I'm a Night of Hope Award winner!

I've been holding on to this news for over a month, and now that the eUpdate has been sent out by RESOLVE, I can finally spill the beans...

RESOLVE has awarded me Best Viral Video for their annual Night of Hope Awards! I am floored, honored, and truly humbled. RESOLVE described the award in their email blast today:

RESOLVE is proud to announce the inaugural Team RESOLVE Choice Award for Best Viral Video. A viral video by definition is a video that becomes popular by sharing it via the internet. This year’s winner not only created a popular video, but created a video that captured the essence of the “What IF?” project launched during National Infertility Awareness Week®. Congratulations Keiko Zoll and those involved with the video “What IF? A portrait of infertility.”

Congrats also to the other two Team RESOLVE Choice Award winners: the Best Book Award went to Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos, author of Silent Sorority and the Best Blog Award to Julie Robichaux of A Little Pregnant!

The Night of Hope Awards will take place on Tuesday, September 28th at Gaustavino's in New York City. Larry and I are looking forward to making a long weekend out of it. NOH looks like it's going to be a fabulous evening of celebration, and I can't wait to finally meet some folks in person whom with I've only ever corresponded through blogs or emails. I've been going nuts sitting on this news for so long, but the cat's outta the bag now!

But more importantly...

This video could only go viral because of you.

To everyone who's ever clicked play; to everyone who posted it on their blog, or Twitter, or Facebook, or wherever; to everyone who said to someone else, "Hey, you gotta watch this" and showed them my video - thank you all so much.

House hunting, volunteering, and 2 blogs you should read now

This post is a whole mishmash of stuff. The house hunt continues, although things just got interesting with the house we made an offer on two weeks ago. They had their open house on Sunday, but no takers. Our agent talked with their agent and thinks we can make another offer on their recently dropped price. We really thought we needed to walk away, but it looks like we have a few steps back and a look over our shoulder to make first. There's just something about this place that keeps bringing us back there.

We've got 3 more homes to tour tonight, one of which Larry is particularly drawn to. I'm still on the fence and need to see it in person. We're cutting it close... we have to be out of my dorm by August 15. We've given ourselves until July 15 to have a solid lead on a house, or we're going to look at some month-to-month rentals in the area and trying shopping again in the winter. House hunting is just like getting engaged. At first, you're excited and you can't wait to start buying everything and imagining what it's going to look like, but once you get neck-deep in the planning, it's a beast. Other updates after the cut.

Other updates... Willow is still being adorable, doing that whole "less than a week old gee the world is new and shiny" thing. My sister is doing better. Brother-in-law is still beaming. I'm now incredibly impatient for when I can start taking my niece on mall runs and start talking about boys and getting mani/pedis.

Today starts the official first day of my job promotion. Lots of great planning sessions at work for this coming year. I haven't felt this energized about my work in nearly 2 years, so it's a good feeling. Only thing I'm not looking forward to is working two hours Saturday morning and three hours Monday afternoon... yes, we're closed and yes, I still have to be there. Bummer.

Volunteered at the RESOLVE of New England Annual Fundraising Telethon and helped to raise $555 last night! My numbers were totally boosted by a very generous contribution from my mom in honor of her new granddaughter. Still, it was the first volunteer event I've been able to do in my new role as Board member, and I had a lot of fun doing it. If you feel so inclined to donate, you can do so here online. No amount is too small and even $1 can help and your support is always appreciated. *takes off her fundraiser hat*

Two other important blog posts I'd like to promote as well.

1. A Half-Baked Life writes:

Today, this is what I'm thinking: we need to be kind to each other. We need to be able to talk about (or at least be present to) sad, unimaginable things in the way that we celebrate the joyful ones, to remember the losses as we remember the birthdays, not because we should dwell on what is depressing, but because death is a part of life. We are such strange, half-invisible creatures sometimes, hiding our shadows.

The rest of the post is really stunning, and gives us pause for reflection. I feel like I've been reading so many loss announcements recently and in the wake of the loss of my own grandmother, I found her post really comforting. Go read the rest.

2. My friend Jessa of Two Big J's, One Little E is running a card drive for a friend and fellow blogger, Kim. Kim was diagnosed with cervical cancer during her pregnancy last year and had to deliver her son early. Son is fine, but mother is not; the pregnancy saved her life in that her cancer would never have been detected otherwise. Kim is currently undergoing cancer treatments with no insurance- she lost her job just before her diagnosis. Jessa has all the details here of how you can participate in the card drive. Cards will be mailed to Kim on July 15. If you can send some love to her, it would be some seriously good karma.

That's all I've got for now. I'll probably take a break from posting this weekend for the holiday, but I'll be back up and running next week. Until then, for my readers in the States: Happy July 4th! Be safe out there and enjoy the weekend.

Photo by WoodleyWonderWorks via Flickr.

What IF: Two Months Later

It all started two months ago with #ProjectIF.

Two months ago to the day, I posted my What IF? video online.


What IF? A Portrait of Infertility on Vimeo.
Two months ago, I thought I would merely post on my little corner of the internet and let the blogosphere pass me by. Two months ago, I came out of the infertility closet. True, my friends and family were more than aware of who was writing this blog. Yet, I put my name, my face, my contact information to these What IFs, to a story that's told over and over and over again in the infertility community. Two months ago, I became an infertility advocate the moment I hit "record" on my digital camera. Standing here, two months later, and looking back, I marvel at the distance I've traveled in just two months' time.

I'm writing this post as part of WEGO Health's June Blog Carnival: Your Best Health Activist Moment. Click the link to read more and to find out how you can participate! This post has allowed me to explore some of the true highlights of the past two months in my health advocacy. It's hard to just pick one: so much has happened and I've been deeply affected by them all.

The first moment was when my video went viral. In just 11 days of publishing my video online, it received 10,000 plays. Currently, it has about 17,500 plays, and grows little by slowly. A lot of that initial momentum has dropped off, to be expected. That was when I realized my advocacy work was generating buzz: people were talking, tweeting, sharing.

The second moment was when I received a call from Rebecca Flick at RESOLVE's national headquarters in Washington. You often think of national organizations as nameless, faceless giants with no real person-to-person connection between Organization with a capital O and its members. All of that bias I held was erased the moment Rebecca and I began talking. RESOLVE really is here for its members, and they work tirelessly for them whether it's providing education and support or lobbying for change. The work alone to keep RESOLVE current with social media trends is exhausting enough. When Rebecca told me I had RESOLVE's full support to spread this video to the masses, this was when I was first beginning to realize that I had embarked on something much bigger than I had originally thought.

The third moment was when I was contacted by Dr. Lawrence Nelson of the NICHD. Dr. Nelson was the first resource I turned to after I was first diagnosed with premature ovarian failure: a quick Google search brought up much of his literature and even an informational video that I posted as one of my first handful of posts on this blog. Dr. Nelson has become one of the leading experts on POF/POI in the nation, and his passion to develop comprehensive and compassionate treatment for the disease is inspiring. We have since been corresponding on ways I can bring my experience with post-diagnosis coping and healing into some kind of treatment protocol for other women diagnosed with POF/POI. Apparently, I've handled my diagnosis remarkably well for a woman of only 26 at the time. In this moment, I realized that my experience mattered to other people.

