What IF?

I was so inspired by so many of the questions raised in the Phase One of #ProjectIF that I couldn't pick just one to respond to. I saw this as a collective lamentation laid bare for the world to see. So many of these questions have flittered through and lingered in my brain at one point or another in our journey that I simply had to include them all. My hope is that this video captures the "everydayness" that is coping with infertility. So, here is my response to #Project IF. More about my thoughts on #ProjectIF below the video.




What IF we can become a positive force for change?


What IF? from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

What IF I can't pick myself back up after each setback?
I have seen the gamut of human experience and emotion this week. I've been going for Iron Commenter for ICLW, my first time trying it. I've read so much already - for every small victory: Aunt Flo still hasn't shown up, a successful transfer, social workers secured- there are just as many crushing setbacks: empty yolk sacs, canceled IUIs, no matured blasts, the birthmother backed out. I've read and commented on just over half of this month's participating blogs so far, and the sheer variety and depth of experiences is humbling, overwhelming, and at times, comforting. When you find someone, an otherwise stranger to you, who is going through nearly the same experiences, positive or otherwise, there is instant kinship between you and she, somewhere in the mix of wires and signals and binary code. In this mess of electronic tangles, we find connection.

If there's one thing I've learned so far in this year of coping, crying, laughing, and learning, it's that the road through infertility is indeed a bumpy one, and sometimes we diverge so far off course we hardly even recognize where we are anymore or from where we've come. All we know is that we are weary from the journey.

My hope in making this video was to answer this question above, to inspire those struggling with any aspect of IF to find the strength to press on, to find peace, to remain inspired and to remind them to be true to themselves.

What IF I got rid of the anonymity and put a real name and a real face to a story of IF?
Like most ventures on the internet, I got scared of putting my real name out there, much less my face. I hid behind my Hebrew name because it was convenient, and I think because in many ways, I was still ashamed, angry, and bitter at my diagnosis. Over this past year, I have grown and learned so much. I wouldn't say I've healed completely, but I've let go of a lot of baggage and realized that I can only move forward with my life if I allow myself to do so. I have found and met amazing people on the internet and in real life who understand this struggle. And I realized that legislators don't care about internet pseudonyms. They care about constituents with names, verifiable addresses, and most of all, votes.

So, allow me to introduce myself, dear readers:

Hi. I'm Keiko Zoll. *waves* Yes, my Hebrew name is Miriam. (I'm still the same old Miriam, but you can call me Keiko. I wasn't kidding when I said I was half-Japanese.) Yes, I'm 27 years old and yes, I live in Boston, MA. I still love food, travel, camping, scrapbooking, and playing a ridiculous amount of Modern Warfare 2. 

I live and cope with my infertility every single day, but I refuse to let it bring me down.

I'm taking this a step further. As I mentioned in my post about National Infertility Awareness Week, I posed a challenge to folks reading this blog to out themselves out of the IF closet on Facebook, Twitter, their blogs- wherever. Not only am I doing this myself tomorrow via my FB status message, but I'm sharing this video on my Facebook profile and Twitter accounts too.

What IF my video can help erase some of the stigma surrounding infertility, and give a voice to  millions who may be otherwise silent?

-----

For more information about infertility, please visit RESOLVE's Infertility Overview page.

Click here for more info about National Infertility Awareness Week 2010.

Click here for the complete What IF list.

Click here to see who else is participating in #ProjectIF.
-----

UPDATE: Read how this video has been received and my advocacy efforts two months later.

From Words to Voices to Faces: Researching Adoption

We've got lots of questions about adoption. The internet, the blogs, the two books we're reading- they've got answers. For Ari and I, it's getting a little overwhelming, not going to lie. Unfortunately, we can't really move forward yet until two things are figured out: 1) my job and 2) our housing. My job and housing come as a package deal, and there's some rather vague, amorphous changes happening to my job this summer that may or may not leave us with housing. *uncomfortable laugh* ha ha ha ha... I'm hoping I get some answers soon because if they do yank my housing (in lieu of a higher salary and better position title), um, we need to find a place to live.

Right, so anywho. Back to adoption. We're reading books, trolling teh intarwebs, readin' the blogs, and boy howdy, it's a lot. So we've got two things up at the pass for us to hopefully make digesting this whole adoption thing a little bit easier. At 4pm today, I'm participating in the Adoption Info Teleseminar via RESOLVE, as part of their free teleseminars this week for National Infertility Awareness Week. (Sidebar: RESOVLE's got a brand-spankin-new website and it looks AWESOME.) And on June 12, we're going to an Adoption Conference sponsored by RESOLVE of the Bay State, our local chapter. We've been to their Annual Conference, so we expect the same high caliber, in-depth material. We're really looking forward to it. I hope to blog here about my experience with the teleseminar tonight or tomorrow morning.

Other updates...

- Still pressing on with my #ProjectIF entry. No details on what I'm doing yet, but man oh man I can't wait to post it when I'm finished.
- As a result, ICLW Iron Commenter status has stalled a little bit. Trying to pick up some comment time when I can today.
- Am really proud of the healthy choices I made while out to dinner last night. I had yakisoba with veggies, suzuki sashimi (sea bass) instead of nigiri b/c I didn't want the rice since I was having noodles, and daifuku (mochi with ice cream) instead of the giant bowl of fried ice cream. Also, Boston's Chinatown is one cool place.

Gotta run... lots of work on #ProjectIF today. Are you participating?

National Infertility Awareness Week 2010

This Saturday kicks off RESOLVE's National Infertility Awareness Week. Last year, I was ballsy and decided to post about it on my Facebook page. My status: 1 out of every 8 couples is coping with infertility... and I'm one of them. Learn more about National Infertility Awareness Week. I had three friends: a former coworker's wife, and two friends from middle and high school message me on Facebook to tell me they were going through infertility too, and how grateful they were for posting that as my status. I had waffled on posting it- it was up for a few hours, then I deleted it. In the hours it was down was when I received those messages, so I put it back up.

This year, I plan to post it with pride. Not because I'm proud that I'm infertile, but that I'm proud to advocate for an important healthcare issue. And because if my story can help just one other person, then that's all that matters.

I posit a challenge to each of you: out yourself this week. Share your story, your pain, your fears, your hopes. Lay it out there for your family, your friends- better yet, your state and federal representatives. Be it Facebook, Twitter - maybe even an e-card: put it out there. Give a face to infertility. Give a face to infertility advocacy.

This year, become a voice for action.

Calling All Adoption Bloggers!

Ari and I just keep getting more and more excited the more we think about adopting. In fact, we're downright giddy. We are also c l u e l e s s. Right now we're reading the two books below- Ari's reading the first one, I'm reading the second one. We'll swap when we're done.

I'm enjoying the Idiot's Guide; it's a great overview. But I am always desperate for more material. I've been trolling the Adoption Blogroll over at Stirrup Queens, but I'm looking to connect with other bloggers who are in the initial, pre-home study stages of their adoption process or at the very least, those who have not yet been matched or finalized.

