I managed to fail a breast exam today. My doctor's words, not mine. He says I can't be pregnant b/c I "failed my breast exam." I assume that since I had a mildly bemused "that tickles" expression on my face as opposed to clawing at his face while he did my breast exam means I failed. My urine sample also came up BFN... for now.
Lots of bloodwork, measuring lots of hormones. A pelvic exam that revealed I've definitely got something on my right ovary. Doc thinks it might actually be a cyst. I have an ultrasound first thing in the morning to confirm.
I'm fucking amazed. My doc is a little bit too.
For POF, there are two scenarios: 1) My ovary is like a carton full of bad eggs; or 2) My ovary is wearing earmuffs and can't hear my pituitary gland screaming at it to do stuff; or, a combination of the two. My doc thinks I might fall into the second category, and that for whatever, the shit ton of FSH I pumped out managed to find one good receptor that's not being blocked by anti-ovarian antibodies and that maybe, just maybe, it made one good follicle produce an egg this cycle. And the corpus luteum is what's created the cyst that's causing me pain on my right ovary.
Given all of my symptoms and what he felt during my pelvic exam, my doc says he's fairly confident that I've ovulated this month. So, if Ari and I timed it right, this could have worked. I have about a 1 in 3 chance, according to my doc, that we could be pregnant. I'll take those odds over the original 6-8% chance I could ever get pregnant on my own I was originally given.
He's strongly encouraging me to get on birth control for about 6 months, stop abruptly, and then see if I ovulate again. Seeing as how I need to be on HRT anyway, it kind of kills two birds with one stone. I need to see what's up with my blood test results, pap smear, and ultrasound tomorrow, but I think I'll probably wait things out and see if I can get my body to do this naturally again. My doc cautioned that it's as likely I could ovulate next month as much as this could have been my own cycle for 2010. It's a toss up. But, as my doc put it, it's the first good news I've had in almost a year.
So in a weird way, I'm kind of in a 2ww. For the first time in 14 months, I'm waiting for my period.
Weird. And... amazing, encouraging, exciting.... hopeful.
Showing posts with label Doctor's Visits. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Doctor's Visits. Show all posts
February 1, 2010
Bingo cards and holding out hope.
A cryptic blog post, yes. Allow me to explain...
Ari got a call from a close friend of ours from grad school about some theatre related things, as these boys love to talk about. Surprise surprise, in the middle of the conversation, we found out they're due in April, first baby for them. We are of course, super excited and wonderfully happy for them. And like all happy announcements, it's only logical that I stand in the shower crying.
You know how it is to be infertile.
It's like a Pavlovian response: pg/birth announcement ding! I'm crying in a corner somewhere. Drives me nuts. Not the announcement, but my reaction. I will of course put on a happy face, b/c, well, I am happy for them. But if I'm at home and reading it on FB or getting a phone call, inevitably, 5 minutes later, I'm a mess for a good 15 minutes and then my mood is killed for the day. Case in point, yesterday.
So why the bingo card? I teased with Ari last night we should make a bingo card of all our coupled friends and stamp them as ppl announce they're pregnant. I have no idea what the prize would be, but that's kind of what it feels like. I'm totally in that mostly married late 20's group where everyone's poppin' out babies. It's both awesome and awful. B/c, I love me some babies. It's that whole leading up to baby where all of the attention is on said couple that's the hard part. That sounds profoundly selfish when I type it, but it is what it is and I own those emotions. It's just that unspoken reminder of failure. Of loss. Of emptiness, barrenness, of holy shit I never knew I could be this jealous a woman-ness.
That random announcement definitely messed with my mood, compounding with some continued bizarre PMS-like weirdness. I've felt PMS-y since mid-January - bloating, cramps coming and going, tender boobs, and being generally crazy emotionally. I noted that my estradiol was elevated somewhat in my last round of blood work, so it seemed natural. But today is day 5 of random and persistent ovarian pain, around my right (and remaining) ovary. At first it just felt like regular cramps, but for the last 4 days it's been hovering in the 3-4 range on a pain scale of 1 to 10, and yesterday moved into the 4-5 range. It is highly likely I've got a cyst.
And that would be fucking AWESOME.
Why? Why would I be happy about a cyst?
B/c it means my ovary tried to pop out an egg! On its own! Nevermind that it got fucked up and might have made a cyst, but it maybe made an egg! This is like a freakin' miracle for a woman with POF.
Worst case scenario: it's a tumor. Why do I jump to that? That's what happened to my left ovary. (In fact, that's how I lost my left ovary.) Other worst case scenario: ectopic pregnancy. Highly unlikely though, given my gradual symptoms, and no other symptoms of early pregnancy. Best case: I'm knocked up. (Ha! Fool's hope.) What's most likely: ovarian cyst of some kind.
Either way, I hope I'll know more by this afternoon- I was able to get an urgent appointment with my GYN today at 2:30. Fingers crossed it's a cyst.
This is me, holding out hope for a cyst.
Ari got a call from a close friend of ours from grad school about some theatre related things, as these boys love to talk about. Surprise surprise, in the middle of the conversation, we found out they're due in April, first baby for them. We are of course, super excited and wonderfully happy for them. And like all happy announcements, it's only logical that I stand in the shower crying.
You know how it is to be infertile.
It's like a Pavlovian response: pg/birth announcement ding! I'm crying in a corner somewhere. Drives me nuts. Not the announcement, but my reaction. I will of course put on a happy face, b/c, well, I am happy for them. But if I'm at home and reading it on FB or getting a phone call, inevitably, 5 minutes later, I'm a mess for a good 15 minutes and then my mood is killed for the day. Case in point, yesterday.
So why the bingo card? I teased with Ari last night we should make a bingo card of all our coupled friends and stamp them as ppl announce they're pregnant. I have no idea what the prize would be, but that's kind of what it feels like. I'm totally in that mostly married late 20's group where everyone's poppin' out babies. It's both awesome and awful. B/c, I love me some babies. It's that whole leading up to baby where all of the attention is on said couple that's the hard part. That sounds profoundly selfish when I type it, but it is what it is and I own those emotions. It's just that unspoken reminder of failure. Of loss. Of emptiness, barrenness, of holy shit I never knew I could be this jealous a woman-ness.
That random announcement definitely messed with my mood, compounding with some continued bizarre PMS-like weirdness. I've felt PMS-y since mid-January - bloating, cramps coming and going, tender boobs, and being generally crazy emotionally. I noted that my estradiol was elevated somewhat in my last round of blood work, so it seemed natural. But today is day 5 of random and persistent ovarian pain, around my right (and remaining) ovary. At first it just felt like regular cramps, but for the last 4 days it's been hovering in the 3-4 range on a pain scale of 1 to 10, and yesterday moved into the 4-5 range. It is highly likely I've got a cyst.
And that would be fucking AWESOME.
Why? Why would I be happy about a cyst?
B/c it means my ovary tried to pop out an egg! On its own! Nevermind that it got fucked up and might have made a cyst, but it maybe made an egg! This is like a freakin' miracle for a woman with POF.
Worst case scenario: it's a tumor. Why do I jump to that? That's what happened to my left ovary. (In fact, that's how I lost my left ovary.) Other worst case scenario: ectopic pregnancy. Highly unlikely though, given my gradual symptoms, and no other symptoms of early pregnancy. Best case: I'm knocked up. (Ha! Fool's hope.) What's most likely: ovarian cyst of some kind.
Either way, I hope I'll know more by this afternoon- I was able to get an urgent appointment with my GYN today at 2:30. Fingers crossed it's a cyst.
This is me, holding out hope for a cyst.
January 21, 2010
What the hell happned to January?
This happens every year. I work in higher ed, so January just vanishes. November is also notorious for just disappearing. Work has been crazy. I hate my job, I hate the people I work with... it's just a challenge to get out of bed every morning, which is extra hard when you live where you work. What's worse is I hate the field I'm in now, and I don't really know what else to be when I grow up.
Things occupying my time as of late: work. More work. Here, have a few extra hours of work tonight. Cooking, cleaning, and watching epic amounts of LOST. I'm 3/4's of the way through Season 3. Thank goodness seasons 4 & 5 are shorter. Final season premiere in less than 2 weeks. I'm so excited I could just piddle.
Latest round of bloodwork has come back. TSH is up to1.06 from 0.029 just 4 weeks ago. Free T3 is still steadily climbing. No clue if this is good or bad. Free T4 still rocking out in normal town. I am most excited about the TSH. I basically told my doctor I wasn't upping my dose (which he recommended at the end of December). I stayed on the 125 of Le.voxyl and it seems my body just needed more time to adjust to the dose. Symptomatically, I'm feeling pretty darn good.
Here's the most interesting lab that came back: my estradiol is up from 20 to 27. This is interesting b/c in the last 2 weeks, up until about 2 days ago, my boobs were sore, I've been crazy moody, and holy shit - my libido came back to nigh high school and college levels, much to Ari's happiness. I've also had intermittent discomfort in my right ovary region. It lasted about 2 days, on and off. There's a chance I could have some kind of cyst.
Or maybe *strokes imaginary beard inquisitively*... maybe the Big O happened?
...
Ahahahaha! Man, that would be crazy. Theoretically, my estradiol was in the right range, as was my LH, but my FSH is through the freakin roof (63! Highest yet, I believe.)
But we didn't take any chances, and course corrected appropriately (refer to the libido comment above.) Things I am promising myself right the hell now: no pee sticks, unless I'm hurling chunks for a few days in a row. Who knows what's going on down there. It's weird to feel all PMS-y again. I haven't really had PMS in a year... actually, about this time almost exactly a year ago. Huge PMS buildup and then... nothing. This moodiness has taken me by surprise really- I've forgotten how weird it feels. I'm bitchy, emotional, bloated... I lament about missing it for over a year and then forgot just how icky the whole menstrual cycle can be sometimes.
Maybe this is just my ovary's way of saying, "Happy New Year!" before flipping me off every time I think about trying to have my own children.
And if I really do actually get a period- a for reals, honest to goodness, no this isn't withdrawal bleeding from being the on the pill period- I'll be devastated. That could have been THE last egg.
