What IF: Two Months Later

It all started two months ago with #ProjectIF.

Two months ago to the day, I posted my What IF? video online.


What IF? A Portrait of Infertility on Vimeo.
Two months ago, I thought I would merely post on my little corner of the internet and let the blogosphere pass me by. Two months ago, I came out of the infertility closet. True, my friends and family were more than aware of who was writing this blog. Yet, I put my name, my face, my contact information to these What IFs, to a story that's told over and over and over again in the infertility community. Two months ago, I became an infertility advocate the moment I hit "record" on my digital camera. Standing here, two months later, and looking back, I marvel at the distance I've traveled in just two months' time.

I'm writing this post as part of WEGO Health's June Blog Carnival: Your Best Health Activist Moment. Click the link to read more and to find out how you can participate! This post has allowed me to explore some of the true highlights of the past two months in my health advocacy. It's hard to just pick one: so much has happened and I've been deeply affected by them all.

The first moment was when my video went viral. In just 11 days of publishing my video online, it received 10,000 plays. Currently, it has about 17,500 plays, and grows little by slowly. A lot of that initial momentum has dropped off, to be expected. That was when I realized my advocacy work was generating buzz: people were talking, tweeting, sharing.

The second moment was when I received a call from Rebecca Flick at RESOLVE's national headquarters in Washington. You often think of national organizations as nameless, faceless giants with no real person-to-person connection between Organization with a capital O and its members. All of that bias I held was erased the moment Rebecca and I began talking. RESOLVE really is here for its members, and they work tirelessly for them whether it's providing education and support or lobbying for change. The work alone to keep RESOLVE current with social media trends is exhausting enough. When Rebecca told me I had RESOLVE's full support to spread this video to the masses, this was when I was first beginning to realize that I had embarked on something much bigger than I had originally thought.

The third moment was when I was contacted by Dr. Lawrence Nelson of the NICHD. Dr. Nelson was the first resource I turned to after I was first diagnosed with premature ovarian failure: a quick Google search brought up much of his literature and even an informational video that I posted as one of my first handful of posts on this blog. Dr. Nelson has become one of the leading experts on POF/POI in the nation, and his passion to develop comprehensive and compassionate treatment for the disease is inspiring. We have since been corresponding on ways I can bring my experience with post-diagnosis coping and healing into some kind of treatment protocol for other women diagnosed with POF/POI. Apparently, I've handled my diagnosis remarkably well for a woman of only 26 at the time. In this moment, I realized that my experience mattered to other people.

The fourth moment happened right here in my own backyard after meeting with a networking group of regional infertility professionals. I made some great connections and contacts and had a chance to brainstorm ideas, raise issues, and get feedback. The real honor came when I was asked last month to apply to the RESOLVE of New England Board of Directors, of which I was unanimously voted in last Thursday. This was when I realized the possibilities ahead of me with local advocacy efforts.

But of all the moments in the past two months? My childhood best friend sending me a message on Facebook telling me she is a three-time egg donor. A work colleague of mine (who I just goof off with 90% of the time I see him) closing the door in my office and confessing that his son was a miracle after recurrent miscarriages. The blogger who reposted my video who works in the healthcare field who changed her mind about mandated infertility treatment coverage and how it really should be covered by insurance companies. The dear friend who I had no idea was having trouble conceiving a second child. A friend of mine who I'm still getting to know who pulls me aside after a gathering one night and thanks me for posting on my blog that it's okay to feel mean and jealous and spiteful of all those big round bellies that aren't hers. The long emails from strangers telling me their stories: all of their heartbreak, triumph, and waiting- finally sharing it for the first time with someone other than their partner.

Like a sudden rain across still waters, the ripples growing and colliding with one another, the water a network of waves and movement - it was these moments of personal connection that have impacted me the most in my activism. These personal connections begin lacing and crossing one another, creating a network of support, education, activism and research that grows stronger and tighter with each connection.

What a different place at which I stand two months later... and I cannot wait to see from where I stand a year from now, so see how far the ripples have spread.

Photo by Hiroyuki Takeda via Flickr.

Wordless Wednesday: Garden Snoop

Shhh! Don't tell... I'm the Garden Snoop!

Come see the rest of my garden snooping at gardensnoop.tumblr.com!

I like to take pictures of flowers and pretty plants in my travels. I don't trespass: everything is in public view. This new blog is mostly for my own amusement, but also to crowd-source plants and flowers I don't recognize, like this clematis above. (I twitpic'd it and got the answer in a matter of minutes. Ah, the power of social media.)

This brings my blog count up to three now: HWSL, Thinking Deliciously, and now, Garden Snoop.

