RESOLVE of New England Annual Conference Recap

For all the nearly minute-by-minute details, check out yesterday's live blog here.

Now that I've had nearly a whole day to digest the conference... let me sum it up for you: wow. We left bright and early and had a long day ahead of us. Eight hours of discussing infertility can be pretty exhausting, and I won't lie: it was. Yet at the end of the day I felt exhilarated.

We officially had more attendees this year than last year; we even had close to 20 walk-in registrants! I don't know the final number, but I think we were just over 200 attendees. I finally got to meet (and spend more than 2 minutes talking to) some fabulous bloggers, including Melissa from Stirrup Queens and Jes from Baby Bump Bound. I also met a couple of readers - shoutouts to Moira and Victoria! We had folks coming from Vermont and Maine and Boston and Quincy and Schenectady, New York.

The most profound fact that I realized at the end of the day, however, was realizing that just last year, Larry and I were coming as wide-eyed, overwhelmed, newly diagnosed attendees. This year, we came back as volunteers and the experience was much more different for us this time around; in a good way, of course.

I experienced both blinder and reverse blinder effects. Last year, I was wearing blinders on my emotional experience; I was looking through a tunnel of my own pain and grieving with only minimally reaching out to others. This year, as a volunteer, the blinders came off. In interacting with so many other people: attendees, other volunteers, vendors, and speakers, I saw a much broader emotional spectrum. Sure, I still saw that same pain, grief, and even frustration, but I think my role as a volunteer, combined with my recognizability from my video, there was a greater sense of openness, of connection with people there. Last year it took all I had to be able to open up and share in the last session of the day, "Dealing with the Outside World." This year, I was sharing everything from my upcoming 2nd opinion appointment to the ways I've been able to cope- and not cope- in the last year.

By that same token, last year, I felt like I was inundated with an overload of information. This year, I had my information-gathering blinders on. Since I didn't attend every session and was concentrating on a) making sure I was performing my duties b) connecting and networking with folks and c) live blogging throughout the day, my attentions were divided and so I feel like I walked away with substantially less information this year. But that's okay - like I said above, the connections alone I made with people were worth the experience.

I also talked with a fellow RESOLVE of New England member about the vibe this year - definitely a different vibe. We both agreed that last year there were lots more couples appearing stressed out at the end of the day. This year: smiles, laughter, and again, seeing people reaching out and talking with others.  I also noticed the crowd this year appeared younger. I remember distinctly feeling in the age minority last year whereas this year, I saw a good number of couples that appeared in the "under 30" crowd. It was great to see that with a larger attendance the overall vibe was both more positive and the crowd younger.

I'm going to post my theories, totally unscientifically researched, about why this year felt different.

1. The economy was really in the crapper this time last year. I remember last year freaking out about being able to even afford to come. We were very lucky and very grateful to receive a scholarship for the both of us to attend. When you're at a Family Building Conference and realize that even with the Massachusetts Infertility Mandate, ART or adoption is going to cost you anywhere from $15 - $40K, I'm sure that would put anyone in a foul mood. I'm not saying the economy has snapped back, but it's certainly better this year than it was this time last year.

2. Increased media coverage of infertility (even negative) in the past year. I know we are still dealing with the aftermath of Octomom and yes, we're still wrestling with the ethical dilemmas of the 70-year old first-time mother in India or the 57-year old new mother of twins in Australia - but we've had some good press too. And with shows like Giuliana & Bill and their efforts with RESOLVE National, I think there has been a shift in the infertility media landscape. The most important thing is that the media is covering infertility, people are talking about it. With increasing dialogue I think comes an openness to making connections with others in the same boat.

3. An aggressive social media campaign. I know I'm certainly part of this, from blogging and tweeting and Facebooking every chance I could about the Conference, but it was all a part of a larger strategy by RESOLVE of New England to reach out to a broader audience through the online channels of which we're attuned. And I have to say, I think the strategy worked.

In sum, I think this was an incredibly successful conference, one that I'm proud not only to have been a part of, but proud to see how far we've come in a year. I am by no means "over" my infertility or finished grieving or living emotionally well with all of this - but we have come a helluva long way in a year. I find that inspiring for myself, and I hope it inspires and gives you hope too.

If I didn't see you at the Conference this year... I hope it's because you've resolved in some way. And if you haven't, I'll still be there next year.

RESOLVE of New England Annual Conference Live Blog!

I'm blogging live today from the RESOLVE of New England Annual Conference in Marlborough, MA. Stay tuned for updates throughout the day - make sure to hit F5/Refresh! Newest updates at the top of this post.

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5:15pm - Alrighty, we're out. Full recap post tomorrow. Thanks for following along for this live blog!

5:08pm - Wow. What a day. Just waiting for Larry to come back with his Room Monitor Sheet from the For Men Only Ask the Expert Session.

4:27pm - Helping to tally up the Room Monitor sheets... so far, the morning sessions were really well attended! Great to see folks dropping off evals on their way out, but I hope folks are heading to the Ask the Experts sessions! It's nice to sit at the main table and answer questions for folks. Also? If I haven't mentioned this already? Everyone is super friendly- presenters, exhibitors, volunteers, and attendees. A very safe space indeed for folks at every stage of their journey. Hm, probably should have mentioned that at the beginning of the day :)

4:00pm - Talking about known donors: there's not a lot written about it right now, and that's an indicator of how well they work. All in all, this is a really great session. Have to scoot... I'm working as the Room Monitor Captain for the Ask the Experts Panels at 4:20pm!