The fourth moment happened right here in my own backyard after meeting with a networking group of regional infertility professionals. I made some great connections and contacts and had a chance to brainstorm ideas, raise issues, and get feedback. The real honor came when I was asked last month to apply to the RESOLVE of New England Board of Directors, of which I was unanimously voted in last Thursday. This was when I realized the possibilities ahead of me with local advocacy efforts.

But of all the moments in the past two months? My childhood best friend sending me a message on Facebook telling me she is a three-time egg donor. A work colleague of mine (who I just goof off with 90% of the time I see him) closing the door in my office and confessing that his son was a miracle after recurrent miscarriages. The blogger who reposted my video who works in the healthcare field who changed her mind about mandated infertility treatment coverage and how it really should be covered by insurance companies. The dear friend who I had no idea was having trouble conceiving a second child. A friend of mine who I'm still getting to know who pulls me aside after a gathering one night and thanks me for posting on my blog that it's okay to feel mean and jealous and spiteful of all those big round bellies that aren't hers. The long emails from strangers telling me their stories: all of their heartbreak, triumph, and waiting- finally sharing it for the first time with someone other than their partner.

Like a sudden rain across still waters, the ripples growing and colliding with one another, the water a network of waves and movement - it was these moments of personal connection that have impacted me the most in my activism. These personal connections begin lacing and crossing one another, creating a network of support, education, activism and research that grows stronger and tighter with each connection.

What a different place at which I stand two months later... and I cannot wait to see from where I stand a year from now, so see how far the ripples have spread.

Photo by Hiroyuki Takeda via Flickr.

Team RESOLVE Choice Awards: Best Infertility Blog & Book

The annual RESOLVE Night of Hope recognizes leaders making strides in the infertility fields, from doctors, nurses, and clinics to advocates, researchers, and employers. Hope Awards are given in a variety of categories, for Service, Advocacy, and Innovation, to name a few. There are also two awards voted on by the community: Best Infertility Blog and Best Infertility Book. Excerpts from each nominee in each category are available. Voting ends this Thursday, so make sure you go vote now, and spread the word via Twitter, Facebook, your own blog, and wherever else you post. It's an incredible award and I know the very deserving nominees would appreciate your votes!

The Best IF Blogs were selected from over 185 entries to Melissa Ford and RESOLVE's collaborative blog project during National Infertility Awareness Week back in April. #ProjectIF asked ALI bloggers to put their "What IFs?" of infertility out there, and then answer those questions. From those response posts, five blogs were chosen as nominees for the Best Blog category. Their What IF posts, and I have read each of them- are powerful, moving, relatable, beautiful. Do take the time to read them before you vote.

The Best IF Books were selected by nominations from the ALI community. A call from RESOLVE was put out for Best Book, and bloggers, readers, and everyone in between submitted their favorites for RESOLVE to select five nominees. Excerpts of each book are externally linked from the voting website- again, really great nominees and totally worth the read and vote. I have a couple of books now to add to my reading list this summer.

By voting, you're helping to support not only an organization that does so much for our community, but helping to recognize those leaders within that community that stand out and have made substantial contributions to the community as well.  Like submitting news to the LFCA, voting for the Team RESOLVE Choice Awards is just good karma in the ALI blogosphere.

Have I inspired you enough? Well, get out there and vote already! ^_^

June ICLW: Elementally Speaking

Howdy! Thanks for stopping by for June's ICLW. (Learn more about the ICLW here and see how you can sign up for next month.) I've got a few previous ICLW intro posts to get you up to speed: ABC's of Me (November 2009), April 2010, and May 2010. For this month's intro, I think I'll try something a little different: looking at my life right now through the Four Elements. Intrigued?

The Four Elements of Me

Earth: What Grounds Me ~ Roots and Foundation
+ My husband, Larry: totally my rock, my love, my soulmate. We've been married for 2 and a half years. We were high school sweethearts from 1997... do the math. We've been together a long time and are still madly in love with one another.
+ My family: My mom, my papa, my sister Jasmine and her husband Neal - these are my core. Then Larry's mom, dad, and sister - just as much family as my own blood. And soon, probably sometime this week: Willow! My niece-to-be, the first grandchild, the little darling we've been waiting 9 months to meet. You can count on a post about her later this week since my sister will be induced on Friday :)
+ My faith: I'm Jewish. But I put an equal amount of faith in the goodness of humanity, the beauty that surrounds us daily we often take for granted, and in the sovereignty and power of the collective creativity of women. I ground myself by redefining the world around me, and walking forward with faithful steps in the world I've created.

Water: What Moves Me ~ Transition and Flow
+ My health: it's been in a varying state of flux. I have premature ovarian failure, diagnosed in April of 2009. I have Hashimoto's thyroiditis. I recently learned I've got degenerative arthritis in my lower spine. Oh yeah, I'm 28. Thankfully though, my thyroid appears to finally be stabilized after a year of ups and down, my my POF is being treated with HRT.
+ My job: Recently promoted.
+ My home: We are house-hunting, and hope to have a formal offer in to the seller by COB today.

Air: What Lifts Me ~ Joy and Celebration
+ Food, music, the arts, photography, flowers, Hell's Kitchen, Weeds, LOST, Radiohead, indie music, Vampire Weekend, MUSE, art house cinema, Bach Cello Suites, cooking, our trip Japan last year, camping, fishing, reading, writing, writing my book, RadioLab, The Moth, This American Life, taking the time to literally stop and smell the roses.

Fire: What Consumes Me ~ Passion and Perseverance
+ Having a family: The timeline has been pushed back significantly since we're buying a house, but we plan on adopting an infant domestically. We're skipping fertility treatments altogether.
+ My advocacy: I've recently decided that I am an health advocate, fighting for infertility treatment coverage and research. It all started with this video. The content of my blog has shifted slightly from mostly about me to more about the greater ALI blogosphere and what we can all do to be everyday advocates. I am also RESOLVE of New England's newest Board member on their Board of Directors!
+ My writing: I do it all the time. I've been keeping a journal in print or electronic form since I was in 7th grade. This blog is a continuation of that, but I'm starting to branch out to other places like Examiner.com and hopefully more paying opportunities. I'm also writing a book about my experience of converting to Judaism three years ago.

Looking forward to meeting new folks. Happy ICLW and happy commenting!

Image used with generous permission by the artist, Alida Saxon, copyright 2010.

An Overview of Adopting in Massachusetts: Part 2

The second half of this series will focus on the aspects of adoption once a match is made and the baby comes home. Part 1 of the series covering agency selection, homestudy, profile, and matching, can be found here.

Meeting with Birthparents
Once a match is made, it is encouraged that the adoptive parents and the birthparents make a connection and have a chance to meet. As we learned during the panel discussion, this might not happen before birth, as was one couple's experience. The birthmother just couldn't meet with them. It wasn't until a day after the child was born that the birthmother finally met the adoptive parents. The purpose of this is to build those memories that will be so vital to your adopted child's story later on. This is also a good chance to discuss openness, and to figure out what that means for both the birthparents and adoptive parents. As Betsy and Dale mentioned, about 75% of adoptions are semi-open and the remaining 25% fully open.