Team RESOLVE Choice Awards: Best Infertility Blog & Book

The annual RESOLVE Night of Hope recognizes leaders making strides in the infertility fields, from doctors, nurses, and clinics to advocates, researchers, and employers. Hope Awards are given in a variety of categories, for Service, Advocacy, and Innovation, to name a few. There are also two awards voted on by the community: Best Infertility Blog and Best Infertility Book. Excerpts from each nominee in each category are available. Voting ends this Thursday, so make sure you go vote now, and spread the word via Twitter, Facebook, your own blog, and wherever else you post. It's an incredible award and I know the very deserving nominees would appreciate your votes!

The Best IF Blogs were selected from over 185 entries to Melissa Ford and RESOLVE's collaborative blog project during National Infertility Awareness Week back in April. #ProjectIF asked ALI bloggers to put their "What IFs?" of infertility out there, and then answer those questions. From those response posts, five blogs were chosen as nominees for the Best Blog category. Their What IF posts, and I have read each of them- are powerful, moving, relatable, beautiful. Do take the time to read them before you vote.

The Best IF Books were selected by nominations from the ALI community. A call from RESOLVE was put out for Best Book, and bloggers, readers, and everyone in between submitted their favorites for RESOLVE to select five nominees. Excerpts of each book are externally linked from the voting website- again, really great nominees and totally worth the read and vote. I have a couple of books now to add to my reading list this summer.

By voting, you're helping to support not only an organization that does so much for our community, but helping to recognize those leaders within that community that stand out and have made substantial contributions to the community as well.  Like submitting news to the LFCA, voting for the Team RESOLVE Choice Awards is just good karma in the ALI blogosphere.

Have I inspired you enough? Well, get out there and vote already! ^_^

Dude, it's Men's Health Week!

Spread the word about Men's Health Awareness! Do it for your brothers, your sons, your dads, your husbands, your uncles, and your best boy buds. June is Men's Health Month and this week is Men's Health Week. It happens every year the week before and including Father's Day. I wish I had prepared for this week, because I would have lined up some male-factor IF posts. I do plan to post about the elusive male point of view in the next month or so. Until then and in celebration of Men's Health Week, I'll list some great infertility resources for the men in our lives.

I've also posted an article about Five Myths of Male-Factor Infertility on Examiner.com. Check it out!

Male factor infertility is the sole cause of a couple's infertility issues in about 30% of cases. Female factor accounts for another 30%, and the rest are either unexplained or a combination of the two (source: RESOLVE.org). Infertility is not just a woman's problem, and even when the issue is female factor, it doesn't mean it's not affecting her partner. Here are some great resources that I've come across:

+ Men’s Health Week: A Time for Men to Step up to the Fertility Plate: Dr. Geoffrey Sher of the Sher Institute and puts a call to action for men facing infertility. Read the complete blog post at IVF Authority.

+ Men and Emotions: "Despite the fact that approximately 40% of infertility is attributed to male factors, it appears that men are not as willing or as able as their female partners to talk about their experience. Perhaps this is because we traditionally think of children as a woman's province." Read the rest of the article here at RESOLVE.org.

+ The Semen Analysis and the Men's Infertility Workup: What to expect from your doctor (via RESOLVE.org)

+ Psychological Issues in Male-Factor Infertility: "In general, the man’s reaction to infertility has been viewed by mental health professionals as taking less of an emotional toll than his partner’s... Little room is left for dealing with his own feelings of loss and sadness. This conforms to society’s gender expectations in which men are not given permission to express deep feelings of loss..." Read the rest at the American Fertility Association website.

+ Get Thee to a Urologist!: The title says it all (via AFA).

+ Fourth Anniversary of the Death of My Sweet Baby Boy: A brilliant resource out there for men coping with loss. The articles and entries shared on this site are a resource for men and women alike (via GrievingDads.com).

+ Making Sex Fun While Trying to Get Pregnant: Mandatory sex is no fun. About.com offer's some advice to spice it up!

+ Coping With Mother's Day and Father's Day: With Father's Day approaching, this can be a tough time of year for men and couples struggling with infertility. RESOLVE has some great advice to make it through the day.

+ Add your resource in the comments below! Blogs, articles, websites: all are welcome.

Have you been Lost and Found?

I'd like to take this time to pimp out something I feel is rather important in the ALI blogsphere: Mel's Lost and Found Connections Abound (LFCA). Think of it as a semi-daily digest of all the happenings in the ALI blogosphere: quick announcements of our joys like birthdays, and anniversaries, to our lows like loss announcements and remembrances. New blogs get their shout outs and folks who just need a little extra support for whatever reason get their love too. New projects or questions to the community are also announced. It is a phenomenal resource out there, exposing us to new blogs and journeys, allowing us to reconnect with others, and generally feeds into a greater sense of good karma.

You may notice the brown LFCA icon a little ways down on my right sidebar, "Please submit my news to the LFCA." That's because the LFCA only happens because we make it happen (and because Mel is awesome in compiling it all together). It requires the active engagement of the ALI blogosphere to not only bring the news of our peers to our peers, but to share that news and comment appropriately. Like I said, it's some seriously good karma to be a part of the LFCA.