3:53pm - Amazing analogy that cracked up the group re: explaining conception to young children -  Conception equals three ingredients: ovum, sperm, uterus. PB&J sandwiches equals three ingredients: PB, J, and bread. If you're out of PB, you don't replace it with mustard because it's the same color. So, kids as young as 4 and 5 can begin to understand the basics of using donor gametes in their conception. Fair enough. Now I want a PB&J sandwich.

3:50pm - Nancy raises an excellent point about revealing donor gamete status. We must ask ourselves: "This is my child's information. If I share this information with others, will it help or hurt my child?" Ultimately, it all comes back to your child.

3:48pm - Members of the audience agree: sharing your stories with others is a good thing. The panelists talk about creating A and B teams - who are the people who can truly support you, and you might find that one person can shift from A to B, based on life circumstances. Your best girlfriend who is your strongest A team member becomes pregnant, and now you can't relate on the same way. She moves to the B team, but she's still your support, just in a more removed way. It's nice to hear other people share that when they've opened up to others they've gotten a flood of support.

3:41pm - Best statement of the conference, from the male panelist: "There's a lot of ways you can cope, but the one thing you learn through these opportunities is, you are not alone." Good lord is that true. That folks, is why I'm blogging and advocating and volunteering. We are not alone.

3:34pm - Lynn: The whole process feels very overwhelming at the start and you're just freshmen now, but you'll be sophomores soon. It'll all make sense soon. The first panelist makes a great counterpoint: it's okay if you're not able to get to that stage, or not able to be comfortable about going to that next step. Refreshing viewpoint!

3:28pm - Nancy: "Parenting is really flying by the seat of your pants." Totally rings of Melissa's keynote speech from this morning about "Just wing it."

3:22pm - Amazing statement from the previous panelist's husband: after 2 failed IVFs, they looked at their doctor and asked, "Why should we do this?" Their doctor's response: "Because one of those eggs could be your baby." And one of those eggs became their daughter. He also spoke beautifully about how much he wanted to see his wife pregnant, to spoon in the middle of the night, feel that big round belly and feel the baby move. "There's nothing like that in the world." First of all, totally never expected to hear this from a guy, so well said. Secondly - wow. Just... wow. It's so relieving to hear someone else express the desire to be a part of that pregnancy experience, as either mother or father. Just beautiful and really moving - lots of sniffles behind me in the audience.

3:13pm - Another panelist shares the very painful recollection of when her RE told her that she was not a candidate for IVF because of her age, despite being otherwise healthy. "It was a long process to try to work through that." She discusses weighing adoption vs. egg donation and went through the loss. Ultimately, the decision for egg donor won because experiencing the pregnancy was important to she and her husband, as well as having control over the health of the child as opposed to the lack of control over maternal health via adoption. Man, this is really stirring up some emotions for me. I hate the idea of feeling selfish for wanting to experience pregnancy.

3:08pm - Awesome comment from one of the parent panelists: when she was telling her 11 year old son that she was speaking at the conference today about donor egg and donor sperm, he told her: "You should bring me in as an example, mom!"

3:05pm - Nancy Docktor and Lynn Nichols, both consultants (private practice and BostonIVF respectively) open things up with our panel of parents who have been through donor gametes.

2:59pm - Waiting for Donor Egg & Donor Sperm: Asking the Tough Questions to begin. Interestingly enough, after talking with Larry today... if we had the chance to conceive with my eggs, we'd go for it. This opens up an interesting can of worms for later, but I'll get into that in a separate post.

2:02pm - Taking a break from the sessions to check out the exhibitors. Lots of candy to give away, as well as neat swag (props to Harvard Vanguard for the pillbox keychain!) and of course, tons of great information. Also great to see Joanne from Circle+Bloom. And I had a wonderful conversation with Davina - apparently she LOVES her doc... who just happens to be the person I'm seeing next week for my second opinion. Very comforting to talk with her about her experience, as I'm nervous about the possibilities.

1:07pm - So... I just got a Volunteer Award. Um, seriously not expecting this and TOTALLY flattered and humbled. Thanks RNE ladies! Y'all rock! (And props to Lee Collins, Terri Davidson, Amy Demma, and Sandy O'Keefe for their Volunteer Awards as well!)

12:57pm - RNE Board Member and Advocacy Director Davina Fankhauser is giving out RNE's Advocacy Awards to our corporate sponsors who helped to get the Infertility Mandate updated in MA. Recipients (in alpha order): BostonIVF, Brigham & Women's, Mass General Hospital, Reproductive Science Center (and specifically Dr. Samuel Peng), and Village Pharmacy. Davina has also announced a celebration of Family Building legislation at the MA State House on Wednesday, Dec. 15th from 2-3pm.

12:15pm - Really informative session. Learned a lot about the legality and the ways in which embryo donation programs vary throughout the country. Now, time for lunch! My tummy is a rumblin'.

11:58am - Susan: Virtually all states have statutes regarding sperm donation: children created through donor sperm are the children of the recipient couple. 9 states have statutes expanding this to include both egg and embryo donation. Sadly, MA is not one of these states. Only GA and FL have laws with specific terminology regarding embryo adoption. She recommends a "belt and suspenders" approach just to make sure that your family is protected by the law, and that means approaching a judge in those 41 other states and going through the procedure to adopt your own child. An almost absurd approach, but it's the safest and broadest protection to the legality of your family and ultimately, it's a bunch of paperwork more than it is from the traditional adoption approach.

11:49am - Amy: While it's legally complex, the legality should not be a deterrent if embryo donation is the right path to family building for you. Susan: Even with known donors, get a contract. Sometimes this can even be a screening tool if someone you know isn't willing to do a contract, this might send out a red flag for the eventual legality of your future family.