So I'm putting the call out there, because I trust this community more than I trust Google:

What adoption blogs should I be reading and following?

Also what websites, books, videos, YouTube channels, etc. should I be looking out for?

Which resources should I stay away from?

Thank you in advance, oh wonderful and resourceful and connected ALI community!

#ProjectIF

I've had the button up on the right since my site redesign, but I wanted to make sure I blasted this out as a post, too. Mel over at Stirrup Queens is collaborating with RESOLVE for a truly unique online event in conjunction with National Infertility Awareness Week, April 24 - May 1, 2010.

Phase One of the project is currently live on her site. Click the button to the right to be taken there for all the details. Essentially, leave a comment to Mel's blog post asking the question "What IF..." and then fill in the rest from there, relating it to infertility. Mel will select 10 "What IF" questions to be used in Phase Two of the project. Phase Two will begin next week, which is currently a mystery... I'm excited to find out what the next phase is.

I gotta warn you: reading through the 300+ comments and even more What IF questions already posted, it is extremely humbling and moving. Tissues are a must.

This is a pretty amazing project to be a part of, so spread the word, via your blog or Twitter, with hashtag term #ProjectIF. There's still two days left to join in on Phase One, so if you haven't submitted your What IF's yet, get 'em in now!

Baubo, The Belly Laugh, and Spring Awakenings

It's been officially spring for a couple of weeks and I've been loving this warm weather across much of MA this week. It's been nearly three years since Ari and I moved to Boston, and these New England winters have made me appreciate the first signs of spring that much more so. I've been doing a lot of reading and a lot of thinking lately... I've felt as though I'm poised on the edge of decision-making with regards to family building, and I think I'm just about there. In these last couple of days of Passover, I've also been drawn closer to my faith. It's a holy season for everyone, really. Whether it's the pull of faith or perhaps the buzzing of the birds and the bees this time of year, there is certainly this feeling of energy, this vibrational hum pulsing just beneath the surface of things. Perhaps it's merely our skin delighting in all that sunshine, turning light into some much needed vitamin D.

I just finished Ellen Frankel's The Five Books of Miriam. This is a must-read for any Jewish woman (just short of Anita Diamant's The Red Tent- in fact, I call that required reading for every woman, Jewish or otherwise). It bills itself as a woman's commentary on the Torah. With it's highly conversational structure not unlike you might find in the margins of Torah midrashim, it is both feminist and traditional, forging new patterns of thought and interpretation while contextualizing the Torah into a feminist modernity from the lenses of our daughters, mothers, bubbes, and the women prophets and stars of the Bible itself. It is an incredibly empowering read for any Jewish woman coping with infertility, as it speaks so beautifully and painfully honest from the perspectives of so many barren Matriarchs.

In this rather empowered mindset, as I tap into that spring hum that seems to be buzzing all around me, I am reminded of a story that my dear friend Honeybee shared at one of the Red Tent Temples from a few months back. It's the legend of Baubo, a little known tale in the greater story of Demetre and her daughter Persephone's dark descent into Hades.

Demetre, the Greek goddess of the harvest and fertility of the soil, had a daughter, Persephone, who was wickedly abducted by Hades, the Lord of the Underworld. He tricks Persephone into eating the seeds of a pomegranate, and by consuming any food or drink while in the Underworld, she has sealed her fate for eternity: she may never leave. Demetre is understandably distraught, in fact, so much so, her grief plunges her into a dark, cold despair. She retreats from the World: the earth cannot bear crops, the land stricken with barrenness as she grieves the loss of her precious Persephone.

So much of Demetre's pain resonates within the ALI community.

Enter Baubo: descriptions vary from a woman with voluminous skirts to a talking vulva. Baubo sits in front of Demetre and lifts her skirts before her, telling raucous, bawdy jokes, inspiring a fountain of joy in the form of the deepest belly laugh, from our solar plexus and radiating outward. Baubo is the only one who ends Demetre's grieving, whose tears dry and face contorts into laughter. Through her bawdy jokes and brazen presentation, Baubo encourages Demetre to return to the World and to once again bear fertile fields. Baubo gives Demetre the courage to recover, to move on, to find joy and laughter in life again. And with that, the World awakens from the darkest Winter into the first Spring.

What can we in the ALI community learn from the legend of Baubo?

That after darkness, after pain, after loss: there is joy again. That we must encourage ourselves to laugh fully and completely, to laugh from the bottoms of our bellies, and by laughing we truly live in the moment. Even in our journeys to parenthood frought with worries, needles, tests, inconsiderate remarks and daily reminders of our struggles: there is still laughter to be found- there will always be a Spring to follow the Winter.

I have been feeling my own Spring Awakening as our path to family building comes into focus, and I wanted to share this energy, this inspiration: to laugh, to give ourselves permission to laugh, to feel joy, and to live in the moment. Here are some places I'd like to point folks in their IF journey, to take a moment to pause and laugh a deep belly laugh with Baubo herself:

Infertile Naomi is finding 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility. In addition to her blog, she has a Facebook page of the same name. Always hilarious, painfully honest - she is worth a read when you need to laugh at the absurdity of IF.

In the same vein as Infertile Naomi's blog, there's the YouTube video "Aunt Jane Knows More Than My RE."

WiseGuy over at Woman Anyone? is now on CD2 after "Agendy Fugnimimi" showed up. Always an interesting read, WiseGuy has a myriad of names she calls our dear Aunt Flo. Her post reminded me of a site I stumbled upon with a list of international phrases for good ol' AF - I make no vouchers if these are in fact true colloquialisms, but they are hilarious just the same.

And I always recommend People of Walmart when you need to feel better about yourself. Ok, so maybe it's not exactly politically correct to laugh at others' expense to feel better about yourself, but at least click over and check out the hilarity. Other photo blogs good for a laugh: This is Why You're Fat, LATFH (nsfw), Awkward Family Photos, Cake Wrecks, and Lamebook (occasionally nsfw). Honorable mention, for all you LOST fans: Never Seen Lost, a blog recapping each episode of Season 6 by someone who's never watched a second of the show prior to this season.

The moral of today's post: take a moment to pause and laugh, to laugh so hard and so deep from within your belly and womb that your tears are out of joy, of being fully in the moment. Let Spring awaken within each of you.

"At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities." 

~ Jean Houston

Busted Plumbing's Infertility Blog Hop

Kate over at Busted Plumbing is hosting an Infertility Blog Hop. It's a great opportunity to find new blogs and bring a little exposure to your own as well. Check out her post here for more details and have fun finding new blogs to read and support!




Hop on over and check it out- I'm blog hopping this weekend, are you?

Surviving Passover: Thoughts on Being Jewish and Infertile

Passover is one of my favorite holidays, second only to Thanksgiving. They're both about food, family, and rich with tradition. Passover is not an easy holiday for the infertile Jew; so much emphasis is placed on children and fertility that it feels like there are little landmines left around the seder plate and hidden with the afikomen. How does Passover affect each sphere of the ALI community: adoption, loss, infertility? And how do we make this a meaningful holiday and spare ourselves the mental and emotional strife?