Or maybe... maybe there's a fucking chance. Maybe my body is slowly recovering itself, having a lil Bionic Woman peptalk between thyroid and ovary, saying things like, "We can rebuild her."
Next time I meet with the doc I'll make sure to get an u/s done, just to check for cysts. It's been 6 months since my last u/s, which came back normal. But for now, I'm going to ride out these PMS-like symptoms and see where they're taking me. I hope they're takin' me to Mom Town, or at least Holy Shit You're Ovulating Ville, by way of This Would Be a Fucking Miracle Airways.
For now, I'm just flyin' standby.
Things occupying my time as of late: work. More work. Here, have a few extra hours of work tonight. Cooking, cleaning, and watching epic amounts of LOST. I'm 3/4's of the way through Season 3. Thank goodness seasons 4 & 5 are shorter. Final season premiere in less than 2 weeks. I'm so excited I could just piddle.
Latest round of bloodwork has come back. TSH is up to1.06 from 0.029 just 4 weeks ago. Free T3 is still steadily climbing. No clue if this is good or bad. Free T4 still rocking out in normal town. I am most excited about the TSH. I basically told my doctor I wasn't upping my dose (which he recommended at the end of December). I stayed on the 125 of Le.voxyl and it seems my body just needed more time to adjust to the dose. Symptomatically, I'm feeling pretty darn good.
Here's the most interesting lab that came back: my estradiol is up from 20 to 27. This is interesting b/c in the last 2 weeks, up until about 2 days ago, my boobs were sore, I've been crazy moody, and holy shit - my libido came back to nigh high school and college levels, much to Ari's happiness. I've also had intermittent discomfort in my right ovary region. It lasted about 2 days, on and off. There's a chance I could have some kind of cyst.
Or maybe *strokes imaginary beard inquisitively*... maybe the Big O happened?
...
Ahahahaha! Man, that would be crazy. Theoretically, my estradiol was in the right range, as was my LH, but my FSH is through the freakin roof (63! Highest yet, I believe.)
But we didn't take any chances, and course corrected appropriately (refer to the libido comment above.) Things I am promising myself right the hell now: no pee sticks, unless I'm hurling chunks for a few days in a row. Who knows what's going on down there. It's weird to feel all PMS-y again. I haven't really had PMS in a year... actually, about this time almost exactly a year ago. Huge PMS buildup and then... nothing. This moodiness has taken me by surprise really- I've forgotten how weird it feels. I'm bitchy, emotional, bloated... I lament about missing it for over a year and then forgot just how icky the whole menstrual cycle can be sometimes.
Maybe this is just my ovary's way of saying, "Happy New Year!" before flipping me off every time I think about trying to have my own children.
And if I really do actually get a period- a for reals, honest to goodness, no this isn't withdrawal bleeding from being the on the pill period- I'll be devastated. That could have been THE last egg.
Or maybe... maybe there's a fucking chance. Maybe my body is slowly recovering itself, having a lil Bionic Woman peptalk between thyroid and ovary, saying things like, "We can rebuild her."
Next time I meet with the doc I'll make sure to get an u/s done, just to check for cysts. It's been 6 months since my last u/s, which came back normal. But for now, I'm going to ride out these PMS-like symptoms and see where they're taking me. I hope they're takin' me to Mom Town, or at least Holy Shit You're Ovulating Ville, by way of This Would Be a Fucking Miracle Airways.
For now, I'm just flyin' standby.
December 21, 2009
Dear Thyroid: You suck.
My appointment with Dr. G was a disaster. Despite the dosage increase, symptomatically, I've felt the worst I've felt so far (horrendous brain fog, lethargy, sleepiness, coldness in hands and feet - the usual). And yet the numbers say the inverse: my TSH was 0.024 - well in the hyperthyroid range. This is apparently common for folks with Hashi's - they can yo-yo between hypo- and hyperthyroid. Given the random spurts of racing heart rates and palpitations over the last month, and the recent crazy bouts of insomnia I'm dealing with, I knew this was going to happen. I have all the classic signs of a "thyroiditis flare up."
Basically, my thyroid is losing its damn mind, as indicated by the graph below. My TSH levels are in blue:
Dr. G has again prescribed a dosage increase (up to 137 mcg now) and has moved me to Synthroid instead of Levoxyl. The difference between the drugs is minimal, but perhaps my body might prefer one over another. It's like the difference between a Honda and a Toyota - they're both good Japanese cars, but some people just like one over the other (for the record, I'm a Honda girl and Ari is a Toyota boy).
My T3 has also been steadily climbing with each dosage adjustment. I need to go back and do some basic primer reading on T3 and T4 levels and what the hell they mean, b/c I just can't remember. This thyroid stuff is complicated and confusing.
I thought that perhaps Dr. G is moving a bit too conservatively, so I thought by telling a little white lie I might move things along more aggressively. I mentioned that Ari and I were earnestly moving forward with DE/IVF in the next six months (really, prolly not for another year), so let's get my body in shape to make that happen. The most aggressive thing he did was send me to the lab for 5 vials of blood and tons of bloodwork: vitamin D, folic acid, estrogen & progesterone (I think), cholesterol, hemoglobin A1C (glucose over time), and a host of other tests. I spent a half hour in the lab, b/c once again, my notorious thin/spongey/rolling veins played their little games and it took 3 sticks, 2 cups of water, and lots of fist pumping and overly tight tourniquets to be able to actually fill any of the 5 vials needed. It didn't help that the phlebotomist slipped when undoing the tourniquet and pulling out the needle and missed hitting the puncture wound with the gauze, sending a spurt of blood high into the air and almost all over my shirt (it did get all over my arm, her glove, and the tourniquet itself). I almost hit the floor - I just don't do blood, my own or otherwise.
It's been 8 months and I have little to show for it - I'm the heaviest I've ever been in my life, I feel miserable, and oh yeah, can't have my own kids. I hate feeling like a prisoner in my own body. I hate knowing that I used to be 118 lbs just 9 years ago, could do a two-hour performance singing and dancing with only a minor asthma attack afterward, and I looked good. I looked healthy. My periods were regular, albeit artificial with birth control, and my sex drive was almost criminal.
Cut to me now: 186 lbs (I only gained a pound since my last appointment, but I just feel a lot heavier), wheezing just going up a flight of stairs, not to mention the joint pain in my knees (another side effect of Hashi's - joint paint), and the worst acne of my life, a generally puffy face in addition to my double chin (another Hashi's side effect), premature ovarian failure, and a sex drive that comes and goes, and never with any great fanfare. It's practically a passing thought that I try to actually respond to once in a while.
I hate knowing that I could do so much more if I just had the energy, if I just had a body that would cooperate with me for more than a couple of weeks at a time. I hate getting stuck with needle after needle, praying that maybe this time- this time- my TSH will be in the optimal range and I can stick with one dosage for more than 6 weeks at a time. I hate feeling physically a lot older than 27. I hate looking in the mirror at myself and thinking, Miriam, what the fuck happened to you in the last decade? Where did that spunky spry go-get-em girl disappear to?
While I'm still coping with infertility, realistically, my bigger issue right now is my thyroid. I desperately need to find some Hashimoto's or Hashi's w/POF blogs out there. If anyone has any recommendations, I'd love them. It's so frustrating to know that I can't even begin to address any of the infertility until my thyroid chills the fuck out... I told Ari at lunch today, it almost seems like we should just start the adoption process now b/c I'm sure that will move faster than trying to get my body ready for IVF.
I'm tired of feeling like everything in my life is perpetually on hold right now.
Basically, my thyroid is losing its damn mind, as indicated by the graph below. My TSH levels are in blue:
Dr. G has again prescribed a dosage increase (up to 137 mcg now) and has moved me to Synthroid instead of Levoxyl. The difference between the drugs is minimal, but perhaps my body might prefer one over another. It's like the difference between a Honda and a Toyota - they're both good Japanese cars, but some people just like one over the other (for the record, I'm a Honda girl and Ari is a Toyota boy).
My T3 has also been steadily climbing with each dosage adjustment. I need to go back and do some basic primer reading on T3 and T4 levels and what the hell they mean, b/c I just can't remember. This thyroid stuff is complicated and confusing.
I thought that perhaps Dr. G is moving a bit too conservatively, so I thought by telling a little white lie I might move things along more aggressively. I mentioned that Ari and I were earnestly moving forward with DE/IVF in the next six months (really, prolly not for another year), so let's get my body in shape to make that happen. The most aggressive thing he did was send me to the lab for 5 vials of blood and tons of bloodwork: vitamin D, folic acid, estrogen & progesterone (I think), cholesterol, hemoglobin A1C (glucose over time), and a host of other tests. I spent a half hour in the lab, b/c once again, my notorious thin/spongey/rolling veins played their little games and it took 3 sticks, 2 cups of water, and lots of fist pumping and overly tight tourniquets to be able to actually fill any of the 5 vials needed. It didn't help that the phlebotomist slipped when undoing the tourniquet and pulling out the needle and missed hitting the puncture wound with the gauze, sending a spurt of blood high into the air and almost all over my shirt (it did get all over my arm, her glove, and the tourniquet itself). I almost hit the floor - I just don't do blood, my own or otherwise.
It's been 8 months and I have little to show for it - I'm the heaviest I've ever been in my life, I feel miserable, and oh yeah, can't have my own kids. I hate feeling like a prisoner in my own body. I hate knowing that I used to be 118 lbs just 9 years ago, could do a two-hour performance singing and dancing with only a minor asthma attack afterward, and I looked good. I looked healthy. My periods were regular, albeit artificial with birth control, and my sex drive was almost criminal.
Cut to me now: 186 lbs (I only gained a pound since my last appointment, but I just feel a lot heavier), wheezing just going up a flight of stairs, not to mention the joint pain in my knees (another side effect of Hashi's - joint paint), and the worst acne of my life, a generally puffy face in addition to my double chin (another Hashi's side effect), premature ovarian failure, and a sex drive that comes and goes, and never with any great fanfare. It's practically a passing thought that I try to actually respond to once in a while.
