Thankful

Behold my awesome hand turkey makin' skills.

On this day of Thanksgiving, I give thanks...

For health: Despite everything I've been through this last year and a half, I'm still relatively healthy otherwise. I have learned from and been humbled by the wonder of the human body. I marvel at its intricacy.

For the love of my life: Every day with you is a blessing and a gift, love. I feel like the luckiest gal in the whole wide world that you chose me.

For the love of family: I'm so thankful to be surrounded by a family that is so loving and supportive. And we're growing - happy first turkey day to my niece! Your auntie will teach you that the best part of the meal is putting in a smidge of soy sauce into your honey mustard spread to make the turkey taste divine.

For the love of friends: You are each treasures to me. I keep a pretty close circle of friends and I hold you dearly in my hearts.

For abundance: I'm so thankful that 2010 is turning out to be so much better than 2009. Where last year was full of losses and travails, this year has brought us immense abundance: Larry's new job, my promotion, everything with my video and awards, Larry's increasing success with his LLC, our house. We have really been blessed.

For community: I'm thankful that you've found this blog, that you've watched and shared my video, that you keep reading about our journey and sticking by us. It's this community that has brought me such healing, compassion, and support. I just want to reach out and give each one of you a great big internet hug to thank you for being so awesome.

For country: When I read unsettling news of things like armed conflict in the Koreas, or civil unrest in the streets of France last month, or the cholera epidemic of Haiti - I am very thankful to have been born and and live in the country I do. I'm thankful for every citizen who elects to serve this country and defend its freedoms and interests.

For faith: It's what has kept me going. I am moved and thankful for the touches of the Divine: a harvest moon, the sisterhood of women in my life, the birth of a new family member, the elegant workings of the human body, being spared from a potentially devastating fire, the smell of the salt air when I drive through the marshes into work.

And we remember those that no longer sit at the table: Granny, Nan and Pop - of blessed memory. I miss you each so much.

Happy Thanksgiving, all.

11% Towards My Goal!

So far I've raised $180* for my Fall Fertile Fundraiser for RESOLVE of New England - I'm 11% of the way there! I'd love to double or even triple that by Thanksgiving - think I can do it?

I think so! (Especially with your help!)

$2000 still seems like a long way off, but that's only 91 people willing to donate just $20 each. And even $10 will help... hell, even $5.

I know it's tough times and folks are cash strapped - myself included. (What's this "mortgage" you speak of? Kidding. We have auto-pay.) As we head into the season of being thankful, making a charitable contribution is an excellent way to say thanks to an organization that does so much. It's nice to put that kind of goodness out there, because I believe goodness begets goodness.

Don't have the cash this week to make a contribution? Tweet about this fundraiser instead (Help 1000s living with #infertility - donate 2day for @miriamshope's Fertile Fall Fundraiser http://bit.ly/cp0Cwq Pls RT!), share it on Facebook via my Fundrazr page, or write a blog post about it and encourage your readers and followers to contribute on your behalf.

It's that whole spreading goodness thing again :)

To contribute, click on the image below. It'll take you to my Fundrazr page:

Thank you for helping to make this fundraiser a success!

*I know my Fundrazr page says I've raised only $105, but I've received other donations online outside of that app so it won't total those contributions. I've tried adjusting it manually, but I can't. Still, donating via my Fundrazr page is probably the easiest way to contribute. so, c'est la vie.

"And miles to go before I sleep."

I think it's time for another...

C25K: And miles to go...

Today will be Week 2, Day 3 of the C25K challenge that Larry and I are doing together. Last Friday, (Week 1, Day 3) was hard. If it weren't for Larry jogging by my side, slowing his pace, and cheering me on, I don't think I would have finished. Come Monday, it was a different story. I was jogging for a slightly longer clip at a time (90 seconds instead of 60 seconds) and went for my first solo run. It was definitely tough, but I didn't hit quite the wall that I did the previous run. I felt really proud of myself for managing to run on my own through my neighborhood.

Wednesday was wonderful- again, tough, but rewarding. I even did my run on my lunch break at work, meeting a friend of mine at the track behind my office. Claire was such a good sport- she's a week behind on the program, and when she accidentally dropped her phone and lost her training app progress, she kept up with my week's program in spurts. It was a great way to break up the work day (thank G-d for extra anti-perspirant and body spray) and I felt pretty amazing and productive for the rest of the day.

Larry is out of town at a trade show in NYC, so after working a 15 hour day on Wednesday, he couldn't run. We made a promise to each other  that if either one of us was out of town for a run day, we'd still run. So he ran yesterday to make up for it and we'll run together tonight after work. I was so proud of him for running yesterday morning, despite his hectic work schedule and unfamilar terrain. (Apparently, running in Manhattan is a beast.)

This week's routine is just a smidge higher in intensity than last week's: 5 minute warmup, jog for 90 seconds, walk for 2 minutes. Repeat for 20 minutes, 5 minute cooldown. So in a given run, I've been jogging for 9 minutes spread out over the half hour. Next week it ramps up, I'm still jogging a total of 9 minutes in a given program, but 6 of those minutes are in 3 minute clips- should be interesting.

So far I've run a total of 6.55 miles. I'm averaging about 1.75 miles in my 30 minutes, more than half of a 5k.The great thing about this program is that in about 8 weeks, I should be doubling that mileage in the same amount of time.

I'm looking forward to that challenge. For the first time in my life, I am really psyched about accomplishing a very tangible fitness goal.

Harry Potter 7, pt.1: ...before I sleep.

I went with my friend Charlotte last night to see the first installment of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. There's a lot of fun to be had at midnight showings, especially for a franchise as epic as HP. There were cloaks and burgundy and gold striped ties, scarves, and hats, as well as lightning tattoos and drumsticks doubling as wands. I opted for a more practical solution: pajamas. The movie runs about 2.5 hours, so my plan was to roll into bed once I got home. Getting up this morning for work was brutal.

It's a really excellent film that stays rather close to the book (including the fairly boring stretches of wandering through the wilderness a la Lord of the Rings). If you haven't read the books, I imagine this film would have been a nightmare. There's no catching up to speed on the previous 904 minutes of film. Either you know what a horcrux is or you're drowing in 6 movies' worth of established mythology.

I won't spoil any surprises, but there is a scene from the book I had completely forgotten about toward the end of the film - seeing it onscreen was both visually satisfying (yummy Daniel Radcliff) and kind of weird, because as I realized last night... I've been watching these actors grow up for over a decade. The Harry Potter films have spanned my 20's. It was almost awkward to see such a "racy" scene. But it's a nice payoff to mounting tensions throughout the film. (Especially if you're like me and perpetually took issue with certain main characters' romantic choices. I'll just leave it at... Team Harry would have been epic.)

