An Open Letter to PETA

Ingrid E. Newkirk, President
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals
501 Front St.
Norfolk, VA 23510

Dear Ms. Newkirk,

I grew up listening to Bob Barker reminding me to "always spay or neuter your pets" at the end of each episode of The Price is Right. It's a responsible action to take as a pet-owner, something I've done for each of the four cats my husband and I have rescued from shelters over the years. I can support campaigns to promote spay/neuter programs, as it's something all pet-owners really should be doing anyway. Organizations like the ASPCA have even established mobile and transport spay/neuter programs to reach pet-owners in urban communities, an example of a great community-based program to give pet-owners the access they need to spay/neuter care for their animals.

What I can't support, however, is your latest media-sensationalizing-ready "Win a Vasectomy" campaign offering a free vasectomy to a man who has his pet spayed or neutered during the month of April:



It's not that I take issue with offering a vasectomy as a contest prize, rather, that this entire publicity stunt is in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week.

As you so tactfully state:

Human overpopulation is crowding out animal life on the planet, and dog and cat overpopulation is creating a euthanasia crisis that is a crying shame. Disappearing wilderness, vanishing water resources, and pollution is the price that future generations will pay for more human births...

I recognize that PETA has never been a bastion for balanced, non-violent promotion for the ethical treatment of animals. Your "Win a Vasectomy" campaign in honor of a federally recognized health observance, however, takes your subtle PR approaches to an astoundingly new low.

Why has PETA chosen to exclusively recognize National Infertility Awareness Week? By your logic, if we're to curb human overpopulation, we should be more aware of high mortality rates and causes. Why not American Heart Month in February? Why not Breast Cancer Awareness Month in October? After all, heart disease and cancer are the two leading causes of death in the United States. Why not honor those Awareness Months (and thus those leading causes of mortality) by offering assisted suicides for patients who spay and neuter their pets?

Perhaps I've spoken too plainly. Perhaps poking fun at cancer and heart disease patients to promote your cause isn't the best PR strategy. In fact, it would appear that PETA even supports and awards the work of those in the breast cancer research community. You even said so yourself: "Anyone who wants to see a cure for breast cancer in our lifetime should support this forward-thinking program." So I guess finding cures for cancer is something PETA supports, even though you've said publicly: "We are named People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. There are plenty of other groups that worry about the humans.''

Now that I've had a chance to really process this, I think I've figured it out now: it's not that PETA wants people to die; rather, they shouldn't be born in the first place. And what better way to do this than to celebrate and honor National Infertility Awareness Week by enabling "one lucky man" to be "reproduction-free, free of charge, just like his pooch or feline friend."

I think your meaning is finally crystal-clear to me. PETA has decided that it's acceptable to ridicule, devalue, and trivialize the infertility patient community experience in the name of promoting responsible pet-ownership. By your logic, infertility patients deserve the diagnoses handed to them because we simply shouldn't be having children in the first place. The planet is crowded enough. Our infertility is justified.

It's okay to have a laugh at the expense of the infertility community because they shouldn't be having babies anyway: what a fantastic PETA promotional message. Your "Win a Vasectomy" campaign is tactless, arrogant, hurtful, damaging, insensitive and disgusting.

I guess I'm just a little confused since your organization is focused on the ethical treatment of animals, yet you seem to have a pretty strong opinion worrying about human concerns like overpopulation, or even taking the time to award progressive breast cancer research groups. I mean, you said so yourself- there are plenty of other groups to worry about the humans.

Ms. Newkirk, as someone living "reproduction-free" for the last two years, I can tell you that our patient community experience is not justified nor deserved. While you're offering "one lucky man" the choice to live "reproduction-free," I didn't have that choice. My one remaining ovary stopped functioning and my hopes to ever have my own genetic children were taken away from me without my consent. Overpopulation or not, I still have the right to parent and to seek medical treatment for my infertility. To say that my diagnosis is somehow deserved or justified in the name of population reduction is not only an affront to me personally, but to the 7.3 million other men and women who live with this disease daily in the United States.

RESOLVE, the National Infertility Association and the responsible organization for National Infertility Awareness Week, has dedicated this year's focus to busting infertility myths. Ironically enough, by choosing to honor NIAW with your "Win a Vasectomy" campaign, you've helped to perpetuate many infertility myths in the process. It would behoove you and the members of your organization to perhaps do your homework before initiating such media-ready PR campaigns, but then again, I suppose that was the point.

Unfortunately, even bad press is still press, so I'm hoping my readers will post about their outrage on Facebook linking instead to this post, posts of their own, or the screenshot of the page rather than linking directly to the "Win a Vasectomy" page at PETA. When the success of a publicity campaign is measured in pageviews, it's important that the infertility community keeps your organization from receiving those pageviews in the first place.

It's unfortunate that you launched this campaign at the expense of any kind of financial support from our 7.3 million-strong patient community. I will encourage all of my friends, family, readers, and followers who have previously supported PETA in the past to instead make a donation to RESOLVE in support of National Infertility Awareness Week and ask them to do the same to their family, friends, and readers. I will also encourage them to email you directly at ingridn@peta.org with their outrage over your latest campaign and to share your email address with those who share their concerns.

Perhaps if your organization bothered to treat their fellow humans with respect, dignity, and ethics, more people would do the same for animals.