"But why participate?" you might be asking. I'll explain why I do it with a little diversion into Judaism. In Judaism there is the concept of tzedaka (charity). I use the term charity loosely as it's not a choice, but an obligation. When I converted to Judaism, I remember scratching my head at the required donation to the synagogue as part of my formal conversion ceremony. My rabbi explained it thus: "Instead of dollars, think of it as good things. You put good things out in the Universe, you get good things back."

So why participate? Well, you have a chance to put good things out in the Universe. The LFCA only publishes about 3-4 times a week, so what I do is when I get on my Google Reader binge, if I find something appropriate that I think should be shared, I submit it. In fact, I usually open two tabs: my Reader in one and the LFCA in another so I can quickly copy and paste the info over.

I'm not posting this fishing for mentions on the LFCA, because trust me, if I want to, I'll submit my own news (and I have in the past). You can submit your own news too: don't be shy, and don't count on other folks to necessarily do it for you. If you need the support, submit your news. Worst that happens is that you and someone else submit the same news, and Mel will pick which specific blurb will go in that particular edition.

The reason I want to highlight this is because this is actually a very simple act of advocacy you can do right as you're catching up on your blogs. By supporting others, you're helping out the whole community. And if you're not "out" about your IF status, this is a great way to be able to advocate for others while still remaining anonymous (all LFCA submissions are anonymous).

Catch up on the latest edition of the LFCA here. Click here to submit your news. Not sure what to submit? News breaks down into the following categories: Miscellaneous news (questions, non-IF announcements, community projects, invite only, etc); Birthdays, anniversaries, or blogoversaries; Loss remembrances; Loss announcements; Miscellaneous support or celebrations (directing support where it is needed); Bedrest babes; Pregnancy announcements and news; Birth and adoption announcements.

Now start spreading the news and pump out good things into the Universe!

Examining Infertility

As I announced last week mostly via Twitter and Facebook, I've become Examiner.com's Boston Infertility and Miscarriage Examiner. Essentially, I write about all things IF in the Boston region... and they're paying me to do it! I'm rather excited about my first paid writing gig. While the articles may be a bit more locally focused than some of the broader things I write about here, I hope to keep the content fresh, unique, and approachable to all of my readers. One of the first things I'm planning on doing is a series of interviews with some of my recent new contacts I've made in the IF field here in Massachusetts.

I'll always keep links the latest articles on the top right sidebar, but I'll also start posting some teasers here with links to the full stories as well. So far I have two articles live: Infertility and its impact on mental health and Massachusetts Senate bill S485 impacts access to infertility treatment. If you haven't checked them out, please do! And please feel free to retweet them and share them on Facebook as well.

You may have also noticed that I've started doing these "Read More" links on my main page. In an effort to streamline the look of my blog, I realized I write... a lot. And that's a ton of dense text on the page. I figured the "Read More" hack cleans things up a bit (although it won't retroactively do it for all of my posts, so it only really works with yesterday's post). I've also started adding more pics to my posts, because, well- who doesn't like pretty pictures? I'm also learning the wonderful art of photo attribution. It's like learning APA or MLA all over again, so you may notice lots of photo credits from this point out.  It's my way of being a good web citizen.

Hope y'all don't mind the changes around here as I start refining this blog. I'll still post updates on our journey (like yesterday's lengthy and stressful post, The Game of L-if-E), philosophical and motivational musings, and like the interview series I plan to post of Examiner, I hope to bring the same kind of current news and trends in the IF world as well to all of you here at this blog. This all relates to my bigger mission of continuing to be an advocate for infertility awareness as I advocate away through a variety of channels. The more ways I can spread awareness, the better.

(Photo by Erik Stabile via Flickr.)

Women's Health Matters: Period.

Sit tight: this post is a doozy.

I'm a Vagina Warrior.

I realize this is quite a startling way to begin my post, but being a Vagina Warrior drives me, it shapes the way I look at the world, and fuels my passion for women's health advocacy. What exactly is a Vagina Warrior? Well, it stems Eve Ensler's The Vagina Monologues; I performed in five productions of the show throughout college and two years after I graduated at the first college where I worked. The mission of the V-Day movement is near and dear to my heart, and a Vagina Warrior is someone who fights for women, women's rights both home and abroad, and for the safety and health of women and girls everywhere. My work in health advocacy, particularly around infertility, is how I assign my Warrior status (and when I say Warrior, think dorky Xena sporting Old Navy rather than leather-plated skirt).

So I've got three things my inner Vagina Warrior wants to cover in this post, all related to our periods: Tampons. The Red Tent. Project Vital Sign. Sound interesting? Read on.

So I was thrilled when I saw the new Kotex U commercials:

I am in no way being compensated for this. This was too damn awesome not to share.