The film ends rather abruptly, but I suppose it's really the best place to halve the two films. I'm kind of going nuts to see part 2. And considering how emotional I became at several moments in last night's installment, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be a wreck at end of it all. Like I was for LOST (nigh inconsolable) and Battlestar Galactica (quite moved but still annoyed at some of Ron Moore's obvious copouts).

In sum: Harry Potter 7, pt. 1 is a really excellent film- more of a dark series of character studies than action driven linear plot. It follows quite closely to the book and I think for those of us who are invested in the franchise on both page and screen, it will be a very satisfying adaptation. I'm glad I didn't see it with Larry last night... because now it gives me an excuse to go see it again!

I'm going to try very, very hard not to fall asleep at my desk. Getting to bed at 3am and up by 7:30am are not sitting well with me at all, and this iced coffee isn't doing much either... *thud, snores, drool*

Happy Friday all.

Reminder: Fertile Fall Fundraiser is still going on!

So far I've raised $35 for my Fertile Fall Fundraiser for RESOLVE of New England. I've still got a long way to go, but I'm confident we can make it. I've decided to extend my fundraiser until December 30, 2010 - that's a month and a half from now. $1965 in a month and a half? Totally doable! That's ~$44 a day. That's just 4 people a day, willing to donate 10(ish) dollars a day.

I think the issue is that I need to spread the word, so here are a couple of tweets to help out the campaign:

I just donated to @miriamshope's Fertile Fall Fundraiser for @resolveneweng - have you? #infertility http://bit.ly/cp0Cwq

$10 could help thousands with #infertility - donate 2day for @miriamshope's Fertile Fall Fundraiser http://bit.ly/cp0Cwq Pls RT!

How are other ways you can help? Besides the obvious way of contributing, you can blog about it on your own blogs. If you do, please leave a link to your post in the comments. Just think, fellow NaBloPoMo-ers - instant blog post! Spreading the word is key, so whether you blog, tweet, or Facebook it, you're helping to share this fundraiser with potentially hundreds of other potential contibutors. Please and thank you for doing so :)

5 Reasons to Donate Right Now:

1. Donating is like putting a little good out there into the Universe and when you put good out there, you get good back.
2. Make a contribution to give hope to others like you who are battling infertility.
3. Make a contribution in honor of your children, to celebrate your victory if you've conquered your infertility.
4. RESOLVE of New England is a pretty kickass organization with tons of resources, education, peer led support groups, and more - and kickass orgs need kickass funding.
5. You're an awesome friend, fellow blogger, reader, and supporter!

Now that you're feeling totally inspired, you can donate via the Fundrazr app on my Facebook page. If you're unable to donate (believe me, we're feeling the economic crunch too), please consider at least spreading the word via your own blogs, Facebook, and Twitter. You can snag the graphic above and link it to my Fundrazr page directly via the bit.ly link above.

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Call it a mitzvah. Call it your good deed for the day.
Whatever you call it, it's doing something good. And doing good feels good.

So... do you feel like doing some good today? 

I hope you do and thank you for supporting this cause!

The IF-Free Zone

Texture credit: DELLipo™

Sometimes, all this talk about infertility and babies and doctor's appointments can be a bit much, so I created a blog post label "IF-free zone." Because sometimes, I just don't feel like writing about infertility - even the more positive aspects like volunteering and advocacy. This girl just needs a break sometimes.

I also block out time in my daily schedule where I'm going to enjoy myself and not think about the soul-crushing depression of my barrenness. I make sure to set aside non-blogging time as IF-free zones. I encourage you to do the same, because it works wonders. Not every conversation I have with my husband has to be about infertility or baby things. Sometimes we just want to talk about that funny article we read on Cracked.com that day or why I think just the phoenetics of the words Windows Phone are inferior to the fluidity of how iPhone just rolls off the tongue.

So what do I write about in my IF-Free Zone? Well, let's check the label. Apparently I have 16 posts labeled IF-free zone prior to this. I've written about traveling, camping, my hots for Tony Bourdain, getting in shape, dieting (ha ha, that totally failed), memories of Sept. 11th, and a lotta stuff about food.

I guess the point of my IF-free zone is to say, look: there's more to me that just my infertility. In fact, let me showcase the things that give me pleasure, give me purpose, or I just feel the need to get up on my soapbox and talk about for little bit, because it matters to me in some way.

So I've decided to make a little graphic to emphasize beyond just the blog post label. If you want it, feel free to "right click + save as" and slap it up on your own IF-free zone blog moments.

I hope you find it as freeing as I have... because we are ALL more than just our infertility.

A second opinion on everything, really.

Doc Awesome: Artist's rendition.

My second opinion appointment went really well yesterday. The staff at the clinic were very professional and rather friendly. I tweeted from the office that the patients sitting in the waiting room, however, looked a bit somber, but I can't blame them. It just made the contrast between the friendliness of the staff that much more apparent.

Dr. "I have an incredibly awesome/sexy South African accent" who I suppose I should just shorten to Doc Awesome was equally as warm and friendly. (I would've called him Dr. Sexy, but that's reserved for our vet: a post for another day.) I came armed with my list of a dozen questions and a folder full of test results. What astounded me was that I didn't have to sit and give my schpiel (menarch at 9, PCOS Dx at 18, ovary out the same year, thyroid problems at 20, POF/Hashi's at 26 blah blah blah)... he had actually read my file prior to my appointment and was able to give me my own summary back to me.

I find this astounding because with Dr. G, I could count on at least 20 minutes of repeat dialogue at every appointment, including having to go through my medical history at nearly every other appointment. Egads, a doctor that does his homework?? What is the world coming to?

Doc Awesome let me ask my myriad questions and many of the answers were ones that I had expected. Based on my various hormonal tests throughout the last year, it's POF. And like any POF-er, it's entirely possible to experience spontaneous ovarian function and even become pregnant, but that occurs in about 1% or less of the POF population. Bummer.

That being said, Doc Awesome said I'm a fantastic candidate for donor egg, and that POF-er's in general usually are great candidates for DE/IVF. Doc Awesome also oversees all of the donor cycles at this clinic, so I'm in capable hands. They run pretty aggressive treatments for donors and say they get as many as 20 eggs in one shot. Their success rates are also well into the 50-60% range with DE. I asked if my Hashi's could play in a role in the success of DE/IVF and he said that so long as it's maintained, it's a non-issue.