Signed,
Keiko Zoll
Emailed on April 5, 2011

---

Are you as pissed off as I am? Here's what you can do:

1. Email Ingrid Newkirk, PETA President, directly at ingridn@peta.org to express your outrage.
2. Make a donation to RESOLVE in Ingrid Newkirk's name.
3. Bust a myth for National Infertility Awareness Week.
4. Write your own blog post expressing your outrage, tweet about it or Facebook it. Just don't link directly to the page to rob PETA of pageviews. Here's a handy screenshot instead.

Infertility Ain't No Joke

It may be April Fool's Day, but infertility ain't no joke.

My favorite meme on the intarwebs right now.

Let's tell it like it is, shall we?

• Infertility affects 1 out of every 8 couples in the US. Worldwide, the World Health Organization estimates that as of data through 2002, infertility affects as many as 1 in 4 ever-married women of reproductive age in most developing countries (source).
• Infertility can cause as much stress, anxiety and grief as having been diagnosed with cancer or the loss of a loved one. It's not just a disease; it's a major life crisis (source). 
• Only 15 states in the US currently mandate insurance coverage for infertility treatments. 
• Infertility is culturally misunderstood largely due to media bashing, sensationalization, and minsinformation. (Click each link to read more about specific examples.)

As a result, there are a myriad of myths out there surrounding infertility and ultimately, we run into these myths throughout our journeys. Sometimes we can just roll our eyes when we hear them: "Just relax!" Other myths can deeply hurt us: "Infertile people should get the hint and stop being so selfish."

Anyone else feel like they need to clear the air in the room and set some things straight?

. . . 

As I mentioned last week, RESOLVE's National Infertility Awareness Week, starting just 23 days from now. They have an excellent Bloggers Unite project this year: Bust a Myth!

It's kind of like Bust a Move, but with less Young MC.

We know the myths. We hear them all the time. So this year, RESOLVE is asking bloggers to pick a myth from their list or write about their own. Reflect on the myth and then BUST IT in your blog post. Publish your busted myth post between April 24th and 30th, and your blog will be eligible for the Hope Award for Best Blog at RESOLVE's Night of Hope Awards!

To find out more information on how you can participate, check out the Bust a Myth Bloggers Unite project page here.

. . .

I can't be all doom and gloom for April Fool's Day. If you're looking for a laugh about infertility, head on over to Infertile Naomi's 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility. Naomi reminds us of something rather important, no matter where we are in our journeys: "Infertility itself is not very funny but when life hands you lemons, make some fertile lemonade!"

Infertility and Raising Awareness

We are more than our infertility. 

When we think of infertility, sometimes we think about all the things it has taken away from us: our fertility, our sense of control in our lives and of our bodies, sometimes even our hopes and plans. Infertility can make us weary, stressed, sad, numb, frustrated, jaded, angry, confused, scared, restless... the list goes on. For some, infertility leaves a sense of emptiness inside them. For others, infertility is less a sense of emptiness but more of a constant reminder that shadows them wherever they go.

I have said this on multiple occasions and I'll say it again: we are more than our infertility.

Often, when I speak of my own infertility journey, I start with saying "Infertility has robbed us of the chance to build our family the old-fashioned way." It's true. That chance was in fact stolen from me. Yet it hasn't left me empty, even if at first it felt that way. And I don't feel like infertility is chasing on my heels, a shadow I can't escape, rather, it's colored my vision and the way I look at the world. Infertility has changed me as a person, but I am not defined by my infertility.

I think this is due largely to my involvement with RESOLVE, particularly with advocacy and raising awareness. I've written before that I fit very much the definition of a wounded healer, that from my place of pain I am able to turn around and help others. A lot of this is probably personality but I think a good portion of this is simply part of my healing process. And I won’t lie: it kills the time while we wait to begin our own family building process.

Raising awareness and advocating for infertility treatment, coverage, and research has given me back a lot of the things that felt taken from me. I feel like I’ve regained a sense of control and that I’m engaged in meaningful, purpose-driven work. A couple of weeks ago, I was telling my husband how I was sorry I’m not the same woman he married three years ago. “Infertility has made me a different woman,” I said.

“It’s true. You’ve changed,” he said, without hesitation. I turned to look at him. “But you’re a stronger woman because of it.”

I carried a lot of shame for that first year after my diagnosis. After creating my video for National Infertility Awareness Week last year, it was as if that veil of embarrassment and guilt was lifted from me. I spoke with confidence: “My name is Keiko Zoll, I’m 26 years old, happily married, and living with infertility.” That confidence has only grown and yes, I am a different person – a stronger, more passionate person who’s ready to take on the challenges facing our community and advocate for change.

I know advocacy isn’t for everyone, but I can’t deny how much of a positive impact is has not only made on our journey, but in my life.

There are two ways you can raise awareness and advocate for change coming up in the next two months. One requires very active, direct interactions with legislators while the other can be more passive, from the comfort of your favorite blogging platform.

Less than a month from today, RESOLVE is sponsoring National Infertility Awareness Week 2011, from April 24 – 30th. There are a variety of events happening around the country, and you can host your own event too. Or, if you’d like a more passive approach, check out this year’s Bust a Myth Infertility Blog Challenge. Pick an infertility myth and blog about it – it’s that simple! All entries will then be eligible for RESOLVE Hope Award for Best Blog at their annual Night of Hope Awards.

With all of the misinformation and misunderstanding about infertility out there, this is a perfect opportunity to raise awareness and pave the way for change. You might even use it as an opportunity to “out” yourself to others- daunting and not for everyone, I know – but still a perfect chance to show people how 1 in 8 is not only someone they know, but someone just like you.