Thank you, Kotex, for keepin' it real. I haven't had a "real" period in months, technically years if you count that fact that while on birth control, it's not an actual period as a result of ovulation, rather, it's withdrawal bleeding from a drop in hormones. I'm still experiencing breakthrough bleeding on my HRT (the pill), and I had to use a tampon for the first time in over a year last month. I stared at it like, "You want that to go where?" amazed at how quickly I had forgotten all about this strange feminine product. So when I saw this commercial I appreciated that it wasn't trying to sell me this flowered up idea but was like, "Hey. Hey you, you with the XX chromosomes. You're of menstruating age and you need a practical solution to your monthly biological phenomenon. Here, have a tampon." 

I appreciate Kotex's candor, because women don't like to talk about our periods. It's something society doesn't talk about... like infertility. (Funny how women's problems are marginalized into silence.) Which brings me to my next Vagina Warrior subject: the Red Tent Temple Movement and the forthcoming documentary: Things We Don't Talk About. 

 Anita Diamant's The Red Tent is an inspiring fictional retelling of the story of Dinah, Jacob's only named daughter in the Bible. The Red Tent was where the women of Jacob's tribe gathered for their monthly cycles, for births, miscarriages, and shared sisterhood. (If you haven't read it, go do that this summer. And keep a box of tissues handy when you do.) 

ALisa Starkweather has taken the fundamental ideas of The Red Tent and translated them into a movement of women gathering in sacred spaces to share in each other's sisterhood. Our temples are bedecked in red fabrics and welcome to women of all ages, menstruating or otherwise; the Red Tent Temple Movement is about restoring women's dialogue and celebrating the feminine life experience. The Red Tent Temple has allowed me to restore what I felt was lost- my sense of monthly cycles. While I may not bleed every month, I gather with my friends, my sisters near each new moon at the Salem RTT, and that sense of womanly rhythm has returned to my life. Isadora Leidenfrost will be exploring this movement in her forthcoming film, Things We Don't Talk About: Healing Narratives from the Red Tent. I get the sense that this is going to be an important film, and wanted to put this on folks' radars.

Still with me as I talk about all these "woman" problems? You are? Great. Because my biggest problem is calling Aunt Flo a problem. She should be a welcome guest, not a nuisance! CNN recently published an  article online about women's attitudes toward their periods. The article is (fairly) balanced, but the thing that got me was the general tone that "Ewww! Periods are icky and gross and cumbersome." (Yes, I know for some women, they dread their period: heavy flows, debilitating cramps, nausea, and worse.) It was the title that got me: Periods - who needs them anyway?

Who needs periods? Every woman does, that's who! This leads me to my third and final soapbox moment of this post: Project Vital Sign. Sponsored by Rachel's Well, a non-profit women's health organization, Project Vital Sign is working to create a national movement for educators and health professionals to recognize menstruation is just as much of a vital sign as heart rate, blood pressure, or temperature.

Allow me this divergence... I'm still reconciling my feelings on hormonal birth control pills. On one hand, it kept my ovarian cysts at bay all throughout college, after I had already lost an ovary to a torsioned cyst. On the other, it masked my POI for what could have been years. Now they replace the hormones my body cannot produce naturally. I've had this weird give-take relationship with hormonal birth control, so I'm still not sure where my allegiance lies. The point of this brief divergence is to say that eliminating our periods or masking them is a dangerous game, as we lose a basic sign of our reproductive health. My personal thoughts on birth control aside...

Our periods give us a clear picture of our reproductive health and even our overall health. The fact that the media and society paint our periods as nuisance, gross or insignificant is infuriating: it sends the message that we should do away with them entirely, reinforcing broader social constructs of shame, embarrassment, and silence surrounding women's health issues. I know I'm not going to change society, but I'll be damned if I don't try. And look, don't take my word for it (cue Reading Rainbow music) - Dr. Lawrence Nelson at the NIH/NICHD agrees in a recent piece on NPR:

"There's this disconnect," says Nelson. "The menstrual cycle is just seen more as a nuisance by many women. But actually, [when periods are regular] it's the sign that the ovaries and the whole endocrine system related to reproduction is working the way it should."

My points, after this whole long, ranting post?

Love your period. 

Celebrate your womanhood. 

Advocate for women's health issues.

Because women's health matters. Period.

Calling All Bay State IF Bloggers!

Do you live in Massachusetts?

Are you living with infertility or have struggled with infertility in the past?

Do you blog?

I am looking for you!

I'm working to create a network of Massachusetts-based infertility bloggers. We are extraordinarily lucky to live in a state with comprehensive mandated IF coverage, and while we lead the nation in terms of what's mandated, it's not perfect. This is where I'm hoping that our collective voices can help make important changes to the current mandate parameters regarding infertility.