As far at the actual cycle itself, once we pick a donor and she is screened (and the screening process at this clinic is intimidating bordering on absurd- his words, not mine), I'd stop taking my birth control pills and switch to estrogen only. Meanwhile, she'd go on a stim protocol and trigger. The day of retrieval, Larry obviously has to do his thing in a cup, I'll add progesterone gel (sounds goo-tastic!), and the eggs are retrieved from the donor. Depending on how Larry's army looks, we'll either let them do the rumba in the petri dish or directly inject his sperm into the egg via ICSI. About 4 days later, I would come in for a 10 minute procedure to insert either 1 or 2 embryos into my lady parts... and then, voila, the 2ww. Should I choose, I can also add an hour of acupuncture/pressure before and about 45 minutes of the same after the transfer. All told, apart from the actual transfer and using donor gametes, it's par-for-par hormonally and experientially as any other woman experiencing pregnancy.

I mean, I wouldn't even get the giganto box o' needles from the fertility pharmacy. I could avoid needles.

This is huge for me folks. Huge.

All told, we're looking at about $15-17K when you factor in donor agency fees, donor fees, legal feels, and donor screening. (It seems silly that insurance wouldn't cover donor screening, since they are medical procedures, but apparently it's the one medical part of the process they don't cover, which can run anywhere from $2-4K.)

I'm not going to lie: this is WAY cheaper and potentially faster than adoption. And given my age, my other relative health, there's a good chance of this working on the first shot. I know DE/IVF is no guarantee, but even Larry brought up the point: if it didn't work, we would potentially still have other embryos on ice to work with again, given the aggressive retrieval protocol they run on donors.

And you know what? I do want to experience pregnancy and birth. I have resolved that I'll still be just as much of a woman and mother if I don't, but the pregnancy experience is still important to me after all. There's also a good bit of halachic vaguery about the Jewish status of a child born via donor egg, so believe it or not, according to Jewish law, donor egg is easier to navigate that adoption. I wouldn't necessarily need a Jewish donor if pursuing DE/IVF, but absolutely would need a Jewish birthmother if pursuing adoption, domestic or international.

After talking the appointment through with Larry yesterday, I think we're changing our minds... again. Once we save up the money, we're going to go for DE/IVF. I don't think adoption is off the table for us completely, but just not as our first shot.


In sum: Doc Awesome is pretty awesome. (He even complimented me for coming in armed with all of my info noting that I was "a lot more researched than the average patient, which is a great thing.") And when we're ready to go for donor egg... we'll be going with him. I feel really confident in his ability and he has a wonderful candor and sense of professionalism.

So yeah, there you have it. Donor egg is back on the table... and I'm really excited about it. The timeline all depends on how quickly we can hide away the cash, but I think we could probably do this by the end of next year.

I suppose I should start working on a new blog header image this weekend!

What's your Creme de la Creme for 2010?

Mel over at Stirrup Queens is the host of a wonderful blog recognition program where we as a community select our own best post for the year. On January 1, 2011, Mel will then feature them in a list of all our best posts. It's the best of the best in the ALI community: it's the Creme de la Creme! And this year marks year number five.

The Best of the Adoption/Loss/Infertility Blogs of 2010

It's a pretty amazing list once it all goes live, and it's exciting to see what various bloggers see as their best posts for the year. Here's my 2009 Creme de la Creme submission. And I just submitted my post for the 2010 list... but of course I'm keeping it under wraps until the list goes up in January! So take a look back at your year and consider which post you'd like to show off. There are already 82 partipants (well, 83 if you count me) - will you be next?

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Have you donated to my Fertile Fall Fundraiser yet?

I've only raised $35 so far, and I've got $1965 to go!

Who wants to help out this important cause?

There's still plenty of time to donate!

RESOLVE of New England Annual Conference Recap

For all the nearly minute-by-minute details, check out yesterday's live blog here.

Now that I've had nearly a whole day to digest the conference... let me sum it up for you: wow. We left bright and early and had a long day ahead of us. Eight hours of discussing infertility can be pretty exhausting, and I won't lie: it was. Yet at the end of the day I felt exhilarated.

We officially had more attendees this year than last year; we even had close to 20 walk-in registrants! I don't know the final number, but I think we were just over 200 attendees. I finally got to meet (and spend more than 2 minutes talking to) some fabulous bloggers, including Melissa from Stirrup Queens and Jes from Baby Bump Bound. I also met a couple of readers - shoutouts to Moira and Victoria! We had folks coming from Vermont and Maine and Boston and Quincy and Schenectady, New York.

The most profound fact that I realized at the end of the day, however, was realizing that just last year, Larry and I were coming as wide-eyed, overwhelmed, newly diagnosed attendees. This year, we came back as volunteers and the experience was much more different for us this time around; in a good way, of course.

I experienced both blinder and reverse blinder effects. Last year, I was wearing blinders on my emotional experience; I was looking through a tunnel of my own pain and grieving with only minimally reaching out to others. This year, as a volunteer, the blinders came off. In interacting with so many other people: attendees, other volunteers, vendors, and speakers, I saw a much broader emotional spectrum. Sure, I still saw that same pain, grief, and even frustration, but I think my role as a volunteer, combined with my recognizability from my video, there was a greater sense of openness, of connection with people there. Last year it took all I had to be able to open up and share in the last session of the day, "Dealing with the Outside World." This year, I was sharing everything from my upcoming 2nd opinion appointment to the ways I've been able to cope- and not cope- in the last year.

By that same token, last year, I felt like I was inundated with an overload of information. This year, I had my information-gathering blinders on. Since I didn't attend every session and was concentrating on a) making sure I was performing my duties b) connecting and networking with folks and c) live blogging throughout the day, my attentions were divided and so I feel like I walked away with substantially less information this year. But that's okay - like I said above, the connections alone I made with people were worth the experience.

I also talked with a fellow RESOLVE of New England member about the vibe this year - definitely a different vibe. We both agreed that last year there were lots more couples appearing stressed out at the end of the day. This year: smiles, laughter, and again, seeing people reaching out and talking with others.  I also noticed the crowd this year appeared younger. I remember distinctly feeling in the age minority last year whereas this year, I saw a good number of couples that appeared in the "under 30" crowd. It was great to see that with a larger attendance the overall vibe was both more positive and the crowd younger.

I'm going to post my theories, totally unscientifically researched, about why this year felt different.

1. The economy was really in the crapper this time last year. I remember last year freaking out about being able to even afford to come. We were very lucky and very grateful to receive a scholarship for the both of us to attend. When you're at a Family Building Conference and realize that even with the Massachusetts Infertility Mandate, ART or adoption is going to cost you anywhere from $15 - $40K, I'm sure that would put anyone in a foul mood. I'm not saying the economy has snapped back, but it's certainly better this year than it was this time last year.