If you’re feeling particularly inspired and fired up, you can also participate in RESOLVE’s Advocacy Day on Thursday, May 5th. With RESOLVE’s training and guidance, you can meet with legislators on Capitol Hill to speak about why Congress needs to care about infertility and to legislate wisely when it comes to reproductive healthcare and mandated healthcare coverage. Can’t make it to Washington D.C.? No problem! RESOLVE will help set up appointments for you with legislators in your state and local districts.

I realize how intimidating this might sound, but others just like you have done it (Stirrup Queen, Body Diaries by Lucy, and A Little Pregnant, to name a few) and after the initial jitters, feel exhilarated at having taken such a bold step in infertility advocacy. To quote the ever fabulous Julie over at A Little Pregnant, "I don't really know what to say about Advocacy Day except that I have never had a more empowering moment as an infertile person." How is that not inspiring to get involved?

I’m planning to go to Advocacy Day myself this year for the first time. I can’t make it to D.C., but I can certainly take a day off of work to meet with legislators here in Mass. and thank them for their support and provide them with further education. Honestly, it’s the least I can do for having the privilege to live in state with mandated coverage.

Infertility and raising awareness, advocating for change: it’s good for the soul. It feeds us with passion and purpose. We regain some of that control we’ve lost. We see our infertility less as a limit of who we could have been and more of an opportunity of what we can become and the change we can make in the world. Raising awareness and advocating for change helps to support our infertility brothers and sisters-in-arms.

In the end, we come out stronger because of it.

---

This post is part of About.com’s Health Channel Fertility Blog Carnival hosted by Rachel Gurevich, author of infertility.about.com.

A Belly Full of Fire: A 5-Part Series on Infertilty Advocacy

This week into next, I'm going to get up on my soapbox and talk about something that has really shaped and defined my life in the last few months: infertility advocacy. I invite you to read along and follow this five-part series as it posts each weekday between today and next Wednesday. (And yes, it's deliberately timed with this month's ICLW.) So take a seat and get comfy - I'm not one for brevity when it comes to topics about which I am passionate. Prepare to do a little digging in your soul to find out what moves you, what drives you - what fuels the fire in your belly.

---

"We are being ignored."
-Barbara Collura, Executive Director of RESOLVE

"If you're not going to fight for yourselves, how is anyone else going to fight for you?" -Debbie Wasserman Schultz (D–Fla.)

---

A Belly Full of Fire, Part One: Advocate or Abdicate

If you haven't read SELF Magazine's article on infertility in their August issue, do me a favor: click on this link, open it in a new tab or window and read in its entirety after you read this post. When I first read it earlier this week, I felt like I had been punched right in the stomach, my eyes bulging, my face red and contorting as all the air escaped from my lungs. Had I been doing all of this advocacy work for nothing?

When I tell people that no, I don't do infertility advocacy for a living, they are shocked. This blog, RESOLVE of New England, my video- I do it all in my free time. I work for a small private college in the housing department. My days are spent dealing with roommate conflicts, programming forms from RAs, and developing a comprehensive new First Year Experience program for our incoming freshmen this fall. I'm in this line of work because that's where my non-committal communications degree lead me. Between working 35 hours a week and devoting every waking hour to my advocacy efforts, I have be blunt with y'all: it's exhausting. I have been running myself ragged for the last couple of months, but I do it because advocacy is vital. Advocacy feeds my soul.

Advocacy is necessary because of the veil of shame and silence that surrounds the 7.3 million people in this country who cope with infertility every day. Jennifer Wolff Perrine raises this same question in her article for SELF: "It’s a strange dichotomy: how can a health issue that gets so much ink be shrouded in silence?"

Infertility is a sexy media topic right now, one that has been taking a substantial amount of heat recently. Take for example yesterday's article in Newsweek: Should IVF Be Affordable for All? After the Nadya Suleman fiasco, celebrity gossip surrounding stars like Celine Dion, damaging trite portrayals in Hollywood like Jennifer Lopez's The Back-up Plan and the public's critical gaze on affordable healthcare in a gloomy economy, this Newsweek article just adds more fuel to the fire of opposition on infertility treatment coverage:

Whether infertility should be classified as a disease or a socially constructed need is a dilemma at the center of this debate... A complicating factor, according to St. Luke’s (Dr. Sherman) Silber, is that up to 80 percent of infertility cases are caused simply by increasing maternal age. “It’s hard to call infertility a disease. It’s normal aging,” he says.

Dr. Silber, I hate to argue with an MD, but infertility IS a disease. Just ask the World Health Organization: "This recognition from WHO of infertility as a disease represents a significant milestone for the condition." (Source.) With distorted media images of wanton career-driven thirtysomethings and desperate perimenopausal women salivating to have their own baby bump, Silber's statement is not only inaccurate, but irresponsible as a cited expert in the field. Thank you Dr. Silber, for setting back 25+ years of hard work in the infertility advocacy movement.

With all of the vitriol being directed by the media at infertility- its patients, its treatment, and its very validity as recognized medical disease- our advocacy efforts are needed now more than ever.

And it requires infertility patients to take the biggest, most difficult step of their journey. Infertility patients need to start speaking out publicly.

