Showing posts with label ICLW. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ICLW. Show all posts
June 26, 2010
I'm an Aunt!
June 25, 2010
What IF: Two Months Later
It all started two months ago with #ProjectIF.
Two months ago to the day, I posted my What IF? video online.
What IF? A Portrait of Infertility on Vimeo.
Two months ago, I thought I would merely post on my little corner of the internet and let the blogosphere pass me by. Two months ago, I came out of the infertility closet. True, my friends and family were more than aware of who was writing this blog. Yet, I put my name, my face, my contact information to these What IFs, to a story that's told over and over and over again in the infertility community. Two months ago, I became an infertility advocate the moment I hit "record" on my digital camera. Standing here, two months later, and looking back, I marvel at the distance I've traveled in just two months' time.
I'm writing this post as part of WEGO Health's June Blog Carnival: Your Best Health Activist Moment. Click the link to read more and to find out how you can participate! This post has allowed me to explore some of the true highlights of the past two months in my health advocacy. It's hard to just pick one: so much has happened and I've been deeply affected by them all.
The first moment was when my video went viral. In just 11 days of publishing my video online, it received 10,000 plays. Currently, it has about 17,500 plays, and grows little by slowly. A lot of that initial momentum has dropped off, to be expected. That was when I realized my advocacy work was generating buzz: people were talking, tweeting, sharing.
The second moment was when I received a call from Rebecca Flick at RESOLVE's national headquarters in Washington. You often think of national organizations as nameless, faceless giants with no real person-to-person connection between Organization with a capital O and its members. All of that bias I held was erased the moment Rebecca and I began talking. RESOLVE really is here for its members, and they work tirelessly for them whether it's providing education and support or lobbying for change. The work alone to keep RESOLVE current with social media trends is exhausting enough. When Rebecca told me I had RESOLVE's full support to spread this video to the masses, this was when I was first beginning to realize that I had embarked on something much bigger than I had originally thought.
The third moment was when I was contacted by Dr. Lawrence Nelson of the NICHD. Dr. Nelson was the first resource I turned to after I was first diagnosed with premature ovarian failure: a quick Google search brought up much of his literature and even an informational video that I posted as one of my first handful of posts on this blog. Dr. Nelson has become one of the leading experts on POF/POI in the nation, and his passion to develop comprehensive and compassionate treatment for the disease is inspiring. We have since been corresponding on ways I can bring my experience with post-diagnosis coping and healing into some kind of treatment protocol for other women diagnosed with POF/POI. Apparently, I've handled my diagnosis remarkably well for a woman of only 26 at the time. In this moment, I realized that my experience mattered to other people.
The fourth moment happened right here in my own backyard after meeting with a networking group of regional infertility professionals. I made some great connections and contacts and had a chance to brainstorm ideas, raise issues, and get feedback. The real honor came when I was asked last month to apply to the RESOLVE of New England Board of Directors, of which I was unanimously voted in last Thursday. This was when I realized the possibilities ahead of me with local advocacy efforts.
But of all the moments in the past two months? My childhood best friend sending me a message on Facebook telling me she is a three-time egg donor. A work colleague of mine (who I just goof off with 90% of the time I see him) closing the door in my office and confessing that his son was a miracle after recurrent miscarriages. The blogger who reposted my video who works in the healthcare field who changed her mind about mandated infertility treatment coverage and how it really should be covered by insurance companies. The dear friend who I had no idea was having trouble conceiving a second child. A friend of mine who I'm still getting to know who pulls me aside after a gathering one night and thanks me for posting on my blog that it's okay to feel mean and jealous and spiteful of all those big round bellies that aren't hers. The long emails from strangers telling me their stories: all of their heartbreak, triumph, and waiting- finally sharing it for the first time with someone other than their partner.
Like a sudden rain across still waters, the ripples growing and colliding with one another, the water a network of waves and movement - it was these moments of personal connection that have impacted me the most in my activism. These personal connections begin lacing and crossing one another, creating a network of support, education, activism and research that grows stronger and tighter with each connection.
What a different place at which I stand two months later... and I cannot wait to see from where I stand a year from now, so see how far the ripples have spread.
Photo by Hiroyuki Takeda via Flickr.
Two months ago to the day, I posted my What IF? video online.
What IF? A Portrait of Infertility on Vimeo.
Two months ago, I thought I would merely post on my little corner of the internet and let the blogosphere pass me by. Two months ago, I came out of the infertility closet. True, my friends and family were more than aware of who was writing this blog. Yet, I put my name, my face, my contact information to these What IFs, to a story that's told over and over and over again in the infertility community. Two months ago, I became an infertility advocate the moment I hit "record" on my digital camera. Standing here, two months later, and looking back, I marvel at the distance I've traveled in just two months' time.
I'm writing this post as part of WEGO Health's June Blog Carnival: Your Best Health Activist Moment. Click the link to read more and to find out how you can participate! This post has allowed me to explore some of the true highlights of the past two months in my health advocacy. It's hard to just pick one: so much has happened and I've been deeply affected by them all.
The first moment was when my video went viral. In just 11 days of publishing my video online, it received 10,000 plays. Currently, it has about 17,500 plays, and grows little by slowly. A lot of that initial momentum has dropped off, to be expected. That was when I realized my advocacy work was generating buzz: people were talking, tweeting, sharing.
The second moment was when I received a call from Rebecca Flick at RESOLVE's national headquarters in Washington. You often think of national organizations as nameless, faceless giants with no real person-to-person connection between Organization with a capital O and its members. All of that bias I held was erased the moment Rebecca and I began talking. RESOLVE really is here for its members, and they work tirelessly for them whether it's providing education and support or lobbying for change. The work alone to keep RESOLVE current with social media trends is exhausting enough. When Rebecca told me I had RESOLVE's full support to spread this video to the masses, this was when I was first beginning to realize that I had embarked on something much bigger than I had originally thought.
The third moment was when I was contacted by Dr. Lawrence Nelson of the NICHD. Dr. Nelson was the first resource I turned to after I was first diagnosed with premature ovarian failure: a quick Google search brought up much of his literature and even an informational video that I posted as one of my first handful of posts on this blog. Dr. Nelson has become one of the leading experts on POF/POI in the nation, and his passion to develop comprehensive and compassionate treatment for the disease is inspiring. We have since been corresponding on ways I can bring my experience with post-diagnosis coping and healing into some kind of treatment protocol for other women diagnosed with POF/POI. Apparently, I've handled my diagnosis remarkably well for a woman of only 26 at the time. In this moment, I realized that my experience mattered to other people.
The fourth moment happened right here in my own backyard after meeting with a networking group of regional infertility professionals. I made some great connections and contacts and had a chance to brainstorm ideas, raise issues, and get feedback. The real honor came when I was asked last month to apply to the RESOLVE of New England Board of Directors, of which I was unanimously voted in last Thursday. This was when I realized the possibilities ahead of me with local advocacy efforts.
But of all the moments in the past two months? My childhood best friend sending me a message on Facebook telling me she is a three-time egg donor. A work colleague of mine (who I just goof off with 90% of the time I see him) closing the door in my office and confessing that his son was a miracle after recurrent miscarriages. The blogger who reposted my video who works in the healthcare field who changed her mind about mandated infertility treatment coverage and how it really should be covered by insurance companies. The dear friend who I had no idea was having trouble conceiving a second child. A friend of mine who I'm still getting to know who pulls me aside after a gathering one night and thanks me for posting on my blog that it's okay to feel mean and jealous and spiteful of all those big round bellies that aren't hers. The long emails from strangers telling me their stories: all of their heartbreak, triumph, and waiting- finally sharing it for the first time with someone other than their partner.
Like a sudden rain across still waters, the ripples growing and colliding with one another, the water a network of waves and movement - it was these moments of personal connection that have impacted me the most in my activism. These personal connections begin lacing and crossing one another, creating a network of support, education, activism and research that grows stronger and tighter with each connection.
What a different place at which I stand two months later... and I cannot wait to see from where I stand a year from now, so see how far the ripples have spread.
June 24, 2010
"And Room to Grow..."
Walking away is the hardest thing to do when you're house hunting. It's so easy to fall in love: you find the house. You start imagining paint choices, furniture, little knick knacks and lamps and pictures and then you start preemptively filling in the memories you plan to make in each room of your house. But, it's not your house, not yet at least.