2. Increased media coverage of infertility (even negative) in the past year. I know we are still dealing with the aftermath of Octomom and yes, we're still wrestling with the ethical dilemmas of the 70-year old first-time mother in India or the 57-year old new mother of twins in Australia - but we've had some good press too. And with shows like Giuliana & Bill and their efforts with RESOLVE National, I think there has been a shift in the infertility media landscape. The most important thing is that the media is covering infertility, people are talking about it. With increasing dialogue I think comes an openness to making connections with others in the same boat.

3. An aggressive social media campaign. I know I'm certainly part of this, from blogging and tweeting and Facebooking every chance I could about the Conference, but it was all a part of a larger strategy by RESOLVE of New England to reach out to a broader audience through the online channels of which we're attuned. And I have to say, I think the strategy worked.

In sum, I think this was an incredibly successful conference, one that I'm proud not only to have been a part of, but proud to see how far we've come in a year. I am by no means "over" my infertility or finished grieving or living emotionally well with all of this - but we have come a helluva long way in a year. I find that inspiring for myself, and I hope it inspires and gives you hope too.

If I didn't see you at the Conference this year... I hope it's because you've resolved in some way. And if you haven't, I'll still be there next year.

In the Red Tent Temple

...I feel beautiful, vibrant, awakened, sexy, stress-free. I welcome the new moon with an open heart and a grateful smile.

"Welcome Woman, this place is made sacred with your presence."

In the Red Tent Temple, we are all Goddesses.

. . .

Last night, our Red Tent Temple was filmed for Isadora Leidenfrost's upcoming film, "Things We Don't Talk About." It was a magical, wonderful evening and I'm still left feeling like I'm walking just a few inches above the ground: our best Red Tent Temple to date.

I was interviewed individually on Monday night by Isadora at my dear friend Honeybee's home. It was strange to feel so exposed in front of her; I felt almost naked in the camera lens but I was just as open as if she hadn't been sitting there. Afterward, I felt exhilerated. Last night, I barely noticed the camera and lights, thankfully as Isadora literally "dressed up" her equipment in red dresses, fabric, boas, and tiaras. I didn't even notice she was filming most of the night and forgot she was there entirely until I was asked to wear a microphone for a few minutes.

So many beautiful women from all over came last night- many new faces or faces we hadn't seen in a while- and each woman brought her own unique voice, story, and talents to the group. There was drumming, singing, poetry reading, art displays, and just plain sharing and laughing and talking. We colored vulva coloring book pages, we drank tea (so much tea!), we ate chocolate chip cookies and tomato soup and sourdough bread and pomegranate seeds and apples and leftover Halloween candy.


Can you spot the pomegranate on my hand?

There was henna. I held the hands of dear friends and women I'd just met and painted intricate designs on their hands and mine. I'm usually shy about touching other people or being touched, but I dropped a boundary last night. There's something peaceful and calming about applying henna, watching the designs evolve on their own whimsy.

And ALisa Starkweather, the founder of the Red Tent Temple movement herself! - she stopped by and shared in our celebrations. I was star-struck and couldn't find the words to say much to her. But I was grateful and humbled by her appearance all the same.

We laughed, deep Baubo belly laughs. And our eyes brimmed with tears. Some cried openly. We talked about G-d, Goddess and women and sex and math class and chemotherapy and our husbands and birthdays and decision making and NOT making decisions if we don't want to and art and soup and our mothers and foremothers and the coming winter.

. . .

In the Red Tent Temple, it's the one place where I wear my infertility like a badge of honor, as if to say, "I am no less woman."

And if I so choose, I can leave that title at the door, too.

. . .

With a belly full of soup and tea and my heart filled with gladness and grace, I leave the Red Tent restored and whole again.

. . .

Every community needs a Red Tent Temple. We need to make Red Tent Temples for our teenaged girls. We need more Crones. We need to make room for trans voices and experiences. We need more women of color.

We need to reawaken the Dialogue of Women that whispers within each of us...

...and I firmly believe that the Red Tent Temple Movement is doing just that.

I am honored to be a part of this movement and thank you Honeybee, for opening the door to me and so many other women. We are each a part of something profoundly important to Women's Work.

A Fertile Fall Fundraiser!

Next Saturday is RESOLVE of New England's Annual Family Building Conference (full conference details here online). In the spirit of the Conference and also in my comittment to the organization, I'd like to host my first fundraiser for them: My Fertile Fall Fundraiser!




Here's how you can donate:

> Go to my Facebook Page, Keiko Zoll: Infertility Advocate, and donate via the FundRazr widget.

My goal is to raise $2,000 by December 30, 2010.

$2,000 may sound like a lot, but let's break that down...

$2,000 equals...
+ 20 people willing to donate $100 each;
+ 40 people willing to donate just $50 each;
+ 200 people who are willing to donate just $10 each!

For the cost of two tickets to a concert, the cost of a nice haircut with blowdry and style, or even the cost of brunch at your favorite mom and pop restaurant: you can make a contribution to help thousands of couples struggling with infertility in the New England region and help support an organization that's near and dear to my heart :)

In full disclosure, the money will be donated directly to my PayPal account. The only reason I'm not asking for donations directly to RNE is because my husband's company will match charitable contributions... so that means, if I meet my $2,000 goal, I'll actually be making a contribution of $4,000 to RESOLVE of New England!

Again in full disclosure: since your donation is made to me, it is not considered tax deductible. RESOLVE of New England is a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization and your contributions are tax deductible only when you make a contribution directly to them. If you'd like to donate directly to RNE, please click here, but before you do, check to see if your employer or your partner's employer has a charitable matching program. That way, even though you'll get the tax write-off, we won't lose out on the ability to match your donation, even if it's through a different company.

Please consider making your contribution today, whether you do it for yourself, a loved one, or if you've conquered your infertility... do it for your children! It's a great way to celebrate your victory.

I'm pretty confident I can hit this $2,000 goal, even with 200 people at just 10 bucks a pop... let's see how fast we can do it!

Anchors Away

I'm on a boat! (Or will be.)

Larry and I need a vacation like whoa.

My grandmother died. I became an aunt. I got a promotion and simultaneously lost my housing as a result. So then we bought a house, but had to move out from my job-sponsored housing and live with two amazingly gracious friends for three weeks. Late August into September was batshit insane between work and closing on our house. We moved into our new home and then had an electrical fire. I won a major award. Then I started getting migraines from sex which, thank G-D!, have gone away on their own. I've finally decided to man up and get a second opinion (update: my 2nd opinion appointment is set for November 11th. Trying not to poop my pants.) I'm not recapping the last two years or anything... this is just in the last five months!

