The Blog Hop Extravaganza of Talent!

As a way to celebrate my blog moving to WordPress, I wanted to host a huge extravaganza celebration. An extravaganza of talent, even. I present to you...

THE BLOG HOP EXTRAVAGANZA OF TALENT!



So often we're only known to our readers by our words. It's time to step out from the monitor and show off our talents! Whether you sing, dance, read poetry, show off a magic trick, twirl a baton - whatever - share your talent with the blogosphere. It's a great opportunity for your readers to get to know you in a totally new context! And... I'm just looking for an excuse to sing on camera for y'all.

No judges, no prizes... just showing off our talents for the sake of showing off!

Submissions to the Blog Hope Extravaganza of Talent will be open to anyone in the blogosphere - ALI or otherwise - from July 8th to August 3rd.

The entire Talent Show will be featured on August 5th at right here at Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed.

To participate in the Blog Hop Extravaganza of Talent, there are 6 simple steps.

Step 1: Sign up below. Let the world know you plan to participate!


Step 2: Film your talent act.
Nothing fancy - even just using your own webcam is perfectly acceptable. No need to jazz it up in iMovie either; just hit record and go to town! That said, take the following into consideration:

• All talents are welcome: are you a closet ventriloquist? A baton-twirling Olympian? A multi-generational magician? Share it with us!
• Your video should be no more than 5 minutes long.
• Nothing obscene or whatnot. Videos should be SFW.

Step 3: Upload your video to Vimeo.
I like Vimeo. It's where I host all of my videos. It's a lot less spammy than YouTube. Don't forget: when you upload your video, make sure to include the name of your blog and a link to it in the video description. Vimeo doesn't accept HTML tags in descriptions, so just copy and paste your blog link right into the description. If you upload your video to any other site, you won't be able to add it to the Vimeo Group below.

Step 4: Add your video to the Blog Hop Extravaganza of Talent Vimeo Group.
After you upload your video, head to the dedicated Vimeo Group linked above. Click on "Upload Video to Group" and follow the instructions. Ta da! Added.

Step 5: Tell others that you're performing in the Blog Hop Extravaganza of Talent!
Snag the blog badge above and feel free to link up to this post or to the Vimeo Group URL. Tweet about it, Facebook it - share with any and all who might be interested in joining!

To add the badge, copy the following code below:

<a href="http://hannahweptsarahlaughed.blogspot.com/2011/07/blog-hop-extravaganza-of-talent.html"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrIjtd3RCTYbiJKBMN6NvHUFYWm-kMqsI_UciyXjNF2RGKjohbB2XMy8of-IbPcQjOeFbegp_fWiOvVioqNAzbwySK0LaDpxTfs1YqOIU6ZmjyMzmOKDnmC7m6vATArCpjIoDwei_Znpo/s1600/Blog+Hop+Extravaganza+of+Talent+Badge+300x100.jpg" alt="Blog Hop Extravaganza of Talent" /></a>

Step 6: Come back on Friday, August 5th to see the show!
I'll embed all participating videos into one giant blog post for your viewing pleasure. No judging, no awards - just us stepping from behind all the words on our blogs and sharing our talents with the world!

So... who's in? Who's with me?

I Whistle a Happy Tune

It's the Friday before a nice long holiday weekend, so it's the perfect time for another post in the IF-Free Zone. The IF-Free Zone is a commitment to blogging about something other than my infertility journey every now and then. Why blog off-topic? Asnwer: we are more than our infertility! So enjoy another installment in the IF-Free Zone, a peek into regular 'ol me.

---

I've always struggled with whistling. Despite being an accomplished soprano in my youth (a long story for another day), for whatever reason, I couldn't really whistle... until about a month ago. I don't know what it was, but I started whistling to the songs on my car stereo rather than singing along. Most times I'd sound like a lonely prairie wind: all whooshing and no tonality. Then, I started experimenting in the shower. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror once doing this and had to stop and laugh. I looked like a howler monkey, contorting my lips into various shapes to achieve lower and higher pitches.

I'm getting much better and find myself whistling randomly all the time now. It's enjoyable. It's a skill I've decided to revisit, to teach myself how to do it better. I'm not exactly studying any complex manuals here; when the mood strikes me, I just start whistling.

I have always been jealous of people who can whistle and do it well. My husband is a great whistler. I had a boss once whose whistling rivaled the agility of a skilled piccolo player. He was whistling so gorgeously in the copy room once I stood in the doorway just to listen. He turned around, embarrassed; he didn't realize there was still anyone left in the office.

"No, go on," I said with a grin. "You whistle like a champ!"

The irony: this was when I worked in a theatre-related capacity. According to superstition, whistling in the theatre is considered bad luck.

Whistling does get a bad rap. I've heard it's a bad luck to whistle in front of a bride on her wedding day. In Japan, you don't really hear people whistling; Japanese folklore says that whistling will attract snakes in the night. Russian folklore brings us the phrase "to whistle your money away" - they believed that whistling would literally scare away angels that protected your home and without protection, you'd lose your money.

In general, whistling is often seen as disrespectful; think of the sterotypical image of construction workers whistling at a pretty lady as she walks by. And yet, whistling was a vital tool for sailors on merchant ships in the glory days of maritime. There is functionality to whistling: to get someone's attention, for example. Okay, so maybe it's not the most polite way to do it, but it works. Or, if you're Anna in The King and I, whistling helps chase away her fears. (Google my post title if you're not familiar with the song.)

Whistling is such a strange, distinct noise that we are able to make. It's melodic but jarring, not like the primal ferocity of screaming or shouting. It's a sound you expect from the beak of a bird, not from the lips of a full-grown person.

I mean, when you think about it, whistling is kind of silly. As it's been so famously said: you just put your lips together and blow.




Happy Friday folks and have a safe holiday weekend. I know I'll be whistling mine away!

WBZTV News: Infertility Doesn't Just Affect Older Women

Check it out! Here's the news piece from WBZ-TV, Boston's CBS news station, on our story of infertility and how my younger age plays a factor. Reporter Christina Hager has put together a really compassionate piece and I'm so honored and grateful that she reached out to me for her story.