If you are a Massachusetts-based infertility blogger, please take a moment to fill out this form. I'm in the data-gathering process right now. The information will be sent directly to me and shared with no one else at this point. In the future, I'd like to be able to share this network with RESOLVE of the Bay State, the media, and legislators. You can opt out of sharing any or all of your information on the linked form. I know IF is one of those rather personal things you might not want out there: I know not everyone is in a position to be as "out" as I am, and I totally respect that.

Please feel free to tweet this, repost this to your own blogs, Facebook, or message boards. The more places I can get this post out there, the greater the chances of building up this network!

I'm a Person With Passion!

I am honored to be featured today as a Person With Passion at Lisa Marsh's blog, Your Great Life. Lisa and I have been in touch since NIAW and she inspired me to write a post about Transforming from Patient to Advocate for her blog.

Lisa is a Circle+Bloom Fertility Coach, based out of the UK. Stop by her website to find out more about her work and to see how she can help you in your journeys. Lisa has a lot of great posts on her blog, so do peruse her page! You can follow her on Twitter @yourgreatlife.

Decisions and Definitions

I've been rather existential this week, from contemplating motherhood to ruminating on the value and purpose of human existence. I tend to get a little introspective in the weeks leading up to my birthday. I have never been a fan of my birthday. It's always overshadowed by Memorial Day here in the States, so trying to do any kind of getaway for my birthday is a wash. Peak season prices go into effect. Everyone is on the road. No one wants to come to parties because they've made plans for the holiday weekend.

This year, my birthday is on the same day of the week I was born: Tuesday, May 25. I'm excited by that, rather than the birthday itself. I like patterns and repetition.

But I digress.

In this time of redefining myself, I was drawn to an article in January's issue of Wired magazine. There was a brilliant statement about a woman who, with a significantly increased risk of both ovarian and breast cancers, chose to have both a complete hystorectomy/oopherectomy as well as a double mastectomy. A mother of two, she endured these radically preventative measures as the result of thoroughly weighing her options. She utilized the process of a decision tree, something which the Wired article goes into more depth. The statement that stood out for me the most:

For Smieja, the decision was traumatic to navigate. But ultimately it came down to her desire to reduce her risk through all available means. That meant waiting a few months to wean her baby, then having the procedures. “I’m done with that decision,” she says. “This is what I need to do. I need to be around for my kids. I am not my ovaries. I am not my breasts.”

In a truly physical way, Smieja redefines herself. An inspiration, a pause for reflection. A moment to simply appreciate.

What does your decision tree look like in your infertility journey?

Moms in Six Words

Grown in My Heart presents their Mother's Day Adoption Carnival - The project is simple. In honor of Mother's Day, post a picture of your Mom(s) (however you define it) and write a six-word memoir about her/them. For more info and to see the other blogs in the carnival, check out the link above. I don't want to say much else other than to let these pictures and words speak for themselves.

I love you, Mom. Happy Mother's Day.

In her eyes, I'm always beautiful.

"In-law" has never applied.

Sister, worry not: you'll be amazing.

ICLW May Be Over, But NIAW is in Full Swing!

I did it. 170 blogs (3 went down since the list went up). 170 comments in 7 days. I made my first Iron Commenter! I have found so many new blogs to follow- check my right sidebar to who I've added. I've found a ton of adoption blogs- check out my left sidebar just to see all the adoption bloggers I'm following. But most of all, I've met and made connections with so many people. The experience of making these connections is just amazing. Iron Commenter is indeed not for the faint of heart, but it is worth it, so worth it.

Like the post title says, ICLW may be over at midnight tonight, but that doesn't mean the comments have to stop. This has definitely kicked my butt into being a better active partipant in the ALI blogosphere. The sheer value in the connections I've made will only last if I keep up my end: reading, commenting, sharing stories.

Just because ICLW is over doesn't mean that NIAW is even close to being done! There's a lot happening on Capitol Hill right now. Melissa Ford of Stirrup Queens has posted her remarks she gave this morning at the infertility briefing on the Hill. They are powerful and inspiring. They remind me of why it is that I'm out and outspoken about my IF: because we need the government to act! She's there today with the executive leadership of RESOLVE. I hope they're making waves.

What else can you do to raise awareness? You can tweet about it, Facebook it, blog about it... make sure you Stumbleupon and Kirtsy and Digg and Reddit your links too! You can be out and outspoken about your infertility. Like Iron Commenter, it's not for the faint of heart, but damn if it doesn't feel good. "But what IF I'm too nervous about outing myself?" you ask? Well, here, let me do it for you. Use me as your stand-in, and share my What IF? A Portrait of Infertility video. Just spread it with words like "Because 1 in 8 is someone you know. This video is about a very important cause." And then leave it at that. *wipes hands* See? Infertility activism and advocacy is easy.

Other ways to raise awareness? Check out all of the blogs participating in #ProjectIF. Retweet @resolveorg or follow them on Twitter. Use hashtag #infertility in your tweets. Link to other bloggers on your blog, or even better yet- on your Facebook.