I hate knowing that I could do so much more if I just had the energy, if I just had a body that would cooperate with me for more than a couple of weeks at a time. I hate getting stuck with needle after needle, praying that maybe this time- this time- my TSH will be in the optimal range and I can stick with one dosage for more than 6 weeks at a time. I hate feeling physically a lot older than 27. I hate looking in the mirror at myself and thinking, Miriam, what the fuck happened to you in the last decade? Where did that spunky spry go-get-em girl disappear to?
While I'm still coping with infertility, realistically, my bigger issue right now is my thyroid. I desperately need to find some Hashimoto's or Hashi's w/POF blogs out there. If anyone has any recommendations, I'd love them. It's so frustrating to know that I can't even begin to address any of the infertility until my thyroid chills the fuck out... I told Ari at lunch today, it almost seems like we should just start the adoption process now b/c I'm sure that will move faster than trying to get my body ready for IVF.
I'm tired of feeling like everything in my life is perpetually on hold right now.
December 17, 2009
Brief Updates on Life
Sitting in the BWI airport, waiting to fly home. Ari's great-aunt passed away Tuesday and we drove down from MA to NJ Wednesday night and then from NJ to MD for the funeral. I have to be at work tomorrow, so I'm flying back tonight and he's driving back in the late morning tomorrow. Aunt B's funeral was really just... hauntingly beautiful and serene. My heart breaks every time I think of Uncle N: 61 beautiful years of marriage. Ari and I lived near them when we lived in MD and made it a point to visit when we could. It was not unexpected; she was given a year to live six years ago, but she declined sharply in the last 6 months. It's just very sad, and another thing I can add to the "Things That Sucked in 2009" List. It's a long list.
On a lighter note: my sister's 2nd ultrasound went well. Things are going swimmingly for Otter and her Spud. I am excited to see her at Christmas. So far, no need for an amniocentisis, and that's wonderful news given her age.
Work is... work. It's a paycheck, housing and health insurance at this point. I have come to the firm decision I will no longer be a doormat to my bully of a supervisor, and quite frankly, I'm a better person than my supervisor and will not let my supervisor win. Bullying is not a management style- it's a personality flaw, and I'm simply not going to take the passive-aggressive bullshit anymore. I'm digging in my heels and ready to fight the fight, if need be.
Ari's been applying for some more full-time work since he knows how unhappy I am at my job. He's got two apps out right now, so if you can put the good vibes out there in the universe for him, it would be much appreciated. Also... his birthday is Monday! It'll be the 12th birthday of his I've spent with him... nuts. I have some serious shopping I need to do before then :)
On the IF front... I've been much more open to the idea of adoption rather spontaneously in the last few days. Not sure why, but maybe I'm not meant to be pg. I really worry about whether or not I could successfully carry a pregnancy to term - just a weird gut feeling I've had in the last couple of weeks. As much as it would be a healing process for me, I just don't know if it's a realistic goal. DE/IVF is scary, just in terms of what you have to go through medically, and I don't know if physically, I'm really up for that. And if it failed, or worse yet, I miscarried... the emotional and financial damage could be irreparable.
I have a regular 6-week thyroid checkup on Monday with my RE. I'm not looking forward to it. Despite the dosage increase over the last 6 weeks, symptomatically, I feel worse. I had my b/w done yesterday (with a juicy lookin bruise on my hand... I look like a junkie) and I'm not confident that the numbers will be what I hope they will (in the 2-3 range). I'm betting they'll be over 5 again. I haven't hit my sweet spot TSH level yet, and honestly, after 9 months of treatment and yo-yo-ing on Levoxyl dosages and TSH values, I'm starting to get pretty fucking impatient. Add to the fact that my doctor basically said it's useless to try and take care of anything related to my weight right now b/c of my thyroid being unstable, and well, I'm not feeling to great about my health. I'm a terribly impatient person and I might need to seek a second opinion to see if I can't move this on a faster track. At the very least, I might need to seriously reconsider again supplementing this with some TCM and acupuncture.
Well, this wasn't brief at all. I'll write more in the coming days... I've got some interesting initial thoughts and observations on the donor selection process now that we've registered with a couple of databases online. Weird stuff, man, weird.
For now, time to board. I can't wait to sleep in my own bed tonight.
On a lighter note: my sister's 2nd ultrasound went well. Things are going swimmingly for Otter and her Spud. I am excited to see her at Christmas. So far, no need for an amniocentisis, and that's wonderful news given her age.
Work is... work. It's a paycheck, housing and health insurance at this point. I have come to the firm decision I will no longer be a doormat to my bully of a supervisor, and quite frankly, I'm a better person than my supervisor and will not let my supervisor win. Bullying is not a management style- it's a personality flaw, and I'm simply not going to take the passive-aggressive bullshit anymore. I'm digging in my heels and ready to fight the fight, if need be.
Ari's been applying for some more full-time work since he knows how unhappy I am at my job. He's got two apps out right now, so if you can put the good vibes out there in the universe for him, it would be much appreciated. Also... his birthday is Monday! It'll be the 12th birthday of his I've spent with him... nuts. I have some serious shopping I need to do before then :)
On the IF front... I've been much more open to the idea of adoption rather spontaneously in the last few days. Not sure why, but maybe I'm not meant to be pg. I really worry about whether or not I could successfully carry a pregnancy to term - just a weird gut feeling I've had in the last couple of weeks. As much as it would be a healing process for me, I just don't know if it's a realistic goal. DE/IVF is scary, just in terms of what you have to go through medically, and I don't know if physically, I'm really up for that. And if it failed, or worse yet, I miscarried... the emotional and financial damage could be irreparable.
I have a regular 6-week thyroid checkup on Monday with my RE. I'm not looking forward to it. Despite the dosage increase over the last 6 weeks, symptomatically, I feel worse. I had my b/w done yesterday (with a juicy lookin bruise on my hand... I look like a junkie) and I'm not confident that the numbers will be what I hope they will (in the 2-3 range). I'm betting they'll be over 5 again. I haven't hit my sweet spot TSH level yet, and honestly, after 9 months of treatment and yo-yo-ing on Levoxyl dosages and TSH values, I'm starting to get pretty fucking impatient. Add to the fact that my doctor basically said it's useless to try and take care of anything related to my weight right now b/c of my thyroid being unstable, and well, I'm not feeling to great about my health. I'm a terribly impatient person and I might need to seek a second opinion to see if I can't move this on a faster track. At the very least, I might need to seriously reconsider again supplementing this with some TCM and acupuncture.
Well, this wasn't brief at all. I'll write more in the coming days... I've got some interesting initial thoughts and observations on the donor selection process now that we've registered with a couple of databases online. Weird stuff, man, weird.
For now, time to board. I can't wait to sleep in my own bed tonight.
November 5, 2009
Yes, I'm still here
I've just been trying to regain steam to post- I don't want to let this journal fall to the wayside (like I've basically let my personal LJ just kind of putter around for the last 3 years). Anywho... here's what's new in life:
2 weeks ago: Japan was amazing. 2 weeks, 7 cities, 1,300 pictures.
Yesterday: b/w for thyroid panel.
Saturday: RESOLVE Bay State Chapter Conference . Actually really looking forward to it.
Monday: Appt w/Dr. G. to go over b/w results. Here's hoping the 100mcg is doing it, but I'm not so sure with a week of jet lag and daylight savings time.
Tuesday: Appt w/Dr. S. to talk about all the crap that's been rattling around in my head since we got back from Japan. Also, a good chance to process some of the things Ari and I will have encountered this weekend at the conference. I'm finding that therapy has been quite helpful... it's nice to talk to a third party who understands, but isn't my husband or someone connected to me. I'm still working up the nerve to write that letter to the child of my genes that I won't have. I've got a good opener in my head, but not much else beyond that.
Ongoing: The unemployment checks have run out, but Ari just started his own business, so we're navigating the land of the small business owner right now. Much of my time has been spent working on his website. I've always had a good eye for design - it's just a challenge when I'm using 2 programs I've never worked with before and I'm basically teaching myself the platforms as I go along (iWeb and WordPress).
2 weeks ago: Japan was amazing. 2 weeks, 7 cities, 1,300 pictures.
Yesterday: b/w for thyroid panel.
Saturday: RESOLVE Bay State Chapter Conference . Actually really looking forward to it.
Monday: Appt w/Dr. G. to go over b/w results. Here's hoping the 100mcg is doing it, but I'm not so sure with a week of jet lag and daylight savings time.
Tuesday: Appt w/Dr. S. to talk about all the crap that's been rattling around in my head since we got back from Japan. Also, a good chance to process some of the things Ari and I will have encountered this weekend at the conference. I'm finding that therapy has been quite helpful... it's nice to talk to a third party who understands, but isn't my husband or someone connected to me. I'm still working up the nerve to write that letter to the child of my genes that I won't have. I've got a good opener in my head, but not much else beyond that.
Ongoing: The unemployment checks have run out, but Ari just started his own business, so we're navigating the land of the small business owner right now. Much of my time has been spent working on his website. I've always had a good eye for design - it's just a challenge when I'm using 2 programs I've never worked with before and I'm basically teaching myself the platforms as I go along (iWeb and WordPress).
September 26, 2009
Looking at things in numbers
So my latest round of thyroid function tests have come back. And once again, my TSH has shot up, so now we're up to 100mcg. I was quite frustrated the other day when I actually went back through this blog and plotted my TSH levels over the last 6 months on a graph. And here they are:
What's particularly frustrating is how much this resembles my BBT chart that I started keeping almost a year ago: peaks, valleys, and no biphasic pattern. Not that my TSH should resemble a biphasic menstrual cycle, but it should appear stabilized.
*sigh*
This has been a rough week for some reason. Nothing in particular has triggered this emotional onslaught, but I am very frustrated with my thyroid, and I've just been very sad this week. What didn't help was calculating exactly how many days it's been since my last period: 281 days. 9 months, 1 week. 40 weeks rounded down. If I had conceived instead of getting a period on 12/20/08, I would be exactly full term today. But we weren't trying, we had no idea about my Dx... it just wasn't in the cards then.
But damn is it hard to realize it's been that long. I really do miss having my period, even the mood swings, the tampons, the cramps - all of it. It marked my sense of time. I'm lucky that I meet with a lovely group of women for a Red Tent Temple at each new moon, and that's helped immensely.