Openness
Open adoption can mean very different things to different people. For some, it means regular opportunities for the birthparents to interact with the child. For others, it might mean regular letters and pictures. Some adoption triads email. Others correspond through their agencies. Openness occurs on a continuum and it varies for every individual triad. Dale was quick to point out that open adoption is not the same as co-parenting, rather, it provides an avenue for adoptive children to learn as much of their birthfamily's story as possible and to weave it into their own personal history. Betsy talked about how it's common for adoptive parents to leave letters and photos with their individual agency, and that the birthparents may pick up these packets at their leisure, as the need to check in arises. The agency also keeps copies of all correspondence so that the child may see a record of communication between their adoptive parents and their birthparents. The key thing to remember is that openness is about information sharing, and not to take away from the validity or experience of either set of parents. It should also be interesting to note: Massachusetts has legally enforceable Open Adoption Agreements, should all parties agree to it. A successful open adoption, as Dale put it, is one where birthparents are like those extended family you don't see very often but you love very much.

Termination of Parental Rights and Legal Risk
Just to reiterate: these processes apply to birthparents local to the state of Massachusetts. Once the child is born, in the state of Massachusetts, a birthmother has 96 hours* to consent to the termination of her parental rights. Given that most normal vaginal births only require the mother and child to be hospitalized for a maximum of 48 hours and that most birthmothers do not want to take the baby home, this leaves an interesting quandary: where does the newborn go? Short-term foster-care is available for the remaining 48 hours is available, however, most birthmothers would rather the child be immediately placed with the adoptive parents. However, if an adoptive couple takes the baby home from the hospital, there are still 2 days for the birthmother to change her mind in the state of MA. This situation is called legal risk. Legal risk also includes a revocation period (if applicable in that particular state where the child is born; there is no revocation period in MA) and during the finalization period.

If the birthmother has received a good amount of counseling and a firm relationship established with the adoptive parents, it is not likely she will change her mind, but it's a real possibility. Situations could change at the last minute: a birthfamily member agrees to help raise the child, for example- and then the adoption cannot be completed. This is called a fall-through. Sadly, these do happen, so that's why it's vital to tease out everything before the birth as much as possible. This also poses a financial risk. Full-service agencies that charge a flat fee absorb the cost of the loss. Per-fee agencies will refund only what is left in the birthmother's escrow account that hasn't been paid out already; a fall-through in this situation may cost the adoptive parents anywhere from $2K-6K in lost monies.

*There are some cases where a birthmother is given more time. An adoption agency might receive a call from a social worker at the hospital, working with a woman who is in labor and has expressed in that moment she would like to create an adoption plan. Given that the agency won't have sufficient enough time to screen and match the birthmother to a waiting family, more time is given to the birthmother for her to be able to consent to termination of her rights.

When the baby is born, a birth certificate is issued in the name given by the birthmother, listing the birthmother and birthfather (if the birthmother chooses to name a birthfather). Adoptions occurring in other states have differing periods of how long a birthmother has to consent to termination of her rights.

Post-Placement Requirements
Regardless of where the baby was born, once the baby comes home with the adoptive parents, they are legally required to be supervised for the first six months after the baby is born in the state of Massachusetts. Typically, this means a social worker visits the home at months one, three, and five, and the other months are through phone check-ins. Betsy said that these visits are mostly to check in on the new parents, see how they and baby are adjusting to the newness, and to ooh and ahh and talk about the baby's latest tricks and accomplishments. Once the six-month supervised period is complete, the agency will apply for a court date to finalize the adoption. If a birthfather has been named, they will attempt to contact him to notify him of the impending adoption. Often, this is in teeny-tiny print in the legal notices section of the area newspaper where the birthmother believes conception took place.

Typically, it takes about 3 months to get a court date. The judge reviews the homestudy and all paperwork and declares the adoption finalized and legal. An adoption decree and amended birth certificate listing the adoptive parents and the child's new name are issued. The original birth certificate kind of disappears into the ether; it's held on file at the agency, but as a matter of public record, it's as if it didn't exist. In Massachusetts, the post-placement finalization process takes about 9 months from the time the child is born. It is possible, and oft times cheaper and faster, to have adoptions finalized in other states (i.e., Florida only requires 12 weeks to finalize including just two supervised visits).

An important point about naming: it is generally agreed that it is vital to the birthmother's closure process to name her child. It is up to the adoptive parents as to whether they will keep or incorporate that name, but usually, adopted children will have multiple middle names. Betsy and Dale both agreed that it's a good idea to incorporate the original name should the child go researching their birthparents and wonder, "Why did you change the name I was given?" Certainly a valid point to consider.

And... that's it!

To recap: adopting in Massachusetts consists of about 6 steps:

1. Finding an agency.
2. Completing a homestudy.
3. Completing an adoptive parent profile.
4. Making a match with birthparent(s).
5. Birthparent(s) terminating their rights.
6. Finalizing the adoption.

Top 10 Points to Remember:
1. Your vision of your child can change over time, allowing the possibility for a wider net of birthparents to see your profile.
2. After considering the wait and cost, make sure your agency is a good fit for your needs.
3. Be open and honest during the homestudy process. Just be yourself!
4. Matching is a little bit of strategy and a lot of luck and timing.
5. Openness is not co-parenting and is about sharing information over time.
6. Even if your adoption will be semi-open, it's important to establish an initial relationship with the birthmother to add to that child's family story.
7. Carefully weigh the legal risks involved at every step of the adoption process.
8. Be ethical.
9. Fall-throughs happen.
10. All of the paperwork, stress, and waiting will totally be worth it when baby comes home and the adoption is finalized.

To quote Kristen Howerton at Grown In My Heart:

"If you adopt, then you will be a real parent.
If you adopt, then you will be abundantly blessed with a child."

I hope you found this information helpful. Thank you so much to Betsy Hochberg, Dale Eldridge, and RESOLVE of New England for putting together such an informative program for prospective adoptive parents. We might be a little overwhelmed at the prospects, but we are also wildly excited about this path to family building.

Have you adopted in Massachusetts? I'd love to hear from you! Drop a line in the comments.


(Photo by Joe Green via Flickr.)

An Overview of Adopting in Massachusetts: Part 1

After a day of house-hunting (I promise I'll update this week about this new piece of news in our life), I finally have some time to post about my experience at the RESOLVE of New England Adoption Decision Making Seminar that Larry and I went to yesterday. We're pretty set on our intent to adopt an infant domestically, and boy, did we learn a lot at this seminar. I won't be able to capture all of the info from yesterday, but hope to provide a general overview of what the process will most likely be for Larry and I. There is so much information to share that I'm going to split this into 2 posts.

Larry and I were just two of about 40 people who were in attendance. The seminar was lead by Betsy Hochberg of Adoption Resources, Dale Eldridge of Adoption Choices, and Sarah Groff of MAPS Worldwide. Betsy and Dale led the conversation on domestic adoption and Sarah the portion on international adoption. At the end of the day, we listened to a panel of three recent adoptive parents: two domestic and one international.

It was an all-day seminar jam-packed with lots of information. We were certainly overwhelmed by it all; we were also both emotionally and physically exhausted from everything that went on this week and the rather dreary weather did not help. We ended out taking a long lunch and skipping the international session because a) we really want to adopt child younger than a year (the youngest children internationally are ~1 year old right now) and b) were we just zapped from the first session. Information overload, and we needed to decompress for a little bit.