You can read the story here online - Infertility doesn't just affect older women; or just hit play below. The video runs just over two and a half minutes long. (If it doesn't load, just click the link to the story above and scroll down for the video on WBZ-TV's website.)

• If you're visiting my blog from the news piece: welcome! You can get a brief overview of our infertility journey here. I'm happy to talk with folks so don't hesitate to contact me via email (see my Media page above).
• Correction: Larry and I need to save up $18,000 to begin IVF treatment with donor egg, not $1800, as is mentioned in the piece. Looks like they left off a zero.
• The piece ended mentioning the Family Act, an infertility tax credit bill. You can find out more about the infertility tax credit here - and how you can help by contacting your Senators to ask for their co-sponsorship of this important legislation.
• Please feel free to share this news story on your own blogs, FB, and Twitter. Here's a bit.ly link for your convenience: http://cbsloc.al/isZYC3 

Thanks for tuning in and thank you Christina and WBZ-TV for helping to raise awareness for an important public health issue!

Two Videos from Infertility Advocacy Day

Just a quick post to share two videos from Advocacy Day. The first is a short interview with Risa Levine, our keynote speaker and RESOLVE Board of Directors member, and her thoughts on how Advocacy Day went this year.

The second is Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz's inspiring address to the volunteers before we headed out to our appointments. The first video is just over 2 minutes long, the second is about 11 minutes long. Something short or something more, depending on the time you have to view them. Please also feel free to share on your own blogs; you can snag the embed code right from the videos below. Enjoy!

What IF: One Year Later

365 days.

33,760 plays.

359,858 loads.

I can't believe it's been a year since I released my What IF video.

So much has happened in the past year that's it's crazy to think it's only been just a year; in other ways, it feels like it was just yesterday; I still remember going out for sushi with friends of ours after filming on the Common.

I had posted a follow-up post two months after the video, and so much had happened even just in those first two months. In the remaining ten, even more amazing opportunities and connections have been made. I made connections with so many professionals and colleagues and bloggers in this field. I gave my first interview talking about the experience of making the film in a piece for Tablet Magazine in August. I was awarded the Hope Award for Best Viral Video at RESOLVE's Night of Hope in September. In November I attended the RESOLVE of New England Annual Conference as a Board member and volunteer instead of a regular attendee, and it was a phenomenal experience. In December, we went on a much-needed cruise. With the new year, I came even more into my own strength and voice: in January, I took aim at the media and the following month, I had a thing or two to say to many of our legislators. In March, with the (now unsuccessful) attempt to bring mandated infertility insurance coverage to Maine, I stood up to the bevy of critics against mandated coverage.

And then this April has just kind of exploded: another interview, this time for my alumni magazine; an appearance on The Surrogacy Lawyer show; and of course, "that whole thing with PETA."

This is everything that's happened as related to my video and blog; I'm not even counting all the other things like buying our house, having a house fire, getting a second opinion, etc. It's been a pretty whirlwind year.

Yet like I said, I still remember the day I made the film with my husband like it was yesterday. The weather was gorgeous (unlike today's rather dreary weather). Our apartment was a mess, but it was shot deliberately so you couldn't tell. I still remember the funny looks from people as I wrote one of the questions with sidewalk chalk, word by word, then stopped and took a picture after writing each word. I remember the random couple who came up and asked us, "what are you doing?" as I stood there with my whiteboard in hand.

"I'm making an awareness video for infertility," I said proudly. They gave me a "oh, isn't that nice" kind of look and walked away.

I remember futzing with iMovie for close to 8 hours straight trying to edit the damn thing, thinking, "If it was a bajillion dollars, I bet this would be infinitely easier in Final Cut Pro."

And I remember hitting "Upload" on Vimeo and "Publish" here on Blogger and thinking my 29 blog followers at the time would be the only people to see the video, the only people to learn my real identity. How wrong I was.

The original post with the video has now 174 comments. Within the first few months, I received hundreds of emails from people who had seen the video: thanking me, telling me their stories and their struggles with infertility, often for the first time with someone beyond their partners. Even a year later, I still get at least an email a week from a viewer, or a mention tweet or direct message on Twitter, or a sporadic comment on the original post. In the last couple of days alone, I've had over 300 plays. The video just keeps going.

In some ways, it's kind of weird to think about this legacy that I've left for myself on the internet, because as we all know, there is no permanent delete online. Who knows what the landscape of the web will look like in 10 years, 20 years, 50 years even - but my little five-minute video will still chug along in some way, I bet.

It's a video, a project, and an accomplishment of mine I can't wait to show my children some day.

With all that, I just want to say thank you to everyone who's watched it, shared it, and blogged about it. And I want to thank RESOLVE again and to remind everyone that it's National Infertility Awareness Week. NIAW has been the launching point for shaping how I have chosen to cope with my infertility. It's influenced my commitment to giving back to the infertility community. NIAW fuels me to keep doing this work, to find new and creative ways to raise awareness for our disease and our causes.

I only ever made this video in the first place because the NIAW the year before gave me enough confidence to be brave enough to share my real name and face to my story.

I hope that National Infertility Awareness Week can inspire you the same way this year.

Surrogacy Lawyer Radio Show Update: MP3 Available Online

If you missed me on last week's The Surrogacy Laywer Radio Program with Evelina Sterling, you can download the show as an mp3 to listen to at your leisure!

Click here to download Premature Ovarian Failure and the NIAW/PETA Debate with Evelina Weidman Sterling and Keiko Zoll.

As the title mentions, Evelina and I talked about all things POF; Evelina spoke to the more clinical aspects of the disease and I shared my personal experiences as a patient. Evelina also shared how it's now referred to as Primary Ovarian Insuffiency. And of course, we saved a few minutes at the end to chat with Theresa about the whole PETA ordeal.

If you have 54 minutes right now, you can listen below:

PETA Update #4: Victory!

We did it, folks!