Look, I'll tell you right now: it's not easy to come out of the infertility closet. I was diagnosed on March 18, 2009. The first phone call was to my husband. That evening, we called both our of parents and I called my sister. Two weeks later I sent out an email to two dozen of our closest friends explaining the situation and shared the link to this blog. If infertilty was the new game, I wanted it to be played by my rules. Not once have my friends judged me, asked "so when are you having kids" or told us to relax. We receive a bevy of advice- some helpful, some not- but always extremely well-intentioned and expressed with sensitivity and compassion.

I know Larry and I are the extreme example in this case. I know there are plenty of couples who do not have this same level of support. But you'll never know if you don't try. To this day, I don't regret ever telling friends that I was infertile.

Not only did we find out just who indeed were the folks that cared about us, but just how much they cared. When I uploaded my video and finally blasted it out across the internet, people I never thought would bat an eyelash came out of the woodwork to tell me their stories, to thank me for being so brave to put my name and face out there with this label. I was floored. People I had worked with, gone to high school with, a friend of friend... they picked up on that energy and finally felt comfortable enough to share their stories with me.

I asked in my video: "What if I stopped hiding behind my fear? What if my story can help millions?"

If my story- this one little random woman from Boston- could touch hundreds and hundreds of people (seriously: there are hundreds of emails in my inbox and I'm still getting emails and comments from people who have come across my video)...

Could you imagine if we had 100 people willing to publicly speak out about their experience with infertility? What if we had 1,000 people running a 5K charity race? 10,000 people marching on Washington?

Grassroots advocacy is there for our taking right in front of us and we as a patient community cannot get out from behind our own self-imposed sense of shame and silence.

Oh yeah, I totally just said that.

But so does the SELF Magazine article. Wolff Perrine writes:

Women's silence hurts more than themselves. It ensures that infertility remains an anonymous epidemic, with less funding and research than other common medical problems receive.

She cites Lindsay Beck, founder of Fertile Hope:

Because no one wants to discuss infertility, "nothing gets done about it," says Lindsay Beck, ..."Infertility is where breast cancer was in the 1970s—completely in the closet... For the average fertility patient, there is no united front."

And as a patient community, we're shooting ourselves in the foot when even those who successfully resolve their infertility choose not to acknowledge their past pain:

However someone resolves her infertility, the tendency is to want to put her struggles behind her. "People want to forget," says Collura of RESOLVE... "We do our damnedest to instill in our members that they need to take a stand and help the cause or the same thing is going to happen to the women who come after them."

Infertile couples who have found resolution owe it to their children to speak out, to own their disease and walk with it even after they have beaten it.

So what's an infertile to do?

Take the pledge. Start using your real name. Share your blogs with your family and friends. Talk to the media. Call your legislators. Volunteer with your local chapter of RESOLVE. Write grant proposals. Stop caring about what other people think and instead focus on what other people can do to help.

Ladies and gentlemen: I give you "advocacy in a nutshell." No seriously - that's really all that it is. You don't have to have your advanced degree in public health. Patient activism is pretty simple: just tell everyone your story and why it matters.

If all of this seems like too much, then just start by going to RESOLVE's website and take the pledge to do something. RESOLVE says it best: "It's time to stop, look, listen and act. It's time to pay attention." Then get your support network of friends and families to take the pledge. Don't be embarrassed - just send those emails and I'm sure you'll be surprised to see who's willing to stand by your side in solidarity.

Our stories are long overdue to be heard by the public. But we have to tell our stories out loud if they're ever going to be heard.

The bubble of silence, shame, and ignorance surrounding infertility is ready to burst.

Either we publicly advocate for ourselves or we abdicate the right to demand change.

. . . . .

If this post has moved you, please share it online: tweet it, Facebook it, blog about it... This is how a grassroots movement begins.

Today I wrote about why advocacy matters on the community level. Tomorrow I'll talk about why advocacy matters on a more personal, healing level for infertility patients. Stay tuned for A Belly Full of Fire, Part Two: The Wounded Healer.

Photo by Natalie Lucier via Flickr.

Team RESOLVE Choice Awards: Best Infertility Blog & Book

The annual RESOLVE Night of Hope recognizes leaders making strides in the infertility fields, from doctors, nurses, and clinics to advocates, researchers, and employers. Hope Awards are given in a variety of categories, for Service, Advocacy, and Innovation, to name a few. There are also two awards voted on by the community: Best Infertility Blog and Best Infertility Book. Excerpts from each nominee in each category are available. Voting ends this Thursday, so make sure you go vote now, and spread the word via Twitter, Facebook, your own blog, and wherever else you post. It's an incredible award and I know the very deserving nominees would appreciate your votes!

The Best IF Blogs were selected from over 185 entries to Melissa Ford and RESOLVE's collaborative blog project during National Infertility Awareness Week back in April. #ProjectIF asked ALI bloggers to put their "What IFs?" of infertility out there, and then answer those questions. From those response posts, five blogs were chosen as nominees for the Best Blog category. Their What IF posts, and I have read each of them- are powerful, moving, relatable, beautiful. Do take the time to read them before you vote.

The Best IF Books were selected by nominations from the ALI community. A call from RESOLVE was put out for Best Book, and bloggers, readers, and everyone in between submitted their favorites for RESOLVE to select five nominees. Excerpts of each book are externally linked from the voting website- again, really great nominees and totally worth the read and vote. I have a couple of books now to add to my reading list this summer.