Like I said, it's been a hard week with regard to my IF headsphere. Tomorrow: Yom Kippur. The Days of Awe come to a close, and our fates are sealed for another year. I've sent up my prayers louder than ever this year, so we'll see. On Rosh HaShanah it is Written, and on Yom Kippur it is Sealed.
Good shabbos all.
What's particularly frustrating is how much this resembles my BBT chart that I started keeping almost a year ago: peaks, valleys, and no biphasic pattern. Not that my TSH should resemble a biphasic menstrual cycle, but it should appear stabilized.
*sigh*
This has been a rough week for some reason. Nothing in particular has triggered this emotional onslaught, but I am very frustrated with my thyroid, and I've just been very sad this week. What didn't help was calculating exactly how many days it's been since my last period: 281 days. 9 months, 1 week. 40 weeks rounded down. If I had conceived instead of getting a period on 12/20/08, I would be exactly full term today. But we weren't trying, we had no idea about my Dx... it just wasn't in the cards then.
But damn is it hard to realize it's been that long. I really do miss having my period, even the mood swings, the tampons, the cramps - all of it. It marked my sense of time. I'm lucky that I meet with a lovely group of women for a Red Tent Temple at each new moon, and that's helped immensely.
Like I said, it's been a hard week with regard to my IF headsphere. Tomorrow: Yom Kippur. The Days of Awe come to a close, and our fates are sealed for another year. I've sent up my prayers louder than ever this year, so we'll see. On Rosh HaShanah it is Written, and on Yom Kippur it is Sealed.
Good shabbos all.
September 19, 2009
L'shana tova, 5770
The summer of '69 (5769, that is) is now past, and we welcome in a new Jewish year. Ari and I are pretty relieved that this past year is over, as it was probably the most tumultuous one in our lives. We started the year with me in a new job, a new apartment, and my very odd stroke-esque episode that paved the way for the diagnosis I have now. There was our first anniversary, our first trans-national trip (5 days in California in January), and our first friends to have children. There was Ari's layoff. There were my diagnoses (POF and Hashi's). There were blood tests, and semen analysis, and too many hormones, too little hormones, and scrip after scrip after scrip. We lost our Nan. We hit bottom.
And as this new year begins, we are on the upswing. Ari is starting his own company (of which I will be owner, b/c not only will it then be a woman-owned business, but a minority-woman-owned business), I've essentially got a new job while remaining in the same department, my health has been stabilizing considerably in recent weeks (doc thinks we're *this* close to getting the right dosage for me), and we're heading to Japan for 2 weeks in the middle of October. Things- finally- are looking up for us.
This morning, Ari and I went to Rosh HaShanah services. It's been several years since we had each been to Rosh Hashanah services; we do Kol Nidrei for Yom Kippur every year, but we're almost always traveling for dinner with families and never make it to Rosh HaShanah services. So slap me stupid when the bulk of the Torah and Haftorah portions are the very portions for which the name of this blog derives: the stories of Sarah and Hannah, and they laugh and weep respectively, imploring to God to hear their deepest prayers for a child in their barrenness.
And their prayers are answered. It always seems to work out so neatly in the Torah.
I was not prepared for this at all this morning. The cantor spoke of how Rosh Hashanah is all about beginnings and births, and as he welcomed a Kohein for the first aaliyah, he remarked on how her aaliyah was doubly-blessed, as she was very visibly pregnant. I sat in services, my mind spinning, trying to maintain my composure. "Compartmentalize, Miri, c'mon, you can keep your shit together you can do it." My inner monologue was unrelenting. Did my eyes well up with tears? Did I zone out to my happy place for a few minutes? You bet your sweet bippy I did.
I had an appt with Dr. G yesterday. I explained that we're not financially ready to pursue ART at this point, but said we'd be happy if anything were to happen naturally, magically - miraculously, even. We're going to tweak my dosage one more time, but we think we've pretty much got it figured out. 1 more round of blood tests and I should know by early next week.
As I think of the Jewish new year, I always think of resolutions I make for myself. Every year, I promise to myself to be more Jewish, to be more engaged with my faith. Then I pledge to be a better girlfriend-fiance-wife (as the role has evolved over the years). I truly believe I'm going to get myself healthy- I say it, but I don't necessarily follow through. And this year, these resolutions are the same. But have I added one? Perhaps. Perhaps it's not a resolution, but it's an acknowledgment of that which dwells on my heart. To pray and hope for the next to impossible.
That the Book of Life may inscribe a new paragraph under our story, that like Sarah and Hannah, my supplications are heard and answered. As the year has begun on an upswing, let it continue to rise; that I may hold my head up in hope, in faith, in courage.
A sweet New Year to us all, and may we each be inscribed in the Book of Life for another year.
And as this new year begins, we are on the upswing. Ari is starting his own company (of which I will be owner, b/c not only will it then be a woman-owned business, but a minority-woman-owned business), I've essentially got a new job while remaining in the same department, my health has been stabilizing considerably in recent weeks (doc thinks we're *this* close to getting the right dosage for me), and we're heading to Japan for 2 weeks in the middle of October. Things- finally- are looking up for us.
This morning, Ari and I went to Rosh HaShanah services. It's been several years since we had each been to Rosh Hashanah services; we do Kol Nidrei for Yom Kippur every year, but we're almost always traveling for dinner with families and never make it to Rosh HaShanah services. So slap me stupid when the bulk of the Torah and Haftorah portions are the very portions for which the name of this blog derives: the stories of Sarah and Hannah, and they laugh and weep respectively, imploring to God to hear their deepest prayers for a child in their barrenness.
And their prayers are answered. It always seems to work out so neatly in the Torah.
I was not prepared for this at all this morning. The cantor spoke of how Rosh Hashanah is all about beginnings and births, and as he welcomed a Kohein for the first aaliyah, he remarked on how her aaliyah was doubly-blessed, as she was very visibly pregnant. I sat in services, my mind spinning, trying to maintain my composure. "Compartmentalize, Miri, c'mon, you can keep your shit together you can do it." My inner monologue was unrelenting. Did my eyes well up with tears? Did I zone out to my happy place for a few minutes? You bet your sweet bippy I did.
I had an appt with Dr. G yesterday. I explained that we're not financially ready to pursue ART at this point, but said we'd be happy if anything were to happen naturally, magically - miraculously, even. We're going to tweak my dosage one more time, but we think we've pretty much got it figured out. 1 more round of blood tests and I should know by early next week.
As I think of the Jewish new year, I always think of resolutions I make for myself. Every year, I promise to myself to be more Jewish, to be more engaged with my faith. Then I pledge to be a better girlfriend-fiance-wife (as the role has evolved over the years). I truly believe I'm going to get myself healthy- I say it, but I don't necessarily follow through. And this year, these resolutions are the same. But have I added one? Perhaps. Perhaps it's not a resolution, but it's an acknowledgment of that which dwells on my heart. To pray and hope for the next to impossible.
That the Book of Life may inscribe a new paragraph under our story, that like Sarah and Hannah, my supplications are heard and answered. As the year has begun on an upswing, let it continue to rise; that I may hold my head up in hope, in faith, in courage.
A sweet New Year to us all, and may we each be inscribed in the Book of Life for another year.
August 25, 2009
Thyroid & General IF Updates
Dr. G sent over my latest results, with more thoughts on Ari's SA. While the numbers may be borderline, they're ok for IVF, but he wants to boost Ari's count when we eventually go that route. Most likely will involve a modified diet and some vitamins.
Latest thyroid panel: TSH is down from 5.69 to 2.93. T3 and T4 are still mid-range normal. Dr. G wants to up my Levoxyl to 100 mcg. I've felt a noticeable difference since re-upping my dose. We're almost there, but not yet. I'll be so glad when my levels are where they should be.
As for IVF, donor eggs... That's all up in the air. The finances just aren't in place, our current housing arrangements are less than ideal, and really... are we ready to be parents yet? I seem to think I am, but there are moments where I wonder if I'm just blinded by a biological imperative. Ari has a clear timeline in mind, so it looks like it's going to wait for a couple of years yet. It's frustrating, confusing... I'm hanging in, I suppose. I am seriously doubting the viability of even trying to use birth control to stim my ovary anytime in the future. 2 reasons: 1) disappointment. 2) I'd have to complete readjust my thyroid meds again, and lord knows, I am not about to redo the last 7 months of work.
So, we wait.
Until then: get my thyroid in shape, get me in shape.
And wait.
Latest thyroid panel: TSH is down from 5.69 to 2.93. T3 and T4 are still mid-range normal. Dr. G wants to up my Levoxyl to 100 mcg. I've felt a noticeable difference since re-upping my dose. We're almost there, but not yet. I'll be so glad when my levels are where they should be.
As for IVF, donor eggs... That's all up in the air. The finances just aren't in place, our current housing arrangements are less than ideal, and really... are we ready to be parents yet? I seem to think I am, but there are moments where I wonder if I'm just blinded by a biological imperative. Ari has a clear timeline in mind, so it looks like it's going to wait for a couple of years yet. It's frustrating, confusing... I'm hanging in, I suppose. I am seriously doubting the viability of even trying to use birth control to stim my ovary anytime in the future. 2 reasons: 1) disappointment. 2) I'd have to complete readjust my thyroid meds again, and lord knows, I am not about to redo the last 7 months of work.
So, we wait.
Until then: get my thyroid in shape, get me in shape.
And wait.
July 29, 2009
Open your mouth and say "Ah-cupunture."
A bit sluggish this morning... had a very cathartic conversation with Ari last night about how generally awful I feel on a daily basis. And not just emotionally awful- I'm able to pick myself up 99% of the time- I mean physically worn out. I have virtually zero stamina or energy lately. I'm concerned that the 88mcg of Levoxyl just aren't cutting it. I'm just desperate to feel like my old self again- I don't really dig this newer, moodier, constantly exhausted version of me.