Like I said... we need a vacation. And we're taking one - we're going on a cruise after Thanksgiving!

I have the fun task at work of purchasing supplies for our resident assistants. Since I don't have a purchasing card, I just use my personal credit card and get reimbursed. I have in turn racked up over 20,000 credit card points. My husband has even more than I do (although, I don't know what he's spending that on because he's not getting reimbursed for those purchases... hmmm... *casts suspicious gaze*).

We saw a great deal on a cruise to the Western Caribbean on Norwegian's Dawn of the Seas so we put the whole thing on points. As a result, our 6-day cruise only costs... wait for it...

$20.

We still have to pay airfare, but I we can handle that when our 6-day vacation only costs us 20 bucks!

We'll be making stops in Cozumel and the Grand Cayman Islands. We've never been to Mexico (bring on the margaritas!) and this will be our second cruise. The first was our honeymoon. The great thing is that Dawn of the Seas is as old as our marriage- it was the newest ship in the Norwegian fleet when we were price shopping for our honeymoon cruise and nearly went on it, but settled for the Land/Sea Disney World & Cruise package instead (totally worth it, btw).

We'll be setting sail just as autumn starts making the turn into nasty New England winter... it'll be the perfect way to celebrate Hanukkah- drinking margaritas, gambling in international waters, and maybe snorkeling or touring ancient Mayan ruins. We can't wait!

Anyone else taking a vacation? Or anyone want to just reminisce about an awesome vacation? Feel free to share in the comments :)

RESOLVE-ing to make a difference

I'm so excited that the RESOLVE of New England Annual Conference is in just a few weeks from now! It's amazing to me that last year, Larry and I walked in, wide-eyed, overwhelmed, and still trying to make sense of this daunting path known as infertility.

This year, I'm walking in as a volunteer and Board of Directors member, and Larry's walking in right back with me, also as a volunteer. I talk a little more about my experiences at the Annual Conference blog here and why I'm coming back this year.

I'm also officially inviting every single reader of this blog- no matter where you live- to attend this year's Annual Conference on November 6, 2010 in Marlborough, MA. I know the cost can seem like a lot, but scholarships are available. I should know: it was the only way Larry and I could afford to go last year. I'm telling you: it's totally worth it to attend this conference, if not for the vast array of information, resources, and people you'll meet, but for the sense of hope you'll walk away with at the end of the day.

7 Reasons Why You Should Come to the RESOLVE of New England Annual Conference:
1. Our keynote speaker is Melissa Ford, the ever-fabulous and award-winning author of Stirrup Queens. I'm kind of peeing my pants over the opportunity to meet her in person.

2. Plenty of information if you're considering adoption. The Annual Conference features an adoption track of sessions, including an adoptive and birth parent panel.

3. Plenty of information about IVF and donor egg. Again, a track just for donor egg sessions. We found these programs particularly informative and helpful last year.

4. Consumer access to area vendors. Clinics, adoption agencies, donor egg matching services, pharmacies that specialize in fertility drugs... there are a ton of vendors for you to connect with one-on-one. Whether you're a consumer or an industry professional, it's a great chance to network and gather resources.

5. Raffles! Because who doesn't love a good raffle?

6. New: Ask the Experts panels. Whether you've got questions about adoption, donor egg, your wonky ovaries, your wonky husband, we have a whole series of experts lined up ready to answer your questions from Reproductive Endocrinology, Acupuncture, Men's Perspectives, Nutrition, and more!

7. Come meet me! Not that I'm any kind of main attraction, but it would be awesome to meet some of you fabulous readers and followers IRL.

...So?

What are you waiting for? Register today. And if you are going, please do let me know in the comments - I'd love to meet up and grab lunch together during the Conference!

Giveaway Winners (Finally!)

I've finally had more than an hour to myself and can FINALLY announce the winners of my Big Bloggy IF Giveaway that I feel like I put up ages ago.

Oh right. Because it was ages ago...

All entries were logged into a spreadsheet where each row number corresponded with each entry. I used Random.org's Random Number Generator to select each winner.

Well, thankfully the prizes are non-perishable and they're all still good, so let's get on with it, shall we? And the winners are...

Big Bloggy IF Giveaway Winners!

1. Love and Infertility: Survival Strategies for Balancing Infertility, Marriage, and Life CD by Kristen Magnacca:

Winner: Ashlee Gibson (entry #10)

2. Circle+Bloom Program of Your Choice:

Winner: My Bumpy Journey (entry #46)

3. A pair of my handmade pomegranate earrings:

Winner: Mrs. Farmer (entry #72)

4. One very gently read copy of The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis:

Winner: Aubrey Rose (entry #14)

5. A 15"x15" unframed print of Tranquility by artist Alida Saxon:

Winner: Sonja (entry #60)

Congrats to all of the winners and thanks to everyone who entered!
If you were selected as a winner, I need real names and a mailing address emailed to miriamshope AT gmail DOT com.

Meet Saba & Toro!

Team Zoll has grown this week. I wish I could say it were in human additions, but furbabies are great too!

Say hello to Saba:

And this little dude with Larry is Toro:

We adopted these little lovely boys on Sunday and boy howdy are they a handful. We adopted them from Northeast Animal Rescue, very close to our house. We've been going to the shelter the last few weekends now, telling ourselves we'd wait until our living room was repaired before we adopted cats so they wouldn't chew on exposed wiring and such. And then Saturday, that all went to hell and we decided that we really wanted cats now, so we swung back and laid our eyes on Henry and Hobo (their shelter names) and just couldn't go home without them.

We had to wait until Sunday as we got there a few minutes before they closed on Saturday. I couldn't sleep Saturday night because I was so excited! It was like the night before school. They are 6 months old and were found at 4 weeks in a backyard in Mattapan. They ended up being in foster care for a long time because, like many outdoor strays, they had worms, earmites, and fleas, and developed kitty colds. They'd only been in the shelter maybe 2 weeks, so they are definitely socialized.

We picked their names after a very lengthy discussion Saturday. We wanted to name them something in Japanese, and Larry and I were very amused at the idea of naming them after sushi. Saba means mackerel, a white fish, so that's what we named Henry, the cat with the white belly. Toro means fatty tuna (also, it's delicious) and is a dark red fish, so Hobo, the orange tabby, got that as his new name.