We got a very thorough overview of how domestic infant adoption works here in Massachusetts. The process is pretty straightforward:

1. Find an agency.
2. Complete a homestudy.
3. Complete an adoptive parent profile.
4. Make a match with birthparent(s).
5. Birthparent(s) terminate rights and adoptive parents receive child.
6. Finalize adoption.

Looks simple, right? Oh heavens, if only it were.

Finding an Agency
In Massachusetts, adoptive parents are required to utilize a licensed, not for profit agency. MA is one of only three states that mandate this by law. At first I thought this was some racket between adoption agencies and the state, but I was reminded that these are non-profit organizations, and that this system makes sure that services are provided for the birthparent(s). We can choose from private agencies who specialize in voluntary placements or elect to pursue foster placement. Larry and I have previously discussed the latter option and we agree that private domestic infant adoption is more in line with our parenting goals, especially given our younger age.

Betsy and Dale pointed out three things to consider when choosing an agency: wait time, cost, and fit. The best way to pick an agency, they recommend, is to attend their open houses and take the time to make sure that those three things are in line with your goals. There are two types of agencies: full-service, who require a flat fee that covers everything (including an adoption fall-through) and those that pay variable fees attached to the birthparent(s). The latter carries a greater financial risk should an adoption fall-through, but the overall cost to the adoptive couple is generally cheaper.

Due to demographics, local birthparents are few and far between in MA. As such, couples often work with both their MA agency and another agency, adoption attorney, or adoption facilitator in other states where the birthparent pool is greater (think Bible Belt). Fees are split accordingly: homestudy fees for the MA agency, placement fees with the respective placing agency. All finalization and post-placement costs are paid to the MA agency. Complicated stuff.

Completing the Homestudy
The homestudy is a series of meetings between the adoptive parents and a social worker. At a statutory minimum, there are about three to four meetings, but every agency has different requirements. Most meetings will be with the couple, but there will be an individual meeting with each adoptive parent as well. The prospective adoptive couple will need to provide all sorts of paperwork: tax returns, marriage license, my name change documentation, Larry's personal business info, 3 letters of reference, and a letter from both of our doctors. We will also need to complete a full background check: sex offender, credit history, criminal background, and FBI fingerprinting clearance. The FBI fingerprinting is now a requirement for ALL domestic adoptions within the US, so it's kind of undergoing what the Passport Agency did when it changed the requirements for passport usage back in 2008: it is now inundated with requests. A normally 2-3 week clearance takes about 12 weeks now. The entire homestudy process can take anywhere from 2-3 months, and all of this is compiled into an actual homestudy document. This document will then be seen by the judge once an adoption is finalized.

Social workers aren't looking to turn down prospective adoptive parents; it's a rarity. And it's totally not fair that adoptive parents have to go through such an intensive process when parents who are able to get pregnant (naturally or otherwise) don't. The social workers completely understand the unfairness, but it doesn't change the process. As such, adoptive parents should be honest and open about what they're looking for and who they are. This is really the way that the social workers get to know the couple, and can ultimately help to determine to whom their profiles are shown. Dale went on to discuss that at her agency, the final homestudy meeting is an in-depth discussion with the couple regarding their child parameters, and what kind of child or match they could be comfortable parenting: special needs, race, birthparent(s) situation, a child of rape, a child with an unknown birthfather, etc. Heavy stuff, but a valuable conversation nonetheless.

The Adoptive Parent Profile
Part scrapbook, part autobiography, the profile is what agencies will show to birthparents, and upon which they will base a potential match. It will talk about us, our relationship, our families, our community and lifestyle. It will also include a letter to our potential birhtparent. We got some great advice from the panel on what to include. As a graphic designer and writer, I am really looking forward to creating our profile. Once the profile is complete, it will be shown to birthparents that meet our criteria.

A birthparent typically looks at about 4-6 profile books. One of the things that Dale and Betsy recommended was that our vision of our ideal child could change over time, and that the more open and flexible we could become, the greater our chances of finding a match sooner. Wait time, generally is about 12-18 months on average. I personally know of folks who've waited much less time, and we met folks who waited substantially longer at the panel. They also recommended that we set a case-by-case standard for various parameters, i.e., if we say no to any birthmother who smoked, we could be waiting longer. However, if we say we'll consider that parameter on a case-by-case basis, it gives us the flexibility to ask: how long did she smoke? What did she smoke? We have the opportunity to research the situation a little further and then make a determination. Blanket decisions on parameters generally don't work in the couple's favor.

I asked about legislation about advertising to potential birthparents, as parent-identified matches are totally doable. While we can't take out an ad in say, the Boston Globe or on CraigsList, we can certainly put our profile book online... or create an adoption specific blog. I expect once we get the ball rolling I'll be creating another blog (bringing my total up to 5- that's right, 5 blogs) for our birthparent recruitment efforts since it seems that most MA couples adopt out of state.

Adoption Matching
Birthparents come to adoption agencies in a variety of ways. Local birthparents will meet with an agency here in a face-to-face meeting and submit their medical history. The agency will provide reasonable costs and financial assistance until the child is born. They are asked what families are of interest to them: what situation would be ideal for their child? They make a hospital plan and are given extensive counseling by an agency social worker. The SW will thorough probe the birthparent about why they want to create an adoption plan for their child, and fully explore the birthparent's options.

Once all of this has been completed and the birthparents' preferences noted, the agency will pick appropriate profile books to show the birthparent. We heard stories of how the littlest, most random thing in someone's profile could inspire a match: a picture of swimming with dolphins; a picture of a relative that looked like one of the birthparents' relatives; travel to foreign countries the birthparent would want their child to see. It would seem that matching is the result of timing and luck.

With all the preliminaries out of the way, I'll save all of the "baby comes home" stage for the second part of this series. Check out An Overview of Adopting in Massachusetts: Part 2 here.

(Photo by William Whyte via Flickr.)

Adoption Decision Making Seminar

Sidebar: Thank you to everyone's condolences and sympathies for the passing of my grandmother this week. They have meant so much to me during this particularly difficult time.

RESOLVE of New England's Adoption Decision Making Seminar is this Saturday in Newtonville, MA. Check out my latest Examiner.com article for more info. I hope to do a review of the seminar first thing next week; Larry and I are really looking forward to it.

Are you considering adoption as a family building solution? Have you exhausted your fertility treatment options and are looking to explore adoption? Are your weighing the pros and cons of domestic and international adoption? The Adoption Decision Making Seminar this Saturday, June 12, 2010 in Newtonville might just be the best place to find your answers. Read the rest of the article here at Examiner.com.


(Photo by Vivian Chen via Flickr.)

And the Oscar goes to...

Okay, so I might be exaggerating just a tad. I didn't win an Oscar. But I did take the top prize in Wellsphere's This Is Me video contest!

I recut my video with a different intro title and stripped the audio and submitted it to this video contest a couple of weeks ago. #ProjectIF and the This Is Me contest just happened to align perfectly. As the top winner, I've won a Flip Mino HD camera and $100 will be donated towards RESOLVE. But the biggest prize?

Greater exposure to this vital health issue that is infertility.

Check out Wellsphere's YouTube channel to see all 85 submissions. There are some really great videos about some very important health issues on there.

*adjusts her director's hat*

I'm already plotting the films I can make with my new camera... Advocacy films, short documentaries, PSAs... I'm just going to keep riding this wave and keep on makin' waves in the process!