By voting, you're helping to support not only an organization that does so much for our community, but helping to recognize those leaders within that community that stand out and have made substantial contributions to the community as well.  Like submitting news to the LFCA, voting for the Team RESOLVE Choice Awards is just good karma in the ALI blogosphere.

Have I inspired you enough? Well, get out there and vote already! ^_^

June ICLW: Elementally Speaking

Howdy! Thanks for stopping by for June's ICLW. (Learn more about the ICLW here and see how you can sign up for next month.) I've got a few previous ICLW intro posts to get you up to speed: ABC's of Me (November 2009), April 2010, and May 2010. For this month's intro, I think I'll try something a little different: looking at my life right now through the Four Elements. Intrigued?

The Four Elements of Me

Earth: What Grounds Me ~ Roots and Foundation
+ My husband, Larry: totally my rock, my love, my soulmate. We've been married for 2 and a half years. We were high school sweethearts from 1997... do the math. We've been together a long time and are still madly in love with one another.
+ My family: My mom, my papa, my sister Jasmine and her husband Neal - these are my core. Then Larry's mom, dad, and sister - just as much family as my own blood. And soon, probably sometime this week: Willow! My niece-to-be, the first grandchild, the little darling we've been waiting 9 months to meet. You can count on a post about her later this week since my sister will be induced on Friday :)
+ My faith: I'm Jewish. But I put an equal amount of faith in the goodness of humanity, the beauty that surrounds us daily we often take for granted, and in the sovereignty and power of the collective creativity of women. I ground myself by redefining the world around me, and walking forward with faithful steps in the world I've created.

Water: What Moves Me ~ Transition and Flow
+ My health: it's been in a varying state of flux. I have premature ovarian failure, diagnosed in April of 2009. I have Hashimoto's thyroiditis. I recently learned I've got degenerative arthritis in my lower spine. Oh yeah, I'm 28. Thankfully though, my thyroid appears to finally be stabilized after a year of ups and down, my my POF is being treated with HRT.
+ My job: Recently promoted.
+ My home: We are house-hunting, and hope to have a formal offer in to the seller by COB today.

Air: What Lifts Me ~ Joy and Celebration
+ Food, music, the arts, photography, flowers, Hell's Kitchen, Weeds, LOST, Radiohead, indie music, Vampire Weekend, MUSE, art house cinema, Bach Cello Suites, cooking, our trip Japan last year, camping, fishing, reading, writing, writing my book, RadioLab, The Moth, This American Life, taking the time to literally stop and smell the roses.

Fire: What Consumes Me ~ Passion and Perseverance
+ Having a family: The timeline has been pushed back significantly since we're buying a house, but we plan on adopting an infant domestically. We're skipping fertility treatments altogether.
+ My advocacy: I've recently decided that I am an health advocate, fighting for infertility treatment coverage and research. It all started with this video. The content of my blog has shifted slightly from mostly about me to more about the greater ALI blogosphere and what we can all do to be everyday advocates. I am also RESOLVE of New England's newest Board member on their Board of Directors!
+ My writing: I do it all the time. I've been keeping a journal in print or electronic form since I was in 7th grade. This blog is a continuation of that, but I'm starting to branch out to other places like Examiner.com and hopefully more paying opportunities. I'm also writing a book about my experience of converting to Judaism three years ago.

Looking forward to meeting new folks. Happy ICLW and happy commenting!

Image used with generous permission by the artist, Alida Saxon, copyright 2010.

What IF? Video Production Notes

On this last day of National Infertility Awareness Week, I look back over the week and see such tremendous growth. For me personally, I'm looking back on this week as probably one of the turning points in my life. My followers, both of this blog and on Twitter, have substantially increased. My direct traffic has climbed steadily each day. But more importantly, I have met some of the most amazing, brave, passionate people online. I always thought the ALI community was such a small corner of the internet, but I have been proven otherwise this week. I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has spread this out there. I am humbled and deeply grateful.

At the time of writing, my video has reached exactly 5,500 views. Every time it's embedded in a blog post and played there, or watched directly at the Vimeo link, it records that as a view. I have submitted it to CNN iReport, where, at the time of writing, it has received 208 views. It's still not yet been vetted by CNN, but whatever, it doesn't matter. The whole point of all of this was to raise awareness. I didn't create this video because I'm looking for my 15 minutes of fame or any money. I created this video because I'm simply sick and tired of 7.3 million people not being able to speak out for themselves about a very real and very painful disease, both physically and emotionally.

I wanted to share my production notes about actually making this film. It's funny- I've never made a "film" before. I mean, I've shot video, yes, but never put together anything like this before. I just used our camera, a Panasonic Lumix DMC-LX3. For editing, I just used the latest version of iMovie on my husband's Mac. Our camera was particularly helpful since it shot HD and also had unlimited burst mode, so shooting a series of still frames depicting movement was cake. (Even though it ATE UP the battery fast.)

The original idea was to get a variety of women's voices reading a bunch of these questions, profiling a day in the life of a woman, as if these were thoughts in her head. I then realized that I didn't feel like recruiting voiceovers for this, so I thought of just recording myself. Then it morphed into subtitles, and eventually, stop-motion signs. I drew a rough storyboard on Wednesday night. Thursday morning I wrote the script. The entire film was shot over the course of about 10 hours that Saturday. I started bright and early, filming in sequence all of the interior shots in our apartment. Writing all of these questions word by word was... time consuming, at best. I filmed the entire interior sequences in a span of about 4 hours. The most frustrating to film were the shots where the words appeared in the picture frames; I had to shoot, take apart the frame, write the word, reassemble the frame, shoot, lather rinse repeat.