Monday, I went to a Red Tent Temple that my friend organized. It was nice to connect with other women in all stages of their Goddess paths. It meets close to the new moon each month, and I felt so wonderful and invigorated and inspired. I'm hoping to keep up with this group as a way to a) meet new people and b) mark a sense of cyclical time. I've really missed my period - I can't believe it's the last week in July! I've had no way ot marking my monthly time anymore and it's really thrown me off. The women were so open and supportive and bold and strong and vulnerable... it was a really wonderful night. I even had energy work done on me, which I haven't had done in years and I felt amazing afterward. I also got to share my story of how I'm at where I'm at medically, and it was so cathartic and comforting. Sadly, I can't make the next RTT, but I'm looking forward to September's.
Last night I had my free consultation at an acupuncture clinic. No needles yet- just a medical history and TCM (traditional Chinese medicine) diagnosis via the tongue inspection. That's right- she looked at my tongue and pointed out all these things that were big issues. The crack in the center of my tongue indicates a systemic imbalance. The little lumps along the back of my tongue correlate to PCOS. The scalloped edge (where my tongue basically presses into my teeth) indicate metabolic issues. The veins underneath my tongue were almost black they were so purple, which had to do with my migraines and blood stagnation in my neck and head. I forget what she said about the coating, but it indicated that my problems are rather severe.
They see a ton of infertilty patients, and a large number of folks with Hashimoto's and/or POF. She's recommended 4 initial sessions to get me started, as a way to see a) how fast I respond to treatment and b) if this clinic is a good fit for me. And while I have an insurance discount b/c of our particular carrier, it's still not cheap. (Hello tax deduction.)
I am pretty nervous about the needles. Before I start cooking Chinese herbs at home and pulling out the big guns, I've got an email into my doc about combining Western and Chinese medical approaches to my problems. I know he's receptive to it: at my first appt with him, he had a stack of "Infertility & Acupuncture" brochures on his desk. But apparently, if I get treated for my thyroid via acupuncture, I have to monitor my thyroid levels even more closely so that my dosage isn't too high. Considering I feel like I'm not even taking a thyroid med right now, I don't think that's going to be an issue right away.
I'm just at a point, as I realized last night, that I've really felt betrayed by my doctors over the years. My current guy, Dr. G, is wonderful - no major qualms other than some bedside manner issues. But all the other doctors who barely treated my hypothyroidism, who allowed me to continue taking hormonal birth control despite my known migraine contraindication, who wrote off practically everything I've felt and experienced as stress or clinical depression - when, as I've been reading and researching on my own and becoming my own reproductive healthcare advocate, this is simply not the case. Those crazy 2 years of depression and anxiety that nearly kept me from graduating college? Those mind-numbing, personality-altering years of Lexapro and Wellbutrin? The 40 lbs in 4 years of college, thinking it was all just a part of eating poorly on the campus meal plan? That wasn't stress. That wasn't depression, in the classic sense - it was all mismanaged thyroid, and I probably could have met Hashi's at the pass if I'd caught it early enough.
And the thing that's really been bugging me is when, 2 years ago, I didn't have a period for 7 months while I was on birth control, my PCP (aka, Dr. Skinny Bitch), basically told me a) I'm fat; b) I'm stressed; and c) my body needed more estrogen so here's a higher dose of the pill which I shouldn't have been on in the first place - if I'd stopped the pill and done some of tests I'd had in March, perhaps I could've been in the realm of POI rather than POF. And Dr. Skinny Bitch offered the same diagnosis, minus C, when my period didn't come back when I finally stopped the pill.
Dear Dr. Skinny Bitch: NOW do you see that this isn't fucking stress?? That my obesity is not the fucking cause, but a frustrating result?
...Why yes, that is a lot of pent up anger and resentment you're reading.
So, it's probably a very good thing I'm seeing a therapist who works with IF patients tomorrow night.
Monday, I went to a Red Tent Temple that my friend organized. It was nice to connect with other women in all stages of their Goddess paths. It meets close to the new moon each month, and I felt so wonderful and invigorated and inspired. I'm hoping to keep up with this group as a way to a) meet new people and b) mark a sense of cyclical time. I've really missed my period - I can't believe it's the last week in July! I've had no way ot marking my monthly time anymore and it's really thrown me off. The women were so open and supportive and bold and strong and vulnerable... it was a really wonderful night. I even had energy work done on me, which I haven't had done in years and I felt amazing afterward. I also got to share my story of how I'm at where I'm at medically, and it was so cathartic and comforting. Sadly, I can't make the next RTT, but I'm looking forward to September's.
Last night I had my free consultation at an acupuncture clinic. No needles yet- just a medical history and TCM (traditional Chinese medicine) diagnosis via the tongue inspection. That's right- she looked at my tongue and pointed out all these things that were big issues. The crack in the center of my tongue indicates a systemic imbalance. The little lumps along the back of my tongue correlate to PCOS. The scalloped edge (where my tongue basically presses into my teeth) indicate metabolic issues. The veins underneath my tongue were almost black they were so purple, which had to do with my migraines and blood stagnation in my neck and head. I forget what she said about the coating, but it indicated that my problems are rather severe.
They see a ton of infertilty patients, and a large number of folks with Hashimoto's and/or POF. She's recommended 4 initial sessions to get me started, as a way to see a) how fast I respond to treatment and b) if this clinic is a good fit for me. And while I have an insurance discount b/c of our particular carrier, it's still not cheap. (Hello tax deduction.)
I am pretty nervous about the needles. Before I start cooking Chinese herbs at home and pulling out the big guns, I've got an email into my doc about combining Western and Chinese medical approaches to my problems. I know he's receptive to it: at my first appt with him, he had a stack of "Infertility & Acupuncture" brochures on his desk. But apparently, if I get treated for my thyroid via acupuncture, I have to monitor my thyroid levels even more closely so that my dosage isn't too high. Considering I feel like I'm not even taking a thyroid med right now, I don't think that's going to be an issue right away.
I'm just at a point, as I realized last night, that I've really felt betrayed by my doctors over the years. My current guy, Dr. G, is wonderful - no major qualms other than some bedside manner issues. But all the other doctors who barely treated my hypothyroidism, who allowed me to continue taking hormonal birth control despite my known migraine contraindication, who wrote off practically everything I've felt and experienced as stress or clinical depression - when, as I've been reading and researching on my own and becoming my own reproductive healthcare advocate, this is simply not the case. Those crazy 2 years of depression and anxiety that nearly kept me from graduating college? Those mind-numbing, personality-altering years of Lexapro and Wellbutrin? The 40 lbs in 4 years of college, thinking it was all just a part of eating poorly on the campus meal plan? That wasn't stress. That wasn't depression, in the classic sense - it was all mismanaged thyroid, and I probably could have met Hashi's at the pass if I'd caught it early enough.
And the thing that's really been bugging me is when, 2 years ago, I didn't have a period for 7 months while I was on birth control, my PCP (aka, Dr. Skinny Bitch), basically told me a) I'm fat; b) I'm stressed; and c) my body needed more estrogen so here's a higher dose of the pill which I shouldn't have been on in the first place - if I'd stopped the pill and done some of tests I'd had in March, perhaps I could've been in the realm of POI rather than POF. And Dr. Skinny Bitch offered the same diagnosis, minus C, when my period didn't come back when I finally stopped the pill.
Dear Dr. Skinny Bitch: NOW do you see that this isn't fucking stress?? That my obesity is not the fucking cause, but a frustrating result?
...Why yes, that is a lot of pent up anger and resentment you're reading.
So, it's probably a very good thing I'm seeing a therapist who works with IF patients tomorrow night.
July 19, 2009
Results are in.
(So, I thought this posted from my phone last night, but my mobile messaging posting thing didn't work. Weird.)
Our doc called us from his home Friday night. Everything has come in as normal; low end of normal (21 million) but normal enough that he's not worried. Motility was a bit low, but isn't a big deal if/when we go IVF since a lab will be injecting sperm into the egg directly into the egg. My doc did say that if I had no IF problems of my own and we were trying to conceive naturally, we might have a slightly harder time than most, but it's a moot point really. Although, it makes me wonder if the birth control stimming "experiment" as my doc calls it, will actually be worth it in a few months. I just don't want to set us up for disappointment, or wasted time.
For now, this is a victory. A small one, but we choose to celebrate any win we can score at this point. It's the first victory we've encountered throughout this whole ordeal. For the first time in months, Ari has a sense of calm about him.
It's nice to have gotten some good news for once.
Our doc called us from his home Friday night. Everything has come in as normal; low end of normal (21 million) but normal enough that he's not worried. Motility was a bit low, but isn't a big deal if/when we go IVF since a lab will be injecting sperm into the egg directly into the egg. My doc did say that if I had no IF problems of my own and we were trying to conceive naturally, we might have a slightly harder time than most, but it's a moot point really. Although, it makes me wonder if the birth control stimming "experiment" as my doc calls it, will actually be worth it in a few months. I just don't want to set us up for disappointment, or wasted time.
For now, this is a victory. A small one, but we choose to celebrate any win we can score at this point. It's the first victory we've encountered throughout this whole ordeal. For the first time in months, Ari has a sense of calm about him.
It's nice to have gotten some good news for once.
July 17, 2009
Facepalm Update.
Results have been faxed to our practice, but no word from Dr. G yet.
Ari called a few minutes ago and spoke to our very wonderful E, who we've learned is the Dir. of Patient Services. Ari was trying to see if there was any way to get the results since Dr. G is still in surgery.
E specifically sent directions to Dr. G's assistant to forward the results to Dr. D... and it sounds like the assistant didn't do this. (We're not sure if "assistant" refers to a static admin who works in the practice, or one of Dr. G's rotating med students. There's a new med student assistant every time I've been there.)
So E (God love her) got the office manager to personally walk the results over to Dr. D, who should hopefully being calling Ari shortly.
I cannot believe how many hoops we have had to go through for this one test result- it's theoretically the easiest and least invasive diagnostic, with fairly quick turnaround, so I find the hold up just a tad frustrating.
I'm goin' nuts over here.
Ari called a few minutes ago and spoke to our very wonderful E, who we've learned is the Dir. of Patient Services. Ari was trying to see if there was any way to get the results since Dr. G is still in surgery.