Calling All Bay State IF Bloggers!

Do you live in Massachusetts?

Are you living with infertility or have struggled with infertility in the past?

Do you blog?

I am looking for you!

I'm working to create a network of Massachusetts-based infertility bloggers. We are extraordinarily lucky to live in a state with comprehensive mandated IF coverage, and while we lead the nation in terms of what's mandated, it's not perfect. This is where I'm hoping that our collective voices can help make important changes to the current mandate parameters regarding infertility.

If you are a Massachusetts-based infertility blogger, please take a moment to fill out this form. I'm in the data-gathering process right now. The information will be sent directly to me and shared with no one else at this point. In the future, I'd like to be able to share this network with RESOLVE of the Bay State, the media, and legislators. You can opt out of sharing any or all of your information on the linked form. I know IF is one of those rather personal things you might not want out there: I know not everyone is in a position to be as "out" as I am, and I totally respect that.

Please feel free to tweet this, repost this to your own blogs, Facebook, or message boards. The more places I can get this post out there, the greater the chances of building up this network!

What IF? Video Production Notes

On this last day of National Infertility Awareness Week, I look back over the week and see such tremendous growth. For me personally, I'm looking back on this week as probably one of the turning points in my life. My followers, both of this blog and on Twitter, have substantially increased. My direct traffic has climbed steadily each day. But more importantly, I have met some of the most amazing, brave, passionate people online. I always thought the ALI community was such a small corner of the internet, but I have been proven otherwise this week. I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has spread this out there. I am humbled and deeply grateful.

At the time of writing, my video has reached exactly 5,500 views. Every time it's embedded in a blog post and played there, or watched directly at the Vimeo link, it records that as a view. I have submitted it to CNN iReport, where, at the time of writing, it has received 208 views. It's still not yet been vetted by CNN, but whatever, it doesn't matter. The whole point of all of this was to raise awareness. I didn't create this video because I'm looking for my 15 minutes of fame or any money. I created this video because I'm simply sick and tired of 7.3 million people not being able to speak out for themselves about a very real and very painful disease, both physically and emotionally.

I wanted to share my production notes about actually making this film. It's funny- I've never made a "film" before. I mean, I've shot video, yes, but never put together anything like this before. I just used our camera, a Panasonic Lumix DMC-LX3. For editing, I just used the latest version of iMovie on my husband's Mac. Our camera was particularly helpful since it shot HD and also had unlimited burst mode, so shooting a series of still frames depicting movement was cake. (Even though it ATE UP the battery fast.)

The original idea was to get a variety of women's voices reading a bunch of these questions, profiling a day in the life of a woman, as if these were thoughts in her head. I then realized that I didn't feel like recruiting voiceovers for this, so I thought of just recording myself. Then it morphed into subtitles, and eventually, stop-motion signs. I drew a rough storyboard on Wednesday night. Thursday morning I wrote the script. The entire film was shot over the course of about 10 hours that Saturday. I started bright and early, filming in sequence all of the interior shots in our apartment. Writing all of these questions word by word was... time consuming, at best. I filmed the entire interior sequences in a span of about 4 hours. The most frustrating to film were the shots where the words appeared in the picture frames; I had to shoot, take apart the frame, write the word, reassemble the frame, shoot, lather rinse repeat.

For the exterior work, Larry and I headed to Boston Common. These shots were filmed out of order to make use of available daylight. What I thought was going to be the most challenging sequence: a woman walking across the shot pushing a stroller- was actually quite easy to get. Near the playground, I just walked up to a woman and asked if she wanted to be in my video. She said yes, the rest was history. To thank her for her participation, I gave her a $5 Dunkin' Donuts gift card. We did two takes, and I used the first take.

While filming, particularly the white board scenes and the chalk on the sidewalk scene, we got a lot of curious looks from passersby, but only one couple actually stopped to ask us what we were doing. Lots of stares, raised eyebrows, and half-smiles.

The music was kind of an accidental find. I was leaning toward a Bach cello suite at first, and then possibly a track from the LOST soundtrack (Rose and Bernard theme, for those of you who are curious). I was just listening to MUSE when I was like, this song is perfect. The lyrics even fit with the theme of the video, another happy accident. If you liked the song, please buy it on  - for only $1.29, it's a steal :)

I had a lot of fun making this. After we finished our shots on the Common, we went out to dinner with some friends for some tasty sushi. After I put the video online, I got a message from one of my friends saying she was amazed I was so perky at dinner afterwards despite filming such a heavy subject all day. The truth is, it was just energizing and motivating. I've been riding the energy all week.

I am still absolutely in awe of the reception it has received and is continuing to receive. (15 more views in the 15 minutes I've been writing.) I would love for this to get picked up by the media. But more importantly, this experience has got me rethinking about myself, my goals, and perhaps what I'm meant to do in this world. Perhaps health advocacy is my calling, and #ProjectIF was my catalyst.

Speaking of #ProjectIF: you have until 11:59pmEST tonight to submit your entry. Go do it already! :) I'm going to spend this weekend catching up on the 150+ entries so far (uh oh, this is going to feel like ICLW Iron Commenter all over again) this weekend, and I encourage you to do the same.

Click here expand/collapse the full list of questions in my video.

What IF we raise awareness about infertility?

What IF I never fill this scrapbook page?

What IF I never see two lines?

What IF infertility has robbed me of my sexiness and I'm never "in the mood" again?

What IF we finally save enough money for our one IVF cycle and it fails?

What IF we can't afford to adopt?

What IF I can't counter the thought we had to "buy" a baby?

What IF I see another pregnancy announcement or ultrasound photo on Facebook today?

What IF we have to learn to live childfree... with a smile?

What IF he leaves me for a fertile woman?

What IF I never let go of the resentment and jealousy of the women who got to do this naturally?

What IF I lose myself along the way?

What IF I stop defining myself by my infertility?

What IF I stop hiding behind my fears? My doubts? My grief?

What IF I redefine what it means to be woman? Mother? Family?

What IF I let go of the doubt, the fear, the worry, the self-judgments for one day? One week? For the rest of my life?

What IF I became an advocate for infertility research and treatment?

What IF every state passed a law requiring insurance companies to cover infertility treatments?

What IF I lived in the moment rather than in an uncertain future?

What IF my story can help just one person? Hundreds? Millions?

Click here to expand/collapse the lyrics of the song in my video.

MUSE: Exogenesis Symphony Part III - Redemption: Let's start over again / Why can't we start it over again / Just let us start it over again / And we'll be good / This time we'll get it, get it right / It's our last chance to forgive ourselves

ICLW May Be Over, But NIAW is in Full Swing!

I did it. 170 blogs (3 went down since the list went up). 170 comments in 7 days. I made my first Iron Commenter! I have found so many new blogs to follow- check my right sidebar to who I've added. I've found a ton of adoption blogs- check out my left sidebar just to see all the adoption bloggers I'm following. But most of all, I've met and made connections with so many people. The experience of making these connections is just amazing. Iron Commenter is indeed not for the faint of heart, but it is worth it, so worth it.

Like the post title says, ICLW may be over at midnight tonight, but that doesn't mean the comments have to stop. This has definitely kicked my butt into being a better active partipant in the ALI blogosphere. The sheer value in the connections I've made will only last if I keep up my end: reading, commenting, sharing stories.