11:45am - Susan: Many couples who do IVF are willing to check off the "donate my leftover embryos" prior to achieving parenthood but often change their mind after the fact when they realize that there is the potential for their children to have genetically-related siblings out there in the world. A great discussion going on about consent.

11:40am - An overview of the process: 1) Find embryos. 2) Get them screened (look up IVF records, have donors and recipients screened). 3) Homestudy - are you suitable recipients per the standards of the donation agency? And those standards vary greatly across the map. 4) Medical protocol for the transfer itself. From a mental health professional in the audience: how much does the recipient family get to know about the donor? It varies from program to program. All of the donations that Amy has been a part of have been known. The point is raised that the mental health issues that face adoptive parents are nearly the same for embryo donation recipients.

11:33am - To the African-American woman earlier: don't be discouraged as there ARE options- there are donors and embryos to be found, but just requires some digging. Amy has some great resources to refer to her.

11:28am - Just learned about PGD (Pre-implantation genetic diagnosis). Mind. BLOWN. You can take 1 cell from an 8-cell embryo and run it through hundreds of genetic tests and then you can STILL grow a healthy embryo from the remaining 7 cells. WHUT.

11:25am - Interesting screening issue: donor couple needs to be screened, but if the embryo was conceived using donor gametes, then those donors need to be screened. This of course, varies by clinic, but an important point to consider.

11:21am - "The first place you should start looking for embryo donation programs is with your own clinic." - Amy Demma. The list she started with just two years ago has grown extensively. A large portion of programs have been faith-based, but they have been expanding, as Amy's noted in a really fantastic handout packet.

11:13am - Important distinction: embryo donation is the proper term as legally, embryo "adoption" means that you don't have legal ownership of the child you've carried for 9 months until 4 days after its born (in MA, at least). A small distinction, but a legally important one. Terminology, as I've been learning in our IF journey, is vitally important. Other key definition: embryo donation is a frozen egg that has been fertilized. From a personal perspective, it's where adoption and donor egg/sperm meet. Neat.

11:07am - Survey of the room: some MA couples, 2 folks from NY, and 1 couple from NH. Important to know since laws vary from state to state. Speakers are lawyers Susan Cocklin and Amy Demma, both area lawyers specializing in infertility law.

10:57am - Waiting for the Embryo Donation session to start. Looking forward to getting some more information about a subject about which I don't really have much knowledge. Interesting side-conversation overhead: an African-American woman expresses concerns that her clinic does have embryo donation, but no African-American embryos. A point I would have never considered; even though I'm half-Japanese, I have the luxury of being able to "pass" as "white." That's why ladies like Broken Brown Egg are a vital voice in this community: the African-American perspective on infertility is often forgotten about. Whoa, got off topic here. More updates soon with the latest info re: embryo donation.


10:34am - See! I met Melissa. Here's photographic evidence :) Also, what a great conversation - everything from blogging and book writing to "the ribbon cross lady on the plane." Oh, I do hope she blogs about her b/c that was a hysterical story. Time to head off to the volunteer table - first volunteer assignment of the day coming up: being room monitor for the Embryo Donation session.

10:04am - Chatting with Melissa Ford. She is one cool lady! Discussing the virtues of self-hosting my blog.

9:07am - My husband just called me the "Infertility Engadget" with this liveblog. I'm touched and flattered. Also, the conference Twitter hashtag is #RNE10.

9:04am - Q: Is there a clearinghouse of correct information? A: Go with your gut. Case in point? The multiple times Melissa has received advice to rub yam cream on herself. Yam cream?! Wow. She also addresses the Robutussin lore: may not be scientifically backed up, but we hear about it everywhere. Ultimately? Take it back to your doctor.

8:59am - Exciting! We're opening up for question & answers. Q: Are their blogs for men? Sure ARE! (Looking for them? You can check out some of them here under "The Elusive Male Point of View."). Oh, PS? We need more male voices out there.

Q: "Can you blog anonymously?" A: Absolutely - and if you do choose to reveal your identity, great advice - don't name your doctor, don't name your clinic. (Note to self: I'm going to go back and delete some stuff.) Referencing the Justin Long fiasco. You can also "come out" on your own terms, and when you're ready.

8:54am - "Go online and find your virtual tribe." Great point about the ways in which we seek support. "Go home and start a blog." Wow, so true - that's exactly how I got started, and I know so many of you did too! Shoutout for the ALI Blogroll. "And while support won't cure infertility, it will give you refuge."

8:53am - "The only way out of infertility is through infertility."

8:52am - Best advice for life, received from her dear friend Carla when Melissa forgot the notes to her first book reading: "Just wing it." Life doesn't always go according to plan, and that pausing from life isn't an option. Don't stop living - we can't let infertility take away from living our lives. "Just wing it" is the anti-"just relax."

8:48am - "When the losses are that small that they can be hidden, what right do I have to mourn deeply?" Melissa reflects about the loss of Politics and Prose owner, Carla Cohen and ties it back to the journey of infertility. How do you share a silent experience with others?

8:45am - "Infertility: the news never comes at a good time." Um, truth sister. Sing it, Melissa!

8:41am - Lots of conference raffles... exciting! Also, here comes keynote speaker, Melissa Ford!

8:32am - Been here for a few minutes now, finally connected to the hotel WiFi AND I just met the Stirrup Queen herself, Melissa Ford! Exciting. Also, as far as I've heard - we're officially over the number of pre-registered attendees from last year... final numbers at the end of the day once we figure in walk-in attendees. Considering purchasing a 2nd copy of her book for her to sign since we still haven't unpacked our (21) boxes of books yet. Oops. Ahah, here come Rebecca Lubens, Executive Director of RESOLVE of New England and Melissa Ford... and here we go!