Before I go on, I need to say: this post is a big step for me. This time a year ago, I nearly lost my faith in the wake of finding out about my infertility. This year, like the crocus that fights through the snow, I come with a renewed perspective and a resilience to go on.

Sitting on our seder plate will be the beitzah, a roasted egg, a symbol of both life and fertility. Typically, particularly among the Sephardi, a roasted egg is the first thing eaten at the start of the festival meal. Traditionally this is also the first food a mourner eats following a Jewish funeral: in death, we remember life. We are reminded of life's cycles, of marking time- these concepts are foundational to the Jewish faith. The beitzah is perhaps the most visible reminder, the first of the emotional landmines on our holiday table. This year, instead of looking at that egg and thinking about the fact that I don't really have any good eggs of my own, I see the beitzah as a symbol of hope. There's something about a thin little shell containing possibility within: the act of hatching, of breaking through- this is a lesson in patience, struggle, and ultimately, hope. The egg is the idea. Its hatching is the fruition of our hopes.

Turning the pages of our haggadah, we read aloud how Pharaoh ordered the death of all Hebrew first-born. Later, the final plague results in the death of all Egyptian first-born: the profound loss of life- including Pharaoh's only son- moves him such that he releases the Hebrew slaves. I cannot imagine what it must be like to read this and have experienced any kind of pregnancy loss. I have always struggled with this part of Exodus. It speaks so clearly of almost Hammurabian retribution: you kill our first-born so too shall yours be killed. But from a theological standpoint, I suppose it illustrates that God is indiscriminate, b/c the same God who kills the Egyptian first-born is the same God that allows the first-born of his Chosen to be killed. What can we learn in this moment? Carpe diem. When someone's time is up, that's it, so make the most of the time you have.

For some of us in the ALI community, this still makes no sense, that something we've longed for could be taken away so soon. We cannot regain those lives, so we must live our own lives as best we can, yet these wounds leave scars on our hearts. As we retell the story of Exodus, we relive the pain of that scar even as we eat maror (horseradish) and karpas (vegetable) dipped in saltwater to symbolize tears, so that we as pass on our traditions even the pain of the memory is still felt. It is an almost kinesthetic form of cultural and historic education. 5000 years later we are still feeling the pain of Exodus, so it is only natural that those grieving a loss- be it at 6 weeks, 6 months, or even 6 years of age- still feel the pain. Acknowledge this pain of loss. Weave it into your story. Use it as a tool to educate and comfort others.

Even the emotional toll of adoption is featured in the Passover story, as Moses is rescued from the reeds and raised as the adopted son of the Egyptian princess. For the couple waiting to be chosen by prospective birth parents, that sense of hope and yet waiting is just as palpable as the Hebrew slaves waiting for their freedom. The Hebrews, once freed, they had to be ready to go at a moment's notice- that's why matzo is unleavened and we eat unleavened foods, as the bread didn't even have time to rise they had to flee Egypt so quickly. With domestic adoption, the same is true: everything has to be ready to go because you could be in line at the post office and get a call that you'll be placed with a child in a matter of days. So how can the prospective adoptive parent who's mind is half on the food in front of them but have their cell on vibrate in their pocket, waiting and hoping for that phone call? I recommend capitalizing on that energy, that excitement, and that hope. Channel energy into action. Offer to babysit the kids while the moms cook (might as well get a little extra practice in before the real deal, right?) Or, screw babysitting and get to work in the kitchen! Infuse your food with your energy so that your guests grow as excited with each bite as you already are. Get creative: nothing helps keep that energy moving like a little creativity. Maybe you arrange a beautiful table scape with handmade place cards, or you stitch your own matzo cover.

There are still even other areas that focus so much on family, children, legacy, and fertility, particularly the Four Questions and the Four Children. I'll get into a much more in depth look at those tomorrow.

This is by no means a comprehensive survival guide, but these are just a few things to make this holiday a little more bearable and perhaps provide a renewed context. That being said, I know this is a tough holiday for some and really can reawaken some old wounds. Like any other family gathering, if you need to bow out or only stay for a short while- do so. Ultimately, you need to do what's healthy for you and your partner. Make sure you do what you need for your own healing. I highly recommend having your spouse or a close friend read you this beautiful and invigorating guided meditation over at Ritual Well on the Kos Refuah/Cup of Healing.

For those of you cooking like fiends this weekend like I am, I wish you ovens that heat evenly, fridges and freezers that will fit all your precooked food, and short lines at the grocery store. More thoughts on Passover and infertility tomorrow.

You like me... you really like me!

So, I went into a bit of hibernation and, like the awakening season around me, I am slowly coming out of it. I need to catch up on most of blogs I follow, and am slowly marking a return to posting regularly. In coming out of hibernation, I vanity searched this blog title on Google, and boy howdy, people have been talking about it!

I've been awarded another blog award by Sonja over at The Mud and the Lotus. Thanks Sonja! Not like I'm only almost 2 months late realizing I've received this award or anything :) Seriously though, thanks bunches. Award post to follow in a few days.

I've also been named one of the 101 Best ALI (Adoption, Loss, and Infertility) Blogs over at Grown in My Heart, an online adoption network. This blog is only one of 10 listed in the specific Infertility category- I've been named alongside some biggies like Melissa over at Stirrup Queens and Pamela at Silent Sorority. I'm totally flattered, honored, and humbled.

I was also inspired to write this post b/c I've been approached by a website called Wellsphere to become one of their Featured Health Bloggers. I've never heard of Wellsphere before, and I'm hesitant to do so without knowing much about them. Anyone out there work with them or signed up to be one of their featured bloggers?

I guess I'm just always surprised when people like a) my writing or b) anything I do (graphic design, vocal music, crafts, photography, etc.). I've never taken compliments well - I put my heart into stuff because I like to do it, not because I'm fishing for praise, so when I do, I always get real bashful, real fast. But I've had a lot of people tell me I apparently write quite well, and I'm left to wonder if I shouldn't be working on something more formal, like a book, or a more dedicated website. I dunno. It's tempting, to say the least.

So I'll wrap this up by saying a huge thank you to my readers and followers - my blog's popularity is only increased by your praise and spreading my name out there. I started this blog because I was simply overwhelmed with emotion: it began as a cathartic- if public yet anonymous- means of coping. I have remained anonymous mostly out of consideration for my husband; he's got a pretty big online presence and I don't want to compete, let alone have this somehow attached to his already established professional presence- and I'm totally okay with that. I continue to exist because I know that there are people who really do care about what I have to say, who are invested in the crazy ups and downs of our journey through infertility. And ultimately, I keep on writing because I hope I can help someone else out there, even just one person- to put the information out there that I wished was there when I entered the Land of IF just a year ago tomorrow.