Just because ICLW is over doesn't mean that NIAW is even close to being done! There's a lot happening on Capitol Hill right now. Melissa Ford of Stirrup Queens has posted her remarks she gave this morning at the infertility briefing on the Hill. They are powerful and inspiring. They remind me of why it is that I'm out and outspoken about my IF: because we need the government to act! She's there today with the executive leadership of RESOLVE. I hope they're making waves.

What else can you do to raise awareness? You can tweet about it, Facebook it, blog about it... make sure you Stumbleupon and Kirtsy and Digg and Reddit your links too! You can be out and outspoken about your infertility. Like Iron Commenter, it's not for the faint of heart, but damn if it doesn't feel good. "But what IF I'm too nervous about outing myself?" you ask? Well, here, let me do it for you. Use me as your stand-in, and share my What IF? A Portrait of Infertility video. Just spread it with words like "Because 1 in 8 is someone you know. This video is about a very important cause." And then leave it at that. *wipes hands* See? Infertility activism and advocacy is easy.

Other ways to raise awareness? Check out all of the blogs participating in #ProjectIF. Retweet @resolveorg or follow them on Twitter. Use hashtag #infertility in your tweets. Link to other bloggers on your blog, or even better yet- on your Facebook.

There's still 4 days left, including today, to raise awareness for National Infertility Awareness Week. Take just a few minutes each day and keep the awareness going!

What IF?

I was so inspired by so many of the questions raised in the Phase One of #ProjectIF that I couldn't pick just one to respond to. I saw this as a collective lamentation laid bare for the world to see. So many of these questions have flittered through and lingered in my brain at one point or another in our journey that I simply had to include them all. My hope is that this video captures the "everydayness" that is coping with infertility. So, here is my response to #Project IF. More about my thoughts on #ProjectIF below the video.




What IF we can become a positive force for change?


What IF? from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

What IF I can't pick myself back up after each setback?
I have seen the gamut of human experience and emotion this week. I've been going for Iron Commenter for ICLW, my first time trying it. I've read so much already - for every small victory: Aunt Flo still hasn't shown up, a successful transfer, social workers secured- there are just as many crushing setbacks: empty yolk sacs, canceled IUIs, no matured blasts, the birthmother backed out. I've read and commented on just over half of this month's participating blogs so far, and the sheer variety and depth of experiences is humbling, overwhelming, and at times, comforting. When you find someone, an otherwise stranger to you, who is going through nearly the same experiences, positive or otherwise, there is instant kinship between you and she, somewhere in the mix of wires and signals and binary code. In this mess of electronic tangles, we find connection.

If there's one thing I've learned so far in this year of coping, crying, laughing, and learning, it's that the road through infertility is indeed a bumpy one, and sometimes we diverge so far off course we hardly even recognize where we are anymore or from where we've come. All we know is that we are weary from the journey.

My hope in making this video was to answer this question above, to inspire those struggling with any aspect of IF to find the strength to press on, to find peace, to remain inspired and to remind them to be true to themselves.

What IF I got rid of the anonymity and put a real name and a real face to a story of IF?
Like most ventures on the internet, I got scared of putting my real name out there, much less my face. I hid behind my Hebrew name because it was convenient, and I think because in many ways, I was still ashamed, angry, and bitter at my diagnosis. Over this past year, I have grown and learned so much. I wouldn't say I've healed completely, but I've let go of a lot of baggage and realized that I can only move forward with my life if I allow myself to do so. I have found and met amazing people on the internet and in real life who understand this struggle. And I realized that legislators don't care about internet pseudonyms. They care about constituents with names, verifiable addresses, and most of all, votes.

So, allow me to introduce myself, dear readers:

Hi. I'm Keiko Zoll. *waves* Yes, my Hebrew name is Miriam. (I'm still the same old Miriam, but you can call me Keiko. I wasn't kidding when I said I was half-Japanese.) Yes, I'm 27 years old and yes, I live in Boston, MA. I still love food, travel, camping, scrapbooking, and playing a ridiculous amount of Modern Warfare 2. 

I live and cope with my infertility every single day, but I refuse to let it bring me down.

I'm taking this a step further. As I mentioned in my post about National Infertility Awareness Week, I posed a challenge to folks reading this blog to out themselves out of the IF closet on Facebook, Twitter, their blogs- wherever. Not only am I doing this myself tomorrow via my FB status message, but I'm sharing this video on my Facebook profile and Twitter accounts too.

What IF my video can help erase some of the stigma surrounding infertility, and give a voice to  millions who may be otherwise silent?

-----

For more information about infertility, please visit RESOLVE's Infertility Overview page.

Click here for more info about National Infertility Awareness Week 2010.

Click here for the complete What IF list.

Click here to see who else is participating in #ProjectIF.
-----

UPDATE: Read how this video has been received and my advocacy efforts two months later.

From Words to Voices to Faces: Researching Adoption

We've got lots of questions about adoption. The internet, the blogs, the two books we're reading- they've got answers. For Ari and I, it's getting a little overwhelming, not going to lie. Unfortunately, we can't really move forward yet until two things are figured out: 1) my job and 2) our housing. My job and housing come as a package deal, and there's some rather vague, amorphous changes happening to my job this summer that may or may not leave us with housing. *uncomfortable laugh* ha ha ha ha... I'm hoping I get some answers soon because if they do yank my housing (in lieu of a higher salary and better position title), um, we need to find a place to live.

Right, so anywho. Back to adoption. We're reading books, trolling teh intarwebs, readin' the blogs, and boy howdy, it's a lot. So we've got two things up at the pass for us to hopefully make digesting this whole adoption thing a little bit easier. At 4pm today, I'm participating in the Adoption Info Teleseminar via RESOLVE, as part of their free teleseminars this week for National Infertility Awareness Week. (Sidebar: RESOVLE's got a brand-spankin-new website and it looks AWESOME.) And on June 12, we're going to an Adoption Conference sponsored by RESOLVE of the Bay State, our local chapter. We've been to their Annual Conference, so we expect the same high caliber, in-depth material. We're really looking forward to it. I hope to blog here about my experience with the teleseminar tonight or tomorrow morning.

Other updates...

- Still pressing on with my #ProjectIF entry. No details on what I'm doing yet, but man oh man I can't wait to post it when I'm finished.
- As a result, ICLW Iron Commenter status has stalled a little bit. Trying to pick up some comment time when I can today.
- Am really proud of the healthy choices I made while out to dinner last night. I had yakisoba with veggies, suzuki sashimi (sea bass) instead of nigiri b/c I didn't want the rice since I was having noodles, and daifuku (mochi with ice cream) instead of the giant bowl of fried ice cream. Also, Boston's Chinatown is one cool place.

Gotta run... lots of work on #ProjectIF today. Are you participating?

#ProjectIF

I've had the button up on the right since my site redesign, but I wanted to make sure I blasted this out as a post, too. Mel over at Stirrup Queens is collaborating with RESOLVE for a truly unique online event in conjunction with National Infertility Awareness Week, April 24 - May 1, 2010.

Phase One of the project is currently live on her site. Click the button to the right to be taken there for all the details. Essentially, leave a comment to Mel's blog post asking the question "What IF..." and then fill in the rest from there, relating it to infertility. Mel will select 10 "What IF" questions to be used in Phase Two of the project. Phase Two will begin next week, which is currently a mystery... I'm excited to find out what the next phase is.