6:46am - And we're off! On the road to the Conference. Hope to arrive just past 8am.

Conference Tomorrow!

Woot! Annual Conference time.

I am WAY late to posting this today... took a sick day (serious tummy troubles) so I'm finally up and productive, now that I have to go to bed in an hour to get up early for the RESOLVE of New England Fertility Treatment, Donor Choices, and Adoption Conference tomorrow!

I'll be liveblogging the event tomorrow at the RNE Conference Tumblr blog here. I'll also try to do a liveblog post here. You'll have to hit F5/Refresh the main page here to see the latest post updates; I'll make sure to keep them at the top of the page. I'll also be posting on Twitter- make sure to follow me @miriamshope!

Sunday, expect a full detailed recap of Saturday's conference.

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Other updates:

+ Walk-ins welcome for tomorrow's conference! Click for more info about the RESOLVE of New England Fertility Treatment, Donor Choices, and Adoption Conference! The Stirrup Queen herself, Melissa Ford, will be our keynote speaker!

+ Have you donated to my Fertile Fall Fundraiser yet? I've only raised $10 so far, and I've got $1990 to go! Who wants to help out this important cause?

"Dream a little dream of me."

Our minds do some strange things while we're asleep. Especially mine. I've been a vivid dreamer all of my life. To this day, I can remember images like movie stills from dreams as young as 5 and 6. I can also be a lucid dreamer, on the rare occasion. (I find the "hands" reality check to be the most effective way for me to determine if I'm lucid dreaming.)


Dreams feel real while we're in them. It's only when we wake up
that we realize something was actually strange. (INCEPTION)



My dreams are pretty epic. I never have the "Oh look at that funny purple cat," it's usually something Spielbergian in scope. If only there was some way to record all the potential blockbusting movies that play in my head nightly... oh wait, we may actually be getting closer to that possibility! For a more low-tech solution, I've kept dream journals for most of my life. I get these intense dreams when I'm worried about something, when I'm healthy and well-rested, and sometimes after intense events and stressors.

I also have recurring dream symbols and nightmares. I used to dream about tornados- dozens of them, and having to outrun them in a car. Sometimes I dream about bridges that climb into the sky for miles and become literally rail thin, or have a gap in the middle that I have to accelerate my car to make the jump. Sometimes I dream about my teeth breaking and falling out (a classic symbol about health concerns). I used to dream about being chased through familiar buildings when I was in high school. I even have a complete dream neighborhood that I could map out down to the street, based on my hometown neighborhood growing up; there's the residential section, a park (usually with a carnival), a boardwalk and beach, a school, a gas station, a municipal complex and two schools. And everything is always located in the same place in those dreams.

I know I mentioned I have complex, vivid, epic dreams. Take Tuesday night, for example. After Red Tent Temple, I dreamed about a lightning storm, two blond sisters named Alexa and Ivy, good-looking twin teenaged boys from outer space asleep in the guest bedroom of my parents' house, and throwing water balloons at a former student staff member of mine. TOTES made sense at the time, while I was asleep.

Some of my other crazy dreams:

• Going shopping at Kmart with Anthony Bourdain and watching strange cloud formations in the sky with him.
• Watching a nuclear bomb detonate and then fleeing from Nazi zombies in an old abandoned school bus in the deserted wasteland of D.C.
• Speaking of D.C., helping the Obamas move into the White House and unpack.
• Getting married in the parking lot of a McDonald's after the rabbi (who's played by a former colleague of mine) gets run over by an old hoopdie Buick driven by kids in Halloween masks.
• Fighting off zombie robots (that is, robots that came out of the ground) at my college with my fellow RAs and campus police.
• Fighting off zombie children on the Atlantic City Boardwalk and hiding in a museum that gets hit with a tidal wave.
• Helping former President Bush (Jr.) find prostitutes in D.C.

My favorite dream? Last year I randomly dreamed my sister walked up to me on the street and told me she was 8 weeks pregnant with a little girl.  That was it, that was the whole dream. The next morning, I was talking with her online and mentioned the dream. She stopped IMing me and then called my cell phone. *cue freaky music* She was calling to tell me (the first person she told besides her husband) that she was actually 5 weeks pregnant and had only known for about 5 days. Also? I'm now an Auntie to a niece. BAM! How do you like them apples?!

If you'd like to read even weirder tales of the things my brain makes up while I'm asleep, feel free to check out the Dreams tag at my *embarrased sideways glance* LiveJournal. Now, I haven't written in that thing in probably over a year or more, and a good number of entries are hidden behind a Friends-Only privacy lock, but there's still plenty of unprotected entries for you to enjoy :)

What are some of the weirder, cooler, or potentially precognitive dreams you've had?

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Other updates:

+ Only 2 days until the RESOLVE of New England Fertility Treatment, Donor Choices, and Adoption Conference! The Stirrup Queen herself, Melissa Ford, will be our keynote speaker!

+ Have you donated to my Fertile Fall Fundraiser yet? I've only raised $10 so far, and I've got $1990 to go!

+ NaBloPoMo is hard. Seriously. Expect some WAY random posts, like this one.

+ And finally, I've apparently won the WEGO Health Vlog Contest for my first vlog last week. I'm getting an iPod Touch... word!

In the Red Tent Temple

...I feel beautiful, vibrant, awakened, sexy, stress-free. I welcome the new moon with an open heart and a grateful smile.

"Welcome Woman, this place is made sacred with your presence."

In the Red Tent Temple, we are all Goddesses.