We foolishly did all of those things, filling up the pictures in our minds with all of our stuff, with all of that potential. Walking away is going to be so hard from a house we've fallen in love with.
Hunting for a house is the most grown up thing we've ever done in our adult lives. For me, it's unsettled some emotions I thought were put to rest over this last year. It all started when we set up our search parameters: 3 bedroom, 1+ bath. Since Larry works at home, a three-bedroom house makes sense: a master bedroom for us, an office for Larry, and "room to grow."
"Room to grow..." We've defaulted to this phrase at each home tour and open house. And every time I say it, I won't lie: it's tinged with sadness.
I know we'll be parents. I know we'll have a family. And I know we will probably never be able to do it the old-fashioned way, short of a miracle. Even after a year, even after all these positive, hopeful, advocacy-driven posts - it still hurts. It still cuts deep. I wander through these houses and these empty rooms, envisioning nurseries painted in soft pastels and knowing that Team Zoll #3 will never be half of Team Zoll #1 and Team Zoll #2. It doesn't matter. If it did, we'd never consider adoption or IF treatments in the first place.
But just because it doesn't matter doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt sometimes. It's in these rare, unguarded moments these feelings seep in, a heavy air of doubt and sadness.
All of this money we're pouring into buying a home pushes back our family building timeline substantially. I know we'll grow, I know we'll fill that third room. But now we have to wait even longer. Life happens. You make the best decisions you can in each moment. I know I can't live my life wanting for the future or weeping for the past. Life must be lived in the moment. I get that. I know that. Logical Keiko totally understands that 100%.
But damn if it doesn't just knock you down to your knees with worry and hesitation, the wind sucked clear out of your lungs and you find your self clawing at the air just to breathe.
"And room to grow..." This empty room we don't even have yet. This room whose descriptor lingers unresolved, hinting wryly at possibility but laced with uncertainty - hanging uncomfortably, the sentence unfinished and trailing off into the unknown.
I know we'll get there. I know it is going to be a hell of a lot harder and more expensive than we ever thought it would be. I know it's going to take time. I know I have to be strong. I have to be hopeful. I have to be positive. I have to live in the moment. I have to focus on what's in front of me and making it through each day before I can worry about ten tomorrows from now.
But sometimes I need to feel afraid. I need to feel sad. I need to feel like there isn't hope for a few moments, let all of those demons and grief fill the empty room in my head. I let them rush in like banshees and spirits and spectres.
And then I cast them out.
The room is empty, quiet again for a bit, waiting to be filled.
Photo by Christian Kadluba via Flickr.
June 22, 2010
Team RESOLVE Choice Awards: Best Infertility Blog & Book
The annual RESOLVE Night of Hope recognizes leaders making strides in the infertility fields, from doctors, nurses, and clinics to advocates, researchers, and employers. Hope Awards are given in a variety of categories, for Service, Advocacy, and Innovation, to name a few. There are also two awards voted on by the community: Best Infertility Blog and Best Infertility Book. Excerpts from each nominee in each category are available. Voting ends this Thursday, so make sure you go vote now, and spread the word via Twitter, Facebook, your own blog, and wherever else you post. It's an incredible award and I know the very deserving nominees would appreciate your votes!
The Best IF Blogs were selected from over 185 entries to Melissa Ford and RESOLVE's collaborative blog project during National Infertility Awareness Week back in April. #ProjectIF asked ALI bloggers to put their "What IFs?" of infertility out there, and then answer those questions. From those response posts, five blogs were chosen as nominees for the Best Blog category. Their What IF posts, and I have read each of them- are powerful, moving, relatable, beautiful. Do take the time to read them before you vote.
The Best IF Books were selected by nominations from the ALI community. A call from RESOLVE was put out for Best Book, and bloggers, readers, and everyone in between submitted their favorites for RESOLVE to select five nominees. Excerpts of each book are externally linked from the voting website- again, really great nominees and totally worth the read and vote. I have a couple of books now to add to my reading list this summer.
By voting, you're helping to support not only an organization that does so much for our community, but helping to recognize those leaders within that community that stand out and have made substantial contributions to the community as well. Like submitting news to the LFCA, voting for the Team RESOLVE Choice Awards is just good karma in the ALI blogosphere.
Have I inspired you enough? Well, get out there and vote already! ^_^
June 21, 2010
June ICLW: Elementally Speaking
The Four Elements of Me
Earth: What Grounds Me ~ Roots and Foundation
+ My husband, Larry: totally my rock, my love, my soulmate. We've been married for 2 and a half years. We were high school sweethearts from 1997... do the math. We've been together a long time and are still madly in love with one another.
+ My family: My mom, my papa, my sister Jasmine and her husband Neal - these are my core. Then Larry's mom, dad, and sister - just as much family as my own blood. And soon, probably sometime this week: Willow! My niece-to-be, the first grandchild, the little darling we've been waiting 9 months to meet. You can count on a post about her later this week since my sister will be induced on Friday :)
+ My faith: I'm Jewish. But I put an equal amount of faith in the goodness of humanity, the beauty that surrounds us daily we often take for granted, and in the sovereignty and power of the collective creativity of women. I ground myself by redefining the world around me, and walking forward with faithful steps in the world I've created.
Water: What Moves Me ~ Transition and Flow
+ My health: it's been in a varying state of flux. I have premature ovarian failure, diagnosed in April of 2009. I have Hashimoto's thyroiditis. I recently learned I've got degenerative arthritis in my lower spine. Oh yeah, I'm 28. Thankfully though, my thyroid appears to finally be stabilized after a year of ups and down, my my POF is being treated with HRT.
+ My job: Recently promoted.
+ My home: We are house-hunting, and hope to have a formal offer in to the seller by COB today.
Air: What Lifts Me ~ Joy and Celebration
+ Food, music, the arts, photography, flowers, Hell's Kitchen, Weeds, LOST, Radiohead, indie music, Vampire Weekend, MUSE, art house cinema, Bach Cello Suites, cooking, our trip Japan last year, camping, fishing, reading, writing, writing my book, RadioLab, The Moth, This American Life, taking the time to literally stop and smell the roses.
Fire: What Consumes Me ~ Passion and Perseverance
+ Having a family: The timeline has been pushed back significantly since we're buying a house, but we plan on adopting an infant domestically. We're skipping fertility treatments altogether.
+ My advocacy: I've recently decided that I am an health advocate, fighting for infertility treatment coverage and research. It all started with this video. The content of my blog has shifted slightly from mostly about me to more about the greater ALI blogosphere and what we can all do to be everyday advocates. I am also RESOLVE of New England's newest Board member on their Board of Directors!
+ My writing: I do it all the time. I've been keeping a journal in print or electronic form since I was in 7th grade. This blog is a continuation of that, but I'm starting to branch out to other places like Examiner.com and hopefully more paying opportunities. I'm also writing a book about my experience of converting to Judaism three years ago.
Looking forward to meeting new folks. Happy ICLW and happy commenting!
Image used with generous permission by the artist, Alida Saxon, copyright 2010.
May 28, 2010
A Woman of Valor
Maxfield Parrish: Ecstasy.
I wanted to close this ICLW with something that has been an inspiration to me, something I always keep in the back of my mind: the Jewish concept of a Woman of Valor. I'm not here to preach religion, but I hold this ideal in my heart and let it guide me. A Woman of Valor- Eshet Chayil - is a psalm traditionally sung by husbands to their wives on Shabbos (Proverbs 31 to be precise). I found this beautiful re-imagining by Eric S. Kingston on Chabad.org, and I hope it will inspire you too.
A Woman of Valor
By Eric S. Kingston
Dedicated to all the women who showed me what true strength is.
A woman of valor makes the world change
Her strength is the content that guides through the days
Defined by her actions that bring light to all dreams
Valor is something that's defined by her deeds.
Her valor is golden, sparkled and gray
She stands up to the challenge no matter the way
It can't be held back or defined by her age
Yes, a woman of valor makes the world change.
For valor's not held by the young or the old
But by the deeds of the heart that give and unfold
It's merit and honor that hold no disguise
Like the creation of being in the blessed Holy One's eyes.
