cry. To add insult to injury: the fastest way home is right past a boutique maternity wear shop.

As I walked briskly home, I watched that same movie reel play out in my head that I fear sadly, will never play on any major screens in my actual life: a passionate love scene, a nervous glance at a watch, coming out of the bathroom with a positive test, our faces glowing, eyes glistening, clever announcements to family and friends, three seasons of bliss and preparation, and the climax of the film: a slap, a baby crying, tears and laughter and gazing adoringly into the eyes of the future.

Roll credits.

When I saw Larry that afternoon, I told him how down I was. I told him, "I just want to make you a daddy." He hugged me, I cried, and he assured me that we'll get there.

So last night, when I thought I could get just an hour of non-infertility related headspace, I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I was eating dinner at the time and I actually lost my appetite.

It was the moment where foodie met iffy.

I fucking love food. Probably a little too much, as reflected in my BMI. Food is a highly sensual experience. Flavors may last only a few minutes on the palate, but forever in the dark recesses of our memory. Flavor, much like aroma, marry themselves to very acute, precise memories and when recalled, unleash such a hunger of both physical and mental proportion that the latter can nearly overwhelm the former. It's a sort of culinary nostalgia: the memory of taste awakens the ache of something once delicious long ago.

Like tilting my nose toward a sizzling, aromatic entree as the waiter passes by my table, I feel that twist in my stomach: I want. It's that ache, that hunger - that I understand, that can consume me.

I want a baby. Forget adoption for the moment, because hunger can make us irrational - I want a baby of my own. I want to experience motherhood, parenthood, of imprinting the clean slate that Bourdain speaks of when referencing his daughter. I want the intimate baby-making. I want the swollen belly like an ancient Goddess totem, to feel the surge of the Divine Feminine, to fill this most gaping absence in the story of Women's Mystery and Creation.

Infertility is an ache that reaches far deeper into our bellies, unlike any other hunger we have known.

When Foodie met Iffy. Foodies savor abundance and hunger for more. And this iffy weeps for her empty plate and hungers for just the chance.

Just give me a taste of what this could be like.

An Overview of Adopting in Massachusetts: Part 2

The second half of this series will focus on the aspects of adoption once a match is made and the baby comes home. Part 1 of the series covering agency selection, homestudy, profile, and matching, can be found here.

Meeting with Birthparents
Once a match is made, it is encouraged that the adoptive parents and the birthparents make a connection and have a chance to meet. As we learned during the panel discussion, this might not happen before birth, as was one couple's experience. The birthmother just couldn't meet with them. It wasn't until a day after the child was born that the birthmother finally met the adoptive parents. The purpose of this is to build those memories that will be so vital to your adopted child's story later on. This is also a good chance to discuss openness, and to figure out what that means for both the birthparents and adoptive parents. As Betsy and Dale mentioned, about 75% of adoptions are semi-open and the remaining 25% fully open.

Openness
Open adoption can mean very different things to different people. For some, it means regular opportunities for the birthparents to interact with the child. For others, it might mean regular letters and pictures. Some adoption triads email. Others correspond through their agencies. Openness occurs on a continuum and it varies for every individual triad. Dale was quick to point out that open adoption is not the same as co-parenting, rather, it provides an avenue for adoptive children to learn as much of their birthfamily's story as possible and to weave it into their own personal history. Betsy talked about how it's common for adoptive parents to leave letters and photos with their individual agency, and that the birthparents may pick up these packets at their leisure, as the need to check in arises. The agency also keeps copies of all correspondence so that the child may see a record of communication between their adoptive parents and their birthparents. The key thing to remember is that openness is about information sharing, and not to take away from the validity or experience of either set of parents. It should also be interesting to note: Massachusetts has legally enforceable Open Adoption Agreements, should all parties agree to it. A successful open adoption, as Dale put it, is one where birthparents are like those extended family you don't see very often but you love very much.