For the exterior work, Larry and I headed to Boston Common. These shots were filmed out of order to make use of available daylight. What I thought was going to be the most challenging sequence: a woman walking across the shot pushing a stroller- was actually quite easy to get. Near the playground, I just walked up to a woman and asked if she wanted to be in my video. She said yes, the rest was history. To thank her for her participation, I gave her a $5 Dunkin' Donuts gift card. We did two takes, and I used the first take.

While filming, particularly the white board scenes and the chalk on the sidewalk scene, we got a lot of curious looks from passersby, but only one couple actually stopped to ask us what we were doing. Lots of stares, raised eyebrows, and half-smiles.

The music was kind of an accidental find. I was leaning toward a Bach cello suite at first, and then possibly a track from the LOST soundtrack (Rose and Bernard theme, for those of you who are curious). I was just listening to MUSE when I was like, this song is perfect. The lyrics even fit with the theme of the video, another happy accident. If you liked the song, please buy it on  - for only $1.29, it's a steal :)

I had a lot of fun making this. After we finished our shots on the Common, we went out to dinner with some friends for some tasty sushi. After I put the video online, I got a message from one of my friends saying she was amazed I was so perky at dinner afterwards despite filming such a heavy subject all day. The truth is, it was just energizing and motivating. I've been riding the energy all week.

I am still absolutely in awe of the reception it has received and is continuing to receive. (15 more views in the 15 minutes I've been writing.) I would love for this to get picked up by the media. But more importantly, this experience has got me rethinking about myself, my goals, and perhaps what I'm meant to do in this world. Perhaps health advocacy is my calling, and #ProjectIF was my catalyst.

Speaking of #ProjectIF: you have until 11:59pmEST tonight to submit your entry. Go do it already! :) I'm going to spend this weekend catching up on the 150+ entries so far (uh oh, this is going to feel like ICLW Iron Commenter all over again) this weekend, and I encourage you to do the same.

Click here expand/collapse the full list of questions in my video.

What IF we raise awareness about infertility?

What IF I never fill this scrapbook page?

What IF I never see two lines?

What IF infertility has robbed me of my sexiness and I'm never "in the mood" again?

What IF we finally save enough money for our one IVF cycle and it fails?

What IF we can't afford to adopt?

What IF I can't counter the thought we had to "buy" a baby?

What IF I see another pregnancy announcement or ultrasound photo on Facebook today?

What IF we have to learn to live childfree... with a smile?

What IF he leaves me for a fertile woman?

What IF I never let go of the resentment and jealousy of the women who got to do this naturally?

What IF I lose myself along the way?

What IF I stop defining myself by my infertility?

What IF I stop hiding behind my fears? My doubts? My grief?

What IF I redefine what it means to be woman? Mother? Family?

What IF I let go of the doubt, the fear, the worry, the self-judgments for one day? One week? For the rest of my life?

What IF I became an advocate for infertility research and treatment?

What IF every state passed a law requiring insurance companies to cover infertility treatments?

What IF I lived in the moment rather than in an uncertain future?

What IF my story can help just one person? Hundreds? Millions?

Click here to expand/collapse the lyrics of the song in my video.

MUSE: Exogenesis Symphony Part III - Redemption: Let's start over again / Why can't we start it over again / Just let us start it over again / And we'll be good / This time we'll get it, get it right / It's our last chance to forgive ourselves

ICLW May Be Over, But NIAW is in Full Swing!

I did it. 170 blogs (3 went down since the list went up). 170 comments in 7 days. I made my first Iron Commenter! I have found so many new blogs to follow- check my right sidebar to who I've added. I've found a ton of adoption blogs- check out my left sidebar just to see all the adoption bloggers I'm following. But most of all, I've met and made connections with so many people. The experience of making these connections is just amazing. Iron Commenter is indeed not for the faint of heart, but it is worth it, so worth it.

Like the post title says, ICLW may be over at midnight tonight, but that doesn't mean the comments have to stop. This has definitely kicked my butt into being a better active partipant in the ALI blogosphere. The sheer value in the connections I've made will only last if I keep up my end: reading, commenting, sharing stories.

Just because ICLW is over doesn't mean that NIAW is even close to being done! There's a lot happening on Capitol Hill right now. Melissa Ford of Stirrup Queens has posted her remarks she gave this morning at the infertility briefing on the Hill. They are powerful and inspiring. They remind me of why it is that I'm out and outspoken about my IF: because we need the government to act! She's there today with the executive leadership of RESOLVE. I hope they're making waves.

What else can you do to raise awareness? You can tweet about it, Facebook it, blog about it... make sure you Stumbleupon and Kirtsy and Digg and Reddit your links too! You can be out and outspoken about your infertility. Like Iron Commenter, it's not for the faint of heart, but damn if it doesn't feel good. "But what IF I'm too nervous about outing myself?" you ask? Well, here, let me do it for you. Use me as your stand-in, and share my What IF? A Portrait of Infertility video. Just spread it with words like "Because 1 in 8 is someone you know. This video is about a very important cause." And then leave it at that. *wipes hands* See? Infertility activism and advocacy is easy.

Other ways to raise awareness? Check out all of the blogs participating in #ProjectIF. Retweet @resolveorg or follow them on Twitter. Use hashtag #infertility in your tweets. Link to other bloggers on your blog, or even better yet- on your Facebook.