PETA has removed all references to National Infertility Awareness Week from their "Win a Vasectomy" campaign. I've closed the petition and we've come in at just over 2,200 signatures in just 3 days. This is an incredible victory for the infertility community.

Check out my vlog below for more information, and stay tuned for my open letter to PETA thanking them for hearing our voice and responding to our concerns.

Feel free to spread the good news!

Boston Walk for Choice

I know I've been talking a lot about anti-reproductive legislation lately, but I wanted to share a short video recap I made of Saturday's Walk for Choice in Boston. Dozens of cities participated (internationally as well), and I was lucky enough to participate, carrying my signs in the cold, walking in solidarity with other men and women who recognized that yes, we need to care about all this craptacular legislation out there.

Awesome moments of the day:

+ On a very crowded train to downtown, a young woman sitting across from me read one side of my sign (Infertile Woman for Choice), made eye contact with me, smiled, and made a little heart symbol with her hands.

+ Marching through Downtown Crossing, our chants echoing off the tall buildings around us, cars honking in support, people stopping to read our signs.

+ Marching through Boston Common, people lined up along us, reading our signs, clapping and cheering in solidarity. I found that particularly emotional.

+ Several hundred people calling Senator Scott Brown's office at the same time, leaving messages urging him to vote against a Senate bill to defund Planned Parenthood.

+ The many, many witty signs.

It was a great day. For more recaps, check out the Boston Walk for Choice Tumblr, as well as the main Walk for Choice Tumblr with photos and video from cities around the world who participated on Saturday.

Boston Walk for Choice 2011 from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

What I learned at the aquarium.

While I was in Atlanta I had a day with some downtime, so I stopped by The World of Coca Cola and the Georgia Aquarium, the largest aquarium in the world. I really thought my weekend would be an IF-free zone but the aquarium had different plans for me.

Of course I'm already setting myself up for failure by heading to an aquarium on a Saturday afternoon: I was surrounded by squealing children and their weary parents everywhere I turned. But I'm just as big of a nerd to tune out a lot of that out, fighting my way past small children to press my nose up against the glass, oohing and aahing at the spectacular array of sea life. I'm a total dork for museums.
 

The ever curious looking sea dragon.

It was at the sea dragon exhibit that I suddenly felt my breath catch, that lump in my throat. A young father was kneeling in front of the tank, pointing out the creature to his daughter, as she turned her wispy head of ghost-white blonde hair toward the glass. "Can you point to the sea dragon?" he said, and the daughter obliged, pointing. "Yay!" he and his wife cooed, and the girl smiled and giggled, pressing her tiny chubby hands against the glass, mesmerized by the creature.

I want to take my kid to the aquarium with Larry. The thought was as clear as day in my head, followed by that pulling feeling in my chest. I felt corners of my eyes moisten. I quickly stood up (I had been kneeling to get a better view) and made my way over to the next exhibit. Suddenly, all the kids I'd been able to tune out for the last hour seemed as though they had multiplied in number and volume.

I made my way to the main tank viewing area and took a seat, my mouth slightly agape at the sheer size of it. I could have spent hours here, watching the three whale sharks- these beautiful, epic beasts each as big as a bus, the manta rays eerily soaring through the water as if in slow motion, the massive groupers with their slackjawed expressions. I was transfixed - humbled - by this ocean of wonder in front of me. In a lot of ways, it felt like an underwater chapel.

Sitting there, I connected with my infertility in a way I hadn't previously. Seeing that father and daughter, I finally understood a part of this ache within me. I work in education, so it's only natural that I long to teach my children one day. Not homeschooling, rather, how to tie their shoelaces. What to do if they break up with their boyfriend. Why they should read a book- good books. I want to teach them about sea dragons, and Henrietta Lacks and constellations and baking soda volcanoes and all the joys and wonders of science. I want to teach them about truth and integrity and trust and love and responsibility. And everything else.

I only just realized, sitting in front of this massive underwater window, that the grief and pain with infertility isn't just about wanting a baby. It isn't just about baby bumps and showers and revealing your news to your friends and family. It isn't just about nurseries and matching outfits and dolls and mementos emblazoned with "Baby's First."

This ache is about leaving a legacy, leaving a mark on the next generation. Parenting isn't just about answering the alarm on the biological clock: it's about sending a part of yourself into the unknown future ahead of us all. Death and taxes, right? Being able to parent is hoping that one day, one day very long after we're all gone - someone might hear an echo of wisdom, of something we once said and we are remembered.

It's as though infertility robs us of our voice cast ahead into time.

This is what I sat and thought about next to the fishes and the sharks and the rays, creatures with no concept of time, always swimming in this endless ocean. For the half hour or so I sat there, deep in thought, it was as though I was in slow-motion with the fish, the world moving around me at an accelerated pace. Those thoughts, even after only being away for just 24 hours, made me long for home, to be close to my husband.

And yet despite how deeply introspective I became, I sat there wide-eyed, in wonder at the beauty of it all.

My First Vlog

Too lazy to write, so here's my first vlog for "Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed." In full disclosure, I've created this as part of WEGO Health's Health Activist Vlog Contest, but I like the idea of adding this rather interesting, dynamic media to my blog. Plus, you get to actually see my face and voice. So, here's the story on why I'm a health activist. Enjoy! Feel free to comment here or directly on the Vimeo page.

Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed: Vlog 10/24/10 from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

Remembering Our Losses

Today, October 15th, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Recognized in all 50 states, people are asked to light a candle at 7pm tonight for one hour to remember those who left this world far, far too soon.

I have never experienced a loss myself, and it's something that has actually been the driving force behind pursuing adoption. Is IVF truly worth the risk if we lose the pregnancy? I just don't know how I could bear it. IVF/DE isn't totally off the table yet, but the notion of loss is still an ever-present thought in the back of my mind.

While I'm incredibly lucky not to have experienced loss like this, I know many women, both personally and through the blogosphere, that have. And so for them, for their losses: you're in my hearts always, but especially so today.

Pregnancy loss is one of those topics that people aren't really sure with how to deal. How do you have a funeral? Why does this loss get less attention and compassion than the loss of someone who's older? It's all grief, it's all sad, and it doesn't deserve to be diminished in importance for the griever just because it doesn't fit the typical model of loss and death in modern society.