I gotta warn you: reading through the 300+ comments and even more What IF questions already posted, it is extremely humbling and moving. Tissues are a must.

This is a pretty amazing project to be a part of, so spread the word, via your blog or Twitter, with hashtag term #ProjectIF. There's still two days left to join in on Phase One, so if you haven't submitted your What IF's yet, get 'em in now!

A letter to MA State Senator Scott Brown

I received an action alert email from a donor agency that Ari and I have been using to browse donor profiles. We haven't selected a donor, but it's a nice exercise in getting us at least mentally prepared for DE/IVF. The email linked to an article in yesterday's Boston Globe, where Senator Scott Brown, currently running for Republicans in next week's special election for the late Kennedy's US Senate seat, has said that he intends to propose legislation that would no longer require MA insurance companies to cover IVF. The key paragraph from the article is below:

Brown also said he was filing legislation in Massachusetts to ease regulations on insurance companies, which he said have driven up costs. He said companies should not be required to cover so many different medical services, including in vitro fertilization.Coakley's campaign this afternoon attacked the bill, saying it would allow the removal of mandated insurance coverage for things such as mammograms, minimum maternity stays for new mothers, and hospice care for seniors.

As usual, this got me fired up, and I fired off an email to Senator Brown directly. If you live in MA, I urge you to do the same: his email is Scott.P.Brown@state.ma.us.

Dear Senator Brown,

I recently read in yesterday's Globe (http://www.boston.com/news/local/breaking_news/2009/12/brown_health_ca.html) that you intend to propose legislation that would reduce the amount of coverage currently required to be provided by Massachusetts insurance companies, particularly with regard to the coverage of in-vitro fertilization (IVF). Senator Brown, I cannot express enough how detrimental this would be not only your constituents, but to the greater scope of infertility treatment coverage in the nation. Massachusetts has perhaps some of the most comprehensive health care regulations regarding infertility treatment in the nation, and to revoke that coverage would be devastating to thousands of couples and families in this state. The cost of IVF can approach upwards of $30,000 for a single cycle, and for a couple that's counting on their insurance company to cover their clinical costs to suddenly lose that security mid-cycle is not only financially disastrous, but emotionally destructive as well.

As an elected official in Massachusetts, infertility affects over 150,000 of your constituents, according to the CDC’s 2002 National Survey of Family Growth. Yet, this isn’t something that we would necessarily write to you about. For many of us, we won’t even share these concerns outside of our closest family and friends. Some of us never find the words or the ways to share it with others, and live with a deeply stressful, private struggle. I, however, have chosen to remain silent no longer, and have channeled my fear and frustration into advocacy for an issue about which I deeply care.

Senator Brown, allow me to share my story with you, so that you may understand why insurance coverage for IVF is so important. Nine months ago, I began having symptoms wildly atypical for an otherwise healthy 26 year old woman in her childbearing years. My husband and I had no plans for children until a few years from now, once we were more settled financially. Taking the proactive approach about these strange symptoms, I sought out my doctor, who delivered a bombshell of a diagnosis: premature ovarian failure (POF). Formerly known as premature menopause, my reproductive system as essentially shut down, in a process I shouldn't be experiencing for another two decades. At 26 years old, I had lost my ability to be able to have my own children. At 26 years old, I was married for just over a year and had no plans to even start trying to have children for another two to three years, and I was told I would never be able to achieve pregnancy naturally. The only hope of building a family, I was told, as I sat there speechless and shell-shocked in my doctor's office, was to use donor eggs in conjunction with IVF or to pursue adoption.

It has been a wild year as my husband and I have been completely rethinking everything we thought we knew about how we would build a family together. Just days after my diagnosis, my husband was laid off. We moved quickly to transfer insurance coverage through my employer. As we began researching our options further, IVF has appeared more fiscally lucrative to our situation, particularly on one income right now. Dollar for dollar, IVF and domestic adoption cost about the same, in the $30,000 range. What has made IVF particularly attractive is that currently in the state of Massachusetts, that cost is nearly cut in half thanks to the state-mandated infertility coverage regulations.

Every decision my husband and I have made about our careers in the last nine months has been centered on the fact that we need to remain in Massachusetts, because of the very coverage that's in place. Senator Brown, if you propose legislation that would discontinue coverage for IVF, I simply cannot afford to have children, IVF or otherwise. This legislation would take away my ability to a basic human right: the right to build a family. The next best solution for us would be to uproot and move to another state with the next best health care regulations in place (in this case, New Jersey or Connecticut). In this economy, looking for a new job isn't easy, to put it plainly: just ask my husband, who is still unemployed after nearly a year since being laid off. How can this be something you endorse - legislation that denies individuals the right to build families or drives them out of the state to find appropriate coverage?

Senator Brown, I implore you not pursue this change in legislation. As a candidate for the Senate seat left by the late Honorable Ted Kennedy, it seems contrary to the legacy of progressive health care reform and support left in his passing.

In the Boston Globe article you state, "My primary responsibility is to ensure that the people of Massachusetts get the best value for their dollar." How can this be possible when you intend to propose cutting the coverage upon which the people of Massachusetts depend? Perhaps your rationale is that these procedures, like mammograms and minimum maternity stay lengths (as you also intend to propose coverage reductions), aren't relevant to the entire population of the state. Perhaps infertile women and couples, women at risk for breast cancer, and new mothers make up only a small portion of your constituents, despite the fact that 3.2 million women make up 52% of the state’s population. A reduction in these vital services is quite plainly cutting off the nose despite the face.

Senator Brown, I urge you to reconsider your position on health care coverage reduction in the state of Massachusetts, and I encourage you to contact RESOLVE, the National Infertility Association (www.resolve.org) or its regional chapter here in Waltham, RESOLVE of the Bay State (www.resolveofthebaystate.org) for more information about why infertility coverage matters. I also welcome the opportunity to discuss this issue personally with you and your staff.

Senator Brown, I don't want to feel like my chances of having a family are being taken away from me for a second time.

Best,
Miriam

A truly restorative weekend.

The RESOLVE of the Bay State Annual Conference on Saturday was just amazing. I'm so glad Ari and I went - we did some seriously deep soul-searching, some crying (well, I did the crying), and engaged in some very cathartic dialogue with people who get it - who really understand what this crazy world of IF is all about. It was so empowering to feel that we weren't alone, and that in some ways, we were lucky (I never thought I'd use that word in this context) that I was Dx'd so young with POF. Ari and I were easily the youngest couple there; it seemed like the average age was in the mid-30s, but there were a large number of women and couples in their early-40s. There was a pretty large turnout- at least 200 people.

The keynote speaker was Dr. Ali Domar. Her address really resonated with us; she spoke to all of the textbook points about how infertility and stress go hand in hand in a vicious cycle. While I've read this myself, there's something different about a) hearing it from a leading professional in the field and b) seeing nods of validation and experience around the room. It was also reasurring to hear as IF referred to as a crisis, and how for many couples, this is their first major crisis that they've ever had to handle together. Dr. Domar supported her statements with a variety of research studies confirming the link b/t IF and stress and how they each impact each other. One particularly striking study revealed that the levels of depression and stress felt by women coping with IF is matched equally with women who are being treated for cancer. I felt like all of the mental time I've devoted to our situation is not not entirely for naught, in the sense that it's completly normal. It feels all-encompassing b/c it is all-encompassing.