Thanks readers, for giving me strength, hope, and the courage to keep on writing about what's important.

Women and Falling Fertility: ABC News Article

Women and Falling Fertility: Women Lose 90 Percent of Eggs by Age 30 - ABC News

Saw this lined at Fark.com, of all places. The article is interesting. The comment thread, like any comment thread on Fark, is a disaster. Still, premature ovarian failure is a fairly uncommon diagnosis... but it makes sense why some women, if not born with enough eggs, would run out much faster. Average age of Dx for POF is 27. Go fig.

My First Blog Award!

Presented to me by Sara over at Life Goes On. I had no idea I had won until I did a lil vanity searching recently :) Thanks so much Sara, I'm touched and honored!

The Rules:

• Share 7 things that you don't already know about me.
• Name 7 other blogs to receive this award.
• Leave a comment on each of the blogs I nominated.
• Thank the person who gave you the award.

7 Things About Me

1. My favorite books include: Brave New World, House of Leaves, Kafka on the Shore, The Red Tent, Haunted, Atonement, and The Little Prince.
2. I have watched the sun rise over the Reflecting Pond from the steps of the Lincoln Memorial and have seen the sun set over the Pacific Ocean along the Pacific Coast Highway, somewhere between Big Sur and Cayucos.
3. Things I have eaten raw: crab, squid, abelone, tuna, salmon, mackerel, sea urchin. 
4. I have a knack for crafting and pick up on new crafts fairly quickly. My newest venture? Jewelry making. It's easy, it's fun, and if I get good enough at it, I can sell it.
   
5. (Click the links for neat places I've actually been to in all of these states/countries.) I have visited the following states: New Jersey, Pennsylvania, New York, Maryland, Virginia, South Carolina, Florida, Massachusetts, Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, Wisconsin, Nevada (I'm counting the 2 hours I spent in Las Vegas on a layover - I played a slot machine, it counts), and California. I have visited the following countries: Bahamas, Canada, Iceland (again, counting a 4-hour layover in Reykjavík), France, Japan. 
6. I have been a vivid dreamer all of my life, and keep dream journals. I have recently delved into lucid dreaming with great success. I have several recurring dream symbols: bridges, oceans, tornadoes, being chased, carnivals and museums, the NJ Boardwalk, and recurring several recurring dreamscapes, particularly surrounding the neighborhood I grew up. If I really put my mind to it, I could map my entire recurrent dreamscape if I wanted to.
   
7. I am a closet professional wrestling fan. The Big Show is my favorite wrestler, followed closely by The Undertaker and HBK. I don't follow it as much as I used to a few years ago, but I start caring once the Royal Rumble happens, and definitely try to clue in before Wrestlemania each year.
   

7 Other Blogs to Receive this Award!

1. Jo at MoJo Working: Witty and razor sharp; I've enjoyed her writing style and perspective on life. She is going through a loss right now, so please direct all your love and energy to her and her husband as they go through this tough time.
2. Fertility Chick: A blog I've started reading recently - dealing with PCOS and male factor. Found her via Twitter.
   
3. Bella at Bella and Her Fella: One of the first POF blogs I found- she's now pg with twins (and due fairly soon, I believe). She gives me a lot of hope about finding parenthood despite POF.
4. Kate of Busted Plumbing: This is probably the spunkiest blogs I've come across so far, and I love it. Another Twitter find.
5. Die Frau Ohne Schatten (The Woman Without a Shadow): She's been MIA since a miscarriage mid-last year, and I'm hoping my blog award will coax her back into the blogosphere.
6. IVF and the Newlywed: Props to a fellow Bostonian, who's also started a lovely gathering call the Ruby Feather Social Club. I'm still working up the nerve to actually check them out in person instead of lurking/following the idea on the internet.
7. And my last award goes to Gil over at The Hardest Quest. This one is special to me. I met Gil over on LiveJournal, in one of the infertility communities. I put one of those "omg how do you cope with the pain?" questions out there, and Gil suggested I try blogging. She pointed me to her blog, and through hers I found so many others, and discovered the huge ALI blogosphere in just a matter of days. Pretty soon, I was bold enough to start my own. After years of struggling with IF, Gil is now a proud Maman to a 4-month-old daughter.
   

Thanks again to Sara at Life Goes On - it's neat to be recognized by other bloggers out there. You've just earned yourself another follower and I look forward to reading more about your journey!

A letter to MA State Senator Scott Brown

I received an action alert email from a donor agency that Ari and I have been using to browse donor profiles. We haven't selected a donor, but it's a nice exercise in getting us at least mentally prepared for DE/IVF. The email linked to an article in yesterday's Boston Globe, where Senator Scott Brown, currently running for Republicans in next week's special election for the late Kennedy's US Senate seat, has said that he intends to propose legislation that would no longer require MA insurance companies to cover IVF. The key paragraph from the article is below:

Brown also said he was filing legislation in Massachusetts to ease regulations on insurance companies, which he said have driven up costs. He said companies should not be required to cover so many different medical services, including in vitro fertilization.Coakley's campaign this afternoon attacked the bill, saying it would allow the removal of mandated insurance coverage for things such as mammograms, minimum maternity stays for new mothers, and hospice care for seniors.

As usual, this got me fired up, and I fired off an email to Senator Brown directly. If you live in MA, I urge you to do the same: his email is Scott.P.Brown@state.ma.us.

Dear Senator Brown,

I recently read in yesterday's Globe (http://www.boston.com/news/local/breaking_news/2009/12/brown_health_ca.html) that you intend to propose legislation that would reduce the amount of coverage currently required to be provided by Massachusetts insurance companies, particularly with regard to the coverage of in-vitro fertilization (IVF). Senator Brown, I cannot express enough how detrimental this would be not only your constituents, but to the greater scope of infertility treatment coverage in the nation. Massachusetts has perhaps some of the most comprehensive health care regulations regarding infertility treatment in the nation, and to revoke that coverage would be devastating to thousands of couples and families in this state. The cost of IVF can approach upwards of $30,000 for a single cycle, and for a couple that's counting on their insurance company to cover their clinical costs to suddenly lose that security mid-cycle is not only financially disastrous, but emotionally destructive as well.

As an elected official in Massachusetts, infertility affects over 150,000 of your constituents, according to the CDC’s 2002 National Survey of Family Growth. Yet, this isn’t something that we would necessarily write to you about. For many of us, we won’t even share these concerns outside of our closest family and friends. Some of us never find the words or the ways to share it with others, and live with a deeply stressful, private struggle. I, however, have chosen to remain silent no longer, and have channeled my fear and frustration into advocacy for an issue about which I deeply care.