We have them in a safe room (the room that drives me nuts- the craft room/Larry's temp office until the living room and office downstairs are fixed/hopefully nursery in the future) to get them acclimated. It's also for us since we so spontaneously decided to adopt we have to cat-proof the rest of the house. Now, we have a very old house (1791) and the room doesn't really have a lock, and the doors aren't entirely square, so the door doesn't really shut... and of course, they got out last night while I was in the ER (oh, did you like that little gem I threw in there? That's another post) and Larry had to retrieve them. Toro was poking around the laundry area and we're not sure where Saba got to... but once he shook the treat jar, he came running and Larry jerry-rigged them back into the safe room. Once we finish straigtening up and cat-proofing tonight, we'll give them reign of the house (minus the living room) tomorrow night.

Saba and Toro are basically the equivalent of two-year olds: getting into everything, the attention span of gnats, climbing everywhere, pulling and chewing on everything and testing limits. They are quite the handful but very loving, sweet, and both of them have such motors it's hard to believe such tiny creatures can purr that loud!

They're awesome and we love them to death already.

Night of Hope Recap

Night of Hope was simply amazing. Held at the very swanky Guastavino's in New York City on Tuesday, September 28, RESOLVE put on one classy gala celebration. Here are my pics from the night.

The lady in red? That's me. That classy lookin' guy in the suit? That's Larry. The fancy lookin' lady in the black pantsuit? My mom Debbie :) And the two other women holding awards in that picture with me? Those would be (from left) Best Blog winner Julie Robichaux, aka, A Little Pregnant and Best Book winner Pamela Tsigdinos, author of Silent Sorority. Oh! And my 1 pic with a celeb: Alisyn Camerota from FOX and Friends Weekend was the emcee for the evening. All the rest of the details after the cut.

Larry and I left bright and early Tuesday morning after making a quick pitstop to Target so I could pick up an evening bag - a girl's gotta have a complete ensemble! We made it to Brooklyn by lunchtime and met up with a friend of ours and had lunch at the famous/omgdelicious Junior's Deli. They are apparently famous for their cheesecake, but sadly, we didn't sample a slice as we were running short on time and we wanted to save room for dinner (more on that deliciousness later). It was great to catch up with Jen who we hadn't seen since her wedding last year and then we were off into the wilds of NYC streets to get to our hotel.

We stayed at the Marriott East Side, made possible only by cashing in all of Larry's Marriott points. It's basically across the street from the Waldorf Astoria, so you can probably guess as to what a nightly rate might be there. We were given the option of a queen bed on a high floor or a king bed on a lower floor. We thought "higher floor, better view" but instead we were looking at the back of the building and thought, hm, let's splurge for that king room. (Oh we were TOTALLY those guests that went up to the first room and changed our minds.) So as we're waiting for a bellhop to key us into our new room, we notice there's a lot of activity on this new floor. When the bellhop lets us in, he says, "I hope you don't mind the Secret Service guy on the terrace next to your room."

Turns out, Vice President Biden was staying in our hotel for the UN Conference this week. That would explain the unusually large amount of NYPD around the hotel and those guys in suits with ear-pieces in the lobby. And yes, there was a guy on the terrace ledge next to our room scoping out everything. Larry has been on a 24 kick lately so he was all like, "It's just like Jack Bauer!" and I replied "Well, Jack Bauer doesn't need to see me get dressed," and I shut the shade. We then made jokes about the no-fly list and bugs in our room as I hustled to get ready.

What I have failed to mention is that I still hadn't finished writing my speech. I had written a draft in the car that Larry thought was nice, but once we were in the hotel and I read it aloud again, this time without the distraction of the radio and traffic, we both realized it was crap and I had to rewrite it. It was 4pm. The event started at 6pm.

Larry insisted that I not memorize it but I was too rushed to try and write the whole thing down, so I ended up typing it as a doc on my iPhone. I know, I know - nerd. I own up to that. Before we left I raised the shade and the Secret Service guy was gone, like a whisper in the night. Cool... and admittedly creepy too.

Then we rushed to get a cab at 4:30 because I figured there would be road closures and rush hour traffic and... we got to Guastavino's in about 10 minutes. I didn't have to be there until 5:20. I proceded to walk around the block practicing my speech and trying to calm my nerves. Finally, at 5pm we went in. When I checked in, I had a lovely bouquet of roses waiting for me from Dr. Lawrence Nelson. He and I have been in touch the last few months and he was scheduled to attend but couldn't at the last minute. It was a really sweet gesture. I was greeted right away by people who knew me by face from my video and as I walked around, I realized that more people there would know me from my video than I would know them... it was a very strange realization and I suddenly felt like I was under a microscope.

As effervescent as I can appear to be in public, it can still be a challenge to mix and mingle for me, especially where the ratio of personal recognition did not favor me in the least. Suddenly, I got VERY nervous for the rest of the night.

I was relieved then, after a quick walkthrough of the stage area upstairs, to see my mom standing with Larry when I came back downstairs. She looked radiant! We got ourselves some cocktails and had a seat. As more folks came in, I said hi to colleagues and finally got to meet several people I had only met online or over the phone - it was great to finally meet these folks in person (like Julie & Pamela). I even managed to stumble a very awkward hello and introduction to Sherri Shepherd, one of the hostesses of The View who was there to accept the Hope Award for Achievement on their behalf that evening. (Her speech, by the way, was hysterical and poignant: "We didn't have insurance so we put the whole IVF cycle on our Amex. Now we have like, 400,000 Sky Miles thanks to our son!")

The evening got underway with a special video message from Guiliana and Bill Rancic as they couldn't be present to accept their award. I had no clue who they were (and still kind of don't because I never watched The Apprentice or E! News) until I looked them up on my phone that night. But apparently, they have a new reality show debuting next Monday on the Style Network that chronicles both their relationship and their infertility journey. In fact, I just watched the teaser trailer online and now I'm all teary-eyed! It looks to be the kind of awareness-building show our community needs right now.

Dinner was delish: flat-iron steak, grilled asparagus, stuffed potatoes, and a delicious salad. And of course: wine. I had to slow down on the cocktails because I hadn't eaten too much and I didn't want to be sloshed when I went to accept my award. (Although, it certainly helped calm my nerves.) At the last minute, I decided to write out my speech and began frantically copying it onto the back of my logistics sheet with the awards order and room layout guide I got when I checked in. Then, it was go time.

I got up one award before mine and waited in the holding area. Jeff Silsbee, Marketing Leader for Merck Pharmaceuticals, would do my introduction. We had a minute to chat before going up and he said it was great to meet me in person after seeing my video. During his intro speech, he mentioned that his team at Merck was very moved by seeing my video. I was floored. I had no idea it had been seen by the Fertility Marketing team of a major pharmaceutical company. They showed a 60 second clip of my video and it was so strange to see a) the video and b) myself on the big screen (two big screens actually). I felt like someone unleashed a whole net of butterflies into my stomach and throat as I was called up to the stage.