For valor is the color of the song of her soul
As she changes, creates and turns light into gold
Divine is Her Presence, be it joyous or sad
-- A Woman of Valor --
May offer little, but it will be all that she has.
For only her heart will know the depths of her soul
That nurtures and blossom and forever unfolds
And holds in its essence new life and new gain
Yes,
A woman of valor makes the world change
A woman of valor makes the world change
A woman of valor makes the world change.
Be the change, readers, be the change. Make waves in this world, and to my female readers: you are all Women of Valor.
Shabbat shalom and to my readers here in the States: a safe and wonderful Memorial Day Weekend.
May 27, 2010
Women's Health Matters: Period.
Sit tight: this post is a doozy.
I'm a Vagina Warrior.
I realize this is quite a startling way to begin my post, but being a Vagina Warrior drives me, it shapes the way I look at the world, and fuels my passion for women's health advocacy. What exactly is a Vagina Warrior? Well, it stems Eve Ensler's The Vagina Monologues
; I performed in five productions of the show throughout college and two years after I graduated at the first college where I worked. The mission of the V-Day movement is near and dear to my heart, and a Vagina Warrior is someone who fights for women, women's rights both home and abroad, and for the safety and health of women and girls everywhere. My work in health advocacy, particularly around infertility, is how I assign my Warrior status (and when I say Warrior, think dorky Xena sporting Old Navy rather than leather-plated skirt).
So I've got three things my inner Vagina Warrior wants to cover in this post, all related to our periods: Tampons. The Red Tent. Project Vital Sign. Sound interesting? Read on.
So I was thrilled when I saw the new Kotex U commercials:
ALisa Starkweather has taken the fundamental ideas of The Red Tent and translated them into a movement of women gathering in sacred spaces to share in each other's sisterhood. Our temples are bedecked in red fabrics and welcome to women of all ages, menstruating or otherwise; the Red Tent Temple Movement is about restoring women's dialogue and celebrating the feminine life experience. The Red Tent Temple has allowed me to restore what I felt was lost- my sense of monthly cycles. While I may not bleed every month, I gather with my friends, my sisters near each new moon at the Salem RTT, and that sense of womanly rhythm has returned to my life. Isadora Leidenfrost will be exploring this movement in her forthcoming film, Things We Don't Talk About: Healing Narratives from the Red Tent. I get the sense that this is going to be an important film, and wanted to put this on folks' radars.
Still with me as I talk about all these "woman" problems? You are? Great. Because my biggest problem is calling Aunt Flo a problem. She should be a welcome guest, not a nuisance! CNN recently published an article online about women's attitudes toward their periods. The article is (fairly) balanced, but the thing that got me was the general tone that "Ewww! Periods are icky and gross and cumbersome." (Yes, I know for some women, they dread their period: heavy flows, debilitating cramps, nausea, and worse.) It was the title that got me: Periods - who needs them anyway?
Who needs periods? Every woman does, that's who! This leads me to my third and final soapbox moment of this post: Project Vital Sign. Sponsored by Rachel's Well, a non-profit women's health organization, Project Vital Sign is working to create a national movement for educators and health professionals to recognize menstruation is just as much of a vital sign as heart rate, blood pressure, or temperature.
Allow me this divergence... I'm still reconciling my feelings on hormonal birth control pills. On one hand, it kept my ovarian cysts at bay all throughout college, after I had already lost an ovary to a torsioned cyst. On the other, it masked my POI for what could have been years. Now they replace the hormones my body cannot produce naturally. I've had this weird give-take relationship with hormonal birth control, so I'm still not sure where my allegiance lies. The point of this brief divergence is to say that eliminating our periods or masking them is a dangerous game, as we lose a basic sign of our reproductive health. My personal thoughts on birth control aside...
Our periods give us a clear picture of our reproductive health and even our overall health. The fact that the media and society paint our periods as nuisance, gross or insignificant is infuriating: it sends the message that we should do away with them entirely, reinforcing broader social constructs of shame, embarrassment, and silence surrounding women's health issues. I know I'm not going to change society, but I'll be damned if I don't try. And look, don't take my word for it (cue Reading Rainbow music) - Dr. Lawrence Nelson at the NIH/NICHD agrees in a recent piece on NPR:
My points, after this whole long, ranting post?
Love your period.
Celebrate your womanhood.
Advocate for women's health issues.
Because women's health matters. Period.
I'm a Vagina Warrior.
; I performed in five productions of the show throughout college and two years after I graduated at the first college where I worked. The mission of the V-Day movement is near and dear to my heart, and a Vagina Warrior is someone who fights for women, women's rights both home and abroad, and for the safety and health of women and girls everywhere. My work in health advocacy, particularly around infertility, is how I assign my Warrior status (and when I say Warrior, think dorky Xena sporting Old Navy rather than leather-plated skirt).So I've got three things my inner Vagina Warrior wants to cover in this post, all related to our periods: Tampons. The Red Tent. Project Vital Sign. Sound interesting? Read on.
So I was thrilled when I saw the new Kotex U commercials:
I am in no way being compensated for this. This was too damn awesome not to share.
Thank you, Kotex, for keepin' it real. I haven't had a "real" period in months, technically years if you count that fact that while on birth control, it's not an actual period as a result of ovulation, rather, it's withdrawal bleeding from a drop in hormones. I'm still experiencing breakthrough bleeding on my HRT (the pill), and I had to use a tampon for the first time in over a year last month. I stared at it like, "You want that to go where?" amazed at how quickly I had forgotten all about this strange feminine product. So when I saw this commercial I appreciated that it wasn't trying to sell me this flowered up idea but was like, "Hey. Hey you, you with the XX chromosomes. You're of menstruating age and you need a practical solution to your monthly biological phenomenon. Here, have a tampon."
I appreciate Kotex's candor, because women don't like to talk about our periods. It's something society doesn't talk about... like infertility. (Funny how women's problems are marginalized into silence.) Which brings me to my next Vagina Warrior subject: the Red Tent Temple Movement and the forthcoming documentary: Things We Don't Talk About.
Anita Diamant's The Red Tent
is an inspiring fictional retelling of the story of Dinah, Jacob's only named daughter in the Bible. The Red Tent was where the women of Jacob's tribe gathered for their monthly cycles, for births, miscarriages, and shared sisterhood. (If you haven't read it, go do that this summer. And keep a box of tissues handy when you do.)
Anita Diamant's The Red Tent
is an inspiring fictional retelling of the story of Dinah, Jacob's only named daughter in the Bible. The Red Tent was where the women of Jacob's tribe gathered for their monthly cycles, for births, miscarriages, and shared sisterhood. (If you haven't read it, go do that this summer. And keep a box of tissues handy when you do.) ALisa Starkweather has taken the fundamental ideas of The Red Tent and translated them into a movement of women gathering in sacred spaces to share in each other's sisterhood. Our temples are bedecked in red fabrics and welcome to women of all ages, menstruating or otherwise; the Red Tent Temple Movement is about restoring women's dialogue and celebrating the feminine life experience. The Red Tent Temple has allowed me to restore what I felt was lost- my sense of monthly cycles. While I may not bleed every month, I gather with my friends, my sisters near each new moon at the Salem RTT, and that sense of womanly rhythm has returned to my life. Isadora Leidenfrost will be exploring this movement in her forthcoming film, Things We Don't Talk About: Healing Narratives from the Red Tent. I get the sense that this is going to be an important film, and wanted to put this on folks' radars.
Still with me as I talk about all these "woman" problems? You are? Great. Because my biggest problem is calling Aunt Flo a problem. She should be a welcome guest, not a nuisance! CNN recently published an article online about women's attitudes toward their periods. The article is (fairly) balanced, but the thing that got me was the general tone that "Ewww! Periods are icky and gross and cumbersome." (Yes, I know for some women, they dread their period: heavy flows, debilitating cramps, nausea, and worse.) It was the title that got me: Periods - who needs them anyway?
Who needs periods? Every woman does, that's who! This leads me to my third and final soapbox moment of this post: Project Vital Sign. Sponsored by Rachel's Well, a non-profit women's health organization, Project Vital Sign is working to create a national movement for educators and health professionals to recognize menstruation is just as much of a vital sign as heart rate, blood pressure, or temperature.