Senator Brown, allow me to share my story with you, so that you may understand why insurance coverage for IVF is so important. Nine months ago, I began having symptoms wildly atypical for an otherwise healthy 26 year old woman in her childbearing years. My husband and I had no plans for children until a few years from now, once we were more settled financially. Taking the proactive approach about these strange symptoms, I sought out my doctor, who delivered a bombshell of a diagnosis: premature ovarian failure (POF). Formerly known as premature menopause, my reproductive system as essentially shut down, in a process I shouldn't be experiencing for another two decades. At 26 years old, I had lost my ability to be able to have my own children. At 26 years old, I was married for just over a year and had no plans to even start trying to have children for another two to three years, and I was told I would never be able to achieve pregnancy naturally. The only hope of building a family, I was told, as I sat there speechless and shell-shocked in my doctor's office, was to use donor eggs in conjunction with IVF or to pursue adoption.

It has been a wild year as my husband and I have been completely rethinking everything we thought we knew about how we would build a family together. Just days after my diagnosis, my husband was laid off. We moved quickly to transfer insurance coverage through my employer. As we began researching our options further, IVF has appeared more fiscally lucrative to our situation, particularly on one income right now. Dollar for dollar, IVF and domestic adoption cost about the same, in the $30,000 range. What has made IVF particularly attractive is that currently in the state of Massachusetts, that cost is nearly cut in half thanks to the state-mandated infertility coverage regulations.

Every decision my husband and I have made about our careers in the last nine months has been centered on the fact that we need to remain in Massachusetts, because of the very coverage that's in place. Senator Brown, if you propose legislation that would discontinue coverage for IVF, I simply cannot afford to have children, IVF or otherwise. This legislation would take away my ability to a basic human right: the right to build a family. The next best solution for us would be to uproot and move to another state with the next best health care regulations in place (in this case, New Jersey or Connecticut). In this economy, looking for a new job isn't easy, to put it plainly: just ask my husband, who is still unemployed after nearly a year since being laid off. How can this be something you endorse - legislation that denies individuals the right to build families or drives them out of the state to find appropriate coverage?

Senator Brown, I implore you not pursue this change in legislation. As a candidate for the Senate seat left by the late Honorable Ted Kennedy, it seems contrary to the legacy of progressive health care reform and support left in his passing.

In the Boston Globe article you state, "My primary responsibility is to ensure that the people of Massachusetts get the best value for their dollar." How can this be possible when you intend to propose cutting the coverage upon which the people of Massachusetts depend? Perhaps your rationale is that these procedures, like mammograms and minimum maternity stay lengths (as you also intend to propose coverage reductions), aren't relevant to the entire population of the state. Perhaps infertile women and couples, women at risk for breast cancer, and new mothers make up only a small portion of your constituents, despite the fact that 3.2 million women make up 52% of the state’s population. A reduction in these vital services is quite plainly cutting off the nose despite the face.

Senator Brown, I urge you to reconsider your position on health care coverage reduction in the state of Massachusetts, and I encourage you to contact RESOLVE, the National Infertility Association (www.resolve.org) or its regional chapter here in Waltham, RESOLVE of the Bay State (www.resolveofthebaystate.org) for more information about why infertility coverage matters. I also welcome the opportunity to discuss this issue personally with you and your staff.

Senator Brown, I don't want to feel like my chances of having a family are being taken away from me for a second time.

Best,
Miriam

A Celebratory 100th Post

I can't believe this crept up on me so fast. I can't believe I've written 100 posts since March... nuts. (Although really, this isn't shocking; the LiveJournal I kept for years amassed almost 1200 entries in about 4 years.) In celebration of this momentous occasion, I've got a big announcement...

I'm going to be an Aunt!

I can finally let the cat out of the bag; my sister had told me weeks ago, but I was sworn to secrecy to keep it from our parents. Over Thanksgiving, they did the reveal to both sets of parents, and told their friends this past weekend. The gag order has been lifted and I'm really happy to write about it here. Our parents are of course very excited; Spud will be the first grandchild for them.

For the sake of anonymity in this blog, I'll be referring to my sister as Otter, her husband as Thor, and the baby as Spud (their name for the lil' rascal, not mine). Mom-to-be is healthy, glowing, and due in the end of June, which fits her school-year scheduled life perfectly. A lil background: my sister is 8 years older than me and they've been married for 8 years now. Thor is a totally awesome brother-in-law, and they have been gracious caretakers to one of our cats, Clio, when my current job didn't allow pets.

Here's the super-weird-almost-cosmic way I found out... Ari and I were only back from Japan a matter of days when I had a very vivid dream where Otter walked up to me on the street and told me she was 8 weeks pregnant. She also told me it was a little girl and was naming it my maternal grandmother's first and middle names. We hugged, I was excited, I woke up from a dead sleep in the middle of the night, not entirely sure if that was even real. I went back to sleep and told Ari about it the next morning. He thought that was a weird dream too.

So I IM'd her the next day, asking her how she was feeling and telling her about that funny dream I had the night before. My office phone starts ringing and it's my sister. We never call each other during the work day. After a little chit chat, she confesses she really IS pregnant, but only about 5 weeks. I am sworn to secrecy.

Freaky, huh?

But now that's she's out of the preggo closet, I'm happy to spread the news, b/c I'm wicked excited for them. And my sister is very understanding of the whole dynamic - we're both working really hard to be supportive of each other b/c at the end of the day, we're sisters. There are times when it's been really hard, but I work through it (thank god for therapy). I've got a supportive husband and parents. And recently, I've focused less on my constant pity-party for myself and channeled more of that energy into being exciting for my sister and her husband and my future neice/nephew. (Speaking of neice/nephew: why is there no gender neutral term for child of a sibling? That's when I found nibling. It sounds a little odd, but I'm all for a movement for a gender neutral term.) Instead of focusing on loss (what I don't/can't have), focusing on possibility (a nibling!): this small attitude change has had immense help in looking at the general state of affairs with regard to my IF. But every day is different, and I take it one day at a time. I'm so pumped about being an Auntie - that's right, Auntie. I've always wanted to be referred to as Auntie ever since I was little :)

For now, here's to 100 posts and I'm sure a hundred more. Let's hope the next 100 bring Ari and I closer to our dream of being parents ourselves.

Is the chalice is half empty or half full?

Allow me to indulge in a little tarot and my inner Goddess. This past Monday I went to the Salem Red Tent Temple. I've been a few times, and a good friend of mine (let's call her Honeybee) is one of the organizers. The concept is simple: mirror the ancient practice of women gathering for their monthly cycle a la The Red Tent (a must read for every woman. A brilliant, moving, amazing work of literature). All women are welcomed, young, old, single, married, divorced, widowed, fertile, barren, red green blue or purple - you get the idea. Coinciding with the new moon each month, we sit, we lounge, we have soup, we make offerings to the Goddess*, we share stories, we cry, we laugh, we create art and meditate, nap, and support. It is a wonderful, wonderful gathering.

*Through these Red Tent Temples, I have come to terms with exploring the Divine Feminine, or Shekinah, in Judaism. At this point in my spiritual journey, I'm not looking to a Divine Masculine/Father figure: I'm looking to the Malkah Ha-Olam (Queen of the Universe). So while there's lots of Goddess talk, I'm not Pagan. I'm a Jew through and through, but I see Adonai in her feminine context right now as opposed to the more traditional Avinu Malkenu (Our Father, Our King).