There's still 4 days left, including today, to raise awareness for National Infertility Awareness Week. Take just a few minutes each day and keep the awareness going!

From Words to Voices to Faces: Researching Adoption

We've got lots of questions about adoption. The internet, the blogs, the two books we're reading- they've got answers. For Ari and I, it's getting a little overwhelming, not going to lie. Unfortunately, we can't really move forward yet until two things are figured out: 1) my job and 2) our housing. My job and housing come as a package deal, and there's some rather vague, amorphous changes happening to my job this summer that may or may not leave us with housing. *uncomfortable laugh* ha ha ha ha... I'm hoping I get some answers soon because if they do yank my housing (in lieu of a higher salary and better position title), um, we need to find a place to live.

Right, so anywho. Back to adoption. We're reading books, trolling teh intarwebs, readin' the blogs, and boy howdy, it's a lot. So we've got two things up at the pass for us to hopefully make digesting this whole adoption thing a little bit easier. At 4pm today, I'm participating in the Adoption Info Teleseminar via RESOLVE, as part of their free teleseminars this week for National Infertility Awareness Week. (Sidebar: RESOVLE's got a brand-spankin-new website and it looks AWESOME.) And on June 12, we're going to an Adoption Conference sponsored by RESOLVE of the Bay State, our local chapter. We've been to their Annual Conference, so we expect the same high caliber, in-depth material. We're really looking forward to it. I hope to blog here about my experience with the teleseminar tonight or tomorrow morning.

Other updates...

- Still pressing on with my #ProjectIF entry. No details on what I'm doing yet, but man oh man I can't wait to post it when I'm finished.
- As a result, ICLW Iron Commenter status has stalled a little bit. Trying to pick up some comment time when I can today.
- Am really proud of the healthy choices I made while out to dinner last night. I had yakisoba with veggies, suzuki sashimi (sea bass) instead of nigiri b/c I didn't want the rice since I was having noodles, and daifuku (mochi with ice cream) instead of the giant bowl of fried ice cream. Also, Boston's Chinatown is one cool place.

Gotta run... lots of work on #ProjectIF today. Are you participating?

Calling All Adoption Bloggers!

Ari and I just keep getting more and more excited the more we think about adopting. In fact, we're downright giddy. We are also c l u e l e s s. Right now we're reading the two books below- Ari's reading the first one, I'm reading the second one. We'll swap when we're done.

I'm enjoying the Idiot's Guide; it's a great overview. But I am always desperate for more material. I've been trolling the Adoption Blogroll over at Stirrup Queens, but I'm looking to connect with other bloggers who are in the initial, pre-home study stages of their adoption process or at the very least, those who have not yet been matched or finalized.

So I'm putting the call out there, because I trust this community more than I trust Google:

What adoption blogs should I be reading and following?

Also what websites, books, videos, YouTube channels, etc. should I be looking out for?

Which resources should I stay away from?

Thank you in advance, oh wonderful and resourceful and connected ALI community!

#ProjectIF

I've had the button up on the right since my site redesign, but I wanted to make sure I blasted this out as a post, too. Mel over at Stirrup Queens is collaborating with RESOLVE for a truly unique online event in conjunction with National Infertility Awareness Week, April 24 - May 1, 2010.

Phase One of the project is currently live on her site. Click the button to the right to be taken there for all the details. Essentially, leave a comment to Mel's blog post asking the question "What IF..." and then fill in the rest from there, relating it to infertility. Mel will select 10 "What IF" questions to be used in Phase Two of the project. Phase Two will begin next week, which is currently a mystery... I'm excited to find out what the next phase is.

I gotta warn you: reading through the 300+ comments and even more What IF questions already posted, it is extremely humbling and moving. Tissues are a must.

This is a pretty amazing project to be a part of, so spread the word, via your blog or Twitter, with hashtag term #ProjectIF. There's still two days left to join in on Phase One, so if you haven't submitted your What IF's yet, get 'em in now!

Baubo, The Belly Laugh, and Spring Awakenings

It's been officially spring for a couple of weeks and I've been loving this warm weather across much of MA this week. It's been nearly three years since Ari and I moved to Boston, and these New England winters have made me appreciate the first signs of spring that much more so. I've been doing a lot of reading and a lot of thinking lately... I've felt as though I'm poised on the edge of decision-making with regards to family building, and I think I'm just about there. In these last couple of days of Passover, I've also been drawn closer to my faith. It's a holy season for everyone, really. Whether it's the pull of faith or perhaps the buzzing of the birds and the bees this time of year, there is certainly this feeling of energy, this vibrational hum pulsing just beneath the surface of things. Perhaps it's merely our skin delighting in all that sunshine, turning light into some much needed vitamin D.