. . .

Last night, our Red Tent Temple was filmed for Isadora Leidenfrost's upcoming film, "Things We Don't Talk About." It was a magical, wonderful evening and I'm still left feeling like I'm walking just a few inches above the ground: our best Red Tent Temple to date.

I was interviewed individually on Monday night by Isadora at my dear friend Honeybee's home. It was strange to feel so exposed in front of her; I felt almost naked in the camera lens but I was just as open as if she hadn't been sitting there. Afterward, I felt exhilerated. Last night, I barely noticed the camera and lights, thankfully as Isadora literally "dressed up" her equipment in red dresses, fabric, boas, and tiaras. I didn't even notice she was filming most of the night and forgot she was there entirely until I was asked to wear a microphone for a few minutes.

So many beautiful women from all over came last night- many new faces or faces we hadn't seen in a while- and each woman brought her own unique voice, story, and talents to the group. There was drumming, singing, poetry reading, art displays, and just plain sharing and laughing and talking. We colored vulva coloring book pages, we drank tea (so much tea!), we ate chocolate chip cookies and tomato soup and sourdough bread and pomegranate seeds and apples and leftover Halloween candy.


Can you spot the pomegranate on my hand?

There was henna. I held the hands of dear friends and women I'd just met and painted intricate designs on their hands and mine. I'm usually shy about touching other people or being touched, but I dropped a boundary last night. There's something peaceful and calming about applying henna, watching the designs evolve on their own whimsy.

And ALisa Starkweather, the founder of the Red Tent Temple movement herself! - she stopped by and shared in our celebrations. I was star-struck and couldn't find the words to say much to her. But I was grateful and humbled by her appearance all the same.

We laughed, deep Baubo belly laughs. And our eyes brimmed with tears. Some cried openly. We talked about G-d, Goddess and women and sex and math class and chemotherapy and our husbands and birthdays and decision making and NOT making decisions if we don't want to and art and soup and our mothers and foremothers and the coming winter.

. . .

In the Red Tent Temple, it's the one place where I wear my infertility like a badge of honor, as if to say, "I am no less woman."

And if I so choose, I can leave that title at the door, too.

. . .

With a belly full of soup and tea and my heart filled with gladness and grace, I leave the Red Tent restored and whole again.

. . .

Every community needs a Red Tent Temple. We need to make Red Tent Temples for our teenaged girls. We need more Crones. We need to make room for trans voices and experiences. We need more women of color.

We need to reawaken the Dialogue of Women that whispers within each of us...

...and I firmly believe that the Red Tent Temple Movement is doing just that.

I am honored to be a part of this movement and thank you Honeybee, for opening the door to me and so many other women. We are each a part of something profoundly important to Women's Work.

From Couch to 5K

May I present you with... our brand-new couch! And our new chair!

 

We've been waiting since early September for these... now we can finally sit down on something other than camping chairs to watch TV! In honor of this momentous occasion, Larry and I have decided that since we've gotten new couch, it's the the perfect time to begin Couch to 5K. We start next week when Larry's back from some out of town trips for work.

Basically, it's a 9-week training program to turn fatty couch potatoes like us (and yes, I would say and have said this to Larry's face) into newbie runners, working up to the 5K. A 5K sounds intimidating, but it's the shortest race out there. It's only 3.somethingsomething miles. I can do 3.somethingsomething miles! Well, maybe. We'll see :)

So here's my commitment to getting up off the couch (a damn fine lovely, damn fine comfy couch, I might add) and getting my ass in gear. Also? An excuse to buy snazzy brand-spankin' new running shoes because I've never owned a nice pair of "for reals runnin' shoes" before.

Anyone else want to be virtual running buddies and check in with each other on how we're doing?

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Other ongoing stuff:
Don't forget this Saturday
is the RESOLVE of New England Family Building Conference!

Have you donated yet to the Fertile Fall Fundraiser?
Help me reach my goal of $2,000!

NaBloPoMo: And so it begins.

30 posts. 30 days. It's NaBloPoMo time, people: National Blog Posting Month.

I think it's time to build off of my 7 posts in 7 days bit and move to something more advanced. I know I wrote recently that I should man up and do NaNoWriMo (also starting today) but I just don't have the energy. But blogging? Blogging for 30 days? I can do that. This is more attainable. I have to work my way up to NaNoWriMo.

If you don't feel like joining the official NaBloPoMo ranks, Suzy over at Not a Fertile Myrtle has a great blogroll of other NaBloPoMo participating IF bloggers up for the challenge. Check it out - let's keep each other motivated! More updates/news and a question after the cut.

Other updates in my life...

Tonight I'm being interviewed by Isadora Leidenfrost for her forthcoming film, Things We Don't Talk About. From her film website:

Things We Don’t Talk About is a groundbreaking documentary film about women’s healing narratives from the red rent that serves to empower women and girls. The Red Tent is a red textile space that is changing the way that women think about their bodies.

Tomorrow night, Isadora will be filming the Salem Red Tent Temple. I'm so excited! The Red Tent Temple has been such a joy in my life. When I stopped having periods, I missed my Woman's Blood Rhythm. Now that I meet near each new moon with other women in all stages of life and Blood Rhythm, it has brought that sense of monthly cycle back. I can't wait to talk and explore more about this with Isadora tonight.

Just had another thyroid panel done. I've had brain fog like whoa and my energy is pretty much non-existent. I'm starting to feel like I did in June/July of 2009, when my TSH was at its highest and thus my thyroid function at its lowest. Well, don't know what's going on then b/c my numbers came back normal: TSH is 1.027. I need to find a good endocrinologist up in the North Shore area. Anyone have any recommendations for a good North Shore, MA area endo?