There are a couple of decks of tarot cards and this week, someone brought Goddess cards. I asked my Honeybee to do a reading for me. Here's what I pulled from the Goddess Tarot deck:

While we didn't necessarily do this with the intent of a past-present-future spread, it certainly reads that way. The Princess of Swords (commonly known as the Knight of Swords) wades through the reeds, her blade ever-ready to strike. Honeybee noted how it seems as though she presents one face forward, looking rather dainty as she gathers up her skirts, but the back of her hair is disheveled, her sword drawn. In a way, it's putting forward one face while keeping a high level of defensiveness up; but she is again, ready to strike and thus able to do what she has to do to survive. My other friend, a High Priestess (let's call her HP for short), and I both noticed how much this card reminded us of the Egyptian Princess who recovers Moses from the reeds.

The second card I drew was an inverted Queen of Cups. A symbol of fertility, its inverted meaning was painfully obvious. The suit of Cups also draws heavily on emotion, and her inverted chalice represents an outpouring of emotion. HP seems to think it's not so much that I'm empty, but perhaps I've given too much of my self lately, and that perhaps I need others to fill my cup. In its normal position, the Queen looks quite stable in the tumultuous sea around her, but inverted, it's clearly a symbol of instability.

The final card I drew was Justice (VIII in the Major Arcana). In other decks, Justice is XI; typically VIII is Strength. She is represented by Athena, who as HP noted, is often associated with war and decked out in her armor. Here she is presented as the Weaver Goddess in flowing robes. Athena is actually the Goddess of Wisdom, and is a brilliant strategist. HP felt that Justice does not necessarily mean "winning" but a sense of victory all the same. What I was surprised to see was the element of water reflected in all of my cards: the Princess in the reeds, the Queen in her sea, and if you look closely, there is an aqueduct in the background of Justice. As HP noted, Athena is a strategist, so perhaps I will find solutions that I don't necessarily come to mind at first. It's a little of bit thinking outside the box. I also noted that an aqueduct has the ability to sustain whole populations and cities for generations to come. I also saw Masonic imagery with the two columns in the card image as well (Ari is a Mason).

So, to put it simply: my guard is up but I put forward an "everything is just peachy!" face, I'm an emotional wreck in a sea of infertile instability, and my sense of Justice will come through non-traditional solutions and through careful research. That's pretty spot on, I would think.

I also pulled three cards from the Goddess Oracle deck, and the first one I pulled was Artemis, pictured below:

The card represents Selfhood. I thought the image of the huntress with her hunted was quite powerful. She is bare-breasted, confident, patient. I also thought it was funny that she had her hair up (I often wear mine in a ponytail or up in a clip). She clearly has her sights set on her target, and there is an assuredness about her that she will obtain that hunt. Quite simply, I need to aim my sights on what it is that I really want out of life, and go for it.
. . .

Today it's been exactly 11 months since my last period. I have often said, over this last almost-year, that I have missed the tampons, the cramps, the bleeding. I've lost my sense of marking time. The Red Tent Temple I go to has given me back a sense of this cycle. There is power and comfort to be found in gatherings of women. I take this same philosophy back with me to the IF community: we need to share our stories, cry our tears together, laugh and celebrate together. It is vital to our survival, and ultimately, to the fundamental sisterhood we share. I could go on about this, but I recommend heading over to Sonja's blog for more on thoughts on sisterhood, community, and support.

Closing thoughts: I am reminded of an opening psalm often sung before Friday night Shabbos services:

הִנֵּה מַה טוֹב וּמַה נָּעִים שֶׁבֶת אָחִים גַּם יַחַד

Hinei ma tov u’manayim shevet akh-im gam ya-khad.

How good and pleasant it is to dwell together in unity.

To all my sisters in the IF community, and all my sisters everywhere: I hope you find peace and unity this weekend.

Shabbat Shalom.

Bitter Bettie bites back!

A follow up to my last post, Call me a Bitter Bettie.

On the Inspire.com RESOLVE boards, someone posted almost the exact same lament I had about Facebook status updates on Monday. There were 75 replies at last count to this discussion, so it's comforting to know there are a lot of folks dealing with IF who share my woes/frustrations/occasionally Bitter Bettie moments:

So... here are the four facebook statuses that my friends have on the site right now... I haven't included their real names... to protect the "innocent".
1. Julie... found out her due date - May 25th, 2010.
2. Sarah... realizes that God didn't intended pregnant women to work 40 hour weeks.
3. Samantha...'s unborn child is very squirmy in her belly today.
And finally... my favorite... the pregnancy announcement status:
4. Maddy... is expecting #2!!
Yikes!! And so I started this discussion to put up my own facebook statuses - ones that wouldn't be appropriate in the real facebook world.

Soccer... drank too many glasses of wine last night because she couldn't bear another pregnancy facebook status update.

OR

Soccer... is still NOT pregnant. Horrible needles and hormone injections didn't work. Thanks for asking.

In the replies, someone posted this link: STFU, Parents. It's comedy gold. From their description:

You used to be fun. Now you have a baby. If you're being driven crazy by your friends' baby updates every time you check your status feed, please feel free to contribute to this blog.

Miriam's Disclaimer: I'm not parent bashing, I promise. I know I'll get my turn in the sun, and will probably do all of these things that currently annoy me. But for now, I'm on the other end of the spectrum, and things look differently from this side of the fence. So to the parents out there that are reading this, please don't take offense. Poor, tasteless humor is one of my favorite ways of dealing with the crap life deals you.

Call me a Bitter Bettie.

Warning: it's about to get ranty up in here.

Firstly: Gender Reveal Parties. Are. you. shitting. me. I just can't even go any further with this.

Secondly: Facebook pregnancy announcements. Do they annoy you as much as they annoy me?

I bring this up because I recently had a childhood friend of Ari's send me a random message on FB: Hey stranger. Hope you guys are doing well. Add me as a friend. We need to catch up!

Mind you, I don't really know this person very well. It's not like I grew up with her. I can count the number of times actually seen her on one hand, easily. Is it wrong that the infertile in me immediately jumps to "Oh, she wants me to friend her so she can tell me she's pregnant"?  She was married about 6 months before Ari and I and this is the first I've heard from her since OUR wedding almost 2 years ago. It all rang fishy to me. I happened to be logged into my husband's FB account working on some fan page stuff for his new business, and saw a posting from her, almost verbatim, on his Wall. I told Ari my suspicions, and later that day, he told me that she sent him an instant message on FB and was like, "Hi! How are you? I'm pregnant!" in one sentence.

Ugh... Shallow much? I friended her, but I've hidden her on my feed, b/c really, I don't need the pregnancy play-by-play for the next however many months. What gets me more is that she wanted me to friend her for the express purpose of a) announcing her pregnancy and b) to fish for a compliment. (Edit: I have since preened my friends list and unfriended her.)