E specifically sent directions to Dr. G's assistant to forward the results to Dr. D... and it sounds like the assistant didn't do this. (We're not sure if "assistant" refers to a static admin who works in the practice, or one of Dr. G's rotating med students. There's a new med student assistant every time I've been there.)
So E (God love her) got the office manager to personally walk the results over to Dr. D, who should hopefully being calling Ari shortly.
I cannot believe how many hoops we have had to go through for this one test result- it's theoretically the easiest and least invasive diagnostic, with fairly quick turnaround, so I find the hold up just a tad frustrating.
I'm goin' nuts over here.
Facepalm.
Still no results yet.
I love my practice, I do. I love my doctor. He's a bit gruff with bedside manner and a lil spacey when it comes to technology, but the man knows his shit, and is practically a pioneer for women's reproductive health in the Boston region.
However, the admin staff at our practice sucks.
Backstory: Dr. Gross wanted Ari to have an SA done, but took his sweet ass time calling in the order. So, just to be safe, we had Ari's PCP, Dr. D., write him up an SA in our practice's system. Dr. G. then called the fertility clinic at MGH directly, and had it put directly in their system. So, theoretically, there's still an SA lab order floating around in the computers at our practice.
Ari's SA was Tuesday. They have to act fast, b/c well, it's not like the sample's going to keep overnight, right? So theoretically, we should have heard by yesterday. When we didn't hear anything by 4pm, Ari called our practice. The admin who answered the phone said there was a message in for Dr. G. to call us back once the results came in.
I explained to Ari that Dr. G had told me to call and ask for him directly, and that he would call the fertility clinic and have it faxed directly to him and then call us. What usually happens is that the results are faxed to our practice's Medical Records office, which takes upwards of 2 weeks to spit it back out to the doctors. Lame, right?
So Ari called back yesterday, and asked to speak with Dr. G directly. The überbitchy receptionist said there was already a message in and basically to stop calling.
Cut to this morning. Dr. D. (Ari's PCP) calls him back and says "I don't even know where you had your SA done; the lab order is still sitting here unfilled in the system." Um, thanks for calling us, but the message was to have Dr. G. call us back.
Cue: *facepalm*
Ari called the practice and spoke to a much more helpful woman, E. She apologizes for the mixed-up message and assures us that Dr. G will call us this afternoon, as he's in surgery this morning. She calls back a few minutes later and says that the fertility clinic hasn't completed the results yet (why is this taking so long??) but will fax them over directly to Dr. G this morning once completed. E also said that Dr. G. might be in surgery this afternoon, so we might have to wait until Monday to get the results.
Are you kidding me? There's no way in hell I'm waiting through the weekend for the results of a goddamned SA! Now, I know I'm Ari's wife, and there are perks to it, but when it comes to medical records and test results, that whole HIPAA thing gets in the way, so Ari has to be the one to call, since it was his test. B/c if I could call, I would flip a shit on them right now.
EDIT: Results are in. Doc is still in surgery, could be all day. Will try to call us today, otherwise first thing Monday morning.
I love my practice, I do. I love my doctor. He's a bit gruff with bedside manner and a lil spacey when it comes to technology, but the man knows his shit, and is practically a pioneer for women's reproductive health in the Boston region.
However, the admin staff at our practice sucks.
Backstory: Dr. Gross wanted Ari to have an SA done, but took his sweet ass time calling in the order. So, just to be safe, we had Ari's PCP, Dr. D., write him up an SA in our practice's system. Dr. G. then called the fertility clinic at MGH directly, and had it put directly in their system. So, theoretically, there's still an SA lab order floating around in the computers at our practice.
Ari's SA was Tuesday. They have to act fast, b/c well, it's not like the sample's going to keep overnight, right? So theoretically, we should have heard by yesterday. When we didn't hear anything by 4pm, Ari called our practice. The admin who answered the phone said there was a message in for Dr. G. to call us back once the results came in.
I explained to Ari that Dr. G had told me to call and ask for him directly, and that he would call the fertility clinic and have it faxed directly to him and then call us. What usually happens is that the results are faxed to our practice's Medical Records office, which takes upwards of 2 weeks to spit it back out to the doctors. Lame, right?
So Ari called back yesterday, and asked to speak with Dr. G directly. The überbitchy receptionist said there was already a message in and basically to stop calling.
Cut to this morning. Dr. D. (Ari's PCP) calls him back and says "I don't even know where you had your SA done; the lab order is still sitting here unfilled in the system." Um, thanks for calling us, but the message was to have Dr. G. call us back.
Cue: *facepalm*
Ari called the practice and spoke to a much more helpful woman, E. She apologizes for the mixed-up message and assures us that Dr. G will call us this afternoon, as he's in surgery this morning. She calls back a few minutes later and says that the fertility clinic hasn't completed the results yet (why is this taking so long??) but will fax them over directly to Dr. G this morning once completed. E also said that Dr. G. might be in surgery this afternoon, so we might have to wait until Monday to get the results.
Are you kidding me? There's no way in hell I'm waiting through the weekend for the results of a goddamned SA! Now, I know I'm Ari's wife, and there are perks to it, but when it comes to medical records and test results, that whole HIPAA thing gets in the way, so Ari has to be the one to call, since it was his test. B/c if I could call, I would flip a shit on them right now.
EDIT: Results are in. Doc is still in surgery, could be all day. Will try to call us today, otherwise first thing Monday morning.
July 15, 2009
The waiting never ends...
Ari had his SA yesterday. Guys have it so easy initially ;) I got 7 vials of blood drawn for my first round of Dx, he gets to... well, you now how it works.
He called the dr's office today, but the results aren't in yet. I'm chomping at the bit to find out how his swimmers are. We have no reason to believe they'd be anything less than Michael Phelps or Greg Louganis. And yet, as I've so quickly learned in this process, you worry about everything. Even the stuff that you know should be solid. Ari's going to call again tomorrow- I hope my dr will give him the results right over the phone rather than waiting to have it mailed to us. Or he could email it. Either way, I just want to know now.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the worst... yet I'm trying to remain optimistic. It's a fine line. I was so railroaded with my own Dx (I mean, I knew POF was a possibility but I never thought it would actually happen to me) that I feel like I need to dig my heels in and be ready to take whatever additional bad news might be down the pike.
My S.O.P. is that I'm perpetually waiting for the other shoe to fall.
In other news, visited friends of ours who just had their first child at the end of June. She's just beautiful- so alert! I was nervous for this visit, but I realized my toughest emotional moments aren't around babies - it's more around pregnant women and situations like showers. It's the expectation and the likelihood of conversation turning to "So who's next?" as opposed to hanging out with the bundle of joy we've been waiting for.
Two things that were awesome about the weekend and made me super excited about having kids one day:
He called the dr's office today, but the results aren't in yet. I'm chomping at the bit to find out how his swimmers are. We have no reason to believe they'd be anything less than Michael Phelps or Greg Louganis. And yet, as I've so quickly learned in this process, you worry about everything. Even the stuff that you know should be solid. Ari's going to call again tomorrow- I hope my dr will give him the results right over the phone rather than waiting to have it mailed to us. Or he could email it. Either way, I just want to know now.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the worst... yet I'm trying to remain optimistic. It's a fine line. I was so railroaded with my own Dx (I mean, I knew POF was a possibility but I never thought it would actually happen to me) that I feel like I need to dig my heels in and be ready to take whatever additional bad news might be down the pike.
My S.O.P. is that I'm perpetually waiting for the other shoe to fall.
. . .
In other news, visited friends of ours who just had their first child at the end of June. She's just beautiful- so alert! I was nervous for this visit, but I realized my toughest emotional moments aren't around babies - it's more around pregnant women and situations like showers. It's the expectation and the likelihood of conversation turning to "So who's next?" as opposed to hanging out with the bundle of joy we've been waiting for.
Two things that were awesome about the weekend and made me super excited about having kids one day:
- I changed not one, not two, but three, yes three (ah ah ah) poopy diapers. 2 from the newborn, 1 from a 10-month-old infant, a child of another friend also visiting. It's no walk in the park, but it's not the absolute worst thing about parenting, I'm sure ;)
- Baby had a moment where she was just inconsolable... until I managed to bounce and rock and shshsh her to calming and eventually to sleep. It was like a magic trick and it really felt magical.
. . .
*frustrated sigh* Still no qualifying round results yet on my husband's Olympiads? *taps toe impatiently* Come on already, MGH Fertility Clinic!
*frustrated sigh* Still no qualifying round results yet on my husband's Olympiads? *taps toe impatiently* Come on already, MGH Fertility Clinic!
July 10, 2009
I feel like an old lady.
Follow up appointment today went well, for the most part. Latest b/w results:
Thyroid Panel:
What's next on my ever growing list of figuring shit out:
Women keep adding to their bone density up until about age 35, then plateau for a couple of years, and then start declining. Based on my POF, Dr. Gross speculates I'm already in the plateau phase, thus, necessitating the bone density test. I'll need to have it done every 3-4 years and course correct with calcium supplementation as appropriate. I feel like an old lady- I'm getting a bone density exam at 27, for fuck's sake. This is what like, 50 year-old ladies get.
The "ouch, that stings" moment of the appointment: calling the use of birth control to stim my ovary an "experiment." B/c in his 50+ year career, he's only had 5 or 6 pregnancies result from this method. In his career. Ugh.
Thyroid Panel:
- TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) = 5.69 uIU/mL [0.34-5.60] Status: High
- Free T3 (Triiodothyronine) = 3.25 pg/mL [2.50-3.90] Status: Normal (slightly lower than last time)
- Free T4 (Thyroxine) = 0.82 ng/dL [0.54-1.24] Status: Normal (slightly lower than last time)
What's next on my ever growing list of figuring shit out:
- Re-up the Levoxyl to 88mcg. Retest in 6 weeks. Adjust as necessary (I may need to go up to 100 mcg).
- Start taking a calcium supplement. 1200mg of calcium/day, 600mg at lunch, 600mg at dinner.
- Limit consumption of soy and strangely enough, broccoli. These futz with my thyroid.
- Continue the vitamin D supplements.
- Bone density exam scheduled for July 24. Non-invasive, 15-min procedure lying down on a table, fully clothed. I can handle that.