I just finished Ellen Frankel's The Five Books of Miriam. This is a must-read for any Jewish woman (just short of Anita Diamant's The Red Tent- in fact, I call that required reading for every woman, Jewish or otherwise). It bills itself as a woman's commentary on the Torah. With it's highly conversational structure not unlike you might find in the margins of Torah midrashim, it is both feminist and traditional, forging new patterns of thought and interpretation while contextualizing the Torah into a feminist modernity from the lenses of our daughters, mothers, bubbes, and the women prophets and stars of the Bible itself. It is an incredibly empowering read for any Jewish woman coping with infertility, as it speaks so beautifully and painfully honest from the perspectives of so many barren Matriarchs.

In this rather empowered mindset, as I tap into that spring hum that seems to be buzzing all around me, I am reminded of a story that my dear friend Honeybee shared at one of the Red Tent Temples from a few months back. It's the legend of Baubo, a little known tale in the greater story of Demetre and her daughter Persephone's dark descent into Hades.

Demetre, the Greek goddess of the harvest and fertility of the soil, had a daughter, Persephone, who was wickedly abducted by Hades, the Lord of the Underworld. He tricks Persephone into eating the seeds of a pomegranate, and by consuming any food or drink while in the Underworld, she has sealed her fate for eternity: she may never leave. Demetre is understandably distraught, in fact, so much so, her grief plunges her into a dark, cold despair. She retreats from the World: the earth cannot bear crops, the land stricken with barrenness as she grieves the loss of her precious Persephone.

So much of Demetre's pain resonates within the ALI community.

Enter Baubo: descriptions vary from a woman with voluminous skirts to a talking vulva. Baubo sits in front of Demetre and lifts her skirts before her, telling raucous, bawdy jokes, inspiring a fountain of joy in the form of the deepest belly laugh, from our solar plexus and radiating outward. Baubo is the only one who ends Demetre's grieving, whose tears dry and face contorts into laughter. Through her bawdy jokes and brazen presentation, Baubo encourages Demetre to return to the World and to once again bear fertile fields. Baubo gives Demetre the courage to recover, to move on, to find joy and laughter in life again. And with that, the World awakens from the darkest Winter into the first Spring.

What can we in the ALI community learn from the legend of Baubo?

That after darkness, after pain, after loss: there is joy again. That we must encourage ourselves to laugh fully and completely, to laugh from the bottoms of our bellies, and by laughing we truly live in the moment. Even in our journeys to parenthood frought with worries, needles, tests, inconsiderate remarks and daily reminders of our struggles: there is still laughter to be found- there will always be a Spring to follow the Winter.

I have been feeling my own Spring Awakening as our path to family building comes into focus, and I wanted to share this energy, this inspiration: to laugh, to give ourselves permission to laugh, to feel joy, and to live in the moment. Here are some places I'd like to point folks in their IF journey, to take a moment to pause and laugh a deep belly laugh with Baubo herself:

Infertile Naomi is finding 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility. In addition to her blog, she has a Facebook page of the same name. Always hilarious, painfully honest - she is worth a read when you need to laugh at the absurdity of IF.

In the same vein as Infertile Naomi's blog, there's the YouTube video "Aunt Jane Knows More Than My RE."

WiseGuy over at Woman Anyone? is now on CD2 after "Agendy Fugnimimi" showed up. Always an interesting read, WiseGuy has a myriad of names she calls our dear Aunt Flo. Her post reminded me of a site I stumbled upon with a list of international phrases for good ol' AF - I make no vouchers if these are in fact true colloquialisms, but they are hilarious just the same.

And I always recommend People of Walmart when you need to feel better about yourself. Ok, so maybe it's not exactly politically correct to laugh at others' expense to feel better about yourself, but at least click over and check out the hilarity. Other photo blogs good for a laugh: This is Why You're Fat, LATFH (nsfw), Awkward Family Photos, Cake Wrecks, and Lamebook (occasionally nsfw). Honorable mention, for all you LOST fans: Never Seen Lost, a blog recapping each episode of Season 6 by someone who's never watched a second of the show prior to this season.

The moral of today's post: take a moment to pause and laugh, to laugh so hard and so deep from within your belly and womb that your tears are out of joy, of being fully in the moment. Let Spring awaken within each of you.

"At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities." 

~ Jean Houston

Busted Plumbing's Infertility Blog Hop

Kate over at Busted Plumbing is hosting an Infertility Blog Hop. It's a great opportunity to find new blogs and bring a little exposure to your own as well. Check out her post here for more details and have fun finding new blogs to read and support!




Hop on over and check it out- I'm blog hopping this weekend, are you?

Blog Award from Sonja!

As promised, here's the blog award I received from Sonja over at The Mud and the Lotus. Thanks Sonja :) She's awesome, and her recently redesigned and retitled blog looks fab, so pop on over and say hello!