Allow me this divergence... I'm still reconciling my feelings on hormonal birth control pills. On one hand, it kept my ovarian cysts at bay all throughout college, after I had already lost an ovary to a torsioned cyst. On the other, it masked my POI for what could have been years. Now they replace the hormones my body cannot produce naturally. I've had this weird give-take relationship with hormonal birth control, so I'm still not sure where my allegiance lies. The point of this brief divergence is to say that eliminating our periods or masking them is a dangerous game, as we lose a basic sign of our reproductive health. My personal thoughts on birth control aside...
Our periods give us a clear picture of our reproductive health and even our overall health. The fact that the media and society paint our periods as nuisance, gross or insignificant is infuriating: it sends the message that we should do away with them entirely, reinforcing broader social constructs of shame, embarrassment, and silence surrounding women's health issues. I know I'm not going to change society, but I'll be damned if I don't try. And look, don't take my word for it (cue Reading Rainbow music) - Dr. Lawrence Nelson at the NIH/NICHD agrees in a recent piece on NPR:
"There's this disconnect," says Nelson. "The menstrual cycle is just seen more as a nuisance by many women. But actually, [when periods are regular] it's the sign that the ovaries and the whole endocrine system related to reproduction is working the way it should."
My points, after this whole long, ranting post?
Love your period.
Celebrate your womanhood.
Advocate for women's health issues.
Because women's health matters. Period.
May 26, 2010
Wordless Wednesday
First time I'm trying this whole Wordless Wednesday blog meme. I love photography and I love my Lumix LX3. Here's a sampling of some of my artsy-fartsy photos. You can click on the slideshow below to open the whole gallery of thumbnails. Enjoy!
EDIT: Here are a couple of pictures from my birthday yesterday...
Left: Lovely flowers from my in-laws, waiting for me when I woke up yesterday morning. Right: Chocolate fondue at The Melting Pot! I don't know how they did it, but it was delicious ^_^
May 25, 2010
A Celebratory 28th Birthday Post
I'm not 30, but I'm certainly not 18 anymore. It's crazy to think of everything I've encountered in my life in the last decade. At 18, I stood on the precipice of adulthood. At 28, I feel like I'm on the precipice of the next big stage of my life. Like a galloping Rhiannon, I have felt transitory and driven in the last few months: my course may be uncertain, but I thunder onward, unflinching.
What better way to greet and celebrate my 28th birthday? In fact, I'm going to celebrate on the blogosphere with style, via The Celebratory Society.
Think of this as the most interesting delurking project you'll ever participate in. After giving back to others at the Celebratory Society, I have decided to participate in it myself. You can understand the project in full by clicking here, but in brief, the Celebratory Society is an online festschrift for a blogger- a way for you to tell me what my blog or actions mean to you. But this isn't about me- this is about you too. And I would love it if you returned to your own blog, started your own Celebratory Society post, added it to the main project list, and gave me the opportunity to tell you about...you.Yeah, I'm milking my birthday, but what better opportunity to celebrate oneself, right? Speaking of milking my birthday.... I'm also looking forward to a fabulous night of fondue at The Melting Pot downtown tonight!
May 24, 2010
Infertility, I've got you in my sights.
Last year, I turned 27. I had just been diagnosed. For my birthday, I needed to reclaim some of what I had lost. I had captioned my birthday last year as "Guns. Massage. Meat on Swords." And I did all of those things. My husband was sweet enough to get me a spa package. We went to a Brazilian BBQ with a big group of our friends.
Oh, and that whole "Guns" bit? Larry took me to the firing range and I fired a gun for the first time in my life. I've always wanted to and it just felt like the right time last year. Your thoughts on gun laws aside, this was a neat life experience for me. On the eve of turning 28, I wanted to reflect a little on the experience from last year, because it's been one helluva ride.
And damn if I didn't let it this year.
Here's the thing: I am terrified of guns. Just to go to the shooting range and be so close to other people firing, as well as just seeing guns on the tables... it nearly sickened me. One of my biggest paranoid fears is getting shot. It's not like I live in an urban center (or ever have really; I'm a child of the suburbs) but I've always been legit paranoid of getting shot all my life. The act of firing a gun is incredibly powerful, sensually so: the slam of the hammer and feeling the recoil shoot back through your body, the sound of a small sonic boom reverberating so hard you feel it in your chest, the quick flash like a candid camera moment, and the intoxicating smell of gunpowder. By holding a gun, I was confronting a huge fear of mine. By firing it and directing it toward the thing I fear more than guns and being shot- not being able to have children- it was probably one of the most liberating things I've done.
Am I saying you should go out and shoot your infertility? No, not at all. Some people aren't into guns... like myself. I haven't been back to the firing range since. Why? Well, it was fun for an afternoon, but on the ride home, I had a panic attack, the first in a long time. All of the adrenalin and anxiety that had built up all day finally came out in a spectacular show of a racing pulse, tears, and near hyperventilation. I might have good aim (thank you Modern Warfare and years of first-person shooters), but I'm not a recreational shooter. I'm not the newest member of the NRA by any stretch of the imagination. This outing allowed me to cross something off my bucket list and to confront two major fears: guns and infertility.
Even if you don't go out to a firing range and write infertility on a paper target and shoot at it until it's torn to shreds, you can still put infertility in your sights. You can still duke it out Old West style in the Main Drag in your mind, draw your line, and fire. I made my ultimatum to infertility last year and I think I've kept good on my promise to myself.
It's taken a year for me to blow the smoke from the barrel of my gun and put it back in my holster. Now the real work begins. There's a new Sheriff in town, and she intends to clean this place up. The click of my heels and the jingle of my spurs echo in the street, my feet walking with a new found confidence, with a goal in sight.
On my birthday tomorrow, I intend to blaze a trail in my twenty-eighth year.
Oh, and that whole "Guns" bit? Larry took me to the firing range and I fired a gun for the first time in my life. I've always wanted to and it just felt like the right time last year. Your thoughts on gun laws aside, this was a neat life experience for me. On the eve of turning 28, I wanted to reflect a little on the experience from last year, because it's been one helluva ride.
This is me, firing a Walther .22. Why, I'm a veritable James Bond. Nothing says badass like a butterfly wing t-shirt from Hot Topic. As I lined up my sight on the target, sweating and trying not to hyperventilate before I pulled a trigger for the first time in my life, I imagined exactly what I was shooting at:
Infertility.
The first bullet I ever fired was aimed squarely at it. I told myself that there was no way in hell I was ever going to let my infertility beat me.
And damn if I didn't let it this year.
Here's the thing: I am terrified of guns. Just to go to the shooting range and be so close to other people firing, as well as just seeing guns on the tables... it nearly sickened me. One of my biggest paranoid fears is getting shot. It's not like I live in an urban center (or ever have really; I'm a child of the suburbs) but I've always been legit paranoid of getting shot all my life. The act of firing a gun is incredibly powerful, sensually so: the slam of the hammer and feeling the recoil shoot back through your body, the sound of a small sonic boom reverberating so hard you feel it in your chest, the quick flash like a candid camera moment, and the intoxicating smell of gunpowder. By holding a gun, I was confronting a huge fear of mine. By firing it and directing it toward the thing I fear more than guns and being shot- not being able to have children- it was probably one of the most liberating things I've done.
Am I saying you should go out and shoot your infertility? No, not at all. Some people aren't into guns... like myself. I haven't been back to the firing range since. Why? Well, it was fun for an afternoon, but on the ride home, I had a panic attack, the first in a long time. All of the adrenalin and anxiety that had built up all day finally came out in a spectacular show of a racing pulse, tears, and near hyperventilation. I might have good aim (thank you Modern Warfare and years of first-person shooters), but I'm not a recreational shooter. I'm not the newest member of the NRA by any stretch of the imagination. This outing allowed me to cross something off my bucket list and to confront two major fears: guns and infertility.
Even if you don't go out to a firing range and write infertility on a paper target and shoot at it until it's torn to shreds, you can still put infertility in your sights. You can still duke it out Old West style in the Main Drag in your mind, draw your line, and fire. I made my ultimatum to infertility last year and I think I've kept good on my promise to myself.