I can't imagine this kind of pain, and for those who have experienced it: I grieve for you and your loss and hope that you find peace, clarity, and hope it its wake.

Below is an incredibly moving and beautiful video with more information about this day of rememberance.



For more information, please visit http://www.october15th.com/.

Night of Hope Recap

Night of Hope was simply amazing. Held at the very swanky Guastavino's in New York City on Tuesday, September 28, RESOLVE put on one classy gala celebration. Here are my pics from the night.

The lady in red? That's me. That classy lookin' guy in the suit? That's Larry. The fancy lookin' lady in the black pantsuit? My mom Debbie :) And the two other women holding awards in that picture with me? Those would be (from left) Best Blog winner Julie Robichaux, aka, A Little Pregnant and Best Book winner Pamela Tsigdinos, author of Silent Sorority. Oh! And my 1 pic with a celeb: Alisyn Camerota from FOX and Friends Weekend was the emcee for the evening. All the rest of the details after the cut.

Larry and I left bright and early Tuesday morning after making a quick pitstop to Target so I could pick up an evening bag - a girl's gotta have a complete ensemble! We made it to Brooklyn by lunchtime and met up with a friend of ours and had lunch at the famous/omgdelicious Junior's Deli. They are apparently famous for their cheesecake, but sadly, we didn't sample a slice as we were running short on time and we wanted to save room for dinner (more on that deliciousness later). It was great to catch up with Jen who we hadn't seen since her wedding last year and then we were off into the wilds of NYC streets to get to our hotel.

We stayed at the Marriott East Side, made possible only by cashing in all of Larry's Marriott points. It's basically across the street from the Waldorf Astoria, so you can probably guess as to what a nightly rate might be there. We were given the option of a queen bed on a high floor or a king bed on a lower floor. We thought "higher floor, better view" but instead we were looking at the back of the building and thought, hm, let's splurge for that king room. (Oh we were TOTALLY those guests that went up to the first room and changed our minds.) So as we're waiting for a bellhop to key us into our new room, we notice there's a lot of activity on this new floor. When the bellhop lets us in, he says, "I hope you don't mind the Secret Service guy on the terrace next to your room."

Turns out, Vice President Biden was staying in our hotel for the UN Conference this week. That would explain the unusually large amount of NYPD around the hotel and those guys in suits with ear-pieces in the lobby. And yes, there was a guy on the terrace ledge next to our room scoping out everything. Larry has been on a 24 kick lately so he was all like, "It's just like Jack Bauer!" and I replied "Well, Jack Bauer doesn't need to see me get dressed," and I shut the shade. We then made jokes about the no-fly list and bugs in our room as I hustled to get ready.

What I have failed to mention is that I still hadn't finished writing my speech. I had written a draft in the car that Larry thought was nice, but once we were in the hotel and I read it aloud again, this time without the distraction of the radio and traffic, we both realized it was crap and I had to rewrite it. It was 4pm. The event started at 6pm.

Larry insisted that I not memorize it but I was too rushed to try and write the whole thing down, so I ended up typing it as a doc on my iPhone. I know, I know - nerd. I own up to that. Before we left I raised the shade and the Secret Service guy was gone, like a whisper in the night. Cool... and admittedly creepy too.

Then we rushed to get a cab at 4:30 because I figured there would be road closures and rush hour traffic and... we got to Guastavino's in about 10 minutes. I didn't have to be there until 5:20. I proceded to walk around the block practicing my speech and trying to calm my nerves. Finally, at 5pm we went in. When I checked in, I had a lovely bouquet of roses waiting for me from Dr. Lawrence Nelson. He and I have been in touch the last few months and he was scheduled to attend but couldn't at the last minute. It was a really sweet gesture. I was greeted right away by people who knew me by face from my video and as I walked around, I realized that more people there would know me from my video than I would know them... it was a very strange realization and I suddenly felt like I was under a microscope.

As effervescent as I can appear to be in public, it can still be a challenge to mix and mingle for me, especially where the ratio of personal recognition did not favor me in the least. Suddenly, I got VERY nervous for the rest of the night.

I was relieved then, after a quick walkthrough of the stage area upstairs, to see my mom standing with Larry when I came back downstairs. She looked radiant! We got ourselves some cocktails and had a seat. As more folks came in, I said hi to colleagues and finally got to meet several people I had only met online or over the phone - it was great to finally meet these folks in person (like Julie & Pamela). I even managed to stumble a very awkward hello and introduction to Sherri Shepherd, one of the hostesses of The View who was there to accept the Hope Award for Achievement on their behalf that evening. (Her speech, by the way, was hysterical and poignant: "We didn't have insurance so we put the whole IVF cycle on our Amex. Now we have like, 400,000 Sky Miles thanks to our son!")

The evening got underway with a special video message from Guiliana and Bill Rancic as they couldn't be present to accept their award. I had no clue who they were (and still kind of don't because I never watched The Apprentice or E! News) until I looked them up on my phone that night. But apparently, they have a new reality show debuting next Monday on the Style Network that chronicles both their relationship and their infertility journey. In fact, I just watched the teaser trailer online and now I'm all teary-eyed! It looks to be the kind of awareness-building show our community needs right now.

Dinner was delish: flat-iron steak, grilled asparagus, stuffed potatoes, and a delicious salad. And of course: wine. I had to slow down on the cocktails because I hadn't eaten too much and I didn't want to be sloshed when I went to accept my award. (Although, it certainly helped calm my nerves.) At the last minute, I decided to write out my speech and began frantically copying it onto the back of my logistics sheet with the awards order and room layout guide I got when I checked in. Then, it was go time.

I got up one award before mine and waited in the holding area. Jeff Silsbee, Marketing Leader for Merck Pharmaceuticals, would do my introduction. We had a minute to chat before going up and he said it was great to meet me in person after seeing my video. During his intro speech, he mentioned that his team at Merck was very moved by seeing my video. I was floored. I had no idea it had been seen by the Fertility Marketing team of a major pharmaceutical company. They showed a 60 second clip of my video and it was so strange to see a) the video and b) myself on the big screen (two big screens actually). I felt like someone unleashed a whole net of butterflies into my stomach and throat as I was called up to the stage.