Click here to see the full video of my entire award acceptance, including my speech.

The whole 7 minutes from introduction until I came down from the stage felt like a blink. Before I knew it, I was back in my seat hugging my mom and kissing Larry. Afterward we headed to the dessert reception, where I barely ate as person after person came up to me to bestow congratulations and compliments. I am certainly grateful for all of the well wishes; I was just very overwhelmed and VERY out of my element. Thank G-d for Larry- he's a schmoozer by nature- so he helped me work the room and reminded me to hand out my business cards. I got to talk more at length with Jeff; I met Jennifer Redmond of Fertility Authority and we chatted about my possibly writing for them soon; Preya Shivdat, founder of Fertile Dreams, a grant-giving non-profit for couples struggling with IF; and had a very interesting conversation with Dr. Ali Domar of the Domar Mind/Body Center - she's inspired me to seek a second opinion of my diagnosis; I met fellow awardees Renee Whitley and Lee Rubin Collins, both very inspiring women who take advocacy to its highest levels in the US.

I'm sure there were lots and lots more fantastic people that I met, but honestly, the night was such a blur it's hard to remember everyone. If we did meet and forgot to exchange cards, please do feel free to email me, find me on Facebook or Twitter. All those handy links are on my sidebars.

In all, it was a simply gala evening and I enjoyed myself immensely. Thank you so much to RESOLVE for hosting such a wonderful event and for this incredible honor you've bestowed on me. Now I have a very pretty (and very heavy!) crystal award vase to proudly display on one of the four hearths we have in our new home.

...Although, as Julie and I were joking, we might use them for snack storage. Yanno, just eat some M&Ms out of it from time to time.

Larry is convinced Night of Hope is my tipping point. Tipping into what... I'm not sure yet. But I hope it's toward big opportunities, a chance to raise awareness and to continue my advocacy, and hopefully, somewhere soon down this path - towards building our family.

Video Clip: Night of Hope

Night of Hope was simply amazing. I'll have a more detailed post in the next couple of days, but here is the footage of me accepting the Hope Award for Best Viral Video last night.


Keiko Zoll at Night of Hope 2010 from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

More details and pics soon - promise! Congrats again to all of the awardees and thank you again RESOLVE, for this incredible honor.

Gearing Up for Night of Hope

Night of Hope is tomorrow night, sponsored by RESOLVE. I've got the dress. I've got the shoes. And more importantly, I've got the Award (well, at least on paper - no plaque yet).

Then why do I feel so woefully unprepared for tomorrow night? Why am I so nervous?

I've always been a pretty confident public speaker, extemporaneous or prepared. If I need to get up and do a dog and pony show for people, I'm your gal. I make it happen. Hell, I've got a beauty title and a perfomance at Carnegie Hall under my belt - all before the age of 18. In an alternate universe, Keiko Zoll is a world-reknowned opera star. Needless to say, I don't really have a problem getting up in front of people.

For tomorrow night, I've got a minute and a half to say any remarks once I receive my award. I've known since July that I received this award. And yet... I still haven't written an acceptance speech. Why is this so hard? Why am I so petrified about tomorrow night?

There is the chance for celebs to be there, true- Night of Hope is being emcee'd by Fox and Friends Weekend Anchor, Alisyn Camerota amd The View has been awarded The Hope Award for Achievement. Could I be hobnobbing with Barbara Walters? Maybe... I don't know! But the possibility both thrills and terrifies me.

Me, who's performed five times in "The Vagina Monologues," talking about lady bits in front of complete strangers - is nervous about possibly bumping into the ladies of The View.

I'm excited, don't get me wrong. A whirlwind 48 hours staying in a ritzy Manhattan hotel (hooray for Larry's Marriott points!) and spending the day with my mom. Getting all dolled up. And oh, receiving the Hope Award for Best Viral Video. It's been a slow day at work today and I've had a hard time concentrating because I am so excited. And I'm nervous too. It's getting down to the wire and I really need to write my acceptance speech.

But before I say anything tomorrow night:

Thank you - each and every one of you who read my blog, who watched my video, who forwarded it to their friends and colleagues and sisters and daughters and friends, who posted it to Facebook, your blog, Twitter, and all those corners of the internet.

I could have never won a Viral Video Award if it didn't go viral, and I have every single person who hit play to thank for that.

Thank you for watching, reading, advocating, sharing, and above all else:

Thanks for not giving up hope.

I'll be tweeting and prolly twitpic-ing my way through the event tomorrow, so make sure to follow @miriamshope for a little live-tweeting throughout the night. And if I meet any celebs, you better believe there will be pics! You can also check out other live-tweeters by following #nightofhope.

It's going to be a great night and even though I'm nervous, I can't wait. Wish me luck folks.

A little self-nourishment

Ironically enough, I'm writing this as I have a little post-lunch munchies. *reaches for a granola bar* (Baruch ata ", borei minei mezonot for those of you playing along at home.)

I got to work 20 minutes early this morning, after running out of time to finish getting ready before I left home an hour earlier. So I painted my nails a shiny hot pink - a bold and unexpected color choice for me... still not sure if I like it yet.

My hair was down for the first half of the day, washed, airdryed and combed. It now rests in a soft, loose ponytail rather than in a tightly-wound still wet from my morning shower bun or hair claw.

I'm wearing a very cute new navy blue carigan with flowers on the lapel, a new ruffled tank top, and new brown peep toe flats. I bought these randomly on Tuesday night because, well, I thought they were all cute and I wanted them.

For breakfast I at a hardboiled egg I had made before I went to bed. For lunch, leftover Japanese curry my husband made for dinner last night and a salad with homemade Asian vinaigrette (mirin, rice vinegar, light and hot sesame oils, soy sauce, and black sesame seeds). And rasberries and vanilla Greek yogurt.

Right now? 15 minutes to myself at work to just breathe, write this post, and maybe take 5 minutes to walk outside and get some fresh air.

Tonight: dinner with friends at a new restaurant nearby and then back to work for 2 hours for an RA program. I'm looking forward to my commute home much later this evening so I can listen to the second chapter of Stieg Larsson's The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.

Sunday: a haircut and style for $29 at a Newbury Street salon because my husband so thoughtfully passed on a Groupon deal to me and said, "You should buy this and treat yourself. You deserve it."

He's right: I do deserve it. Sometimes it's just good to be a little selfish, take a little me-time, and treat yourself once in a while. It's so easy to keep putting off that me time and say, "I don't have time for that now. I have more important things." Well, I'm important too. If I don't take this time, then it'll be gone before I know it.

I've been making more of a commitment to both eat healthier and save some money by bringing healthy, filling lunches from home. If it means taking 20 minutes the night before to put it together, it's worth it the next day when I feed myself good things and don't break the bank by ordering pizza again.