The next favorite thing to find on FB? Ultrasound photos. And 9 times out of 10, it's the u/s pic that's that actual pregnancy announcement, like this helpful article suggests you should do. Will I post tons of u/s pics online if/when I'm pregnant? Probably. In fact, I will probably do all of the stereotypical pregnant lady things, but I will have at least my IF lens to maybe, perhaps, have some degree of sensitivity to others. But for right now, it drives me nuts. I actually sigh deeply through clenched teeth when I see these kinds of announcements, thinking, "When the fuck is it going to me my turn?"

I think what's most annoying, is that these things catch us off guard. It leaves us raw and reeling in an area we think we're safe: we're checking our Farms in Farmville, offing some Russians in Mafia Wars, looking at photos of random weddings and BAM! reminders of our own shortcomings. Wasn't Facebook supposed to be a safe space? PerhapsI was just naive.

I've learned that dealing with infertility is learning the fine art of compartmentalizing one's emotions, and I think to a certain extent, keeping up one's guard a little higher than most. I've been working with my therapist to be OK with emoting when and how I need to, grieving when I need to, and being ok with laying out my terms for those closest to me. As much as it's ok for me to say no to things like baby showers, I can emotionally say no to other things, like how I hear news and updates. I've recently refiltered my blogroll as a number of courageous ladies I've followed have had incredible successes in conquering their IF. It's inspiring yes, but I find the big ugly green J(ealousy) rears its head sometimes, so I need to set aside that time and that headspace to check in on these now pregnant bloggers.

What it comes down to is realizing it's ok for me to do what I need to emotionally support myself. And this is hard, b/c I've got a bit of that mother hen/matyr complex, where I constantly provide emotionally for others and leave hardly anything for myself... and this is the one time in my life where it should really be the other way around. It's a bit of a paradigm shift for me, and I struggle with it. Maybe it's my fear of being called selfish? Maybe it's my own approval-seeking complex? Or maybe it's just the first time in my life I've just felt truly and deeply robbed of an opportunity. Regardless, I need to take care of myself, and I'll do what I gotta do, quite simply.

Another way I cope? Humor, such as my new favorite blog, 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility. Go check her out... it's a hoot.

How are other folks coping out there? How do you deal with the random comments, the FB announcements, and all those other fun blindsided reminders?

A truly restorative weekend.

The RESOLVE of the Bay State Annual Conference on Saturday was just amazing. I'm so glad Ari and I went - we did some seriously deep soul-searching, some crying (well, I did the crying), and engaged in some very cathartic dialogue with people who get it - who really understand what this crazy world of IF is all about. It was so empowering to feel that we weren't alone, and that in some ways, we were lucky (I never thought I'd use that word in this context) that I was Dx'd so young with POF. Ari and I were easily the youngest couple there; it seemed like the average age was in the mid-30s, but there were a large number of women and couples in their early-40s. There was a pretty large turnout- at least 200 people.

The keynote speaker was Dr. Ali Domar. Her address really resonated with us; she spoke to all of the textbook points about how infertility and stress go hand in hand in a vicious cycle. While I've read this myself, there's something different about a) hearing it from a leading professional in the field and b) seeing nods of validation and experience around the room. It was also reasurring to hear as IF referred to as a crisis, and how for many couples, this is their first major crisis that they've ever had to handle together. Dr. Domar supported her statements with a variety of research studies confirming the link b/t IF and stress and how they each impact each other. One particularly striking study revealed that the levels of depression and stress felt by women coping with IF is matched equally with women who are being treated for cancer. I felt like all of the mental time I've devoted to our situation is not not entirely for naught, in the sense that it's completly normal. It feels all-encompassing b/c it is all-encompassing.

For our first session, we headed to Dr. Domar's more topic focused workshop on the Mind/Body approach to treating IF. Ari and I have both been experiencing increased levels of anxiety and stress recently, and this session really provided some insight on how reigning in the stress could greatly improve our chances later on down the line once we're pursuing IVF. She presented enough compelling research that I'm seriously considering doing one of her 10-week Mind/Body programs in the near future.

Our second session was a panel discussion on Donor Egg v. Adoption. What an eye-opener! I went in very pro DE and Ari very much for adoption. By the end of it, our horizons had been broadened significantly and we've flip-flopped on our stances. For me, adoption is a 100% guarantee of coming home with a child. For Ari, DE is almost half the cost of adoption given the clinical coverage provided by MA insurance companies. It certainly got us talking.

At lunch, we met two other couples, both in their mid-30s. One couple was even from our town, and the wife seemed very on-guard. You could just tell this has been a particularly hard journey; she implied they had already completed several failed procedures. The other couple seemed relatively new to IF as well, and were researching everything about IVF. While it was nice to feel validated, lunch was awkward. In those moments of silence where all of a sudden that pasta I'm eating is just SO interesting, my head was reeling: just what IS the social etiquette of the IF face-to-face community? Is asking about diagnoses rude? Are the number of procedures none of my business? Can I ask how old you are? It was simply fascinating from a sociological/communication standpoint.

After lunch, we skipped out on the next session- we wanted to go to an Adoption Overview: Domestic v. International b/c it was one area I haven't poured tons of research into, so it would be helpful to get more info. We were just so overloaded with information we kind of needed a break. We were also torn over a silent auction item: a full donor agency package- agency fee, escrow services, legal fees (worth about $7500) for a minimum bid of $1500. All the bidder would have to pay would be the donor fee (~$8000). It would cut a DE cycle practically in half, and we thought, we can swing a bid of up to $2K if we had to. We had this very excited conversation about all of the possibilities of DE, but when we went to leave our bid, they had added that the package must be activated within 6 months. We were crushed - we're just not in a place to start anything within a year or more, much less 6 months. It spiraled into a huge conversation about Ari's new business, my present work situation - it got heavy. I felt like the whole day had been ruined.

We were redeemed in our last session, about Dealing with the Outside World. A panel of two support group leaders and a life coach led a guided conversation about coping. One woman spoke about the sense of a loss of control, which I was completely relating to in that moment after the whole silent auction debacle. One panelist recommended about taking a step back, living in the moment and being present, then waiting one month or six months and re-evaluating, but not to let that sense of lost control pull you away from life, from living in the moment.

While I didn't necessarily get the specific gem of info I was looking for, it was so cathartic to simply speak freely within a group who gets it. I got very emotional at one point while speaking, and I caught myself - it's social conformity- and the life coach and several other women were like, "Let yourself cry- it's ok! This is the safe space to do it." Afterward, such relief. While I do like my therapist, I will be seriously investigating support groups after this. Speaking of my therapist, I ran into her at the Conference at the end of the day, and got to introduce her to Ari. I was amused that she said, "It's nice to meet you, I've heard so much about you!" I'm not sure that's something anyone wants to hear from their partner's therapist ^__^

In all, it was a fantastic experience full of valuable information. It's a lot to digest at once, but I think we've come out richer and more knowledgeable on the other side. For the first time in several months, I've come out with a genuine sense of hope.