It's taken a year for me to blow the smoke from the barrel of my gun and put it back in my holster. Now the real work begins. There's a new Sheriff in town, and she intends to clean this place up. The click of my heels and the jingle of my spurs echo in the street, my feet walking with a new found confidence, with a goal in sight.
On my birthday tomorrow, I intend to blaze a trail in my twenty-eighth year.
May 23, 2010
The LOST Finale & Infertility
How can I NOT talk about it? Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Locke, Sayid, Hurley, Desmond, Jin and Sun, hell, even Ben - they've been like family for the last six years. I'll say it now: spoilers abound, so if you haven't seen the finale yet, stop reading now. You've had your warning.
Why on earth would I talk about LOST here though, besides being a totally obsessed fan? Well, the commentary on fertility, life, death, and rebirth has always been a recurring element in the show. Ss someone who is now infertile and learning of this after half the show had aired - well, it's added an interesting element to my viewing. LOST definitely has had some Mommy issues. Women who conceive on the island die. Claire's baby Aaron has to be raised by Kate when Claire cannot escape the island. Jacob, the Man in Black, and Allison Janney as the most terrifying OB/GYN ever as we learn their backstory: birth and fertility have always been woven throughout the show.
EDIT:
...So I cheated and wrote those first three paragraphs a week ago in preparation for ICLW. I have now finished watching the finale, and since this is first I've been able to stop crying hysterically since the credits rolled, I'll try and write something cohesive. All infertility connections aside, this was a beautiful, moving, well-crafted ending to a moving, beautiful, well-crafted story. I'm still sitting here, stunned and a bit haunted by the final scenes.
When Juliet appeared (which I knew was coming when Elizabeth Mitchell's credit popped up in the opening and I may have squee-ed a bit) and performed Sun's ultrasound, I think that was the first time I started crying in the episode. Jin and Sun suddenly remember their island past, and it was just so powerful. Of course, as someone who may never even get to experience this kind of ultrasound, well, it hit home. Same thing for Claire's birth scene in Sideways world, as Kate remembers her island past as she helps to deliver Aaron (again).
In the last half hour of the finale, Kate convinces Claire to leave the island with them. Claire refuses to leave, saying, "This island's made me crazy, I can't be a mother to Aaron like this. I don't even know how to be a mother!"
Kate responds: "No one does, Claire- at least not at first. You're not alone."
Larry chuckled at my abundance of tears, thinking this was all just my reaction to the show, but again, like so many other scenes related to birth and fertility in this show, these words rang deeply within me. Through tears, I explained this to Larry, whose face softened and said, "That's sweet, then honey. It's good to know you're not alone."
Cue: more tears.
While I'm still trying to process the relative ambiguity of the final scene in the church, I'm still left with some of the greater concepts that the show left us with: family (however we define that), faith, love. The underlying message is of course is that what matters most is our experiences, our connections with one another, and the lives we build and craft for us. Like my existential musings last week, it felt like LOST was really speaking directly to my philosophical ponderings.
It's rare that I connect with a show like I have with LOST. Battlestar Galactica was a close second, but I never watched it while it aired. I ended up watching the whole show over 2 months on DVD (and I'm sorry, their finale BOMBED in terms of writing and closure compared to LOST). I think part of it was because that yes, the fertility elements of did resonate so strongly for me that it made the character experience that more human, that more real for me.
This post is a bit rambly since I'm still processing the last two and a half hours I just watched, but I wonder: are their shows or movies that have resonated strongly or differently for you given your journeys in infertility? What are they? How have they impacted you?
Why on earth would I talk about LOST here though, besides being a totally obsessed fan? Well, the commentary on fertility, life, death, and rebirth has always been a recurring element in the show. Ss someone who is now infertile and learning of this after half the show had aired - well, it's added an interesting element to my viewing. LOST definitely has had some Mommy issues. Women who conceive on the island die. Claire's baby Aaron has to be raised by Kate when Claire cannot escape the island. Jacob, the Man in Black, and Allison Janney as the most terrifying OB/GYN ever as we learn their backstory: birth and fertility have always been woven throughout the show.
EDIT:
...So I cheated and wrote those first three paragraphs a week ago in preparation for ICLW. I have now finished watching the finale, and since this is first I've been able to stop crying hysterically since the credits rolled, I'll try and write something cohesive. All infertility connections aside, this was a beautiful, moving, well-crafted ending to a moving, beautiful, well-crafted story. I'm still sitting here, stunned and a bit haunted by the final scenes.
Did I mention spoilers abound? Seriously, stop reading right now if you haven't seen it.
In the last half hour of the finale, Kate convinces Claire to leave the island with them. Claire refuses to leave, saying, "This island's made me crazy, I can't be a mother to Aaron like this. I don't even know how to be a mother!"
Kate responds: "No one does, Claire- at least not at first. You're not alone."
Larry chuckled at my abundance of tears, thinking this was all just my reaction to the show, but again, like so many other scenes related to birth and fertility in this show, these words rang deeply within me. Through tears, I explained this to Larry, whose face softened and said, "That's sweet, then honey. It's good to know you're not alone."
Cue: more tears.
While I'm still trying to process the relative ambiguity of the final scene in the church, I'm still left with some of the greater concepts that the show left us with: family (however we define that), faith, love. The underlying message is of course is that what matters most is our experiences, our connections with one another, and the lives we build and craft for us. Like my existential musings last week, it felt like LOST was really speaking directly to my philosophical ponderings.
It's rare that I connect with a show like I have with LOST. Battlestar Galactica was a close second, but I never watched it while it aired. I ended up watching the whole show over 2 months on DVD (and I'm sorry, their finale BOMBED in terms of writing and closure compared to LOST). I think part of it was because that yes, the fertility elements of did resonate so strongly for me that it made the character experience that more human, that more real for me.
This post is a bit rambly since I'm still processing the last two and a half hours I just watched, but I wonder: are their shows or movies that have resonated strongly or differently for you given your journeys in infertility? What are they? How have they impacted you?
May 22, 2010
Thought for Food
I mentioned my husband and I have begun seeing a nutritionist. Hooray! It's another opportunity to invent a pseudonym! So, I'm going to calling her Dr. Organic. She's not a doctor, but she's wicked smart, and I like the way the name sounds.
So. Dr. Organic is a foodie like us! She gets it when we enjoy tasting, eating, and cooking. She understands that we live in such a great restaurant city how could we not go out all the time? She understands that food isn't just sustenance: it's a sensual, emotional experience. She appreciates our love of cheese, local foods, and gourmet experimentation in the kitchen. She appreciates the value of shallots. That says a lot to me.
In our first appointment with her, we realized what our biggest problem was: our eating habits and schedule were so chaotic. Our bigger problem? We never go grocery shopping. I come home from work, we play the "What's for dinner game?" and in our laziness either go out or order in because it's easier than going to the store, getting all the ingredients, coming home, and cooking. And we weren't making good choices about the places we'd go out to eat.
Dr. Organic's suggestion was so simple: plan your meals for the week. We spent a session just planning out what we'd eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner each day. We made a grocery list. We went shopping at the start of that week. It felt revolutionary to Larry and I, but it was the easiest solution staring us in the face the whole time.
By planning breakfasts, it reminded me there was food in the fridge or fruit in the bowl that needed to get eaten or it would go to waste. Our other problem was not eating breakfast. I never put it together, but when you have dinner at 8pm, go to bed at midnight, and don't eat again until noon, you're going almost 15 hours without eating. Your body goes into feast or famine mode, so it holds onto EVERYTHING in an effort to compensate for the fact that your body thinks it's not going to eat again, so it better start storing up all that fat. Who knew? So now I eat breakfast. It started small: a cup of yogurt here, a piece of fruit there. Now Dr. Organic is pushing us to have a little bit of something from each food group: maybe yogurt with berries and granola, or a quiche cup that we make in batches and freeze until we're ready to eat them. We've learned to make use of our freezer, to cook in advance, and adjust when our moods change and we suddenly don't feel like Tacos on Tuesday. (But I mean, how could you not, it's Taco Tuesday?!)
All this planning has helped bring a sense of structure to our somewhat chaotic schedules. We don't homecook every night; we plan nights and meals out, but we're putting so much more thought into what we eat. We're learning to compromise. If I had some cookies after lunch, do I really need dessert after dinner? If I'm ordering noodles at my favorite Japanese place, do I need the sushi or can I just get the sashimi? I really just want the fish, so why have all that extra rice with my noodles?