- Ari's semen analysis scheduled for Tuesday. Will know results by Thursday afternoon or Friday morning at the latest.
- Call Dr. Gross Monday morning for list of contacts with RESOLVE fertility counselors.
Women keep adding to their bone density up until about age 35, then plateau for a couple of years, and then start declining. Based on my POF, Dr. Gross speculates I'm already in the plateau phase, thus, necessitating the bone density test. I'll need to have it done every 3-4 years and course correct with calcium supplementation as appropriate. I feel like an old lady- I'm getting a bone density exam at 27, for fuck's sake. This is what like, 50 year-old ladies get.
The "ouch, that stings" moment of the appointment: calling the use of birth control to stim my ovary an "experiment." B/c in his 50+ year career, he's only had 5 or 6 pregnancies result from this method. In his career. Ugh.
July 6, 2009
Whirlwind week.
July 4th weekend was fantastic. Had friends from out of town at our place this weekend, with their adorable 10 month old in tow. Babies are exhausting! And cute, and fun, and wonderful. I particularly enjoyed seeing Ari with the baby- he's going to be a great dad someday.
Blood work this morning: thyroid workup and vitamin D levels checked. We're looking to see how this new lower dose of Levoxyl is working, and to make sure I'm not too much of a vampire and am getting enough sunlight (lol, with a little help from my liqui-gel Vitamin D tabs). Also, I might go on birth control again. That should be fun... we'll see if I get to keep my sex drive or not.
Still on WW. Gained 1.1 lbs this last week. Trying not to get discouraged by it, had a fluke weekend where we ate out a ton. Trying to remain focused on why I'm on this diet in the first place: gotta get my body healthy to have kids.
Ari has a semen analysis scheduled for next week. Fingers crossed, everything should be normal; we don't have much reason to suspect otherwise. And if there is something wrong, God help me b/c I might have a mental break at that point.
So my Dr. just called, and I need to up my thyroid medication back up to 88mcg. 75mcg isn't cutting it. Awesome, especially since I just got my 75mcg refilled... yesterday. Whatever, I have it on hand for the future.
In other news, outed myself to another friend. It's still bittersweet telling people in person. Good to let it out, but yanno, generally sucky to share that sort of news. Also, another friend just had their first child, a beautiful baby girl. When I got the picture message waiting in the airport flying out from my conference last week, I smiled, and then burst into tears. Who loves emotional roller coasters? *waves frantically* I do!
Still taking everything a day at a time. Still in that weird "we're not actively trying but we have this diagnosis looming over us" phase. Still in the Land of IF.
Blood work this morning: thyroid workup and vitamin D levels checked. We're looking to see how this new lower dose of Levoxyl is working, and to make sure I'm not too much of a vampire and am getting enough sunlight (lol, with a little help from my liqui-gel Vitamin D tabs). Also, I might go on birth control again. That should be fun... we'll see if I get to keep my sex drive or not.
Still on WW. Gained 1.1 lbs this last week. Trying not to get discouraged by it, had a fluke weekend where we ate out a ton. Trying to remain focused on why I'm on this diet in the first place: gotta get my body healthy to have kids.
Ari has a semen analysis scheduled for next week. Fingers crossed, everything should be normal; we don't have much reason to suspect otherwise. And if there is something wrong, God help me b/c I might have a mental break at that point.
So my Dr. just called, and I need to up my thyroid medication back up to 88mcg. 75mcg isn't cutting it. Awesome, especially since I just got my 75mcg refilled... yesterday. Whatever, I have it on hand for the future.
In other news, outed myself to another friend. It's still bittersweet telling people in person. Good to let it out, but yanno, generally sucky to share that sort of news. Also, another friend just had their first child, a beautiful baby girl. When I got the picture message waiting in the airport flying out from my conference last week, I smiled, and then burst into tears. Who loves emotional roller coasters? *waves frantically* I do!
Still taking everything a day at a time. Still in that weird "we're not actively trying but we have this diagnosis looming over us" phase. Still in the Land of IF.
June 4, 2009
"That's a nice looking ovary you have there."
Thank you?
I had my ultrasound this morning. I haven't had one since after I had a cyst rupture in 2000, and this morning was actually a pleasant experience.
[Funny side-story: When Dr. Gross asked me my scheduling preferences for my u/s, I told him anytime was fine. I asked him if I needed to arrive with a full bladder or do anything to prep, and he just laughed. "Not since the Reagan administration." Apparently, u/s technology has evolved in the last 10 years.]
I took an hour-long T-ride this morning to the Longwood Medical Area; driving in would have taken just as long, if not longer, in morning rush hour, and parking would have cost a fortune. I haven't had to do the morning T-commute in a long time, so it was nice to spend the time reading Sarah Gruen's Water for Elephants. (Sidebar: excellent read so far. Can't wait for my friend's upcoming Book Club about it.) If I wax a bit descriptive non-fiction in this post, it's b/c of the book.
I arrive at the office, to be greeted with poster reproductions of Chagall and Kandinsky, and vaguely tribal variations of Madonna women and children. There is a friendly receptionist, a little bit of paperwork, and plenty of hand sanitizer and signs instructing people how to cough into the crooks of their arms. I take a seat on the most comfortable waiting room chair ever, and I quickly realize why they're so comfy as a bulbous pregnant woman wrapped neck to calf in breathable stretch cotton comes waddling in with a pair of neon purple Croc clogs on her feet. She is perfectly proportionate save for her swollen belly, like a comic caricature of pregnancy. She is older, as is her husband. I peg them at just past 40, maybe a hard ridden 37 or 38. There is a younger Asian couple- much younger, early 20's by the looks of it. No belly, just lots of smiles and private exchanges. There's another woman, mid-30's easily, with a petite bump poking out just slightly from her blazer. If she hasn't announced to coworkers, she'll have to soon.
I wait my turn and am called up the stairs after waiting a short while. It's like some mystical medicine man at the top of a mountain, being hailed up the stairs as all the women of the waiting room crane their necks to see who will be next chosen. I felt like Moses at Mt. Sinai.
I am greeted by Kim, the u/s tech. I was prepared for the "scooch over," the unzipping and half-lowering of the pants, the slight tickling as the probe glides over my skin. What I was not prepared for, was her first question to me: "So, what brings you in here today?" The question literally left me flabbergasted for a second, like they'd found me out, like I was sneaking into a sacred coven of pregnant women of which I had no business being there.
I explained it simply. "I was just diagnosed with premature ovarian failure and we're going to try treatments in a few months, so my OB wants to get a good look at everything to make sure there's no uterine abnormalities." As soon as I said OB, I felt like an idiot. Until I've got a baby up in there, he's just my GYN. I explained my history of PCOS, and my ooverectomy. She said she was very sorry to hear of the diagnosis, and her words hung there, awkwardly, in the air as she fired up the machine. Thankfully, the tension was broken as warm jelly was squeezed onto me. "You warm it up for patients?" My abs were clenched in preparation for the sensation of cold, and I was pleasantly surprised by its lukewarm temp.
"Of course!" she chuckled, and began. Kidneys? Check. Got two of 'em. Left ovary gone? Check. Uterus? Check. Right ovary? Check. "I'd like to do a transvaginal ultrasound, if you don't mind. We can get a better picture." Ah yes, the dreaded "dildo cam." Once I had undressed, I totally understood why it got that acronym- it really looks like a dildo. The most awkward part? Kim says, "I'm going to have you insert it; it's just easier and more comfortable for you that way."
Soon after the sonogram tech came in, Sonya? I believe was her name, as a second set of eyes. She had Kim switch on 3D mode, which was surreal. It was like an old-timey photo of my uterus, all sepia toned and grainy. All of it looked the same to me, save for the uterus, which was a clear, black void in the middle. Seeing the emptiness of my uterus left me with a short pang- of seeing friends' sonograms with their millimeter fingers and toes and noses and thinking, "I would love a little bean of my own in there." Someday, I tell myself. Gotta stay hopeful.
Sonya goes, "That's a nice looking ovary you have there." To which I reply a confused, "Thank you?" I ask if they can see any follicles, and they explain that since I haven't had a period since December, there are none to be seen since they would only be visible during a certain time during a cycle, as they gear up for ovulation. Sonya says she'll send the report over to Dr. Gross this afternoon, and that everything appears normal and healthy. No cysts, growths, or anything out of the ordinary.
They hand me a wipe and wish me luck. For the first time in this whole process, this is the first normal diagnostic I've had. It felt good to know that there shouldn't be any problems keeping something inside there, it's just getting something to put in there that's that trick. And that, despite the moment of longing I felt at seeing my empty uterus, I kept a smile to myself as I rode the T home, excited and hopeful at the chance to see a little hand, a little face in there.
Someday, I smiled to myself, the T rattling around me. We are going to make this happen.
I had my ultrasound this morning. I haven't had one since after I had a cyst rupture in 2000, and this morning was actually a pleasant experience.
[Funny side-story: When Dr. Gross asked me my scheduling preferences for my u/s, I told him anytime was fine. I asked him if I needed to arrive with a full bladder or do anything to prep, and he just laughed. "Not since the Reagan administration." Apparently, u/s technology has evolved in the last 10 years.]
I took an hour-long T-ride this morning to the Longwood Medical Area; driving in would have taken just as long, if not longer, in morning rush hour, and parking would have cost a fortune. I haven't had to do the morning T-commute in a long time, so it was nice to spend the time reading Sarah Gruen's Water for Elephants. (Sidebar: excellent read so far. Can't wait for my friend's upcoming Book Club about it.) If I wax a bit descriptive non-fiction in this post, it's b/c of the book.
I arrive at the office, to be greeted with poster reproductions of Chagall and Kandinsky, and vaguely tribal variations of Madonna women and children. There is a friendly receptionist, a little bit of paperwork, and plenty of hand sanitizer and signs instructing people how to cough into the crooks of their arms. I take a seat on the most comfortable waiting room chair ever, and I quickly realize why they're so comfy as a bulbous pregnant woman wrapped neck to calf in breathable stretch cotton comes waddling in with a pair of neon purple Croc clogs on her feet. She is perfectly proportionate save for her swollen belly, like a comic caricature of pregnancy. She is older, as is her husband. I peg them at just past 40, maybe a hard ridden 37 or 38. There is a younger Asian couple- much younger, early 20's by the looks of it. No belly, just lots of smiles and private exchanges. There's another woman, mid-30's easily, with a petite bump poking out just slightly from her blazer. If she hasn't announced to coworkers, she'll have to soon.