Click here to see the full video of my entire award acceptance, including my speech.

The whole 7 minutes from introduction until I came down from the stage felt like a blink. Before I knew it, I was back in my seat hugging my mom and kissing Larry. Afterward we headed to the dessert reception, where I barely ate as person after person came up to me to bestow congratulations and compliments. I am certainly grateful for all of the well wishes; I was just very overwhelmed and VERY out of my element. Thank G-d for Larry- he's a schmoozer by nature- so he helped me work the room and reminded me to hand out my business cards. I got to talk more at length with Jeff; I met Jennifer Redmond of Fertility Authority and we chatted about my possibly writing for them soon; Preya Shivdat, founder of Fertile Dreams, a grant-giving non-profit for couples struggling with IF; and had a very interesting conversation with Dr. Ali Domar of the Domar Mind/Body Center - she's inspired me to seek a second opinion of my diagnosis; I met fellow awardees Renee Whitley and Lee Rubin Collins, both very inspiring women who take advocacy to its highest levels in the US.

I'm sure there were lots and lots more fantastic people that I met, but honestly, the night was such a blur it's hard to remember everyone. If we did meet and forgot to exchange cards, please do feel free to email me, find me on Facebook or Twitter. All those handy links are on my sidebars.

In all, it was a simply gala evening and I enjoyed myself immensely. Thank you so much to RESOLVE for hosting such a wonderful event and for this incredible honor you've bestowed on me. Now I have a very pretty (and very heavy!) crystal award vase to proudly display on one of the four hearths we have in our new home.

...Although, as Julie and I were joking, we might use them for snack storage. Yanno, just eat some M&Ms out of it from time to time.

Larry is convinced Night of Hope is my tipping point. Tipping into what... I'm not sure yet. But I hope it's toward big opportunities, a chance to raise awareness and to continue my advocacy, and hopefully, somewhere soon down this path - towards building our family.

Video Clip: Night of Hope

Night of Hope was simply amazing. I'll have a more detailed post in the next couple of days, but here is the footage of me accepting the Hope Award for Best Viral Video last night.


Keiko Zoll at Night of Hope 2010 from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

More details and pics soon - promise! Congrats again to all of the awardees and thank you again RESOLVE, for this incredible honor.

I'm a Night of Hope Award winner!

I've been holding on to this news for over a month, and now that the eUpdate has been sent out by RESOLVE, I can finally spill the beans...

RESOLVE has awarded me Best Viral Video for their annual Night of Hope Awards! I am floored, honored, and truly humbled. RESOLVE described the award in their email blast today:

RESOLVE is proud to announce the inaugural Team RESOLVE Choice Award for Best Viral Video. A viral video by definition is a video that becomes popular by sharing it via the internet. This year’s winner not only created a popular video, but created a video that captured the essence of the “What IF?” project launched during National Infertility Awareness Week®. Congratulations Keiko Zoll and those involved with the video “What IF? A portrait of infertility.”

Congrats also to the other two Team RESOLVE Choice Award winners: the Best Book Award went to Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos, author of Silent Sorority and the Best Blog Award to Julie Robichaux of A Little Pregnant!

The Night of Hope Awards will take place on Tuesday, September 28th at Gaustavino's in New York City. Larry and I are looking forward to making a long weekend out of it. NOH looks like it's going to be a fabulous evening of celebration, and I can't wait to finally meet some folks in person whom with I've only ever corresponded through blogs or emails. I've been going nuts sitting on this news for so long, but the cat's outta the bag now!

But more importantly...

This video could only go viral because of you.

To everyone who's ever clicked play; to everyone who posted it on their blog, or Twitter, or Facebook, or wherever; to everyone who said to someone else, "Hey, you gotta watch this" and showed them my video - thank you all so much.

Women's Health Matters: Period.

Sit tight: this post is a doozy.

I'm a Vagina Warrior.

I realize this is quite a startling way to begin my post, but being a Vagina Warrior drives me, it shapes the way I look at the world, and fuels my passion for women's health advocacy. What exactly is a Vagina Warrior? Well, it stems Eve Ensler's The Vagina Monologues; I performed in five productions of the show throughout college and two years after I graduated at the first college where I worked. The mission of the V-Day movement is near and dear to my heart, and a Vagina Warrior is someone who fights for women, women's rights both home and abroad, and for the safety and health of women and girls everywhere. My work in health advocacy, particularly around infertility, is how I assign my Warrior status (and when I say Warrior, think dorky Xena sporting Old Navy rather than leather-plated skirt).

So I've got three things my inner Vagina Warrior wants to cover in this post, all related to our periods: Tampons. The Red Tent. Project Vital Sign. Sound interesting? Read on.

So I was thrilled when I saw the new Kotex U commercials:

I am in no way being compensated for this. This was too damn awesome not to share.

Thank you, Kotex, for keepin' it real. I haven't had a "real" period in months, technically years if you count that fact that while on birth control, it's not an actual period as a result of ovulation, rather, it's withdrawal bleeding from a drop in hormones. I'm still experiencing breakthrough bleeding on my HRT (the pill), and I had to use a tampon for the first time in over a year last month. I stared at it like, "You want that to go where?" amazed at how quickly I had forgotten all about this strange feminine product. So when I saw this commercial I appreciated that it wasn't trying to sell me this flowered up idea but was like, "Hey. Hey you, you with the XX chromosomes. You're of menstruating age and you need a practical solution to your monthly biological phenomenon. Here, have a tampon." 

I appreciate Kotex's candor, because women don't like to talk about our periods. It's something society doesn't talk about... like infertility. (Funny how women's problems are marginalized into silence.) Which brings me to my next Vagina Warrior subject: the Red Tent Temple Movement and the forthcoming documentary: Things We Don't Talk About. 