Larry and I don't do diets. And Dr. Organic doesn't weigh us, doesn't make us count calories. She's helping to create a lifestyle change, a cultural shift in our culinary pursuits. She's challenging us to engage our minds, not just our tastebuds. And we're losing weight- nothing dramatic, but it's happening at a natural pace in step with our lifestyle changes.
And change is delicious.
So. Dr. Organic is a foodie like us! She gets it when we enjoy tasting, eating, and cooking. She understands that we live in such a great restaurant city how could we not go out all the time? She understands that food isn't just sustenance: it's a sensual, emotional experience. She appreciates our love of cheese, local foods, and gourmet experimentation in the kitchen. She appreciates the value of shallots. That says a lot to me.
In our first appointment with her, we realized what our biggest problem was: our eating habits and schedule were so chaotic. Our bigger problem? We never go grocery shopping. I come home from work, we play the "What's for dinner game?" and in our laziness either go out or order in because it's easier than going to the store, getting all the ingredients, coming home, and cooking. And we weren't making good choices about the places we'd go out to eat.
Dr. Organic's suggestion was so simple: plan your meals for the week. We spent a session just planning out what we'd eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner each day. We made a grocery list. We went shopping at the start of that week. It felt revolutionary to Larry and I, but it was the easiest solution staring us in the face the whole time.
By planning breakfasts, it reminded me there was food in the fridge or fruit in the bowl that needed to get eaten or it would go to waste. Our other problem was not eating breakfast. I never put it together, but when you have dinner at 8pm, go to bed at midnight, and don't eat again until noon, you're going almost 15 hours without eating. Your body goes into feast or famine mode, so it holds onto EVERYTHING in an effort to compensate for the fact that your body thinks it's not going to eat again, so it better start storing up all that fat. Who knew? So now I eat breakfast. It started small: a cup of yogurt here, a piece of fruit there. Now Dr. Organic is pushing us to have a little bit of something from each food group: maybe yogurt with berries and granola, or a quiche cup that we make in batches and freeze until we're ready to eat them. We've learned to make use of our freezer, to cook in advance, and adjust when our moods change and we suddenly don't feel like Tacos on Tuesday. (But I mean, how could you not, it's Taco Tuesday?!)
All this planning has helped bring a sense of structure to our somewhat chaotic schedules. We don't homecook every night; we plan nights and meals out, but we're putting so much more thought into what we eat. We're learning to compromise. If I had some cookies after lunch, do I really need dessert after dinner? If I'm ordering noodles at my favorite Japanese place, do I need the sushi or can I just get the sashimi? I really just want the fish, so why have all that extra rice with my noodles?
Larry and I don't do diets. And Dr. Organic doesn't weigh us, doesn't make us count calories. She's helping to create a lifestyle change, a cultural shift in our culinary pursuits. She's challenging us to engage our minds, not just our tastebuds. And we're losing weight- nothing dramatic, but it's happening at a natural pace in step with our lifestyle changes.
And change is delicious.
May 21, 2010
Welcome to May's ICLW!
Hi there! If you're new to the blog, feel free to poke around and check things out. Lots of info about me, this blog, and my interests are scattered all about. The About Keiko and Important Posts are good places to start. Also, make sure to check out the other folks participating in this month's ICLW.
Briefly: Hi! I'm Keiko. *waves* Welcome to my blog. And yes, that's my real name and face everywhere. No more hiding. I'm infertile, big whoop internet. Moving on... :)
I'm Jewish, I'm half-Japanese, I'm a video gamer, blogger, scrapbooker, wine snob and I freakin' love food, I'm seeing a nutrionist with my husband b/c we love food a bit too much, I've got POF and Hashi's, and we're decided to adopt in lieu of pursuing ART. While it's hella more expensive, I'm a huge chicken when it comes to medical stuff and I've been through a lot in the last year, so I'm just not up to more needles and doctor's visits. We hope to get the ball rolling on finding an agency within the next 3-4 months from now.
I'm just a month away from being a first-time Auntie and I can't wait to meet my neice. She's the first grandchild in my family, and she is going to have the best Mom and Dad ever, my sister "Otter" and my BIL "Thor."
I participate in this awesome thing called The Red Tent Temple Movement. I go to the Salem, MA chapter the first Monday after every new moon with a good friend of mine, "Honeybee." It is restorative, empowering, beautiful, and helps me to maintain my sense of womanly cycles since I don't get them anymore.
I made an award-winning short film last month chronicling my experience with infertility (click the What If? Video link above or to the right for more info) that has completely shaped and changed what I want to be when I grow up. Currently, I work in higher education. I've been living in a student residence hall for 3+ years now, and I'm kind of done living in a dorm. I've discovered that health advocacy is my true calling, as I've learned since making this video and seeing its impact. I'm at the right point to transition out of my current career field and into another. I'm currently looking for health advocacy opportunities in the Boston Metro area for an immediate start. Got any leads? Shoot me an email (on the Facebook badge on my right sidebar).
Also in the spirit of advocacy, I'm creating a network of Massachusetts-based infertility bloggers. Do you live in Massachusetts and blog about infertility? I'd love to get to know you. Check out this post for more info on how you can join!
Other things... I turn 28 on Tuesday, May 25th. I'm feeling a lot better about my approaching birthday this year than I did last year. That's saying a lot, because I don't normally get all excited for my birthday. This year? This year we're going to The Melting Pot. I've never been, and boy howdy - do I love me some cheese.
Last month, I made Iron Commenter. This month, I'm turning the tables: 7 days = 7 posts. I'm going to try and post every single day for the entire week, so stop back each day to see what's new!
Welcome and thanks for stopping by. If you feel so inclined, feel free to follow this blog*, follow me on Twitter, or friend me on Facebook. I'm looking forward to meeting and connecting with new folks to my blog! *If I hit 200 followers to this blog before the end of ICLW, I think I'll have to throw my first giveaway, so spread the word!
Briefly: Hi! I'm Keiko. *waves* Welcome to my blog. And yes, that's my real name and face everywhere. No more hiding. I'm infertile, big whoop internet. Moving on... :)
I'm Jewish, I'm half-Japanese, I'm a video gamer, blogger, scrapbooker, wine snob and I freakin' love food, I'm seeing a nutrionist with my husband b/c we love food a bit too much, I've got POF and Hashi's, and we're decided to adopt in lieu of pursuing ART. While it's hella more expensive, I'm a huge chicken when it comes to medical stuff and I've been through a lot in the last year, so I'm just not up to more needles and doctor's visits. We hope to get the ball rolling on finding an agency within the next 3-4 months from now.
I'm just a month away from being a first-time Auntie and I can't wait to meet my neice. She's the first grandchild in my family, and she is going to have the best Mom and Dad ever, my sister "Otter" and my BIL "Thor."
I participate in this awesome thing called The Red Tent Temple Movement. I go to the Salem, MA chapter the first Monday after every new moon with a good friend of mine, "Honeybee." It is restorative, empowering, beautiful, and helps me to maintain my sense of womanly cycles since I don't get them anymore.
I made an award-winning short film last month chronicling my experience with infertility (click the What If? Video link above or to the right for more info) that has completely shaped and changed what I want to be when I grow up. Currently, I work in higher education. I've been living in a student residence hall for 3+ years now, and I'm kind of done living in a dorm. I've discovered that health advocacy is my true calling, as I've learned since making this video and seeing its impact. I'm at the right point to transition out of my current career field and into another. I'm currently looking for health advocacy opportunities in the Boston Metro area for an immediate start. Got any leads? Shoot me an email (on the Facebook badge on my right sidebar).
Also in the spirit of advocacy, I'm creating a network of Massachusetts-based infertility bloggers. Do you live in Massachusetts and blog about infertility? I'd love to get to know you. Check out this post for more info on how you can join!
Other things... I turn 28 on Tuesday, May 25th. I'm feeling a lot better about my approaching birthday this year than I did last year. That's saying a lot, because I don't normally get all excited for my birthday. This year? This year we're going to The Melting Pot. I've never been, and boy howdy - do I love me some cheese.