For our first session, we headed to Dr. Domar's more topic focused workshop on the Mind/Body approach to treating IF. Ari and I have both been experiencing increased levels of anxiety and stress recently, and this session really provided some insight on how reigning in the stress could greatly improve our chances later on down the line once we're pursuing IVF. She presented enough compelling research that I'm seriously considering doing one of her 10-week Mind/Body programs in the near future.

Our second session was a panel discussion on Donor Egg v. Adoption. What an eye-opener! I went in very pro DE and Ari very much for adoption. By the end of it, our horizons had been broadened significantly and we've flip-flopped on our stances. For me, adoption is a 100% guarantee of coming home with a child. For Ari, DE is almost half the cost of adoption given the clinical coverage provided by MA insurance companies. It certainly got us talking.

At lunch, we met two other couples, both in their mid-30s. One couple was even from our town, and the wife seemed very on-guard. You could just tell this has been a particularly hard journey; she implied they had already completed several failed procedures. The other couple seemed relatively new to IF as well, and were researching everything about IVF. While it was nice to feel validated, lunch was awkward. In those moments of silence where all of a sudden that pasta I'm eating is just SO interesting, my head was reeling: just what IS the social etiquette of the IF face-to-face community? Is asking about diagnoses rude? Are the number of procedures none of my business? Can I ask how old you are? It was simply fascinating from a sociological/communication standpoint.

After lunch, we skipped out on the next session- we wanted to go to an Adoption Overview: Domestic v. International b/c it was one area I haven't poured tons of research into, so it would be helpful to get more info. We were just so overloaded with information we kind of needed a break. We were also torn over a silent auction item: a full donor agency package- agency fee, escrow services, legal fees (worth about $7500) for a minimum bid of $1500. All the bidder would have to pay would be the donor fee (~$8000). It would cut a DE cycle practically in half, and we thought, we can swing a bid of up to $2K if we had to. We had this very excited conversation about all of the possibilities of DE, but when we went to leave our bid, they had added that the package must be activated within 6 months. We were crushed - we're just not in a place to start anything within a year or more, much less 6 months. It spiraled into a huge conversation about Ari's new business, my present work situation - it got heavy. I felt like the whole day had been ruined.

We were redeemed in our last session, about Dealing with the Outside World. A panel of two support group leaders and a life coach led a guided conversation about coping. One woman spoke about the sense of a loss of control, which I was completely relating to in that moment after the whole silent auction debacle. One panelist recommended about taking a step back, living in the moment and being present, then waiting one month or six months and re-evaluating, but not to let that sense of lost control pull you away from life, from living in the moment.

While I didn't necessarily get the specific gem of info I was looking for, it was so cathartic to simply speak freely within a group who gets it. I got very emotional at one point while speaking, and I caught myself - it's social conformity- and the life coach and several other women were like, "Let yourself cry- it's ok! This is the safe space to do it." Afterward, such relief. While I do like my therapist, I will be seriously investigating support groups after this. Speaking of my therapist, I ran into her at the Conference at the end of the day, and got to introduce her to Ari. I was amused that she said, "It's nice to meet you, I've heard so much about you!" I'm not sure that's something anyone wants to hear from their partner's therapist ^__^

In all, it was a fantastic experience full of valuable information. It's a lot to digest at once, but I think we've come out richer and more knowledgeable on the other side. For the first time in several months, I've come out with a genuine sense of hope.

Yes, I'm still here

I've just been trying to regain steam to post- I don't want to let this journal fall to the wayside (like I've basically let my personal LJ just kind of putter around for the last 3 years). Anywho... here's what's new in life:

2 weeks ago: Japan was amazing. 2 weeks, 7 cities, 1,300 pictures.

Yesterday: b/w for thyroid panel.

Saturday: RESOLVE Bay State Chapter Conference . Actually really looking forward to it.

Monday: Appt w/Dr. G. to go over b/w results. Here's hoping the 100mcg is doing it, but I'm not so sure with a week of jet lag and daylight savings time.

Tuesday: Appt w/Dr. S. to talk about all the crap that's been rattling around in my head since we got back from Japan. Also, a good chance to process some of the things Ari and I will have encountered this weekend at the conference. I'm finding that therapy has been quite helpful... it's nice to talk to a third party who understands, but isn't my husband or someone connected to me. I'm still working up the nerve to write that letter to the child of my genes that I won't have. I've got a good opener in my head, but not much else beyond that.

Ongoing: The unemployment checks have run out, but Ari just started his own business, so we're navigating the land of the small business owner right now. Much of my time has been spent working on his website. I've always had a good eye for design - it's just a challenge when I'm using 2 programs I've never worked with before and I'm basically teaching myself the platforms as I go along (iWeb and WordPress).

RESOLVing to move forward

So I just bought an annual household membership to RESOLVE's Bay State chapter. For $55, it's not a bad deal. Ari and I are planning to go to their Annual Conference on November 7. Since we're in a state where actively pursing any kind of family building is just not an option right now, this is probably the best way to direct my restless energies: gathering info about DE, adoption, coping, and the like. Meeting other people face to face who understand, who get it.

In joining however, it's bittersweet. I'm glad I've got organizational support, but I'm sad that I need to belong to this group at all. Mentally, I'm probably in the best place I've been so far in this whole journey. I recognize and acknowledge my continued grieving, I allow myself the fears of failure, but I give myself time to hope and get excited at possibilities for the future. I still keep a running list of names in my head. I still cringe at Facebook announcements.

But I'm ok with all of this. I've accepted it. And now it's a matter of how do I fit this into my life- do I let it define me, or do I place it into the greater context of how I live my life on a daily basis?

In other news - the new dose of Levoxyl seems to be working quite well. I'll have b/w in a few weeks to see how it's doing. Energy is up, and for the first autumn in probably close to 10 years, I don't seem to be succumbing to SAD (seasonal affective disorder). Usually, I get it bad right around Yom Kippur, and this year, not so much.

Also, I promise to post about our fantabulous trip to Japan later this week, for Mel's Show & Tell :)

I haven't disappeared...

I'm just overseas! Ari and I are wrapping up two incredible weeks in Japan, staying with relatives of mine. We've been to Nara, Osaka, Tokyo, Kobe, Hiroshima, and tomorrow we're heading to Kyoto for two days and Jidaimatsuri, a huge costumed festival.

This trip has provided the perspective of a lifetime when it comes to IF:

1) I'm feeling a lot better about things. Japan has given me the distance to really look at things from a renewed perspective. Is the overall situation shitty? Yes. My outlook however is greatly improved.

2) I'm not as adverse to adoption as I once was, after seeing literally dozens of adorable Japanese babies everywhere. Would I be picky and only adopt from Japan? Yes, yes I would, and apparently it's complicated like any adoption process, but apparently not that difficult.

3) Allowing myself to grieve, even while on vacation, is OK. Case in point: at the Kiyomizu Temple in Tokyo. Oft venerated by pregnant women and those trying to conceive, I was literally just overcome with hope and wanting. And you know what? That's totally OK.

I'm thinking of going to the RESOLVE Bay State Conference on November 7 - any fellow Massachusetteans out there want to join me and meet up?