 Anita Diamant's The Red Tent is an inspiring fictional retelling of the story of Dinah, Jacob's only named daughter in the Bible. The Red Tent was where the women of Jacob's tribe gathered for their monthly cycles, for births, miscarriages, and shared sisterhood. (If you haven't read it, go do that this summer. And keep a box of tissues handy when you do.) 

ALisa Starkweather has taken the fundamental ideas of The Red Tent and translated them into a movement of women gathering in sacred spaces to share in each other's sisterhood. Our temples are bedecked in red fabrics and welcome to women of all ages, menstruating or otherwise; the Red Tent Temple Movement is about restoring women's dialogue and celebrating the feminine life experience. The Red Tent Temple has allowed me to restore what I felt was lost- my sense of monthly cycles. While I may not bleed every month, I gather with my friends, my sisters near each new moon at the Salem RTT, and that sense of womanly rhythm has returned to my life. Isadora Leidenfrost will be exploring this movement in her forthcoming film, Things We Don't Talk About: Healing Narratives from the Red Tent. I get the sense that this is going to be an important film, and wanted to put this on folks' radars.

Still with me as I talk about all these "woman" problems? You are? Great. Because my biggest problem is calling Aunt Flo a problem. She should be a welcome guest, not a nuisance! CNN recently published an  article online about women's attitudes toward their periods. The article is (fairly) balanced, but the thing that got me was the general tone that "Ewww! Periods are icky and gross and cumbersome." (Yes, I know for some women, they dread their period: heavy flows, debilitating cramps, nausea, and worse.) It was the title that got me: Periods - who needs them anyway?

Who needs periods? Every woman does, that's who! This leads me to my third and final soapbox moment of this post: Project Vital Sign. Sponsored by Rachel's Well, a non-profit women's health organization, Project Vital Sign is working to create a national movement for educators and health professionals to recognize menstruation is just as much of a vital sign as heart rate, blood pressure, or temperature.

Allow me this divergence... I'm still reconciling my feelings on hormonal birth control pills. On one hand, it kept my ovarian cysts at bay all throughout college, after I had already lost an ovary to a torsioned cyst. On the other, it masked my POI for what could have been years. Now they replace the hormones my body cannot produce naturally. I've had this weird give-take relationship with hormonal birth control, so I'm still not sure where my allegiance lies. The point of this brief divergence is to say that eliminating our periods or masking them is a dangerous game, as we lose a basic sign of our reproductive health. My personal thoughts on birth control aside...

Our periods give us a clear picture of our reproductive health and even our overall health. The fact that the media and society paint our periods as nuisance, gross or insignificant is infuriating: it sends the message that we should do away with them entirely, reinforcing broader social constructs of shame, embarrassment, and silence surrounding women's health issues. I know I'm not going to change society, but I'll be damned if I don't try. And look, don't take my word for it (cue Reading Rainbow music) - Dr. Lawrence Nelson at the NIH/NICHD agrees in a recent piece on NPR:

"There's this disconnect," says Nelson. "The menstrual cycle is just seen more as a nuisance by many women. But actually, [when periods are regular] it's the sign that the ovaries and the whole endocrine system related to reproduction is working the way it should."

My points, after this whole long, ranting post?

Love your period. 

Celebrate your womanhood. 

Advocate for women's health issues.

Because women's health matters. Period.

Welcome to May's ICLW!

Hi there! If you're new to the blog, feel free to poke around and check things out. Lots of info about me, this blog, and my interests are scattered all about. The About Keiko and Important Posts are good places to start. Also, make sure to check out the other folks participating in this month's ICLW.

Briefly: Hi! I'm Keiko. *waves* Welcome to my blog. And yes, that's my real name and face everywhere. No more hiding. I'm infertile, big whoop internet. Moving on... :)

I'm Jewish, I'm half-Japanese, I'm a video gamer, blogger, scrapbooker, wine snob and I freakin' love food, I'm seeing a nutrionist with my husband b/c we love food a bit too much, I've got POF and Hashi's, and we're decided to adopt in lieu of pursuing ART. While it's hella more expensive, I'm a huge chicken when it comes to medical stuff and I've been through a lot in the last year, so I'm just not up to more needles and doctor's visits. We hope to get the ball rolling on finding an agency within the next 3-4 months from now.

I'm just a month away from being a first-time Auntie and I can't wait to meet my neice. She's the first grandchild in my family, and she is going to have the best Mom and Dad ever, my sister "Otter" and my BIL "Thor."

I participate in this awesome thing called The Red Tent Temple Movement. I go to the Salem, MA chapter the first Monday after every new moon with a good friend of mine, "Honeybee." It is restorative, empowering, beautiful, and helps me to maintain my sense of womanly cycles since I don't get them anymore.

I made an award-winning short film last month chronicling my experience with infertility (click the What If? Video link above or to the right for more info) that has completely shaped and changed what I want to be when I grow up. Currently, I work in higher education. I've been living in a student residence hall for 3+ years now, and I'm kind of done living in a dorm. I've discovered that health advocacy is my true calling, as I've learned since making this video and seeing its impact. I'm at the right point to transition out of my current career field and into another. I'm currently looking for health advocacy opportunities in the Boston Metro area for an immediate start. Got any leads? Shoot me an email (on the Facebook badge on my right sidebar).

Also in the spirit of advocacy, I'm creating a network of Massachusetts-based infertility bloggers. Do you live in Massachusetts and blog about infertility? I'd love to get to know you. Check out this post for more info on how you can join!

Other things... I turn 28 on Tuesday, May 25th. I'm feeling a lot better about my approaching birthday this year than I did last year. That's saying a lot, because I don't normally get all excited for my birthday. This year? This year we're going to The Melting Pot. I've never been, and boy howdy - do I love me some cheese.

Last month, I made Iron Commenter. This month, I'm turning the tables: 7 days = 7 posts. I'm going to try and post every single day for the entire week, so stop back each day to see what's new!