Last month, I made Iron Commenter. This month, I'm turning the tables: 7 days = 7 posts. I'm going to try and post every single day for the entire week, so stop back each day to see what's new!
Welcome and thanks for stopping by. If you feel so inclined, feel free to follow this blog*, follow me on Twitter, or friend me on Facebook. I'm looking forward to meeting and connecting with new folks to my blog! *If I hit 200 followers to this blog before the end of ICLW, I think I'll have to throw my first giveaway, so spread the word!
Happy Commenting & Happy ICLW!
April 28, 2010
ICLW May Be Over, But NIAW is in Full Swing!
I did it. 170 blogs (3 went down since the list went up). 170 comments in 7 days. I made my first Iron Commenter! I have found so many new blogs to follow- check my right sidebar to who I've added. I've found a ton of adoption blogs- check out my left sidebar just to see all the adoption bloggers I'm following. But most of all, I've met and made connections with so many people. The experience of making these connections is just amazing. Iron Commenter is indeed not for the faint of heart, but it is worth it, so worth it.
Like the post title says, ICLW may be over at midnight tonight, but that doesn't mean the comments have to stop. This has definitely kicked my butt into being a better active partipant in the ALI blogosphere. The sheer value in the connections I've made will only last if I keep up my end: reading, commenting, sharing stories.
Just because ICLW is over doesn't mean that NIAW is even close to being done! There's a lot happening on Capitol Hill right now. Melissa Ford of Stirrup Queens has posted her remarks she gave this morning at the infertility briefing on the Hill. They are powerful and inspiring. They remind me of why it is that I'm out and outspoken about my IF: because we need the government to act! She's there today with the executive leadership of RESOLVE. I hope they're making waves.
What else can you do to raise awareness? You can tweet about it, Facebook it, blog about it... make sure you Stumbleupon and Kirtsy and Digg and Reddit your links too! You can be out and outspoken about your infertility. Like Iron Commenter, it's not for the faint of heart, but damn if it doesn't feel good. "But what IF I'm too nervous about outing myself?" you ask? Well, here, let me do it for you. Use me as your stand-in, and share my What IF? A Portrait of Infertility video. Just spread it with words like "Because 1 in 8 is someone you know. This video is about a very important cause." And then leave it at that. *wipes hands* See? Infertility activism and advocacy is easy.
Other ways to raise awareness? Check out all of the blogs participating in #ProjectIF. Retweet @resolveorg or follow them on Twitter. Use hashtag #infertility in your tweets. Link to other bloggers on your blog, or even better yet- on your Facebook.
There's still 4 days left, including today, to raise awareness for National Infertility Awareness Week. Take just a few minutes each day and keep the awareness going!
Like the post title says, ICLW may be over at midnight tonight, but that doesn't mean the comments have to stop. This has definitely kicked my butt into being a better active partipant in the ALI blogosphere. The sheer value in the connections I've made will only last if I keep up my end: reading, commenting, sharing stories.
Just because ICLW is over doesn't mean that NIAW is even close to being done! There's a lot happening on Capitol Hill right now. Melissa Ford of Stirrup Queens has posted her remarks she gave this morning at the infertility briefing on the Hill. They are powerful and inspiring. They remind me of why it is that I'm out and outspoken about my IF: because we need the government to act! She's there today with the executive leadership of RESOLVE. I hope they're making waves.
What else can you do to raise awareness? You can tweet about it, Facebook it, blog about it... make sure you Stumbleupon and Kirtsy and Digg and Reddit your links too! You can be out and outspoken about your infertility. Like Iron Commenter, it's not for the faint of heart, but damn if it doesn't feel good. "But what IF I'm too nervous about outing myself?" you ask? Well, here, let me do it for you. Use me as your stand-in, and share my What IF? A Portrait of Infertility video. Just spread it with words like "Because 1 in 8 is someone you know. This video is about a very important cause." And then leave it at that. *wipes hands* See? Infertility activism and advocacy is easy.
Other ways to raise awareness? Check out all of the blogs participating in #ProjectIF. Retweet @resolveorg or follow them on Twitter. Use hashtag #infertility in your tweets. Link to other bloggers on your blog, or even better yet- on your Facebook.
There's still 4 days left, including today, to raise awareness for National Infertility Awareness Week. Take just a few minutes each day and keep the awareness going!
April 25, 2010
What IF?
What IF? from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.
What IF I can't pick myself back up after each setback?
I have seen the gamut of human experience and emotion this week. I've been going for Iron Commenter for ICLW, my first time trying it. I've read so much already - for every small victory: Aunt Flo still hasn't shown up, a successful transfer, social workers secured- there are just as many crushing setbacks: empty yolk sacs, canceled IUIs, no matured blasts, the birthmother backed out. I've read and commented on just over half of this month's participating blogs so far, and the sheer variety and depth of experiences is humbling, overwhelming, and at times, comforting. When you find someone, an otherwise stranger to you, who is going through nearly the same experiences, positive or otherwise, there is instant kinship between you and she, somewhere in the mix of wires and signals and binary code. In this mess of electronic tangles, we find connection.
If there's one thing I've learned so far in this year of coping, crying, laughing, and learning, it's that the road through infertility is indeed a bumpy one, and sometimes we diverge so far off course we hardly even recognize where we are anymore or from where we've come. All we know is that we are weary from the journey.
My hope in making this video was to answer this question above, to inspire those struggling with any aspect of IF to find the strength to press on, to find peace, to remain inspired and to remind them to be true to themselves.
Like most ventures on the internet, I got scared of putting my real name out there, much less my face. I hid behind my Hebrew name because it was convenient, and I think because in many ways, I was still ashamed, angry, and bitter at my diagnosis. Over this past year, I have grown and learned so much. I wouldn't say I've healed completely, but I've let go of a lot of baggage and realized that I can only move forward with my life if I allow myself to do so. I have found and met amazing people on the internet and in real life who understand this struggle. And I realized that legislators don't care about internet pseudonyms. They care about constituents with names, verifiable addresses, and most of all, votes.
So, allow me to introduce myself, dear readers:
Hi. I'm Keiko Zoll. *waves* Yes, my Hebrew name is Miriam. (I'm still the same old Miriam, but you can call me Keiko. I wasn't kidding when I said I was half-Japanese.) Yes, I'm 27 years old and yes, I live in Boston, MA. I still love food, travel, camping, scrapbooking, and playing a ridiculous amount of Modern Warfare 2.
I live and cope with my infertility every single day, but I refuse to let it bring me down.
What IF my video can help erase some of the stigma surrounding infertility, and give a voice to millions who may be otherwise silent?
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Click here for the complete What IF list.
Click here to see who else is participating in #ProjectIF.
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UPDATE: Read how this video has been received and my advocacy efforts two months later.
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UPDATE: Read how this video has been received and my advocacy efforts two months later.
April 21, 2010
Welcome to April's ICLW!
Hi there! If you're stopping by from ICLW, welcome and thanks for visiting. I think most of my pages and tags should be good places to get started to know a little bit more about this blog, but here's the quick and dirty reader's digest version with links to relevant blog posts to get you up to speed:
- Hi! I'm
MiriamKeiko. The hubs isAriLarry. We are so totally in love it's kind of ridiculous; we're high school sweethearts of 10+ years, only married for the last 2.5. We're Jewish, we love food, we love to travel. Oh, and we really want to be parents. - I've got one ovary, and it's way busted (premature ovarian failure). My thyroid is also pretty busted (Hashimoto's thyroiditis). Our options, as I was told a year ago, is IVF with DE or adoption.
- Current treatments: birth control pills as hormone replacement therapy. I'm currently having my first "period" in over a year. I use the term loosely since it's really just withdrawal bleeding from skipping a couple of days of the pill. Also, I'm on Levoxyl for my thyroid. I've got a regular thyroid monitoring appointment on Thursday.
- After much ruminating, we've decided to pursue adoption! Like, literally finalized this decision a couple of weeks ago. We're still in the info gathering stages and have lots of questions. I'm definitely on the hunt for other adoption bloggers to follow.
- Next week is National Infertility Awareness Week. It's a cause near and dear to my heart.