I wait my turn and am called up the stairs after waiting a short while. It's like some mystical medicine man at the top of a mountain, being hailed up the stairs as all the women of the waiting room crane their necks to see who will be next chosen. I felt like Moses at Mt. Sinai.
I am greeted by Kim, the u/s tech. I was prepared for the "scooch over," the unzipping and half-lowering of the pants, the slight tickling as the probe glides over my skin. What I was not prepared for, was her first question to me: "So, what brings you in here today?" The question literally left me flabbergasted for a second, like they'd found me out, like I was sneaking into a sacred coven of pregnant women of which I had no business being there.
I explained it simply. "I was just diagnosed with premature ovarian failure and we're going to try treatments in a few months, so my OB wants to get a good look at everything to make sure there's no uterine abnormalities." As soon as I said OB, I felt like an idiot. Until I've got a baby up in there, he's just my GYN. I explained my history of PCOS, and my ooverectomy. She said she was very sorry to hear of the diagnosis, and her words hung there, awkwardly, in the air as she fired up the machine. Thankfully, the tension was broken as warm jelly was squeezed onto me. "You warm it up for patients?" My abs were clenched in preparation for the sensation of cold, and I was pleasantly surprised by its lukewarm temp.
"Of course!" she chuckled, and began. Kidneys? Check. Got two of 'em. Left ovary gone? Check. Uterus? Check. Right ovary? Check. "I'd like to do a transvaginal ultrasound, if you don't mind. We can get a better picture." Ah yes, the dreaded "dildo cam." Once I had undressed, I totally understood why it got that acronym- it really looks like a dildo. The most awkward part? Kim says, "I'm going to have you insert it; it's just easier and more comfortable for you that way."
Soon after the sonogram tech came in, Sonya? I believe was her name, as a second set of eyes. She had Kim switch on 3D mode, which was surreal. It was like an old-timey photo of my uterus, all sepia toned and grainy. All of it looked the same to me, save for the uterus, which was a clear, black void in the middle. Seeing the emptiness of my uterus left me with a short pang- of seeing friends' sonograms with their millimeter fingers and toes and noses and thinking, "I would love a little bean of my own in there." Someday, I tell myself. Gotta stay hopeful.
Sonya goes, "That's a nice looking ovary you have there." To which I reply a confused, "Thank you?" I ask if they can see any follicles, and they explain that since I haven't had a period since December, there are none to be seen since they would only be visible during a certain time during a cycle, as they gear up for ovulation. Sonya says she'll send the report over to Dr. Gross this afternoon, and that everything appears normal and healthy. No cysts, growths, or anything out of the ordinary.
They hand me a wipe and wish me luck. For the first time in this whole process, this is the first normal diagnostic I've had. It felt good to know that there shouldn't be any problems keeping something inside there, it's just getting something to put in there that's that trick. And that, despite the moment of longing I felt at seeing my empty uterus, I kept a smile to myself as I rode the T home, excited and hopeful at the chance to see a little hand, a little face in there.
Someday, I smiled to myself, the T rattling around me. We are going to make this happen.
May 26, 2009
Questions for 5/29 Appointment
I'm scheduled to meet with Dr. Gross this Friday at 3pm. Giving my recent blood test results of positive for ATA and negative for Fragile X, I have a good handful of questions. Am I missing anything?
Re: blood results:
Re: blood results:
- Do my ATA numbers indicate Hashimoto's or Graves?
- Are my low TSH numbers a result of the high ATA count?
- ETA: do ATA indicate I have anti-ovarian antibodies?
- Should I see an endo? Referrals/recs?
- With such high ATA, is it worth investigating meds like Armour for both T3 and T4 replacement?
- Lifestyle changes recommended?
- Natural/alternative treatment therapies, or therapies to use in conjunction with standard medicine?
- If this is mostly thyroid related, is the POF, in effect, reversible?
- Timeline for TTC - should we adjust our family planning timeline in light of the cause? Will waiting make it more difficult, or should we make attempts sooner rather than later? (2 months vs. 2 years)
- Does thyroid disease carry a higher risk of miscarriage? What can be done to prevent this?
- What can I do to alleviate menopausal symptoms?
- Should I begin HRT? What do you recommend? Risks? Benefits?
- Are there any supplements I can take in addition to or in place of HRT?
- Should I increase/decrease the soy in my diet?
May 20, 2009
Getting a second opinion?
Before I write posts, I usually like to tag it with labels first; keeps me on topic. I realized, in tagging this, I added "faith" at the last minute... I think I added it more for secular than religious purposes.
All of my major bloodwork is in. I'm sure I will have thyroid and hormone workups done again in another month or so (esp. thyroid, since I somehow went from managed hypothyroid to crazy high overmanaged hyperthyroid in about 6 weeks). I have my meeting with Dr. Gross next Friday; I have a bunch of questions to ask him. Arieh will be there with me again like last time; I feel much stronger with him there and it's good to have a second set of eyes and ears that represents our interests as a couple.
He's currently out of town at a conference, doing some serious networking, as he was laid off the week after I was diagnosed. During his usual evening call-in last night, he suggested that since I have all of my bloodwork done, perhaps I should get a second opinion. Not that he thinks Dr. Gross is wrong, or lying to us, but that it can't hurt to have someone else look everything over. Just to make sure, yanno?
I'm conflicted b/c my doc is pretty top notch, but I can see my husband's reasoning. We try to be thorough people, so a second opinion totally makes sense. He argues: it can't hurt. I argue: it can. After months of uncertainty, even before my Dx and now especially since in trying to find answers as to its causes, getting my autoimmune disorder and Fragile X results back has felt like such a huge weight has been lifted. The clouds have parted, answers I don't totally understand yet have been laid out and illuminated by the sun.
To get a second opinion doesn't necessarily undo all of this, but it casts me back in the dark, throws me back to the beginning- I'm left in the state of the unknowing, anxiously awaiting to either a) hear the same thing; b) hear something different or worse; or c) find out this was all a mistake and I'm just fine. And none of those options seem particularly appealing any you slice it, even the last one (b/c I know stuff isn't fine- I haven't had a period since Christmas).
For those of you out there that have gone through crazy diagnoses or had suggestions for courses of treatment that left you scratching your head: did you seek a second opinion? How did you navigate that with your partner and first doctor?
All of my major bloodwork is in. I'm sure I will have thyroid and hormone workups done again in another month or so (esp. thyroid, since I somehow went from managed hypothyroid to crazy high overmanaged hyperthyroid in about 6 weeks). I have my meeting with Dr. Gross next Friday; I have a bunch of questions to ask him. Arieh will be there with me again like last time; I feel much stronger with him there and it's good to have a second set of eyes and ears that represents our interests as a couple.
He's currently out of town at a conference, doing some serious networking, as he was laid off the week after I was diagnosed. During his usual evening call-in last night, he suggested that since I have all of my bloodwork done, perhaps I should get a second opinion. Not that he thinks Dr. Gross is wrong, or lying to us, but that it can't hurt to have someone else look everything over. Just to make sure, yanno?
I'm conflicted b/c my doc is pretty top notch, but I can see my husband's reasoning. We try to be thorough people, so a second opinion totally makes sense. He argues: it can't hurt. I argue: it can. After months of uncertainty, even before my Dx and now especially since in trying to find answers as to its causes, getting my autoimmune disorder and Fragile X results back has felt like such a huge weight has been lifted. The clouds have parted, answers I don't totally understand yet have been laid out and illuminated by the sun.
To get a second opinion doesn't necessarily undo all of this, but it casts me back in the dark, throws me back to the beginning- I'm left in the state of the unknowing, anxiously awaiting to either a) hear the same thing; b) hear something different or worse; or c) find out this was all a mistake and I'm just fine. And none of those options seem particularly appealing any you slice it, even the last one (b/c I know stuff isn't fine- I haven't had a period since Christmas).
For those of you out there that have gone through crazy diagnoses or had suggestions for courses of treatment that left you scratching your head: did you seek a second opinion? How did you navigate that with your partner and first doctor?
May 18, 2009
Blood lab results, round 2: finally, some good news!
Dr. Gross emailed me today. The karyotype serum test results are back: negative for Fragile X and the rest of the karyotype looks normal!
After a very long, frustrating day at work, combined with some other shitty news I got at lunch about some other financial related things, this news has been a welcome relief. This means there is an infinitesimally small chance I can still have my own genetic children! I can hardly believe it right now. I have a lot of work to do- I've got a ton of weight to lose and some other things to get in check, namely my thyroid disease; but there's a chance that my one remaining ovary just might have some eggs left in her, and we might be able to coax them out when we we're ready to TTC. I think there are still going to be issues in that we won't be able to make a baby the old fashioned way, but I've pretty much accepted that fact.
The news that I might be able to have a child that is partly genetically mine is so... fantastic. It's overwhelming. I have hope again. I haven't felt anything, really, for weeks and now - something positive.
We have an enormously long way to go, but at least we've got this small hope that I might have eggs left.
After a very long, frustrating day at work, combined with some other shitty news I got at lunch about some other financial related things, this news has been a welcome relief. This means there is an infinitesimally small chance I can still have my own genetic children! I can hardly believe it right now. I have a lot of work to do- I've got a ton of weight to lose and some other things to get in check, namely my thyroid disease; but there's a chance that my one remaining ovary just might have some eggs left in her, and we might be able to coax them out when we we're ready to TTC. I think there are still going to be issues in that we won't be able to make a baby the old fashioned way, but I've pretty much accepted that fact.
The news that I might be able to have a child that is partly genetically mine is so... fantastic. It's overwhelming. I have hope again. I haven't felt anything, really, for weeks and now - something positive.
We have an enormously long way to go, but at least we've got this small hope that I might have eggs left.
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