Termination of Parental Rights and Legal Risk
Just to reiterate: these processes apply to birthparents local to the state of Massachusetts. Once the child is born, in the state of Massachusetts, a birthmother has 96 hours* to consent to the termination of her parental rights. Given that most normal vaginal births only require the mother and child to be hospitalized for a maximum of 48 hours and that most birthmothers do not want to take the baby home, this leaves an interesting quandary: where does the newborn go? Short-term foster-care is available for the remaining 48 hours is available, however, most birthmothers would rather the child be immediately placed with the adoptive parents. However, if an adoptive couple takes the baby home from the hospital, there are still 2 days for the birthmother to change her mind in the state of MA. This situation is called legal risk. Legal risk also includes a revocation period (if applicable in that particular state where the child is born; there is no revocation period in MA) and during the finalization period.

If the birthmother has received a good amount of counseling and a firm relationship established with the adoptive parents, it is not likely she will change her mind, but it's a real possibility. Situations could change at the last minute: a birthfamily member agrees to help raise the child, for example- and then the adoption cannot be completed. This is called a fall-through. Sadly, these do happen, so that's why it's vital to tease out everything before the birth as much as possible. This also poses a financial risk. Full-service agencies that charge a flat fee absorb the cost of the loss. Per-fee agencies will refund only what is left in the birthmother's escrow account that hasn't been paid out already; a fall-through in this situation may cost the adoptive parents anywhere from $2K-6K in lost monies.

*There are some cases where a birthmother is given more time. An adoption agency might receive a call from a social worker at the hospital, working with a woman who is in labor and has expressed in that moment she would like to create an adoption plan. Given that the agency won't have sufficient enough time to screen and match the birthmother to a waiting family, more time is given to the birthmother for her to be able to consent to termination of her rights.

When the baby is born, a birth certificate is issued in the name given by the birthmother, listing the birthmother and birthfather (if the birthmother chooses to name a birthfather). Adoptions occurring in other states have differing periods of how long a birthmother has to consent to termination of her rights.

Post-Placement Requirements
Regardless of where the baby was born, once the baby comes home with the adoptive parents, they are legally required to be supervised for the first six months after the baby is born in the state of Massachusetts. Typically, this means a social worker visits the home at months one, three, and five, and the other months are through phone check-ins. Betsy said that these visits are mostly to check in on the new parents, see how they and baby are adjusting to the newness, and to ooh and ahh and talk about the baby's latest tricks and accomplishments. Once the six-month supervised period is complete, the agency will apply for a court date to finalize the adoption. If a birthfather has been named, they will attempt to contact him to notify him of the impending adoption. Often, this is in teeny-tiny print in the legal notices section of the area newspaper where the birthmother believes conception took place.

Typically, it takes about 3 months to get a court date. The judge reviews the homestudy and all paperwork and declares the adoption finalized and legal. An adoption decree and amended birth certificate listing the adoptive parents and the child's new name are issued. The original birth certificate kind of disappears into the ether; it's held on file at the agency, but as a matter of public record, it's as if it didn't exist. In Massachusetts, the post-placement finalization process takes about 9 months from the time the child is born. It is possible, and oft times cheaper and faster, to have adoptions finalized in other states (i.e., Florida only requires 12 weeks to finalize including just two supervised visits).

An important point about naming: it is generally agreed that it is vital to the birthmother's closure process to name her child. It is up to the adoptive parents as to whether they will keep or incorporate that name, but usually, adopted children will have multiple middle names. Betsy and Dale both agreed that it's a good idea to incorporate the original name should the child go researching their birthparents and wonder, "Why did you change the name I was given?" Certainly a valid point to consider.

And... that's it!

To recap: adopting in Massachusetts consists of about 6 steps:

1. Finding an agency.
2. Completing a homestudy.
3. Completing an adoptive parent profile.
4. Making a match with birthparent(s).
5. Birthparent(s) terminating their rights.
6. Finalizing the adoption.