10 Things About Me:

1. I have a handful of trademark photos I take every time I have a camera in my hands: macro shots, interesting shadows, looking up through trees, anything with patterns, long angled perspectives, and playing with off-centering/cropping. I take macro shots of everything.
2. I appeared on Good Morning America with my second grade class, literally saying "Good morning, America!" as the lead in to one of their random segments. We still have it on Betamax. That's right- Betamax!
3. I absolutely love playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. I'm level 37(? I think?) and my weapon of choice is the Scar-H.
4. I love shopping at farmers' markets in the summer, and creating all sorts of seasonal dishes on the fly.
5. I eat my cereal dry, but will have a glass of milk with it. I just don't like mushy cereal, but I do appreciate the taste combination of milk and cereal together.
6. I say the V'ahavta during every takeoff, and repeat it over and over from the moment we start taxiing until wheels have left the ground.
7. My favorite football team is the Washington Redskins, and my favorite player is Clinton Portis. Even though Mark Brunell hasn't been on the team in years, I still find reasons to make fun of him when I watch a Skins game.
8. I love reading very quirky non-fiction, such as Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers, Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex, The Ten Most Beautiful Experiments, Kitchen Confidential. I also love quirky documentaries like Beer Wars, King of Kong, Helvetica, Contstantine's Sword. With the aid of these lovely context clues, you should be able to derive I am a huge dork.
9. I am paralyzingly terrified of jellyfish when I go in the ocean. I think they're cool looking and fascinating, but the idea of being stung by one freaks me out so much.
10. I am a terrible baker, but I make a mean tomato sauce and can cook fish to perfection. The only baked good I can make really well are sugar cookies, I think b/c it's simply the easiest cookie recipe ever. Also, I make amazing pancakes.

And now, I'm giving this award to the following 10 bloggers, in no particular order:

1. In Due Time
2. Elana at Elana's Musings
3. Wiseguy over at Woman Anyone?
4. IF Optimist, then...
5. Bella & Her Fella -(she's got new protected digs over at WordPress)
6. Hillary at Making Me Mom
7. An Unwanted Path
8. Pour Away the Ocean (formerly, Infertility Rocks!)
9. Body Diaries by Lucy
10. Hope at A Chance Worth Taking

You like me... you really like me!

So, I went into a bit of hibernation and, like the awakening season around me, I am slowly coming out of it. I need to catch up on most of blogs I follow, and am slowly marking a return to posting regularly. In coming out of hibernation, I vanity searched this blog title on Google, and boy howdy, people have been talking about it!

I've been awarded another blog award by Sonja over at The Mud and the Lotus. Thanks Sonja! Not like I'm only almost 2 months late realizing I've received this award or anything :) Seriously though, thanks bunches. Award post to follow in a few days.

I've also been named one of the 101 Best ALI (Adoption, Loss, and Infertility) Blogs over at Grown in My Heart, an online adoption network. This blog is only one of 10 listed in the specific Infertility category- I've been named alongside some biggies like Melissa over at Stirrup Queens and Pamela at Silent Sorority. I'm totally flattered, honored, and humbled.

I was also inspired to write this post b/c I've been approached by a website called Wellsphere to become one of their Featured Health Bloggers. I've never heard of Wellsphere before, and I'm hesitant to do so without knowing much about them. Anyone out there work with them or signed up to be one of their featured bloggers?

I guess I'm just always surprised when people like a) my writing or b) anything I do (graphic design, vocal music, crafts, photography, etc.). I've never taken compliments well - I put my heart into stuff because I like to do it, not because I'm fishing for praise, so when I do, I always get real bashful, real fast. But I've had a lot of people tell me I apparently write quite well, and I'm left to wonder if I shouldn't be working on something more formal, like a book, or a more dedicated website. I dunno. It's tempting, to say the least.

So I'll wrap this up by saying a huge thank you to my readers and followers - my blog's popularity is only increased by your praise and spreading my name out there. I started this blog because I was simply overwhelmed with emotion: it began as a cathartic- if public yet anonymous- means of coping. I have remained anonymous mostly out of consideration for my husband; he's got a pretty big online presence and I don't want to compete, let alone have this somehow attached to his already established professional presence- and I'm totally okay with that. I continue to exist because I know that there are people who really do care about what I have to say, who are invested in the crazy ups and downs of our journey through infertility. And ultimately, I keep on writing because I hope I can help someone else out there, even just one person- to put the information out there that I wished was there when I entered the Land of IF just a year ago tomorrow.

Thanks readers, for giving me strength, hope, and the courage to keep on writing about what's important.

Women and Falling Fertility: ABC News Article

Women and Falling Fertility: Women Lose 90 Percent of Eggs by Age 30 - ABC News

Saw this lined at Fark.com, of all places. The article is interesting. The comment thread, like any comment thread on Fark, is a disaster. Still, premature ovarian failure is a fairly uncommon diagnosis... but it makes sense why some women, if not born with enough eggs, would run out much faster. Average age of Dx for POF is 27. Go fig.