There's still 4 days left, including today, to raise awareness for National Infertility Awareness Week. Take just a few minutes each day and keep the awareness going!

What IF?

I was so inspired by so many of the questions raised in the Phase One of #ProjectIF that I couldn't pick just one to respond to. I saw this as a collective lamentation laid bare for the world to see. So many of these questions have flittered through and lingered in my brain at one point or another in our journey that I simply had to include them all. My hope is that this video captures the "everydayness" that is coping with infertility. So, here is my response to #Project IF. More about my thoughts on #ProjectIF below the video.




What IF we can become a positive force for change?


What IF? from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

What IF I can't pick myself back up after each setback?
I have seen the gamut of human experience and emotion this week. I've been going for Iron Commenter for ICLW, my first time trying it. I've read so much already - for every small victory: Aunt Flo still hasn't shown up, a successful transfer, social workers secured- there are just as many crushing setbacks: empty yolk sacs, canceled IUIs, no matured blasts, the birthmother backed out. I've read and commented on just over half of this month's participating blogs so far, and the sheer variety and depth of experiences is humbling, overwhelming, and at times, comforting. When you find someone, an otherwise stranger to you, who is going through nearly the same experiences, positive or otherwise, there is instant kinship between you and she, somewhere in the mix of wires and signals and binary code. In this mess of electronic tangles, we find connection.

If there's one thing I've learned so far in this year of coping, crying, laughing, and learning, it's that the road through infertility is indeed a bumpy one, and sometimes we diverge so far off course we hardly even recognize where we are anymore or from where we've come. All we know is that we are weary from the journey.

My hope in making this video was to answer this question above, to inspire those struggling with any aspect of IF to find the strength to press on, to find peace, to remain inspired and to remind them to be true to themselves.

What IF I got rid of the anonymity and put a real name and a real face to a story of IF?
Like most ventures on the internet, I got scared of putting my real name out there, much less my face. I hid behind my Hebrew name because it was convenient, and I think because in many ways, I was still ashamed, angry, and bitter at my diagnosis. Over this past year, I have grown and learned so much. I wouldn't say I've healed completely, but I've let go of a lot of baggage and realized that I can only move forward with my life if I allow myself to do so. I have found and met amazing people on the internet and in real life who understand this struggle. And I realized that legislators don't care about internet pseudonyms. They care about constituents with names, verifiable addresses, and most of all, votes.

So, allow me to introduce myself, dear readers:

Hi. I'm Keiko Zoll. *waves* Yes, my Hebrew name is Miriam. (I'm still the same old Miriam, but you can call me Keiko. I wasn't kidding when I said I was half-Japanese.) Yes, I'm 27 years old and yes, I live in Boston, MA. I still love food, travel, camping, scrapbooking, and playing a ridiculous amount of Modern Warfare 2. 

I live and cope with my infertility every single day, but I refuse to let it bring me down.

I'm taking this a step further. As I mentioned in my post about National Infertility Awareness Week, I posed a challenge to folks reading this blog to out themselves out of the IF closet on Facebook, Twitter, their blogs- wherever. Not only am I doing this myself tomorrow via my FB status message, but I'm sharing this video on my Facebook profile and Twitter accounts too.

What IF my video can help erase some of the stigma surrounding infertility, and give a voice to  millions who may be otherwise silent?

-----

For more information about infertility, please visit RESOLVE's Infertility Overview page.

Click here for more info about National Infertility Awareness Week 2010.

Click here for the complete What IF list.

Click here to see who else is participating in #ProjectIF.
-----

UPDATE: Read how this video has been received and my advocacy efforts two months later.

From Words to Voices to Faces: Researching Adoption

We've got lots of questions about adoption. The internet, the blogs, the two books we're reading- they've got answers. For Ari and I, it's getting a little overwhelming, not going to lie. Unfortunately, we can't really move forward yet until two things are figured out: 1) my job and 2) our housing. My job and housing come as a package deal, and there's some rather vague, amorphous changes happening to my job this summer that may or may not leave us with housing. *uncomfortable laugh* ha ha ha ha... I'm hoping I get some answers soon because if they do yank my housing (in lieu of a higher salary and better position title), um, we need to find a place to live.

Right, so anywho. Back to adoption. We're reading books, trolling teh intarwebs, readin' the blogs, and boy howdy, it's a lot. So we've got two things up at the pass for us to hopefully make digesting this whole adoption thing a little bit easier. At 4pm today, I'm participating in the Adoption Info Teleseminar via RESOLVE, as part of their free teleseminars this week for National Infertility Awareness Week. (Sidebar: RESOVLE's got a brand-spankin-new website and it looks AWESOME.) And on June 12, we're going to an Adoption Conference sponsored by RESOLVE of the Bay State, our local chapter. We've been to their Annual Conference, so we expect the same high caliber, in-depth material. We're really looking forward to it. I hope to blog here about my experience with the teleseminar tonight or tomorrow morning.

Other updates...

- Still pressing on with my #ProjectIF entry. No details on what I'm doing yet, but man oh man I can't wait to post it when I'm finished.
- As a result, ICLW Iron Commenter status has stalled a little bit. Trying to pick up some comment time when I can today.
- Am really proud of the healthy choices I made while out to dinner last night. I had yakisoba with veggies, suzuki sashimi (sea bass) instead of nigiri b/c I didn't want the rice since I was having noodles, and daifuku (mochi with ice cream) instead of the giant bowl of fried ice cream. Also, Boston's Chinatown is one cool place.