I look forward to discovering new blogs and meeting new bloggers this week. I'm also going for Iron Commenter status, and working on What IF: Part Two, so I'm hoping to get in at least 2 posts this week, but it might be rough. Want to know more? Leave me a comment or shoot me at email (miriamshope AT gmail).
Happy commenting this week!
EDIT: In light of posting my What IF? video, I've put our real names up here and changed my "About Me" page.
EDIT: In light of posting my What IF? video, I've put our real names up here and changed my "About Me" page.
November 21, 2009
Welcome to November's IComLeavWe!
Welcome new folks stopping by for ICLW: Hi, I'm Miriam! *waves* (not my real name, but my Hebrew name). Welcome to Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed. For more info on those ladies, check out the link to the right. For more info in general about me and how I got here, again, head on over to the right column. And for the latest fun in my life, check out the few posts below this one.
I thought I'd kick off this ICLW with an A to Z meme. Here we go:
Ari: My husband, my soulmate, my best friend of over a decade, and yet we haven't even been married 2 years. Not his real name; his Hebrew name as well.
Boston: Moved here almost 2.5 years ago, and love living in MA, minus the winters.
Camping: Still a relatively new hobby within the last few years, and I love it.
Donor egg: This is pretty much our only option for me to be pregnant. Saving up the money and trying to get our lives in order to make this happen in the next few years.
Entrepreneur: Another reference to my husband, Ari - he just started his own business in the last month, after being laid off for nearly 8 months.
Foodie: Wine, cheese, sauces made with butter, garlic, creme... these are a few of my favorite things.
Geocaching: A new hobby within the last few months, it's quickly becoming one of my favorite ways to spend the weekend with my husband.
Hashimoto's thyroiditis: An autoimmune thyroid disorder where my body is attacking my thyroid, rendering it pretty much useless. Dx'd with Hashi's just a month or so after my POF Dx.
INFP: My MBTI personality. This says volumes about me, actually.
JBC (Jew-by-choice): I converted in 2007. My Judaism and my faith are very important, defining aspects of my character.
Kafka On the Shore: One of my favorite novels, by Japanese writer Haruki Murakami.
Listening to: Lots of Radiohead, Thom Yorke, Muse, and Annie Lennox on the iPod right now.
Miriam: I chose this as my Hebrew name b/c she was the songstress of the Torah, leading the people of Israel in song and dance when they escaped the Egyptians after cross the Sea of Reeds. She also provided the Israelites with a mystical traveling well to sustain them during their years of wandering.
Not sure of what's next: Finances, jobs, and housing just aren't lining up the way we'd like to right now, so any kind of IF treatment just isn't possible right now, and I'm terribly impatient.
Oophorectomy: I had my left ovary removed in November of 2000 from a torsioned cyst.
Premature ovarian failure: Diagnosed in March of this year; my remaining ovary simply doesn't have any follicles left. Essentially, I've gone into menopause at age 26.
Questioning if adoption is really right for us.
Red Tent Temple: A monthly gathering of women I go to. See two entries down for more info.
Sushi: I love it, so much.
Tequila: My liquor of choice.
Up: My favorite movie right now. Everything from how it handled IF, to "Adventure is out there!" - it's a beautiful, powerful, wonderfully adult movie that just happens to be animated.
Vacations: We honeymooned in Disney World and took a Disney cruise to the Bahamas, did a 5-day tour of California, and just spent two weeks in Japan last month.
Wish: That 2010 will be a much better year than 2009, b/c boy, 2009 sucked.
eXtra Facts About Me: I hold a beauty pageant title from high school, have sung at Carnegie Hall, and I love graphic design.
Yardsaling: Another favorite pasttime with my husband.
Zazz: A word I associate with Metalocalypse, one of my favorite shows on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim.
I thought I'd kick off this ICLW with an A to Z meme. Here we go:
Ari: My husband, my soulmate, my best friend of over a decade, and yet we haven't even been married 2 years. Not his real name; his Hebrew name as well.
Boston: Moved here almost 2.5 years ago, and love living in MA, minus the winters.
Camping: Still a relatively new hobby within the last few years, and I love it.
Donor egg: This is pretty much our only option for me to be pregnant. Saving up the money and trying to get our lives in order to make this happen in the next few years.
Entrepreneur: Another reference to my husband, Ari - he just started his own business in the last month, after being laid off for nearly 8 months.
Foodie: Wine, cheese, sauces made with butter, garlic, creme... these are a few of my favorite things.
Geocaching: A new hobby within the last few months, it's quickly becoming one of my favorite ways to spend the weekend with my husband.
Hashimoto's thyroiditis: An autoimmune thyroid disorder where my body is attacking my thyroid, rendering it pretty much useless. Dx'd with Hashi's just a month or so after my POF Dx.
INFP: My MBTI personality. This says volumes about me, actually.
JBC (Jew-by-choice): I converted in 2007. My Judaism and my faith are very important, defining aspects of my character.
Kafka On the Shore: One of my favorite novels, by Japanese writer Haruki Murakami.
Listening to: Lots of Radiohead, Thom Yorke, Muse, and Annie Lennox on the iPod right now.
Miriam: I chose this as my Hebrew name b/c she was the songstress of the Torah, leading the people of Israel in song and dance when they escaped the Egyptians after cross the Sea of Reeds. She also provided the Israelites with a mystical traveling well to sustain them during their years of wandering.
Not sure of what's next: Finances, jobs, and housing just aren't lining up the way we'd like to right now, so any kind of IF treatment just isn't possible right now, and I'm terribly impatient.
Oophorectomy: I had my left ovary removed in November of 2000 from a torsioned cyst.
Premature ovarian failure: Diagnosed in March of this year; my remaining ovary simply doesn't have any follicles left. Essentially, I've gone into menopause at age 26.
Questioning if adoption is really right for us.
Red Tent Temple: A monthly gathering of women I go to. See two entries down for more info.
Sushi: I love it, so much.
Tequila: My liquor of choice.
Up: My favorite movie right now. Everything from how it handled IF, to "Adventure is out there!" - it's a beautiful, powerful, wonderfully adult movie that just happens to be animated.
Vacations: We honeymooned in Disney World and took a Disney cruise to the Bahamas, did a 5-day tour of California, and just spent two weeks in Japan last month.
Wish: That 2010 will be a much better year than 2009, b/c boy, 2009 sucked.
eXtra Facts About Me: I hold a beauty pageant title from high school, have sung at Carnegie Hall, and I love graphic design.
Yardsaling: Another favorite pasttime with my husband.
Zazz: A word I associate with Metalocalypse, one of my favorite shows on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim.
May 18, 2009
losing steam
i've been a bad blogger. i signed up for last month's IComLeWe and couldn't leave as many comments as i meant to b/c i don't have flash on my work computer (yeah, i know i shouldn't be doing all of this at work, but whatever.) by the time i got home, there was other stuff to do, so no comments. i'm wondering if it makes sense then, to sign up for this month's.
i've been peeking into others' blogs here and there, but i've just lost a lot of that initial Dx steam i had a month ago. really, i just kind of feel numb about the whole thing. but i got a great piece of advice from another community, and i wanted to post it here for posterity, b/c rationally, i'm totally on board with it. i just need to let it sink in emotionally, so i thought keeping it here might help to that end:
i've been peeking into others' blogs here and there, but i've just lost a lot of that initial Dx steam i had a month ago. really, i just kind of feel numb about the whole thing. but i got a great piece of advice from another community, and i wanted to post it here for posterity, b/c rationally, i'm totally on board with it. i just need to let it sink in emotionally, so i thought keeping it here might help to that end:
I can see that you feel guilty that you aren't happy for your friend; as a caring person, it can be such an unwelcomed surprise that you don't feel what you think you should. IF tends to sneak in and chip away at your soul without you realizing the scope of the damage. I go through cycles of emotions, but I learned early on in our journey that I cannot judge myself based on how I *think* I should feel, and just accept what I do feel. It's not good or bad, it just is. There are times I'm discouraged and frustrated by my emotions, but that gets me nowhere, so I give them free reign and eventually they recede. The only emotion I nurture along is hope and happiness, because even though I accept my moments of negativity, I know I am most entitled to my feelings of joy. Hang in there.you know what, i am going to sign up for this month's ICLW. maybe it'll get my ass in gear.
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