Top 10 Points to Remember:
1. Your vision of your child can change over time, allowing the possibility for a wider net of birthparents to see your profile.
2. After considering the wait and cost, make sure your agency is a good fit for your needs.
3. Be open and honest during the homestudy process. Just be yourself!
4. Matching is a little bit of strategy and a lot of luck and timing.
5. Openness is not co-parenting and is about sharing information over time.
6. Even if your adoption will be semi-open, it's important to establish an initial relationship with the birthmother to add to that child's family story.
7. Carefully weigh the legal risks involved at every step of the adoption process.
8. Be ethical.
9. Fall-throughs happen.
10. All of the paperwork, stress, and waiting will totally be worth it when baby comes home and the adoption is finalized.

To quote Kristen Howerton at Grown In My Heart:

"If you adopt, then you will be a real parent.
If you adopt, then you will be abundantly blessed with a child."

I hope you found this information helpful. Thank you so much to Betsy Hochberg, Dale Eldridge, and RESOLVE of New England for putting together such an informative program for prospective adoptive parents. We might be a little overwhelmed at the prospects, but we are also wildly excited about this path to family building.

Have you adopted in Massachusetts? I'd love to hear from you! Drop a line in the comments.


(Photo by Joe Green via Flickr.)

An Overview of Adopting in Massachusetts: Part 1

After a day of house-hunting (I promise I'll update this week about this new piece of news in our life), I finally have some time to post about my experience at the RESOLVE of New England Adoption Decision Making Seminar that Larry and I went to yesterday. We're pretty set on our intent to adopt an infant domestically, and boy, did we learn a lot at this seminar. I won't be able to capture all of the info from yesterday, but hope to provide a general overview of what the process will most likely be for Larry and I. There is so much information to share that I'm going to split this into 2 posts.

Larry and I were just two of about 40 people who were in attendance. The seminar was lead by Betsy Hochberg of Adoption Resources, Dale Eldridge of Adoption Choices, and Sarah Groff of MAPS Worldwide. Betsy and Dale led the conversation on domestic adoption and Sarah the portion on international adoption. At the end of the day, we listened to a panel of three recent adoptive parents: two domestic and one international.

It was an all-day seminar jam-packed with lots of information. We were certainly overwhelmed by it all; we were also both emotionally and physically exhausted from everything that went on this week and the rather dreary weather did not help. We ended out taking a long lunch and skipping the international session because a) we really want to adopt child younger than a year (the youngest children internationally are ~1 year old right now) and b) were we just zapped from the first session. Information overload, and we needed to decompress for a little bit.

We got a very thorough overview of how domestic infant adoption works here in Massachusetts. The process is pretty straightforward:

1. Find an agency.
2. Complete a homestudy.
3. Complete an adoptive parent profile.
4. Make a match with birthparent(s).
5. Birthparent(s) terminate rights and adoptive parents receive child.
6. Finalize adoption.

Looks simple, right? Oh heavens, if only it were.

Finding an Agency
In Massachusetts, adoptive parents are required to utilize a licensed, not for profit agency. MA is one of only three states that mandate this by law. At first I thought this was some racket between adoption agencies and the state, but I was reminded that these are non-profit organizations, and that this system makes sure that services are provided for the birthparent(s). We can choose from private agencies who specialize in voluntary placements or elect to pursue foster placement. Larry and I have previously discussed the latter option and we agree that private domestic infant adoption is more in line with our parenting goals, especially given our younger age.

Betsy and Dale pointed out three things to consider when choosing an agency: wait time, cost, and fit. The best way to pick an agency, they recommend, is to attend their open houses and take the time to make sure that those three things are in line with your goals. There are two types of agencies: full-service, who require a flat fee that covers everything (including an adoption fall-through) and those that pay variable fees attached to the birthparent(s). The latter carries a greater financial risk should an adoption fall-through, but the overall cost to the adoptive couple is generally cheaper.

Due to demographics, local birthparents are few and far between in MA. As such, couples often work with both their MA agency and another agency, adoption attorney, or adoption facilitator in other states where the birthparent pool is greater (think Bible Belt). Fees are split accordingly: homestudy fees for the MA agency, placement fees with the respective placing agency. All finalization and post-placement costs are paid to the MA agency. Complicated stuff.