And finally, it's just 5 days until the RESOLVE of New England Annual Conference! You can still register in advance. Come check out dozens of vendors, doctors, and other patients, and meet the Infertility Blogging Goddess, Melissa Ford, author of Stirrup Queens! Also, we have some pretty awesome raffles. I can't wait to meet folks there :)

Oh, and one other thing: my Fertile Fall Fundraiser is underway, so if you have a few dollars to spare, I'd love it if you could help out this special cause: $2000 for RESOLVE of New England by Christmas. We can totally make that goal with your help!

Happy blogging all.

1 post down. 29 to go.

PS. Get off your butts and VOTE tomorrow! (I don't care for whom you vote, just vote dagnabit!)

"You should write a book."

Photo by Erik Stabile via Flickr.

I get this a lot. I'm not a person who handles compliments very well and despite what you may read here, I can be almost painfully shy sometimes.

But a lot of folks read my blog and go: "Keiko, you should really write a book."

Okay... sure!

So... how the hell do I DO that? I don't think I'll have any trouble actually writing a book, but it's the publishing process that intimidates me the most. I am basically clueless. I've read Mel's awesome DIY MFA book publishing series. It's a little overwhelming - I'm not going to lie. And since I want to write non-fic, apparently I only write part of it and then query it to publishers who tell me how to finish it, I suppose. It's a little confusing. And then there's that whole agent thing. Oh, and having some credibility by being published somewhere other than you own blog, and even better, getting paid for it.

I guess I'm just overwhelmed by all of this. There are so many fine bloggers turned authors out there: Melissa (Navigating the Land of IF), Pamela (Silent Sorority), Lu (Inadequate Conception - being released soon), and many others I'm sure I'm forgetting here. I certainly don't want to imply that they had an easier time of writing their books and getting them published simply because they are also bloggers. I'm sure it's entirely possible for me to do the same, and just as challenging. It will continue to get more challenging as more IF bloggers turned published authors begin to crowd out the market.

It's the enormity of the task that keeps me from moving forward. Sometimes it's just easier to walk away from the opportunity entirely that to take a risk and fail. I know myself. I'm a classic INFP - this is how we work.

NaNoWriMo is coming up: a month-long challenge to write a 50,000 word novel. I'm half wondering if I should participate if only to get my ass in gear. NaNoWriMo is specifically for fiction, but as every keeps saying I should write a book, maybe I'll sign up, write my non-fic book on infertility, conversion, food, or whatever - and just not submit it for verification.

Sometimes I doubt myself (shocker) and wonder if it's valid to write something when our story is presently unfinished. The more confident part of me says to write all the raw emotional stuff now and worry about the ending when the time comes. "You won't have time to write the whole damn thing once you're chasing kid(s) around the house!" my always Rational Brain reminds me.

So yeah, I need to write a book. I've got plenty of words in my head that need a home on some page, somewhere. I think I will sign up for NaNoWriMo. And hell, maybe I'll even dabble in writing some fiction. Anyone else out there participating in NaNoWriMo? I need motivation. I need someone to stay on my ass.

Kind of like Stewie helps out his good friend, Brian:

Is it October 20th yet?

Photo by Shrie L. Spangler via Flickr.

Um, what happened to July? When did it get to be August THIRD?!

As I've mentioned before, I work in higher education. (I have never mentioned where I work, but a quick Google search will give you the answer.) August is like our D-Day, our launch time, our craziest busiest time of the year. Freshman assignments go out. I have staff training, both professional and student staff, every day from next Monday until August 30. Our residence halls open for first-year students on September 1. We go from Orientation right into the start of classes and then my super huge 6-week long span of first year experience programs (dreamed up and organized by yours truly). There is basically a program happening every weekday night for the first six weeks of the semester for all of our first-year residents.With my promotion, creating an FYE (first-year experience) program fell onto my lap, and I'm pretty proud of what we've got lined up.

When I look at my calendar, however, I kind of want to throw up a little. Oh, and then there's that whole "buying a house" thing right in the middle of all of this.

Speaking of buying a house... looks like we're not going to be able to close next Thursday. No one's fault and nothing's really wrong, it's just that FHA takes a while to process things. We knew we'd be cutting it close, and it looks like we're just not going to make it in time. We're all set for the FHA loan approval and the bank underwriting of the loan. The issue is getting the actual property approved by the FHA. It requires a TON of information and paperwork, all of which our realtor, lawyer, and mortgage company have been furiously compiling. It's just frustrating knowing that there's nothing else we can do but wait.

Our deadline to be out of our current university-provided housing is still August 15th. You can see why I might be freaking out just a smidge. We've made back up arrangements to store our stuff and live with some friends for hopefully no more than a couple of weeks. What's making me nervous is that this is in the middle of the craziest part of the year for me (and it's not like I can even take Labor Day weekend to relax. Our office will be open for returning student move in.)

Don't forget to throw in the High Holidays (Rosh Hashanah is Sept. 8th and Yom Kippur is Sept. 18th), Larry's installation (he's an officer in the Masons), Night of Hope on Sept. 28th, and gearing up for RESOLVE of New England's Annual Conference in November (which I'm sure planning will ramp up in October)...

Oh! And having a social life and other things I'd like to do in my personal life, such as:

+ my first giveaway here at the blog (details this week);
+ starting up a fundraiser for RESOLVE of New England by selling some handmade jewelry which requires me to...
+ ...make the above mentioned jewelry;
+ start writing for Fertility Authority;
+ possibly start writing for Health Central;
+ catch up on the dozen or so half-written drafts of posts I have hanging around;
+ transcribe the dozen or more journals I found this weekend from my childhood, including my first diary at age 7 and the meatier, juicier tidbits from all of my high school journals.