Welcome and thanks for stopping by. If you feel so inclined, feel free to follow this blog*, follow me on Twitter, or friend me on Facebook. I'm looking forward to meeting and connecting with new folks to my blog! *If I hit 200 followers to this blog before the end of ICLW, I think I'll have to throw my first giveaway, so spread the word!

Happy Commenting & Happy ICLW!

And the Oscar goes to...

Okay, so I might be exaggerating just a tad. I didn't win an Oscar. But I did take the top prize in Wellsphere's This Is Me video contest!

I recut my video with a different intro title and stripped the audio and submitted it to this video contest a couple of weeks ago. #ProjectIF and the This Is Me contest just happened to align perfectly. As the top winner, I've won a Flip Mino HD camera and $100 will be donated towards RESOLVE. But the biggest prize?

Greater exposure to this vital health issue that is infertility.

Check out Wellsphere's YouTube channel to see all 85 submissions. There are some really great videos about some very important health issues on there.

*adjusts her director's hat*

I'm already plotting the films I can make with my new camera... Advocacy films, short documentaries, PSAs... I'm just going to keep riding this wave and keep on makin' waves in the process!

What IF? Video Production Notes

On this last day of National Infertility Awareness Week, I look back over the week and see such tremendous growth. For me personally, I'm looking back on this week as probably one of the turning points in my life. My followers, both of this blog and on Twitter, have substantially increased. My direct traffic has climbed steadily each day. But more importantly, I have met some of the most amazing, brave, passionate people online. I always thought the ALI community was such a small corner of the internet, but I have been proven otherwise this week. I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has spread this out there. I am humbled and deeply grateful.

At the time of writing, my video has reached exactly 5,500 views. Every time it's embedded in a blog post and played there, or watched directly at the Vimeo link, it records that as a view. I have submitted it to CNN iReport, where, at the time of writing, it has received 208 views. It's still not yet been vetted by CNN, but whatever, it doesn't matter. The whole point of all of this was to raise awareness. I didn't create this video because I'm looking for my 15 minutes of fame or any money. I created this video because I'm simply sick and tired of 7.3 million people not being able to speak out for themselves about a very real and very painful disease, both physically and emotionally.

I wanted to share my production notes about actually making this film. It's funny- I've never made a "film" before. I mean, I've shot video, yes, but never put together anything like this before. I just used our camera, a Panasonic Lumix DMC-LX3. For editing, I just used the latest version of iMovie on my husband's Mac. Our camera was particularly helpful since it shot HD and also had unlimited burst mode, so shooting a series of still frames depicting movement was cake. (Even though it ATE UP the battery fast.)

The original idea was to get a variety of women's voices reading a bunch of these questions, profiling a day in the life of a woman, as if these were thoughts in her head. I then realized that I didn't feel like recruiting voiceovers for this, so I thought of just recording myself. Then it morphed into subtitles, and eventually, stop-motion signs. I drew a rough storyboard on Wednesday night. Thursday morning I wrote the script. The entire film was shot over the course of about 10 hours that Saturday. I started bright and early, filming in sequence all of the interior shots in our apartment. Writing all of these questions word by word was... time consuming, at best. I filmed the entire interior sequences in a span of about 4 hours. The most frustrating to film were the shots where the words appeared in the picture frames; I had to shoot, take apart the frame, write the word, reassemble the frame, shoot, lather rinse repeat.

For the exterior work, Larry and I headed to Boston Common. These shots were filmed out of order to make use of available daylight. What I thought was going to be the most challenging sequence: a woman walking across the shot pushing a stroller- was actually quite easy to get. Near the playground, I just walked up to a woman and asked if she wanted to be in my video. She said yes, the rest was history. To thank her for her participation, I gave her a $5 Dunkin' Donuts gift card. We did two takes, and I used the first take.

While filming, particularly the white board scenes and the chalk on the sidewalk scene, we got a lot of curious looks from passersby, but only one couple actually stopped to ask us what we were doing. Lots of stares, raised eyebrows, and half-smiles.

The music was kind of an accidental find. I was leaning toward a Bach cello suite at first, and then possibly a track from the LOST soundtrack (Rose and Bernard theme, for those of you who are curious). I was just listening to MUSE when I was like, this song is perfect. The lyrics even fit with the theme of the video, another happy accident. If you liked the song, please buy it on  - for only $1.29, it's a steal :)

I had a lot of fun making this. After we finished our shots on the Common, we went out to dinner with some friends for some tasty sushi. After I put the video online, I got a message from one of my friends saying she was amazed I was so perky at dinner afterwards despite filming such a heavy subject all day. The truth is, it was just energizing and motivating. I've been riding the energy all week.

I am still absolutely in awe of the reception it has received and is continuing to receive. (15 more views in the 15 minutes I've been writing.) I would love for this to get picked up by the media. But more importantly, this experience has got me rethinking about myself, my goals, and perhaps what I'm meant to do in this world. Perhaps health advocacy is my calling, and #ProjectIF was my catalyst.

Speaking of #ProjectIF: you have until 11:59pmEST tonight to submit your entry. Go do it already! :) I'm going to spend this weekend catching up on the 150+ entries so far (uh oh, this is going to feel like ICLW Iron Commenter all over again) this weekend, and I encourage you to do the same.

Click here expand/collapse the full list of questions in my video.

What IF we raise awareness about infertility?

What IF I never fill this scrapbook page?

What IF I never see two lines?

What IF infertility has robbed me of my sexiness and I'm never "in the mood" again?

What IF we finally save enough money for our one IVF cycle and it fails?

What IF we can't afford to adopt?

What IF I can't counter the thought we had to "buy" a baby?

What IF I see another pregnancy announcement or ultrasound photo on Facebook today?

What IF we have to learn to live childfree... with a smile?

What IF he leaves me for a fertile woman?

What IF I never let go of the resentment and jealousy of the women who got to do this naturally?

What IF I lose myself along the way?

What IF I stop defining myself by my infertility?

What IF I stop hiding behind my fears? My doubts? My grief?

What IF I redefine what it means to be woman? Mother? Family?

What IF I let go of the doubt, the fear, the worry, the self-judgments for one day? One week? For the rest of my life?