Completing the Homestudy
The homestudy is a series of meetings between the adoptive parents and a social worker. At a statutory minimum, there are about three to four meetings, but every agency has different requirements. Most meetings will be with the couple, but there will be an individual meeting with each adoptive parent as well. The prospective adoptive couple will need to provide all sorts of paperwork: tax returns, marriage license, my name change documentation, Larry's personal business info, 3 letters of reference, and a letter from both of our doctors. We will also need to complete a full background check: sex offender, credit history, criminal background, and FBI fingerprinting clearance. The FBI fingerprinting is now a requirement for ALL domestic adoptions within the US, so it's kind of undergoing what the Passport Agency did when it changed the requirements for passport usage back in 2008: it is now inundated with requests. A normally 2-3 week clearance takes about 12 weeks now. The entire homestudy process can take anywhere from 2-3 months, and all of this is compiled into an actual homestudy document. This document will then be seen by the judge once an adoption is finalized.

Social workers aren't looking to turn down prospective adoptive parents; it's a rarity. And it's totally not fair that adoptive parents have to go through such an intensive process when parents who are able to get pregnant (naturally or otherwise) don't. The social workers completely understand the unfairness, but it doesn't change the process. As such, adoptive parents should be honest and open about what they're looking for and who they are. This is really the way that the social workers get to know the couple, and can ultimately help to determine to whom their profiles are shown. Dale went on to discuss that at her agency, the final homestudy meeting is an in-depth discussion with the couple regarding their child parameters, and what kind of child or match they could be comfortable parenting: special needs, race, birthparent(s) situation, a child of rape, a child with an unknown birthfather, etc. Heavy stuff, but a valuable conversation nonetheless.

The Adoptive Parent Profile
Part scrapbook, part autobiography, the profile is what agencies will show to birthparents, and upon which they will base a potential match. It will talk about us, our relationship, our families, our community and lifestyle. It will also include a letter to our potential birhtparent. We got some great advice from the panel on what to include. As a graphic designer and writer, I am really looking forward to creating our profile. Once the profile is complete, it will be shown to birthparents that meet our criteria.

A birthparent typically looks at about 4-6 profile books. One of the things that Dale and Betsy recommended was that our vision of our ideal child could change over time, and that the more open and flexible we could become, the greater our chances of finding a match sooner. Wait time, generally is about 12-18 months on average. I personally know of folks who've waited much less time, and we met folks who waited substantially longer at the panel. They also recommended that we set a case-by-case standard for various parameters, i.e., if we say no to any birthmother who smoked, we could be waiting longer. However, if we say we'll consider that parameter on a case-by-case basis, it gives us the flexibility to ask: how long did she smoke? What did she smoke? We have the opportunity to research the situation a little further and then make a determination. Blanket decisions on parameters generally don't work in the couple's favor.

I asked about legislation about advertising to potential birthparents, as parent-identified matches are totally doable. While we can't take out an ad in say, the Boston Globe or on CraigsList, we can certainly put our profile book online... or create an adoption specific blog. I expect once we get the ball rolling I'll be creating another blog (bringing my total up to 5- that's right, 5 blogs) for our birthparent recruitment efforts since it seems that most MA couples adopt out of state.

Adoption Matching
Birthparents come to adoption agencies in a variety of ways. Local birthparents will meet with an agency here in a face-to-face meeting and submit their medical history. The agency will provide reasonable costs and financial assistance until the child is born. They are asked what families are of interest to them: what situation would be ideal for their child? They make a hospital plan and are given extensive counseling by an agency social worker. The SW will thorough probe the birthparent about why they want to create an adoption plan for their child, and fully explore the birthparent's options.

Once all of this has been completed and the birthparents' preferences noted, the agency will pick appropriate profile books to show the birthparent. We heard stories of how the littlest, most random thing in someone's profile could inspire a match: a picture of swimming with dolphins; a picture of a relative that looked like one of the birthparents' relatives; travel to foreign countries the birthparent would want their child to see. It would seem that matching is the result of timing and luck.

With all the preliminaries out of the way, I'll save all of the "baby comes home" stage for the second part of this series. Check out An Overview of Adopting in Massachusetts: Part 2 here.

(Photo by William Whyte via Flickr.)