I'm exhausted just typing all of this. And somehow, we'd like to squeeze in a vacation somewhere in there. When did my calendar decide to suddenly implode?

Happy ICLW: 200 Posts, 200 Words

If you’re here from ICLW, welcome! For past ICLW intros check these out: June '10, May '10, April '10 and November '09.

I can’t believe I’ve written 200 posts already. For this celebratory 200^th post, I wanted to commemorate the occasion with something that captures the essence of this blog. So I took the text from all of my important posts and created a word cloud using the 200 most frequently used words in those posts.

I used Wordle to make this. Neat, huh?

200 posts in 479 days... That comes out to about a post every two and a half days. Boy howdy, have I been writing a lot! I've kept journals all of my life, and in times of great crisis, I always find myself writing the most. It only made sense then to write about my greatest life crisis to date. I started this blog as a way of coping; I chose a public online format because I desperately needed the support of family and friends in those early months and I figured a blog was the best way to not only put myself out there emotionally, but to provide a tool for education.

Writing has been truly therapeutic to that end, but my blog has evolved into something bigger than just my infertility struggles. From this very introspective personal journey, my words have spread outwards. On the heels of 200 posts and looking forward to hundreds more, I hope the writing that has soothed my heart can continue do the same for others.

Thanks for reading along. I've hit the first of two milestones I'd like to reach before I do my first giveaway... as of this writing, I'm at 169 followers. Once I hit 200 followers, I'll be doing my first giveaway to really celebrate 200 posts and 200 followers as a way to say thank you for stickin' around to read my crazy foilbles and follies.

And stay tuned this week and next as I have a series of posts on infertility advocacy coming up... I'm so fired up on this topic that it's going to take five parts to tell it all! So keep your eye open... part one will go live this Thursday.

To 200 posts - *raises a glass* - and a thousand more!

The Mass. Infertility Mandate Needs Your Help!

If you live in Massachusetts, you have it pretty lucky when it comes to infertility coverage (unless of course your employer is self-insured). Mass. leads the nation as the gold standard for infertility coverage, but it has built up over twenty years of tarnish on its outdated definition of infertility. As the mandate currently stands, women who experience recurrent miscarriage can be caught in a perpetual cycle of coverage denial because of a technical loophole. MA S. 485 seeks to update this definition and bring it inline with the current guidelines and definitions as issued by the American Society for Reproductive Medicine. The bill is currently sitting in the Senate Ways and Means Committee and desperately needs your help to be passed favorably out of committee.

The best thing to help give this bill a boost is an aggressive email and phone campaign to the committee members. Legislators actually DO care about personal stories, so speaking up by sending them either an email or calling them is one of the most effective and simplest advocacy strategies you can do.

If you live in Mass., please take five minutes to read my latest Examiner article on 3 things you can do to help in just ten minutes.

Photo by Emmanuel Huybrechts via Flickr.

Exciting Announcement in the ALI Blogosphere!

Melissa Ford, author of Stirrup Queens and Navigating the Land of IF, will be the keynote speaker for RESOLVE of New England's Annual Conference in November!

I'm super excited to formally announce this- as a Board member, I've been sitting on the news for just about a week now ^_^

If you're in the New England area November 6, you should really check out the conference. Larry and I went last year and it was an amazing experience for us: tons of resources, lots of great information, and it's nice to be in a room of 200 people who totally understand every single thing you're going through emotionally.

Check out my Examiner article for all of the details here: Leading infertility blogger to speak at RESOLVE of New England Annual Conference.

Photo courtesy of Melissa Ford, taken by Mary Gardella of Love Life Images.

Team RESOLVE Choice Awards: Best Infertility Blog & Book

The annual RESOLVE Night of Hope recognizes leaders making strides in the infertility fields, from doctors, nurses, and clinics to advocates, researchers, and employers. Hope Awards are given in a variety of categories, for Service, Advocacy, and Innovation, to name a few. There are also two awards voted on by the community: Best Infertility Blog and Best Infertility Book. Excerpts from each nominee in each category are available. Voting ends this Thursday, so make sure you go vote now, and spread the word via Twitter, Facebook, your own blog, and wherever else you post. It's an incredible award and I know the very deserving nominees would appreciate your votes!

The Best IF Blogs were selected from over 185 entries to Melissa Ford and RESOLVE's collaborative blog project during National Infertility Awareness Week back in April. #ProjectIF asked ALI bloggers to put their "What IFs?" of infertility out there, and then answer those questions. From those response posts, five blogs were chosen as nominees for the Best Blog category. Their What IF posts, and I have read each of them- are powerful, moving, relatable, beautiful. Do take the time to read them before you vote.

The Best IF Books were selected by nominations from the ALI community. A call from RESOLVE was put out for Best Book, and bloggers, readers, and everyone in between submitted their favorites for RESOLVE to select five nominees. Excerpts of each book are externally linked from the voting website- again, really great nominees and totally worth the read and vote. I have a couple of books now to add to my reading list this summer.

By voting, you're helping to support not only an organization that does so much for our community, but helping to recognize those leaders within that community that stand out and have made substantial contributions to the community as well.  Like submitting news to the LFCA, voting for the Team RESOLVE Choice Awards is just good karma in the ALI blogosphere.