RESOLVing to move forward

So I just bought an annual household membership to RESOLVE's Bay State chapter. For $55, it's not a bad deal. Ari and I are planning to go to their Annual Conference on November 7. Since we're in a state where actively pursing any kind of family building is just not an option right now, this is probably the best way to direct my restless energies: gathering info about DE, adoption, coping, and the like. Meeting other people face to face who understand, who get it.

In joining however, it's bittersweet. I'm glad I've got organizational support, but I'm sad that I need to belong to this group at all. Mentally, I'm probably in the best place I've been so far in this whole journey. I recognize and acknowledge my continued grieving, I allow myself the fears of failure, but I give myself time to hope and get excited at possibilities for the future. I still keep a running list of names in my head. I still cringe at Facebook announcements.

But I'm ok with all of this. I've accepted it. And now it's a matter of how do I fit this into my life- do I let it define me, or do I place it into the greater context of how I live my life on a daily basis?

In other news - the new dose of Levoxyl seems to be working quite well. I'll have b/w in a few weeks to see how it's doing. Energy is up, and for the first autumn in probably close to 10 years, I don't seem to be succumbing to SAD (seasonal affective disorder). Usually, I get it bad right around Yom Kippur, and this year, not so much.

Also, I promise to post about our fantabulous trip to Japan later this week, for Mel's Show & Tell :)

You can't wave a magic wand

...and make it all okay overnight. Or in an hour, for that matter. I had a second session with my IF counselor (Dr. S) last night, and while I certainly feel better, I don't necessarily have all the answers. If anything, I'm left with more questions and pathways for dialogue with my husband.

I find myself in a position where only one of us can be truly happy right now. If we pursued donor IVF right now, we would do so at the sacrifice of Ari's readiness. If we wait and stick with our timeline (May of 2011), then we sacrifice some of my emotional stamina in the process. And unfortunately, there is no middle ground, no 50-50 compromise that satisfies both our needs and desires simultaneously. And seeing as how Ari is starting his own company in a matter of weeks, it would probably be pretty silly to blow our savings on IVF right now.

But the yearning - I like the way my counselor described it last night- the yearning is so constant. And she articulated a feeling I've had for months at this point: I see pregnancy and childbirth not so much as a necessity, or a measure of "keeping up with the Joneses." For me, these things are healing. I see them as rights to a fundamental wrong. I see a big round belly not as a competitive commodity, like another engagement ring or a wedding dress - rather, I see it as the bandage, the salve on a deep wound.

If I knew, for a fact, that in May of 2011 we'd go the IVF route and bam! it would work no problem, that 9 months from then I'd come home with a child to call our own, I think I'd be able to manage my feelings, this yearning a little bit better. I think my sense of urgency comes from the fact of NOT knowing this. Donor recruitment could take longer than expected. Blastocysts might not make it to Day 5. Emryos don't stick. I could miscarry because of my Hashi's. It is terrifying to think of all the ways this is simply not guaranteed. And when Ari gets so fixated on our timeline, it frustrates me b/c I see so many variables that could throw off the entire plan by not just a couple of months, but whole years.

For now, all I can do is manage my feelings as best as I can, and realize that yes, I am still grieving and that no it doesn't necessarily get any easier, but I have an amazing husband and a great support network of friends and family, and that perhaps, I should fill my time a little more. Dive into work a bit more. Get even more excited about our 2-week trip to Japan next week. Maybe finish that California scrapbook I started months ago. Dr. S even suggested that I should start looking around at donors or clinics. It's not like I'm setting something in stone, just researching. Getting a feel for the eventual process that we'll both engage in.

And part of me is like, hm good idea! And another part of me sees that as giving up hope, like I'm admitting defeat. Dr. S said the grieving doesn't even really kick in that hard until couples pick a donor, b/c the woman feels as though she's selecting her "replacement." I think of it like a Polaroid picture fading out - the image of a child that's half me, half Ari - fading away. And I'm just not at a place to let go of that image. All the books and advice out there says to write a letter to the child that will never be, and I'm just not at a place to do that yet. Like I said, I feel like it's giving up; I've been a fighter all my life and this is no different.

Dr. S pointed out something interesting, that kind of took me by surprise. If Ari called my bluff right now, and said, "Yes! Let's do it. Let's go ahead with everything, right now" ...would I do it? I was taken aback by this, and honestly I don't know. I think I might hem and haw for a little bit, wrestling all of the uncomfortable emotions that come with committing to a process like this, but I'd dive in. Well, that's what I tell myself. I really don't know how I'd react to that kind of calling out.

So for now, I get sad, and I let myself sit with the sadness. Pull up the iPod, put on a little Michael Giacchino LOST or UP soundtracks, maybe some Radiohead (True Love Waits and Videotape get me every time), or even a little classical. Sometimes I get very hopeful and think about the future 10 years from now, and I savor that optimism. Sometimes I get really scared, and I face those fears for as long as I can stand it at the moment: maybe a few minutes, maybe a few seconds.

I am so blessed to have a husband who gets my need for all of these emotions, and who will cry with me, smile and laugh with me, and hold me when I get scared.

I just take it all a day at a time, b/c really, I can't do any more than that right now.

Whirlwind week.

July 4th weekend was fantastic. Had friends from out of town at our place this weekend, with their adorable 10 month old in tow. Babies are exhausting! And cute, and fun, and wonderful. I particularly enjoyed seeing Ari with the baby- he's going to be a great dad someday.

Blood work this morning: thyroid workup and vitamin D levels checked. We're looking to see how this new lower dose of Levoxyl is working, and to make sure I'm not too much of a vampire and am getting enough sunlight (lol, with a little help from my liqui-gel Vitamin D tabs). Also, I might go on birth control again. That should be fun... we'll see if I get to keep my sex drive or not.

Still on WW. Gained 1.1 lbs this last week. Trying not to get discouraged by it, had a fluke weekend where we ate out a ton. Trying to remain focused on why I'm on this diet in the first place: gotta get my body healthy to have kids.

Ari has a semen analysis scheduled for next week. Fingers crossed, everything should be normal; we don't have much reason to suspect otherwise. And if there is something wrong, God help me b/c I might have a mental break at that point.

So my Dr. just called, and I need to up my thyroid medication back up to 88mcg. 75mcg isn't cutting it. Awesome, especially since I just got my 75mcg refilled... yesterday. Whatever, I have it on hand for the future.

In other news, outed myself to another friend. It's still bittersweet telling people in person. Good to let it out, but yanno, generally sucky to share that sort of news. Also, another friend just had their first child, a beautiful baby girl. When I got the picture message waiting in the airport flying out from my conference last week, I smiled, and then burst into tears. Who loves emotional roller coasters? *waves frantically* I do!

Still taking everything a day at a time. Still in that weird "we're not actively trying but we have this diagnosis looming over us" phase. Still in the Land of IF.