Gotta run... lots of work on #ProjectIF today. Are you participating?

Welcome to April's ICLW!

Hi there! If you're stopping by from ICLW, welcome and thanks for visiting. I think most of my pages and tags should be good places to get started to know a little bit more about this blog, but here's the quick and dirty reader's digest version with links to relevant blog posts to get you up to speed:

• Hi! I'm Miriam Keiko. The hubs is Ari Larry. We are so totally in love it's kind of ridiculous; we're high school sweethearts of 10+ years, only married for the last 2.5. We're Jewish, we love food, we love to travel. Oh, and we really want to be parents.
• I've got one ovary, and it's way busted (premature ovarian failure). My thyroid is also pretty busted (Hashimoto's thyroiditis). Our options, as I was told a year ago, is IVF with DE or adoption.
• Current treatments: birth control pills as hormone replacement therapy. I'm currently having my first "period" in over a year. I use the term loosely since it's really just withdrawal bleeding from skipping a couple of days of the pill. Also, I'm on Levoxyl for my thyroid. I've got a regular thyroid monitoring appointment on Thursday.
• After much ruminating, we've decided to pursue adoption! Like, literally finalized this decision a couple of weeks ago. We're still in the info gathering stages and have lots of questions. I'm definitely on the hunt for other adoption bloggers to follow.
• Next week is National Infertility Awareness Week. It's a cause near and dear to my heart.

I look forward to discovering new blogs and meeting new bloggers this week. I'm also going for Iron Commenter status, and working on What IF: Part Two, so I'm hoping to get in at least 2 posts this week, but it might be rough. Want to know more? Leave me a comment or shoot me at email (miriamshope AT gmail).

Happy commenting this week!

EDIT: In light of posting my What IF? video, I've put our real names up here and changed my "About Me" page.

National Infertility Awareness Week 2010

This Saturday kicks off RESOLVE's National Infertility Awareness Week. Last year, I was ballsy and decided to post about it on my Facebook page. My status: 1 out of every 8 couples is coping with infertility... and I'm one of them. Learn more about National Infertility Awareness Week. I had three friends: a former coworker's wife, and two friends from middle and high school message me on Facebook to tell me they were going through infertility too, and how grateful they were for posting that as my status. I had waffled on posting it- it was up for a few hours, then I deleted it. In the hours it was down was when I received those messages, so I put it back up.

This year, I plan to post it with pride. Not because I'm proud that I'm infertile, but that I'm proud to advocate for an important healthcare issue. And because if my story can help just one other person, then that's all that matters.

I posit a challenge to each of you: out yourself this week. Share your story, your pain, your fears, your hopes. Lay it out there for your family, your friends- better yet, your state and federal representatives. Be it Facebook, Twitter - maybe even an e-card: put it out there. Give a face to infertility. Give a face to infertility advocacy.

This year, become a voice for action.

#ProjectIF

I've had the button up on the right since my site redesign, but I wanted to make sure I blasted this out as a post, too. Mel over at Stirrup Queens is collaborating with RESOLVE for a truly unique online event in conjunction with National Infertility Awareness Week, April 24 - May 1, 2010.

Phase One of the project is currently live on her site. Click the button to the right to be taken there for all the details. Essentially, leave a comment to Mel's blog post asking the question "What IF..." and then fill in the rest from there, relating it to infertility. Mel will select 10 "What IF" questions to be used in Phase Two of the project. Phase Two will begin next week, which is currently a mystery... I'm excited to find out what the next phase is.

I gotta warn you: reading through the 300+ comments and even more What IF questions already posted, it is extremely humbling and moving. Tissues are a must.

This is a pretty amazing project to be a part of, so spread the word, via your blog or Twitter, with hashtag term #ProjectIF. There's still two days left to join in on Phase One, so if you haven't submitted your What IF's yet, get 'em in now!

National Infertility Awareness Week: April 25 - May 2, 2009

RESOLVE is sponsoring National Infertility Awareness Week, starting this Saturday. Not only do they have a list of 7 things you can do in 7 days, they are also doing 7 days of free teleseminars on various subjects surrounding IF, as well as many local face-to-face events around the country.

I've signed up for the first seminar on Sunday, 4/26 at 4pm: Getting the Support You Need for the Journey Through Infertility - I think that's a good starting point for me anyway, especially since I'm getting my Dx confirmed in 3 days. But there are 7 days worth of excellent topics from affording ART/adoption to egg donation to advocating for family building legislation. I'll try out this first seminar and see how it goes before I register for more.

The ol' college activist in me is feeling inspired. I think it's because by involving myself in some kind of advocacy role, I reestablish a sense of control. Man, IF is a bitch if you're a control-freak like I am. ;)

Oh, and I deleted the post on my FB page about NIAW, b/c I don't think I'm ready to share this yet with people I haven't seen since kindergarten and semi-professional networked contacts. Yeah, yeah, I know folks could have seen it before it was deleted, but whatever. Maybe it's just superstition that I don't resign myself to this yet before I'm "officially" diagnosed on Friday.

EDIT: I re-outed myself and reposted the link/announcement on my FB page, after I found out someone from high school messages me to tell me they are in the same boat. If my voice can give courage and support to others, than it's super important for me to speak out.