Have I inspired you enough? Well, get out there and vote already! ^_^

June ICLW: Elementally Speaking

Howdy! Thanks for stopping by for June's ICLW. (Learn more about the ICLW here and see how you can sign up for next month.) I've got a few previous ICLW intro posts to get you up to speed: ABC's of Me (November 2009), April 2010, and May 2010. For this month's intro, I think I'll try something a little different: looking at my life right now through the Four Elements. Intrigued?

The Four Elements of Me

Earth: What Grounds Me ~ Roots and Foundation
+ My husband, Larry: totally my rock, my love, my soulmate. We've been married for 2 and a half years. We were high school sweethearts from 1997... do the math. We've been together a long time and are still madly in love with one another.
+ My family: My mom, my papa, my sister Jasmine and her husband Neal - these are my core. Then Larry's mom, dad, and sister - just as much family as my own blood. And soon, probably sometime this week: Willow! My niece-to-be, the first grandchild, the little darling we've been waiting 9 months to meet. You can count on a post about her later this week since my sister will be induced on Friday :)
+ My faith: I'm Jewish. But I put an equal amount of faith in the goodness of humanity, the beauty that surrounds us daily we often take for granted, and in the sovereignty and power of the collective creativity of women. I ground myself by redefining the world around me, and walking forward with faithful steps in the world I've created.

Water: What Moves Me ~ Transition and Flow
+ My health: it's been in a varying state of flux. I have premature ovarian failure, diagnosed in April of 2009. I have Hashimoto's thyroiditis. I recently learned I've got degenerative arthritis in my lower spine. Oh yeah, I'm 28. Thankfully though, my thyroid appears to finally be stabilized after a year of ups and down, my my POF is being treated with HRT.
+ My job: Recently promoted.
+ My home: We are house-hunting, and hope to have a formal offer in to the seller by COB today.

Air: What Lifts Me ~ Joy and Celebration
+ Food, music, the arts, photography, flowers, Hell's Kitchen, Weeds, LOST, Radiohead, indie music, Vampire Weekend, MUSE, art house cinema, Bach Cello Suites, cooking, our trip Japan last year, camping, fishing, reading, writing, writing my book, RadioLab, The Moth, This American Life, taking the time to literally stop and smell the roses.

Fire: What Consumes Me ~ Passion and Perseverance
+ Having a family: The timeline has been pushed back significantly since we're buying a house, but we plan on adopting an infant domestically. We're skipping fertility treatments altogether.
+ My advocacy: I've recently decided that I am an health advocate, fighting for infertility treatment coverage and research. It all started with this video. The content of my blog has shifted slightly from mostly about me to more about the greater ALI blogosphere and what we can all do to be everyday advocates. I am also RESOLVE of New England's newest Board member on their Board of Directors!
+ My writing: I do it all the time. I've been keeping a journal in print or electronic form since I was in 7th grade. This blog is a continuation of that, but I'm starting to branch out to other places like Examiner.com and hopefully more paying opportunities. I'm also writing a book about my experience of converting to Judaism three years ago.

Looking forward to meeting new folks. Happy ICLW and happy commenting!

Image used with generous permission by the artist, Alida Saxon, copyright 2010.

Adoption Decision Making Seminar

Sidebar: Thank you to everyone's condolences and sympathies for the passing of my grandmother this week. They have meant so much to me during this particularly difficult time.

RESOLVE of New England's Adoption Decision Making Seminar is this Saturday in Newtonville, MA. Check out my latest Examiner.com article for more info. I hope to do a review of the seminar first thing next week; Larry and I are really looking forward to it.

Are you considering adoption as a family building solution? Have you exhausted your fertility treatment options and are looking to explore adoption? Are your weighing the pros and cons of domestic and international adoption? The Adoption Decision Making Seminar this Saturday, June 12, 2010 in Newtonville might just be the best place to find your answers. Read the rest of the article here at Examiner.com.


(Photo by Vivian Chen via Flickr.)

Examining Infertility

As I announced last week mostly via Twitter and Facebook, I've become Examiner.com's Boston Infertility and Miscarriage Examiner. Essentially, I write about all things IF in the Boston region... and they're paying me to do it! I'm rather excited about my first paid writing gig. While the articles may be a bit more locally focused than some of the broader things I write about here, I hope to keep the content fresh, unique, and approachable to all of my readers. One of the first things I'm planning on doing is a series of interviews with some of my recent new contacts I've made in the IF field here in Massachusetts.

I'll always keep links the latest articles on the top right sidebar, but I'll also start posting some teasers here with links to the full stories as well. So far I have two articles live: Infertility and its impact on mental health and Massachusetts Senate bill S485 impacts access to infertility treatment. If you haven't checked them out, please do! And please feel free to retweet them and share them on Facebook as well.

You may have also noticed that I've started doing these "Read More" links on my main page. In an effort to streamline the look of my blog, I realized I write... a lot. And that's a ton of dense text on the page. I figured the "Read More" hack cleans things up a bit (although it won't retroactively do it for all of my posts, so it only really works with yesterday's post). I've also started adding more pics to my posts, because, well- who doesn't like pretty pictures? I'm also learning the wonderful art of photo attribution. It's like learning APA or MLA all over again, so you may notice lots of photo credits from this point out.  It's my way of being a good web citizen.

Hope y'all don't mind the changes around here as I start refining this blog. I'll still post updates on our journey (like yesterday's lengthy and stressful post, The Game of L-if-E), philosophical and motivational musings, and like the interview series I plan to post of Examiner, I hope to bring the same kind of current news and trends in the IF world as well to all of you here at this blog. This all relates to my bigger mission of continuing to be an advocate for infertility awareness as I advocate away through a variety of channels. The more ways I can spread awareness, the better.

(Photo by Erik Stabile via Flickr.)