It's about nourishing myself: not just body, but spirit. I said to Larry last night how I felt weird about my new suburban routine: get up nearly 2 hours earlier than I used to, shower, get dressed, have an hour commute to work, work all day, hour commute home, take a little time for myself, eat dinner, make my lunch for the next day, clean the kitchen, straighten up, check the weatehr and lay out next day's clothes, relax for a bit, bed. Get up at 6:30am, lather, rinse, repeat.

So if I take a few minutes to primp myself (haven't gotten to full on makeup before work... still not THAT motivated) or finally start using our Audible credits and listening to audiobooks on my commute to/from work, or even splurge on a couple of new clothes and some nail polish - all of this just to break up this new monotony, well, there it is. I'm doin' it.

What on earth does this have to do with infertility?

Take 5 minutes for yourself. Paint your nails. Make yourself a nice lunch. Give yourself a foot soak in the tub and lotion your feet afterward. Buy that cute top. Get up from your desk at work and go for a 5 minute walk outside. Nourish yourself.

I'll say it again: nourish yourself. Savor the feeling of doing something good for yourself, even if it's just 5 minutes in a busy day or an hour in a busy week. We can get so bogged down in all the craziness of treatment and homestudies and lawyers and needles and dumb FB posts from friends and disappointment and blood tests and waiting and loss of control that well...

It's enough to drive you crazy.

So nourish yourself. Feed your spirit.

It'll be that spirit that carries you along the next step in your journey, that pulls you up from the dark places, that dusts off your shoulders and says, "Alright, let's do this."

L'shana tova, 5771!

Photo by Ron Almog via Flickr.

Apples dipped in honey: the sweetest treat, savored as we welcome the new Jewish year. The calendar turns again. I have lived my whole life by the academic calendar, so as the wind picks up just the slightest chill, as the calendar flips from August into September, I can't help but think of school supplies and apples with honey.

The sweetness of beginnings.

We are moved into our new house- not settled as there are boxes everywhere- but moved in, keys in hand, mezuzah affixed. It was a rough closing day (details in another post), but in the end, it's our house. OUR house! It still feels strange to say. Even though we moved in just this past Friday, it still feels a bit like a foreign place. Bit by bit, we'll start to make it feel like home.

In these few hours as 5770 winds to a close, I am thankful and grateful for the year of abundance we have been granted: Larry's job, my raise, our house, our amazing trip to Japan last October, my niece... when 5769 rained nothing but heartache and pain on us, 5770 showered us with blessings.

As we approach a new year, as we stand here facing 5771, this is the year of responsibility and committment. We owe it to the abundant grace of this past year.

Tonight we celebrate the new year with friends. I've got 2 loaves of challah in my car ready to bring over and from there we head to services. I bought myself a red cardigan for the occasion: red, the color of apples, pomegranates, fertility, joy.

Tomorrow: services with friends, then a trip to IKEA, as we desperately need a kitchen cart to provide more counterspace. We are loving our home. I'm covered in bumps and bruises as I get used to new bannisters, corners, and layouts. I'm a little exhausted from not sleeping that great: I never sleep well in new environments. I'm intrigued to learn more about the original owner of the home from 1846, whose presence is still very much in these walls and halls.

I want to fill this house with things, yes, but I want to fill this house with memories more.

I am truly humbled entering into this new year. We're super excited to own our own home. It is an increasingly rarer priviledge in this day and age, so I am constantly thankful and grateful for this blessing. I'm still getting used to the idea that this house is actually ours.

This home. It's not just a house.

Home sweet home.

And a sweet New Year to you all.

L'shanah tovah tikatev v'taihatem.

As a new chapter begins in our lives, may you each be inscribed and sealed for another year.

A September Return

Photo by Andreanna Moya Photography via Flickr.

...And I'm back folks. Did you miss me? Here, follow me past the cut to see what I've been up to the last month.

Our freshmen are moved in. Our returning students come back this weekend. The wheel of the academic year turns again. Every August, I go into hibernation - my online and IRL social lives take a complete backseat to my work. Since August 10th, my days have looked something like this:

7:00am - Wake up, shower.
7:30am - Leave for work. Take a new route nearly every day based on my GPS w/traffic reports.
8:30am - Arrive at work. Briefly check email and inhale breakfast.
9:00am - RD or RA Training Sessions. Squeeze in lunch at noon if I can.
5:00pm - Dinner.
6:00pm - Late night training sessions or staying late to finish more work for hall opening.
7:30pm - Leave for "home."
8:00pm - Get home, change, snack or eat dinner, watch a little TV or nap.
10:30pm - Bed.

Lather, rinse, repeat. I've worked every day since August 22, including weekends. Tomorrow will be my first day off since then. To say I'm exhausted is a bit of an understatement... but you know what? I'm really proud of the work I've put into training this year, and really happy with what I'm doing. For the first time since moving to Massachusetts, I'm in a really good place in my career. It's weird to say career - this isn't a just job anymore.

. . .

Tonight is the last night we are staying with wonderfully generous friends of ours in Peabody. They have been gracious enough to take in our hobo selves since August 15th. It's nearly 1:30am, and despite working a 12 hour day today, I can't sleep. I'm unusually hyper.

I'm reminded of Christmas Eve.

...Tomorrow, we close on our house at 1pm.

After two extensions and literally acres of paperwork emailed, faxed, and hand-delivered... we are a go for tomorrow. I can't believe we're less than 12 hours away from being homeowners! No wonder I can't sleep. I'm just so damn excited.

. . .

I took a very long shower this evening. A between the toes, behind the ears, shampoo AND conditioner kind of shower. I was reminded of just a few years ago, this same kind of shower as I prepared for my conversion mikveh. As strange as it might sound, immersion in the ritual bath requires the person to wash every square inch of skin, every strand of hair - it's part of the act of ritual purification.

I'm not a long shower taker. I've got it down to a routine: shampoo, body wash, face wash. Sometimes brushing my teeth gets thrown in there. But I'm in and out of the shower in about 15 minutes, tops. So when I take these longer showers, it's because I like that time to just relax and have me time. I think - a lot.

Sometimes it's me and G-d time. Like that moment before the mikveh.

I find that before I take a next big step in my life, before I dip my toes into these rushing waters of life - it's just me, the running water on my face and hair, silence, and G-d: humbled, naked, and restored.

. . .

Regular posts next week. Lots more stuff to talk about. Winners of the giveaway announced next week. Hurricane's a-comin' - not sure yet what's in store for Salem. And this time tomorrow, I'll be in our house.

It's good to be back.