What IF I became an advocate for infertility research and treatment?

What IF every state passed a law requiring insurance companies to cover infertility treatments?

What IF I lived in the moment rather than in an uncertain future?

What IF my story can help just one person? Hundreds? Millions?

Click here to expand/collapse the lyrics of the song in my video.

MUSE: Exogenesis Symphony Part III - Redemption: Let's start over again / Why can't we start it over again / Just let us start it over again / And we'll be good / This time we'll get it, get it right / It's our last chance to forgive ourselves

ICLW May Be Over, But NIAW is in Full Swing!

I did it. 170 blogs (3 went down since the list went up). 170 comments in 7 days. I made my first Iron Commenter! I have found so many new blogs to follow- check my right sidebar to who I've added. I've found a ton of adoption blogs- check out my left sidebar just to see all the adoption bloggers I'm following. But most of all, I've met and made connections with so many people. The experience of making these connections is just amazing. Iron Commenter is indeed not for the faint of heart, but it is worth it, so worth it.

Like the post title says, ICLW may be over at midnight tonight, but that doesn't mean the comments have to stop. This has definitely kicked my butt into being a better active partipant in the ALI blogosphere. The sheer value in the connections I've made will only last if I keep up my end: reading, commenting, sharing stories.

Just because ICLW is over doesn't mean that NIAW is even close to being done! There's a lot happening on Capitol Hill right now. Melissa Ford of Stirrup Queens has posted her remarks she gave this morning at the infertility briefing on the Hill. They are powerful and inspiring. They remind me of why it is that I'm out and outspoken about my IF: because we need the government to act! She's there today with the executive leadership of RESOLVE. I hope they're making waves.

What else can you do to raise awareness? You can tweet about it, Facebook it, blog about it... make sure you Stumbleupon and Kirtsy and Digg and Reddit your links too! You can be out and outspoken about your infertility. Like Iron Commenter, it's not for the faint of heart, but damn if it doesn't feel good. "But what IF I'm too nervous about outing myself?" you ask? Well, here, let me do it for you. Use me as your stand-in, and share my What IF? A Portrait of Infertility video. Just spread it with words like "Because 1 in 8 is someone you know. This video is about a very important cause." And then leave it at that. *wipes hands* See? Infertility activism and advocacy is easy.

Other ways to raise awareness? Check out all of the blogs participating in #ProjectIF. Retweet @resolveorg or follow them on Twitter. Use hashtag #infertility in your tweets. Link to other bloggers on your blog, or even better yet- on your Facebook.

There's still 4 days left, including today, to raise awareness for National Infertility Awareness Week. Take just a few minutes each day and keep the awareness going!

What IF?

I was so inspired by so many of the questions raised in the Phase One of #ProjectIF that I couldn't pick just one to respond to. I saw this as a collective lamentation laid bare for the world to see. So many of these questions have flittered through and lingered in my brain at one point or another in our journey that I simply had to include them all. My hope is that this video captures the "everydayness" that is coping with infertility. So, here is my response to #Project IF. More about my thoughts on #ProjectIF below the video.




What IF we can become a positive force for change?


What IF? from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

What IF I can't pick myself back up after each setback?
I have seen the gamut of human experience and emotion this week. I've been going for Iron Commenter for ICLW, my first time trying it. I've read so much already - for every small victory: Aunt Flo still hasn't shown up, a successful transfer, social workers secured- there are just as many crushing setbacks: empty yolk sacs, canceled IUIs, no matured blasts, the birthmother backed out. I've read and commented on just over half of this month's participating blogs so far, and the sheer variety and depth of experiences is humbling, overwhelming, and at times, comforting. When you find someone, an otherwise stranger to you, who is going through nearly the same experiences, positive or otherwise, there is instant kinship between you and she, somewhere in the mix of wires and signals and binary code. In this mess of electronic tangles, we find connection.

If there's one thing I've learned so far in this year of coping, crying, laughing, and learning, it's that the road through infertility is indeed a bumpy one, and sometimes we diverge so far off course we hardly even recognize where we are anymore or from where we've come. All we know is that we are weary from the journey.

My hope in making this video was to answer this question above, to inspire those struggling with any aspect of IF to find the strength to press on, to find peace, to remain inspired and to remind them to be true to themselves.

What IF I got rid of the anonymity and put a real name and a real face to a story of IF?
Like most ventures on the internet, I got scared of putting my real name out there, much less my face. I hid behind my Hebrew name because it was convenient, and I think because in many ways, I was still ashamed, angry, and bitter at my diagnosis. Over this past year, I have grown and learned so much. I wouldn't say I've healed completely, but I've let go of a lot of baggage and realized that I can only move forward with my life if I allow myself to do so. I have found and met amazing people on the internet and in real life who understand this struggle. And I realized that legislators don't care about internet pseudonyms. They care about constituents with names, verifiable addresses, and most of all, votes.

So, allow me to introduce myself, dear readers:

Hi. I'm Keiko Zoll. *waves* Yes, my Hebrew name is Miriam. (I'm still the same old Miriam, but you can call me Keiko. I wasn't kidding when I said I was half-Japanese.) Yes, I'm 27 years old and yes, I live in Boston, MA. I still love food, travel, camping, scrapbooking, and playing a ridiculous amount of Modern Warfare 2. 

I live and cope with my infertility every single day, but I refuse to let it bring me down.

I'm taking this a step further. As I mentioned in my post about National Infertility Awareness Week, I posed a challenge to folks reading this blog to out themselves out of the IF closet on Facebook, Twitter, their blogs- wherever. Not only am I doing this myself tomorrow via my FB status message, but I'm sharing this video on my Facebook profile and Twitter accounts too.

What IF my video can help erase some of the stigma surrounding infertility, and give a voice to  millions who may be otherwise silent?

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For more information about infertility, please visit RESOLVE's Infertility Overview page.

Click here for more info about National Infertility Awareness Week 2010.

Click here for the complete What IF list.

Click here to see who else is participating in #ProjectIF.
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UPDATE: Read how this video has been received and my advocacy efforts two months later.